Lie to Me (2/4)
Part [ 1]
“Two new members?!” Chanyeol barked his words, verbalizing the surprise the rest of the room was feeling at the manager’s announcement.
“That’s right.” The manager smiled. “So it is probably best if the rest of you keep practicing.”’
It had been rare to see two complete and total newbies enter the pre-debut team. Tao was an exception, Luhan and Kyungsoo had done it in a relatively short period of time. The rest of them had spent months or years working hard to get where they were. And now there were two complete strangers that were about to thrown into their team without a day of training under their belt.
“Guys, it will be okay.” Junmyeon tried to reassure the room, but he was nervous too. If the two new guys were so good they could skip the usual climb through the trainee ranks, none of them were safe. SM had yet to give the pre-debut team any real hint of when they might debut or how many of them would debut. With two more guys in the mix the competition had just reached new heights.
“They start tomorrow. Try to play nice, okay?” The manager left them with those words.
“What did he say?” Tao asked, using one of the only Korean phrases he had learned so far.
Yixing explained what had happened in rapid fire Mandarin, Tao turning a bit paler as he learned of what had everyone so worked up.
“Do you think we will debut this year? Next maybe?” Jongin asked quietly. He had been training for four years. He didn’t want to think about not debuting soon. He didn’t want to think about being replaced by someone who had just signed with the company.
“He said they were singers, not dancers. I am sure you will debut soon.” Kyungsoo noted glumly. His talent was singing - he was in danger not Jongin.
“Hey, hey, let’s try not to panic.” Minseok tried to act like a voice of reason. He was the oldest of all of them after all. Plus he hadn’t missed the fact Junmyeon looked depressed, shedding his usual bright and calm persona. “We all work hard, we know we are good, right? How many times has something like this happened?”
“We weren’t on the pre-debut team then.” Chanyeol countered.
“Maybe they want to debut twelve of us?” Minseok suggested.
“Ha. As if.” Kris stood up “I am going back to the practice room. Seems like we all need to try a bit harder, huh.”
Minseok watched him go, the other boys slinking after him one by one until only Luhan and him remained behind.
“What will you do…if you don’t debut, I mean.” Luhan asked, clearly worried.
Minseok considered the question. He didn’t really have a plan if he didn’t debut. He had thrown his whole young life, his whole life outside of high school, into his training. He didn’t have college to fall back on like Luhan. He didn’t have a wealthy family to fall back on like Junmyeon. “Probably join the army.”
“The army?!” Luhan’s eyes grew wide “For two years!”
“That is the usual enlistment period.” Minseok didn’t want to think about how terrifying it would be to enter the army, leave everything behind, and admit defeat. “What would you do?”
“Pitch a tent on your army base and wait for you to be discharged.” Luhan laughed, his tension seemingly disappearing instantly.
“Really? I think the army might get a bit upset about that.” Minseok needed Luhan’s humor at a time like this.
“I have connections, they won’t be able to run me off the base.” Luhan bragged.
“Connections, huh?” Minseok rolled his eyes “The president or?”
“Something like that.” Luhan winked “Now let’s go practice, Baozi.”
***
The two new kids were loud. Really loud. Especially the one named Byun Baekhyun. Minseok was pretty sure he hadn’t shut up since he had arrived at the practice room. Minseok was seriously hoping it was his way of dealing with being nervous or something.
Chanyeol had latched onto the newbies almost instantly, but the others were warming up to them rather quickly as well.
Kim Jongdae was a thin kid, with an amazing ability to hit high notes. He seemed to be good natured, perhaps more so than Baekhyun. Baekhyun was the talker, rambling on and on without stopping. His voice was amazing, clear and higher than Kyungsoo’s, yet lower than Jongdae’s. He came from one of the provinces and he quickly rattled off everything that was different in Seoul as compared to where he had grown up.
“Do you think they know how to be quiet?” Luhan whispered to Minseok as the day dragged on, the chatter never-ending.
“It doesn’t appear so.” Minseok crossed his arms, watching the new kids. On one hand he was happy they were assimilating into the group so smoothly. On the other hand he couldn’t help but be slightly threatened by them. That was until it came time for dance practice.
It was evident Jongdae had never dance before, Baekhyun was only marginally better. Jongin and Yixing quickly took them under their wings, agreeing to help them after their official practice schedule had ended. Minseok felt a little less threatened now that he knew they couldn’t dance, because no matter how many of them ended up debuting, they were debuting with SM Entertainment. Dance was their centerpiece.
“Do you want to go for coffee after practice?” Luhan slung an arm around Minseok, pulling him closer to his side.
It was like this lately, more so than usual. Ever since they had fought Luhan had become clingier, more affectionate. They had even taken to sleeping in the same bed most nights, passing out exhausted with little space in between them. They never talked about why they did it, slept together, they just climbed into the top or bottom bunk and passed out.
On one hand Minseok thought it was comforting, all of the physical contact. It raised a few eyebrows now and then from the other guys - especially when Luhan took to back hugging Minseok anytime he felt like it. Minseok was not uncomfortable with all of the touching, until he started to realize he craved it.
“Sure.” Minseok wiped the sweat off his forehead, taking a gulp of water before handing the bottle to Luhan.
“I have something I want to tell you.” Luhan announced, not willing to say anything else no matter how much Minseok questioned him.
It was well past one in the morning when Luhan and Minseok walked into the nearly deserted café. With their often late night schedules they had extensive knowledge of which cafes were open late. It was a necessity for their coffee habit.
Sitting at a small table near the back of the café, far from the windows and the baristas, tucked away in a little space of their own, they enjoyed their Americanos.
“So what is this big secret?” Minseok asked, making a sound of satisfaction as he sipped the warm drink.
“I have a girlfriend.”
Minseok nearly choked. He coughed, Luhan reaching forward to pat his back in surprise “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, sorry, went down the wrong pipe.” Minseok tried to stop hacking, tried to act like the news didn’t bother him. When had Luhan had time to find a girlfriend? They were together day and night.
“Who…”Minseok tried to regain his composure “Is she?”
“A trainee. I met her the other day when I went to the cafeteria. She asked for my number and we texted yesterday and today she asked me out.” Luhan looked happy.
Minseok wanted to say things that didn’t make sense. He wanted to ask Luhan how he could…do that. But those types of words meant more than what Minseok wanted them to mean. They meant something Minseok wasn’t ready to consider. They were blind, angry thoughts that raged in his mind as he stared at Luhan. Luhan who was grinning ear to ear.
“And you said yes?”
“Of course. She is really pretty Baozi. Look.” Luhan held up his cell phone, displaying a picture of a girl. She was smiling up at the camera, clearly posing. She was pretty, Minseok had to admit it. Much better than the overdone tart that he had seen at the Yonsei college party. Still, it bothered Minseok.
“I don’t know her.” Minseok tried to remember seeing the girl before, but he had no memory of her.
“She just started a couple of weeks ago. Seems she is being put into the pre-debut rotation.” Luhan pulled his phone back, flipping it over he stared at the picture looking like a lovesick fool “Her name is Qian Ya. She is from China.”
“Well, congratulations.” Minseok took another drink of coffee, this time burning his tongue as he gulped down the hot drink when he should have been sipping it. He tried to bear the pain, not willing to make another scene.
“Thanks. Hey, she has a friend. Maybe we could double date on Saturday night or something?” Luhan looked too happy for Minseok to say no, so he said yes.
“You know if we debut they are going to ask us to break up with anyone we are seeing.” Minseok felt petty saying it, but it was the truth “At least for a while they won’t want us to focus on anything but work.”
“But that is a suggestion, not a rule, right? As long as we can manage our private lives everything will be cool. Other people have done it.” Luhan dismissed the warning.
Minseok went back to drinking his coffee, listening as Luhan gushed about how wonderful his new girlfriend was. Minseok wondered how much of what he was saying were lies.
***
Junmyeon had to stop Minseok from cleaning the bathroom for the third time that day.
“Hyung, just leave it. Please?” Junmyeon flashed big eyes, trying to look cute as he urged Minseok to stop his cleaning spree.
Minseok knew he was doing it again. He knew why too. Two hours and counting until his double date with Luhan.
“Baozi! Come in here and let me know if this looks okay?” Luhan called from their bedroom.
Minseok shut his eyes tightly for a moment, a move that did not go unnoticed by Junmyeon “Hey, you don’t have to go, hyung.”
Minseok nodded “I know.”
Minseok walked into the bedroom to find Luhan with half of his closet strewn on Minseok’s bed. When Luhan noticed Minseok was scowling at the mess, he quickly apologized “Sorry, I will clean it up, I promise. I just didn’t have anywhere to throw my stuff as I went through it.”
Kris was asleep on his bed, snoring away, making Luhan’s reason for making a mess on Minseok’s bed more reasonable. “You better.”
“I will, I will. Hey, do you think this shirt looks good?” Luhan turned around like he was modeling high fashion or something.
Minseok took in the sight. Luhan was wearing a blue button down shirt, slightly distressed. It fit Luhan’s thin body well, showing off his lean torso.
“It looks okay.” Minseok was willing to admit.
“Just okay? Not super-hot?” Luhan pouted “Hey, you should wear this shirt. I like how you look in it.”
Minseok didn’t want to consider how that sounded - how the words sounded. He liked how he looked in it? He liked how he looked?
Luhan pushed the navy blue sweater forward, waving it in Minseok’s face. It snapped him back to reality. He took the sweater, but could not help but look at it like he was holding some alien species or something. “This shirt?”
“Yeah, you wore it the last time we saw a movie, remember?” Luhan went back to checking himself out in the mirror. “I think this looks good. Light jeans or dark jeans?”
“Light.” Minseok answered immediately. Luhan in dark jeans did something to him. Something that was clearly normal, clearly just him appreciating how his best friend looked good no matter what he wore - but looked better wearing certain things. Maybe like how Luhan liked him the navy blue sweater? That must have been it.
Minseok chuckled, feeling like he was going insane.
“Are you feeling okay?” Luhan stopped preening for a moment to look at his friend.
“I feel great. Wonderful. Super wonderful.”
“Good! Two hours Baozi!”
“Two hours” Minseok muttered, wishing he could suddenly be struck by the flu or something.
***
The location of the date was not cheap, that much was certain the moment that Minseok had walked into the restaurant. He momentarily panicked, looking over to see Luhan patting the pocket his wallet was in “My parents gave me a credit card when I came to Korea. I hardly use it, don’t worry.”
Minseok breathed a sigh of relief, though he wanted to argue about Luhan hardly using his credit card. He clearly did, his expensive tastes and frequent spending (including their coffee dates) hard to ignore. Still, Minseok only had small amount of money in his pocket, probably not enough for this place.
They were seated at a table by the large wall of windows that displayed a killer view of Seoul’s skyline. It was by far the nicest place that Minseok had ever been.
“Aren’t we underdressed?” Minseok felt very self-conscious suddenly, tugging at his blue sweater in emphasize.
“No. This is a trendy place. Jeans are completely fine, see.” Luhan gestured towards some of the other patrons, some of whom were attired similarly (thought wearing much more expensive jeans and designer accessories).
Then the wait began. And continued. And continued some more. Luhan had said they would arrive around eight. It was ten thirty and Luhan hadn’t received a call on the phone he checked every fifteen seconds. The white candles that acted as a centerpiece were half gone, the bottle of wine they had ordered was now the second bottle of wine they had ordered.
“Maybe something came up.” Minseok said for the fiftieth time, trying to calm down his friend. Internally, Minseok was relieved the girls had stayed away. Internally, his mind was starting to fight him, remind him of what he didn’t want to be reminded of. That the thought of Luhan with a girlfriend drove him nuts. That he didn’t want Luhan to have a girlfriend, he wanted Luhan all to himself.
“Ha. Guessing I wasn’t her type after all.” Luhan checked his phone again. To Minseok’s surprise, however, Luhan turned the phone over and removed the battery.
“Are you going to be okay?” Minseok was seriously worried. Luhan looked half mad at the moment.
Luhan slunk back in his chair, downing his seventh glass of wine. To say that he was drunk was an understatement. “What is wrong with me Baozi?”
“Nothing is wrong with you.” Minseok reached a hand forward unconsciously trying to comfort his friend. He was surprised when Luhan sat forward, taking Minseok’s hand in his own. He was drunk too, the wine coursing through him, making him feel warm and tingly.
“Why can’t anyone love me?” Luhan’s voice was full of raw emotion, his tone was one Minseok had never heard before. It was…honest, full of pain and sadness and regret and confusion.
“Stop it. You are great. You are Luhan, the coolest most bad ass guy I know.” Minseok stared down at where Luhan’s hand was resting on his own. He didn’t remove his hand, even if he knew he should have. Instead he felt the warmth radiating from Luhan’s larger hand, felt a sense of comfort that was probably, he hoped, due to the alcohol.
A minute passed in silence, then another. Neither man breaking the odd spell that had fallen over the table as their hands touched.
Luhan broke the silence, asking the most unexpected of questions “Have you ever dated anyone?”
“Me?” Minseok asked stupidly. He didn’t want to say it, normally he would have given a noncommittal response about not finding the right person or asking how someone could think he had never dated anyone at his age. “No, I have never dated anyone.”
“Did you ever like anyone?” Luhan’s voice was low now, dangerously low, like he was trying to have the most private of conversations with Minseok at the moment. Minseok felt his face grow warm. It had to be the wine he reminded himself.
“Yes.” Minseok answered honestly. There had been a girl in middle school that he was crazy about but she had quickly turned him down.
“Did they like you back?”
“No.” Minseok was blushing furiously now, he was sure of it.
“What if I told you there was only one person I ever thought I could love? Did love?” Luhan mused as he started to trace small circles on the back of Minseok’s hand, apparently missing Minseok’s torch red face.
“Really?” He wasn’t sure if he could answer in more than one word. Not when his heart was beating so fast, not when his mouth had become suddenly, inexplicably dry.
“Do you know, Baozi, it doesn’t matter, because they don’t love me.” Luhan jerked his hand away, leaving Minseok feeling an acute loss of contact. “Why would they? My parents don’t even love me. Never have.”
“I am sure that isn’t true.” Minseok figured out how to breathe again, pushing the confusing thoughts from his head.
“It is true, and who can blame them?”
“I can blame them.” Minseok wanted to take it back because it was so….transparent. It was born from emotions.
“Do you love me?” Luhan asked, staring at Minseok so intently it slightly frightened him.
“Love you?” Minseok was a rational man, love meant many things he reminded himself “Of course. You are my best friend.”
Luhan nodded, “Yeah, we are best friends” Minseok noticed Luhan looked…disappointed. Or was it all Minseok’s imagination.
“Hey, we should go home Baozi.”
Luhan paid the check while Minseok waited for him outside, sucking in the cool night air. It was sobering, which is just what he needed after the short intense conversation they had just had. Minseok knew it wasn’t the alcohol, he had started to realize that long ago he just didn’t want to admit it to himself.
Staring up at the hazy night sky, he let himself recognize what it all meant. He found Luhan attractive. He liked Luhan. He liked Luhan in a way that was not about being friends. He liked a man, and that man was Luhan. He had never considered that he was gay, hell - he had no dating experience. Yet there he was, looking at Luhan when he was dancing and blushing. Feeling Luhan’s warm body pressed against his own as they slept, willing away arousal at the physical contact. It was Luhan that he wanted, and he didn’t know how to digest that fact. Thankfully, Luhan knew just how to bury those feelings for Minseok, at least temporarily.
When Luhan emerged from the restaurant he seemed a changed man.
“Who needs girls any way, right?” Luhan grabbed Minseok’s hand, swinging their intertwined hands as he began walking “Did I ever tell you about that time that I accidently set the girls room on fire at my high school?”
“No?!” Minseok was sure it was going to be a lie, but at the moment a lie was what he needed. He needed normal. He needed to remind himself that Luhan liked girls, that Luhan didn’t like him. That Luhan just wanted to be friends.
Luhan rambled on, explaining in great detail a series of events that had never happened. Minseok listened intently, happy for the familiar diversion.
***
Luhan wasn’t going to make a fuss. Why should he? Minseok had mentioned her more than once.
“She is an old friend from school.” Minseok had explained, reminding Luhan who exactly Hye Jin was. Luhan remembered the name coming up now and then he just didn’t want to think she was actually going to visit.
Yixing called him possessive, too possessive when it came to Minseok. Yixing could say things like that to Luhan because he was the only really close friend Luhan had- outside of Minseok that is. The other guys were great, personable, but they weren’t close friends. Yixing on the other hand had quickly taken a liking to Luhan and the feelings were mutual. They bonded over being foreigners, they bonded over music, and they bonded over their bizarre sense of humor.
Yixing was the only person on the team that knew Luhan was bisexual (a confession Luhan had made one night when he had accidently let it slip he had dated a guy back in China). He was the only one there that never made fun of Luhan when everyone else did - when they thought Luhan couldn’t hear how they called him a liar or mocked his accent.
“What do I do?” Luhan whined to Yixing, plopping down on Yixing’s bed. It was Sunday afternoon and Minseok was going to meet his old school friend in an hour.
“Let them go Luhan. It isn’t a date.” Yixing was busy at his computer, composing a new track. He was gifted at arranging and often spent all of his free time doing just that. More times than not, Luhan would wander into his room for a few minutes and shoot the shit, more often than not Luhan ended up talking about Minseok.
“I know…but.”
“But you are jealous.” Yixing had surmised the situation well, “Weren’t you the one trying to make him jealous with that fake trainee girlfriend story?”
“It didn’t work.” Luhan bit his bottom lip, trying to erase the day he dragged Minseok to dinner, to a date under false pretenses, only to hear Minseok say he loved him like a friend. Only like a friend.
“Well, you didn’t exactly confess to him, did you?” Yixing pushed a few keys before dropping his headphones “Dang, I just can’t figure it out.”
“I basically confessed to him. I mean, I asked if he loved me.” Luhan picked up one of the plushies on Yixing’s bed, tossing it in the air and catching it mindlessly.
“But he doesn’t know how you feel, not really.” Yixing clicked from his composing software to his fan portal. He was the only other trainee with an active fan page, the other being Chanyeol. Yixing had gained a fan gathering back in China when he was often on television as a young man, on variety and singing programs. Chanyeol on the other hand had been singled out for being one the best looking trainees at SM. The fans waiting in front of the company building for the guys from Shinee, Super Junior, and TVXQ taking note and starting a small fan site for him.
“But I know how he feels. He just sees me as a friend.” Luhan felt miserable. “What if I go with him, to meet her?”
“Uninvited? No.” Yixing scrolled through the latest comments on the site, typing a few replies.
“He won’t say no if I ask.” Luhan was sure of it.
“Do what you want.”
Luhan decided their conversation was over, Yixing had given him his blessing.
That is how, an hour and a half later he was seated in a café, trying not to glare at a very pretty, very personable, very funny young woman.
“And that time you overslept and ran into class holding a toaster!” Hye Jin laughed, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her left ear. She was cute, Luhan thought, too cute. She had short black hair, a wide smile, big eyes, and a small nose. Luhan didn’t like her.
He sat next to Minseok, Hye Jin across from them. She had ordered juice, apparently she couldn’t handle too much caffeine. Another mark against her Luhan decided.
“That is sooo funny!” Luhan slapped his knee a minute too late, laughing loudly in a clear overreaction given the only slightly humorous turn of the story Hye Jin had just told.
“Luhan, what is it like in Beijing? I have never been there.” Hye Jin sipped her juice, turning her attention to the man she had just met.
“Smoggy. Full of people. You know, kind of like Seoul” Luhan tried to act charming.
“What do your parents do?” Hye Jin asked, clearly curious about Luhan. It made him slightly uncomfortable, but he knew this type of feeling and exactly how to get over it. Lie.
“They are in business.” Luhan answered briskly “Mergers acquisitions, the lighting business, shipping, aeronautics, hot air balloons, pet rescue, cruise ships, organic farming you name it.”
Hye Jin’s mouth made a perfect O “You must be loaded. And here you are, sitting with two poor kids.”
Luhan didn’t miss the way Minseok tensed, the way he stopped smiling.
“Um, not really.” Luhan grabbed a cookie from the plate on the center of the table, a snack Hye Jin had ordered before they arrived “Just normal.”
“Really? Even with all of those businesses?”
“Yep” Luhan wanted to scowl at her for pressing on a topic that had clearly made Minseok uncomfortable “So, tell me more stories about little Baozi.”
“B..a…o..zi?” Hye Jin quirked an eyebrow.
“Hm. It is the same thing as Mandu but in Mandarin. Doesn’t he look like one?” Luhan smiled at Minseok, who squirmed in his chair.
“He does!” Hye Jin laughed.
“Hye Jin, You are not allowed to call me that.” Minseok shot Luhan a death glare.
“Am I the only one allowed to call you that?” Luhan played it like a joke, but he wanted the answer more than anything.
“Yes.” Minseok changed the subject, which was okay. Luhan needed to hear that. Wanted to hear that. Could hold onto that, no matter how foolish it was to do so.
***
It wasn’t unusual to see an email from his parents at least twice a week. Well- his parents secretary at least. It was pretty much a form email, asking if he had eaten, if he was sleeping, if he needed money. It was short, it was formal, it was lacking in warmth. It had been that way since he had left China, left with some confusing words about not wanting to work at the family business, not wanting to be lonely for the rest of his life.
Luhan typed out his usual reply - I am eating, sleeping, I don’t need money.
Short, sweet, to the point. He clicked send just as Minseok walked into the room, returning from a shower.
Luhan gulped. Minseok was wearing nothing but a towel, hung loosely on his waist “I forgot my shorts. Don’t mind me.”
Luhan didn’t want to mind him, but he couldn’t look away. He breathed a sigh of relief when Minseok found his shorts and left, returning to the bathroom.
Luhan went back to his email but his mind was blank. It was like that a lot, being near Minseok. Sleeping next to Minseok, hugging him, being close to him. But he couldn’t help it, touching Minseok. Even when it became like torture, to be so near something he could never have the way he wanted to, he couldn’t stop.
***
They trained until almost four the next morning, perfecting their latest routine for the monthly team evaluation. Minseok kept falling behind, kept missing steps.
“What’s wrong?” Luhan was happy for a break, only their second since they had started practicing at two o’clock in the afternoon.
“I don’t feel well.” Minseok looked tired, exhausted.
Luhan hadn’t been ignorant to the events of their monthly physical. SM required the trainees to see the company’s doctor once a month for a full evaluation, a way for the company to ensure the trainees were taking care of themselves. The evaluation included a weigh in, often with very blunt orders for the trainees to lose weight if they were tipping the scales above where the doctors thought they should be.
“Did you eat?” Luhan rubbed Minseok’s arms, worried. It wouldn’t be the first month Minseok was instructed to lose weight.
“Yeah. I had salad earlier.”
“We have been practicing for almost twelve hour, you need to eat more than a salad.” Luhan walked to his backpack, taking out an energy bar he thrust it at Minseok “Who cares what they say, you need to eat.”
Minseok grabbed the energy bar, opening it and taking a bite in a hurry.
Luhan grabbed a few more bars from his backpack, handing them to Minseok “Eat all of them. Seriously.” Luhan hated how they told Minseok to lose weight, he thought he was perfect the way he was.
“I will.” Minseok knew that he should have eaten more, it was just hard when he knew his weight could be the determining factor when it came to his debut.
At four in the morning, however, everything changed.
***
“Hyungnim!” Junmyeon assembled the team for a bow as the most senior manager of the trainees, a man who rarely made a personal appearance in the practice room outside of monthly evaluations, walked in. It was a quarter to five, the team had been resting, discussing their mistakes and how to fix them.
“Sit, sit.” The manager pulled up a metal folding chair that was leaning against the far end of the practice room- disused for the most part given the trainees habit of sitting on the floor after and between practices.
The team sat down, looking expectantly at the man. Lee Seunghwan was handsome, thin and tall. Rumor had it he was a trainee once too, but failed out of the system. Since then he had been working his way through the SM management system until he was in a place to take charge of the next act to debut. He was often the first manager in the building and always the last to leave.
“I have something important to tell you, and really I should wait until later today to do it but I won’t.”
Everyone was tense, expectant. Luhan heard Jongdae whisper something to Junmyeon about if this was when they were all fired.
“The company has plans to debut you guys- as 12.”
A collective sigh seemed to be heard all around with the confirmation they all had a spot in the group. The manager continued “You are going to be called to the main office to review the contracts, probably tomorrow or the next day. I have three things I need to say and three things you guys seriously need to think about.”
When no one said a word, asked a question, or started celebrating prematurely, he continued “First, this contract is going to change everything about your life. You will become part of something that is a team effort, a public team effort. You will be required to work hard, work long hours, and dedicate yourselves to a venture that may not result in instant success. You won’t have time for friends or girlfriends or boyfriends of whatever you guys do in your free time.”
Sehun giggled at the comment, Junmyeon nudging him to be quiet.
“You won’t have a private life anymore. Not even family visits, not often any way. Do you understand?”
Mumbled agreements were heard, everyone still in shock from learning they would finally debut.
“Secondly, this stuff can get ugly, fast. People will look to you as a role model. Love can be replaced by hatred in a split second. And the pay is dependent on that love. If people hate you they won’t your albums. If they don’t buy your albums you don’t get paid. You might make shit for a few months or a few years or until you are disbanded. You may make nothing at all.”
The manager continued “Third- they are planning on debuting half of you in China and half of you in Korea, with the two teams coming together only a few times a year. That means you are two teams, not one. And I can’t guarantee which of you Korean guys are going to be going to China.”
The last piece of news was sobering, for eight of them, maybe for all twelve of them. While such an arrangement was not a secret it had never been confirmed. They had taken to pretending it was a rumor, that it probably was just something that the trainees had made up. They had no idea it was what the company had actually intended to go through with.
“If all of that is fine with you, good. Sign that contract- let you parents read it first. You read it first. Front to back, even the small print.” The manager stood, the trainees instantly standing as well.
“I said sit, sit. You guys have been working too hard.” The manager shooed them back to a sitting position “I just want you guys to know what you are getting into, okay. I can’t make the choice for you, but you obviously know I want you to debut.”
It was a blur, the minutes after. Luhan would never forget it though- how Chanyeol whooped and yelled and picked Junmyeon up into a bear hug and spun him around. Jongin was in tears as he tried to retreat to a back corner, only to be grabbed by Sehun and Tao who were also crying.
Kris tried to act cool but it was clear the news had affected him as well, he held his hand to his eyes, claiming he was just tired. Jongdae and Baekhyun looked relieved, while Kyungsoo was smiling devilishly while texting on his phone. Yixing made rounds patting everyone’s butts in celebration, a habit that they had all gotten used to.
Luhan faced his best friend, smiling “We did it Baozi.”
“Yeah.” Minseok was blushing, his pale cheeks turning that slight shade of pink that Luhan found so adorable.
Luhan pulled him into his arms, hugging him tightly against him. He felt his friend breath in and out, felt him melt into the hug. “You have to go to China with me.”
“I will.” Minseok answered in Mandarin, showing off what he had learned after years taking mandatory language classes at SM Entertainment.
“What if they don’t let you?” Luhan broke the hug, holding Minseok at arm’s length. He suddenly imagined debuting in China, Minseok in Korea. He imagined no longer sleeping with Minseok’s smaller body pressed closely to his own. He suddenly imagined waking up without a sleeping Korean boy snuggled up to him. He wanted to scream.
“I don’t know, I guess then that’s that.” Minseok didn’t look particularly upset about the thought. Luhan wanted to cry. But he didn’t. He put on a smile, masking his emotions, using the same tactics he had learned over year and years of pretending things didn’t bother him.
It was only that morning as they laid down for a few hours of sleep that Luhan felt a tear slip down his cheek, a wayward tear that wouldn’t be the last, not if he had to let the sleeping man in his arms go.
NEXT CHAPTER >>>>
“Two new members?!” Chanyeol barked his words, verbalizing the surprise the rest of the room was feeling at the manager’s announcement.
“That’s right.” The manager smiled. “So it is probably best if the rest of you keep practicing.”’
It had been rare to see two complete and total newbies enter the pre-debut team. Tao was an exception, Luhan and Kyungsoo had done it in a relatively short period of time. The rest of them had spent months or years working hard to get where they were. And now there were two complete strangers that were about to thrown into their team without a day of training under their belt.
“Guys, it will be okay.” Junmyeon tried to reassure the room, but he was nervous too. If the two new guys were so good they could skip the usual climb through the trainee ranks, none of them were safe. SM had yet to give the pre-debut team any real hint of when they might debut or how many of them would debut. With two more guys in the mix the competition had just reached new heights.
“They start tomorrow. Try to play nice, okay?” The manager left them with those words.
“What did he say?” Tao asked, using one of the only Korean phrases he had learned so far.
Yixing explained what had happened in rapid fire Mandarin, Tao turning a bit paler as he learned of what had everyone so worked up.
“Do you think we will debut this year? Next maybe?” Jongin asked quietly. He had been training for four years. He didn’t want to think about not debuting soon. He didn’t want to think about being replaced by someone who had just signed with the company.
“He said they were singers, not dancers. I am sure you will debut soon.” Kyungsoo noted glumly. His talent was singing - he was in danger not Jongin.
“Hey, hey, let’s try not to panic.” Minseok tried to act like a voice of reason. He was the oldest of all of them after all. Plus he hadn’t missed the fact Junmyeon looked depressed, shedding his usual bright and calm persona. “We all work hard, we know we are good, right? How many times has something like this happened?”
“We weren’t on the pre-debut team then.” Chanyeol countered.
“Maybe they want to debut twelve of us?” Minseok suggested.
“Ha. As if.” Kris stood up “I am going back to the practice room. Seems like we all need to try a bit harder, huh.”
Minseok watched him go, the other boys slinking after him one by one until only Luhan and him remained behind.
“What will you do…if you don’t debut, I mean.” Luhan asked, clearly worried.
Minseok considered the question. He didn’t really have a plan if he didn’t debut. He had thrown his whole young life, his whole life outside of high school, into his training. He didn’t have college to fall back on like Luhan. He didn’t have a wealthy family to fall back on like Junmyeon. “Probably join the army.”
“The army?!” Luhan’s eyes grew wide “For two years!”
“That is the usual enlistment period.” Minseok didn’t want to think about how terrifying it would be to enter the army, leave everything behind, and admit defeat. “What would you do?”
“Pitch a tent on your army base and wait for you to be discharged.” Luhan laughed, his tension seemingly disappearing instantly.
“Really? I think the army might get a bit upset about that.” Minseok needed Luhan’s humor at a time like this.
“I have connections, they won’t be able to run me off the base.” Luhan bragged.
“Connections, huh?” Minseok rolled his eyes “The president or?”
“Something like that.” Luhan winked “Now let’s go practice, Baozi.”
***
The two new kids were loud. Really loud. Especially the one named Byun Baekhyun. Minseok was pretty sure he hadn’t shut up since he had arrived at the practice room. Minseok was seriously hoping it was his way of dealing with being nervous or something.
Chanyeol had latched onto the newbies almost instantly, but the others were warming up to them rather quickly as well.
Kim Jongdae was a thin kid, with an amazing ability to hit high notes. He seemed to be good natured, perhaps more so than Baekhyun. Baekhyun was the talker, rambling on and on without stopping. His voice was amazing, clear and higher than Kyungsoo’s, yet lower than Jongdae’s. He came from one of the provinces and he quickly rattled off everything that was different in Seoul as compared to where he had grown up.
“Do you think they know how to be quiet?” Luhan whispered to Minseok as the day dragged on, the chatter never-ending.
“It doesn’t appear so.” Minseok crossed his arms, watching the new kids. On one hand he was happy they were assimilating into the group so smoothly. On the other hand he couldn’t help but be slightly threatened by them. That was until it came time for dance practice.
It was evident Jongdae had never dance before, Baekhyun was only marginally better. Jongin and Yixing quickly took them under their wings, agreeing to help them after their official practice schedule had ended. Minseok felt a little less threatened now that he knew they couldn’t dance, because no matter how many of them ended up debuting, they were debuting with SM Entertainment. Dance was their centerpiece.
“Do you want to go for coffee after practice?” Luhan slung an arm around Minseok, pulling him closer to his side.
It was like this lately, more so than usual. Ever since they had fought Luhan had become clingier, more affectionate. They had even taken to sleeping in the same bed most nights, passing out exhausted with little space in between them. They never talked about why they did it, slept together, they just climbed into the top or bottom bunk and passed out.
On one hand Minseok thought it was comforting, all of the physical contact. It raised a few eyebrows now and then from the other guys - especially when Luhan took to back hugging Minseok anytime he felt like it. Minseok was not uncomfortable with all of the touching, until he started to realize he craved it.
“Sure.” Minseok wiped the sweat off his forehead, taking a gulp of water before handing the bottle to Luhan.
“I have something I want to tell you.” Luhan announced, not willing to say anything else no matter how much Minseok questioned him.
It was well past one in the morning when Luhan and Minseok walked into the nearly deserted café. With their often late night schedules they had extensive knowledge of which cafes were open late. It was a necessity for their coffee habit.
Sitting at a small table near the back of the café, far from the windows and the baristas, tucked away in a little space of their own, they enjoyed their Americanos.
“So what is this big secret?” Minseok asked, making a sound of satisfaction as he sipped the warm drink.
“I have a girlfriend.”
Minseok nearly choked. He coughed, Luhan reaching forward to pat his back in surprise “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, sorry, went down the wrong pipe.” Minseok tried to stop hacking, tried to act like the news didn’t bother him. When had Luhan had time to find a girlfriend? They were together day and night.
“Who…”Minseok tried to regain his composure “Is she?”
“A trainee. I met her the other day when I went to the cafeteria. She asked for my number and we texted yesterday and today she asked me out.” Luhan looked happy.
Minseok wanted to say things that didn’t make sense. He wanted to ask Luhan how he could…do that. But those types of words meant more than what Minseok wanted them to mean. They meant something Minseok wasn’t ready to consider. They were blind, angry thoughts that raged in his mind as he stared at Luhan. Luhan who was grinning ear to ear.
“And you said yes?”
“Of course. She is really pretty Baozi. Look.” Luhan held up his cell phone, displaying a picture of a girl. She was smiling up at the camera, clearly posing. She was pretty, Minseok had to admit it. Much better than the overdone tart that he had seen at the Yonsei college party. Still, it bothered Minseok.
“I don’t know her.” Minseok tried to remember seeing the girl before, but he had no memory of her.
“She just started a couple of weeks ago. Seems she is being put into the pre-debut rotation.” Luhan pulled his phone back, flipping it over he stared at the picture looking like a lovesick fool “Her name is Qian Ya. She is from China.”
“Well, congratulations.” Minseok took another drink of coffee, this time burning his tongue as he gulped down the hot drink when he should have been sipping it. He tried to bear the pain, not willing to make another scene.
“Thanks. Hey, she has a friend. Maybe we could double date on Saturday night or something?” Luhan looked too happy for Minseok to say no, so he said yes.
“You know if we debut they are going to ask us to break up with anyone we are seeing.” Minseok felt petty saying it, but it was the truth “At least for a while they won’t want us to focus on anything but work.”
“But that is a suggestion, not a rule, right? As long as we can manage our private lives everything will be cool. Other people have done it.” Luhan dismissed the warning.
Minseok went back to drinking his coffee, listening as Luhan gushed about how wonderful his new girlfriend was. Minseok wondered how much of what he was saying were lies.
***
Junmyeon had to stop Minseok from cleaning the bathroom for the third time that day.
“Hyung, just leave it. Please?” Junmyeon flashed big eyes, trying to look cute as he urged Minseok to stop his cleaning spree.
Minseok knew he was doing it again. He knew why too. Two hours and counting until his double date with Luhan.
“Baozi! Come in here and let me know if this looks okay?” Luhan called from their bedroom.
Minseok shut his eyes tightly for a moment, a move that did not go unnoticed by Junmyeon “Hey, you don’t have to go, hyung.”
Minseok nodded “I know.”
Minseok walked into the bedroom to find Luhan with half of his closet strewn on Minseok’s bed. When Luhan noticed Minseok was scowling at the mess, he quickly apologized “Sorry, I will clean it up, I promise. I just didn’t have anywhere to throw my stuff as I went through it.”
Kris was asleep on his bed, snoring away, making Luhan’s reason for making a mess on Minseok’s bed more reasonable. “You better.”
“I will, I will. Hey, do you think this shirt looks good?” Luhan turned around like he was modeling high fashion or something.
Minseok took in the sight. Luhan was wearing a blue button down shirt, slightly distressed. It fit Luhan’s thin body well, showing off his lean torso.
“It looks okay.” Minseok was willing to admit.
“Just okay? Not super-hot?” Luhan pouted “Hey, you should wear this shirt. I like how you look in it.”
Minseok didn’t want to consider how that sounded - how the words sounded. He liked how he looked in it? He liked how he looked?
Luhan pushed the navy blue sweater forward, waving it in Minseok’s face. It snapped him back to reality. He took the sweater, but could not help but look at it like he was holding some alien species or something. “This shirt?”
“Yeah, you wore it the last time we saw a movie, remember?” Luhan went back to checking himself out in the mirror. “I think this looks good. Light jeans or dark jeans?”
“Light.” Minseok answered immediately. Luhan in dark jeans did something to him. Something that was clearly normal, clearly just him appreciating how his best friend looked good no matter what he wore - but looked better wearing certain things. Maybe like how Luhan liked him the navy blue sweater? That must have been it.
Minseok chuckled, feeling like he was going insane.
“Are you feeling okay?” Luhan stopped preening for a moment to look at his friend.
“I feel great. Wonderful. Super wonderful.”
“Good! Two hours Baozi!”
“Two hours” Minseok muttered, wishing he could suddenly be struck by the flu or something.
***
The location of the date was not cheap, that much was certain the moment that Minseok had walked into the restaurant. He momentarily panicked, looking over to see Luhan patting the pocket his wallet was in “My parents gave me a credit card when I came to Korea. I hardly use it, don’t worry.”
Minseok breathed a sigh of relief, though he wanted to argue about Luhan hardly using his credit card. He clearly did, his expensive tastes and frequent spending (including their coffee dates) hard to ignore. Still, Minseok only had small amount of money in his pocket, probably not enough for this place.
They were seated at a table by the large wall of windows that displayed a killer view of Seoul’s skyline. It was by far the nicest place that Minseok had ever been.
“Aren’t we underdressed?” Minseok felt very self-conscious suddenly, tugging at his blue sweater in emphasize.
“No. This is a trendy place. Jeans are completely fine, see.” Luhan gestured towards some of the other patrons, some of whom were attired similarly (thought wearing much more expensive jeans and designer accessories).
Then the wait began. And continued. And continued some more. Luhan had said they would arrive around eight. It was ten thirty and Luhan hadn’t received a call on the phone he checked every fifteen seconds. The white candles that acted as a centerpiece were half gone, the bottle of wine they had ordered was now the second bottle of wine they had ordered.
“Maybe something came up.” Minseok said for the fiftieth time, trying to calm down his friend. Internally, Minseok was relieved the girls had stayed away. Internally, his mind was starting to fight him, remind him of what he didn’t want to be reminded of. That the thought of Luhan with a girlfriend drove him nuts. That he didn’t want Luhan to have a girlfriend, he wanted Luhan all to himself.
“Ha. Guessing I wasn’t her type after all.” Luhan checked his phone again. To Minseok’s surprise, however, Luhan turned the phone over and removed the battery.
“Are you going to be okay?” Minseok was seriously worried. Luhan looked half mad at the moment.
Luhan slunk back in his chair, downing his seventh glass of wine. To say that he was drunk was an understatement. “What is wrong with me Baozi?”
“Nothing is wrong with you.” Minseok reached a hand forward unconsciously trying to comfort his friend. He was surprised when Luhan sat forward, taking Minseok’s hand in his own. He was drunk too, the wine coursing through him, making him feel warm and tingly.
“Why can’t anyone love me?” Luhan’s voice was full of raw emotion, his tone was one Minseok had never heard before. It was…honest, full of pain and sadness and regret and confusion.
“Stop it. You are great. You are Luhan, the coolest most bad ass guy I know.” Minseok stared down at where Luhan’s hand was resting on his own. He didn’t remove his hand, even if he knew he should have. Instead he felt the warmth radiating from Luhan’s larger hand, felt a sense of comfort that was probably, he hoped, due to the alcohol.
A minute passed in silence, then another. Neither man breaking the odd spell that had fallen over the table as their hands touched.
Luhan broke the silence, asking the most unexpected of questions “Have you ever dated anyone?”
“Me?” Minseok asked stupidly. He didn’t want to say it, normally he would have given a noncommittal response about not finding the right person or asking how someone could think he had never dated anyone at his age. “No, I have never dated anyone.”
“Did you ever like anyone?” Luhan’s voice was low now, dangerously low, like he was trying to have the most private of conversations with Minseok at the moment. Minseok felt his face grow warm. It had to be the wine he reminded himself.
“Yes.” Minseok answered honestly. There had been a girl in middle school that he was crazy about but she had quickly turned him down.
“Did they like you back?”
“No.” Minseok was blushing furiously now, he was sure of it.
“What if I told you there was only one person I ever thought I could love? Did love?” Luhan mused as he started to trace small circles on the back of Minseok’s hand, apparently missing Minseok’s torch red face.
“Really?” He wasn’t sure if he could answer in more than one word. Not when his heart was beating so fast, not when his mouth had become suddenly, inexplicably dry.
“Do you know, Baozi, it doesn’t matter, because they don’t love me.” Luhan jerked his hand away, leaving Minseok feeling an acute loss of contact. “Why would they? My parents don’t even love me. Never have.”
“I am sure that isn’t true.” Minseok figured out how to breathe again, pushing the confusing thoughts from his head.
“It is true, and who can blame them?”
“I can blame them.” Minseok wanted to take it back because it was so….transparent. It was born from emotions.
“Do you love me?” Luhan asked, staring at Minseok so intently it slightly frightened him.
“Love you?” Minseok was a rational man, love meant many things he reminded himself “Of course. You are my best friend.”
Luhan nodded, “Yeah, we are best friends” Minseok noticed Luhan looked…disappointed. Or was it all Minseok’s imagination.
“Hey, we should go home Baozi.”
Luhan paid the check while Minseok waited for him outside, sucking in the cool night air. It was sobering, which is just what he needed after the short intense conversation they had just had. Minseok knew it wasn’t the alcohol, he had started to realize that long ago he just didn’t want to admit it to himself.
Staring up at the hazy night sky, he let himself recognize what it all meant. He found Luhan attractive. He liked Luhan. He liked Luhan in a way that was not about being friends. He liked a man, and that man was Luhan. He had never considered that he was gay, hell - he had no dating experience. Yet there he was, looking at Luhan when he was dancing and blushing. Feeling Luhan’s warm body pressed against his own as they slept, willing away arousal at the physical contact. It was Luhan that he wanted, and he didn’t know how to digest that fact. Thankfully, Luhan knew just how to bury those feelings for Minseok, at least temporarily.
When Luhan emerged from the restaurant he seemed a changed man.
“Who needs girls any way, right?” Luhan grabbed Minseok’s hand, swinging their intertwined hands as he began walking “Did I ever tell you about that time that I accidently set the girls room on fire at my high school?”
“No?!” Minseok was sure it was going to be a lie, but at the moment a lie was what he needed. He needed normal. He needed to remind himself that Luhan liked girls, that Luhan didn’t like him. That Luhan just wanted to be friends.
Luhan rambled on, explaining in great detail a series of events that had never happened. Minseok listened intently, happy for the familiar diversion.
***
Luhan wasn’t going to make a fuss. Why should he? Minseok had mentioned her more than once.
“She is an old friend from school.” Minseok had explained, reminding Luhan who exactly Hye Jin was. Luhan remembered the name coming up now and then he just didn’t want to think she was actually going to visit.
Yixing called him possessive, too possessive when it came to Minseok. Yixing could say things like that to Luhan because he was the only really close friend Luhan had- outside of Minseok that is. The other guys were great, personable, but they weren’t close friends. Yixing on the other hand had quickly taken a liking to Luhan and the feelings were mutual. They bonded over being foreigners, they bonded over music, and they bonded over their bizarre sense of humor.
Yixing was the only person on the team that knew Luhan was bisexual (a confession Luhan had made one night when he had accidently let it slip he had dated a guy back in China). He was the only one there that never made fun of Luhan when everyone else did - when they thought Luhan couldn’t hear how they called him a liar or mocked his accent.
“What do I do?” Luhan whined to Yixing, plopping down on Yixing’s bed. It was Sunday afternoon and Minseok was going to meet his old school friend in an hour.
“Let them go Luhan. It isn’t a date.” Yixing was busy at his computer, composing a new track. He was gifted at arranging and often spent all of his free time doing just that. More times than not, Luhan would wander into his room for a few minutes and shoot the shit, more often than not Luhan ended up talking about Minseok.
“I know…but.”
“But you are jealous.” Yixing had surmised the situation well, “Weren’t you the one trying to make him jealous with that fake trainee girlfriend story?”
“It didn’t work.” Luhan bit his bottom lip, trying to erase the day he dragged Minseok to dinner, to a date under false pretenses, only to hear Minseok say he loved him like a friend. Only like a friend.
“Well, you didn’t exactly confess to him, did you?” Yixing pushed a few keys before dropping his headphones “Dang, I just can’t figure it out.”
“I basically confessed to him. I mean, I asked if he loved me.” Luhan picked up one of the plushies on Yixing’s bed, tossing it in the air and catching it mindlessly.
“But he doesn’t know how you feel, not really.” Yixing clicked from his composing software to his fan portal. He was the only other trainee with an active fan page, the other being Chanyeol. Yixing had gained a fan gathering back in China when he was often on television as a young man, on variety and singing programs. Chanyeol on the other hand had been singled out for being one the best looking trainees at SM. The fans waiting in front of the company building for the guys from Shinee, Super Junior, and TVXQ taking note and starting a small fan site for him.
“But I know how he feels. He just sees me as a friend.” Luhan felt miserable. “What if I go with him, to meet her?”
“Uninvited? No.” Yixing scrolled through the latest comments on the site, typing a few replies.
“He won’t say no if I ask.” Luhan was sure of it.
“Do what you want.”
Luhan decided their conversation was over, Yixing had given him his blessing.
That is how, an hour and a half later he was seated in a café, trying not to glare at a very pretty, very personable, very funny young woman.
“And that time you overslept and ran into class holding a toaster!” Hye Jin laughed, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her left ear. She was cute, Luhan thought, too cute. She had short black hair, a wide smile, big eyes, and a small nose. Luhan didn’t like her.
He sat next to Minseok, Hye Jin across from them. She had ordered juice, apparently she couldn’t handle too much caffeine. Another mark against her Luhan decided.
“That is sooo funny!” Luhan slapped his knee a minute too late, laughing loudly in a clear overreaction given the only slightly humorous turn of the story Hye Jin had just told.
“Luhan, what is it like in Beijing? I have never been there.” Hye Jin sipped her juice, turning her attention to the man she had just met.
“Smoggy. Full of people. You know, kind of like Seoul” Luhan tried to act charming.
“What do your parents do?” Hye Jin asked, clearly curious about Luhan. It made him slightly uncomfortable, but he knew this type of feeling and exactly how to get over it. Lie.
“They are in business.” Luhan answered briskly “Mergers acquisitions, the lighting business, shipping, aeronautics, hot air balloons, pet rescue, cruise ships, organic farming you name it.”
Hye Jin’s mouth made a perfect O “You must be loaded. And here you are, sitting with two poor kids.”
Luhan didn’t miss the way Minseok tensed, the way he stopped smiling.
“Um, not really.” Luhan grabbed a cookie from the plate on the center of the table, a snack Hye Jin had ordered before they arrived “Just normal.”
“Really? Even with all of those businesses?”
“Yep” Luhan wanted to scowl at her for pressing on a topic that had clearly made Minseok uncomfortable “So, tell me more stories about little Baozi.”
“B..a…o..zi?” Hye Jin quirked an eyebrow.
“Hm. It is the same thing as Mandu but in Mandarin. Doesn’t he look like one?” Luhan smiled at Minseok, who squirmed in his chair.
“He does!” Hye Jin laughed.
“Hye Jin, You are not allowed to call me that.” Minseok shot Luhan a death glare.
“Am I the only one allowed to call you that?” Luhan played it like a joke, but he wanted the answer more than anything.
“Yes.” Minseok changed the subject, which was okay. Luhan needed to hear that. Wanted to hear that. Could hold onto that, no matter how foolish it was to do so.
***
It wasn’t unusual to see an email from his parents at least twice a week. Well- his parents secretary at least. It was pretty much a form email, asking if he had eaten, if he was sleeping, if he needed money. It was short, it was formal, it was lacking in warmth. It had been that way since he had left China, left with some confusing words about not wanting to work at the family business, not wanting to be lonely for the rest of his life.
Luhan typed out his usual reply - I am eating, sleeping, I don’t need money.
Short, sweet, to the point. He clicked send just as Minseok walked into the room, returning from a shower.
Luhan gulped. Minseok was wearing nothing but a towel, hung loosely on his waist “I forgot my shorts. Don’t mind me.”
Luhan didn’t want to mind him, but he couldn’t look away. He breathed a sigh of relief when Minseok found his shorts and left, returning to the bathroom.
Luhan went back to his email but his mind was blank. It was like that a lot, being near Minseok. Sleeping next to Minseok, hugging him, being close to him. But he couldn’t help it, touching Minseok. Even when it became like torture, to be so near something he could never have the way he wanted to, he couldn’t stop.
***
They trained until almost four the next morning, perfecting their latest routine for the monthly team evaluation. Minseok kept falling behind, kept missing steps.
“What’s wrong?” Luhan was happy for a break, only their second since they had started practicing at two o’clock in the afternoon.
“I don’t feel well.” Minseok looked tired, exhausted.
Luhan hadn’t been ignorant to the events of their monthly physical. SM required the trainees to see the company’s doctor once a month for a full evaluation, a way for the company to ensure the trainees were taking care of themselves. The evaluation included a weigh in, often with very blunt orders for the trainees to lose weight if they were tipping the scales above where the doctors thought they should be.
“Did you eat?” Luhan rubbed Minseok’s arms, worried. It wouldn’t be the first month Minseok was instructed to lose weight.
“Yeah. I had salad earlier.”
“We have been practicing for almost twelve hour, you need to eat more than a salad.” Luhan walked to his backpack, taking out an energy bar he thrust it at Minseok “Who cares what they say, you need to eat.”
Minseok grabbed the energy bar, opening it and taking a bite in a hurry.
Luhan grabbed a few more bars from his backpack, handing them to Minseok “Eat all of them. Seriously.” Luhan hated how they told Minseok to lose weight, he thought he was perfect the way he was.
“I will.” Minseok knew that he should have eaten more, it was just hard when he knew his weight could be the determining factor when it came to his debut.
At four in the morning, however, everything changed.
***
“Hyungnim!” Junmyeon assembled the team for a bow as the most senior manager of the trainees, a man who rarely made a personal appearance in the practice room outside of monthly evaluations, walked in. It was a quarter to five, the team had been resting, discussing their mistakes and how to fix them.
“Sit, sit.” The manager pulled up a metal folding chair that was leaning against the far end of the practice room- disused for the most part given the trainees habit of sitting on the floor after and between practices.
The team sat down, looking expectantly at the man. Lee Seunghwan was handsome, thin and tall. Rumor had it he was a trainee once too, but failed out of the system. Since then he had been working his way through the SM management system until he was in a place to take charge of the next act to debut. He was often the first manager in the building and always the last to leave.
“I have something important to tell you, and really I should wait until later today to do it but I won’t.”
Everyone was tense, expectant. Luhan heard Jongdae whisper something to Junmyeon about if this was when they were all fired.
“The company has plans to debut you guys- as 12.”
A collective sigh seemed to be heard all around with the confirmation they all had a spot in the group. The manager continued “You are going to be called to the main office to review the contracts, probably tomorrow or the next day. I have three things I need to say and three things you guys seriously need to think about.”
When no one said a word, asked a question, or started celebrating prematurely, he continued “First, this contract is going to change everything about your life. You will become part of something that is a team effort, a public team effort. You will be required to work hard, work long hours, and dedicate yourselves to a venture that may not result in instant success. You won’t have time for friends or girlfriends or boyfriends of whatever you guys do in your free time.”
Sehun giggled at the comment, Junmyeon nudging him to be quiet.
“You won’t have a private life anymore. Not even family visits, not often any way. Do you understand?”
Mumbled agreements were heard, everyone still in shock from learning they would finally debut.
“Secondly, this stuff can get ugly, fast. People will look to you as a role model. Love can be replaced by hatred in a split second. And the pay is dependent on that love. If people hate you they won’t your albums. If they don’t buy your albums you don’t get paid. You might make shit for a few months or a few years or until you are disbanded. You may make nothing at all.”
The manager continued “Third- they are planning on debuting half of you in China and half of you in Korea, with the two teams coming together only a few times a year. That means you are two teams, not one. And I can’t guarantee which of you Korean guys are going to be going to China.”
The last piece of news was sobering, for eight of them, maybe for all twelve of them. While such an arrangement was not a secret it had never been confirmed. They had taken to pretending it was a rumor, that it probably was just something that the trainees had made up. They had no idea it was what the company had actually intended to go through with.
“If all of that is fine with you, good. Sign that contract- let you parents read it first. You read it first. Front to back, even the small print.” The manager stood, the trainees instantly standing as well.
“I said sit, sit. You guys have been working too hard.” The manager shooed them back to a sitting position “I just want you guys to know what you are getting into, okay. I can’t make the choice for you, but you obviously know I want you to debut.”
It was a blur, the minutes after. Luhan would never forget it though- how Chanyeol whooped and yelled and picked Junmyeon up into a bear hug and spun him around. Jongin was in tears as he tried to retreat to a back corner, only to be grabbed by Sehun and Tao who were also crying.
Kris tried to act cool but it was clear the news had affected him as well, he held his hand to his eyes, claiming he was just tired. Jongdae and Baekhyun looked relieved, while Kyungsoo was smiling devilishly while texting on his phone. Yixing made rounds patting everyone’s butts in celebration, a habit that they had all gotten used to.
Luhan faced his best friend, smiling “We did it Baozi.”
“Yeah.” Minseok was blushing, his pale cheeks turning that slight shade of pink that Luhan found so adorable.
Luhan pulled him into his arms, hugging him tightly against him. He felt his friend breath in and out, felt him melt into the hug. “You have to go to China with me.”
“I will.” Minseok answered in Mandarin, showing off what he had learned after years taking mandatory language classes at SM Entertainment.
“What if they don’t let you?” Luhan broke the hug, holding Minseok at arm’s length. He suddenly imagined debuting in China, Minseok in Korea. He imagined no longer sleeping with Minseok’s smaller body pressed closely to his own. He suddenly imagined waking up without a sleeping Korean boy snuggled up to him. He wanted to scream.
“I don’t know, I guess then that’s that.” Minseok didn’t look particularly upset about the thought. Luhan wanted to cry. But he didn’t. He put on a smile, masking his emotions, using the same tactics he had learned over year and years of pretending things didn’t bother him.
It was only that morning as they laid down for a few hours of sleep that Luhan felt a tear slip down his cheek, a wayward tear that wouldn’t be the last, not if he had to let the sleeping man in his arms go.
NEXT CHAPTER >>>>