Haven fic: Your Heart on the Line (A/N, PG-13, 1/1)
Title: Your Heart on the Line
Author: Shane Vansen
Category: Audrey/Nathan post-ep, angst
Spoilers: 301, Magic Hour 1&2, Sarah
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Length: ~1400 words
Disclaimer: It's probably best that they're not mine; I'd screw it up. Haven, its characters and storylines, and the overall concept belong to people much more creative than I.
Summary: Some secrets just can't be kept. It's time for Nathan to own up to his choices. (Sarah post-ep)
Author's Notes: Unbetaed. Probably OOC.
Part of me looks at Sarah and sees Audrey/Nathan as some sort of pre-destined, epic love story. Another part of me wasn't as happy with Nathan's actions. This story's about the second reaction.
Story title from Mumford & Sons song Little Lion Man, which was honestly the first thing that popped into my head after the ep finished.
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?
***
Wow, has he fucked things up but good.
And things were just starting to get better, too. His death (which Nathan tries not to think about because he isn't sure how to even begin processing that) seemed to be some sort of catalyst, reminding both of them that she wasn't the only one who might not be around for much longer. She reached for him out on that dock when they lost Tommy and any leads he might have, leaning into him in a way that she never really did even before everything somehow got so messed up. She's been talking to him, too, and things have just been easier between them than they have been since just after her abduction.
It's not all fixed, of course - he's still with Jordan and he knows there are things she still hasn't told him about her trip to Colorado - but they've been on the right track. And now he's gone and fucked everything up again, in a spectacularly permanent way.
And all it took was Audrey - or some version of her - to show a little interest in him for Nathan to lose any shred of self-control.
It would have been bad enough if that were the whole story. Nathan's always thought of himself as having morals and standards and the knowledge that he's cheated on Jordan leaves him feeling sick to his stomach, makes him feel hollowed out and guilty in a way that haunts his every breath. At first he tries to justify it to himself, remembers that he was in love with his partner before he ever knew Jordan existed, how he only met Jordan because of his determination to save Audrey no matter what the cost, how he cares for Jordan but he doesn't love her and he's the reason why they haven't made it to bed yet.
He remembers, too, Sarah's words about having time, and that was what got him in the end. There's a countdown to his relationship with Audrey, one that's getting closer and closer to zero, and the opportunity to be with her just once before the woman he fell in love with disappears was a temptation too big to let him pass it by.
All of that's true enough, but his little self-delusion only works for a handful of seconds because he knows them for the excuses they are and Nathan's not willing to accept that from himself.
On top of that is this new knowledge he has about Audrey, about the way she tastes and how she looks at him without fear of the future weighing her down and the sounds she makes just before she climaxes beneath him. His heart can't quite make the separation between Sarah and Audrey - which is half of how he ended up in his current mess to start with - and now when he looks at Audrey, he remembers what it's like to be with her. Nathan wants that again, wants it for keeps, more than just about anything.
All of that would have been bad enough on its own. But then Audrey drops her bomb about having a baby back in 1955, about how the Colorado Kid is her son, and it takes Nathan all of a second to do the math on that.
So he cheated on Jordan with Sarah, who had a baby later that same year, and that child became the Colorado Kid and is somehow still caught up in Audrey's life almost sixty years later. Not only that, but James might be the key to keeping her from disappearing in a matter of weeks.
Talk about consequences. Who the hell could have predicted that an hour's lapse in judgement would lead to all this?
He doesn't tell Audrey right away. He should - there've been more than enough secrets between them lately and it's something that's clearly done more harm than good - but he doesn't have the slightest clue how to bring it up. "Oh, now that you mention it, I'm pretty sure I'm the one who knocked you up and then disappeared and left you on your own" isn't exactly a conversation he wants to have in public. Better somewhere private, he thinks; maybe her apartment, where they're less likely to be interrupted.
He has a son with Audrey and it's all twisted up in some Twilight Zone version of everything he's wanted since he realized exactly how he feels about her.
He presses Audrey for what information she has, standing right there in front of Stuart Mosley's home, discussing time travel and a baby she doesn't remember having like there's nothing particularly remarkable about it, and it's all just so surreal.
She doesn't know much more than what she's already told him, that she learned about James in Colorado and that Vince and Dave were aware of the baby but not who the father was. Audrey doesn't seem to notice how antsy the whole conversation is making him, or maybe she's passing it off to the usual confusion and underlying desperation that accompanies almost anything having to do with her past these days.
Luckily Audrey carries most of the conversation on the way back to work, because Nathan's mind is distracted by trying to figure out what the hell he's going to do.
***
He takes half a personal day and talks to Jordan first.
He doesn't give her all the details but she guesses enough on her own. What bothers Nathan the most is how she doesn't even look surprised.
Their breakup is quiet and to the point and leaves him feeling like shit. In addition to the shame he was already feeling about having gotten into this relationship when he knew he wasn't ready to let go of Audrey and for sleeping with another woman without giving Jordan a second thought, there's the added guilt of knowing that he's one of only two people on a planet of seven billion whom she can touch without causing pain and he's walking away. He wonders if he's getting a taste of the pressure Audrey feels to use her abilities to help the Troubled.
If so, he hasn't been giving her nearly enough credit.
Nathan spends the rest of the afternoon on the shore where they found the body they now know didn't belong to the Colorado Kid. He pictures Lucy the way she appeared in the Herald all those years ago, holding an eight-year-old Duke Crocker's hand, a young Garland Wuornos in the background. Everything's so undeniably connected and yet he can't put the pieces together, can't figure out how it all fits or what any of it means or, most importantly, what they can learn from it that might save Audrey.
No closer to an answer after hours of trying to make some sense of it all, he's back at the station in time to pick Audrey up at the end of the day and take her home.
Usually he just drops her off, but today he pulls into the parking lot of the Gull and turns off the truck. Audrey tilts her head at him in that way he's so used to as she unbuckles her seatbelt. "You're staying?" she asks, and he wonders if it's his imagination or if she really does look pleased with the idea.
He taps his fingers against the steering wheel a few times before looking her in the eye. "Can I come up? There's something that happened when Duke and I were in 1955 that I have to talk to you about."
She's instantly curious, as he'd known she would be. "What is it?"
He shakes his head. "Inside."
This could be a make-or-break conversation, he thinks as they exit the truck, and he can't feel his heart pounding but he knows it is by the rushing in his ears. Halfway up the stairs leading to her apartment he puts his hand against the small of her back, and he doesn't know what the expression on his face is telling her but when Audrey glances at him over her shoulder, all she does is give him a shy smile.
Maybe, he thinks, this won't be so bad, and then he takes a deep breath and follows her into her apartment.
--end--
Author: Shane Vansen
Category: Audrey/Nathan post-ep, angst
Spoilers: 301, Magic Hour 1&2, Sarah
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Length: ~1400 words
Disclaimer: It's probably best that they're not mine; I'd screw it up. Haven, its characters and storylines, and the overall concept belong to people much more creative than I.
Summary: Some secrets just can't be kept. It's time for Nathan to own up to his choices. (Sarah post-ep)
Author's Notes: Unbetaed. Probably OOC.
Part of me looks at Sarah and sees Audrey/Nathan as some sort of pre-destined, epic love story. Another part of me wasn't as happy with Nathan's actions. This story's about the second reaction.
Story title from Mumford & Sons song Little Lion Man, which was honestly the first thing that popped into my head after the ep finished.
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?
***
Wow, has he fucked things up but good.
And things were just starting to get better, too. His death (which Nathan tries not to think about because he isn't sure how to even begin processing that) seemed to be some sort of catalyst, reminding both of them that she wasn't the only one who might not be around for much longer. She reached for him out on that dock when they lost Tommy and any leads he might have, leaning into him in a way that she never really did even before everything somehow got so messed up. She's been talking to him, too, and things have just been easier between them than they have been since just after her abduction.
It's not all fixed, of course - he's still with Jordan and he knows there are things she still hasn't told him about her trip to Colorado - but they've been on the right track. And now he's gone and fucked everything up again, in a spectacularly permanent way.
And all it took was Audrey - or some version of her - to show a little interest in him for Nathan to lose any shred of self-control.
It would have been bad enough if that were the whole story. Nathan's always thought of himself as having morals and standards and the knowledge that he's cheated on Jordan leaves him feeling sick to his stomach, makes him feel hollowed out and guilty in a way that haunts his every breath. At first he tries to justify it to himself, remembers that he was in love with his partner before he ever knew Jordan existed, how he only met Jordan because of his determination to save Audrey no matter what the cost, how he cares for Jordan but he doesn't love her and he's the reason why they haven't made it to bed yet.
He remembers, too, Sarah's words about having time, and that was what got him in the end. There's a countdown to his relationship with Audrey, one that's getting closer and closer to zero, and the opportunity to be with her just once before the woman he fell in love with disappears was a temptation too big to let him pass it by.
All of that's true enough, but his little self-delusion only works for a handful of seconds because he knows them for the excuses they are and Nathan's not willing to accept that from himself.
On top of that is this new knowledge he has about Audrey, about the way she tastes and how she looks at him without fear of the future weighing her down and the sounds she makes just before she climaxes beneath him. His heart can't quite make the separation between Sarah and Audrey - which is half of how he ended up in his current mess to start with - and now when he looks at Audrey, he remembers what it's like to be with her. Nathan wants that again, wants it for keeps, more than just about anything.
All of that would have been bad enough on its own. But then Audrey drops her bomb about having a baby back in 1955, about how the Colorado Kid is her son, and it takes Nathan all of a second to do the math on that.
So he cheated on Jordan with Sarah, who had a baby later that same year, and that child became the Colorado Kid and is somehow still caught up in Audrey's life almost sixty years later. Not only that, but James might be the key to keeping her from disappearing in a matter of weeks.
Talk about consequences. Who the hell could have predicted that an hour's lapse in judgement would lead to all this?
He doesn't tell Audrey right away. He should - there've been more than enough secrets between them lately and it's something that's clearly done more harm than good - but he doesn't have the slightest clue how to bring it up. "Oh, now that you mention it, I'm pretty sure I'm the one who knocked you up and then disappeared and left you on your own" isn't exactly a conversation he wants to have in public. Better somewhere private, he thinks; maybe her apartment, where they're less likely to be interrupted.
He has a son with Audrey and it's all twisted up in some Twilight Zone version of everything he's wanted since he realized exactly how he feels about her.
He presses Audrey for what information she has, standing right there in front of Stuart Mosley's home, discussing time travel and a baby she doesn't remember having like there's nothing particularly remarkable about it, and it's all just so surreal.
She doesn't know much more than what she's already told him, that she learned about James in Colorado and that Vince and Dave were aware of the baby but not who the father was. Audrey doesn't seem to notice how antsy the whole conversation is making him, or maybe she's passing it off to the usual confusion and underlying desperation that accompanies almost anything having to do with her past these days.
Luckily Audrey carries most of the conversation on the way back to work, because Nathan's mind is distracted by trying to figure out what the hell he's going to do.
***
He takes half a personal day and talks to Jordan first.
He doesn't give her all the details but she guesses enough on her own. What bothers Nathan the most is how she doesn't even look surprised.
Their breakup is quiet and to the point and leaves him feeling like shit. In addition to the shame he was already feeling about having gotten into this relationship when he knew he wasn't ready to let go of Audrey and for sleeping with another woman without giving Jordan a second thought, there's the added guilt of knowing that he's one of only two people on a planet of seven billion whom she can touch without causing pain and he's walking away. He wonders if he's getting a taste of the pressure Audrey feels to use her abilities to help the Troubled.
If so, he hasn't been giving her nearly enough credit.
Nathan spends the rest of the afternoon on the shore where they found the body they now know didn't belong to the Colorado Kid. He pictures Lucy the way she appeared in the Herald all those years ago, holding an eight-year-old Duke Crocker's hand, a young Garland Wuornos in the background. Everything's so undeniably connected and yet he can't put the pieces together, can't figure out how it all fits or what any of it means or, most importantly, what they can learn from it that might save Audrey.
No closer to an answer after hours of trying to make some sense of it all, he's back at the station in time to pick Audrey up at the end of the day and take her home.
Usually he just drops her off, but today he pulls into the parking lot of the Gull and turns off the truck. Audrey tilts her head at him in that way he's so used to as she unbuckles her seatbelt. "You're staying?" she asks, and he wonders if it's his imagination or if she really does look pleased with the idea.
He taps his fingers against the steering wheel a few times before looking her in the eye. "Can I come up? There's something that happened when Duke and I were in 1955 that I have to talk to you about."
She's instantly curious, as he'd known she would be. "What is it?"
He shakes his head. "Inside."
This could be a make-or-break conversation, he thinks as they exit the truck, and he can't feel his heart pounding but he knows it is by the rushing in his ears. Halfway up the stairs leading to her apartment he puts his hand against the small of her back, and he doesn't know what the expression on his face is telling her but when Audrey glances at him over her shoulder, all she does is give him a shy smile.
Maybe, he thinks, this won't be so bad, and then he takes a deep breath and follows her into her apartment.
--end--