newbie

[dead_kitty]

Hi everyone. I'm here on the advice of herb lehman, who said you guys give wonderful feedback

Comments

[herb_lehman]

Hey, I know you!! This comment is a placeholder until I get a chance to seriously read your poem, which will likely be tomorrow, when I'm hopefully not three-quarters asleep.

[katherine_carla]

The poem really starts for me at "my brother's sneakers catch fire". I'm not sure you need the set-up in the first two stanzas. It also seems like you're describing internal family conflict so the fire originating from an external source doesn't work for me.

I would consider dropping the line about your mother disintegrating into ash. The other lines in that stanza are much more surprising, and the last looks dull in comparison. (I love "her robe bursts into bright ribbons").

In the next stanza, you might change "our own" to just "a private dance", it's understood that it's your own.

I enjoyed reading this. It's vivid, a bit surreal, but I think appropriate to the subject matter.

[dead_kitty]

Hmmm, very good point. I'm going to try changing the beginning.

[herb_lehman]

OK, now I'm ready to comment for real. The two things you were most uncertain about in this poem - the title and the ending - were the two things I liked most. I love the idea of describing your family as a "small country," because that's really what some families are: the diversity, the differences between people are very country-like. And the ending worked very well for me, personally.

I thought the first two stanzas said basically the same thing. I'd keep the second and cut the first, since the first stanza spells things out a bit too much and the second sort of leaves the reader a bit more curious.

I love some of the random details in the poem - your brother's tube socks, your mother's robe bursting into bright ribbons.

I was thrown a bit by the "dictator and the rebel" reference in stanza 6 - I'm guessing you're referring to your father, since your brother and mother have already caught fire?

Welcome aboard, and remember, I'm not responsible for anything that happens here from here on in. :-)

[dead_kitty]

Thanks, I'll think about those cuts and

I blame you for everything. hah!!!

[neraulia]

For whatever reason, I'm not thinking of too much constructive criticism (which is odd, since I tend to be very picky)! I like the poem a lot. Welcome.

[dead_kitty]

Thanks!