from the notebook julia gave me for christmas
title: from the notebook julia gave me for christmas
word count: 3331
summary: i hate most of these now but whatever; i should save them
dd/mm/yy
22/12/13
when it comes to instant noodles,
she wants more noodles than soup
and he wants more soup than noodles
and when they split the pot,
it works out perfectly.
and it’s a weird thing
to base anything on really
but he thinks they’ll be alright
(what I said at the time: I don’t know what that was. I was just eating instant noodles. And then yeah. I don’t know. That was weird. I don’t know about the format either. What a way to begin this notebook. With noodles. Oh well.)
(what I have to say now: this is still really weird but I like it.)
23/12/13
It was unnaturally warm for December that was both pleasant and concerning. Pleasant because it wasn’t so cold that every single layer of clothing had to be zipped up with gloves stuffed into pockets’ concerning because there was the question of would there be snow come Christmas day? Because there just has to be.
(what I said at the time: because it was so warm snow melted today.)
(what I have to say now: and it’s the end of may now and it’s been cold and rainy and gross for the last week while it was twenty degrees + in celsius just last week weather is stupid.)
24/12/13
“And the tree stood twenty feet tall with lights and decorations and snow fell from the ceiling but it didn’t get on the food at all. And everyone was discussing gifts and going home for the holidays or sticking around school. And magic was really everywhere and everyone was always in high spirits no matter what.”
“It was all very wonderful.”
“And I’ll see that too?”
“Once you’re old enough, dear.”
So they tucked their children into bed and the kids smiled and closed their eyes dreaming of a grand, magical, great hall celebrating Christmas.
As their father closed the door, he absently touched the scar on his forehead and turned out the lights. “Merry Christmas.”
(what I said at the time: I saw a picture on Tumblr of the Great Hall of Hogwarts decorated for Christmas.)
(what I have to say now: a harry potter fanfiction really why this probably isn’t even accurate.)
(interlude:
everybody has a secret world inside of them
all of the people of the world,
I mean everybody.
no matter how dull and boring
they are on the outside,
inside them they’ve all got
unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful,
stupid, amazing worlds.
not just one world.
hundreds of them.
thousands, maybe.
-neil gaiman)
24/12/13
As soon as the first spoonful of cereal touched her tongue, she clamped a hand over her mouth to prevent herself from spitting it out. She managed to swallow the sludge and wrinkled her nose as it slid down her throat, setting her spoon down gingerly.
“I’ve lost my appetite,” she declared firmly, pushing the bowl of cereal away from her. “That was disgusting.”
Her mother frowned disapprovingly, leaning over to look at the contents of the bowl. “Why did you choose it then?”
The girl pouted slightly, sliding her chair back a bit. She looked at the pastel coloured cereal dissolving in the milk she had added. The colours were swirling around each other, not even blending together; it was a rainbow of breakfast cereal. “They’re so pretty,” she muttered as her pout deepened considerably. “I mean, look at the colours!”
(She ignored her mother’s knowing smile as she carried the bowl away.)
(what I said at the time: based off of: “That’s always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfast cereals based on colour instead of taste. - John Green.)
(what I have to say now: I remember thinking this was really stupid after I wrote it and I still think it’s really stupid but it makes me think of Lucky Charms even though I really like Lucky Charms.)
24/12/13
It seems that the people who say it’s good to be different are either trying to convince themselves or are the ones lucky enough to be praised for whatever it is that sets them apart from everyone else.
(what I said at the time: it’s one in the morning and i’m writing. it’s christmas eve. and i’m listening to peter pan by exo-m. on repeat.)
(what I have to say now: I remember staying up late listening to that song a lot. It sounds better in Mandarin than Korean - personal opinion, and this thing is still a personal opinion and I still agree with it.)
24/12/13
I have a handcrafted wooden clock that hasn’t been touched in at least a year and a half even though it’s been on the wall for at least that long. I don’t know why I stopped using it. Was it annoying or was it too tiring to reset the weights? It just looks pretty now.
(what I said at the time: the clock is from germany, I think. the time is stopped at 8:34 - roughly. time stopping and this peter pan song makes me feel sad because I feel sorry for peter pan. he must get lonely and one day maybe he realized he wanted to grow up but he had no one to do that with and that makes me feel sad. but I am totally and completely unprepared for 2014 let alone high school or anything else. I made myself sad and kind of scared now. Maybe I should go to sleep. It’s been Christmas Eve for an hour now.)
(what I have to say now: It is a pretty clock. And I’m still scared about high school because everyone’s getting split up and I don’t have good social skills.)
24/12/13
why do people feel better when they hear they had no chance versus having a chance and screwing up? it makes the whole thing with trying and attempts and chances look very black and white.
(what I said at the time: maybe I should go to sleep. where did I put my journal? a lot of this seemed better suited for my journal.)
(what I have to say now: I should get back to writing in my journal.)
(interlude:
tumblr post:
People are so fucking dumb. Nobody reads anymore, nobody goes out and looks and explores the society and culture they were brought up in. People have the attention span of five seconds and have as much depth as a glass of water.)
24/12/13
She fell asleep in front of the television. The screen was flashing images but she had just been using it to illuminate the pages of her book as she read. When her eyes drifted shut and her body relaxed, the book didn’t fall. He doubted she would let it, even in her unconscious state, but he took it out of her hands anyways, setting it on the table. And he turned the television off even though it was at the climax of the show and carried her to bed. He ended up going back for the book and slipping it into her open hands and she subconsciously gripped it loosely. He was satisfied so he left the room and closed the door. Three quarters of the way to the frame just how she liked it and retreated to his own room.
(what I said at the time: aka goodnight because i’m going to try to sleep now. bye.)
(what I have to say now: I say that I’m going to sleep all the time but then I don’t for another few hours.)
24/12/13
She hated surprises and secrets and yet, she had that nervous, excited jumping feeling in her chest and in her stomach as she looked at the spread of delicately wrapped boxes underneath the Christmas tree.
(what I said at the time: I didn’t go to sleep until 4am and slept until 11am.)
(what I have to say now: Last weekend I went to sleep at 4am and woke up at 8:30.)
(interlude:
“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”
-Neil Gaiman)
(interlude:
“People think that dreams aren’t real just because they aren’t made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories, and puns and lost hopes.”
-Neil Gaiman)
24/12/13
2014 is a week away and right about now is when people are going to start compiling a list of resolutions that they probably won’t keep.
I believe resolutions and possibly trivial goals like it are stupid and unnecessary because most people lack the resolve to go through with them. Most people feel obligated to fulfill their resolutions and once the end of the year comes, they feel down and dejected.
I believe everyone should have a bucket list because the time frame is all the time you could possibly have and they are musts’ they’re hopes and dreams and possibilities and even though they might not end up actually happening, it’s nice to have an idea of where to go.
I believe aspirations are important because everyone already is someone and they should all be able to become someone else while staying the same person because they’ll have hopefully achieved something they wanted. A long term goal. But not necessarily a definite one.
Goals and hopes and dreams and aspirations shouldn’t be forced, shouldn’t be pressured, shouldn’t be necessary. Because there is always the possibility of failure regardless of effort and qualifications and connections and having need-to-do goals is just a set up for disappointment for everyone save for a select few.
Which is sad.
But I believe it’s the truth.
(what I have to say now: It seems I got really philosophical and stuff at New Year’s.)
25/12/13
She's lying down on her back and her shoulder blades are pressing uncomfortably into the hard cement of the sidewalk. Her fingers tap along the edges of a crack in the sidewalk, a few weeds getting caught in the snags on her fingernails. Her eyes are wide open and her pupils are as big as they possibly can be in the dim light of the street lamps along the neighbourhood street. None of the lights in any of the houses are on and somewhere, there's a train flying through the night whistling and announcing its presence by its horn. She taps the tips of her boots together and wishes that she could actually see the stars for once.
(what I said at the time: I got a ballpoint gel pen for Christmas. And refills. And a 400 page journal. And other stuff too.)
(what I have to say now: I was sad when I used up that pen but I think I was really proud of this paragraph when I originally wrote it.)
25/12/13
I think I might have too many notebooks.
Some of them are completely filled and some of them are cut off partway through. A few have just a few pages filled partially in and some only have my name penned in on the first page in messy handwriting. And some have disjointed records of my life and overthought revelations while others are unreadable. Some of embarrassingly simple fictional characters and plotlines and stupid stickers pasted across the covers.
And they pile up on my desk with a mess of pens and pencils and markers and they make me look a lot lazier and messier than I think I really am.
I won’t throw any out but I think I should start organizing and putting a few away.
(what I have to say now: I can’t even carry all my notebooks at once now; they’re all in a box in my room and this description still applies and they’re a mess and they’re everywhere and I still want to buy more.)
25/12/13
I wish I was one of those people whose minds are overflowing with brand new ideas. Clearly, I’m not.
(what I have to say now: Then why did I write so much around Christmas time seriously.)
25/12/13
Parallel lines show that just because you might be going in the same direction as someone else, you won’t end up in the same place together.
(what I have to say now: ninety percent sure this is from tumblr.)
25/12/13
Sitting with her back against the wall, she wondered; because when there’s nothing else left to distract the mind, it is left to wonder. She began with the naïve and innocence filled wonders of the reasons for world hunger and world war and unrest and miscommunication. Then she wondered why she wondered and skipped over all of these other phases of life’s wondering and she wondered why she wasn’t like her friends who could distract themselves blindly and easily with the simplest of things. They could pass the time so easily, whereas she was left to her own devices, unable to be taken away from her thoughts for long. Even sleep evaded her as she churned out disjointed thought processes and stitched them back together in a different order.
She pushed herself onto her feet, vaguely reminding herself for the umpteenth time that she really should pick up a sport of start exercising or something, and went straight to her laptop, back to the show she had walked away from.
(what I have to say now: I remember this happening and I don’t remember the show. I think I seriously just got up and went and sat in the bathroom for a few minutes.)
25/12/13
I don’t think the world could function without competition. Most people don’t see themselves as their competition, instead projecting those news onto others. Therefore, without competition,
(what I have to say now: This makes me think of the unit on economy we just did. Market economy.)
1/1/14
One could call what he has insomnia, but he likes to think of it as a bad habit. He’d never been calm enough to fall asleep at a reasonable time and he’d always been distracted by the living nightmares and the voices (or rather, the one voice.) Never in his life had he ever been able to keep a constant bedtime, but no one else knew that.
He was used to being kept up by things he’d only thought to be stories, by monsters crawling into his bed, by shadows moving across the wall. Still, he would never be accustomed to the panic attacks or the harsh, cutting words.
In other words, he had been sleep deprived since the day he was born.
In some ways, heading off to university was a blessing. Sure, he had to move into a dorm room, away from his mother, but he also got away from that damned haunted room. For the first time in his life, he actually got enough sleep.
It was nice, but it was lonely.
(His roommate didn’t even breathe heavily enough to relieve the silence when he lay awake waiting for drowsiness.)
He stayed away from morning classes, because he anticipated the late nights. A smart move. One he was especially proud of when his roommate came back one day grumbling about early mornings. It was endlessly amusing to see cranky students stumbling around while he was well rested.
He was used to talking to someone before sleeping. He couldn’t do that anymore (How ironic was it that his roommate fell asleep in a few minutes easily?) He was used to being scared into slumber or simply trying to get away - away from -
But there was nothing left to be scared of and it bothered him a lot more than it should have.
And damn it, he missed that stupid, idiotic, terrifying demon way more than he should have.
(what I said at the time: oops it turned into another ‘shadow’ story. it was unintentional i swear. happy new year it’s 2014.)
(what I have to say now: Shadow was my baby for a few months there. But I like this better than the actual story.)
2/1/14
I remember when I literally couldn’t comprehend how someone couldn’t try at something because I didn’t get how people didn’t enjoy school. I still can’t understand how someone can knowingly hurt someone’s feelings and not apologize or feel bad about it. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
(what I have to say now: Still relevant.)
2/1/14
There are lots of things that I want to do, but so many more things that I’m not sure if I can.
I want to skydive and bungee jump and climb mountains and visit places but will I be able to afford it? Will I have the time? The courage? (I hope so.)
(what I have to say now: I probably would have never thought about skydiving if it weren’t for Mr. F to be honest. Still relevant.)
(interlude:
if you’re laying in bed
wrapped up in sheets
of miserable thought
go to sleep
if thumbing through old messages
only causes your heart to ache
and long for something unattainable
erase them
if it hurts to keep
everything you’re feeling
bottled up inside
let it out
if you’re clinging onto someone
that doesn’t treat you like
you’re worth the world
let them go
because sometimes
we choose to believe
that things are only
indistinguishable shades of gray
when in reality,
life is more black and white
than it seems
if you’re unhappy
with the way
you are living your life
change it
-madison kuhn
m.k.)
6/1/14
Belated New Year’s Resolutions
1. get more sleep
2. write more consistently
3. 90%+ averages in school
4. stop procrastinating
5. practice piano properly
6. eat healthier
7. finally do yoga w/ julia
8. ski more
9. spend less time on youtube and tumblr
10. learn how to plan and make use of it
11. try to be more positive
12. drink more water
13. pick up a sport or something - exercise
14. be more social in real life
15. add more to that collection of letters to birthday me
16. improve writing/printing (maybe?)
17. stay organized
18. save money
19. read more
20. get better at guitar
21. stop being jealous
22. take more pictures
23. stop overcomplicating things
24. stop saving so many pictures of celebrities
25. stop being afraid of looking like a loner
26. donate some
27. volunteer more
28. practice music theory
29. stop sneaking/hiding snacks
30. stop eating in class
31. participate more in school
(what I said at the time: this just kind of turned into a lot of things I should just do overall.)
(what I have to say now: I think number 3 was maintained at the end of Term 1 but science and social have both dropped into the 80s now. 6 has happened. So has 12. And 20. And 22 and 25 kind of. 27 and 28. So 8 out of 31. About a quarter of them.)
8/2/14
Jongdae’s apartment smells like Jongdae, like old, cheap laundry detergent and burnt food and frustration over work and his snapback collection and his favourite songs he hums every spare second of the day.
But his car has the scent of rain and moth-eaten jackets and fresh air filtered in the windows and dusty sunlight illuminating the backseat. The memories others had left behind in the hasty escape to and from anything and it was there in that worn in backseat that didn’t smell like Jongdae in his car with an empty gas tank seven hours away from home and seventeen miles from the closest town that two almost strangers united by an impromptu road trip fell asleep.
(what I said at the time: oops a fanfiction of three run on sentences oops maybe or maybe not based off another fanfic I read oops who cares.)
(what I have to say now: I feel vaguely embarrassed about this.)
word count: 3331
summary: i hate most of these now but whatever; i should save them
dd/mm/yy
22/12/13
when it comes to instant noodles,
she wants more noodles than soup
and he wants more soup than noodles
and when they split the pot,
it works out perfectly.
and it’s a weird thing
to base anything on really
but he thinks they’ll be alright
(what I said at the time: I don’t know what that was. I was just eating instant noodles. And then yeah. I don’t know. That was weird. I don’t know about the format either. What a way to begin this notebook. With noodles. Oh well.)
(what I have to say now: this is still really weird but I like it.)
23/12/13
It was unnaturally warm for December that was both pleasant and concerning. Pleasant because it wasn’t so cold that every single layer of clothing had to be zipped up with gloves stuffed into pockets’ concerning because there was the question of would there be snow come Christmas day? Because there just has to be.
(what I said at the time: because it was so warm snow melted today.)
(what I have to say now: and it’s the end of may now and it’s been cold and rainy and gross for the last week while it was twenty degrees + in celsius just last week weather is stupid.)
24/12/13
“And the tree stood twenty feet tall with lights and decorations and snow fell from the ceiling but it didn’t get on the food at all. And everyone was discussing gifts and going home for the holidays or sticking around school. And magic was really everywhere and everyone was always in high spirits no matter what.”
“It was all very wonderful.”
“And I’ll see that too?”
“Once you’re old enough, dear.”
So they tucked their children into bed and the kids smiled and closed their eyes dreaming of a grand, magical, great hall celebrating Christmas.
As their father closed the door, he absently touched the scar on his forehead and turned out the lights. “Merry Christmas.”
(what I said at the time: I saw a picture on Tumblr of the Great Hall of Hogwarts decorated for Christmas.)
(what I have to say now: a harry potter fanfiction really why this probably isn’t even accurate.)
(interlude:
everybody has a secret world inside of them
all of the people of the world,
I mean everybody.
no matter how dull and boring
they are on the outside,
inside them they’ve all got
unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful,
stupid, amazing worlds.
not just one world.
hundreds of them.
thousands, maybe.
-neil gaiman)
24/12/13
As soon as the first spoonful of cereal touched her tongue, she clamped a hand over her mouth to prevent herself from spitting it out. She managed to swallow the sludge and wrinkled her nose as it slid down her throat, setting her spoon down gingerly.
“I’ve lost my appetite,” she declared firmly, pushing the bowl of cereal away from her. “That was disgusting.”
Her mother frowned disapprovingly, leaning over to look at the contents of the bowl. “Why did you choose it then?”
The girl pouted slightly, sliding her chair back a bit. She looked at the pastel coloured cereal dissolving in the milk she had added. The colours were swirling around each other, not even blending together; it was a rainbow of breakfast cereal. “They’re so pretty,” she muttered as her pout deepened considerably. “I mean, look at the colours!”
(She ignored her mother’s knowing smile as she carried the bowl away.)
(what I said at the time: based off of: “That’s always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfast cereals based on colour instead of taste. - John Green.)
(what I have to say now: I remember thinking this was really stupid after I wrote it and I still think it’s really stupid but it makes me think of Lucky Charms even though I really like Lucky Charms.)
24/12/13
It seems that the people who say it’s good to be different are either trying to convince themselves or are the ones lucky enough to be praised for whatever it is that sets them apart from everyone else.
(what I said at the time: it’s one in the morning and i’m writing. it’s christmas eve. and i’m listening to peter pan by exo-m. on repeat.)
(what I have to say now: I remember staying up late listening to that song a lot. It sounds better in Mandarin than Korean - personal opinion, and this thing is still a personal opinion and I still agree with it.)
24/12/13
I have a handcrafted wooden clock that hasn’t been touched in at least a year and a half even though it’s been on the wall for at least that long. I don’t know why I stopped using it. Was it annoying or was it too tiring to reset the weights? It just looks pretty now.
(what I said at the time: the clock is from germany, I think. the time is stopped at 8:34 - roughly. time stopping and this peter pan song makes me feel sad because I feel sorry for peter pan. he must get lonely and one day maybe he realized he wanted to grow up but he had no one to do that with and that makes me feel sad. but I am totally and completely unprepared for 2014 let alone high school or anything else. I made myself sad and kind of scared now. Maybe I should go to sleep. It’s been Christmas Eve for an hour now.)
(what I have to say now: It is a pretty clock. And I’m still scared about high school because everyone’s getting split up and I don’t have good social skills.)
24/12/13
why do people feel better when they hear they had no chance versus having a chance and screwing up? it makes the whole thing with trying and attempts and chances look very black and white.
(what I said at the time: maybe I should go to sleep. where did I put my journal? a lot of this seemed better suited for my journal.)
(what I have to say now: I should get back to writing in my journal.)
(interlude:
tumblr post:
People are so fucking dumb. Nobody reads anymore, nobody goes out and looks and explores the society and culture they were brought up in. People have the attention span of five seconds and have as much depth as a glass of water.)
24/12/13
She fell asleep in front of the television. The screen was flashing images but she had just been using it to illuminate the pages of her book as she read. When her eyes drifted shut and her body relaxed, the book didn’t fall. He doubted she would let it, even in her unconscious state, but he took it out of her hands anyways, setting it on the table. And he turned the television off even though it was at the climax of the show and carried her to bed. He ended up going back for the book and slipping it into her open hands and she subconsciously gripped it loosely. He was satisfied so he left the room and closed the door. Three quarters of the way to the frame just how she liked it and retreated to his own room.
(what I said at the time: aka goodnight because i’m going to try to sleep now. bye.)
(what I have to say now: I say that I’m going to sleep all the time but then I don’t for another few hours.)
24/12/13
She hated surprises and secrets and yet, she had that nervous, excited jumping feeling in her chest and in her stomach as she looked at the spread of delicately wrapped boxes underneath the Christmas tree.
(what I said at the time: I didn’t go to sleep until 4am and slept until 11am.)
(what I have to say now: Last weekend I went to sleep at 4am and woke up at 8:30.)
(interlude:
“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”
-Neil Gaiman)
(interlude:
“People think that dreams aren’t real just because they aren’t made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories, and puns and lost hopes.”
-Neil Gaiman)
24/12/13
2014 is a week away and right about now is when people are going to start compiling a list of resolutions that they probably won’t keep.
I believe resolutions and possibly trivial goals like it are stupid and unnecessary because most people lack the resolve to go through with them. Most people feel obligated to fulfill their resolutions and once the end of the year comes, they feel down and dejected.
I believe everyone should have a bucket list because the time frame is all the time you could possibly have and they are musts’ they’re hopes and dreams and possibilities and even though they might not end up actually happening, it’s nice to have an idea of where to go.
I believe aspirations are important because everyone already is someone and they should all be able to become someone else while staying the same person because they’ll have hopefully achieved something they wanted. A long term goal. But not necessarily a definite one.
Goals and hopes and dreams and aspirations shouldn’t be forced, shouldn’t be pressured, shouldn’t be necessary. Because there is always the possibility of failure regardless of effort and qualifications and connections and having need-to-do goals is just a set up for disappointment for everyone save for a select few.
Which is sad.
But I believe it’s the truth.
(what I have to say now: It seems I got really philosophical and stuff at New Year’s.)
25/12/13
She's lying down on her back and her shoulder blades are pressing uncomfortably into the hard cement of the sidewalk. Her fingers tap along the edges of a crack in the sidewalk, a few weeds getting caught in the snags on her fingernails. Her eyes are wide open and her pupils are as big as they possibly can be in the dim light of the street lamps along the neighbourhood street. None of the lights in any of the houses are on and somewhere, there's a train flying through the night whistling and announcing its presence by its horn. She taps the tips of her boots together and wishes that she could actually see the stars for once.
(what I said at the time: I got a ballpoint gel pen for Christmas. And refills. And a 400 page journal. And other stuff too.)
(what I have to say now: I was sad when I used up that pen but I think I was really proud of this paragraph when I originally wrote it.)
25/12/13
I think I might have too many notebooks.
Some of them are completely filled and some of them are cut off partway through. A few have just a few pages filled partially in and some only have my name penned in on the first page in messy handwriting. And some have disjointed records of my life and overthought revelations while others are unreadable. Some of embarrassingly simple fictional characters and plotlines and stupid stickers pasted across the covers.
And they pile up on my desk with a mess of pens and pencils and markers and they make me look a lot lazier and messier than I think I really am.
I won’t throw any out but I think I should start organizing and putting a few away.
(what I have to say now: I can’t even carry all my notebooks at once now; they’re all in a box in my room and this description still applies and they’re a mess and they’re everywhere and I still want to buy more.)
25/12/13
I wish I was one of those people whose minds are overflowing with brand new ideas. Clearly, I’m not.
(what I have to say now: Then why did I write so much around Christmas time seriously.)
25/12/13
Parallel lines show that just because you might be going in the same direction as someone else, you won’t end up in the same place together.
(what I have to say now: ninety percent sure this is from tumblr.)
25/12/13
Sitting with her back against the wall, she wondered; because when there’s nothing else left to distract the mind, it is left to wonder. She began with the naïve and innocence filled wonders of the reasons for world hunger and world war and unrest and miscommunication. Then she wondered why she wondered and skipped over all of these other phases of life’s wondering and she wondered why she wasn’t like her friends who could distract themselves blindly and easily with the simplest of things. They could pass the time so easily, whereas she was left to her own devices, unable to be taken away from her thoughts for long. Even sleep evaded her as she churned out disjointed thought processes and stitched them back together in a different order.
She pushed herself onto her feet, vaguely reminding herself for the umpteenth time that she really should pick up a sport of start exercising or something, and went straight to her laptop, back to the show she had walked away from.
(what I have to say now: I remember this happening and I don’t remember the show. I think I seriously just got up and went and sat in the bathroom for a few minutes.)
25/12/13
I don’t think the world could function without competition. Most people don’t see themselves as their competition, instead projecting those news onto others. Therefore, without competition,
(what I have to say now: This makes me think of the unit on economy we just did. Market economy.)
1/1/14
One could call what he has insomnia, but he likes to think of it as a bad habit. He’d never been calm enough to fall asleep at a reasonable time and he’d always been distracted by the living nightmares and the voices (or rather, the one voice.) Never in his life had he ever been able to keep a constant bedtime, but no one else knew that.
He was used to being kept up by things he’d only thought to be stories, by monsters crawling into his bed, by shadows moving across the wall. Still, he would never be accustomed to the panic attacks or the harsh, cutting words.
In other words, he had been sleep deprived since the day he was born.
In some ways, heading off to university was a blessing. Sure, he had to move into a dorm room, away from his mother, but he also got away from that damned haunted room. For the first time in his life, he actually got enough sleep.
It was nice, but it was lonely.
(His roommate didn’t even breathe heavily enough to relieve the silence when he lay awake waiting for drowsiness.)
He stayed away from morning classes, because he anticipated the late nights. A smart move. One he was especially proud of when his roommate came back one day grumbling about early mornings. It was endlessly amusing to see cranky students stumbling around while he was well rested.
He was used to talking to someone before sleeping. He couldn’t do that anymore (How ironic was it that his roommate fell asleep in a few minutes easily?) He was used to being scared into slumber or simply trying to get away - away from -
But there was nothing left to be scared of and it bothered him a lot more than it should have.
And damn it, he missed that stupid, idiotic, terrifying demon way more than he should have.
(what I said at the time: oops it turned into another ‘shadow’ story. it was unintentional i swear. happy new year it’s 2014.)
(what I have to say now: Shadow was my baby for a few months there. But I like this better than the actual story.)
2/1/14
I remember when I literally couldn’t comprehend how someone couldn’t try at something because I didn’t get how people didn’t enjoy school. I still can’t understand how someone can knowingly hurt someone’s feelings and not apologize or feel bad about it. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
(what I have to say now: Still relevant.)
2/1/14
There are lots of things that I want to do, but so many more things that I’m not sure if I can.
I want to skydive and bungee jump and climb mountains and visit places but will I be able to afford it? Will I have the time? The courage? (I hope so.)
(what I have to say now: I probably would have never thought about skydiving if it weren’t for Mr. F to be honest. Still relevant.)
(interlude:
if you’re laying in bed
wrapped up in sheets
of miserable thought
go to sleep
if thumbing through old messages
only causes your heart to ache
and long for something unattainable
erase them
if it hurts to keep
everything you’re feeling
bottled up inside
let it out
if you’re clinging onto someone
that doesn’t treat you like
you’re worth the world
let them go
because sometimes
we choose to believe
that things are only
indistinguishable shades of gray
when in reality,
life is more black and white
than it seems
if you’re unhappy
with the way
you are living your life
change it
-madison kuhn
m.k.)
6/1/14
Belated New Year’s Resolutions
1. get more sleep
2. write more consistently
3. 90%+ averages in school
4. stop procrastinating
5. practice piano properly
6. eat healthier
7. finally do yoga w/ julia
8. ski more
9. spend less time on youtube and tumblr
10. learn how to plan and make use of it
11. try to be more positive
12. drink more water
13. pick up a sport or something - exercise
14. be more social in real life
15. add more to that collection of letters to birthday me
16. improve writing/printing (maybe?)
17. stay organized
18. save money
19. read more
20. get better at guitar
21. stop being jealous
22. take more pictures
23. stop overcomplicating things
24. stop saving so many pictures of celebrities
25. stop being afraid of looking like a loner
26. donate some
27. volunteer more
28. practice music theory
29. stop sneaking/hiding snacks
30. stop eating in class
31. participate more in school
(what I said at the time: this just kind of turned into a lot of things I should just do overall.)
(what I have to say now: I think number 3 was maintained at the end of Term 1 but science and social have both dropped into the 80s now. 6 has happened. So has 12. And 20. And 22 and 25 kind of. 27 and 28. So 8 out of 31. About a quarter of them.)
8/2/14
Jongdae’s apartment smells like Jongdae, like old, cheap laundry detergent and burnt food and frustration over work and his snapback collection and his favourite songs he hums every spare second of the day.
But his car has the scent of rain and moth-eaten jackets and fresh air filtered in the windows and dusty sunlight illuminating the backseat. The memories others had left behind in the hasty escape to and from anything and it was there in that worn in backseat that didn’t smell like Jongdae in his car with an empty gas tank seven hours away from home and seventeen miles from the closest town that two almost strangers united by an impromptu road trip fell asleep.
(what I said at the time: oops a fanfiction of three run on sentences oops maybe or maybe not based off another fanfic I read oops who cares.)
(what I have to say now: I feel vaguely embarrassed about this.)