fic: Just a Love Machine. rating: Blue Cortina
Title: Just a Love Machine
Author: totallywow
Rating: light Blue Cortina for swearing and light sex-related jokes
Pairing: No pairings! Gosh. If you wanted to see it, there's probably Sam/Gene in there, and a sort of Sam/Ray-ness... but... not really. Annie, Sam, Gene, Ray & Chris all feature.
Word Count: 1,117 words.
Spoilers: 2.01 - a bit.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Only in my dreams.
Summary: Sam freaks Annie out and embarrasses himself. Actually.. this is quite cracky. Yep.
A/N: Heheheheee. Sorry. I don't know where this came from.
Annie almost skipped into work early Friday morning. She had the strangest dream last night. She was a singer, a famous star in a girl band. She remembers that she had won her place in this girl band through a television competition. Annie knows she can’t sing but she likes to think she can dance as well as the next girl on the dance floor of a club. However, she’s hardly a professional. She blushes as she remembers certain saucy outfits she wore out on stage, how odd it was to be so famous, and she begins to hum the tune of some lyrics she remembers clearly as she puts her bag down underneath her desk and begins to organise for the day ahead.
“Hm, de de de, de de, feeling my fantasy, give me a kiss… or three… dede de…”
Annie was aware of eyes staring at her, and turned sideways to see Sam, his jaw dropped, looking at her like she’s grown an extra head.
“What is it, Sam?” She smiled.
“That - that song - you were just singing”
Annie blushed profusely.
“Oh, don’t mind me, Sir, just a ridiculous dream I had, a silly song...”
“No, Annie,” Sam was frantic, he held her arm, “you were singing a song - and please, just listen - from the future. I know that song. It’s from the future.” Sam said the words slowly as if he was the rational, sensible one trying to educate a silly little child.
Annie pursed her lips, not wanting to laugh because he needed help; but it was rather amusing.
“Ok then, Sir.”
“No. No. That’s a song from the future, Annie! This girl band from the future - they sing that song - I know it. I know it.” His eyes were wide and desperate and Annie realised that he actually believed this. She wasn’t sure whether she should laugh or cry.
“It’s called Love Machine - that's the song - by a band called Girls Aloud. That’s the band’s name, believe me.”
Annie stilled momentarily. The bands name did ring a bell… no… it’s impossible… Girl… Girl something, but if Sam knew the name of the band in her dream…. well, that was very strange indeed.
She smiled at Sam and hope he’d leave it alone now.
“I’m just a love machine, feeding my fantasy, give me a kiss or three, and I'm fine” Sam sang, quietly, but loud enough for anyone in the office to hear. Thankfully it was deserted.
“Those lyrics... the tune… ok, they are familiar, but what does that prove, hmm? You could be making it up, Sam. You heard me a sing a little, and you’re just making the rest of it up. Now please, Sir, can we just forget about this?”
The fact that Sam could just be making up stupid lyrics worried Annie even further. The door to the office opened slightly.
“I need a squeeze, a day, instead of this negligee, what will the neighbours say, this time?” Sam sang, much more loudly, with more enthusiasm and so much clearer than before, staring intently at Annie. Annie bit her lip but Sam could see the grin on her face, he grinned back, she understood - she remembered! - oh God, she believed him, they were in this together -
An absolute roar of laughter made him flinch as he turned around to see his DCI laughing so hard it looked like breathing was proving a problem, DS Ray Carling weeping as he laughed and choked at the same time and DC Chris Skelton bent over laughing into the floor. Sam stood stock still wishing the ground would just open up and take him right now. He turned round and glared at Annie. Annie raised her eyebrows and made an innocent “what?” face. He knew it was her way of punishing him for more ‘future’ talk.
The three men were still wheezing and gasping and giggling like girls when he looked at them.
Gene was the first to stand up straight but one look at Tyler and he collapsed into fits of giggles, leaning on a standing up, arms folded and highly amused Ray for support.
“Ooh, Tyler, would love to see yer in that sexy negligee!” Gene bellowed, finally getting a grip of himself, standing tall and grinning. Another attack of chuckles and snorts ensued.
“Aye, Boss, I’ll give yer a squeeze then” Ray and Gene almost merged into one as they leant into each other, roaring. Chris stood next to the Guv and grinned manically.
“I thought yer were good with the birds, Boss. D’ya reckon I should wear some bird’s pants, then, does it work fer you?” Chris chewed his gum and laughed. Gene slapped a hand down on Chris’ shoulder, extremely happy to see his picky, irritating Inspector squirming with humiliation opposite him.
“No wonder Cartwright’s keeping ‘er knickers on with lines like that! Bloody singin’ shit about wearin’ her bra! Bloody ponce.”
“Only you, Boss”, came the muffled insult from Ray as he lit a cigarette.
Sam knows he can’t defend himself - what can he tell them, except for the truth and make everything a hell of a lot worse? His colleagues now think he’s a cross-dressing nancy boy who sings cheesy lines to pretty girls about wearing knickers and what not, but he remains silent, it's the only thing he can do unless he fancies a trip to a mental hospital, and it'll more than likely be the last trip he'll ever make. He shudders as he thinks briefly of Crane.
However, it’s still the single most embarrassing moment of his life so he turns to storm out before the blush on his face takes over.
“Gone to get yer skirt on, Tyler? Got the arse fer it, ‘asn’t ‘e, lads?”
“Ooh yeah, he’d make a lovely bird, Guv! Can just see ‘im with ‘is lippy all done up, nice an’ proper”
Fucking Carling. He can never resist the urge to pick at him especially if the Guv’s doing it too. The tosser probably gets off on it. He feels like making his own suggestions alluring to Gene and Ray being so “close” but the door slams behind him.
The three men compose themselves as Sam isn’t there anymore to tease.
“Oh, he’ll be so embarrassed now,” Annie says, trying to feel sympathy for Sam but a giggle takes over.
“Who cares? What, yer like a man in a dress, do yer, Flash Knickers?”
Annie picks up her own forgotten about dirty tea cup from her desk, and Chris’ from his. Her fellow DC and both her superior officers remember they need a cuppa. She nods and smiles, because she doesn’t really mind and she’s going to get one for herself anyway. The Guv seems to have forgotten about the question he asked her, so as soon as she’s holding the door open with her shoulder, she calls back:
“Oh, and Guv? Like you were sayin’…. if he’s got the arse for it, why not?”
She leaves before she can see or hear their reaction, beaming.
*