Well, my father didn't specifically abandon me, but he was largely unavailable due to his inability to come out. But then, my mother wasn't able to be a present parent either, so who's to say? These things do carry over in our attempts at forming healthy adult relationships... how could they not? And yeah, having not been in a place that would have allowed for a relationship, I totally get where you're coming from on the testing/pulling back/fear of abandonment. Seriously, three cheers for therapy!
Indeed. You haven't met Jeremy but he is seriously so good for me and it's like I am finally seeing the progress I've made (actually I have been seeing if for almost two years now but it's finally seeming to benefit me).
I don't think it has to be outright abandonment to leave scars, any sort of withdrawing can have the negative effect.
I do that shit, but I don't think it's because of my dad. According my many therapists it's do to my molestation. So...yeah. I don't know why I do it. I seem to suffer from wanting to be saved and jumping into bad relationships because I don't think I deserve better. Could blame my dad, but I love my dad. He was gone and din't take me to live with him where I would have had a really cool life in NYC, but somehow I am not mad. i was for like a month.
I lived with my father after the divorce (long story short: dad was crazy, mom couldn't handle that, found someone else and left us), so I wouldn't say he abandoned me. However, he was totally untrustworthy, which was in large part responsible for the divorce. He'd say he would come pick me up from someplace and then not show, leaving me sitting there for hours. Or he'd hide that he hadn't been paying the rent until I came home and found a lock-box on the front door. I never knew from day to day what it was going to be, and it was extremely stressful to live with him. In his defense, he seems to have really gotten it together over the last year -- better late than never, I say.
Being untrustworthy pretty much warrants just as many issues as outright abandonment. In some ways it is worse because there isn't a clean break but rather false promises and constant disappointment.
He'd say he would come pick me up from someplace and then not show, leaving me sitting there for hours.
One of the biggest fights my parents had during the divorce period was over an incident like this with me (mind you I was 18 at the time but he left me waiting for hours with no other way of getting home and no indication of where he was or when he'd be back, over an hour away from home).
That was followed by a lot of far more screwed up stuff. Recently he's been being nicer, but the trust is still completely broken and I cannot rely on him to do what he says or help me when I am in need. We don't have a father/daughter relationship. It's more like a favored uncle or something.
My parents aren't divorced, but I spent a long time thinking they would get divorced. My dad was never really emotionally unavailable, though, but he was super busy. Also, he belongs to an Evil Club. :P
I guess I have nothing pertinent to say except that sometimes M reminds me eerily of my father.
Despite having a rather happy family life, though, I do worry quite a bit about M hurting me. So I think it's not necessarily something predestined by one's history, but maybe it can be made worse?
Oh I definitely don't think it is predestined, but we are sort of hotwired by how our parents are and were towards us and each other while growing up. If there were concerns about your parents splitting up while you were growing up that would probably make sense as a cause for your not trusting in the stability of relationships.
Also we all pick men who are like our fathers in one way or another. Which is sort of creepy really.
Comments 31
These things do carry over in our attempts at forming healthy adult relationships... how could they not? And yeah, having not been in a place that would have allowed for a relationship, I totally get where you're coming from on the testing/pulling back/fear of abandonment.
Seriously, three cheers for therapy!
Reply
I don't think it has to be outright abandonment to leave scars, any sort of withdrawing can have the negative effect.
Reply
Reply
Also you do deserve better. So much better.
ps. Not to psychoanalyze... but is it possible that you are not mad because you do not think you deserve to have had that life in NYC?
Reply
Reply
He'd say he would come pick me up from someplace and then not show, leaving me sitting there for hours.
One of the biggest fights my parents had during the divorce period was over an incident like this with me (mind you I was 18 at the time but he left me waiting for hours with no other way of getting home and no indication of where he was or when he'd be back, over an hour away from home).
That was followed by a lot of far more screwed up stuff. Recently he's been being nicer, but the trust is still completely broken and I cannot rely on him to do what he says or help me when I am in need. We don't have a father/daughter relationship. It's more like a favored uncle or something.
Reply
I guess I have nothing pertinent to say except that sometimes M reminds me eerily of my father.
Despite having a rather happy family life, though, I do worry quite a bit about M hurting me. So I think it's not necessarily something predestined by one's history, but maybe it can be made worse?
Reply
Also we all pick men who are like our fathers in one way or another. Which is sort of creepy really.
Reply
Leave a comment