Writing: Paragraphs

[loaded_march]

Today was apparently the National Day in Honour of Preserving Brain Cells, and I didn't get the memo or something, because I felt like disappearing into the lab to invent some Idiot Repellent, but instead compromised by writing data extraction code to make it Idiot Proof.  So far, so good!

This post comes to you by way of the letters M, 9, and #,

Comments

[waywardson_lvr]

Wow - so many things I have never even thought of! But it's amazing how as a reader, you can recognise writing that flows better and feels more directional without having a clue about the mechanics behind it.
Fantastic - I love these.

[loaded_march]

I'm sure there are many more things that I didn't think of, too. I am hardly an expert, but since writing the about-writing posts, I've been thinking more about how I write and why, and, hey, bonus, I figure out how to make things work better, too!

[linnet_melody]

Oh, that's just beautiful. I love how you've taken it and sharpened the focus, and drawn the reader in more. Also, if you're serious about giving something a go-over for tweaking, I'm happy to subject myself to the knife!

The following snippet is the beginning of a story I put up, but ... for some reason, it's jarring. I know what I *wanted* to say, but I don't think I actually, you know, said it. Have at, m'dear! (Seriously, go nuts. I'm quite happy with constructive criticism.)

***

There were tasseled pasties hanging from the light fixtures.

Ray could honestly say that, by this point in his evening, the thought really didn’t shock him. He spared one brief thought as to how in the world someone had gotten them to stay, but the light fixtures weren’t as interesting to view as what the pasties were designed to be attached to. He focused again on the hulking bouncer in front of him

[loaded_march]

I'm absolutely serious -- And you're a brave person to go first!

I will probably start on yours next week, after I survive the 12-hour shifts of the stupid I'm pulling this week.

[loaded_march]

Err... I guess I got to this sooner than I thought! :D I posted it today.

[linnet_melody]

YAY! *is weirdly happy and nervous at the same time*

*goes to see*

[mabonwitch]

Interesting to see which problems from the original snippet I would have spotted, and which I didn't notice, or couldn't articulate. BTW, I know you posted those lovely bits on dialogue recently. Do you happen to have any writing exercises you would recommend for improving one's use of dialogue

[loaded_march]

Ohhh, exercises... I will look for some, or think up some. Maybe I will post short dialogue prompts that I could comment on for everyone? Do you think that would work?

[mabonwitch]

There's one idea. I'm more poking around, looking for things I can do independently of others to improve my writing.

[loaded_march]

And finally posted! Sorry that it took so long!

[bookscrazygirl]

Oh, I see you finally did it ^_^. And yes, you put to words problems I had with other stories that I couldn't vocalize. Seriously, you could write a book on how to write a story. The change in focus is an amazing technique and I can see how it applies.

This is an old paragraph that I edited but I'm sure you'll find more flaws in it (and a familiar first line):

D'hul was bored. He'd first wings had grown, giving him leaway to wander out of his pen and into the nursery. Unfortunately, trying to visit the other hatchlings only earned him a sore nose as, apparently, they were too young to do more than sleep or eat their views. This left him playing alone in his growing pebble pile, or adding to it from the fruits of his daily walks outside the castle. Still, it was a lonely time and when he complained that there was another named dragon, why couldn't he play with her, his only reply was that her first wings had yet to grow, so she needed to sleep and conserve her energy

[loaded_march]

I finally did it! :D And you were wrong, not that many people took me up on my offer :D

I recognize D'hul!

[loaded_march]

And finally got to get to this one today!

http://loaded-march.livejournal.com/30455.html

[velithya]

This was really interesting! The difference between the initial scene and the reworded scene is really apparent; different emphasis and really different tone.

Thank you for sharing!

[loaded_march]

Ultimately it all depends on how you want to tell the story. I wanted it a bit darker but I don't think I quite got there -- so that means more ripping up to do!

But that's ok. It's just part of the process.