2010Fest ♥ FIC: Muggle Studies (Part 6 of 6)
Title: Muggle Studies
Author: museme87
Rating: R
Wordcount: 37,900
Warnings: dark themes (racism, hazing, slight non-con), sexual situations
Prompt: 60. Write or draw a Lily and James interaction in their Sixth Year - i.e. after Snape's Worst Memory, but before Lily finally agrees to go out with James. There should be UST even while James is being a git and Lily is resisting him.
Summary: As the Voldemort War rages outside the castle, long standing prejudices begin to seep their way into Hogwarts. For a Muggle-born student, everyday life has become significantly more challenging as Lily Evans knows too well. And her new partnership with one James Potter isn't exactly making things easier, especially when she discovers he isn't quite the arrogant toerag she once thought he was.
Beta(s): liebedance & klose
Author's Notes: Firstly, I would like to apologize for the length of this fic. Secondly, I'd like to thank L for all the effort she put into beta reading this fic multiple times and for spoon feeding me the summary (I owe you my first born for this, L). Also, to Y, thanks for being my other, wonderful beta, partner-in-crime, and Brit-picker! I went a little out of control with the prompt, but I still hope you all enjoy.
[ Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6]
VI. A Change in the Status Quo
Two weeks after her altercation with Georgiana, Lily's spell-damaged arm still hadn't fully recovered. James had been right when he'd said she'd been hit with some sort of Dark Magic, and because of the nature of the spell, the healing process had been painfully slow. Final exams would be impossible in her current state, so Lily was spending as much of her free time as possible practicing her spellwork in empty classrooms.
She was having a particularly difficult time of it that night, her erratic wand motions conjuring up unintended spells. As one last Summoning Charm back fired on her, Lily decided that she'd had enough for now. Wincing, she lowered her over-worked arm, cradling it against her stomach with her other hand. Lily was exhausted, and being that it was nearly after hours, she should start back towards Gryffindor Tower anyway.
Going anywhere these past couple weeks had been nothing short of dreadful. Making enemies of one of the most popular girls in school hadn't been a wise idea, as Georgiana-recently returned from her two week suspension-had no qualms with dreaming up vicious rumors about Lily and spreading them through the school. As if being on the receiving end of Muggle-born hate hadn't been enough, she'd now become a target.
Walking past someone and hearing them mutter "slag," or "whore," or "Mudblood" had become so normal that she stopped confronting them about it. And slurs were far better anyway than being spat at, which had also become commonplace. Being tripped, shoved, and hexed throughout the day also occurred. It made getting out of bed in the morning unbearable.
Lily climbed the stairs to her dorm, ignoring the dirty looks and whispers from several of her own house mates. It neared dinnertime, but she didn't think she'd be able to go to the Great Hall. Her appetite had left her shortly after this school wide hazing had begun.
As she turned the corner at the staircase to her dorm, Lily nearly ran into Annalise. Jane stood in the doorway of their room, a grave expression on her face. Looking back to Annalise, Lily saw that her expression matched Jane's to perfection.
"What's wrong?" Lily asked, taking a step towards the dorm.
"Don't!" Annalise shouted, grabbing her arm. "Lily, don't."
"Mary's gone to get Professor McGonagall."
If they thought they were succeeding in making her want to stay in the stairwell with them, they were sorely mistaken. Lily shrugged off Annalise and evaded Jane's grasp. As soon as she entered the room, however, she wished she hadn't.
Things-her things-were scattered all over the place, shattered and torn and snapped. Her bed hangings had been assaulted with Incendio. As Lily stepped closer to her bed, she saw that the word "Mudblood" had been burned into her four poster's head board.
It was as if she'd been thrown into the middle of a nightmare. Her blood pumped loudly in her ears to the point where it was deafening. Lily felt utterly numb except for a sudden and violent churning in her stomach. She covered her mouth and fumbled towards the loo, but she didn't make it in time. Falling to her knees, she vomited on the floor and began to sob. She wasn't safe anywhere anymore.
~*~
Lily had expected things to get worse after word spread about what had happened in her dormitory. It surprised her, then, when students who had once thought ill of her were suddenly coming up to her in the corridors and at meal times to express their sympathy. And of course those who were like her-Muggle-borns who had faced similar things themselves-went out of their way to support her.
Unfortunately there were still those who thought that she'd gotten what she deserved, but they only made up a small percentage of the student body. Professors and the Headmaster alike had always made it clear that such outlandish behavior would not be tolerated, but after what happened to Lily, punishments became far more severe. Getting caught hazing a fellow student would result in immediate suspension and permanent expulsion would be pursed through the appropriate channels.
In the few days after the dorm incident, Lily had been hesitant to leave the newly password protected room. Annalise, Jane, and Mary had all volunteered to walk with her so she'd never be alone. And James? Well, he'd been nothing short of wonderful. He'd sat with her in the library and strolled with her around the grounds. When the final Hogsmeade weekend came around in May, James had offered to escort her. She'd declined, not feeling entirely up for it, and so he'd surprised her when he returned with a small bag full of sweets and chocolates from Honeydukes.
Slowly Lily had worked up the courage to start her prefect duties again. Initially she feared making those rounds, but she eased into the patrols first with Remus and then with the other prefects. When patrolling with Remus, Lily didn't have to concern herself with being alone outside of the common room, and with Gretchen-her other regular, prefect partner-she would only have a short walk alone.
This night in particular Gretchen had joined her for the rounds, and Lily was heading back to her dorm after a rather uneventful evening. The thought of walking by herself didn't frighten her too much, but her senses worked in overdrive. Thinking she heard footsteps, Lily spun around. But she didn't see a thing. Maybe it was just her imagination, or perhaps Peeves was up to no good further down the corridor.
Still, she was unnerved. Lily picked up her pace, but no sooner had she started walking than she felt a hand clamp over her mouth, stifling her scream. She was shoved violently into an empty classroom, hitting her hip against the wooden desk and wincing. In front of the door stood Mulciber, blocking her only escape route. Lily knew she was in serious trouble.
Reaching into her robes, Lily grabbed for her wand only to find it wasn't there. Her eyes searched for it on the floor in a panic. A chuckle escaped Mulciber's lips, and Lily feared what she would see.
"Looking for this, Mudblood?" he jeered, holding her wand.
Lily fought against her weakening legs to remain standing. Pain blossomed on her hip where she'd fallen into the desk, causing her to favor her one leg considerably. Alone, injured, and without a wand, her mind grasped for an escape plan. Her heart pounded in her chest, feeling as if it might break through it at any moment. She knew that look in his eyes-one reflecting pure disgust of her and pleasure in what he was about to do to her.
As Mulciber took a step towards her, Lily's fight or flight response kicked in, sending her scuttling as far away from him as she could get-which she discovered wasn't far at all. She tripped as her injured leg gave out on her. Mulciber was on top of her in an instant, grabbing at her cloak to hoist her up. She managed to slip out of it in time and crawled surprisingly quickly to the corner of the room.
Her lungs ached from her heavy breathing-an unfortunate result from the pain in her leg and her fight to break free of him. The doorway, Lily noticed, was clear now, but she doubted she'd be able to reach it with Mulciber having the clear advantage over her. She didn't even have an opportunity to contemplate how she’d escape before Mulciber took her violently by the upper arm, breaking her skin under his strong fingers.
She screamed as he threw her against the wall-her head coming in brutal contact with the stone wall-or at least she had thought she'd screamed, but she couldn't hear her own voice. Lily opened her mouth again. No sound. Mulciber smiled wickedly at her.
Until that moment the adrenaline in her veins had been masking her fear, but no longer. She began to shake, hot tears streaming freely down her cheeks. He had silently cast Silencio on her and now no one would hear her cries-her pleas-for help.
Mulciber pushed his face right up to hers, his sour breath filling her nostrils. The final straw snapped, she dry heaved, and honestly wished she could have vomited to relieve the intense discomfort in her stomach.
"Fucking Mudblood," he spat. "Causing so much trouble for everyone. What you did to Yaxley, thinking that you had the right to the same things she did…the example you set for filth like yourself…did you really think we were just going to let you get away with it?"
The prospect of what was going to happen to her-assault, murder, or worse-was consuming Lily's mind, making all other thoughts impossible. She didn't want this-couldn't let him do this to her. But what could she do to stop it? There was no way out.
She mouthed "please," hoping in vain that he would take mercy on her.
Mulciber sneered. "What was that? I can't hear you."
He grabbed her shirt and pulled, causing the fabric to rip free of the buttons and reveal part of her bra. Lily opened her mouth; had she had a voice, it would have sounded like a wail. Mulciber was going rape her, punish her for her insolence like that and leave her alive to face the humility of it all.
Lily had never felt so exposed and vulnerable in her life. She waited, almost limply, the tears in her eyes suddenly staunched. Any moment now he'd be groping at her breasts, shoving his fingers violently between her legs-or worse thrusting himself inside of her, delivering a maddening sort of pain that would split her in half.
But what did any of that matter now? Lily was already helplessly violated and broken. She couldn't stop him-she had no wand and he was three times her size-and so she would try to let her mind escape from the present to a much better place.
She thought of her parents. Her sweet and bubbly mother who always knew how to make the things alright again with a glass of warm milk and some biscuits. Her jovial, sports fanatic father who kicked the football around the backyard with her on summer holiday and had taken her shopping for the dress she wore on her very first date.
Petunia was with her too. Ever the bossy, overbearing big sister. Lily knew she cared though; she wouldn't have beaten up that boy who pulled Lily's hair on the playground when she was four otherwise. Petunia wouldn't have spent a week of winter holiday two years ago teaching her how to put on cosmetics the Muggle way if she didn't love her. Suddenly Lily really wanted her big sister there. Petunia Evans was a force to be reckoned with.
Lastly there was James, who would probably still want her even if she'd been raped. Denying him all these years had been perfectly stupid of her. He was such a caring, decent boy, who would have devoted himself to her utterly. She remembered that night of flying; she'd thought it'd been horrible until that very moment. Now it suddenly became a safe place-his hand wrapped around her middle, his wild hair tickling her cheek, those full lips ready to kiss her, his kind words.
Lily's eyes flew open.
His words.
You don't trust in your magic enough.
Just because she didn't have a wand didn't mean she didn't have magic.
Lily turned to the monster that held her fast, stared right into his wicked eyes-an act that was incredibly empowering. She was not weak. She was a witch, and a fucking good one, too. She would be damned before she let someone like him break her spirit, turn her world upside down.
She willed her magic to focus on Mulciber, willed it to send him flying across the room. It wasn't working…it wasn't working... And then there was the almost electrical charge in the air. Magic. Her magic. There was a whoosh and a crashing sound. Opening her eyes, she saw Mulciber lying in a heap of broken desks and chairs, disoriented.
Not daring to get close enough to him to retrieve her wand, Lily tore out of the room and down the corridor as fast as her legs would take her. It amazed her that she could even run; she knew if she were to try to stand her legs would give out. As she was coming out of the corridor into an open area, she saw someone standing in the middle of it. It was a familiar face. Remus.
For once she thanked God for all their afterhours' mischief making. When Remus heard her footfalls, he looked up, eyes widening.
"Lily?"
Her voice was still silenced, so she couldn't answer him. Instead, she grabbed hold of him, willing him to understand that something was very wrong. She gestured wildly at her throat, and Remus cast the counter charm immediately.
"Remus…please…"
Lily couldn't manage any more than that. Remus put one arm around her protectively, and with the other, pulled out what looked to be a mirror.
"James? Sirius?" he called into the mirror.
"Moony?" It was Sirius.
"Abort the plan."
"What happened?" James.
"I said abort the plan," he ordered, firmly. "Meet me at our rendezvous point. And don't waste any time."
"And Wormtail?"
"He'll see you moving on the map and come. Don't worry."
Remus slipped the mirror back into his pocket. Lily's eyes kept darting towards the corridor, but there was no sign of Mulciber. If he were going to pursue her, he would have shown up already. While she expected that to provide her with some comfort, it didn't.
When Lily heard footsteps, she went rigid. It sounded as if it were coming from the wall, and judging from Remus' calm look in that direction, that was the most natural thing in the world. But the tapestry was drawn back in an instant and out came James and Black.
They both appeared a bit nervous, and given Remus' cryptic instructions, it was no surprise why. However two pairs of eyes fell on her at once, both widening in confusion. Black immediately sought out Remus for an explanation, but James' line of sight never left her.
A rush of relief passed through her, and she stepped away from Remus in an instant, quickly seeking the comfort of James' arms. He clutched her to him, holding her as if her life depended on it, and in a small way, Lily felt it did.
"What the fuck happened, Remus?" James asked, his voice harsh.
"She just came running from the corridor."
Another set of footsteps sounded through the room, and then, "What happened to the plan?"
"Never mind now, Pete," Black said.
James rested his cheek against her forehead and swallowed hard. "Lily, love."
"Mulciber."
He pulled her away from him gently, carefully looking over her. When his eyes fell on her hand clutching her torn shirt together, he looked a mix of both afraid and angry.
"Lily, did he try to…"
She thought back to what had transpired. "He tried." Tears began to well in her eyes. "I stopped him before it got any farther than a torn shirt."
Lily buried her face against James' neck and tried to control her cries. In all honesty, she thought she was doing a decent job of it. When she considered it, she'd gotten off lucky with only a few bumps and bruises and a ruined shirt. Not that that would keep the nightmares away, though.
"I'm going to fucking kill him," Black said.
"No, we're going to McGonagall and Dumbledore," James replied.
~*~
When Lily walked down the steps from Dumbledore's office, four sets of eyes were on her. She smiled weakly, very grateful for their dedication to her after what had happened. James stood up first and approached her.
"How it go?"
"As expected. Mulciber is going to be suspended, and Dumbledore's going to do everything in his power to expel him from Hogwarts. Charges will be pressed, but…"
James stared at her. "But?"
"He warned me that justice might not be served. A lot of people on the Governing Board of Hogwarts-the people who get the final say in expulsions-aren't likely to rule in my favor. And as for the Ministry, we've all heard how corrupt it's become."
Her words seemed to surprise everyone but Remus. Of course, he'd been facing the injustice of the Ministry for years now. Perhaps this was just one more way in which they understood one another.
"I won't let that happen," James said, blindly determined. "My family has connections, Lily, and I'll do whatever it takes to give Mulciber what he has coming."
"I'll see what I can do too," Sirius added. "Even we disowned Blacks hold some sway over important people."
"Thank you so much both of you… all of you. You really didn't have to wait on me. It's late."
"Of course we had to wait on you, Evans. Do you honestly think we'd leave you to yourself after all you've been through tonight?" Peter asked.
Infallibly kind Peter. She grinned softly, thanking him for his words. And then Sirius swung his arm across her shoulders, giving her some line about escorts and walking her back to the Tower. James, in a fit of jealousy, grabbed Remus' hand. Sirius just snorted and shook his head.
Lily wondered how even after something so terrible, something that shook her very foundations, she could be so comfortable. It wouldn't last, she knew. These were only a brief few minutes of reprieve, but she cherished them. How these four boys-two that had annoyed her for five years, one who she knew very little of, and one who had been her dear friend-could work their magic on her, she would never know.
~*~
When they reached the common room, Sirius removed his arm from her shoulders to return to Remus' side. Both Remus and Peter were already inching towards the boys' dorms, but James remained planted next to her.
Lily gazed at the staircase to her own room, and the idea of having to walk in there, of having to answer uncomfortable questions about her bruises, left Lily vastly uncomfortable. There was no way she would be able to sleep there.
"Should I walk you to the stairs or something?" James offered.
She shook her head. "No, I think I'll stay down here for a bit."
"You should get some sleep, Evans," Peter said.
"I just…" She shifted uncomfortably.
"You know, Lily," Remus began, "I could really use some help with my Charms essay, and it might take all night to get through it."
"Moony, way to be tactful," James scolded, apparently missing Remus' intentions entirely.
Lily, however, had known Remus long enough to understand what he'd meant by it. This had nothing to do with Charms essays. It was an invitation, an invitation that would ensure that she didn't have to face anyone in the next twelve hours who didn't know about what had transpired tonight, an invitation to a safe haven.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
He held out his hand. "If you can tolerate this lot, then yes."
Even having been friends with Remus since second year, Lily had never been in his room. It wasn't shocking to find that their dorm looked very much lived in by a group of seventeen year old boys. If she'd separated it into four parts, three of those parts would be littered with clothes, books, quills, Quidditch supplies, and snacks. The other fourth-Remus' fourth-was tidy to a fault.
"Sorry for the mess," James said sheepishly.
He quickly strode over to his bed, pushing the clothes off of it as well as several magazines. James spread the blankets out in some semblance of neatness and then turned to face her.
"You can have a seat if you'd like."
"Thanks."
"Help yourself to the loo too," Peter offered. "Remus just Scourgified it the other day. Though I can't promise the seat is down."
"Would you like to shower, Lily?" Remus asked.
God, yes. She knew what had happened wouldn't wash away in the shower as if it were dirt, but Lily desired to give it a try. Not to mention that she desperately wanted to assess the bruises on her arms, legs, and the side of her forehead.
"Yeah, that would be great if it isn't too much trouble."
Remus began digging through his wardrobe drawers. "Here, let me get you a towel and flannel."
"And Sirius has this dodgey shampoo and soap that smells like flowers," James added.
"It doesn't smell like flowers. I've told you a thousand times, Prongs, it's vanilla."
"Still makes you a poof for using it," James countered.
Sirius looked at him pointedly. "Well if the shoe fits…"
"Oi, it's a bit late for bickering," Peter said from his bed. "Get Evans the stuff, will you, Pads?"
While Sirius began to dig through his trunk, Lily realized that she was going to need something to wear to bed as well. She wanted out of her clothes; they could be burned for all she cared.
"James, could I borrow something to sleep in?"
Soon she was loaded up with toiletries and a fresh change of clothes and headed towards the adjoining bath. Locking the door behind her, she stripped off her clothing, minding the tender and discolored patches of flesh.
The shower soothed the aches that had begun to set into her body but didn't do a thing to ease her mind of the evening's events. As Lily set out to wash her arms, tears rushed to her eyes. She hadn't been alone before, hadn't had the time replay the nights’ events over in her head-the fear, the pain, the anguish. But when thought about what had happened in that classroom, a floodgate opened.
She sobbed-a full on, bring her to her knees and wrack her body cry. Someone had hated one small, insignificant aspect of her life so much-the blood in her veins and the magic it'd carried-that he had allowed himself to see her as nothing more than a thing. And he'd tried to make her feel like she was a thing. He loathed her so much that he wanted to ruin her, force her to never trust being alone with a man again. Mulciber had made an honest attempt at stealing her happiness, her future, and her right to feel safe. With that knowledge racing through her mind, she spent a full fifteen minutes at the bottom of the shower stall, losing herself entirely.
When Lily finally gained some semblance of self control, she stepped out of the shower and began to dry off. Her whole face was puffy, her eyes bloodshot. The boys would know what she'd been doing in the shower and Lily couldn't hide it. She just prayed that they wouldn't bring it up.
Lily padded back into the room, and everyone fell into silence. Remus and Sirius were lounging on Remus' bed while Peter sat on his. James was standing, arms folded across his chest. Their faces all shared the same look of concern.
"Are you alright, Lily?" Peter asked.
"Obviously you're not. It's just that…we heard…in the shower. We weren't trying to listen," Sirius added, and that was probably the first time he ever sounded inelegant.
"If you want to talk," James offered.
Biting down on her lip, Lily fought off another slew of tears. After that round in the bath, she hadn't thought she'd be able to cry anymore, but apparently she was wrong. She saw the look of panic on Sirius' face as he glanced at James, seemingly begging him to make her feel better. What James' expression was in response, she couldn't say. Lily buried her face in her hands before she ever saw it, willing herself to stop getting so upset.
It was Remus' arms around her then, not James'-she could tell because Remus has a distinctly different smell. He held her to him, smoothing her hair and not saying a word. Lily felt comforted by Remus, felt like she could tell him anything because he'd been around so long that she thought of him as another girlfriend almost.
"I was so scared," she said, her voice muffled as she spoke into his chest.
"It'll take time for that to go away, Lily. It does fade though, eventually. Never completely, but it will get better," he assured her.
"I want it to go away now."
"It can't. But you know what will make you feel a bit better straight away?"
She looked up at him, seeing him smile at her. "Huh?"
"Ice cream. Chocolate ice cream with bits of brownie mixed in. And it tastes extra good if you demand Sirius to go down to the kitchens and fetch it for you. I speak from experience here."
Lily laughed then; she still felt horrible, but Remus had a way of enabling her to push that aside if only for a little while. Ice cream did sound wonderful-a favorite fix of all the women in her family when they had sorrows to wallow in. And sorrows? She had them.
"Go on, give it a try," he said, shifting them towards Sirius.
"Sirius?" she asked, hoping he would go for her.
"No, no. You have to boss him."
"And we know you're good at being bossy, Evans," James added in.
Lily let out a strangled laugh; they were really all quite mad. "Sirius Black, I demand you go get me Chocolate Brownie ice cream."
"Immediately," Remus coached.
"Immediately."
Sirius was all smiles, slipping off the bed with the fluidity of a cat. "It would be my pleasure."
"Remus has him thoroughly whipped," Peter said. "It's embarrassing really."
Sirius tossed what looked to be a special sort of cloak at Peter. "Oi! For that, you're coming with me."
Remus had been right about the ice cream-it had made her feel a bit better. At times that evening she'd felt like she'd never be really happy in a long while, but sitting around the floor with the boys had put her in good spirit.
After taking her final bite of ice cream and setting her bowl down, Lily pulled the blanket around her shoulders tighter. James had dared to put an arm around her, sidling up close against her as Sirius carried on about their next big prank. Lily snuggled against him, resting her head against his shoulder and listened, amused.
"I'm telling you, adding in the Doxy eggs will give it that extra something," Sirius said.
"You're barking. Mixing the eggs in with the Ashwinder wings won't allow the ingredients to cohere properly. There'll be an explosion, and you know how hard it is to deny involvement when you're covered in goo," Peter explained.
"What do you know, Pete? You're rubbish at Potions," Sirius countered.
"You'd be rubbish at brewing potions too if you were color blind. But I understand the theory quite well, or need I remind you about that time in fourth year-"
"No!" Sirius interrupted, blushing. "No, I don't need reminded."
"What happened in fourth year?" Lily asked, looking at James.
"James," Sirius warned.
James was chuckling to himself. "Old Padfoot here had a thing for Lydie Collins back then and tried to slip her a love potion, as she wouldn't give him the time of day-being Slytherin and all. Sirius tried to knick the proper ingredients from Slughorn's stores, but he was out of some of them. So Pete and Sirius spent the next week and a half coming up with other ingredients that would cohere the same way. The effects love potion lasted for two months from the concoction they brewed."
Remus looked at Sirius incredulously. "You fancied Lydie Collins? How was I not aware of this?"
"Because you were dating Elliah Wilkinson then and spent all of your waking hours shoved in a broom cupboard with him," Peter answered.
It was Remus' turn to blush. "Oh, right. Well. Still. Lydie Collins?"
"Elliah Wilkinson?" Sirius returned, scoffing.
"You can't even compare Elliah to Lydie."
Sirius sighed. "Point. Lydie was fucking obnoxious. And, admittedly, Elliah has a fine arse. You win this one, love."
Sirius leaned over, planting a kiss on Remus' lips. And now Lily was the one blushing; she'd never seen them do that before. It was apparently normal though, as James was laughing and gave a whistle. Peter shook his head, rolling his eyes.
James pulled Lily tight against him in a sort of half hug. "Now that you're all filled with ice cream, why don't we get you to bed? I'm exhausted myself."
"That's because it's three in the morning," Peter said.
No wonder she felt so tired. Despite her exhaustion, Lily wasn't sure she'd be able to fall asleep, wasn't sure if she wanted to fall asleep. It would be nothing short of a miracle if she didn't have bad dreams tonight.
"Sirius had decided to be all self sacrificing and give up his bed to sleep with Moony," James explained. "You can sleep in mine. I just changed the linens while you were in the shower." Remus cleared his throat, having broken away from Sirius' kiss. "Alright, Moony changed the linens."
"Thanks. I appreciate it."
James nodded. "Sleep well, yeah? I'll put an extra silencing charm up around Padfoot and Moony tonight."
Sirius promptly threw a pillow at James, which James immediately returned.
In between the bouts of inky blackness, nightmares rose. She would be running around a classroom and some faceless figure would be chasing her, grabbing at her. In those brief moments of light sleep, the times when the nightmares were especially vivid, she recalled tossing and turning. And then there was a soothing hand on her brow and a voice-James-telling her it was just a dream.
A crash sounded through the room and then a curse. Lily stirred, sunshine nearly blinding her sensitive eyes. Groping about the bed, the knowledge that she wasn't in her own room pierced her. But then she recalled the previous nights' events and remembered sleeping in James' room.
"Sorry," James said as she sat up in his bed. "I didn't mean to be so loud."
Ignoring him for a moment, Lily looked around to find that they were alone in the room. "Where is everyone?"
"They've gone to breakfast. I'm surprised you didn't wake up earlier. Padfoot isn't known to be quiet in the mornings."
"Why didn't you go with them?"
"Bit obvious, isn't it?" he said.
Lily swung her legs over the side of the bed, and James came to join her. There wasn't much she could say to him; she'd never be able to express her gratitude enough for all that he'd done for her. It scared her how she'd gone from hating the very sight of him to feeling safe only in his arms. What exactly did that mean for her?
James brushed her hair behind her shoulder. "I'm sorry you've had such a shitty year."
"Yeah, me too," she said weakly.
"It'll get better, Lily," he assured, but Lily wasn't sure what world he was living in. "We'll make seventh year a good one, alright?"
He extended his pinky finger to her, wanting to make a promise. While Lily was touched by the gesture, she knew that she might not be able to make good on their little agreement. Muggle-borns were leaving the school every month because of what was happening to them. Lily never thought she'd count herself among their number, but last night changed a lot.
"I don't know if I'm coming back next year, James," Lily whispered.
She expected some form of retaliation from him, but the only thing that escaped his lips was a miserable, "Oh." His hand fell limply to the bed and their promise to one another with it.
"You must think I'm such a coward."
James shook his head. "You're the bravest girl I know. I just…this is what they want."
"I know."
"It'll be lonely here without you. I'm so used to our Muggle Studies meetings that I…I'm going to miss you."
She looked at him. "I'm going to miss you too. I mean, I haven't decided for sure if I'm leaving, but if I did, I would. Miss you."
"Well there's always the post. You'll write to me, won't you?"
"Yes, of course, James, but I'm not sure I'm-"
"It's really strange, thinking you have another year with someone before saying goodbye. But school lets out in two weeks, and I might never…" He reached for her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. "I might never see you again. I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye, Lily."
"Not goodbye, James. Never goodbye," she promised. "Just…maybe 'see you around'."
She felt miserable when she considered never seeing James again, never feeling the gravitational pull between them. But no matter her decision, she would have to meet up with him. He meant far too much to her to ever completely say goodbye to the Wizarding world.
Lily rested her head against his shoulder and thought back to everything Hogwarts had given her-knowledge, self-understanding, friendship, excitement, and perhaps maybe even love. The idea of giving all that up was unbearable, but her very life might depend on it. She would have to cherish every moment of these last few weeks just in case.
~*~
"Can't we make a conscious decision to procrastinate and go outside?" James asked, tipping back on his chair and staring at his Muggle Studies notes as if they were a whale requiring transfiguration into a Knut.
Admittedly, studying did seem rather daunting, even to Lily. It was a picturesque June day, and they'd spent the entirety of the last week taking examinations. The only one that remained was Muggle Studies, which she could definitely pass on her own with little effort. James, however, for all he was able to bull shite, wouldn't without studying.
"No, James."
"But we've been at this for hours!"
"For an hour, you mean."
"But it feels like ages. I need a break."
Lily would regret ever agreeing to it, but James was completely rubbish when he couldn't focus. And he definitely couldn't focus right then. Casting a quick bookmarking charm before closing her book, she sighed and looked at him.
"Alright, break time."
"I could kiss you right now," he said, completely elated.
"Don't get too excited. You've only got ten minutes."
Lily watched him ponder what to do with his ten glorious minutes of freedom. The list would have been a short one for anyone else but him. She could only imagine what was going through his head.
"I've been meaning to talk to you."
Ten minutes and he wanted to have a conversation with her? "About?"
"The dance."
Lily groaned. "James."
"What? It's an annual tradition."
"It's only been an annual tradition for two years," she reminded.
"Go with me, Lily?"
Despite the fact that she thought the dance was silly and a complete waste of her time in years past, she'd nearly agreed to it right then. One night with James all to herself-dancing and touching and flirting. She'd longed for such an opportunity for months. But she'd promised that she wouldn't put herself in a position where someone could slip something in her drink or catch her alone, not after what had happened.
"Sorry, James," she said, unable to look him in the eye.
He sighed. "You don't fancy me anymore then?"
"Of course, I still fancy you! I'm just not going."
"Are you sure?" he asked, defeated.
Lily nodded. "I am. But you should definitely go. And take someone, will you?"
He struggled with the idea; she saw it in his eyes. They weren't dating and they'd never talked about doing so in the future, but they both knew that there was something unavoidable between them. James didn't want to take anyone else, even if Lily asked him to.
"Let's just get back to studying, yeah?"
~*~
By the time the evening of the dance rolled around, Lily was happy to discover that James had decided to take someone after all. She wasn't jealous when the-girl-in-question turned out to be the Captain of Hufflepuff's Quidditch team. Victoria was sweet and pretty and a half-blood. It shamed Lily to admit that that last little bit of information was important to her.
She sat in the common room, curled up on the sofa with another Austin novel and glancing up every time someone came down from the dormitories. Everyone dressed splendidly, and there were plenty of gold and red gowns to be had. Lily admired some and thought of her own dress, perfectly white, hanging in her wardrobe.
When James walked downstairs, Lily thought she had quite possibly fallen in love all over again. He looked dashing in his dress robes, even with his hair a muss, and judging from the smug expression on his face, he knew it.
"What do you think, Lily?" he asked, moving his arms to his sides so she had an open view of him.
Smirking, she shrugged and returned to her book.
Lily felt the sofa cushion sink down next to her. "Come on, Lily. Tell me I'm handsome. Tell me I'm irresistible."
Lily glanced up over the pages. "Perhaps if you'd managed to get your hair to lie flat, you might have stolen a heart or two. But as it stands now, Potter, you haven't a chance."
He gave her a playful push and left her to her reading. She was perfectly content with that, with not going to the dance. Or, at least she was for a little while.
An hour after the festivities had begun, however, Lily realized how miserable she was being the only person not in the Great Hall. It was her last night of sixth year, maybe even her last night ever at Hogwarts, and she was spending it alone.
Not ten minutes after having come to that conclusion, Lily had her gown on, her heels strapped, and a simple glamour on her face, fully prepared to make tonight memorable.
Music blasted through the corridors as she made her way down the staircase to the Great Hall. It surprised her at first that the professors would ever allow it to get so loud. But then again, this dance was about letting students forget about the world looming outside of Hogwarts' walls. For tonight, they could be normal teenagers.
Pausing before she got too close, Lily leaned into the window arch and thought about what she was doing. She didn't want to walk in late and make a spectacle of herself. Well, she didn't want to make a spectacle of herself at all, especially not after being the center of attention for weeks following the Mulciber incident. Then again, would anyone even notice her arrival? Judging from the music and talking, it was unlikely.
The most important thing, and the very reason why she opted out of attending in the first place, was that Lily feared those select few students in there who might try to make her last night miserable. They probably wouldn't even notice her, too busy absorbed in themselves and their friends. There was always that possibility though, and it was that possibility that frightened her.
"Thought you weren't coming."
Lily looked up to see James standing just two steps below her. "I wasn't. How did you know I was here?"
"I didn't. I was actually coming back to Gryffindor Tower to sit with you."
"What about Victoria?"
"Turns out the bloke she fancies had an open dance card, so I told her to go for it." He motioned towards the dance. "It was fun while it lasted and all, but you know what they say: a party isn't a party without Lily Evans."
"Oh yeah? Is that what they say?" she asked, amused.
"They do."
He climbed to two steps, closing the distance between them. This closeness had become familiar over the past couple weeks-leaning heads on shoulders, standing side by side, even the occasional holding of hands. It was progress in Lily's book; she just didn't know what it was progress towards.
But as James stood in front of her, his eyes locked on hers, Lily wondered if she wasn't about to find out. He had that look of desire-the very one he'd had back in that empty classroom at the beginning of the year. Lily felt different under that particular gaze, like a woman rather than a girl. Right then-perhaps the last night they'd ever have at Hogwarts-he wanted her, and Lily wanted him right back.
"You look sexy as hell, do you know that?"
She felt his fingers ghost along her jaw and her eyes closed involuntarily. And when she forced them open as he wound his fingers into her hair, she found his face dangerously close to hers.
"I've been thinking about what you said over the holidays-about how you thought I'd put you under some sort of figurative spell."
She swallowed hard.
"You might not come back next year, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you didn't get this spell lifted, you know?"
Was he…? Oh Christ, he was… All those times they evaded this moment and those times she'd begged him for it…this was it. They'd reached the point of no return and it appeared that neither of them was looking back.
Lily leaned forward and James' lips met hers in one soft, hesitant kiss. It wasn't how she imagined their first kiss, not after her fantasies played out and she'd seen his kisses with other girls. This kiss was sweet and warm, even respectful. It didn't disappoint, but she wanted more.
"Did it break the spell?"
She recognized the fervor in his expression, the one she'd known he'd possessed for years. He'd been holding back, being such a gentleman because he thought that that's what she wanted-one brief kiss, a chance to see what it would be like to be with him.
"A kiss like that couldn't break shite," she whispered, begging him to kiss her properly with her eyes.
In one quick, fluid motion, James pressed her firmly into the wall before she had enough time to process it. His lips were on hers in an instant, supple and frantic, and Lily couldn't get enough of him. This was it-that unbridled passion that she knew him to possess.
His fingers carding through her hair, she bit down gently on his lip and sucked, effectively taking the kiss to another level. James slipped his hands down her sides, his thumbs grazing the sides of her breasts, around her hips and slipping low to her arse. She moaned into his mouth then, pressing into him until she could feel his every, glorious inch.
Gasping, she broke free of James' lips; she struggled to catch her breath, her breasts heaving against his toned chest. Lily looked into his beautiful eyes, and in that instant, tangled with him, she realized that she had made a grave mistake. Kissing James Potter hadn't broken that supposed enchantment, but it had certainly cast one over her.
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Poll Muggle Studies
Author: museme87
Rating: R
Wordcount: 37,900
Warnings: dark themes (racism, hazing, slight non-con), sexual situations
Prompt: 60. Write or draw a Lily and James interaction in their Sixth Year - i.e. after Snape's Worst Memory, but before Lily finally agrees to go out with James. There should be UST even while James is being a git and Lily is resisting him.
Summary: As the Voldemort War rages outside the castle, long standing prejudices begin to seep their way into Hogwarts. For a Muggle-born student, everyday life has become significantly more challenging as Lily Evans knows too well. And her new partnership with one James Potter isn't exactly making things easier, especially when she discovers he isn't quite the arrogant toerag she once thought he was.
Beta(s): liebedance & klose
Author's Notes: Firstly, I would like to apologize for the length of this fic. Secondly, I'd like to thank L for all the effort she put into beta reading this fic multiple times and for spoon feeding me the summary (I owe you my first born for this, L). Also, to Y, thanks for being my other, wonderful beta, partner-in-crime, and Brit-picker! I went a little out of control with the prompt, but I still hope you all enjoy.
[ Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6]
VI. A Change in the Status Quo
Two weeks after her altercation with Georgiana, Lily's spell-damaged arm still hadn't fully recovered. James had been right when he'd said she'd been hit with some sort of Dark Magic, and because of the nature of the spell, the healing process had been painfully slow. Final exams would be impossible in her current state, so Lily was spending as much of her free time as possible practicing her spellwork in empty classrooms.
She was having a particularly difficult time of it that night, her erratic wand motions conjuring up unintended spells. As one last Summoning Charm back fired on her, Lily decided that she'd had enough for now. Wincing, she lowered her over-worked arm, cradling it against her stomach with her other hand. Lily was exhausted, and being that it was nearly after hours, she should start back towards Gryffindor Tower anyway.
Going anywhere these past couple weeks had been nothing short of dreadful. Making enemies of one of the most popular girls in school hadn't been a wise idea, as Georgiana-recently returned from her two week suspension-had no qualms with dreaming up vicious rumors about Lily and spreading them through the school. As if being on the receiving end of Muggle-born hate hadn't been enough, she'd now become a target.
Walking past someone and hearing them mutter "slag," or "whore," or "Mudblood" had become so normal that she stopped confronting them about it. And slurs were far better anyway than being spat at, which had also become commonplace. Being tripped, shoved, and hexed throughout the day also occurred. It made getting out of bed in the morning unbearable.
Lily climbed the stairs to her dorm, ignoring the dirty looks and whispers from several of her own house mates. It neared dinnertime, but she didn't think she'd be able to go to the Great Hall. Her appetite had left her shortly after this school wide hazing had begun.
As she turned the corner at the staircase to her dorm, Lily nearly ran into Annalise. Jane stood in the doorway of their room, a grave expression on her face. Looking back to Annalise, Lily saw that her expression matched Jane's to perfection.
"What's wrong?" Lily asked, taking a step towards the dorm.
"Don't!" Annalise shouted, grabbing her arm. "Lily, don't."
"Mary's gone to get Professor McGonagall."
If they thought they were succeeding in making her want to stay in the stairwell with them, they were sorely mistaken. Lily shrugged off Annalise and evaded Jane's grasp. As soon as she entered the room, however, she wished she hadn't.
Things-her things-were scattered all over the place, shattered and torn and snapped. Her bed hangings had been assaulted with Incendio. As Lily stepped closer to her bed, she saw that the word "Mudblood" had been burned into her four poster's head board.
It was as if she'd been thrown into the middle of a nightmare. Her blood pumped loudly in her ears to the point where it was deafening. Lily felt utterly numb except for a sudden and violent churning in her stomach. She covered her mouth and fumbled towards the loo, but she didn't make it in time. Falling to her knees, she vomited on the floor and began to sob. She wasn't safe anywhere anymore.
~*~
Lily had expected things to get worse after word spread about what had happened in her dormitory. It surprised her, then, when students who had once thought ill of her were suddenly coming up to her in the corridors and at meal times to express their sympathy. And of course those who were like her-Muggle-borns who had faced similar things themselves-went out of their way to support her.
Unfortunately there were still those who thought that she'd gotten what she deserved, but they only made up a small percentage of the student body. Professors and the Headmaster alike had always made it clear that such outlandish behavior would not be tolerated, but after what happened to Lily, punishments became far more severe. Getting caught hazing a fellow student would result in immediate suspension and permanent expulsion would be pursed through the appropriate channels.
In the few days after the dorm incident, Lily had been hesitant to leave the newly password protected room. Annalise, Jane, and Mary had all volunteered to walk with her so she'd never be alone. And James? Well, he'd been nothing short of wonderful. He'd sat with her in the library and strolled with her around the grounds. When the final Hogsmeade weekend came around in May, James had offered to escort her. She'd declined, not feeling entirely up for it, and so he'd surprised her when he returned with a small bag full of sweets and chocolates from Honeydukes.
Slowly Lily had worked up the courage to start her prefect duties again. Initially she feared making those rounds, but she eased into the patrols first with Remus and then with the other prefects. When patrolling with Remus, Lily didn't have to concern herself with being alone outside of the common room, and with Gretchen-her other regular, prefect partner-she would only have a short walk alone.
This night in particular Gretchen had joined her for the rounds, and Lily was heading back to her dorm after a rather uneventful evening. The thought of walking by herself didn't frighten her too much, but her senses worked in overdrive. Thinking she heard footsteps, Lily spun around. But she didn't see a thing. Maybe it was just her imagination, or perhaps Peeves was up to no good further down the corridor.
Still, she was unnerved. Lily picked up her pace, but no sooner had she started walking than she felt a hand clamp over her mouth, stifling her scream. She was shoved violently into an empty classroom, hitting her hip against the wooden desk and wincing. In front of the door stood Mulciber, blocking her only escape route. Lily knew she was in serious trouble.
Reaching into her robes, Lily grabbed for her wand only to find it wasn't there. Her eyes searched for it on the floor in a panic. A chuckle escaped Mulciber's lips, and Lily feared what she would see.
"Looking for this, Mudblood?" he jeered, holding her wand.
Lily fought against her weakening legs to remain standing. Pain blossomed on her hip where she'd fallen into the desk, causing her to favor her one leg considerably. Alone, injured, and without a wand, her mind grasped for an escape plan. Her heart pounded in her chest, feeling as if it might break through it at any moment. She knew that look in his eyes-one reflecting pure disgust of her and pleasure in what he was about to do to her.
As Mulciber took a step towards her, Lily's fight or flight response kicked in, sending her scuttling as far away from him as she could get-which she discovered wasn't far at all. She tripped as her injured leg gave out on her. Mulciber was on top of her in an instant, grabbing at her cloak to hoist her up. She managed to slip out of it in time and crawled surprisingly quickly to the corner of the room.
Her lungs ached from her heavy breathing-an unfortunate result from the pain in her leg and her fight to break free of him. The doorway, Lily noticed, was clear now, but she doubted she'd be able to reach it with Mulciber having the clear advantage over her. She didn't even have an opportunity to contemplate how she’d escape before Mulciber took her violently by the upper arm, breaking her skin under his strong fingers.
She screamed as he threw her against the wall-her head coming in brutal contact with the stone wall-or at least she had thought she'd screamed, but she couldn't hear her own voice. Lily opened her mouth again. No sound. Mulciber smiled wickedly at her.
Until that moment the adrenaline in her veins had been masking her fear, but no longer. She began to shake, hot tears streaming freely down her cheeks. He had silently cast Silencio on her and now no one would hear her cries-her pleas-for help.
Mulciber pushed his face right up to hers, his sour breath filling her nostrils. The final straw snapped, she dry heaved, and honestly wished she could have vomited to relieve the intense discomfort in her stomach.
"Fucking Mudblood," he spat. "Causing so much trouble for everyone. What you did to Yaxley, thinking that you had the right to the same things she did…the example you set for filth like yourself…did you really think we were just going to let you get away with it?"
The prospect of what was going to happen to her-assault, murder, or worse-was consuming Lily's mind, making all other thoughts impossible. She didn't want this-couldn't let him do this to her. But what could she do to stop it? There was no way out.
She mouthed "please," hoping in vain that he would take mercy on her.
Mulciber sneered. "What was that? I can't hear you."
He grabbed her shirt and pulled, causing the fabric to rip free of the buttons and reveal part of her bra. Lily opened her mouth; had she had a voice, it would have sounded like a wail. Mulciber was going rape her, punish her for her insolence like that and leave her alive to face the humility of it all.
Lily had never felt so exposed and vulnerable in her life. She waited, almost limply, the tears in her eyes suddenly staunched. Any moment now he'd be groping at her breasts, shoving his fingers violently between her legs-or worse thrusting himself inside of her, delivering a maddening sort of pain that would split her in half.
But what did any of that matter now? Lily was already helplessly violated and broken. She couldn't stop him-she had no wand and he was three times her size-and so she would try to let her mind escape from the present to a much better place.
She thought of her parents. Her sweet and bubbly mother who always knew how to make the things alright again with a glass of warm milk and some biscuits. Her jovial, sports fanatic father who kicked the football around the backyard with her on summer holiday and had taken her shopping for the dress she wore on her very first date.
Petunia was with her too. Ever the bossy, overbearing big sister. Lily knew she cared though; she wouldn't have beaten up that boy who pulled Lily's hair on the playground when she was four otherwise. Petunia wouldn't have spent a week of winter holiday two years ago teaching her how to put on cosmetics the Muggle way if she didn't love her. Suddenly Lily really wanted her big sister there. Petunia Evans was a force to be reckoned with.
Lastly there was James, who would probably still want her even if she'd been raped. Denying him all these years had been perfectly stupid of her. He was such a caring, decent boy, who would have devoted himself to her utterly. She remembered that night of flying; she'd thought it'd been horrible until that very moment. Now it suddenly became a safe place-his hand wrapped around her middle, his wild hair tickling her cheek, those full lips ready to kiss her, his kind words.
Lily's eyes flew open.
His words.
You don't trust in your magic enough.
Just because she didn't have a wand didn't mean she didn't have magic.
Lily turned to the monster that held her fast, stared right into his wicked eyes-an act that was incredibly empowering. She was not weak. She was a witch, and a fucking good one, too. She would be damned before she let someone like him break her spirit, turn her world upside down.
She willed her magic to focus on Mulciber, willed it to send him flying across the room. It wasn't working…it wasn't working... And then there was the almost electrical charge in the air. Magic. Her magic. There was a whoosh and a crashing sound. Opening her eyes, she saw Mulciber lying in a heap of broken desks and chairs, disoriented.
Not daring to get close enough to him to retrieve her wand, Lily tore out of the room and down the corridor as fast as her legs would take her. It amazed her that she could even run; she knew if she were to try to stand her legs would give out. As she was coming out of the corridor into an open area, she saw someone standing in the middle of it. It was a familiar face. Remus.
For once she thanked God for all their afterhours' mischief making. When Remus heard her footfalls, he looked up, eyes widening.
"Lily?"
Her voice was still silenced, so she couldn't answer him. Instead, she grabbed hold of him, willing him to understand that something was very wrong. She gestured wildly at her throat, and Remus cast the counter charm immediately.
"Remus…please…"
Lily couldn't manage any more than that. Remus put one arm around her protectively, and with the other, pulled out what looked to be a mirror.
"James? Sirius?" he called into the mirror.
"Moony?" It was Sirius.
"Abort the plan."
"What happened?" James.
"I said abort the plan," he ordered, firmly. "Meet me at our rendezvous point. And don't waste any time."
"And Wormtail?"
"He'll see you moving on the map and come. Don't worry."
Remus slipped the mirror back into his pocket. Lily's eyes kept darting towards the corridor, but there was no sign of Mulciber. If he were going to pursue her, he would have shown up already. While she expected that to provide her with some comfort, it didn't.
When Lily heard footsteps, she went rigid. It sounded as if it were coming from the wall, and judging from Remus' calm look in that direction, that was the most natural thing in the world. But the tapestry was drawn back in an instant and out came James and Black.
They both appeared a bit nervous, and given Remus' cryptic instructions, it was no surprise why. However two pairs of eyes fell on her at once, both widening in confusion. Black immediately sought out Remus for an explanation, but James' line of sight never left her.
A rush of relief passed through her, and she stepped away from Remus in an instant, quickly seeking the comfort of James' arms. He clutched her to him, holding her as if her life depended on it, and in a small way, Lily felt it did.
"What the fuck happened, Remus?" James asked, his voice harsh.
"She just came running from the corridor."
Another set of footsteps sounded through the room, and then, "What happened to the plan?"
"Never mind now, Pete," Black said.
James rested his cheek against her forehead and swallowed hard. "Lily, love."
"Mulciber."
He pulled her away from him gently, carefully looking over her. When his eyes fell on her hand clutching her torn shirt together, he looked a mix of both afraid and angry.
"Lily, did he try to…"
She thought back to what had transpired. "He tried." Tears began to well in her eyes. "I stopped him before it got any farther than a torn shirt."
Lily buried her face against James' neck and tried to control her cries. In all honesty, she thought she was doing a decent job of it. When she considered it, she'd gotten off lucky with only a few bumps and bruises and a ruined shirt. Not that that would keep the nightmares away, though.
"I'm going to fucking kill him," Black said.
"No, we're going to McGonagall and Dumbledore," James replied.
~*~
When Lily walked down the steps from Dumbledore's office, four sets of eyes were on her. She smiled weakly, very grateful for their dedication to her after what had happened. James stood up first and approached her.
"How it go?"
"As expected. Mulciber is going to be suspended, and Dumbledore's going to do everything in his power to expel him from Hogwarts. Charges will be pressed, but…"
James stared at her. "But?"
"He warned me that justice might not be served. A lot of people on the Governing Board of Hogwarts-the people who get the final say in expulsions-aren't likely to rule in my favor. And as for the Ministry, we've all heard how corrupt it's become."
Her words seemed to surprise everyone but Remus. Of course, he'd been facing the injustice of the Ministry for years now. Perhaps this was just one more way in which they understood one another.
"I won't let that happen," James said, blindly determined. "My family has connections, Lily, and I'll do whatever it takes to give Mulciber what he has coming."
"I'll see what I can do too," Sirius added. "Even we disowned Blacks hold some sway over important people."
"Thank you so much both of you… all of you. You really didn't have to wait on me. It's late."
"Of course we had to wait on you, Evans. Do you honestly think we'd leave you to yourself after all you've been through tonight?" Peter asked.
Infallibly kind Peter. She grinned softly, thanking him for his words. And then Sirius swung his arm across her shoulders, giving her some line about escorts and walking her back to the Tower. James, in a fit of jealousy, grabbed Remus' hand. Sirius just snorted and shook his head.
Lily wondered how even after something so terrible, something that shook her very foundations, she could be so comfortable. It wouldn't last, she knew. These were only a brief few minutes of reprieve, but she cherished them. How these four boys-two that had annoyed her for five years, one who she knew very little of, and one who had been her dear friend-could work their magic on her, she would never know.
~*~
When they reached the common room, Sirius removed his arm from her shoulders to return to Remus' side. Both Remus and Peter were already inching towards the boys' dorms, but James remained planted next to her.
Lily gazed at the staircase to her own room, and the idea of having to walk in there, of having to answer uncomfortable questions about her bruises, left Lily vastly uncomfortable. There was no way she would be able to sleep there.
"Should I walk you to the stairs or something?" James offered.
She shook her head. "No, I think I'll stay down here for a bit."
"You should get some sleep, Evans," Peter said.
"I just…" She shifted uncomfortably.
"You know, Lily," Remus began, "I could really use some help with my Charms essay, and it might take all night to get through it."
"Moony, way to be tactful," James scolded, apparently missing Remus' intentions entirely.
Lily, however, had known Remus long enough to understand what he'd meant by it. This had nothing to do with Charms essays. It was an invitation, an invitation that would ensure that she didn't have to face anyone in the next twelve hours who didn't know about what had transpired tonight, an invitation to a safe haven.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
He held out his hand. "If you can tolerate this lot, then yes."
Even having been friends with Remus since second year, Lily had never been in his room. It wasn't shocking to find that their dorm looked very much lived in by a group of seventeen year old boys. If she'd separated it into four parts, three of those parts would be littered with clothes, books, quills, Quidditch supplies, and snacks. The other fourth-Remus' fourth-was tidy to a fault.
"Sorry for the mess," James said sheepishly.
He quickly strode over to his bed, pushing the clothes off of it as well as several magazines. James spread the blankets out in some semblance of neatness and then turned to face her.
"You can have a seat if you'd like."
"Thanks."
"Help yourself to the loo too," Peter offered. "Remus just Scourgified it the other day. Though I can't promise the seat is down."
"Would you like to shower, Lily?" Remus asked.
God, yes. She knew what had happened wouldn't wash away in the shower as if it were dirt, but Lily desired to give it a try. Not to mention that she desperately wanted to assess the bruises on her arms, legs, and the side of her forehead.
"Yeah, that would be great if it isn't too much trouble."
Remus began digging through his wardrobe drawers. "Here, let me get you a towel and flannel."
"And Sirius has this dodgey shampoo and soap that smells like flowers," James added.
"It doesn't smell like flowers. I've told you a thousand times, Prongs, it's vanilla."
"Still makes you a poof for using it," James countered.
Sirius looked at him pointedly. "Well if the shoe fits…"
"Oi, it's a bit late for bickering," Peter said from his bed. "Get Evans the stuff, will you, Pads?"
While Sirius began to dig through his trunk, Lily realized that she was going to need something to wear to bed as well. She wanted out of her clothes; they could be burned for all she cared.
"James, could I borrow something to sleep in?"
Soon she was loaded up with toiletries and a fresh change of clothes and headed towards the adjoining bath. Locking the door behind her, she stripped off her clothing, minding the tender and discolored patches of flesh.
The shower soothed the aches that had begun to set into her body but didn't do a thing to ease her mind of the evening's events. As Lily set out to wash her arms, tears rushed to her eyes. She hadn't been alone before, hadn't had the time replay the nights’ events over in her head-the fear, the pain, the anguish. But when thought about what had happened in that classroom, a floodgate opened.
She sobbed-a full on, bring her to her knees and wrack her body cry. Someone had hated one small, insignificant aspect of her life so much-the blood in her veins and the magic it'd carried-that he had allowed himself to see her as nothing more than a thing. And he'd tried to make her feel like she was a thing. He loathed her so much that he wanted to ruin her, force her to never trust being alone with a man again. Mulciber had made an honest attempt at stealing her happiness, her future, and her right to feel safe. With that knowledge racing through her mind, she spent a full fifteen minutes at the bottom of the shower stall, losing herself entirely.
When Lily finally gained some semblance of self control, she stepped out of the shower and began to dry off. Her whole face was puffy, her eyes bloodshot. The boys would know what she'd been doing in the shower and Lily couldn't hide it. She just prayed that they wouldn't bring it up.
Lily padded back into the room, and everyone fell into silence. Remus and Sirius were lounging on Remus' bed while Peter sat on his. James was standing, arms folded across his chest. Their faces all shared the same look of concern.
"Are you alright, Lily?" Peter asked.
"Obviously you're not. It's just that…we heard…in the shower. We weren't trying to listen," Sirius added, and that was probably the first time he ever sounded inelegant.
"If you want to talk," James offered.
Biting down on her lip, Lily fought off another slew of tears. After that round in the bath, she hadn't thought she'd be able to cry anymore, but apparently she was wrong. She saw the look of panic on Sirius' face as he glanced at James, seemingly begging him to make her feel better. What James' expression was in response, she couldn't say. Lily buried her face in her hands before she ever saw it, willing herself to stop getting so upset.
It was Remus' arms around her then, not James'-she could tell because Remus has a distinctly different smell. He held her to him, smoothing her hair and not saying a word. Lily felt comforted by Remus, felt like she could tell him anything because he'd been around so long that she thought of him as another girlfriend almost.
"I was so scared," she said, her voice muffled as she spoke into his chest.
"It'll take time for that to go away, Lily. It does fade though, eventually. Never completely, but it will get better," he assured her.
"I want it to go away now."
"It can't. But you know what will make you feel a bit better straight away?"
She looked up at him, seeing him smile at her. "Huh?"
"Ice cream. Chocolate ice cream with bits of brownie mixed in. And it tastes extra good if you demand Sirius to go down to the kitchens and fetch it for you. I speak from experience here."
Lily laughed then; she still felt horrible, but Remus had a way of enabling her to push that aside if only for a little while. Ice cream did sound wonderful-a favorite fix of all the women in her family when they had sorrows to wallow in. And sorrows? She had them.
"Go on, give it a try," he said, shifting them towards Sirius.
"Sirius?" she asked, hoping he would go for her.
"No, no. You have to boss him."
"And we know you're good at being bossy, Evans," James added in.
Lily let out a strangled laugh; they were really all quite mad. "Sirius Black, I demand you go get me Chocolate Brownie ice cream."
"Immediately," Remus coached.
"Immediately."
Sirius was all smiles, slipping off the bed with the fluidity of a cat. "It would be my pleasure."
"Remus has him thoroughly whipped," Peter said. "It's embarrassing really."
Sirius tossed what looked to be a special sort of cloak at Peter. "Oi! For that, you're coming with me."
Remus had been right about the ice cream-it had made her feel a bit better. At times that evening she'd felt like she'd never be really happy in a long while, but sitting around the floor with the boys had put her in good spirit.
After taking her final bite of ice cream and setting her bowl down, Lily pulled the blanket around her shoulders tighter. James had dared to put an arm around her, sidling up close against her as Sirius carried on about their next big prank. Lily snuggled against him, resting her head against his shoulder and listened, amused.
"I'm telling you, adding in the Doxy eggs will give it that extra something," Sirius said.
"You're barking. Mixing the eggs in with the Ashwinder wings won't allow the ingredients to cohere properly. There'll be an explosion, and you know how hard it is to deny involvement when you're covered in goo," Peter explained.
"What do you know, Pete? You're rubbish at Potions," Sirius countered.
"You'd be rubbish at brewing potions too if you were color blind. But I understand the theory quite well, or need I remind you about that time in fourth year-"
"No!" Sirius interrupted, blushing. "No, I don't need reminded."
"What happened in fourth year?" Lily asked, looking at James.
"James," Sirius warned.
James was chuckling to himself. "Old Padfoot here had a thing for Lydie Collins back then and tried to slip her a love potion, as she wouldn't give him the time of day-being Slytherin and all. Sirius tried to knick the proper ingredients from Slughorn's stores, but he was out of some of them. So Pete and Sirius spent the next week and a half coming up with other ingredients that would cohere the same way. The effects love potion lasted for two months from the concoction they brewed."
Remus looked at Sirius incredulously. "You fancied Lydie Collins? How was I not aware of this?"
"Because you were dating Elliah Wilkinson then and spent all of your waking hours shoved in a broom cupboard with him," Peter answered.
It was Remus' turn to blush. "Oh, right. Well. Still. Lydie Collins?"
"Elliah Wilkinson?" Sirius returned, scoffing.
"You can't even compare Elliah to Lydie."
Sirius sighed. "Point. Lydie was fucking obnoxious. And, admittedly, Elliah has a fine arse. You win this one, love."
Sirius leaned over, planting a kiss on Remus' lips. And now Lily was the one blushing; she'd never seen them do that before. It was apparently normal though, as James was laughing and gave a whistle. Peter shook his head, rolling his eyes.
James pulled Lily tight against him in a sort of half hug. "Now that you're all filled with ice cream, why don't we get you to bed? I'm exhausted myself."
"That's because it's three in the morning," Peter said.
No wonder she felt so tired. Despite her exhaustion, Lily wasn't sure she'd be able to fall asleep, wasn't sure if she wanted to fall asleep. It would be nothing short of a miracle if she didn't have bad dreams tonight.
"Sirius had decided to be all self sacrificing and give up his bed to sleep with Moony," James explained. "You can sleep in mine. I just changed the linens while you were in the shower." Remus cleared his throat, having broken away from Sirius' kiss. "Alright, Moony changed the linens."
"Thanks. I appreciate it."
James nodded. "Sleep well, yeah? I'll put an extra silencing charm up around Padfoot and Moony tonight."
Sirius promptly threw a pillow at James, which James immediately returned.
In between the bouts of inky blackness, nightmares rose. She would be running around a classroom and some faceless figure would be chasing her, grabbing at her. In those brief moments of light sleep, the times when the nightmares were especially vivid, she recalled tossing and turning. And then there was a soothing hand on her brow and a voice-James-telling her it was just a dream.
A crash sounded through the room and then a curse. Lily stirred, sunshine nearly blinding her sensitive eyes. Groping about the bed, the knowledge that she wasn't in her own room pierced her. But then she recalled the previous nights' events and remembered sleeping in James' room.
"Sorry," James said as she sat up in his bed. "I didn't mean to be so loud."
Ignoring him for a moment, Lily looked around to find that they were alone in the room. "Where is everyone?"
"They've gone to breakfast. I'm surprised you didn't wake up earlier. Padfoot isn't known to be quiet in the mornings."
"Why didn't you go with them?"
"Bit obvious, isn't it?" he said.
Lily swung her legs over the side of the bed, and James came to join her. There wasn't much she could say to him; she'd never be able to express her gratitude enough for all that he'd done for her. It scared her how she'd gone from hating the very sight of him to feeling safe only in his arms. What exactly did that mean for her?
James brushed her hair behind her shoulder. "I'm sorry you've had such a shitty year."
"Yeah, me too," she said weakly.
"It'll get better, Lily," he assured, but Lily wasn't sure what world he was living in. "We'll make seventh year a good one, alright?"
He extended his pinky finger to her, wanting to make a promise. While Lily was touched by the gesture, she knew that she might not be able to make good on their little agreement. Muggle-borns were leaving the school every month because of what was happening to them. Lily never thought she'd count herself among their number, but last night changed a lot.
"I don't know if I'm coming back next year, James," Lily whispered.
She expected some form of retaliation from him, but the only thing that escaped his lips was a miserable, "Oh." His hand fell limply to the bed and their promise to one another with it.
"You must think I'm such a coward."
James shook his head. "You're the bravest girl I know. I just…this is what they want."
"I know."
"It'll be lonely here without you. I'm so used to our Muggle Studies meetings that I…I'm going to miss you."
She looked at him. "I'm going to miss you too. I mean, I haven't decided for sure if I'm leaving, but if I did, I would. Miss you."
"Well there's always the post. You'll write to me, won't you?"
"Yes, of course, James, but I'm not sure I'm-"
"It's really strange, thinking you have another year with someone before saying goodbye. But school lets out in two weeks, and I might never…" He reached for her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. "I might never see you again. I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye, Lily."
"Not goodbye, James. Never goodbye," she promised. "Just…maybe 'see you around'."
She felt miserable when she considered never seeing James again, never feeling the gravitational pull between them. But no matter her decision, she would have to meet up with him. He meant far too much to her to ever completely say goodbye to the Wizarding world.
Lily rested her head against his shoulder and thought back to everything Hogwarts had given her-knowledge, self-understanding, friendship, excitement, and perhaps maybe even love. The idea of giving all that up was unbearable, but her very life might depend on it. She would have to cherish every moment of these last few weeks just in case.
~*~
"Can't we make a conscious decision to procrastinate and go outside?" James asked, tipping back on his chair and staring at his Muggle Studies notes as if they were a whale requiring transfiguration into a Knut.
Admittedly, studying did seem rather daunting, even to Lily. It was a picturesque June day, and they'd spent the entirety of the last week taking examinations. The only one that remained was Muggle Studies, which she could definitely pass on her own with little effort. James, however, for all he was able to bull shite, wouldn't without studying.
"No, James."
"But we've been at this for hours!"
"For an hour, you mean."
"But it feels like ages. I need a break."
Lily would regret ever agreeing to it, but James was completely rubbish when he couldn't focus. And he definitely couldn't focus right then. Casting a quick bookmarking charm before closing her book, she sighed and looked at him.
"Alright, break time."
"I could kiss you right now," he said, completely elated.
"Don't get too excited. You've only got ten minutes."
Lily watched him ponder what to do with his ten glorious minutes of freedom. The list would have been a short one for anyone else but him. She could only imagine what was going through his head.
"I've been meaning to talk to you."
Ten minutes and he wanted to have a conversation with her? "About?"
"The dance."
Lily groaned. "James."
"What? It's an annual tradition."
"It's only been an annual tradition for two years," she reminded.
"Go with me, Lily?"
Despite the fact that she thought the dance was silly and a complete waste of her time in years past, she'd nearly agreed to it right then. One night with James all to herself-dancing and touching and flirting. She'd longed for such an opportunity for months. But she'd promised that she wouldn't put herself in a position where someone could slip something in her drink or catch her alone, not after what had happened.
"Sorry, James," she said, unable to look him in the eye.
He sighed. "You don't fancy me anymore then?"
"Of course, I still fancy you! I'm just not going."
"Are you sure?" he asked, defeated.
Lily nodded. "I am. But you should definitely go. And take someone, will you?"
He struggled with the idea; she saw it in his eyes. They weren't dating and they'd never talked about doing so in the future, but they both knew that there was something unavoidable between them. James didn't want to take anyone else, even if Lily asked him to.
"Let's just get back to studying, yeah?"
~*~
By the time the evening of the dance rolled around, Lily was happy to discover that James had decided to take someone after all. She wasn't jealous when the-girl-in-question turned out to be the Captain of Hufflepuff's Quidditch team. Victoria was sweet and pretty and a half-blood. It shamed Lily to admit that that last little bit of information was important to her.
She sat in the common room, curled up on the sofa with another Austin novel and glancing up every time someone came down from the dormitories. Everyone dressed splendidly, and there were plenty of gold and red gowns to be had. Lily admired some and thought of her own dress, perfectly white, hanging in her wardrobe.
When James walked downstairs, Lily thought she had quite possibly fallen in love all over again. He looked dashing in his dress robes, even with his hair a muss, and judging from the smug expression on his face, he knew it.
"What do you think, Lily?" he asked, moving his arms to his sides so she had an open view of him.
Smirking, she shrugged and returned to her book.
Lily felt the sofa cushion sink down next to her. "Come on, Lily. Tell me I'm handsome. Tell me I'm irresistible."
Lily glanced up over the pages. "Perhaps if you'd managed to get your hair to lie flat, you might have stolen a heart or two. But as it stands now, Potter, you haven't a chance."
He gave her a playful push and left her to her reading. She was perfectly content with that, with not going to the dance. Or, at least she was for a little while.
An hour after the festivities had begun, however, Lily realized how miserable she was being the only person not in the Great Hall. It was her last night of sixth year, maybe even her last night ever at Hogwarts, and she was spending it alone.
Not ten minutes after having come to that conclusion, Lily had her gown on, her heels strapped, and a simple glamour on her face, fully prepared to make tonight memorable.
Music blasted through the corridors as she made her way down the staircase to the Great Hall. It surprised her at first that the professors would ever allow it to get so loud. But then again, this dance was about letting students forget about the world looming outside of Hogwarts' walls. For tonight, they could be normal teenagers.
Pausing before she got too close, Lily leaned into the window arch and thought about what she was doing. She didn't want to walk in late and make a spectacle of herself. Well, she didn't want to make a spectacle of herself at all, especially not after being the center of attention for weeks following the Mulciber incident. Then again, would anyone even notice her arrival? Judging from the music and talking, it was unlikely.
The most important thing, and the very reason why she opted out of attending in the first place, was that Lily feared those select few students in there who might try to make her last night miserable. They probably wouldn't even notice her, too busy absorbed in themselves and their friends. There was always that possibility though, and it was that possibility that frightened her.
"Thought you weren't coming."
Lily looked up to see James standing just two steps below her. "I wasn't. How did you know I was here?"
"I didn't. I was actually coming back to Gryffindor Tower to sit with you."
"What about Victoria?"
"Turns out the bloke she fancies had an open dance card, so I told her to go for it." He motioned towards the dance. "It was fun while it lasted and all, but you know what they say: a party isn't a party without Lily Evans."
"Oh yeah? Is that what they say?" she asked, amused.
"They do."
He climbed to two steps, closing the distance between them. This closeness had become familiar over the past couple weeks-leaning heads on shoulders, standing side by side, even the occasional holding of hands. It was progress in Lily's book; she just didn't know what it was progress towards.
But as James stood in front of her, his eyes locked on hers, Lily wondered if she wasn't about to find out. He had that look of desire-the very one he'd had back in that empty classroom at the beginning of the year. Lily felt different under that particular gaze, like a woman rather than a girl. Right then-perhaps the last night they'd ever have at Hogwarts-he wanted her, and Lily wanted him right back.
"You look sexy as hell, do you know that?"
She felt his fingers ghost along her jaw and her eyes closed involuntarily. And when she forced them open as he wound his fingers into her hair, she found his face dangerously close to hers.
"I've been thinking about what you said over the holidays-about how you thought I'd put you under some sort of figurative spell."
She swallowed hard.
"You might not come back next year, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you didn't get this spell lifted, you know?"
Was he…? Oh Christ, he was… All those times they evaded this moment and those times she'd begged him for it…this was it. They'd reached the point of no return and it appeared that neither of them was looking back.
Lily leaned forward and James' lips met hers in one soft, hesitant kiss. It wasn't how she imagined their first kiss, not after her fantasies played out and she'd seen his kisses with other girls. This kiss was sweet and warm, even respectful. It didn't disappoint, but she wanted more.
"Did it break the spell?"
She recognized the fervor in his expression, the one she'd known he'd possessed for years. He'd been holding back, being such a gentleman because he thought that that's what she wanted-one brief kiss, a chance to see what it would be like to be with him.
"A kiss like that couldn't break shite," she whispered, begging him to kiss her properly with her eyes.
In one quick, fluid motion, James pressed her firmly into the wall before she had enough time to process it. His lips were on hers in an instant, supple and frantic, and Lily couldn't get enough of him. This was it-that unbridled passion that she knew him to possess.
His fingers carding through her hair, she bit down gently on his lip and sucked, effectively taking the kiss to another level. James slipped his hands down her sides, his thumbs grazing the sides of her breasts, around her hips and slipping low to her arse. She moaned into his mouth then, pressing into him until she could feel his every, glorious inch.
Gasping, she broke free of James' lips; she struggled to catch her breath, her breasts heaving against his toned chest. Lily looked into his beautiful eyes, and in that instant, tangled with him, she realized that she had made a grave mistake. Kissing James Potter hadn't broken that supposed enchantment, but it had certainly cast one over her.
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Poll Muggle Studies