Brother Of Mine (Chapter 4)
++Jun++
Ryo and I got quite a haul and as we lugged our full pails home, my quiet little brother was even quieter. Normally our fishing expedition together would be their bonding time but this time around Ryo barely got out a sentence to ten of mine. I felt like I was talking to a wall sometimes and it was quite frustrating. I wouldn’t know how to help him unless I get him to talk.
See, last night as I was lying on my bed I had been thinking about a few things. It might seem childish and it might seem naïve but I had formed a plan in my mind - a plan to work things out between Erika and Ryo and a plan to patch things up between Meisa and Kazu. I would totally be interfering but something inside me made me afraid that if I simply sat back, I might not see my brothers happy ever again, at least not within the time I have left.
Therefore, the first part of my plan is to do some sleuthing so I could get information from my brothers. Okay, maybe the word should be snooping instead of sleuthing but snooping has such a nasty ring to it. That was the main reason I suggested this fishing trip today. I wanted to weasel out information from Ryo. He wasn’t very talkative though and when I asked him how things were going on at work all he said was, “It’s fine.”
Fine.
That’s all he would give me. It’s not very reassuring at all. I personally think Ryo is capable of so much but he gives up so easily and that is what bothers me. He did well in college but he completely refused to see that, thinking he would never measure up to Kazu or myself. His lecturers think that Ryo have amazing creative talent and once they called me up, asking me if I could persuade this brother of mine to allow them to send one of his poetry to an international poetry contest that was coming up.
He had flat out refuse; saying something about his poetry being personal and being not good enough. I had no idea how to talk him into believing in himself and his work.
Besides the point, I need to find a way to make Ryo talk. Then again… if I can’t make him talk, maybe I should do something else? I wonder…
“We’re home!” Ryo called out as we I closed the front door behind us. Carrying our haul in, we headed to the kitchen where we found Aunt Ayako stirring something over the pot.
“Ah, you boys are home!” she smiled, “Just in time for lunch. So what did you boys catch?”
She came over to inspect our catch, exclaiming over each fish happily. Trust Aunt Ayako to know how to appease two grown up little boys.
“Where’s Kazu?” I asked her as I helped her unload the fishes into the sink so we could clean them.
“Watching movies in your study,” she replied, “He’s been on a movie watching marathon since morning.”
I sighed. That one too.
But then again, I have more confident that Kazu would be more willing to talk as oppose to Ryo. Kazu and I talk a lot and when we were younger, we confided in one another. When Haruka left, it was Kazu who became my go to ear. I think after he cools down for a bit I’ll be able to get more out of Kazu. Ryo on the other hand, I’m going to need coach it slowly out of him and that’s going to mean spending time with him and leading him gently to the subject.
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When they finished lunch Kazu went right back to him movie marathon. Jun went to check on him and found at least four movie CDs already on the floor beside him where he was sitting on the bean bag. Jun loved movies and he had a huge collection so he himself could sit through a few movies at one go. On the other hand he had never known smart hardworking Kazu to zone out the way he was doing today.
“You haven’t watched this movie before?” Jun asked, flopping down on the floor as he turned his attention to the movie, Ben-Hur, playing on his flat-screen TV.
Kazu grunted something in reply which he discern to mean either a yes or no.
“How many days off do you have?” Jun pressed his brother, hoping to get some sort of legible reply and this time Kazu sighed, pressing one hand over his mouth for a moment before replying, “Just the weekend. In fact, I’m actually surprised they haven’t called me in for something or other.”
“On the weekend of new year??”
“Come on aniki, did you really think a junior associate gets much consideration in anything?” Kazu asked, “I’ve been working six to seven days a work straight since I got into the firm last year.”
God… no wonder things must be bad between Meisa and him. Knowing his brother’s head strong personality, and knowing Meisa’s personality of never really showing her true feelings it’s actually quite logical to think that things would progress this way. A divorce was just his stubbornness talking; Jun was sure of it. Now the question is how can he help them get through this?
“Aniki… can I stay here for a while?” Kazu asked his elder brother suddenly, “I don’t feel like staying at my own apartment right now…”
“Of course,” Jun told him, “This is your home too you know that.”
Kazu sighed, nodding his head and in the back of his mind, Jun knew that Kazu didn’t exactly think that way. Home now was in his own apartment, with his wife. This house belongs to Jun and though he knew very well he was welcomed here it was not HOME home.
“I’m going to go grab some stuff from the apartment,” Kazu said finally, “There are a still a few cases that I’m working on.”
“Yeah okay.”
Yeah okay… that was all he could say, Jun thought regretfully to himself. What else could he say to his grieving brother? He knew he should say more but the blank look on Kazu’s face made him stop. He didn’t want to make the New Year any worst than it already is.
“Say Kazu…” Jun said suddenly, “I want to take a family photograph…”
“Eh? Why?”
Jun shrugged, “It’s been a while since all of us got together. And come to think about it, when had we ever taken a family photograph with Aunt Ayako? We haven’t even taken one with all three of us in it since…”
His voice trailed off but both brothers acknowledged the thought. Not since their parents died.
“Why not,” Kazu said after a while.
He turned off the TV and the DVD player before turning to smile at his elder brother, “Let’s take a family picture.”
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Meisa was an assistant lecturer in Bunka Women University located in Shibuya and Jun consulted the paper with the name of her department again as he walked through the campus. He had sneaked the phone number of her office from Kazu’s organizer when his brother was asleep last night and though he knew Kazu would give him hell later about it, Jun was not too worried about that at the moment.
His sister in law had been hesitant to meet him but she finally agreed after much pleading on his part. His plan was not going to work if he didn’t get his sister in law on board with him. Jun was certain that she still loved his brother very much and all this was a misunderstanding. He knew Kazu well, knew what a stubborn hard-ass mule his brother was and sometimes it was going to take more than mere conversation to get his brother to see the right thing.
The campus was not very big and the buildings were all clean and modern, the landscaping beautifully delicate befitting a woman’s university. The trees and bushes were all bare now but come spring Jun knew that the place would be covered in flowers - sakura flowers, lilies, daisies and a dozen other kind of flowers.
“Above the cafeteria in the social science building,” Meisa had told him. They were suppose to meet there for lunch.
“Excuse me…” Jun said, asking a passing student, “Can you tell me how to get to the social science building…?”
“Oh, it’s the next building to the left…” the girl was saying when a blinding pain overcame him. His eyes glazed over and Jun’s hands involuntarily reached up to grasp his head. The small headaches that had been plaguing him up till now seemed almost non-consequential compared to this one. He staggered for a bit, blinking as the pain ebbed away.
“Sir… sir… are you okay?” the girl’s worried voice brought him back and Jun opened his eyes slowly, groaning as he tried to realign himself.
“Sir?” the girl asked again and he nodded, declining the hand she held out to him.
“I’m fine,” he told her, “I’m fine. Just a little headache…”
“Ah… okay…”
“The next building to the left you said?” he repeated, “Thank you.”
Before the girl could say anything else, Jun left and hurried towards Meisa’s building.
Don’t think about it, he instructed himself, don’t think about it, DON’T think about it. But he couldn’t stop himself thinking about it of course. There was no way he could stop himself thinking of the blinding pain that had gripped him just now.
One of the main reasons why he had gone to the doctor initially was due to persistent aches in his head and a couple of blackout episodes. It had never, however, been this painful or this sudden. That attack scared him; scared him so much. Like something tangible inside him was ticking down and Jun could feel the fear clamp around his head like a cold fist. The fear that told him he might just need to hasten his plans.
Standing in front of the social science building, Jun pressed a hand to his forehead one more time as though confirming his own thoughts. Pulling his coat tighter around him, Jun slowly headed up the stairs. He was not sure at all about how Meisa would respond to his plans but he knew he would not give up for what ever reason.
He walked down the corridor slowly, counting his steps, finding that Meisa’s office was exactly 245 steps away from the main entrance of the social science building. She had an office to herself and as he knocked on her door, she opened it on the third knock. His sister in law was dressed in a deep blue business suit, her knee length skirt long enough to come across as professional, short enough to not seem prude.
“Please,” she smiled, pulling the door open all the way when she saw him standing outside, “Come on in.”
“I’m sorry for bothering you,” he told her, coming into the office and taking a seat on the sofa she indicated to him.
“No, not at all.”
Awkward silence.
Jun didn’t really know where he was suppose to start, didn’t know the exact words to say. In the end he decided to cut to the chase and just jump right in.
“Meisa…” he spoke up, “You love Kazu don’t you?”
The pause made his own breathing catch. His entire plan rested on his belief that Kazu and Meisa were entirely a misunderstanding that could be resolved. Not the fact that they might have fallen out of love.
“I do…” she spoke up, “I’ve always love him… just… just that…”
“Just?”
“I don’t know if HE loves me anymore…”
It was a statement of such infinite regret than Jun’s heart hurt. He hated seeing people sad, much less the people who mean the most to him. There is no hope for his plans unless he was sure that the feelings between his brother and sister in law were still there.
“Wouldn’t you at least try to work it out?” he asked her.
Meisa nodded, “Of course I’m willing to try and work it out. I would try anything to work out my marriage but at the moment, I wonder if I ever have the strength for it… all we do is fight and get angry with one another…”
“Meisa…” Jun spoke up hesitantly, “I want to ask you a favour…”
“A… favour?”
“I know you said you’re tired… but would you be wiling to do something for me? Just say… to humour me?”
“Humour you?”
“I want you and Kazu to give it another try. I think you guys belong together and I don’t want to see your marriage go down the drain this way.”
Meisa lowered her eyes from his, not sure where this conversation is leading.
“Meisa?”
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Getting his sister in law to agree on his plan made Jun feel good, but he had another thing which he needed to attend to. As he arrived at the hospital Jun took a deep breath before stepping into the hospital lobby. He hated coming here. Hated the anguish that hung in this place and the sterile smell of antiseptics that just would not go away.
“Hi, I need to see Dr. Fujiko Naohito please.”
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No,” Jun replied, “But please tell him that Okada Junichi is here. I’ll wait if he’s currently seeing another patient.”
“All right sir,” the nurse at the reception told him and Jun nodded, turning to walk over to the waiting area.
The waiting area was full and Jun averted his eyes, not wanting to intrude on other people’s privacy. Since he was diagnosed with cancer Jun had found himself to be more self conscious than ever before. He found that anytime someone looked at him in the hospital he felt as thought they were silently trying to figure out ‘what was wrong with him?’, ‘what is he sick off?’… those kind of thoughts.
So he didn’t like looking at people in the waiting room. It made his think that they might have the same uncomfortable notion of being placed under a microscope like he feels. The blinding pain in his head from earlier scared the shit out of him and he wanted to talk to his doctor as soon as possible.
Jun was still lost in his own thoughts when he heard the sudden clatter to his left. He didn’t lift his head at first but then he heard a woman speak up.
“Haruka… are you okay?”
“Ye… yes,” a very familiar voice replied, “I dropped my cane… that’s all.”
His head snapped up as though he had been electrocuted. Haruka?
Jun turned to look and nearly stopped breathing when he saw the young girl that the nurse was helping up. She had dark wraparound sunglasses and a long white cane in her hands, and she was someone he knew quite well.
“Haruka?” Jun spoke up before he could stop himself, causing both her and the nurse to turn and look at him.
He saw her clutch the nurse’s hand and he felt his heart skip a beat.
“Haruka?” he asked again.
This time her head turned his way finally but she didn’t say anything. Jun stood up, not too sure what he wanted to do but he found himself taking a step forward against his own violation. He had not seen her in almost a year and to meet her again like this… in the hospital?
What the hell was going on?
“Haruka…” he repeated, his voice faltering as he finally stood in front of her.
Her head was angled towards him but she wasn’t looking at him. Jun’s eyes flickered to the cane in her hand before coming up to take in the dark sunglasses. Oh god… was she… blind?
“Jun…” she spoke up finally. Her voice so soft he barely heard her.
He didn’t know what to say. Honestly, what do you say to girl who you loved more than your own need to breath, but the girl who left you without a word, without an explanation? What do you say when you meet that girl again in the hospital when you are dying and she was… she was blind?
“Hi.”
A weary smile touched her lips before she ducked her head, turning away from him, “Hello Jun. H…how have you been?”
“I’ve… been better I suppose…”
“Ayase Haruka?” another nurse called out and they all turned towards the sound of her voice.
The nurse who had been standing beside Haruka the whole time gently placed a hand on her shoulder, “Come on Haruka, the doctor will see you now.”
“Okay,” she replied, turning away from Jun; walking away from him.
He stood there, watching her walk away, not knowing what else to do. Suddenly his legs felt so weak that they nearly buckled under him and Jun sank into the nearest seat, pressing his face into his hands.
Why does fate think it’s amusing to test him this way? He had not seem Haruka in over a year and now when he was at the lowest point of his life, fate decided to let them meet again? Where is the justice in that?
There was so many whys running through his head that Jun found himself trembling at the thought of them. He had never found himself angry, nor bitter towards the cards that life dealt to him. When his parents were taken away from him - he had learned to cope. When he had been required to quit school in order to support his family - he had learned to cope. When the one woman he had come to love left him - he had learned to cope.
But how much longer WAS he supposed to continue doing so?
How much longer would his life be fate’s plaything? Is there nothing written in his destiny save cruel coincidences that was meant to break him? Wasn’t taking his life away enough for fate?
Now Jun knew why people say that fate is cruel.
It was cruel indeed.
After a whole year of wondering if he would ever find her again, would ever know what the hell happened, fate found it fit to make them meet this way.
What happened to you Haruka, Jun thought bitterly, what happened that you couldn’t even bring yourself to tell me? That you needed to cast away everything that we had between us?
His entire body was shuddering with emotions that he could barely contain and angry tears ran down his cheek.
Life and reality were much crueller than he had ever imagined them to be.