Crack!Fic: "The Plot of 'Justice'..." (1/1) (SV) (season 6 spoilers)
By now, I figure that most folks have a vague idea of what the upcoming SV episode "Justice" (to air in January) is all about, but if not it's meant to be the first "Justice League"-ish episode, with multiple heroes (Flash, Cyborg, Aquaman, as well as Green Arrow and Clark (of course)) from SV reuniting and starting to get organized into what could eventually be the Justice League. Batman and Wonder Woman will not be appearing, mostly because of the current run of movies (Joss Whedon is trying to do a WW movie, for those who don't know).
The very concept itself is crack!fic-inducing.
The Plot of the Smallville Episode “Justice” if Crack!Fic Writers and/or The Creative Forces Behind Smallville Actually Got Their Way
Clark tried to slip into the room unnoticed, but unfortunately for him, seventy-six inches of Kansas farmboy is difficult to conceal. Everyone’s eyes on him, he instead took the noble route and sat down in the first available seat.
“Okay,” Oliver Queen said, dressed in his latest version of his green leather outfit. “I think everyone’s here.” He took a deep breath. “Welcome, everyone, to the first meeting of Superheroes R Us. If you hate the name, don’t worry - we’ll be voting on that in the second half of the agenda. First things first, I thought we would go around and introduce ourselves. I’ve read that successful teamwork requires trust, and to trust each other we have to know each other. You follow?”
The vast majority of attendees nodded. Clark frowned.
“Anyway, I thought I’d go first. My name is Oliver Queen. I’m a multi-millionaire, CEO of Queen Industries. I should really be living in Star City, where my company is actually headquartered, but for some reason all the action is in Metropolis these days. As a superhero, I’m called Green Arrow; my current, superhot girlfriend came up with the name, though she doesn’t know that we’re the same guy. My basic MO is steal from the undeserving rich and return to the rightful owners. Technically, I don’t have any superpowers, but I’m really good with a bow and arrow, and I’m pretty buff. Also, the bleach job on my hair has been known to blind people. Permanently. Next?”
Clark recognized the next victim.
“Hey, y’all, I’m Victor Stone, but you can call me Cyborg. I’m a lean, mean, fightin’ machine...”
This went on for some time as each young superhero introduced himself. Clark recognized most of the faces and most of the names, though he’d really only gotten to know a few before now - Bart Allen was among the few that he knew personally and he gave his friend a little smile and a wave. The speedy young man returned the smile with a smirk and then mouthed “Flor-i-da”. Clark let his face go slack and emotionless. Trust Bart to bring that up.
Arthur Curry was one of the others that he decided was on the “I actually know them” list, but he decided that AC did not warrant a smile. A tiny voice in his head squeaked out that this had something to do with a certain girl with the initials LL, but he quickly smothered that voice. As he returned his attention to the group, AC mentioned something about giving up a “sure thing” with “this totally hot girl” to instead pursue his superhero career. Clark smirked, knowing that AC’s hot girl and Ollie’s “hot girlfriend” were one and the same -
A Very Bad Thought popped into his head. Maybe Lois has a thing for superheroes…
What if she comes after me next?
He pushed this thought aside. Nah. Even if I wore spandex and a cape like some of these guys, she’d never look my way. Thank god.
Most of the guys, Clark was glad to note, were not meteor mutants of the Smallvillean variety, and some did not have any special metahuman or superhuman abilities at all, like Oliver. A dark, laconic aristocrat named Bruce Wayne fit into that category and Clark took note of him: there was something different about Bruce, and it wasn’t just his ‘does not play well with others’ attitude.
After a good twenty or thirty minutes of these introductions, Clark realized that all the superheroes were boys. Well, ‘young men’, as his mom would say. Another voice in his head popped up to question this element of the situation and asked where all the girls were. Kryptonite was an equal-opportunity mutanogen, after all - what about all the other things that made guys turn into superheroes? You’d think that there would be superheroines, too.
The small-town, red-state, white-male-humanoid privileged part of him realized that the voice was a cross between Chloe and Lois and shrunk down into hiding.
Finally, it was Clark’s turn. “Um, hi. I think I know almost everyone here - probably saved you or helped you or something at some point, but just in case, my name is Clark Kent and I’m from Smallville, Kansas. Um, I’m super strong and super fast, I have superpowered vision and hearing, I can see through stuff and I have heat vision. I’m pretty much indestructible, except for when there’s Kryptonite around, so if you see this pretty green or red or black or silver meteor rock, um, it would be great if you kept it away from me. Um, I think that’s it.”
He paused and then added, suddenly remembering, “Oh, and I’m the last survivor of the planet Krypton, so if you run into a bad guy who says he’s looking for Kal-El or the son of Jor-El or the Last Son of Krypton or something like that, they’re probably talking about me, so go ahead and send them my way. My mom’s a politician now, so we can afford to repair the barn, and the house, and the Talon, and Lex’s mansion, and just about anything that they might want to destroy while trying to fight me.”
Silence.
Clark shrunk back down into his fold-up chair (difficult due to, again, that seventy-six inches) and tried to look as mild-mannered as possible.
“Right, then,” said Ollie, segueing in a well-coiffed manner into the next subject, “let’s move on-”
Suddenly, a bomb blast burst opened the door to the meeting room. Recognizing the ringleader of the trio of young supervillains, Clark tried to shrink down even further into his chair, with little success.
“Hello, everyone,” said Lex Luthor. “You weren’t thinking of starting up a club without inviting me, were you? It’s just as well, since I started up my own little group.” He stepped forward, followed by his two groupies. “Hello, Ollie, Bruce. You remember Jack and Eddie, don’t you?”
Oliver and Bruce swallowed nervously as they apparently recognized the two young men. “For those of you just joining us,” Lex said dramatically, “my associates are, of course, Jack Napier and Edward Nigma. We were all at Excelsior together, weren’t we - uck!”
Suddenly, Lex’s hands were at his throat, trying to tug at a gold-colored rope that had mysteriously appeared around his neck. Intrigued, Clark shifted in his seat to look around Lex’s squirming profile to see who - or what - had done this to him so unexpectedly.
It was a girl.
‘Huzzah!’ cried that voice that sounded like Chloe and Lois - and surprisingly like his mom, too.
She was tall - taller than Lois, who was pretty tall - and she had dark hair and an olive complexion. She wore a red and blue toga-like-thing and had golden bands on her forearms.
And a golden tiara in her long, flowing hair.
“Heeeeee-llo, Princess,” Ollie muttered under his breath. He was not alone in his remarks. Clark cursed his superhearing; he really didn’t want to know what Hal Jordan thought of the strange girl’s bosoms.
“I am Diana, heir to the throne of Themyscira,” said the beautiful stranger in an odd accent. “I have come to save the women of Patriarch’s World, but it seems I must first save the men who vow to save it themselves.” An expression of disgust accompanied this last bit.
Lex continued to struggle against the golden rope, his face turning purple. His companions had run off in the confusion. “Um,” said Ollie, “what are you going to do with him?”
Diana raised an eyebrow. “Are there no facilities for the detention of criminals in the World of Men?”
(“Somehow,” Hal commented to Bruce, “I don’t like the way she says that.”
Bruce simply grunted. Whether this was meant as agreement or disagreement was left up to the listener.)
“Not that I don’t doubt that Luthor had some pretty nasty ideas about doing stuff,” Victor said thoughtfully, “but has he actually committed a crime? Yet? By which of course I mean something he’s done today that we can prove?”
The young superheroes all looked at each other. The question took Clark by surprise. He’d given up on Lex, but Victor’s question had merit.
Finally, Bruce spoke: “Attempted demolition without a county- or city-issued permit. In New Troy, this carries a fine of up to $100,000 plus damages and as much as a year in jail.”
“Dude,” said Victor in awe, “how do you know this stuff?”
Bruce gave him a withering glare. “I read.”
“All right, then,” Ollie finally said, turning back to Diana. “I guess you can take him to the police. The nearest police station is two blocks away. Tell them the Green Arrow sent you.”
Diana pursed her lips. “Very well,” she said. “I shall return shortly, without the company of this dangerous, smooth-headed one. I will have questions for you, Heroes of Patriarch’s World. And then I will need assistance in the designing of a new uniform,” she added, flicking her skirt. “Something that I can run more easily in.”
“Oh, I’m sure we’ll think of something,” Bart said with a lascivious grin.
The Amazon glared at him -
And suddenly she and Lex were gone.
The superheroes looked at each other. Bart spoke up: “Everyone in favor of letting that Diana chick join up?”
The vote was unanimous.
[END]
The very concept itself is crack!fic-inducing.
The Plot of the Smallville Episode “Justice” if Crack!Fic Writers and/or The Creative Forces Behind Smallville Actually Got Their Way
Clark tried to slip into the room unnoticed, but unfortunately for him, seventy-six inches of Kansas farmboy is difficult to conceal. Everyone’s eyes on him, he instead took the noble route and sat down in the first available seat.
“Okay,” Oliver Queen said, dressed in his latest version of his green leather outfit. “I think everyone’s here.” He took a deep breath. “Welcome, everyone, to the first meeting of Superheroes R Us. If you hate the name, don’t worry - we’ll be voting on that in the second half of the agenda. First things first, I thought we would go around and introduce ourselves. I’ve read that successful teamwork requires trust, and to trust each other we have to know each other. You follow?”
The vast majority of attendees nodded. Clark frowned.
“Anyway, I thought I’d go first. My name is Oliver Queen. I’m a multi-millionaire, CEO of Queen Industries. I should really be living in Star City, where my company is actually headquartered, but for some reason all the action is in Metropolis these days. As a superhero, I’m called Green Arrow; my current, superhot girlfriend came up with the name, though she doesn’t know that we’re the same guy. My basic MO is steal from the undeserving rich and return to the rightful owners. Technically, I don’t have any superpowers, but I’m really good with a bow and arrow, and I’m pretty buff. Also, the bleach job on my hair has been known to blind people. Permanently. Next?”
Clark recognized the next victim.
“Hey, y’all, I’m Victor Stone, but you can call me Cyborg. I’m a lean, mean, fightin’ machine...”
This went on for some time as each young superhero introduced himself. Clark recognized most of the faces and most of the names, though he’d really only gotten to know a few before now - Bart Allen was among the few that he knew personally and he gave his friend a little smile and a wave. The speedy young man returned the smile with a smirk and then mouthed “Flor-i-da”. Clark let his face go slack and emotionless. Trust Bart to bring that up.
Arthur Curry was one of the others that he decided was on the “I actually know them” list, but he decided that AC did not warrant a smile. A tiny voice in his head squeaked out that this had something to do with a certain girl with the initials LL, but he quickly smothered that voice. As he returned his attention to the group, AC mentioned something about giving up a “sure thing” with “this totally hot girl” to instead pursue his superhero career. Clark smirked, knowing that AC’s hot girl and Ollie’s “hot girlfriend” were one and the same -
A Very Bad Thought popped into his head. Maybe Lois has a thing for superheroes…
What if she comes after me next?
He pushed this thought aside. Nah. Even if I wore spandex and a cape like some of these guys, she’d never look my way. Thank god.
Most of the guys, Clark was glad to note, were not meteor mutants of the Smallvillean variety, and some did not have any special metahuman or superhuman abilities at all, like Oliver. A dark, laconic aristocrat named Bruce Wayne fit into that category and Clark took note of him: there was something different about Bruce, and it wasn’t just his ‘does not play well with others’ attitude.
After a good twenty or thirty minutes of these introductions, Clark realized that all the superheroes were boys. Well, ‘young men’, as his mom would say. Another voice in his head popped up to question this element of the situation and asked where all the girls were. Kryptonite was an equal-opportunity mutanogen, after all - what about all the other things that made guys turn into superheroes? You’d think that there would be superheroines, too.
The small-town, red-state, white-male-humanoid privileged part of him realized that the voice was a cross between Chloe and Lois and shrunk down into hiding.
Finally, it was Clark’s turn. “Um, hi. I think I know almost everyone here - probably saved you or helped you or something at some point, but just in case, my name is Clark Kent and I’m from Smallville, Kansas. Um, I’m super strong and super fast, I have superpowered vision and hearing, I can see through stuff and I have heat vision. I’m pretty much indestructible, except for when there’s Kryptonite around, so if you see this pretty green or red or black or silver meteor rock, um, it would be great if you kept it away from me. Um, I think that’s it.”
He paused and then added, suddenly remembering, “Oh, and I’m the last survivor of the planet Krypton, so if you run into a bad guy who says he’s looking for Kal-El or the son of Jor-El or the Last Son of Krypton or something like that, they’re probably talking about me, so go ahead and send them my way. My mom’s a politician now, so we can afford to repair the barn, and the house, and the Talon, and Lex’s mansion, and just about anything that they might want to destroy while trying to fight me.”
Silence.
Clark shrunk back down into his fold-up chair (difficult due to, again, that seventy-six inches) and tried to look as mild-mannered as possible.
“Right, then,” said Ollie, segueing in a well-coiffed manner into the next subject, “let’s move on-”
Suddenly, a bomb blast burst opened the door to the meeting room. Recognizing the ringleader of the trio of young supervillains, Clark tried to shrink down even further into his chair, with little success.
“Hello, everyone,” said Lex Luthor. “You weren’t thinking of starting up a club without inviting me, were you? It’s just as well, since I started up my own little group.” He stepped forward, followed by his two groupies. “Hello, Ollie, Bruce. You remember Jack and Eddie, don’t you?”
Oliver and Bruce swallowed nervously as they apparently recognized the two young men. “For those of you just joining us,” Lex said dramatically, “my associates are, of course, Jack Napier and Edward Nigma. We were all at Excelsior together, weren’t we - uck!”
Suddenly, Lex’s hands were at his throat, trying to tug at a gold-colored rope that had mysteriously appeared around his neck. Intrigued, Clark shifted in his seat to look around Lex’s squirming profile to see who - or what - had done this to him so unexpectedly.
It was a girl.
‘Huzzah!’ cried that voice that sounded like Chloe and Lois - and surprisingly like his mom, too.
She was tall - taller than Lois, who was pretty tall - and she had dark hair and an olive complexion. She wore a red and blue toga-like-thing and had golden bands on her forearms.
And a golden tiara in her long, flowing hair.
“Heeeeee-llo, Princess,” Ollie muttered under his breath. He was not alone in his remarks. Clark cursed his superhearing; he really didn’t want to know what Hal Jordan thought of the strange girl’s bosoms.
“I am Diana, heir to the throne of Themyscira,” said the beautiful stranger in an odd accent. “I have come to save the women of Patriarch’s World, but it seems I must first save the men who vow to save it themselves.” An expression of disgust accompanied this last bit.
Lex continued to struggle against the golden rope, his face turning purple. His companions had run off in the confusion. “Um,” said Ollie, “what are you going to do with him?”
Diana raised an eyebrow. “Are there no facilities for the detention of criminals in the World of Men?”
(“Somehow,” Hal commented to Bruce, “I don’t like the way she says that.”
Bruce simply grunted. Whether this was meant as agreement or disagreement was left up to the listener.)
“Not that I don’t doubt that Luthor had some pretty nasty ideas about doing stuff,” Victor said thoughtfully, “but has he actually committed a crime? Yet? By which of course I mean something he’s done today that we can prove?”
The young superheroes all looked at each other. The question took Clark by surprise. He’d given up on Lex, but Victor’s question had merit.
Finally, Bruce spoke: “Attempted demolition without a county- or city-issued permit. In New Troy, this carries a fine of up to $100,000 plus damages and as much as a year in jail.”
“Dude,” said Victor in awe, “how do you know this stuff?”
Bruce gave him a withering glare. “I read.”
“All right, then,” Ollie finally said, turning back to Diana. “I guess you can take him to the police. The nearest police station is two blocks away. Tell them the Green Arrow sent you.”
Diana pursed her lips. “Very well,” she said. “I shall return shortly, without the company of this dangerous, smooth-headed one. I will have questions for you, Heroes of Patriarch’s World. And then I will need assistance in the designing of a new uniform,” she added, flicking her skirt. “Something that I can run more easily in.”
“Oh, I’m sure we’ll think of something,” Bart said with a lascivious grin.
The Amazon glared at him -
And suddenly she and Lex were gone.
The superheroes looked at each other. Bart spoke up: “Everyone in favor of letting that Diana chick join up?”
The vote was unanimous.
[END]