(no subject)
Title: Been Waiting
Author: x_tired_crazy_x
Rating: R for now.
Summary: He was dying inside. I knew it, but chose to not to really do anything about it. I knew I should've done more, I knew I should've thought of some way to get him to stop. I didn't though. I didn't and thats why I have all these memories of his sad faces, and that look in his eyes... a longing for something I could never give him. I knew this was coming. In the back of my mind I must've known. I should've stopped it. Then I wouldn't have all these thoughts... But some are actually good. Believe it or not in Joel and I's relationship we had some great memories. Some funny times. Lots of heartache and pain...but we always made it through...
Disclaimer: Not Real. Never would be.
Dedicaited to: My Rachel so our lives would seem easy.
He was dying inside. I knew it, but chose to not to really do anything about it. I knew I should've done more, I knew I should've thought of some way to get him to stop.
I didn't though. I didn't and thats why I have all these memories of his sad faces, and that look in his eyes... a longing for something I could never give him. I knew this was coming. In the back of my mind I must've known. I should've stopped it. Then I wouldn't have all these thoughts...
But some are actually good. Believe it or not in Joel and I's relationship we had some great memories. Some funny times. Lots of heartache and pain...but we always made it through.
One time, it was just me and Joel and we were holding hands while walking through the park. It was morning and the frost was covering the grass so we were staying on the path. It was November which I think is the end of fall. Anyway, we had about 30 minutes until school started and we really wanted to see each other.
Our mom and dad separated only a few months before and we'd been split up. Me with Dad and Joel with Mom. Now, as caring and as wonderful as our mother was, she tended to over work herself. Joel never got to see her. Dad was always home drinking beer so I had to go to work after school leaving me and Joel barely anytime to get together.
When me and Joel found out we were being split, our how whole world crashed, our whole relationship got put on hold, and we cried every night for the week leading up to it.
So, we were walking in the park and our bench was coming up. I called it our bench because it was behind some bushes and a wall that was covered with ivory. No one could see us unless they they walked along the path and was in our view. Joel ran in front of me sitting down first and I sat next to him. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders loving just the spark I got when I touched him. We were both wearing our matching Rancid sweatshirts we had saved up for and got at a concert the week before. I gently placed a kiss on the side of his forehead and chin. He giggled slightly and smiled.
"I missed you last night... work was so draining and it sucked even more cause I knew I didn't have you to look forward too," I told him.
"Aww! Benji! It was the same for me, I was just laying on my bed thinking about you..." Joel leaned into me and sighed. "If we can't stand one night without each other what are we gonna when we get famous and can't see each other for WEEKS!" he asked me. He was always looking into the future, always asking question like 'When he get famous.' It's one of those things I love about him.
"Well, we'll just have to go everywhere together now won't we..." I replied and he laughed.
"We just are gonna have to tell the record label they can't book one without the other..." Joel said. Now I giggled.
"Joel, if were in a band, then we'd have to be booked together..." I informed him.
"It's not if, its when!" Joel scolded and I nodded my head knowingly.
He pulled out of my arms and scooted away from me. "I don't think you do Benj, sometimes I think you think I'm just dreaming... Benji, were gonna be famous!" He told me. He believed it so much. I can now swear to god, this kid had visions.
"I know Joel, I don't doubt you!" I said truthfully. If Joel believed it like he did, I knew it was gonna happen. I grabbed his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
We sat like that for another 20 minutes before Joel broke the silence.
"Benj?" he asked. I look over to him.
"What babe?" I pulled his hand up to my lips and gave each finger a kiss.
"I'm getting drained. Every things....just draining..." he told him. I perked up a bit worried at first but quickly coming to a conclusion.
I thought he wasn't home lots so he had to do all that work. "It'll get better, before you know it we'll have our own house, our own car... and we'll never have to spend another minutes with out the each other..." I said. Joel kissed my cheek.
"I know, and I can't wait..." he got up and pulled me with him. We walked into school still holding hands. The jocks pointed, the freshman stared, but we didn't care. He needed me right now and I was gonna be there for him.
Its those little moments like that I wish I could remember more of. Instead, I'm cursed with memories like these...
Me and Joel had bought our own apartment still in the town Waldorf. It was a shitty place but enough to say that I lived some where without my parents. Joel had left in the middle of the night had came home on drugs. Stoned to be exact. I'd never done anything more than smoke a cig and I could barely stand that so it scared me when Joel walked into our bedroom door giggling like crazy.
"Benji?" He asked looking around. "BENJI! I CAN'T SEE IT'S DARK!" He yelled feeling his way around the room and crawling on our bed. I sat up and pulled him into me.
"Joely? Whats wrong?" I asked him
"Nothing, I smoked pot is all!" he said cheery. My eyes bulged.
"Joel? What? Why?" I questioned.
"Because I could, its okay Benji, I'm not gonna DIE!" Joel kissed my lips and hugged me hard.
"Oh, Benji you should try some too!" He jumped off of my and dug into his coat pocket. He pulled out something that at the time I could only call a brown cigarette...
"Whats that?" I asked him. He looked at me like I was the stupidest person on the face of the earth.
"It's a blunt" he replied dully.
"Oh," I said back in a small voice. He pulled out a lighter and brought the blunt up to his lips lighting the end and sucking in deeply at the same time. I concluded this wasn't his first time smoking.
He handed it to me and giggled. "You do this," he started. "Suck... then suck again... then hold your breath till I say..." he ordered.
I just did as he told me double sucking and letting out when he said it was okay. It was weird. I'd never done anything this bad ever and I had know clue Joel knew anything about drugs at all.
We finished the blunt and in 20 minutes both of us totally stoned by the end.
Joel was sitting at the head of his bed, his back leaning against the wall. He pulled me into him so I was sitting between his legs my back on his chest. I sighed content with the way things were.
"Where'd you get that stuff?" I asked in a happy voice. I was just... happy. You know what drugs do.
"Guys at work were selling cheap..." he told me looking down at our hands that were together in my lap.
Suddenly he just starts bawling his eyes out, crying harder than ever before.
"Joely? Baby? Whats wrong" I asked turning around in his lap gently kissing his lips. He covered his face with his hands and wiped away his tears.
"Benji, LOOK WHAT I DID!" He yelled. I backed away slightly. "Oh my god Benj, I've gotten you high! Oh my god!" He started freaking out and rocking back and forth. I snuck up by his side and held him in my arms.
"How can you even look at me anymore? How can he stand the site of me after what I've put us through, after what's happened because of me!" he screamed in my face. I just kept on holding him my brain working over time trying to comprehend all he was saying.
"Mom doesn't call anymore, GOD knows where dad is. Sarah's not ALLOWED to speak with us and Josh is too freaked to even give up a Christmas card! All because of me Benji, why are you still here?" He demanded. I started shaking my head figuring out where this was heading.
"You should just leave me Benji, I'm no good. I love you too much to hold you back. Our bands not going nowhere, just kick me out Benji, you'll be better off!" He screamed on the top of his lungs. I just continued to hold him.
"No, no, no, no," I muttered over and over. "I love you Joel, I love you and I'm your twin, I couldn't leave even if I wanted to. Your my twin and my lover and thats all I need and want in life, I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you," I told him truthfully with all my heart.
He picked his head up and stopped rocking. Nothing was said, he knew I loved him. He had that reassurance. His lips collided with mine in a kiss or eyes falling shut as our tongues played games.
As sweet as that memory ends, its that much harder to think about how Joel blamed himself for all those things. He shouldn't think like that. No one should.
No one knows how much I loved Joel. How important he was to me. My number one priority. I'd do anything for him. That's why I'm still alive.
My worst memory in my life is the memory I think about the most.
We were coming of stage from our first set off our first headlining tour. Billy, Paul, Chris, and I were fucking off the walls. Everything went perfect.
"Joel, you sounded fucking great! Crisp ass, that was straight up punk shit out there!" I complimented in the "zone" as we called it.
"Thank Benj, yeah, we did pretty damn well..." he said with barely any emotion. He slipped into these little coma's where he'd be really depressed an just emotionless I guess. It reminded me of dad but I'd never ever speak that fear.
"Ahhh, now off to rest about... 45 more days of this shit..." Billy said aloud sighing.
"We tour fuckin, all year 'round!" Paul mused on. Joel and I nodded in agreement. Even though some people would take that as a complaint, we all loved touring.
We exited the building grabbing our sweatshirts that were laid here and there, stuffing them on to go meet the fans. Surprisingly, Joel wasn't with us but I just concluded that he was in the bathroom or took another route straight to the bus. Thinking nothing of it, I did the meet and greet which was quite enjoyable.
We came across a group of teenagers, clearly under 18 smoking some fags. "Yo! Give me one!" our drummer, Chris yelled at one of them.
"Blend 27's," a chick said handing him one. Now normally, I wouldn't give teens like this a second glance, but what can I say, I wanted a cig.
"Hey, pass one here..." I asked and a girl and some jeans and a Tye-dye Grateful Dead T-shirt handed me one and a lighter. "Thanks"
"Welcome..." she smiled and I smiled back.
Everyone but Joel that night basically ended up getting wasted there with those kids. I have to admit it was a fun time. By the middle of the night began to think about my twin, my boyfriend, and I decided to go. I said Bye to the guys and hugged the teenagers.
"See yuh at another show?" I asked and turned around.
"FUCK YES!" two chicks yelled in unison and I giggled slightly.
I turned a few corners finding our bus...I mean really, how could you miss it. I opened the door to get in and looked around. "Joelllly?" I asked slurring slightly. When I didn't hear anything I went to where the bunks were checking his and my bunks finding no one. I went back to the lounge and lying there, on the mini table in the middle, was a note.
It was in an envelope and it was slightly yellow with some burned edges. I could imagine Joel sitting there thinking to himself sub-consciously burning it and tears almost formed in my eyes.
This was not going to be good.
I sat on the mini couch and grabbed the letter. I was already trembling in my pot and beer induced mind-frame. It seemed like I knew what was coming, way before it came.
I opened the letter and just sobbed as I read the words.
Dear Benji,
Do you have any idea how hard it is to write something like this knowing that its going to break your heart. Knowing that I might be killing you right now. God Benji, I feel like such a douche for doing this one show into the biggest tour in our lives. I know how much you dreamed of this... you know I've dreamed of this life too. Now we finally have it and I don't know. A lot of my questions, wants, and needs are taken care of like I thought. Every things a lot different then I thought it was going to be.
I fucking love you Benji. You're my air. You're all I need to get through life.
And that scares me. I don't know why but I feel like I depend of you to much and thats not good. I can't live my whole life burdening you. I already feel bad enough as it is for what I'm doing.
I'm leaving you Benji. I don't know for how long and I don't really even know exactly why. I love you Benji. I'll be back. I promise.
Wait for me?
Your brother
Your twin
Your friend.
Your lover.
-Joel
Tears were just pouring from my eyes.
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