Parthenogenesis | 732 words | PG-13 | HP/SS, Dobby
Notes: Oh dear. Yeah, I wrote Snarry, but the twist is that this is house elf crack meta. I know, I know. Bad Loki. Stale cookies. ;)
Dobby screamed in mortal terror and launched himself at Harry, climbing over his employer's shoulder and onto his back so that he could attack Severus directly, physically.
"Professor Snape is not to be hurting Mister Harry Potter!" the frantic house elf wailed, and his little fist connected solidly with Severus's right eye.
The mood was rather emphatically ruined. Severus fell off Harry with a thick squelching sound, and Harry swatted ineffectively at Dobby, who followed Severus to the floor.
"Dobby, get out of here! Severus wasn't hurting me! Leave him alone!"
Dobby scrambled away from Severus, who now sat on the bedside rug, rubbing his face and looking annoyed, but also amused. "You didn't tell your house elf you have a lover?"
Dobby was crestfallen. "Dobby has attacked a lover?"
Severus sighed. "You are now aware. Please remove yourself, and no punishment will be necessary."
Harry could only watch dumbly as his paid house elf vanished, and his partner climbed back onto the bed.
"I'm really missing something again, aren't I?" He pulled the blanket up and settled it over Severus, then peered at his face. "He really got you. What was that all about? Dobby knows we're together, do you think someone's hexed him?" Harry cast a quick charm to prevent bruising, and pushed Severus forward so he could check his shoulder and hip, as he'd landed quite hard.
"Your house elf, Potter, wouldn't have panicked if you'd told him we were lovers, specifically. As far as he was concerned, we were little more than close companions. Have you never done any research bearing on the world in which you live?"
Harry flushed to the roots of his hair, and Severus forgave him, but didn't tell him so. Harry responded so well to a bit of emotional blackmail.
"Dumbledore told me they're practically made of magic, and very loyal... he's older than I am, why didn't he recognise sex when he saw it?"
Severus couldn't help himself: he snorted. "House elves don't understand sex, Potter. He saw me on top of you and assumed I was attacking you, and being loyal, he tried to help."
Letting Severus steal both pillows to lean on, Harry tried to puzzle out what that meant. "How can they not understand sex? It's... sex. Pretty basic, really."
"House elves don't reproduce sexually, Potter. The appearance of being gendered is a convention they've adopted mostly to make their masters more comfortable."
Harry pondered. "How do they reproduce, then? I know they do, Kreacher told me he wanted to be on the wall in 12 Grimmauld Place like his mother, so it's not as if they're... limited edition or anything." With Harry thus distracted, Severus was happy to admire the man's permanent bedhead, and imagine tiny clouds of oily smoke pouring from his ears.
"Parthenogenesis, of a sort."
"Virgin birth?"
"Your grasp of trivia never ceases to amaze me. You know what parthenogenesis is, but you thought caviar was vegetation!"
Harry sighed, and rolled his eyes. "In my defence, it looked like poppyseeds. Wet, icky, salty poppyseeds, as it happens. And I do read. I just don't remember every single thing for the rest of my life, unlike some people."
"Granger does have my admiration," Severus allowed, "for her ability to analyse and apply what she finds in her endless stream of books. If not for her choice of husbands."
"Oh, shut up. Percy's all right. He did do a good job of being a prat, but that seems a prerequisite if you're to be a spy," Harry snorted pointedly. "Now, tell me about this house elf virgin birth stuff."
"Could you possibly be a bit more vague?"
"Fine, fine. I don't think I've ever seen a pregnant house elf. Do they go into seclusion or something?"
"You've seen plenty of pregnant house elves. At Hogwarts, they bred constantly. Do you recall any house elves with a large lump on their head? Just above the brow?"
Harry shuddered. "Oh Merlin, you aren't going to tell me they grow clones and they pop out of their foreheads, are you?"
Severus nodded, pleased. "Exactly."
"Like Athena, after Zeus swallowed Metis? You're joking!" Harry thought that was one of the most disturbing things he'd ever heard.
Severus rolled his eyes. "Of course. Trust you to know the tale, but not what inspired it. Muggles had to get the idea from somewhere."
Dobby screamed in mortal terror and launched himself at Harry, climbing over his employer's shoulder and onto his back so that he could attack Severus directly, physically.
"Professor Snape is not to be hurting Mister Harry Potter!" the frantic house elf wailed, and his little fist connected solidly with Severus's right eye.
The mood was rather emphatically ruined. Severus fell off Harry with a thick squelching sound, and Harry swatted ineffectively at Dobby, who followed Severus to the floor.
"Dobby, get out of here! Severus wasn't hurting me! Leave him alone!"
Dobby scrambled away from Severus, who now sat on the bedside rug, rubbing his face and looking annoyed, but also amused. "You didn't tell your house elf you have a lover?"
Dobby was crestfallen. "Dobby has attacked a lover?"
Severus sighed. "You are now aware. Please remove yourself, and no punishment will be necessary."
Harry could only watch dumbly as his paid house elf vanished, and his partner climbed back onto the bed.
"I'm really missing something again, aren't I?" He pulled the blanket up and settled it over Severus, then peered at his face. "He really got you. What was that all about? Dobby knows we're together, do you think someone's hexed him?" Harry cast a quick charm to prevent bruising, and pushed Severus forward so he could check his shoulder and hip, as he'd landed quite hard.
"Your house elf, Potter, wouldn't have panicked if you'd told him we were lovers, specifically. As far as he was concerned, we were little more than close companions. Have you never done any research bearing on the world in which you live?"
Harry flushed to the roots of his hair, and Severus forgave him, but didn't tell him so. Harry responded so well to a bit of emotional blackmail.
"Dumbledore told me they're practically made of magic, and very loyal... he's older than I am, why didn't he recognise sex when he saw it?"
Severus couldn't help himself: he snorted. "House elves don't understand sex, Potter. He saw me on top of you and assumed I was attacking you, and being loyal, he tried to help."
Letting Severus steal both pillows to lean on, Harry tried to puzzle out what that meant. "How can they not understand sex? It's... sex. Pretty basic, really."
"House elves don't reproduce sexually, Potter. The appearance of being gendered is a convention they've adopted mostly to make their masters more comfortable."
Harry pondered. "How do they reproduce, then? I know they do, Kreacher told me he wanted to be on the wall in 12 Grimmauld Place like his mother, so it's not as if they're... limited edition or anything." With Harry thus distracted, Severus was happy to admire the man's permanent bedhead, and imagine tiny clouds of oily smoke pouring from his ears.
"Parthenogenesis, of a sort."
"Virgin birth?"
"Your grasp of trivia never ceases to amaze me. You know what parthenogenesis is, but you thought caviar was vegetation!"
Harry sighed, and rolled his eyes. "In my defence, it looked like poppyseeds. Wet, icky, salty poppyseeds, as it happens. And I do read. I just don't remember every single thing for the rest of my life, unlike some people."
"Granger does have my admiration," Severus allowed, "for her ability to analyse and apply what she finds in her endless stream of books. If not for her choice of husbands."
"Oh, shut up. Percy's all right. He did do a good job of being a prat, but that seems a prerequisite if you're to be a spy," Harry snorted pointedly. "Now, tell me about this house elf virgin birth stuff."
"Could you possibly be a bit more vague?"
"Fine, fine. I don't think I've ever seen a pregnant house elf. Do they go into seclusion or something?"
"You've seen plenty of pregnant house elves. At Hogwarts, they bred constantly. Do you recall any house elves with a large lump on their head? Just above the brow?"
Harry shuddered. "Oh Merlin, you aren't going to tell me they grow clones and they pop out of their foreheads, are you?"
Severus nodded, pleased. "Exactly."
"Like Athena, after Zeus swallowed Metis? You're joking!" Harry thought that was one of the most disturbing things he'd ever heard.
Severus rolled his eyes. "Of course. Trust you to know the tale, but not what inspired it. Muggles had to get the idea from somewhere."