Valentine's Day RPS
Title: Five Fifteen Reasons Why Jared Fucking Hates Valentine's Day and One Reason Why He Doesn't
Author: Elissa
Pairing: Jared/Jensen (With Chris, Mayhem, Rosenbaum, Tommy and Jeff)
Rating: R
Summary: But really, Jared can't remember anymore why he hates Jager so much and breaking the bottle seems like a sad idea, so he just joins the circle and watches Mike dare Chad to wear Kenzie's underwear on his head. Kenzie isn't wearing underwear, which, go figure, so Mike dares Chad to run around the room naked. And if seeing Chad naked isn't reason enough to hate Valentine's Day, Jared doesn't know what is.
Author's Notes: Not betaed, because I just wrote it and wanted to post it before Valentine's Day was over. Sort of schmoopy/cracky J-Squared. Thanks to clex_monkie89 for enabling! She wins at everything ever! And thanks to jewels667 who is the best roommate ever!
Disclaimer: I don't know them. None of this is real. Blah, blah, blah.
Reason # 1: Mike Rosenbaum likes it. And anything that Mike likes automatically becomes the Center Of The Universe and everyone in Mike's sphere of orbit is expected to revolve around it. Revolving around Mike's Valentine's Day obsession requires attending a huge Valentine's Day drunkfest/semi-orgy. And attending the party requires bringing a date. Requires is not a term used loosely. No one gets in the door unless they've got a hottie on their arm.
2. Jared's idea of a hottie date is Jensen.
3. Jensen's idea of a hottie date is Chris Kane.
4. Sandy, Jared's second-choice-hottie-date, doesn't believe in Valentine's Day. And even if she did, Sandy fucking hates Mike. So Jared always ends up going with Chad, who always ends up rolling on E and trying to molest some poor innocent by-stander, who always ends up being someone Jared knows. And then Jared ends up spending the entire night apologizing for Chad and picking him up off the floor and carting him home when he passes out. And Chad always passes out right before Mike breaks out the really good weed. And Jared's seen how touchy-feely Jensen gets when he's high and he just knows that asshat Chis gets to be on the receiving end of Jensen's grabby hands.
5. Last year, Chad brought Sophia and Jared had to go with Alexis, who is quite possibly the most boring human being on the planet, not to mention a lightweight. She got drunk off of two glasses of wine and puked on Jared's shoes. Jared had to take her home early, missing the best parts of the party again. And the worst part? Chad was a perfect gentleman the whole night. He didn't get wasted and he didn't once touch anyone inappropriately. Probably because he knew Sophia would kick his ass.
6. This year, Chad's bringing Kenzie and Jared really hopes the cops don't show up and arrest them all for providing alcohol to a minor. Jared runs through his entire list of potential hotties looking for another date and comes up blank, so he asks his sister.
7. His sister says no and Jensen doesn't think it's funny when Jared asks for his sister's number, even though he's mostly kidding. The network sends them both big boxes of candy and in retaliation for the sister thing, Jensen eats all of Jared's.
8. Jared gets stuck going with Jeff, who's made it perfectly clear that he intends to ditch Jared as soon as they get there. And on top of that, Jared stupidly agreed when Jensen suggested that they all ride together, so now Chris and Jensen are crammed into his back seat, sitting way too close for comfort. Jensen looks fucking orgasmic and Chris is tracing patterns on the back of his neck with the pad of his thumb and Jared's so busy watching them in the rear-view mirror that he almost hits a puppy. He's so cranky, he almost wishes he hadn't missed. The killing would have been therapeutic.
9. By the time they get to Mike's, he's out of fucking liquor except for Jager. And Jared fucking hates Jager. He always throws up like, two hours in. Not to mention the fact that Jager hangovers are the fucking worst! And if Jeff hadn't taken all damn night to get ready, maybe they would have gotten there in time for Jared to snag a bottle of tequila. But fuck if Jared's going to suffer through this event sober, so he grabs a bottle and stuffs himself in a corner to brood.
10. Apparently Chris-fucking-Kane is, like, God's gift to the world. Because within minutes of their arrival, he's got Mike and Chad hanging all over him and Jared's stuck listening to Welling talk about competitive horse riding. Which, what the fuck? If he has to watch Tommy draw one more diagram explaining fence jumping, he's going to stab someone.
11. And then, the crowd thins and Mike calls for a game of truth or dare. Jared fucking hates truth or dare, but Chris is grinning like it's the best idea in the world and Jensen is laughing at him and Jared thinks about stabbing Chris with the jager bottle. But really, Jared can't remember anymore why he hates jager so much and breaking the bottle seems like a sad idea, so he just joins the circle and watches Mike dare Chad to wear Kenzie's underwear on his head. Kenzie isn't wearing underwear, which, go figure, so Mike dares Chad to run around the room naked. And if seeing Chad naked isn't reason enough to hate Valentine's Day, Jared doesn't know what is.
12. But even worse than seeing Chad naked, is the fact that Chad always picks Jared when they play truth or dare. Not that they play it a lot, or anything. And Chad's dares are always retarded. Like once, Chad dared Jared to call his Momma and, well, Jared refuses to talk about the rest of the dare or what happened when he went through with it. So whenever Chad picks Jared for truth or dare, Jared always picks truth. It's like a rule. Only tonight, when Chad picks Jared and Jared picks truth, Chad looks surprised and he and Mike and Chris exchange a look. And in the back of Jared's Jager-fuzzy mind, he thinks that maybe something's going on that he's out of the loop on.
"I said truth, you douchebag!"
"You can't pick truth," Chad says. "It's a fucking rule, dude."
"Dude, no it's not," Jensen says. And Chris elbows him. And now Jared knows there's something going on. And he thinks maybe Jensen's out of the loop too.
"Truth, dude, " Jared says, sticking to his guns.
"Fine..." And now Chad's looking kind of nervous. And Chris is glaring at him. "Fine, dude. Truth. Why haven't you fucked Jensen yet?"
And Rosenbaum and Tommy are laughing and Chris says something that sounds like, "You stupid son of a bitch!" And Jared's pretty sure it's directed at Chad. And Jensen looks kind of bewildered. And all Jared knows is that he has to get gone, right the fuck now.
13. Jared makes it outside and he throws up. And now he remembers why he hates Jager.
14. He also remembers why he hates Chad, so he aims for Chad's car and spills his guts. He's still dry-heaving when Chris saunters out.
"You allright, son?"
15. And Jared fucking hates the way Chris calls everyone son, so he shoots him the finger and attempts to stand upright.
"Listen. Your friend's a fucking idiot," Chris says.
"Excuse me?" Jared asks.
"Murray."
"Oh. Yea." That's the fucking truth, but Jared's not sure what that has to do with Chris.
And then Chris is telling Jared that he's a pussy and Jared thinks it's about time he put the Jager bottle to good use, except he must have left the bottle inside, because his hands are both empty. And then Chris says it's about time he man up and tell Jensen how he feels already and Jared has to ask him to repeat himself. Because, what? Is Chris trying to set Jared up with Jensen? And there are more words, but Jared doesn't really hear them, because the door opens and Mike and Chad practically throw Jensen out into the yard. And Jensen looks almost as confused as Jared is until Chris pats him on the back and says, "Happy Valentines day, Jenny boy!" and saunters back inside, locking the door behind him.
"What the fuck is going on?" Jared asks and he thinks maybe Jensen is blushing, or maybe it's just his imagination.
"I'm sorry, man. Chris gets a little carried away sometimes, especially when he thinks he's doing me a favor."
"Doing you a...wait, what?" And then Jensen is moving closer and Jared's too busy thinking about Jensen's lips to be confused.
"I'm gonna kiss you now, allright?" Jensen asks.
"Yeah. No! Wait!" Jared pulls a piece of gum out of his pocket and stuffs it into his mouth.
Jensen laughs. "That better not be spearmint! I fucking hate spearmint." And then his mouth is on Jared's and Jared thinks maybe Valentine's day is the best holiday ever!
And from the window, Chris and Mike and Chad congratulate themselves -they're practically fucking cupid, Chad says- and they break out the good weed.
Author: Elissa
Pairing: Jared/Jensen (With Chris, Mayhem, Rosenbaum, Tommy and Jeff)
Rating: R
Summary: But really, Jared can't remember anymore why he hates Jager so much and breaking the bottle seems like a sad idea, so he just joins the circle and watches Mike dare Chad to wear Kenzie's underwear on his head. Kenzie isn't wearing underwear, which, go figure, so Mike dares Chad to run around the room naked. And if seeing Chad naked isn't reason enough to hate Valentine's Day, Jared doesn't know what is.
Author's Notes: Not betaed, because I just wrote it and wanted to post it before Valentine's Day was over. Sort of schmoopy/cracky J-Squared. Thanks to clex_monkie89 for enabling! She wins at everything ever! And thanks to jewels667 who is the best roommate ever!
Disclaimer: I don't know them. None of this is real. Blah, blah, blah.
Reason # 1: Mike Rosenbaum likes it. And anything that Mike likes automatically becomes the Center Of The Universe and everyone in Mike's sphere of orbit is expected to revolve around it. Revolving around Mike's Valentine's Day obsession requires attending a huge Valentine's Day drunkfest/semi-orgy. And attending the party requires bringing a date. Requires is not a term used loosely. No one gets in the door unless they've got a hottie on their arm.
2. Jared's idea of a hottie date is Jensen.
3. Jensen's idea of a hottie date is Chris Kane.
4. Sandy, Jared's second-choice-hottie-date, doesn't believe in Valentine's Day. And even if she did, Sandy fucking hates Mike. So Jared always ends up going with Chad, who always ends up rolling on E and trying to molest some poor innocent by-stander, who always ends up being someone Jared knows. And then Jared ends up spending the entire night apologizing for Chad and picking him up off the floor and carting him home when he passes out. And Chad always passes out right before Mike breaks out the really good weed. And Jared's seen how touchy-feely Jensen gets when he's high and he just knows that asshat Chis gets to be on the receiving end of Jensen's grabby hands.
5. Last year, Chad brought Sophia and Jared had to go with Alexis, who is quite possibly the most boring human being on the planet, not to mention a lightweight. She got drunk off of two glasses of wine and puked on Jared's shoes. Jared had to take her home early, missing the best parts of the party again. And the worst part? Chad was a perfect gentleman the whole night. He didn't get wasted and he didn't once touch anyone inappropriately. Probably because he knew Sophia would kick his ass.
6. This year, Chad's bringing Kenzie and Jared really hopes the cops don't show up and arrest them all for providing alcohol to a minor. Jared runs through his entire list of potential hotties looking for another date and comes up blank, so he asks his sister.
7. His sister says no and Jensen doesn't think it's funny when Jared asks for his sister's number, even though he's mostly kidding. The network sends them both big boxes of candy and in retaliation for the sister thing, Jensen eats all of Jared's.
8. Jared gets stuck going with Jeff, who's made it perfectly clear that he intends to ditch Jared as soon as they get there. And on top of that, Jared stupidly agreed when Jensen suggested that they all ride together, so now Chris and Jensen are crammed into his back seat, sitting way too close for comfort. Jensen looks fucking orgasmic and Chris is tracing patterns on the back of his neck with the pad of his thumb and Jared's so busy watching them in the rear-view mirror that he almost hits a puppy. He's so cranky, he almost wishes he hadn't missed. The killing would have been therapeutic.
9. By the time they get to Mike's, he's out of fucking liquor except for Jager. And Jared fucking hates Jager. He always throws up like, two hours in. Not to mention the fact that Jager hangovers are the fucking worst! And if Jeff hadn't taken all damn night to get ready, maybe they would have gotten there in time for Jared to snag a bottle of tequila. But fuck if Jared's going to suffer through this event sober, so he grabs a bottle and stuffs himself in a corner to brood.
10. Apparently Chris-fucking-Kane is, like, God's gift to the world. Because within minutes of their arrival, he's got Mike and Chad hanging all over him and Jared's stuck listening to Welling talk about competitive horse riding. Which, what the fuck? If he has to watch Tommy draw one more diagram explaining fence jumping, he's going to stab someone.
11. And then, the crowd thins and Mike calls for a game of truth or dare. Jared fucking hates truth or dare, but Chris is grinning like it's the best idea in the world and Jensen is laughing at him and Jared thinks about stabbing Chris with the jager bottle. But really, Jared can't remember anymore why he hates jager so much and breaking the bottle seems like a sad idea, so he just joins the circle and watches Mike dare Chad to wear Kenzie's underwear on his head. Kenzie isn't wearing underwear, which, go figure, so Mike dares Chad to run around the room naked. And if seeing Chad naked isn't reason enough to hate Valentine's Day, Jared doesn't know what is.
12. But even worse than seeing Chad naked, is the fact that Chad always picks Jared when they play truth or dare. Not that they play it a lot, or anything. And Chad's dares are always retarded. Like once, Chad dared Jared to call his Momma and, well, Jared refuses to talk about the rest of the dare or what happened when he went through with it. So whenever Chad picks Jared for truth or dare, Jared always picks truth. It's like a rule. Only tonight, when Chad picks Jared and Jared picks truth, Chad looks surprised and he and Mike and Chris exchange a look. And in the back of Jared's Jager-fuzzy mind, he thinks that maybe something's going on that he's out of the loop on.
"I said truth, you douchebag!"
"You can't pick truth," Chad says. "It's a fucking rule, dude."
"Dude, no it's not," Jensen says. And Chris elbows him. And now Jared knows there's something going on. And he thinks maybe Jensen's out of the loop too.
"Truth, dude, " Jared says, sticking to his guns.
"Fine..." And now Chad's looking kind of nervous. And Chris is glaring at him. "Fine, dude. Truth. Why haven't you fucked Jensen yet?"
And Rosenbaum and Tommy are laughing and Chris says something that sounds like, "You stupid son of a bitch!" And Jared's pretty sure it's directed at Chad. And Jensen looks kind of bewildered. And all Jared knows is that he has to get gone, right the fuck now.
13. Jared makes it outside and he throws up. And now he remembers why he hates Jager.
14. He also remembers why he hates Chad, so he aims for Chad's car and spills his guts. He's still dry-heaving when Chris saunters out.
"You allright, son?"
15. And Jared fucking hates the way Chris calls everyone son, so he shoots him the finger and attempts to stand upright.
"Listen. Your friend's a fucking idiot," Chris says.
"Excuse me?" Jared asks.
"Murray."
"Oh. Yea." That's the fucking truth, but Jared's not sure what that has to do with Chris.
And then Chris is telling Jared that he's a pussy and Jared thinks it's about time he put the Jager bottle to good use, except he must have left the bottle inside, because his hands are both empty. And then Chris says it's about time he man up and tell Jensen how he feels already and Jared has to ask him to repeat himself. Because, what? Is Chris trying to set Jared up with Jensen? And there are more words, but Jared doesn't really hear them, because the door opens and Mike and Chad practically throw Jensen out into the yard. And Jensen looks almost as confused as Jared is until Chris pats him on the back and says, "Happy Valentines day, Jenny boy!" and saunters back inside, locking the door behind him.
"What the fuck is going on?" Jared asks and he thinks maybe Jensen is blushing, or maybe it's just his imagination.
"I'm sorry, man. Chris gets a little carried away sometimes, especially when he thinks he's doing me a favor."
"Doing you a...wait, what?" And then Jensen is moving closer and Jared's too busy thinking about Jensen's lips to be confused.
"I'm gonna kiss you now, allright?" Jensen asks.
"Yeah. No! Wait!" Jared pulls a piece of gum out of his pocket and stuffs it into his mouth.
Jensen laughs. "That better not be spearmint! I fucking hate spearmint." And then his mouth is on Jared's and Jared thinks maybe Valentine's day is the best holiday ever!
And from the window, Chris and Mike and Chad congratulate themselves -they're practically fucking cupid, Chad says- and they break out the good weed.