Fic: Behind Closed Doors, Sam, PG Missing Scene Episode 1x10 - Asylum
Episode: Asylum 1x10
Title: Behind Closed Doors
Submission Type: Fic
Author: lissa-ann
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: What did Sam tell Dr. Ellicott after all?
"Sam, let's cut the bull shall we? You're avoiding the subject." Dr. Ellicott leaned in.
What subject?"
"You. Now I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you all about the Roosevelt riot if you tell me something honest about yourself. Like, uh, this brother you're road tripping with. How do you feel about him?"
Sam raised his eyebrows and sat speechless for a few minutes. He hadn't expected this. How in the hell was he supposed to answer a question like that? "Uh, well. He's my brother. So you know, love him, hate him."
"Any other siblings?"
"No. Just me and him."
"How about your mom and dad?"
"My mom was killed in a house fire when I was six months old. My dad...," Sam paused. "He's off hunting somewhere. He had left us a message that he was going to meet us here, but we haven't seen him yet."
"How long have you been on the road trip?"
"Um…got to be about five months or so now. We started in November."
"What were you doing before the road trip?"
Sam sat in the chair, silent. Did he really want to bring all of that up again, now that he had just barely begun to put it behind him? He realized this might be his only chance to tell someone, someone neutral. Dean didn't really want to talk about this and that was the crux of the matter. He couldn't really start to heal until he'd spoken about it.
He'd never tell Dean or his dad, but he had seen a counselor a couple of times at school when things got tough, usually around the anniversary. He never told Jess, either; he'd tell her that it was a study group and he'd tell his study group he wanted time with Jess. He found really did help to talk about it. But ingrained in him also was his dad's training about never telling the whole truth to anyone, lest they be figured out.
Sam took a deep breath. "I was in school. I was preparing to go to law school at Stanford."
"And you left mid-semester?"
"Dean, my brother, came to me asking for help after two years of no contact at all. I went with him. When he brought me back…something terrible happened. And then I left school."
"What happened, Sam?"
Sam sat back and closed his eyes. He could almost still smell the smoke and feel the heat of the fire. He couldn't erase the sight of Jessica on the ceiling, mouth open in a scream, flames licking around her hair, which was fanned out around her face. Sam felt himself tear up. "My girlfriend. She…," Sam let out a half sob, "was killed in a fire. A fire I could have saved her from."
"How could you have saved her, Sam?"
"I could have told her…. I could have been there instead of with Dean. She should have known."
Dr. Ellicott's face became concerned. "Told her what, Sam?"
Sam shook his head. "No. I can't go back there. This is too much."
"Do you blame Dean for what happened?"
Sam's thoughts warred within him. No, he didn't really blame Dean. Dean had needed him. But…it was Dean's fault he wasn't there. If he hadn't been with Dean… "Yes," Sam whispered. "It was his fault I wasn't there. Two years. Two years of no contact and…I can't imagine this was the only time Dad was missing in the past two years. Why?" He paused. "Oh, god. No. No. I can't blame him, he's my brother. It can't be his fault. It's mine."
"Why do you say that Sam?"
Sam shook his head and took a deep breath. "I need to pull myself together. Dean's waiting outside for me." Sam scrubbed his sleeve over his eyes. "Look, I've kept up my part of the deal. Tell me about the asylum."
"Sam I really think you need to talk about this more. How about coming back to see me later this week?"
Sam sniffled. "We're…probably not going to be here then. We'll probably be on the road again."
"Sam, I think it's crucial you talk to someone about this. You have a lot of grief and guilt that you need to work through."
"I'll. I'll think about it."
"It's not too late to talk about it now."
"No. I can't. I need to get back out to Dean who's waiting for me. Can you just give me the information?"
So reluctantly, Dr. Ellicott gave Sam the story of the riot. Sam pulled himself together as he listened and then headed out the door to Dean.
"Dude, you were in there forever. What the hell were you talking about?"
Without even blinking, Sam pulled the walls closed and told Dean about the asylum.
Title: Behind Closed Doors
Submission Type: Fic
Author: lissa-ann
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: What did Sam tell Dr. Ellicott after all?
"Sam, let's cut the bull shall we? You're avoiding the subject." Dr. Ellicott leaned in.
What subject?"
"You. Now I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you all about the Roosevelt riot if you tell me something honest about yourself. Like, uh, this brother you're road tripping with. How do you feel about him?"
Sam raised his eyebrows and sat speechless for a few minutes. He hadn't expected this. How in the hell was he supposed to answer a question like that? "Uh, well. He's my brother. So you know, love him, hate him."
"Any other siblings?"
"No. Just me and him."
"How about your mom and dad?"
"My mom was killed in a house fire when I was six months old. My dad...," Sam paused. "He's off hunting somewhere. He had left us a message that he was going to meet us here, but we haven't seen him yet."
"How long have you been on the road trip?"
"Um…got to be about five months or so now. We started in November."
"What were you doing before the road trip?"
Sam sat in the chair, silent. Did he really want to bring all of that up again, now that he had just barely begun to put it behind him? He realized this might be his only chance to tell someone, someone neutral. Dean didn't really want to talk about this and that was the crux of the matter. He couldn't really start to heal until he'd spoken about it.
He'd never tell Dean or his dad, but he had seen a counselor a couple of times at school when things got tough, usually around the anniversary. He never told Jess, either; he'd tell her that it was a study group and he'd tell his study group he wanted time with Jess. He found really did help to talk about it. But ingrained in him also was his dad's training about never telling the whole truth to anyone, lest they be figured out.
Sam took a deep breath. "I was in school. I was preparing to go to law school at Stanford."
"And you left mid-semester?"
"Dean, my brother, came to me asking for help after two years of no contact at all. I went with him. When he brought me back…something terrible happened. And then I left school."
"What happened, Sam?"
Sam sat back and closed his eyes. He could almost still smell the smoke and feel the heat of the fire. He couldn't erase the sight of Jessica on the ceiling, mouth open in a scream, flames licking around her hair, which was fanned out around her face. Sam felt himself tear up. "My girlfriend. She…," Sam let out a half sob, "was killed in a fire. A fire I could have saved her from."
"How could you have saved her, Sam?"
"I could have told her…. I could have been there instead of with Dean. She should have known."
Dr. Ellicott's face became concerned. "Told her what, Sam?"
Sam shook his head. "No. I can't go back there. This is too much."
"Do you blame Dean for what happened?"
Sam's thoughts warred within him. No, he didn't really blame Dean. Dean had needed him. But…it was Dean's fault he wasn't there. If he hadn't been with Dean… "Yes," Sam whispered. "It was his fault I wasn't there. Two years. Two years of no contact and…I can't imagine this was the only time Dad was missing in the past two years. Why?" He paused. "Oh, god. No. No. I can't blame him, he's my brother. It can't be his fault. It's mine."
"Why do you say that Sam?"
Sam shook his head and took a deep breath. "I need to pull myself together. Dean's waiting outside for me." Sam scrubbed his sleeve over his eyes. "Look, I've kept up my part of the deal. Tell me about the asylum."
"Sam I really think you need to talk about this more. How about coming back to see me later this week?"
Sam sniffled. "We're…probably not going to be here then. We'll probably be on the road again."
"Sam, I think it's crucial you talk to someone about this. You have a lot of grief and guilt that you need to work through."
"I'll. I'll think about it."
"It's not too late to talk about it now."
"No. I can't. I need to get back out to Dean who's waiting for me. Can you just give me the information?"
So reluctantly, Dr. Ellicott gave Sam the story of the riot. Sam pulled himself together as he listened and then headed out the door to Dean.
"Dude, you were in there forever. What the hell were you talking about?"
Without even blinking, Sam pulled the walls closed and told Dean about the asylum.