stumbling through our sad parade, jessie baylin/lily aldridge, pg-13
Posting this real quick before I go.
You probably have no idea who these people are. Jessie Baylin is a singer and Nathan Followill's fiancée, and Lily Aldridge is a model and Caleb Followill's girlfriend:
Idk I feel like visuals are necessary for this one:
This fic started out because I wanted to write about pretty girls kissing, and then Caleb/Nathan became a sidepairing and everything got angsty. I don't think I have any further explanation. I also don't think there is anywhere in the world that I can crosspost this. OH WELL.
Title: stumbling through our sad parade
Author: likecharity
Pairing: Jessie Baylin/Lily Aldridge, hints at Caleb Followill/Nathan Followill
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Real person femslash, hints at incest
Summary: A shiver runs through Lily as she realises they're in this together, involved with these hot-headed boys she has to admit she really knows very little about. And this girl she hardly knows is the only person in her life who understands what she's going through.
A/N: Title from 'Was I On Your Mind' by Jessie Baylin.
MAY 2009
The evening draws in and Lily watches from under the shade of the willow trees as people carry on playing in the creek. She squints over the top of her sunglasses (no longer necessary, as the sun has dipped behind the clouds, tinging their edges a glowing pink). Jessie's been paddling with some of the kids, and, sufficiently splashed, she wades towards the bank, clutching the hem of her dress and holding it above the water. She forgot to bring a bathing suit to the Followill family reunion this year, and Lily's spare bikini was too small for her in the chest.
She grins, waves a little goofily, stumbling out of the water. Her dress hitches up and Lily catches a glimpse of bright blue panties.
"Tired of being Auntie Jessie?" she calls out from her spot in the shade, laying on a rickety sun lounger in her blue-and-white striped bikini, one of Caleb's plaid shirts over her shoulders.
"I'm not even an aunt to those guys," Jessie says, looking back behind her at the kids playing in the creek. "What am I, like, a soon-to-be second cousin in law?"
"At least you're a soon-to-be," tuts Lily. Tries to make it sound flippant and fails. Fusses with the towel spread out beneath her.
"Oh, come on," sighs Jessie, a beat too late. She pulls her hair back from her face; the light catches her damp blonde waves glintingly as she pulls an elastic tie from her wrist with her teeth.
"What?" Lily laughs, like it's no big deal. She sits up straighter to pull the towel down where it's folded, and Caleb's shirt falls from her shoulders. "He's never gonna propose."
Jessie doesn't speak, looks a little uneasy now she's realised Lily's serious.
"It's okay," Lily says, even though it's not. "You can say so. We all know it."
She pulls the shirt round, brings it to her face out of habit before realising what a vulnerable gesture it is. She inhales anyway, breathes in the familiar smell of her boyfriend, beer and faint cologne and the oddly-comforting linger of his sweat.
"Except Betty Ann, I guess," she says then, shrugging and laughing again, feeling stupid for it.
"Oh man," Jessie breathes softly. "Lil. Come on."
It's not a subject she's at all comfortable with. The topic of Caleb in general leaves her feeling like she's out of her depth. The snide comments and occasional direct personal attacks are a thing of the past, but even now, they don't talk unless they have to, and insults are still thrown her way almost blindly when Caleb fights with Nathan. She's grown used to it, but the way he acts towards her isn't what she'd want from a brother-in-law, isn't what she gets from Jared, and secretly she thinks the excuses given aren't good enough.
She only ever brought it up once with Nathan, and as well as not getting a clear answer, she learnt just how fiercely protective he is of his younger brother. She knows in her heart he'd never hit her, but as their argument escalated, she honestly feared it. And now it's just something nobody talks about, not even the boys' mother, who is quick to scold Caleb for almost every other sort of bad behaviour.
Lily pulls her shades up onto her head and gives Jessie a Look.
"You know it's true."
Jessie doesn't know. She can't imagine it-though it's clear to her that Caleb loves Lily, and though it's true they've been together for a long time now, she just can't picture him ever really committing himself like that. But Caleb is unpredictable, and she says so.
"He could've bought a ring today, for all we know," she laughs, joking because she's uncomfortable. Bad habit, wrong time.
Lily kind of ignores her, gazes off into the distance. The breeze ruffles her dark hair, teases some strands across her face as she watches the kids come splashing out of the creek and race off into the grass.
"Wow," she says, a little distantly. "Am I a Debbie Downer today or what?"
Jessie smiles, shakes her head. A moment passes. "Hey," she says, then. "Lil, it's okay, you know? He loves you." She pauses, reaches across and presses her fingertip to Lily's nose like a dork, "And I love you."
Lily giggles, rolls her eyes a little. Another moment passes, more awkward than the last like there's tension in the air suddenly. A different kind. They gaze around at the empty expanse of grassy fields leading up to the house, where everyone seems to have gathered. It's starting to get darker.
"I guess sometimes I just feel like his...fuck buddy, wine waitress, whatever," she sighs. "I didn't notice at first because-well, I love him, you know?" She throws her hands up, says it more like it's a curse than something to be proud of, and then she feels bad for it, guilty. "Ugh, ignore me. I'm just feeling sorry for myself."
She has her hand to her forehead now, finger and thumb rubbing her temples, and Jessie grasps her wrist suddenly, tugs it gently down. She looks at her for a split-second and then closes the distance between them with a clumsy kiss, a hasty bump of lips that catches Lily entirely off-guard.
"What-why-?" she stammers when Jessie moves back, looking a little sheepish with spots of colour high on her cheeks.
"Everyone should get at least one kiss a day," she says, trying to sound casual and teasing but her voice wavers, "and I hadn't seen Caleb-"
"Jess, seriously," Lily says.
The other girl is still really close, and Lily can smell her, all sweet heady sun cream and acrid bug spray. Despite drenching herself in both this morning, her shoulders and chest bear the raw rosy-red of a blossoming burn, and there's a white bump of a mosquito bite at the tender skin of her inner elbow. Her dress is damp with creek-water and her hair falls messily around her face from its ponytail, too layered to be pulled back.
"I dunno," Jessie shrugs, one-shouldered, almost childish. "I just wanted to kiss you." A pause. Their eyes meet again. "Is that okay?" She laughs, short and sharp.
Lily feels a little lightheaded and she's only two beers down. But Jessie's right, Caleb hasn't kissed her today. He's barely paid her any attention at all, and sometimes there are days like that, and she gets it, he's temperamental, but she can't help feeling ignored. And here's Jessie giving her her full attention and these big bright hazel eyes, and it feels kind of nice. To have someone listen for once.
And want to kiss her.
"That's okay," Lily says slowly, feels laughter bubbling up from her chest.
She ducks her head a little, feels the pull of their bodies, tilts her chin to take Jessie's mouth. They kiss slow, like it's normal, comfortable, like they don't have to worry about being caught by a passing Followill. Jessie tastes sweet and smoky, warm, and she rests shaky soft hands at Lily's hips, hooks a finger through the waistband of her bikini bottoms.
Lily shifts closer and Caleb's shirt crumples in her lap, tickles her bare stomach. Jessie makes a low sort of sighing sound and the breeze rustles the leaves around them as it grows darker. They can still hear the gentle burble of talk and laughter in the distance, fire crackling, music. The deckchair creaks as Jessie's back arches, as she lifts almost off it to curl her arms around Lily's body.
A shout, which they ignore.
A louder, closer one, which they don't.
Jessie pulls back quickly, slumps in her chair almost masculinely, legs open. She doesn't wipe her reddened mouth, but Lily's fingers go to her own lips instinctively like a cover-up and she can hear her heart pounding in her ears.
It's Alisa. "Have you guys seen Nate and Caleb?" she calls as she stomps over in silver flipflops, earrings jangling. "Jared can't find them."
She stands, one hand on her hip, the other around the neck of a beer bottle.
"Nope," says Jessie, smiles and shrugs apologetically. It's odd, Lily thinks, because she's the one used to her boyfriend disappearing, and Jessie can be pretty clingy when it comes to Nathan. But Jessie just looks at Alisa like it's not her problem. "Not for a while, actually."
Alisa heaves a world-weary sigh. "Jared says he's expecting to hear glass smashing and furniture breaking any second now," she says. She looks at Lily somewhat accusingly. "Did you know Caleb was on the whisky tonight?"
"I'll come find him," she says simply, and Alisa nods, turns, jogs off across the grass. Lily rubs her eyes. She swings her legs off the lounger, shivers and slips her arms into the sleeves of Caleb's shirt. She looks pointedly at Jessie. "You're right, it's not so bad," she says, "sometimes I get to be his minder."
Jessie bites her lip, crinkles her forehead. "Lil..." she says, reaches to stroke Lily's hair, tuck a stray strand behind an ear.
"Hey, this was-" Lily says, stops shortly and stands up. "Let's not-you know?"
Jessie's lips curl into a smile. She stands up, catches her foot on the leg of the deckchair and stumbles, cheeks reddening.
"Sure. Right. Totally."
JULY 2007
Caleb claims he met Lily a few months ago, but Jessie only starts hearing the name after Nathan proposes.
"She's coming to Alicante," Nathan tells her one night.
Jessie tells him she's happy for his brother, but it's not so much that, really. It's hard to care for Caleb's well-being, the way he's been acting towards her for the past month, and she just hopes this girl will take Caleb's mind off trying to ruin her happiness.
They meet at the airport. Jessie's in her sweats with messy hair, an old backpack her carry-on luggage. Lily stands there hanging onto Caleb's arm in a bright floral sundress, sunglasses pulling down the neckline, all long legs and tanned skin. She looks even better than the picture Jessie had in her head of the gorgeous Californian model Caleb's apparently fallen head-over-heels for, and somehow, for some reason, it catches her off-guard.
"Hey," Lily says, breaking into a huge grin with her perfectly straight white teeth.
"Hi," Jessie says, flustered, thrusting forwards her hand because it's the first thing that occurs to her. "Nice to meet you."
It's an oddly formal greeting and one she immediately feels silly for, but Lily takes her hand, still smiling, and asks cheerfully, "You're Jessie, right?"
Jessie can't help but hate the fact that Caleb's probably Lily's only source for information about her, 'cause if he's said anything about her at all, it won't have been good. She babbles, feeling the need to apologise for her dishevelled appearance and saying she just likes to be comfortable when she travels. And then apologises again for implying she thinks Lily's overdressed.
She's so muddled she has to walk through security about three times before she realises what's setting off the alarm is her huge clunky metal watch, hidden by long sleeves. Caleb stands on the other side of the dectector, arms crossed, looking off into the distance, while Lily grins at Jessie. She can't tell if it's a friendly grin or if Lily just thinks she's a total idiot.
By the time they're on the plane she feels somewhat akin to a fourteen year old boy in high school making a fool of himself in front of the head cheerleader.
"I think she likes you," Nathan says, tone teasing, nudging her with his elbow as she hunches over in her seat.
"I think I came across like a lunatic," she mumbles.
She doesn't understand it-she's usually good at meeting new people.
NOVEMBER 2009
When she hears the knocking on the door Jessie foolishly thinks it might be Nathan, coming back to apologise. She dabs her eyes with the crumpled tissues in her hands and goes to answer, greeted by an equally teary-eyed Lily standing in the doorway, forcing a smile.
"You too?" she says, and Jessie just steps aside to let her in.
Their lovers' spats usually correspond like this, and it wasn't so strange at first, they just chalked it up to Nathan and Caleb both being stressed by the same things on tour and taking it out on them. Sometimes Jared would be snippy with Alisa around the same time, or a couple of days after making up with Nate, Jessie would discover that Johanna wasn't speaking to Matt. When they're all on tour together, things get claustrophobic and it's like arguments become contagious. It wasn't a big deal, not at first.
But lately it seems like it's just the four of them and it's becoming more and more frequent. Nate will blow up at Jessie for the littlest thing only minutes after she's seen Caleb and Lily quarrelling on the other side of the room. And tonight, Jessie had just tried to talk to him about plans for the wedding and he was sulky and avoidant of the topic until she called him out on it.
And then he shouted at her. And she shouted back. And things got stupid, and irrelevant issues were brought up, and he ended up storming out, too immature to stay here and deal with it.
That was more than an hour ago.
"They had a fight about something he wrote," Lily says as she sits down on the bed.
"What do you mean?"
"A song they were testing out. That one they've been calling Roseland because that's where they were soundchecking when they first came up with it or something?" Lily says, referring to the Roseland Ballroom in NYC. Jessie nods, remembers the slow sad sound of the song they've been playing around with, instrumental, for the past few weeks. "Yeah. Caleb came up with lyrics."
"And they got into a fight? Everybody?" Jessie asks carefully, puzzled.
"I don't know, that's all I got out of him," Lily says, "before he started yelling at me for no reason."
"But...they seemed okay earlier-"
Lily shrugs helplessly. "I know," she says in a small voice. She lets out a long, heaving sigh, and rubs her eyes. "I don't understand."
Jessie sits down beside her and all of a sudden feels very aware of their proximity. It's been like this lately-fine when they're around someone else but any time they're alone it's like she's hyper-aware of silences and body heat and the fact that she can tell the difference between Lily's perfumes. It's gotten worse since all the fighting, the closeness of the tour atmosphere, the stress of the boys working on the new album.
"Ours was about the wedding," Jessie says, because the quiet of the room is bothering her.
"Oh," says Lily.
Jessie feels even more uncomfortable, remembers her engagement is something she shouldn't talk about with Lily, always feeling like she's rubbing it in her face these days. The two of them stare across the room where Nate's suitcase lies, open, clothes crumpled half-in and half-out of it.
"Can I-" Jessie says, stops abruptly, feeling mortified. "Do you want to-" She stops again, wants to clamp her hand over her mouth. She takes about a second to consider whether she really wants to do this and then says decisively, "Lil."
Lily laughs, does that sigh again, a heavy sound like she's letting all the tension out of her muscles. "Yeah," she says, turns and takes Jessie by the face, pressing their lips against each other.
It feels like it's what she's supposed to do, like it's already written out as the next step in her life's script somewhere and the only thing she can do is prolong the awful, awkward awareness of that. Kissing Jessie has got to be better than waiting for that kiss to happen.
And it is-at first-it feels nice, again, to have the comfort of someone like this when she's just had insults thrown at her all evening, to have arms around her back and soft lips against hers and a warm tongue inside her mouth.
And then they lie down, and Lily's on top of Jessie, and she doesn't think it's okay how much she suddenly feels like she needs this, needs to do this and see if it's different from Caleb, if it's better than Caleb. If it's possible for someone to be better than Caleb, she needs to know that. She's lost sight, over the past couple of years, of how things should be, of how she should be treated, her love for him warping her sense more often than it makes her feel secure.
"I don't really-" says Lily, hand stroking awkwardly down Jessie's stomach and fiddling with the button on denim shorts.
"No, I know, I've never..." Jessie replies quickly, trails off, too surprised at what's happening to say much of anything else.
She swallows, stares at the ceiling, breath hitching when Lily reaches into her shorts, stroking Jessie through her panties. She feels oddly embarrassed by the hot damp fabric between her legs-it's like it betrays her, proves this isn't just some random silly thing they're doing, experimenting or needing each other. She wants Lily. Lily makes her wet.
"Is that okay?" Lily murmurs, then, voice husky and calm. "I don't really-" she says again.
"Yeah, no, that's, oh, that's good," Jessie says, and her voice sounds stupid, and she wonders where Nate is, worries that he'll walk in on this. "Do you want me to-?"
"Yeah, that's probably," Lily says, voice coming out shakier all of a sudden as she rolls over, awkwardly untying her wrap-around skirt with one hand while her other stays resting tucked inside Jessie's shorts.
She and Caleb fucked this morning, first thing, and it's all she can think about when Jessie reaches for her. Everything seemed fine this morning, and all she can think about is how no one's had their hand here except him for a long time now.
They touch without ever really touching, never skin-on-skin. Jessie sort of forgets to breathe, kisses Lily and laughs into the kiss at her own awkwardness. It doesn't help to break the tension, and neither of them are relaxed enough for this to finish like it's supposed to finish, so they just slowly trail off and then Lily rolls over, wraps her skirt back around her.
Jessie shuffles so her head's touching the pillow again, and Lily wonders if Caleb will be in their room when she goes back, wonders if he'll apologise. Wonders if he's the one who needs to.
There's a long moment of silence, both girls just thinking.
And then Jessie says, "Lily," and her voice sounds clear and scared in the quiet heat of the room. "Lily, I don't think I'm ever going to get married."
She cracks at the last words and Lily curls against her, like what they just did didn't really happen, like nothing can be awkward because Jessie needs her right now. But while Lily can hold her tightly, she can't negate Jessie's fears.
The following silence feels like an unspoken agreement between the two of them that this is a bad idea, a stupid idea, an idea that doesn't make any sense and won't help either of them in the long run. When Lily goes back to her room Caleb is passed out on the bed and she curves herself along his sleeping form, lips against his neck, feeling his pulse. He doesn't remember anything in the morning, anyway.
When Nathan comes back it's with a bottle of one of Jessie's favourite wines, and two weeks off in early June next year. He tells her she should start looking for a dress, and she can tell this is it this time, that he means it, that this isn't some vague dream of the future.
But his explanation for his short temper tonight is simply "Caleb." Always "Caleb."
And Jessie begins to think the uneasy feeling in her chest will never, ever, fully go away.
SEPTEMBER 2007
They're in a hotel in Vegas when Lily experiences her first taste of a Followill fight, the realisation of what's to come. Caleb and Nathan are throwing punches and everyone's just acting like it's no big deal, not even trying to go into the room and break things up.
Jared checks his watch. "Give 'em another half hour and then someone'll go up and check they haven't killed each other," he jokes, and Lily just gawks at him.
"It's been worse," Matt informs her like that's supposed to make her feel better.
"Hey," says Jessie, close in her ear, "you wanna go down to the pool?"
They sit in the hot tub in the dark, little flies flitting around in the night air, the slow sound of bubbling water the only thing they can hear until Jessie speaks.
"Everyone tries to brush it off like it's nothing," she says, and in the dim glow coming from the small gleaming disc-lights dotted around the edges of the pool, she looks thoughtful and a little sad. "But it gets pretty bad sometimes."
Lily wonders why the other girl's telling her this, if she's trying to warn her off getting involved with Caleb, if she regrets accepting Nathan's recent proposal. She knows she should listen, though, take whatever advice Jessie can give her. A shiver runs through Lily as she realises they're in this together, involved with these hot-headed boys she has to admit she really knows very little about. And this girl she hardly knows is the only person in her life who understands what she's going through.
"What am I getting myself into?" she asks quietly, dragging her fingers back through her hair and settling in the simmering water, preparing herself for the answer.
Jessie laughs a little, but kindly, gently. She comes closer, shifting smoothly alongside Lily in the water. "Love," she whispers, a little bit mocking but, Lily senses, truthful all the same.
They find Jared and Matt and everyone else still at the bar when they go back in, and Jared tells Lily she'll have to make alternative sleeping arrangements. Sure enough, going up to hers and Caleb's room, she finds Nathan passed out on her side of the bed, Caleb sprawled on the floor.
She leans against the wall and watches them for a long time, wondering if she should wake them, wondering why she can't see any blood or bruises, knowing that tonight may be the first time she's experienced this but that it won't be the last, and wondering if it's worth it. Eventually, she settles a pillow under Caleb's head and goes to room with Jessie.
They talk into the early morning like teenagers at a slumber party, and then later when Lily comes down for breakfast, Caleb and Nathan seem fine. It would be disconcerting if it weren't such a relief. Lily kisses Jessie's cheek first, whispering her thanks, glad she's found a friend.
And then she kisses Caleb, soft and sure, knowing now that she wants to be in this for the long haul.
JUNE 2010
Lily bursts in just as Jessie's getting the finishing touches done to her make-up, pearly-pink gloss dabbed onto her lips. Lily apologises, stands off to the side drumming her fingers on an end table until the make-up girl leaves.
"I found a fucking ring," Lily spits out immediately after the door closes, "in Caleb's pocket. Reciept says he bought it this morning." She's white-faced, fidgeting now with the sequinned pattern of her bridesmaids' dress. "I was just looking for the fucking car keys. Jesus."
Jessie stares at her. "Are you serious?"
"He bought it this morning, Jess. What am I supposed to think? I told Alisa and she was just like, congratulating me. Like, this is what you wanted, right?"
The light buzzes and Jessie's skin feels hot under her make-up.
"And actually, you know what? No. I didn't want him to run off to the jewelers' and buy the first fucking ring he saw the second he realised you and Nate are really serious." She says it with disgust.
"He should've known before now, Lily," Jessie starts, a lame attempt at comfort. "If this is connected-"
"Of course it's connected," Lily says flatly, and Jessie knows she's right. "He should have known but he didn't. It takes cold hard proof for him, okay? And your wedding day's exactly that." She swears under her breath.
Jessie's veil pinches and she takes it off, sets it down on the table, shaking her head. "I don't know what to say."
"I hate this," Lily bursts out. "I just want it to be simple."
It should be, Jessie thinks. It should be as simple as it sounds, a long-awaited engagement, good news that's not tinged with this feeling of uneasiness, this odd kind of suspicion that they don't even understand, beyond knowing something's just not quite right.
"I'm sorry," says Lily, quiet now. "I'm not trying to ruin your big day. I'm just so fucking-why does he have to be like this?"
Jessie stands up, unsteady on heels too high for her. She's taller than Lily as she goes to her, comforting hands pulling her into a hug.
"I wish I didn't love that asshole so fucking much," Lily mumbles into Jessie's shoulder.
"I know, honey."
It's odd to have Lily collapse so completely, to suddenly need Jessie like this. Jessie knows Lily's always been insecure but she keeps it hidden well, tough exterior, acting like everything's okay even when her words betray that. And now she's in Jessie's arms and Jessie's lost again, in too deep. When Lily pulls back only to plunge back in and kiss her, Jessie feels like she's drowning. Lily's lips open, soft, tasting waxy with lipstick, and Jessie's going to be walking down the aisle in less than an hour, supposed to be settling, securing her place in life when it feels completely and utterly out of control.
Everything shifts, turns on its head. Lily pulls back and it feels like someone's snatched Jessie's life raft away.
"I'm sorry," Lily says, runs a hand back through perfectly curled hair. "I just need someone to really love me, you know? Not cling to me because their brother's stopped holding their hand through the hard times."
She stops. Their eyes meet and Jessie feels suddenly terrified, knowing what's coming. "That's all it is, isn't it?" Lily asks desperately. "Tell me that's all it is. I need someone to tell me that's all it is."
There are footsteps outside the door, and their make-up is smudged.
"I can't be that someone," Jessie whispers, wildly, not knowing which 'someone' she means.
Lily laughs, short and hollow, and still somehow scared. "Fucking hell. I know."
Caleb proposes after the ceremony, drops to one knee when everybody's dancing. Lily does her best to act surprised, as does Jessie. (And as does Nathan, because he didn't need to go rooting through his brother's pockets to suspect this might happen.)
Everybody cheers, claps, toasts. Caleb slides the ring onto Lily's pale, slender finger with trembling hands, and later, Lily meets Jessie in the bathroom, shoves her into a stall and kisses her hard, oddly desperate, like she's trying to find something. She hitches up white satin, then slides it back down smooth stockinged legs, realising she doesn't want to shove her hand in Jessie's panties, just her tongue in her mouth.
Jessie eases her against the opposite wall, calms her.
"It's okay," she murmurs. "This is what you want."
She could mean any one of a number of things, could mean several at once. Things they understand and things they don't. Lily's looking at Jessie's hands, at the neat, shining silver band, slotted neatly above the diamond ring which stayed there alone for three years. And then she looks back at her own ring, twists it around her finger.
"I'm sorry," she says quietly, "I just...I didn't want it like this."
She could mean any one of a number of things. At this point, it doesn't seem to matter.
"You're gonna marry him," Jessie whispers soothingly, nuzzles Lily's shoulder.
"Yeah," says Lily, dark eyes shining with tears. "Yeah."
There's a sudden quiet. Jessie leans in. It makes Lily reach for the door handle, but Jessie stills her. She wipes Lily's tears away with the pads of her thumbs.
And holds her like a friend instead of something more.
End.
You probably have no idea who these people are. Jessie Baylin is a singer and Nathan Followill's fiancée, and Lily Aldridge is a model and Caleb Followill's girlfriend:
Idk I feel like visuals are necessary for this one:
This fic started out because I wanted to write about pretty girls kissing, and then Caleb/Nathan became a sidepairing and everything got angsty. I don't think I have any further explanation. I also don't think there is anywhere in the world that I can crosspost this. OH WELL.
Title: stumbling through our sad parade
Author: likecharity
Pairing: Jessie Baylin/Lily Aldridge, hints at Caleb Followill/Nathan Followill
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Real person femslash, hints at incest
Summary: A shiver runs through Lily as she realises they're in this together, involved with these hot-headed boys she has to admit she really knows very little about. And this girl she hardly knows is the only person in her life who understands what she's going through.
A/N: Title from 'Was I On Your Mind' by Jessie Baylin.
MAY 2009
The evening draws in and Lily watches from under the shade of the willow trees as people carry on playing in the creek. She squints over the top of her sunglasses (no longer necessary, as the sun has dipped behind the clouds, tinging their edges a glowing pink). Jessie's been paddling with some of the kids, and, sufficiently splashed, she wades towards the bank, clutching the hem of her dress and holding it above the water. She forgot to bring a bathing suit to the Followill family reunion this year, and Lily's spare bikini was too small for her in the chest.
She grins, waves a little goofily, stumbling out of the water. Her dress hitches up and Lily catches a glimpse of bright blue panties.
"Tired of being Auntie Jessie?" she calls out from her spot in the shade, laying on a rickety sun lounger in her blue-and-white striped bikini, one of Caleb's plaid shirts over her shoulders.
"I'm not even an aunt to those guys," Jessie says, looking back behind her at the kids playing in the creek. "What am I, like, a soon-to-be second cousin in law?"
"At least you're a soon-to-be," tuts Lily. Tries to make it sound flippant and fails. Fusses with the towel spread out beneath her.
"Oh, come on," sighs Jessie, a beat too late. She pulls her hair back from her face; the light catches her damp blonde waves glintingly as she pulls an elastic tie from her wrist with her teeth.
"What?" Lily laughs, like it's no big deal. She sits up straighter to pull the towel down where it's folded, and Caleb's shirt falls from her shoulders. "He's never gonna propose."
Jessie doesn't speak, looks a little uneasy now she's realised Lily's serious.
"It's okay," Lily says, even though it's not. "You can say so. We all know it."
She pulls the shirt round, brings it to her face out of habit before realising what a vulnerable gesture it is. She inhales anyway, breathes in the familiar smell of her boyfriend, beer and faint cologne and the oddly-comforting linger of his sweat.
"Except Betty Ann, I guess," she says then, shrugging and laughing again, feeling stupid for it.
"Oh man," Jessie breathes softly. "Lil. Come on."
It's not a subject she's at all comfortable with. The topic of Caleb in general leaves her feeling like she's out of her depth. The snide comments and occasional direct personal attacks are a thing of the past, but even now, they don't talk unless they have to, and insults are still thrown her way almost blindly when Caleb fights with Nathan. She's grown used to it, but the way he acts towards her isn't what she'd want from a brother-in-law, isn't what she gets from Jared, and secretly she thinks the excuses given aren't good enough.
She only ever brought it up once with Nathan, and as well as not getting a clear answer, she learnt just how fiercely protective he is of his younger brother. She knows in her heart he'd never hit her, but as their argument escalated, she honestly feared it. And now it's just something nobody talks about, not even the boys' mother, who is quick to scold Caleb for almost every other sort of bad behaviour.
Lily pulls her shades up onto her head and gives Jessie a Look.
"You know it's true."
Jessie doesn't know. She can't imagine it-though it's clear to her that Caleb loves Lily, and though it's true they've been together for a long time now, she just can't picture him ever really committing himself like that. But Caleb is unpredictable, and she says so.
"He could've bought a ring today, for all we know," she laughs, joking because she's uncomfortable. Bad habit, wrong time.
Lily kind of ignores her, gazes off into the distance. The breeze ruffles her dark hair, teases some strands across her face as she watches the kids come splashing out of the creek and race off into the grass.
"Wow," she says, a little distantly. "Am I a Debbie Downer today or what?"
Jessie smiles, shakes her head. A moment passes. "Hey," she says, then. "Lil, it's okay, you know? He loves you." She pauses, reaches across and presses her fingertip to Lily's nose like a dork, "And I love you."
Lily giggles, rolls her eyes a little. Another moment passes, more awkward than the last like there's tension in the air suddenly. A different kind. They gaze around at the empty expanse of grassy fields leading up to the house, where everyone seems to have gathered. It's starting to get darker.
"I guess sometimes I just feel like his...fuck buddy, wine waitress, whatever," she sighs. "I didn't notice at first because-well, I love him, you know?" She throws her hands up, says it more like it's a curse than something to be proud of, and then she feels bad for it, guilty. "Ugh, ignore me. I'm just feeling sorry for myself."
She has her hand to her forehead now, finger and thumb rubbing her temples, and Jessie grasps her wrist suddenly, tugs it gently down. She looks at her for a split-second and then closes the distance between them with a clumsy kiss, a hasty bump of lips that catches Lily entirely off-guard.
"What-why-?" she stammers when Jessie moves back, looking a little sheepish with spots of colour high on her cheeks.
"Everyone should get at least one kiss a day," she says, trying to sound casual and teasing but her voice wavers, "and I hadn't seen Caleb-"
"Jess, seriously," Lily says.
The other girl is still really close, and Lily can smell her, all sweet heady sun cream and acrid bug spray. Despite drenching herself in both this morning, her shoulders and chest bear the raw rosy-red of a blossoming burn, and there's a white bump of a mosquito bite at the tender skin of her inner elbow. Her dress is damp with creek-water and her hair falls messily around her face from its ponytail, too layered to be pulled back.
"I dunno," Jessie shrugs, one-shouldered, almost childish. "I just wanted to kiss you." A pause. Their eyes meet again. "Is that okay?" She laughs, short and sharp.
Lily feels a little lightheaded and she's only two beers down. But Jessie's right, Caleb hasn't kissed her today. He's barely paid her any attention at all, and sometimes there are days like that, and she gets it, he's temperamental, but she can't help feeling ignored. And here's Jessie giving her her full attention and these big bright hazel eyes, and it feels kind of nice. To have someone listen for once.
And want to kiss her.
"That's okay," Lily says slowly, feels laughter bubbling up from her chest.
She ducks her head a little, feels the pull of their bodies, tilts her chin to take Jessie's mouth. They kiss slow, like it's normal, comfortable, like they don't have to worry about being caught by a passing Followill. Jessie tastes sweet and smoky, warm, and she rests shaky soft hands at Lily's hips, hooks a finger through the waistband of her bikini bottoms.
Lily shifts closer and Caleb's shirt crumples in her lap, tickles her bare stomach. Jessie makes a low sort of sighing sound and the breeze rustles the leaves around them as it grows darker. They can still hear the gentle burble of talk and laughter in the distance, fire crackling, music. The deckchair creaks as Jessie's back arches, as she lifts almost off it to curl her arms around Lily's body.
A shout, which they ignore.
A louder, closer one, which they don't.
Jessie pulls back quickly, slumps in her chair almost masculinely, legs open. She doesn't wipe her reddened mouth, but Lily's fingers go to her own lips instinctively like a cover-up and she can hear her heart pounding in her ears.
It's Alisa. "Have you guys seen Nate and Caleb?" she calls as she stomps over in silver flipflops, earrings jangling. "Jared can't find them."
She stands, one hand on her hip, the other around the neck of a beer bottle.
"Nope," says Jessie, smiles and shrugs apologetically. It's odd, Lily thinks, because she's the one used to her boyfriend disappearing, and Jessie can be pretty clingy when it comes to Nathan. But Jessie just looks at Alisa like it's not her problem. "Not for a while, actually."
Alisa heaves a world-weary sigh. "Jared says he's expecting to hear glass smashing and furniture breaking any second now," she says. She looks at Lily somewhat accusingly. "Did you know Caleb was on the whisky tonight?"
"I'll come find him," she says simply, and Alisa nods, turns, jogs off across the grass. Lily rubs her eyes. She swings her legs off the lounger, shivers and slips her arms into the sleeves of Caleb's shirt. She looks pointedly at Jessie. "You're right, it's not so bad," she says, "sometimes I get to be his minder."
Jessie bites her lip, crinkles her forehead. "Lil..." she says, reaches to stroke Lily's hair, tuck a stray strand behind an ear.
"Hey, this was-" Lily says, stops shortly and stands up. "Let's not-you know?"
Jessie's lips curl into a smile. She stands up, catches her foot on the leg of the deckchair and stumbles, cheeks reddening.
"Sure. Right. Totally."
JULY 2007
Caleb claims he met Lily a few months ago, but Jessie only starts hearing the name after Nathan proposes.
"She's coming to Alicante," Nathan tells her one night.
Jessie tells him she's happy for his brother, but it's not so much that, really. It's hard to care for Caleb's well-being, the way he's been acting towards her for the past month, and she just hopes this girl will take Caleb's mind off trying to ruin her happiness.
They meet at the airport. Jessie's in her sweats with messy hair, an old backpack her carry-on luggage. Lily stands there hanging onto Caleb's arm in a bright floral sundress, sunglasses pulling down the neckline, all long legs and tanned skin. She looks even better than the picture Jessie had in her head of the gorgeous Californian model Caleb's apparently fallen head-over-heels for, and somehow, for some reason, it catches her off-guard.
"Hey," Lily says, breaking into a huge grin with her perfectly straight white teeth.
"Hi," Jessie says, flustered, thrusting forwards her hand because it's the first thing that occurs to her. "Nice to meet you."
It's an oddly formal greeting and one she immediately feels silly for, but Lily takes her hand, still smiling, and asks cheerfully, "You're Jessie, right?"
Jessie can't help but hate the fact that Caleb's probably Lily's only source for information about her, 'cause if he's said anything about her at all, it won't have been good. She babbles, feeling the need to apologise for her dishevelled appearance and saying she just likes to be comfortable when she travels. And then apologises again for implying she thinks Lily's overdressed.
She's so muddled she has to walk through security about three times before she realises what's setting off the alarm is her huge clunky metal watch, hidden by long sleeves. Caleb stands on the other side of the dectector, arms crossed, looking off into the distance, while Lily grins at Jessie. She can't tell if it's a friendly grin or if Lily just thinks she's a total idiot.
By the time they're on the plane she feels somewhat akin to a fourteen year old boy in high school making a fool of himself in front of the head cheerleader.
"I think she likes you," Nathan says, tone teasing, nudging her with his elbow as she hunches over in her seat.
"I think I came across like a lunatic," she mumbles.
She doesn't understand it-she's usually good at meeting new people.
NOVEMBER 2009
When she hears the knocking on the door Jessie foolishly thinks it might be Nathan, coming back to apologise. She dabs her eyes with the crumpled tissues in her hands and goes to answer, greeted by an equally teary-eyed Lily standing in the doorway, forcing a smile.
"You too?" she says, and Jessie just steps aside to let her in.
Their lovers' spats usually correspond like this, and it wasn't so strange at first, they just chalked it up to Nathan and Caleb both being stressed by the same things on tour and taking it out on them. Sometimes Jared would be snippy with Alisa around the same time, or a couple of days after making up with Nate, Jessie would discover that Johanna wasn't speaking to Matt. When they're all on tour together, things get claustrophobic and it's like arguments become contagious. It wasn't a big deal, not at first.
But lately it seems like it's just the four of them and it's becoming more and more frequent. Nate will blow up at Jessie for the littlest thing only minutes after she's seen Caleb and Lily quarrelling on the other side of the room. And tonight, Jessie had just tried to talk to him about plans for the wedding and he was sulky and avoidant of the topic until she called him out on it.
And then he shouted at her. And she shouted back. And things got stupid, and irrelevant issues were brought up, and he ended up storming out, too immature to stay here and deal with it.
That was more than an hour ago.
"They had a fight about something he wrote," Lily says as she sits down on the bed.
"What do you mean?"
"A song they were testing out. That one they've been calling Roseland because that's where they were soundchecking when they first came up with it or something?" Lily says, referring to the Roseland Ballroom in NYC. Jessie nods, remembers the slow sad sound of the song they've been playing around with, instrumental, for the past few weeks. "Yeah. Caleb came up with lyrics."
"And they got into a fight? Everybody?" Jessie asks carefully, puzzled.
"I don't know, that's all I got out of him," Lily says, "before he started yelling at me for no reason."
"But...they seemed okay earlier-"
Lily shrugs helplessly. "I know," she says in a small voice. She lets out a long, heaving sigh, and rubs her eyes. "I don't understand."
Jessie sits down beside her and all of a sudden feels very aware of their proximity. It's been like this lately-fine when they're around someone else but any time they're alone it's like she's hyper-aware of silences and body heat and the fact that she can tell the difference between Lily's perfumes. It's gotten worse since all the fighting, the closeness of the tour atmosphere, the stress of the boys working on the new album.
"Ours was about the wedding," Jessie says, because the quiet of the room is bothering her.
"Oh," says Lily.
Jessie feels even more uncomfortable, remembers her engagement is something she shouldn't talk about with Lily, always feeling like she's rubbing it in her face these days. The two of them stare across the room where Nate's suitcase lies, open, clothes crumpled half-in and half-out of it.
"Can I-" Jessie says, stops abruptly, feeling mortified. "Do you want to-" She stops again, wants to clamp her hand over her mouth. She takes about a second to consider whether she really wants to do this and then says decisively, "Lil."
Lily laughs, does that sigh again, a heavy sound like she's letting all the tension out of her muscles. "Yeah," she says, turns and takes Jessie by the face, pressing their lips against each other.
It feels like it's what she's supposed to do, like it's already written out as the next step in her life's script somewhere and the only thing she can do is prolong the awful, awkward awareness of that. Kissing Jessie has got to be better than waiting for that kiss to happen.
And it is-at first-it feels nice, again, to have the comfort of someone like this when she's just had insults thrown at her all evening, to have arms around her back and soft lips against hers and a warm tongue inside her mouth.
And then they lie down, and Lily's on top of Jessie, and she doesn't think it's okay how much she suddenly feels like she needs this, needs to do this and see if it's different from Caleb, if it's better than Caleb. If it's possible for someone to be better than Caleb, she needs to know that. She's lost sight, over the past couple of years, of how things should be, of how she should be treated, her love for him warping her sense more often than it makes her feel secure.
"I don't really-" says Lily, hand stroking awkwardly down Jessie's stomach and fiddling with the button on denim shorts.
"No, I know, I've never..." Jessie replies quickly, trails off, too surprised at what's happening to say much of anything else.
She swallows, stares at the ceiling, breath hitching when Lily reaches into her shorts, stroking Jessie through her panties. She feels oddly embarrassed by the hot damp fabric between her legs-it's like it betrays her, proves this isn't just some random silly thing they're doing, experimenting or needing each other. She wants Lily. Lily makes her wet.
"Is that okay?" Lily murmurs, then, voice husky and calm. "I don't really-" she says again.
"Yeah, no, that's, oh, that's good," Jessie says, and her voice sounds stupid, and she wonders where Nate is, worries that he'll walk in on this. "Do you want me to-?"
"Yeah, that's probably," Lily says, voice coming out shakier all of a sudden as she rolls over, awkwardly untying her wrap-around skirt with one hand while her other stays resting tucked inside Jessie's shorts.
She and Caleb fucked this morning, first thing, and it's all she can think about when Jessie reaches for her. Everything seemed fine this morning, and all she can think about is how no one's had their hand here except him for a long time now.
They touch without ever really touching, never skin-on-skin. Jessie sort of forgets to breathe, kisses Lily and laughs into the kiss at her own awkwardness. It doesn't help to break the tension, and neither of them are relaxed enough for this to finish like it's supposed to finish, so they just slowly trail off and then Lily rolls over, wraps her skirt back around her.
Jessie shuffles so her head's touching the pillow again, and Lily wonders if Caleb will be in their room when she goes back, wonders if he'll apologise. Wonders if he's the one who needs to.
There's a long moment of silence, both girls just thinking.
And then Jessie says, "Lily," and her voice sounds clear and scared in the quiet heat of the room. "Lily, I don't think I'm ever going to get married."
She cracks at the last words and Lily curls against her, like what they just did didn't really happen, like nothing can be awkward because Jessie needs her right now. But while Lily can hold her tightly, she can't negate Jessie's fears.
The following silence feels like an unspoken agreement between the two of them that this is a bad idea, a stupid idea, an idea that doesn't make any sense and won't help either of them in the long run. When Lily goes back to her room Caleb is passed out on the bed and she curves herself along his sleeping form, lips against his neck, feeling his pulse. He doesn't remember anything in the morning, anyway.
When Nathan comes back it's with a bottle of one of Jessie's favourite wines, and two weeks off in early June next year. He tells her she should start looking for a dress, and she can tell this is it this time, that he means it, that this isn't some vague dream of the future.
But his explanation for his short temper tonight is simply "Caleb." Always "Caleb."
And Jessie begins to think the uneasy feeling in her chest will never, ever, fully go away.
SEPTEMBER 2007
They're in a hotel in Vegas when Lily experiences her first taste of a Followill fight, the realisation of what's to come. Caleb and Nathan are throwing punches and everyone's just acting like it's no big deal, not even trying to go into the room and break things up.
Jared checks his watch. "Give 'em another half hour and then someone'll go up and check they haven't killed each other," he jokes, and Lily just gawks at him.
"It's been worse," Matt informs her like that's supposed to make her feel better.
"Hey," says Jessie, close in her ear, "you wanna go down to the pool?"
They sit in the hot tub in the dark, little flies flitting around in the night air, the slow sound of bubbling water the only thing they can hear until Jessie speaks.
"Everyone tries to brush it off like it's nothing," she says, and in the dim glow coming from the small gleaming disc-lights dotted around the edges of the pool, she looks thoughtful and a little sad. "But it gets pretty bad sometimes."
Lily wonders why the other girl's telling her this, if she's trying to warn her off getting involved with Caleb, if she regrets accepting Nathan's recent proposal. She knows she should listen, though, take whatever advice Jessie can give her. A shiver runs through Lily as she realises they're in this together, involved with these hot-headed boys she has to admit she really knows very little about. And this girl she hardly knows is the only person in her life who understands what she's going through.
"What am I getting myself into?" she asks quietly, dragging her fingers back through her hair and settling in the simmering water, preparing herself for the answer.
Jessie laughs a little, but kindly, gently. She comes closer, shifting smoothly alongside Lily in the water. "Love," she whispers, a little bit mocking but, Lily senses, truthful all the same.
They find Jared and Matt and everyone else still at the bar when they go back in, and Jared tells Lily she'll have to make alternative sleeping arrangements. Sure enough, going up to hers and Caleb's room, she finds Nathan passed out on her side of the bed, Caleb sprawled on the floor.
She leans against the wall and watches them for a long time, wondering if she should wake them, wondering why she can't see any blood or bruises, knowing that tonight may be the first time she's experienced this but that it won't be the last, and wondering if it's worth it. Eventually, she settles a pillow under Caleb's head and goes to room with Jessie.
They talk into the early morning like teenagers at a slumber party, and then later when Lily comes down for breakfast, Caleb and Nathan seem fine. It would be disconcerting if it weren't such a relief. Lily kisses Jessie's cheek first, whispering her thanks, glad she's found a friend.
And then she kisses Caleb, soft and sure, knowing now that she wants to be in this for the long haul.
JUNE 2010
Lily bursts in just as Jessie's getting the finishing touches done to her make-up, pearly-pink gloss dabbed onto her lips. Lily apologises, stands off to the side drumming her fingers on an end table until the make-up girl leaves.
"I found a fucking ring," Lily spits out immediately after the door closes, "in Caleb's pocket. Reciept says he bought it this morning." She's white-faced, fidgeting now with the sequinned pattern of her bridesmaids' dress. "I was just looking for the fucking car keys. Jesus."
Jessie stares at her. "Are you serious?"
"He bought it this morning, Jess. What am I supposed to think? I told Alisa and she was just like, congratulating me. Like, this is what you wanted, right?"
The light buzzes and Jessie's skin feels hot under her make-up.
"And actually, you know what? No. I didn't want him to run off to the jewelers' and buy the first fucking ring he saw the second he realised you and Nate are really serious." She says it with disgust.
"He should've known before now, Lily," Jessie starts, a lame attempt at comfort. "If this is connected-"
"Of course it's connected," Lily says flatly, and Jessie knows she's right. "He should have known but he didn't. It takes cold hard proof for him, okay? And your wedding day's exactly that." She swears under her breath.
Jessie's veil pinches and she takes it off, sets it down on the table, shaking her head. "I don't know what to say."
"I hate this," Lily bursts out. "I just want it to be simple."
It should be, Jessie thinks. It should be as simple as it sounds, a long-awaited engagement, good news that's not tinged with this feeling of uneasiness, this odd kind of suspicion that they don't even understand, beyond knowing something's just not quite right.
"I'm sorry," says Lily, quiet now. "I'm not trying to ruin your big day. I'm just so fucking-why does he have to be like this?"
Jessie stands up, unsteady on heels too high for her. She's taller than Lily as she goes to her, comforting hands pulling her into a hug.
"I wish I didn't love that asshole so fucking much," Lily mumbles into Jessie's shoulder.
"I know, honey."
It's odd to have Lily collapse so completely, to suddenly need Jessie like this. Jessie knows Lily's always been insecure but she keeps it hidden well, tough exterior, acting like everything's okay even when her words betray that. And now she's in Jessie's arms and Jessie's lost again, in too deep. When Lily pulls back only to plunge back in and kiss her, Jessie feels like she's drowning. Lily's lips open, soft, tasting waxy with lipstick, and Jessie's going to be walking down the aisle in less than an hour, supposed to be settling, securing her place in life when it feels completely and utterly out of control.
Everything shifts, turns on its head. Lily pulls back and it feels like someone's snatched Jessie's life raft away.
"I'm sorry," Lily says, runs a hand back through perfectly curled hair. "I just need someone to really love me, you know? Not cling to me because their brother's stopped holding their hand through the hard times."
She stops. Their eyes meet and Jessie feels suddenly terrified, knowing what's coming. "That's all it is, isn't it?" Lily asks desperately. "Tell me that's all it is. I need someone to tell me that's all it is."
There are footsteps outside the door, and their make-up is smudged.
"I can't be that someone," Jessie whispers, wildly, not knowing which 'someone' she means.
Lily laughs, short and hollow, and still somehow scared. "Fucking hell. I know."
Caleb proposes after the ceremony, drops to one knee when everybody's dancing. Lily does her best to act surprised, as does Jessie. (And as does Nathan, because he didn't need to go rooting through his brother's pockets to suspect this might happen.)
Everybody cheers, claps, toasts. Caleb slides the ring onto Lily's pale, slender finger with trembling hands, and later, Lily meets Jessie in the bathroom, shoves her into a stall and kisses her hard, oddly desperate, like she's trying to find something. She hitches up white satin, then slides it back down smooth stockinged legs, realising she doesn't want to shove her hand in Jessie's panties, just her tongue in her mouth.
Jessie eases her against the opposite wall, calms her.
"It's okay," she murmurs. "This is what you want."
She could mean any one of a number of things, could mean several at once. Things they understand and things they don't. Lily's looking at Jessie's hands, at the neat, shining silver band, slotted neatly above the diamond ring which stayed there alone for three years. And then she looks back at her own ring, twists it around her finger.
"I'm sorry," she says quietly, "I just...I didn't want it like this."
She could mean any one of a number of things. At this point, it doesn't seem to matter.
"You're gonna marry him," Jessie whispers soothingly, nuzzles Lily's shoulder.
"Yeah," says Lily, dark eyes shining with tears. "Yeah."
There's a sudden quiet. Jessie leans in. It makes Lily reach for the door handle, but Jessie stills her. She wipes Lily's tears away with the pads of her thumbs.
And holds her like a friend instead of something more.
End.