September Tears Part 8/9
Parts: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |
That same day, the driver drops Kame and Jin off at Jin’s old apartment and the rest of KAT-TUN decide to leave them alone. Everyone slowly files out the door, shouting back goodbyes and farewells and Kame walks them all to the door while they wave at Jin and smile and pretend to be happy and okay and like they’re all taking this well.
Kame can read them too well, though.
Once they’re out of the door, Kame closes it behind himself and turns to Ueda and Maru, the two closest to him and looks them in the eye, his expression solemn.
He places a hand on both of their shoulders and says reassuringly, “You guys, don’t worry, alright? Jin will be okay, he’ll be okay, I promise you. I’ll do my best to take care of him as much as I can, but I don’t want the burden of Jin’s condition of make you all worry. He’s going to be okay.”
Ueda and Maru look at Kame back, not sure what to say to him.
“I appreciate you taking such good, meticulous care of him, Kame, but please do let us take on the weight of this burden once in a while,” Ueda replies quietly, his eyes flickering with sorrow and remorse.
“Yeah, I know you want the best for us, but don’t forget to take care of yourself,” Maru adds.
“That’s what friends are for, Kazuya,” Koki turns around and smiles at him.
Kame smiles back and nods and suddenly Junno jumps in and says, “Oh no, is Kame sick too? Why is everyone worried about Kame?”
Everyone ends up laughing and they disperse with Kame smacking Junno on the head and bidding them farewell. He promises them repeatedly that Jin will indeed be okay.
When they are gone, Kame opens the door and sees Jin sprawled out on the couch, his eyes misting over and the rest of his face hidden behind his hands, and Kame thinks to himself that he’s never said a bigger, more painful lie than that one he has just told to all of his closest friends’ faces.
-
Kame snuggles against Jin on the couch, their fingers entwined and their breaths uneven. The cold, desolate apartment is even lonelier than the last time Kame’s visited and he wishes they were somewhere sunny and happy and problem-free.
They flip through an old stack of photo albums pulled out from Jin’s closet-dust bunnies and mothballs covering everything like a blanket. Kame has a coughing fit. He’s always been allergic to dust. Every page is filled with rows and columns of either pictures of Akame or just Kame by himself or Akamepi.
“You have so many pictures of me…why?” Kame whispers, running his fingers over an especially old, personal favorite Akamepi picture. Suddenly, he has an overwhelming urge to see Pi.
Jin kisses Kame’s hand and blinks slowly, “Because I love you,” Jin says effortlessly, without hesitation.
Kame’s breath hitches and he turns to Jin, too afraid to look in his eyes because of what he mind find lurking there.
He strokes Jin’s hand and says, “You’re a miracle. All of this, Jin, this is a miracle. It’s a miracle that you’re still here, smiling at me.”
Jin nods, silently, smiling, and looks up at Kame, tears streaming down his cheeks. He nods again and squeezes Kame’s hand.
“I wonder how long this miracle will last,” Jin whispers, his voice breaking. He ends up sobbing against Kame’s shoulder. Kame has never seen Jin so helpless, so sad.
“We should give Pi a call, I haven’t gotten a chance to have a real talk with him ever since we came back yet,” Kame changes the subject, reaching for his phone in his pocket and fishing out his Sidekick.
When they first came back to Japan, Pi came to see Jin once, maybe twice, but Johnny’s are always extremely busy so he never stayed for long-he seemed too preoccupied with his work and his girlfriend and other trivial matters to worry about Jin. Yamapi has a new girlfriend, she’s pretty and petite and well spoken. She’s a European girl who speaks Japanese; her hair deep brown with streaks of blond and everyone likes her. Kame doesn’t. He’s always been good at reading people and she gives him a bad vibe.
Kame calls Pi and tells him straightforwardly that he should not bring anyone else but his stupid ass over here to Jin’s place-and most importantly do not bring his girlfriend. Yamapi reluctantly agrees, sounding slightly insulted but everyone knows to listen to Kame when he sounds like he means it.
While Kame calls Pi, Jin calls his mom and invites her over too.
An hour later, it’s the four of them at Jin’s dining table. Jin’s mom is still really nice-she just looks frustrated and tired. After all, her son is dying, no one expects her to be smiling and shining like her usual self. Kame wonders secretly if maybe he’s like this too.
“Jin, anyways, I was talking to your doctor and he suggests that you undergo chemotherapy as soon as possible. It’s the best thing for you right now,” his mom says quietly, patting her son’s hand gently. Her worry shows.
Pi turns to Jin and looks at him gravely, “Jin, you know your mom is right. That’s a choice you’ll have to make soon-it’s crucial,” he says in a serious tone. Kame observes Jin’s reaction.
Everything’s been going fine for an hour or so. The conversation has been smooth up till now-they were just talking about how Jin was such an awkward klutz as a child and how Kame used to trail after him like a little leech. Then along came Pi and it was the three of them - the little miniature three musketeers. Jin was laughing just moments ago, the emotion in his eyes shifting suddenly from somber to carefree for a fraction of second.
And then this subject is brought up.
Kame observes Jin carefully-he sees a dangerous anger brewing in those deep hazel eyes.
And before he can calm Jin down, it’s already too late. Jin explodes and loses it, his features going wild and adrenaline rushing through him as he smashes a fist down on the glass table, causing the entire thing to shatter to the ground in sharp, deadly shards. Jin’s mother screams at him and Pi is wide-eyed, shocked, and speechless. Kame tries to calm Jin down but it’s vain, wasted; Jin shoves Kame aside and his hands clutch at his own head. Tears of desperation and anger spring out his eyes and shuts them, blindly screaming at the three people backing away from him.
“LEAVE. NOW. JUST GO. I didn’t tell you to come over here and talk to me about how I’m dying. You think I don’t know that? You really think I don’t understand what’s happening to me? That’s the last thing I want to hear about. So please…just leave then if that’s all you came here to say to me,” Jin thunders, his voice suddenly loud, grating - unpleasant, harsh, raspy sounds.
They all leave, stunned and shaken. Kame is already used to this, but it still makes him scared when Jin gets like this. Kame knows half of it is not Jin’s fault. It must be extremely difficult to control his emotions.
They are all quiet outside of the apartment, not sure what to do next. They don’t want to leave but neither do they want to stay.
“It’s okay. Yamapi, Akanishi-san, please leave this to me…I’ve been getting accustomed to Jin’s occasional outbursts; I know how to deal with this. But it’s getting late, I think you two should hail a cab home,” Kame says in a hushed voice, ushering the two down the stairs.
“Kamenashi-kun, I know you really care for my little Jin, but his behavior is dangerous, you could get hurt,” Jin’s mom begins but he stops her.
“Trust me, Akanishi-san, I know how to handle this. I don’t want you two to worry too much. Just meet me at the hospital tomorrow, we’ll deal with everything then,” Kame assures her, placing a warm hand on her shoulder.
Pi is still speechless and shocked.
“I’ll take care of Jin to the best of my abilities. I know he will be okay. I promise Jin will be okay. Really, I know he will make it through this,” Kame lies again for the second time that evening.
---
After that, Jin's health plummets, going downhill at an awfully fast rate. The doctors at the hospital even look shocked and scared. The last option they have is for Jin to have chemotherapy. If they want to save Jin’s life, they have to do this.
Jin’s mom consents and KAT-TUN shows up at the hospital, asking too many questions and not knowing what’s going on. Kame doesn’t have the energy to explain to them everything that’s happened so he keeps to himself, slouches in the corner of Jin’s hallway. Ueda joins him a couple of hours later after they have been informed of all the things going on with Jin.
Ueda doesn’t say much, just gives Kame a comforting hug and sits beside him, a cup of thick, creamy coffee fogging up his black-rimmed glasses as he watches Kame type his script. Kame doesn’t stop until the knuckles in his fingers protest with pain and ache.
“Your knuckles are gonna get arthritis if you keep at that,” Ueda says silently, sipping on his fourth cup of coffee already. Kame hasn’t kept track of the time but when he looks out of the window, it’s already dusk.
Kame turns to Ueda, an overpowering feeling of helplessness and desperation sinking in his stomach.
“I wish there was something else I could do, Tat-chan, I really do. But I promised Jin that I would never let our story end so the most I can do is keep that promise,” Kame says, struggling to keep his voice steady and strong, but he falters and it cracks. Ueda doesn’t say much more; Kame has a feeling that Ueda understands, somehow, someway.
---
The chemotherapy helps somewhat.
Jin’s condition bounces rapidly, almost abruptly from good to bad. One day he’s himself all of a sudden and the next he’s be half-conscious, pale and weak. There’s a lonesome park down the street from the hospital and on Jin’s good days, when he’s sick of throwing tantrums and suffering from mood swings, he asks Kame to take him down to the park.
The walk there is always the best part; they get to take their time, Kame knows it tires Jin out when he has to walk at fast speeds. So they always wander, linger, stroll relaxingly. They pet the little dogs they see along the way. One time Jin asks Kame how come Ran-chan was never around back in Kame’s apartment in New York. Kame looks sad when he tells Jin about the orphanage taking care of her for Kame because he’s always so busy. He tells Jin how the kids really love Ran-chan and how he comes to visit every now and then. Jin looks peaceful and nostalgic when he hears this. Kame feels sad.
“I miss her,” Kame confesses.
“Yeah, I do too,” Jin says.
Sometimes Jin throws stones at the birds in the trees because he says they’re annoying. They feed the ducks in the little green pound even though the sign right in front of them says not to feed the ducks. They stretch out on the green, green grass, lie side by side and huddle together; sometimes they cry, and sometimes they laugh.
When they stare up at the bright blue sky, Kame makes Jin promise that once he’s gone, he’s going to hug Kame if he ends up becoming the clouds in the sky.
---
Kame is holding Jin’s hand. It’s sort of cold and limp in his lap but Jin is looking at him, blinking slowly, slowly like he’s sleepy. He looks strangely content. They’re talking about Jin’s mom and how she worries too much. Suddenly, Jin is uncharacteristically quiet. He looks at Kame, still blinking sleepily.
“Ne, Kame, you’ll remember to keep your promise, right?” Jin asks in a whisper.
Kame nods. “Of course.” Slowly, a huge lump forms in his throat and Kame gasps, tears instantly filling his eyes, threatening to spill over, any second now. Jin is hooked up to foreign looking machinery and gadgets and beeping contraptions and tubes all around his body. Kame is sometimes afraid to touch him, afraid that he will break.
Jin sighs, long and slow. He smiles a faint, fading smile at Kame, reassured.
“Kame, I think I’m going to go to sleep for a little bit…just…just gonna close my eyes for a second…I’m so…so tired,” Jin says, his voice dragging, his eyes are already closing. “So unbelievably tired…I’ll be awake before you know it,” he continues.
Kame’s throat begins to choke him, he swallows the heaviness of the lump and nods, forcing a smile, a thick stream of tears streaming down his cheek.
“Yeah, I know you’re tired, Jin…have a good nap…” Kame says, his voice breaking.
“Don’t cry…I’ll be…awake soon…” Jin whispers dimly, his indistinct voice fading.
The salty water blurs Kame’s eyes as he leans in to kiss Jin.
And then the cardiac monitor makes a long beep, a flat line flashing relentlessly on its screen.
---
Kame doesn’t really know what happens next, just a big blur of people filing in and out, Akanishi-san hovering at the window like a ghost, her lips pulled in a thin line; doctors and nurses and numerous people shoving Kame out of the room and trying to heart pump Jin back to life, but the flat line doesn’t change and the long beep continues. Kame is lost in a daze, a surge of the rest of KAT-TUN swarms up to him and asks him what happened, and Kame doesn’t say anything.
He doesn’t know what to tell them.
Koki shakes Kame’s shoulders to bring him out of his trance but Kame doesn’t respond, he doesn’t feel like he’s himself anymore. It feels like he’s just a walking empty shell.
Kame watches with a blank expression as Maru’s and Junno’s expressions change from confused to shocked to agonized. Their crying faces are scary and ugly in front of Kame as he stares at them. All of them crushed and stomped on. Kame has never seen so many people in pain at once. It’s like watching a depressing war movie.
When Ueda and Yamapi mistake Kame’s blank and empty expressions for heartbreak and hug him tightly, Kame just looks up at the ceiling and doesn’t say anything else but, “Jin, you lied to me, you said I could go with you everywhere for eternity…but now I can’t follow you anymore…you lied…”
---
Originally, it was Kame’s responsibility to take care of all the funeral details and arrangements but Akanishi-san offers to take over, sensing that Kame is not exactly himself at all right now. He flicks through his calendar and realizes that it’s February.
Five months. Jin’s strength held out for five months.
Kame sifts through his old things and finds an all black outfit-for the funeral. Kame still can’t absorb the fact that Jin is not around anymore. Kame can still feel him around his old apartment. He can sense Jin’s lingering presence in the shotgun of Jin’s car, his smell is still strong in Jin’s bedroom and every time Kame accidentally calls Jin’s cell phone number, he doesn’t really acknowledge Jin’s not going to pick up anymore until he hears the voicemail of the machine instead of Jin’s former recorded one that obnoxiously went “HAAIIII~ AKANISHI JIN HERE! PLEASE LEAVE ME AND MESSAGE AND TELL ME YOUR NAME, AGE, AND WEIGHT AND I’LL CALL YOU BACK AS SOON AS I CAN. OBVIOUSLY, IF I DON’T CALL YOU BACK, I DON’T LIKE YOU”.
Jin used to call Kame back every single time he left a voicemail.
Kame gets like ten million sympathy cards flooding his mailbox but he doesn’t read most of them, just the ones that look like they’re not from fans. He gets about a couple thousand voicemails and calls from people in the company, from the press, from the paparazzi, one from Junno, two from Maru, and five from his own mom.
There are photographers and mobs of the media and reporters camped outside of Jin’s apartment where Kame is staying. Rhetorical questions are shouted all night long and Kame shuts his mouth, doesn’t utter a single sound. Kame doesn’t watch TV anymore or check his email or listen to the radio-he doesn’t even read the newspaper. He knows too well what will be all over the news right now.
Jin’s mom is usually around, ordering Kame to get the guest list organized and make sure the florists and the funeral arrangements are paid (this is all she ends up assigning Kame to do). She tries to comfort him as much as she can but is usually busy herself, bustling around everywhere, making billions of calls every day and wearing herself out.
Kame can relate-she just wants to make herself busy and swamped with things to do so she doesn’t think too much.
---
To Kame’s surprise, the funeral is one of the things that are actually bearable. It’s a closed casket funeral so Kame is relieved-he doesn’t have to worry about throwing up because of staring at Jin’s corpse too long and then convincing himself that Jin is going to open his eyes and come back to life any second. That’s probably the last thing that Kame wants to do.
Everyone is wearing black, a heavy, gloomy cloud hangs in the atmosphere and Kame does that little tightly pulled back line across his lips as his eyes cloud over. Junno looks aberrantly unlike his usual smiley self, bright and cheerful-instead he is quiet, somber, and submissive. This scares Kame. It bugs him the most.
The rest of KAT-TUN is the same, a whole row of men standing next to each other staring at the white daisies lining the coffin and it’s hard to tell who’s crying and who’s not behind their thick sunglasses. Well, Maru is an exception since he’s making an awful racket with all that sniffling.
Ueda is even more reconciled and vexed than he usually is and that makes Kame worry too.
He wants to be selfish for once. He wants everyone else to just stop being so depressed over Jin and let him take all the hardest blows, all the tears, and all the misery. Kame knows he can handle it.
The question is what can he not handle, after this?
---
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