Things We Lost
Title: Things We Lost
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Spoiler: Set after 9.19 Cold.
Summary: Somewhere along the way you’ve lost your path, lost a part of you with no idea how to find your way back
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
A/N: Another kinda sad Casey/Olivia fic. I'll try to make the next one more fluffy :)
A/N2: I'm looking for someone willing to beta my Olivia/Casey fics, so if anyone is interested, drop me a line in the comments :) If you also watch Women's Murder Club and would be willing to beta that, too, it would be even greater, but it's no must.
Anyone up to it? =)
Things We Lost
It’s not supposed to be this way. It’s never been supposed to be this way.
Slowly, your eyes find the mirror, intently focusing on what is in front of you. All you can see is a complete stranger staring right back at you. You should be surprised. But you’re not. A face void of all emotions except for the eyes reflecting the pain.
You don’t know how it happened. You don’t know when it happened. The why, though, is more than clear. Whatever the answers are, the fact remains: you’ve changed.
You didn’t think it would happen. Not that thoroughly. You’ve probably never been more naïve than at that moment.
Part of the mirror is foggy. You raise your hand, pressing it against the cold glass. Fingerprints stay, your hand leaves. You know all about them; telling you exactly who they belong to, who left them. But that’s only physical. They’re no use for you. They won’t tell you who you are or who you are no longer. Somewhere along the way you’ve lost your path, lost a part of you with no idea how to find your way back. Maybe you never knew.
She wraps her arms around you and you lean into her embrace, taking in the comfort she’s offering. “You okay?” she asks softly before pressing a kiss to your temple.
“Yeah,” you sigh, “I have to be.”
“No,” she says and you feel her shake her head, “You don’t have to be.”
“It’s my fault. I wanted to push boundaries and pushed to far,” you shrug as if it is no big deal.
You just can’t admit right now how much this situation scares you. You’re not sure you want to fight but you’re not sure you can walk away from it either. Though, the way it looks at the moment, maybe you had better hope to still be able to practice at all. A deep sigh escapes you and you feel her grip around you tighten.
“You were trying to do the right thing,” she tries to comfort you.
You shake your head, “No, I didn’t. I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it was wrong, I just wanted…” You let the rest of the sentence trail off, not sure how to finish. What exactly did you want?
“Casey,” she whispers and you turn in her arms, leaning against the sink and look at her.
“Can we not talk about this tonight?” You almost beg but you couldn’t care less about it. You want to stop thinking about it, forgetting about all the fears and problems that are suffocating you.
“Okay,” she agrees.
You give her a thankful smile and lean forward, resting your head on her shoulder. Her arms instantly tighten around you again and for the first time since everything went wrong, you feel safe, cared for and it at least gives you some hope momentarily.
She starts rubbing your back, ever so gently and you grab her shirt, pulling her even closer to you.
“You’re gonna be fine,” she whispers into your ear, brushing her lips over your temple.
You can feel tears welling up in your eyes and you shut them tightly, not willing to let them flow. You don’t want to feel weak, not at this moment. Or maybe, you don’t want her to see you weak.
“Casey.” It’s a quiet whisper against your neck, followed by lips pressed against it. “Talk to me,” she demands softly.
“I can’t,” you replied, almost choking at the words while you try to suppress a sob. How are you supposed to express things you don’t understand yourself?
“Just try,” she urges and her hands come to a halt at your waist, fingers massaging through your towel.
You lean back slightly, pressing your forehead against hers. Your eyes still shut tightly, you take a deep breath. “I messed up,” you admit, “You know it, I know it.”
There’s a long pause; the silence almost deafening. It is the truth, neither of you can deny it, no matter how much she might want to make you feel better. And you appreciate that she just doesn’t reply, makes not further attempt to justify it for you.
“And now?” Isn’t that the question of questions. You sigh and pull away slightly, your head still bowed down. Looking up would mean facing her and you don’t know how to do that just now.
“Can we stop, please,” you’re begging at this point.
“We have to talk about it,” she simply states and you feel anger rise.
You let go of her shirt and step out of her reach, finally gazing at her. You shake your head, willing down the anger and annoyance, not wanting to let it out on her. It’s not her fault you messed up, she’s only trying to help. Though, talking is no help to you right now. Not before you can figure things out on your own.
You’re pushing her away and you feel sorry. How can you tell her that all your plans for life have disappeared just like you yourself did. There’s not much of the old Casey left, maybe you can save part of yourself, maybe it’s not worth saving or maybe it’s already too late. Giving up seems like a favourable option.
“We don’t have to do anything,” you finally press out, irritation audible in your voice before you can stop yourself.
“What then? Wait for the other shoe to drop for when it is too late?” Her irritation matches yours and you know you have to get out before you say things you might regret later.
“It already is,” you reply and then quickly turn around, almost fleeing out of the bathroom and into your bedroom, shutting the door more loudly than necessary behind you. Clearly, Olivia will catch the hint that you want to be alone.
It only takes you a moment to find your sleeping clothes, slipping on a large shirt and panties. The towel lands somewhere on the floor but you couldn’t care less. Tomorrow you would clean up. You’ll have more than enough time on your hands now anyway. The bed looks comfortable and that’s all you want. Crawling under the covers and hide from the world.
You hear footsteps followed by a door being opened and you know that today is simply not your lucky day. First your job, now you are this close to fighting with your girlfriend.
“You can’t give up,” she tells you, just a simple statement. She’s calmer now, you can tell. Time helped cool off both of you and you can’t help the small sigh of relief now that it seems the fight won’t happen.
You turn to face the door and raise your eyebrow, an ironic smile on your lips but no teasing in your eyes. This isn’t meant to be funny. “And that is why exactly?”
“You’re good at what you do,” she replies, the easiest answer there is.
“So will anyone after me,” you shrug lightly, “It won’t be the end of the world.” Taking a step back, you feel the side of the bed and you sit down, closing your eyes for a moment.
“It won’t be,” she agrees, “But you’re still wrong.”
You look up, “And why’s that?” you challenge her, “There are a lot of other good lawyers out there.”
“True, but your heart is at the right place,” she pauses for a second and you contemplate interrupting her. There’s no need for you to hear just how great you were doing your job or whatever. You weren’t, or you wouldn’t be in that position. And you did an even worse job at protecting yourself from what you’ve seen everyday.
She sits down next to you, reaching over to squeeze your hand. It’s strangely reassuring and after you’ve resisted the urge to pull away from her touch, it actually feels good, somehow better than in the bathroom just mere minutes ago.
“You care about them, Casey,” she squeezes you hand even tighter, and maybe it’s not only for you but her, too, “You care what happens to them, that they are able to move on and get justice.”
“Look where it got me,” you reply quietly, sighing deeply.
She leans over and presses a kiss against your temple, followed by one next to your ear, then behind it. Gently, she pushes a strand of the wet hair that is sticking to your forehead behind your ear and then pulls away. Different emotions are running through you, struggling between wanting to have her close and push her away.
You settle for letting yourself fall back, lying down on the bed but still holding tight to her hand. She shifts slightly so that she can face you and you shut your eyes, willing the world to go away, or at least the conversation to stop.
The sensation of fingertips gliding over your forearm as her hand leaves yours causes goose bumps to appear on your skin, the lightest of touches. “Whatever happens, Casey,” she pauses for a moment, intertwining your fingers again, squeezing tightly, “I love you.”
It was a soft utterance and you open your eyes instantly, surprised, “I know that,” you assure her, wondering where it was coming from.
“Good.” A small smile forms on her lips, “Just checking.”
There’s something in her voice you notice; disappointment or hurt, you can’t really decide on which. Neither is really something you want there, and you know it’s your fault in the first place. You tug gently on her arm, pulling her closer so that she ends up on top of you, straddling you.
Her eyes are full of love as she looks down on you and it breaks your heart as much as it makes it soar. In a matter of days you had put yourself through so much pain, and in a matter of only a few hours, you did the same to her. Pushing her away and being miserable alone seemed easier. No nice words of reassurance wanted; no words to make you feel better. With that you hurt the last person you ever wanted to hurt.
You raise your hand and run it through her hair, resting at the base of her neck. She smiles and leans in, placing a soft kiss on your lips. “I love you,” she whispers against your lips again before capturing your bottom lip between her teeth, nipping at it.
Wrapping your arms tightly around her neck, you pull her closer to you. She lets go of your lip and you open your mouth instantly, allowing her tongue to enter. The softness is gone, replaced by a desperateness to feel the other; hungry and demanding. She shifts lightly so that she can move her hand to the hem of your shirt, grazing soft skin just underneath it.
Your hands move to her shirt, a lot less patient. Instantly, you pull at it and she breaks away for a moment so that you can remove it quickly. It lands somewhere on the floor, sure to be found later on. Her lips are pressed against your neck in only seconds, starting at the base and making it’s way up until she reaches your ear. Her tongue traces the outline of your ear before nibbling on your earlobe.
Your hands are idly roaming over her stomach, no real pattern until finding the bottom of her pants. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she mumbles against your skin as you fumble with opening it. You pause for a moment and she looks at you.
“Case?” she asks when you don’t reply.
You bit down on your lip, wondering how to tell her what you feel, probably ruining the mood completely. The bit that is there to begin with. She reaches out and brushes some hair out of your face again, resting her hand in the back of your neck, playing with your hair.
“I…” you breathe out slowly, closing your eyes, “Maybe,” you finish helplessly.
“Look at me,” she demands softly and you open your eyes, “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
You laugh lightly but void of joy, and you opt for joking, “Nothing, you know that.”
The look you receive in reply tells you to better not try and change the topic. “Talk to me or I’ll stop,” she sits up to put some distance between you. She’s still straddling you and you wrap your arms around her waist to keep her there.
“I just want to feel something different,” you admit quietly.
Her hands move to your shirt, slipping under it and rests them on each side, rubbing her thumbs over your skin. She leans forward and kisses you on the forehead before leaning hers against yours. Hands still resting on your stomach, you feel the heat coming from her. “What are you feeling now?”
It’s asked as softly as possible, followed by a quick peck on your nose. A situation sweeter than you wanted it to be. She’s here, caring and you feel bad for ever wanting to push her away. You shut your eyes before confessing, “Lost.”
Tears well up and before you can stop them, they roll down your cheeks. “You’ll be fine.” There’s a certainty in her voice that makes you stop questioning her even if you want to. For now, believing her feels better than telling her she can’t know that. There’s always a tomorrow for that.
Lips dry your tears, moving on to your neck again, gently nibbling on the soft skin below your jaw line. Her hands are pulling on your shirt, pushing it upwards while she promises, “Just hold onto me, I won’t let you fall.”
You bite down on your lip, hard, to keep from crying even more. “No matter what happens?” You hate the insecurity even you can hear in your voice. But while the world around you is falling apart, leaving you without knowing of what’s to come next, you need to know that there will be one thing that won’t go away. Her. You need her to stay and you need her to reassure you that.
“No matter what,” she replies without any hesitation, pressing her lips to yours again. Her tongue is probing against your lips immediately and you oblige gladly. When you break away, your shirt is somewhere around your neck and you raise your arms so that she can pull it over your head.
“Good,” you exhale, even a small smile on your lips. Her fingers brush over your now bare torso, along the outside of your breasts, and you let out a light gasp. It is definitely helping.
Her mouth moves to the hollow of your throat, her tongue dipping in. You have to admit you’re a bit impatient and your hands move to her pants, finally undoing the bottom. When she moves lower, trailing wet kisses down to your sternum, you abandon the thought of pushing the pants down for the time being.
She plants more kisses upwards until her tongue traces around your areola. You wiggle slightly, urging her to go faster, and when her mouth closes on your nipple, you gasp, pressing against her while you shut your eyes tightly.
She runs one hand over your stomach, fingertips grazing your skin. Your skin is tingling. It’s a nice feeling. And suddenly her hands are hooked into each side of your panties, her lips leaving random kisses all over your stomach on her way down. She stops at your hipbone, scraping her teeth over soft flesh. Slowly, she eases your panties down, hands always staying in contact with your skin.
She presses a gently kiss to each ankle once your panties are discarded before pulling herself all the way up. Her face is so close to yours again. Your hands rest on her back. Finding the clasp you undo it, quickly getting rid of the bra before gently cupping her breasts.
She leans down, her mouth capturing yours. “You okay?” she asks after breaking apart.
You nibble on your lip and shake your head. A heavy sigh leaves your throat and you wish you could lie more convincing. But you can’t, not with her so you don’t bother to try. You push on her remaining clothes, hoping it’s going to distract her.
It’s working, partly. She gets up for just a moment, finishing your work for you and once every piece is gone, she covers your body with hers again. “Talk,” she demands, her mouth so close to your ear that you feel her hot breath on your skin sending delicious shivers down your spine.
“Not now,” you manage to reply, digging your fingers into her back when she bites down on your neck before soothingly licking over it.
She looks up at you, something unrecognizable in her eyes. She wants you to talk, you want nothing more than not to talk. It’s not the right moment to delve even further into your troubled mind, not desiring to lay bare your soul if you could be doing so much better things.
Her hand trails down, nudging your legs apart. Her touch is fleeting, ghost like but enough to elicit a groan. Your hand finds her neck, pulling her close so that you can kiss her. It doesn’t last long. She breaks away and moves down your body, coming to a halt just before where you really want her. She puts some distance between you and you’re confused for a moment, looking up at her.
She hooks her hands behind the back of your knees, dragging you towards the end of the bed, positioning herself in front of it and between your legs. You lick your lips in anticipation and press your head back into the soft mattress. Your hands find the sheets to clutch to them when a first soft kiss is pressed to your knee, same action repeated on the other side.
Lips and tongue leave a wet trail on the inside of your thigh and your breathing quickens, turning to gasps and desperately sucking in air the closer she gets. And then she stops. Repeating everything, torturously slow, and you’re sure she’s trying to drive you insane. Your whole body feels tensed and yet, you’re strangely relaxed. Step by step, you’re handing over control to her, letting go.
Then finally, she has mercy with you. A first tentative probe with her tongue, flicking over your clit and you hold tighter to the sheets, glad to have something so you wouldn’t dig your nails into your palms. “Fuck,” you gasp, trying to take in a deep breath to regain some sense.
She thrusts her tongue into you and you know you won’t last long. You let go of the cloth and your hands come to her shoulders, tugging on her. You want her up with you, having her close, kissing you.
In an instant, she complies, quickly covering you again while her fingers replace her tongue. A moan escapes you and you bite down on your lip, eyes tightly close as the sensations wash over you. Her mouth is on yours before you can ask for it and you are able to taste yourself on her. Your hand trails down her stomach, between her legs. You want her to come with you and you find she’s more than ready.
You push into her and she breaks apart, her breathing suddenly heavier. She sets up a quick rhythm, grazing your clit with every stroke. It takes everything you have to mirror her and keep it up. Her forehead comes to a rest on your shoulder, both of you panting. You know you’re almost there and you feel her tighten around your fingers slightly. You press down on her clit, sending her over. It only takes another moment and you follow.
She collapses on you before rolling over to lie next to you, her arm tightly draped around you. Only loud breathing disturbs the perfect silence in the room. The tension inside you is gone, replaced by a total loss of being able to control your feelings anymore. When she softly kisses your temple, you feel the first tears stream down, unable to keep them in anymore.
“Casey?” she asks, almost whispered.
“I can’t do this anymore,” you press out, your voice shaky.
She props up on her elbow so that she can look at. There’s an utter look of confusion on her face, like she has no idea what you’re talking about. And maybe she doesn’t. It’s soon replaced by fear when you don’t reply, clearly coming to the wrong conclusion.
“I… I can’t,” you swallow hard, all kinds of different thoughts swirling around your head and you’re having a hard time forming coherent sentences with it. “My job,” you start again, focusing on the ceiling above you as if there was nothing more interesting in the world.
“What about it?” Her hand finds yours and squeezes it at the same time as she’s placing a kiss on your shoulder.
“I can’t do it anymore,” you confess, “I can’t keep on seeing the bad guys get away with it, see what people can do to each other.” A fresh wave of tears wet your face but you can’t care enough to wipe them away. “I feel like I lost a part of myself, I did things… this is just not me.” You exhale as if you had been holding your breath for forever. “But I don’t know if I can just walk away either. Knowing what I know.”
And there it is; the whole dilemma.
“You don’t have to decide now.” It’s her sole reply. There isn’t much else to say.
“I want that part of me back,” you whisper quietly.
“You can’t,” she utters the truth, “But it can make you a stronger person, stronger than you already are.” She leans over and kisses you.
“I don’t feel strong,” you admit, resting your hand on her stomach. The soft, warm skin calms you, actually makes you feel focused and safe.
“You are,” she repeats, pulling you even closer to her and you rest your head on her shoulder, “Don’t let anyone tell you differently.”
“Don’t let me regret it,” you plead with her.
“I won’t,” she promises.
Neither of you talks about the ‘what’. She doesn’t ask and you don’t say. It’s almost hanging above you like a black cloud. You don’t know what will happen and you don’t know what you want to happen. But you’re certain time will tell you.
You snuggle against her, somehow pulling the covers over you. You didn’t solve anything but yet you feel lighter. Talking wasn’t so bad after all. Lips press against you neck and then your ear.
You close your eyes. There’s always tomorrow. For now, you ban all thoughts from your mind. You won’t find a solution tonight; won’t find the answer to what you want. You lost a part of yourself to the job and she was right, you will never go back to being that person you were. What’s done is done and the consequences are what you have to live with. You have her and for now it’s more than enough.
“I won’t,” she says again.
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Spoiler: Set after 9.19 Cold.
Summary: Somewhere along the way you’ve lost your path, lost a part of you with no idea how to find your way back
Pairing: Casey/Olivia
A/N: Another kinda sad Casey/Olivia fic. I'll try to make the next one more fluffy :)
A/N2: I'm looking for someone willing to beta my Olivia/Casey fics, so if anyone is interested, drop me a line in the comments :) If you also watch Women's Murder Club and would be willing to beta that, too, it would be even greater, but it's no must.
Anyone up to it? =)
Things We Lost
It’s not supposed to be this way. It’s never been supposed to be this way.
Slowly, your eyes find the mirror, intently focusing on what is in front of you. All you can see is a complete stranger staring right back at you. You should be surprised. But you’re not. A face void of all emotions except for the eyes reflecting the pain.
You don’t know how it happened. You don’t know when it happened. The why, though, is more than clear. Whatever the answers are, the fact remains: you’ve changed.
You didn’t think it would happen. Not that thoroughly. You’ve probably never been more naïve than at that moment.
Part of the mirror is foggy. You raise your hand, pressing it against the cold glass. Fingerprints stay, your hand leaves. You know all about them; telling you exactly who they belong to, who left them. But that’s only physical. They’re no use for you. They won’t tell you who you are or who you are no longer. Somewhere along the way you’ve lost your path, lost a part of you with no idea how to find your way back. Maybe you never knew.
She wraps her arms around you and you lean into her embrace, taking in the comfort she’s offering. “You okay?” she asks softly before pressing a kiss to your temple.
“Yeah,” you sigh, “I have to be.”
“No,” she says and you feel her shake her head, “You don’t have to be.”
“It’s my fault. I wanted to push boundaries and pushed to far,” you shrug as if it is no big deal.
You just can’t admit right now how much this situation scares you. You’re not sure you want to fight but you’re not sure you can walk away from it either. Though, the way it looks at the moment, maybe you had better hope to still be able to practice at all. A deep sigh escapes you and you feel her grip around you tighten.
“You were trying to do the right thing,” she tries to comfort you.
You shake your head, “No, I didn’t. I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it was wrong, I just wanted…” You let the rest of the sentence trail off, not sure how to finish. What exactly did you want?
“Casey,” she whispers and you turn in her arms, leaning against the sink and look at her.
“Can we not talk about this tonight?” You almost beg but you couldn’t care less about it. You want to stop thinking about it, forgetting about all the fears and problems that are suffocating you.
“Okay,” she agrees.
You give her a thankful smile and lean forward, resting your head on her shoulder. Her arms instantly tighten around you again and for the first time since everything went wrong, you feel safe, cared for and it at least gives you some hope momentarily.
She starts rubbing your back, ever so gently and you grab her shirt, pulling her even closer to you.
“You’re gonna be fine,” she whispers into your ear, brushing her lips over your temple.
You can feel tears welling up in your eyes and you shut them tightly, not willing to let them flow. You don’t want to feel weak, not at this moment. Or maybe, you don’t want her to see you weak.
“Casey.” It’s a quiet whisper against your neck, followed by lips pressed against it. “Talk to me,” she demands softly.
“I can’t,” you replied, almost choking at the words while you try to suppress a sob. How are you supposed to express things you don’t understand yourself?
“Just try,” she urges and her hands come to a halt at your waist, fingers massaging through your towel.
You lean back slightly, pressing your forehead against hers. Your eyes still shut tightly, you take a deep breath. “I messed up,” you admit, “You know it, I know it.”
There’s a long pause; the silence almost deafening. It is the truth, neither of you can deny it, no matter how much she might want to make you feel better. And you appreciate that she just doesn’t reply, makes not further attempt to justify it for you.
“And now?” Isn’t that the question of questions. You sigh and pull away slightly, your head still bowed down. Looking up would mean facing her and you don’t know how to do that just now.
“Can we stop, please,” you’re begging at this point.
“We have to talk about it,” she simply states and you feel anger rise.
You let go of her shirt and step out of her reach, finally gazing at her. You shake your head, willing down the anger and annoyance, not wanting to let it out on her. It’s not her fault you messed up, she’s only trying to help. Though, talking is no help to you right now. Not before you can figure things out on your own.
You’re pushing her away and you feel sorry. How can you tell her that all your plans for life have disappeared just like you yourself did. There’s not much of the old Casey left, maybe you can save part of yourself, maybe it’s not worth saving or maybe it’s already too late. Giving up seems like a favourable option.
“We don’t have to do anything,” you finally press out, irritation audible in your voice before you can stop yourself.
“What then? Wait for the other shoe to drop for when it is too late?” Her irritation matches yours and you know you have to get out before you say things you might regret later.
“It already is,” you reply and then quickly turn around, almost fleeing out of the bathroom and into your bedroom, shutting the door more loudly than necessary behind you. Clearly, Olivia will catch the hint that you want to be alone.
It only takes you a moment to find your sleeping clothes, slipping on a large shirt and panties. The towel lands somewhere on the floor but you couldn’t care less. Tomorrow you would clean up. You’ll have more than enough time on your hands now anyway. The bed looks comfortable and that’s all you want. Crawling under the covers and hide from the world.
You hear footsteps followed by a door being opened and you know that today is simply not your lucky day. First your job, now you are this close to fighting with your girlfriend.
“You can’t give up,” she tells you, just a simple statement. She’s calmer now, you can tell. Time helped cool off both of you and you can’t help the small sigh of relief now that it seems the fight won’t happen.
You turn to face the door and raise your eyebrow, an ironic smile on your lips but no teasing in your eyes. This isn’t meant to be funny. “And that is why exactly?”
“You’re good at what you do,” she replies, the easiest answer there is.
“So will anyone after me,” you shrug lightly, “It won’t be the end of the world.” Taking a step back, you feel the side of the bed and you sit down, closing your eyes for a moment.
“It won’t be,” she agrees, “But you’re still wrong.”
You look up, “And why’s that?” you challenge her, “There are a lot of other good lawyers out there.”
“True, but your heart is at the right place,” she pauses for a second and you contemplate interrupting her. There’s no need for you to hear just how great you were doing your job or whatever. You weren’t, or you wouldn’t be in that position. And you did an even worse job at protecting yourself from what you’ve seen everyday.
She sits down next to you, reaching over to squeeze your hand. It’s strangely reassuring and after you’ve resisted the urge to pull away from her touch, it actually feels good, somehow better than in the bathroom just mere minutes ago.
“You care about them, Casey,” she squeezes you hand even tighter, and maybe it’s not only for you but her, too, “You care what happens to them, that they are able to move on and get justice.”
“Look where it got me,” you reply quietly, sighing deeply.
She leans over and presses a kiss against your temple, followed by one next to your ear, then behind it. Gently, she pushes a strand of the wet hair that is sticking to your forehead behind your ear and then pulls away. Different emotions are running through you, struggling between wanting to have her close and push her away.
You settle for letting yourself fall back, lying down on the bed but still holding tight to her hand. She shifts slightly so that she can face you and you shut your eyes, willing the world to go away, or at least the conversation to stop.
The sensation of fingertips gliding over your forearm as her hand leaves yours causes goose bumps to appear on your skin, the lightest of touches. “Whatever happens, Casey,” she pauses for a moment, intertwining your fingers again, squeezing tightly, “I love you.”
It was a soft utterance and you open your eyes instantly, surprised, “I know that,” you assure her, wondering where it was coming from.
“Good.” A small smile forms on her lips, “Just checking.”
There’s something in her voice you notice; disappointment or hurt, you can’t really decide on which. Neither is really something you want there, and you know it’s your fault in the first place. You tug gently on her arm, pulling her closer so that she ends up on top of you, straddling you.
Her eyes are full of love as she looks down on you and it breaks your heart as much as it makes it soar. In a matter of days you had put yourself through so much pain, and in a matter of only a few hours, you did the same to her. Pushing her away and being miserable alone seemed easier. No nice words of reassurance wanted; no words to make you feel better. With that you hurt the last person you ever wanted to hurt.
You raise your hand and run it through her hair, resting at the base of her neck. She smiles and leans in, placing a soft kiss on your lips. “I love you,” she whispers against your lips again before capturing your bottom lip between her teeth, nipping at it.
Wrapping your arms tightly around her neck, you pull her closer to you. She lets go of your lip and you open your mouth instantly, allowing her tongue to enter. The softness is gone, replaced by a desperateness to feel the other; hungry and demanding. She shifts lightly so that she can move her hand to the hem of your shirt, grazing soft skin just underneath it.
Your hands move to her shirt, a lot less patient. Instantly, you pull at it and she breaks away for a moment so that you can remove it quickly. It lands somewhere on the floor, sure to be found later on. Her lips are pressed against your neck in only seconds, starting at the base and making it’s way up until she reaches your ear. Her tongue traces the outline of your ear before nibbling on your earlobe.
Your hands are idly roaming over her stomach, no real pattern until finding the bottom of her pants. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she mumbles against your skin as you fumble with opening it. You pause for a moment and she looks at you.
“Case?” she asks when you don’t reply.
You bit down on your lip, wondering how to tell her what you feel, probably ruining the mood completely. The bit that is there to begin with. She reaches out and brushes some hair out of your face again, resting her hand in the back of your neck, playing with your hair.
“I…” you breathe out slowly, closing your eyes, “Maybe,” you finish helplessly.
“Look at me,” she demands softly and you open your eyes, “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
You laugh lightly but void of joy, and you opt for joking, “Nothing, you know that.”
The look you receive in reply tells you to better not try and change the topic. “Talk to me or I’ll stop,” she sits up to put some distance between you. She’s still straddling you and you wrap your arms around her waist to keep her there.
“I just want to feel something different,” you admit quietly.
Her hands move to your shirt, slipping under it and rests them on each side, rubbing her thumbs over your skin. She leans forward and kisses you on the forehead before leaning hers against yours. Hands still resting on your stomach, you feel the heat coming from her. “What are you feeling now?”
It’s asked as softly as possible, followed by a quick peck on your nose. A situation sweeter than you wanted it to be. She’s here, caring and you feel bad for ever wanting to push her away. You shut your eyes before confessing, “Lost.”
Tears well up and before you can stop them, they roll down your cheeks. “You’ll be fine.” There’s a certainty in her voice that makes you stop questioning her even if you want to. For now, believing her feels better than telling her she can’t know that. There’s always a tomorrow for that.
Lips dry your tears, moving on to your neck again, gently nibbling on the soft skin below your jaw line. Her hands are pulling on your shirt, pushing it upwards while she promises, “Just hold onto me, I won’t let you fall.”
You bite down on your lip, hard, to keep from crying even more. “No matter what happens?” You hate the insecurity even you can hear in your voice. But while the world around you is falling apart, leaving you without knowing of what’s to come next, you need to know that there will be one thing that won’t go away. Her. You need her to stay and you need her to reassure you that.
“No matter what,” she replies without any hesitation, pressing her lips to yours again. Her tongue is probing against your lips immediately and you oblige gladly. When you break away, your shirt is somewhere around your neck and you raise your arms so that she can pull it over your head.
“Good,” you exhale, even a small smile on your lips. Her fingers brush over your now bare torso, along the outside of your breasts, and you let out a light gasp. It is definitely helping.
Her mouth moves to the hollow of your throat, her tongue dipping in. You have to admit you’re a bit impatient and your hands move to her pants, finally undoing the bottom. When she moves lower, trailing wet kisses down to your sternum, you abandon the thought of pushing the pants down for the time being.
She plants more kisses upwards until her tongue traces around your areola. You wiggle slightly, urging her to go faster, and when her mouth closes on your nipple, you gasp, pressing against her while you shut your eyes tightly.
She runs one hand over your stomach, fingertips grazing your skin. Your skin is tingling. It’s a nice feeling. And suddenly her hands are hooked into each side of your panties, her lips leaving random kisses all over your stomach on her way down. She stops at your hipbone, scraping her teeth over soft flesh. Slowly, she eases your panties down, hands always staying in contact with your skin.
She presses a gently kiss to each ankle once your panties are discarded before pulling herself all the way up. Her face is so close to yours again. Your hands rest on her back. Finding the clasp you undo it, quickly getting rid of the bra before gently cupping her breasts.
She leans down, her mouth capturing yours. “You okay?” she asks after breaking apart.
You nibble on your lip and shake your head. A heavy sigh leaves your throat and you wish you could lie more convincing. But you can’t, not with her so you don’t bother to try. You push on her remaining clothes, hoping it’s going to distract her.
It’s working, partly. She gets up for just a moment, finishing your work for you and once every piece is gone, she covers your body with hers again. “Talk,” she demands, her mouth so close to your ear that you feel her hot breath on your skin sending delicious shivers down your spine.
“Not now,” you manage to reply, digging your fingers into her back when she bites down on your neck before soothingly licking over it.
She looks up at you, something unrecognizable in her eyes. She wants you to talk, you want nothing more than not to talk. It’s not the right moment to delve even further into your troubled mind, not desiring to lay bare your soul if you could be doing so much better things.
Her hand trails down, nudging your legs apart. Her touch is fleeting, ghost like but enough to elicit a groan. Your hand finds her neck, pulling her close so that you can kiss her. It doesn’t last long. She breaks away and moves down your body, coming to a halt just before where you really want her. She puts some distance between you and you’re confused for a moment, looking up at her.
She hooks her hands behind the back of your knees, dragging you towards the end of the bed, positioning herself in front of it and between your legs. You lick your lips in anticipation and press your head back into the soft mattress. Your hands find the sheets to clutch to them when a first soft kiss is pressed to your knee, same action repeated on the other side.
Lips and tongue leave a wet trail on the inside of your thigh and your breathing quickens, turning to gasps and desperately sucking in air the closer she gets. And then she stops. Repeating everything, torturously slow, and you’re sure she’s trying to drive you insane. Your whole body feels tensed and yet, you’re strangely relaxed. Step by step, you’re handing over control to her, letting go.
Then finally, she has mercy with you. A first tentative probe with her tongue, flicking over your clit and you hold tighter to the sheets, glad to have something so you wouldn’t dig your nails into your palms. “Fuck,” you gasp, trying to take in a deep breath to regain some sense.
She thrusts her tongue into you and you know you won’t last long. You let go of the cloth and your hands come to her shoulders, tugging on her. You want her up with you, having her close, kissing you.
In an instant, she complies, quickly covering you again while her fingers replace her tongue. A moan escapes you and you bite down on your lip, eyes tightly close as the sensations wash over you. Her mouth is on yours before you can ask for it and you are able to taste yourself on her. Your hand trails down her stomach, between her legs. You want her to come with you and you find she’s more than ready.
You push into her and she breaks apart, her breathing suddenly heavier. She sets up a quick rhythm, grazing your clit with every stroke. It takes everything you have to mirror her and keep it up. Her forehead comes to a rest on your shoulder, both of you panting. You know you’re almost there and you feel her tighten around your fingers slightly. You press down on her clit, sending her over. It only takes another moment and you follow.
She collapses on you before rolling over to lie next to you, her arm tightly draped around you. Only loud breathing disturbs the perfect silence in the room. The tension inside you is gone, replaced by a total loss of being able to control your feelings anymore. When she softly kisses your temple, you feel the first tears stream down, unable to keep them in anymore.
“Casey?” she asks, almost whispered.
“I can’t do this anymore,” you press out, your voice shaky.
She props up on her elbow so that she can look at. There’s an utter look of confusion on her face, like she has no idea what you’re talking about. And maybe she doesn’t. It’s soon replaced by fear when you don’t reply, clearly coming to the wrong conclusion.
“I… I can’t,” you swallow hard, all kinds of different thoughts swirling around your head and you’re having a hard time forming coherent sentences with it. “My job,” you start again, focusing on the ceiling above you as if there was nothing more interesting in the world.
“What about it?” Her hand finds yours and squeezes it at the same time as she’s placing a kiss on your shoulder.
“I can’t do it anymore,” you confess, “I can’t keep on seeing the bad guys get away with it, see what people can do to each other.” A fresh wave of tears wet your face but you can’t care enough to wipe them away. “I feel like I lost a part of myself, I did things… this is just not me.” You exhale as if you had been holding your breath for forever. “But I don’t know if I can just walk away either. Knowing what I know.”
And there it is; the whole dilemma.
“You don’t have to decide now.” It’s her sole reply. There isn’t much else to say.
“I want that part of me back,” you whisper quietly.
“You can’t,” she utters the truth, “But it can make you a stronger person, stronger than you already are.” She leans over and kisses you.
“I don’t feel strong,” you admit, resting your hand on her stomach. The soft, warm skin calms you, actually makes you feel focused and safe.
“You are,” she repeats, pulling you even closer to her and you rest your head on her shoulder, “Don’t let anyone tell you differently.”
“Don’t let me regret it,” you plead with her.
“I won’t,” she promises.
Neither of you talks about the ‘what’. She doesn’t ask and you don’t say. It’s almost hanging above you like a black cloud. You don’t know what will happen and you don’t know what you want to happen. But you’re certain time will tell you.
You snuggle against her, somehow pulling the covers over you. You didn’t solve anything but yet you feel lighter. Talking wasn’t so bad after all. Lips press against you neck and then your ear.
You close your eyes. There’s always tomorrow. For now, you ban all thoughts from your mind. You won’t find a solution tonight; won’t find the answer to what you want. You lost a part of yourself to the job and she was right, you will never go back to being that person you were. What’s done is done and the consequences are what you have to live with. You have her and for now it’s more than enough.
“I won’t,” she says again.