Wreck and Rebuild a Paragraph #4
I've been lax at catching up with some things -- Loaded March Extras (for which I have so many prompts that I am itchy with want to write them), another worldbuilding post, and the last two Wreck and Rebuilds.
Since I'm quickly catching up on my current Fic To Do list, I am going to get to this W&R today, and the next one very soon. I apologize for the long delay; I had originally meant to do one a week, but time (life, etc) obviously got away from me.
The usual Wreck and Rebuild disclaimers apply:
My comments are not personal, any rewrites are less so, and my only intent is to show a different approach as suggestions. There is no obligation to take them, no hurt feelings on my part if you don't, and everything is up for discussion. I have only a short snippet to work with so I don't have the complete picture, and will be making assumptions as I go along.
Our victim -- er, ah. I mean, our next brave volunteer is sordidcrayons. The Wreck and Rebuild paragraph that was offered up is from an original story.
Original fiction is very different from critiquing fanfiction because I don't know anything about the story. I have to make assumptions for the storyline, the plot points, even the character -- and when I make these sorts of assumptions, my crits won't be of much use. With fanfiction, regardless of the genre -- canon, AU -- there is usually enough in a single opening paragraph to pick up tone, scene, setting, and story. In original fiction, all bets are off.
Personally, regardless of the fiction that I crit, I prefer to read the whole thing so that I have a good grasp of the story, the characters, the setting, the tone, and the plot. That way I can make sure that I look for everything -- spelling and grammar (AKA SPaG), line editing (shaping and tightening sentence structures), continuity (character, plot and story), and fact-checking -- when I do a second pass-through. Sometimes I will do a third and a fourth pass. And a fifth and a sixth. And so on.
With sordidcrayons's contribution, I have 201 words of original fic to crit. I don't have the full story, I don't know the characters, and I don't know the plot. I'm going to have to glean as much as I can out of those 201 words.
On to the fic!
She wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world, but she was a princess, and that counted for a lot. Besides, low light flatters everyone.
It was in the darkness of the undergraduate bar where she was confronted by the head of security for the royal family. Her own detail was mingling quietly in the background, unnoticed. David’s expression was grim, and his suit was still wrinkled from the 12 hour plane ride required to fly here from her home country.
“It was their flight,” he stated, without preamble, “it went down. No survivors. You’re to be crowned within the year… Your Majesty.”
Surprisingly, her world changed very little over the next two months. She quietly finished her degree and got on a jet, still in her robe and hat. Her friends had been too busy running between relatives and classmates for her to say a proper goodbye. She supposed it was best. The news of her parents’ death hadn’t quite sunk in yet, and tearful farewells might have triggered the suppressed chaos of emotions rolling deep in her belly.
Perhaps if she had been convinced the crash had been an accident everything would have been a bit easier to accept.
sordidcrayons did a self-analysis, and these were the things that were pointed out:
- I find it really choppy.
- The first line sets the mood decently, but doesn't really have anything to do with the story except establishing she's a princess.
- The last sentence delivers the suspense but I'm not satisfied with the final prose.
Here's what I've gleaned from 201 words:
CHARACTERS:
There are two characters involved: the princess and a man named David. I am assuming that since the head of security has a name, he is important and will be a recurring, if not one of the foremost secondary characters in the story.
The princess doesn't think much of her own appearance and may have self-esteem issues. However, she's trustworthy enough that her parents are willing to send her to another country to complete her studies. Confusingly, we don't know why she is in another country to complete her studies. She's also suffering shell-shock -- her parents dying was obviously not on her agenda, and neither was becoming the ruling body of her country. She has no close attachments to the friends she made in university.
David is the head of security for the royal family. He obviously cares for the princess because he left his position to tell her about her parents' deaths himself rather than to leave the task to someone else. He's a straightforward, no-bullshit sort who obviously keeps the princess updated even from his post 12 hours away, or the princess wouldn't have her suspicions about the cause behind the plane crash.
FINE DETAILS:
- The princess is attending school (most likely university) in another country, and since it's a 12 hour plane ride, that means it's halfway across the world from her homeland.
- She is about to graduate.
- The princess' parents have killed in a (potentially suspicious) plane crash.
And here's my assessment:
I wouldn't say that it's choppy. I'd say that it's sparse. Each sentence is a tiny vignette to the full story. There's more going on there that we know about.
The second sentence ("Low light flatters everyone") is the first line. That's the story's hook. It raises a question about the character who says that, who it's said about, and, when it's followed up by the realization that the princess is talking about herself, we can either see a princess with self-esteem issues, or a princess who is sharp and acerbic and has self-deprecating humour. Either way, if the princess is interesting enough, we'll keep reading.
The last sentence is your catalyst -- the one that tells the reader what the story (or at least the major theme) is going to be about.
Going over the original comment that was left, sordidcrayons said that this was a scene for a plot for an original fic that needed to be put down on paper in order to concentrate on midterms. That means it's a WIP with no outline and no real idea of its length.
If it's meant to be a long story -- and we all know my default operating system has a faulty knob that is permanently rusted to the LONG STORY setting, and nothing short of an acetylene torch and possibly a cutter will move it -- then the game changes, and this is where I say, "Don't be afraid to write a lot". In 201 words, I'm seeing potential for several different, delicious scenes to pull the reader in, make them comfortable, and that build up to the catalyst and reel the reader in.
Here's what I'm seeing:
She wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world, but she was a princess, and that counted for a lot. Besides, low light flatters everyone.
It was in the darkness of the undergraduate bar where she was confronted by the head of security for the royal family. Her own detail was mingling quietly in the background, unnoticed.
A princess in a bar. I WANT THIS SCENE. Who is she? Is she with friends? Is she alone? Is she trying to pull someone? Why does she think that she's not attractive? What's her security detail doing, mingling in the background? They're not supposed to mingle! They're supposed to protect her! Is she surprised that the head of security for the family is showing up? Is she thinking, "Oh, God. Old fuddlepuss is here to make sure I make my curfew"? Is she going to turn around and ignore him and shoot back some tequila? Is she going to ask her friends to sneak her out of the bar? Does she like David? Does she have a crush on him? Is he even supposed to be looking for her? Is it strange that he's here?
Incidentally, does it have to be an undergraduate bar for an university that's 12 hours away from home? It seems strange to me that a royal family would send their heiress to a different country, but then again I don't know if this is normal or not. Is it? If it is, I want to see why she's in a different country, why she's in an undergraduate bar, why, what, where, how. Maybe she's on vacation? Doing charity work? MAYBE SHE RAN AWAY!! Basically, this is where I say, gimme more! I want to know what's going on in the background!
David’s expression was grim, and his suit was still wrinkled from the 12 hour plane ride required to fly here from her home country.
“It was their flight,” he stated, without preamble, “it went down. No survivors. You’re to be crowned within the year… Your Majesty.”
This is another scene. If I let my imagination run away with me, David has forcibly escorted the wayward princess away from the bar until they're somewhere private where he can talk to her, preferably after avoiding reporters who are sniffing around for a story because this is Big News and they want a picture of the princess when she hears, because they could sell the photo for big bucks. Or maybe among those reporters there's someone making a beeline for the princess, just like they did with her parents. I want a nice long scene where -- let me have my indulgences here -- David is horribly and secretly in love with the princess, and it kills him to see the princess fall apart at the news and being unable to comfort her because he's stepping outside his boundaries.
And then -- what does the princess do? How does she react? What does David want her to do? What does the royal court want her to do? What is she expected to do?
Surprisingly, her world changed very little over the next two months. She quietly finished her degree and got on a jet, still in her robe and hat. Her friends had been too busy running between relatives and classmates for her to say a proper goodbye. She supposed it was best. The news of her parents’ death hadn’t quite sunk in yet, and tearful farewells might have triggered the suppressed chaos of emotions rolling deep in her belly.
I doubt that a foreign country would be a hospitable place for a heiress to a kingdom -- I think she would get immediately whisked away back to her home country without her degree (I'd assume that a more homegrown university would be happy to accept/transfer the credits so that she could finish up at home), where she would be safe. A head of security would not accept anything less, even if the princess threw a massive tantrum.
The two months should be filled with a lot of bustle (it'll be more realistic if it passes in a blur) She's going to have to take on her parents' jobs. She'll have appointments to keep, dignitaries to meet, other formal occasions to attend during which she can demonstrate how badly her social skills have eroded in a foreign country. This is where more people will be introduced -- those who are important to the story, to the princess/queen, the ones that she'll be right next to all the time. And, oh, David. I want to see her with David a lot.
Perhaps if she had been convinced the crash had been an accident everything would have been a bit easier to accept.
This should be a completely different scene. Maybe up until this point David has been absent because he's been investigating the plane crash. Maybe he sneaks into her quarters late at night and he lays the evidence out for her. It should hit her hard right then and there, triggering all the emotions she's been suppressing -- up until now it was an accident, completely random and senseless. But now there's MOTIVE. And not only does the princess/queen wonder who is responsible, so are the readers. By this point in the story, they've come to care about the princess/queen. They've invested in her. They want to know more.
If it's meant as a short story, I would recommend using this paragraph as a bare bones use as a worldbuilding ("this is the background") and starting with the very last sentence as your first sentence in some new incarnation. Short stories need one story, and in this situation, the story might be anything from returning home for the coronation, or pursuing the investigation for her parents' deaths. In short stories, a writer focuses on one thing.
The paragraph would have to be trimmed and rewritten to get the sum total of all the above scenes that I'd like to see in the story into 201 words. Here's what it would look like if I tweaked it for a short story version:
Low light flatters everyone.
The princess caught her reflection in the mirror and tucked a stubborn curl behind her ear. She crossed her legs over the too-short sundress that was meant to be too short in the first place and twisted around on the stool, facing away from her security detail. There was a cute local boy across the bar, and if she wasn't mistaken, he'd given her a look or two -- maybe not as much as he'd given that bombshell blonde with more breast tissue than brains, but she would take what fun she could get while she could get it. It had taken her ages to convince her parents to let her go on vacation halfway across the world, and she meant to enjoy this little bit of freedom.
From her new vantage point, she'd be able to see all of the evening's prospects as they entered the bar. There was that handsome brunet. The man with so much chest, if he took a deep breath, his shirt would tear open. The slick and suave businessman who was a bit too greasy for her tastes. And --
David.
The princess turned away with a groan. What was the head of security for the royal family even doing here? She ignored him as long as she could, but when he leaned across the bar and tapped the counter until it drove her mad, she rolled her eyes and said, "What do you want?"
"Princess. You need to come with me right now," David said, gesturing to the security team.
"I don't need to do anything. I'm on vacation --" She caught an odd look in David's eyes. He was wrinkled, his expression was grim, and he was agitated. David was never agitated. "What is it?"
"We'll discuss it on the plane," David said.
The princess dug in her heels. "Tell me now."
David hesitated. He took a deep breath and looked around the crowd before leaning in to look at her, a little too close for comfort. "I'm sorry. Your parents are dead."
What I did was take all of the elements from the original paragraph to turn it into something more active, more interactive. A story is always more appealing when something is going on. The only things I've changed was the university thing -- I am not sure, maybe someone can correct me; do royals attend university in another country? -- to something more believable, like going on vacation to get away from all the pressures of court, and I've removed the hint that the King and Queen's deaths was suspicious. What I'd do next is make sure that the plane crash was being kept out of the media for now, that there's urgency to get the princess to safety, and THEN have her learn (possibly by accident) that there's more danger and intrigue involved.
The paragraph I wrote is 348 words out of a 201 word outline with so many gorgeous possibilities. What I've written is only one example out of many, because there is so much that can be done with it. The original paragraph is full of GOOD THINGS, and I am very interested to see what direction that sordidcrayons will be taking the story in!