(Untitled)

[littlejenmc]

I feel so black. I hate this. I don't know what it wrong with me. I'm on the verge of tears, always. I will never be enough...

(I'm going off my medication... if this is how bad I really am, I think I will go back on it).

Oh, and the tea didn't work.

Comments

[tull]

Ride it out Jenna, as best you can. The one great insight I got from my dalliance with ecstasy was the understanding that there isn't always a thought-cause to a mood. It's a relieving piece of knowledge because it means that a general feeling of shittiness is nothing more than that, there's no implication for the future that can be infered from it.

As far as coming off (I'm assuming anti-d) meds the first few weeks are the worst. It's a time to be asking for support because you're basically throwing away your crutches, but if there isn't a better time to do it then you're just putting off the inevitable.

Finally, you lie! Tea always works. You're obviously doing it wrong. :)

[tull]

I didn't say it because I'd hope your doctor had the sense to warn you (some still dont) but you know that you can't just stop taking the meds, right? You have to reduce them slowly or you'll be thrown into a strong depression. The chemistry of anti-d's work on a 1-2 week scale, your brain forms a chemical dependancy which has to be weened slowly.

I'm sorry you have to feel bad. I still get sudden shifts of depression in the afternoons every now and then - not so much any more, but the mental shut down and cyclic self-deprecation always leaves me feeling that my body is betraying me. Try not to stew on the thoughts. If someone you trust is there it really helps to share your thoughts for an objective view.

[littlejenmc]

Thats exactly what its like... your body betraying you. And you're right, it probably is more chemical than anything else and I should not give too much weight to prevailing desires to leave home/drop uni/end relationships/kill myself. Maybe if I still feel them when my brain has sorted out its chemical wobble I'll reasses (except maybe the last - but hey, melo-drama is fun) but for now, I'll just drink more tea. :)

I apologise for that post. I realise now how self-orientated and "i'm on medication"ish it was now. And yeah, I've been on a reduction plan for about 2 weeks - (which, from your more informed synopisis, sounds like about the time my brain will wake up to the fact that things are changing, right?) I'm an old pro at juggling prescription medications and I can hook you up wif sum o'de best pain management specialists brudda if ya wanna overcome those afternoon slumps ;) (jk. and thanks again for being that rational, patient and understanding voice in times of trouble).

Take care.
Jx

[tull]

Dont apologise for posting a bluesy message in your own journal, it's your god-given right! :)

I don't know if you've seen a film called Garden State; it's a bit of an anti-psychiatry movie, it contains a pretty clear message in it that problems in life don't need to be pathologised. I think it shows the other side of the coin when experiencing strong emotions - Even when a feeling is somewhat biochemical in nature, it doesn't change the fact that you are experiencing it. I think the feeling can still be acknowledged as a significant event and treated as an important condition without necessarily viewing causality from the mood. That is, at that moment you may exist as an unhappy person who is suddenly attuned to all of the mistakes, problems and fucked-upness of your life, but the science of correlation (seeing the pattern of you being depressed and thinking that something has caused it) insists that there are three possible causes

[singoth]

Don't worry I know how you feel, I forgot my meds for what must have been almost all of last week and by saturday I was a screaming, uncontrolable mess. The physical was almost as bad as the mental, the feeling that everything was coming apart, even my body, was horrible. Luckily I have your wonderful cus to lean on in my times of need. All will be good... being on meds isn't the end of the world...