Defusion - Chapter Eight

[lithic_rune]

Title: Defusion
Fandom: Rockman.EXE
Rating: PG
Summary: It was supposed to be a simple experiment. Nothing was supposed to go wrong. Unfortunately, it did, and now Enzan, Netto, Rockman, and Blues are finding out first hand what happens when a dimensional area shatters.
Warnings: The chapter is complete. The story is not. I have no idea how long it

Comments

[steelthorns]

The ooooonly crit I can find are in these two sentences.

They didn't always stay on the road, but at least it was there, promising a destination with people at the other end. With police.

Usually an abrupt sentence like that can work, but something seems to be off about it to me with the general tone that Rockman took for the rest of his narrative.

He tried swallowing to get the lump of whatever to go down all the way, but it stayed right where it was. His eyes started to prickle with tears.

And the only problem I have with this is that the connection between the two sentences doesn't quite flow for me. ._. But this is very nitpicky and I'm trying to see if I can find stuff.

In other words, great chapter and OMG, don't stop there. ;_;

[lithic_rune]

They didn't always stay on the road, but at least it was there, promising a destination with people at the other end. Hopefully with police.

How does that sound?

He tried swallowing to get the lump of whatever to go down all the way, but it stayed right where it was, making his eyes prickle with tears.

And that?

I appreciate the nitpickiness! :D That is why I post stuff to my journal before showing it to the rest of the world. I want it picked over here before it goes "public." :3

[steelthorns]

Great!

[syvia]

cooperate, your brother may join him, too.

That, and

"When someone introduces themselves to you, boy, it is typically considered good manners to introduce yourself back."

are my only suggestions. :D

I look forward to the next chapter for this is yummy yummy stuff!

[lithic_rune]

Thank you~ Thank you for looking this over and for giving me your opinion, Syv. It means a lot to me.