Fic: Neat and Tidy, nepthys_uk, Green Cortina
Title: Neat and Tidy
Author: nepthys_uk
Characters: Other (inc. references to Sam & Gene)
Rating: Green Cortina for innuendo and implied slashiness.
Word Count: approx.1000.
Disclaimer: Belongs to Kudos and the BBC. This is just for fun, not for profit.
Notes: The further adventures of Edith and Edna (# 2). More cleaning silliness for those requesting a sequel - just goes to show you should be careful what you wish for. Unbeta'd.
Sequel to Spick and Span.
Followed by Bright and Shiny
“Good Heavens! Just look at this, Edith!”
“Disgraceful, that. And him in charge, and all.”
“You’d think he’d make more of an effort to keep his own office tidy. Set an example, you know.”
“But all these papers on the floor…do you think they’ve been burgled?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Edith, who would burgle a police station!”
“Well, it’s either that or there’s been a very small whirlwind in here. At least the desk is clear, I suppose.”
“Hmpf. I didn’t know there was a desk under all those files. Pass me the Pledge, would you?”
“I’ll just have to sweep all these papers in a big pile. I mean, I don’t know which one goes where…”
“Just look at this desk - I don’t know what these stains are, but I’m going to need that extra-strength disinfectant.”
“Mind yourself with that: it can give your skin a nasty burn. I would dilute it first, if I were you.”
“Hmm. It’s going to need a good scrubbing, too.”
“Later on, shall we try that new café? I’ve heard they do smashing cream cakes.”
“Is that the one with the spotty lad behind the counter?"
“Oh, no - I’m not going back there, not after the French Fancies I had last time. Now then, let’s see…Oh, look: there’s another empty scotch bottle in the bin.”
“Isn’t that the third this week?”
“Yes!”
“Ah - but it looks like he was sharing - see the glasses on the top there, Edith?”
“Ooooo yes!”
“Let’s have a gander - any lipstick on them?”
“Edna! I’ve heard some funny things about DCI Hunt, but I don’t think he wears lipstick!”
“I don’t mean his glass, dear, I mean did he have a woman in here?”
“Oh. No…doesn’t look like it. Anyway, he wouldn’t, would he.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did I not tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“Oh, that’s right, I was going to tell you, then I got distracted when we saw Ray outside and I had to tell you about how he split up with Janice because she two-timed him with that hairdresser, although I think it was only to get a cheap perm…”
“I’m not getting any younger, here, Edith.”
“Well, I spoke to Marjorie the other day, and she says he’s moved in! Him from Hyde!”
“What, with Marjorie? That’s very broad-minded of her husband…”
“No, not with Marjorie, for goodness sake, with DCI Hunt! Marjorie’s sister says that he moved in last weekend. With boxes and everything. So you see: just goes to show!”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Edith! There’s nothing unusual about having a lodger. My uncle Peter had one for years.”
“Never married, did he, your uncle Peter.”
“Well, not as such, no…”
“And isn’t he the one who liked musicals?”
“Lots of people like Judy Garland. Pass me that cloth.”
“Open your eyes, Edna. It’s going on everywhere, you know!”
“All right: I’ll grant you, Uncle Peter’s lodger did have a lisp and a cat called Byron, but I think DCI Hunt’s more of a Western man, what with that poster.”
“Oh. Well. Maybe.”
“I don’t hold with all that violence. I like those lovely old films, you know, with girls being girls…”
“Ooooh, yes, like Doris Day?”
“Yes. And men being men - like that lovely Rock Hudson. I love Pillow Talk. Not that I get much of that at home.”
“Your George still being a bit funny?”
“Well, first the light had to be out. Then he couldn’t do it before a darts night in case it spoiled his game. Now he says he can’t do it with the dog in the room. But then he has got a nasty nip on him…”
“That’s a bit racy, for your George.”
“Not George, the dog, Edith, the dog!”
“Oh! Not much else in this bin - wonder what he had for his breakfast?”
“Well, I usually give him Pedigree Chum.”
“Not the dog, Edna, DCI Hunt!”
“Ohhh. No signs of a bacon butty, then?”
“No. Ah, but that all makes sense! Marjorie said that lad’s been bringing shopping in - apparently, he likes to cook!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“So, do you think he’s sort of the girl?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if - and that’s a big if, Edith - if they are doing it, is that Hyde lad the woman in bed, do you think?”
“Edna!”
“What!? You’re the one who keeps going on about it!”
“Well. I don’t think you can tell just by looking.”
“That’s true enough. Can’t judge a book by its cover.”
“No. Look at that new bus conductor.”
“What about him?”
“Turns out he has a glass eye and three ex-wives.”
“Oooooh, and you wouldn’t have thought he had it in him.”
“It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it. Pass me the bucket, would you?”
“Careful with that leather sofa, Edith, it needs proper cream on it.”
“Ah. Erm. I think it’s already had it.”
“What…?”
“Well, what does that look like to you?”
“I’m sure I couldn’t say what that is, but I would put rubber gloves on if I were you.”
“Oh, come on, Edna!”
“Really, Edith, even if they were doing it, they’d hardly be doing it in here, would they!”
“Don’t see why not.”
“Well, there’s not much room on that sofa, for a start.”
“There’s room enough for a bit of slap and tickle, believe you me! And what about the desk?”
“You’re not suggesting that they…well, how?”
“I imagine one of them bends over and the other one…you know. Calls round the tradesman’s entrance.”
“Oh my God!”
“For heaven’s sake, Edna, it’s not that shocking--”
“No, it’s not that! Just - I’ve put full-strength disinfectant on it!”
“Oh Lord. It will probably be all right when it’s dried. But just in case, you rinse the desk off with a load of water, while I see what I can do with this sofa.”
“Right. By, I’ll be ready for a cup of tea after all this. But I tell you what, Edith--”
“Hmm?”
“--I’ve gone right off cream cakes.”
Endnote: imagine my amusement when I looked up Pedigree Chum (to check that it was being manufactured in 1973/4) and found this: http://www.definition-of.com/pedigree+chum