Fic, Useless, Brown Cortina, by DorsetGirl

[dorsetgirl]

Title:    Useless

Author: DorsetGirl

Fandom: Life on Mars

Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters or their universe. BBC/Kudos do. I’m not making any money out of this.

Rating:  Brown Cortina for strong language

Warnings: Depressed Sam, not entirely in his right mind.

Pairings: Sam/Gene implied

Word Count: 810

Summary: Sam is still desperately weak after

Comments

[scotschik]

This is really powerful. You've managed to express the thoughts/feeling of depression so well I may have to print it out to show a few friends...

Its heartbreaking to see Sam so broken, both physically and mentally, especially to contrast it with Gene's willing Sam on in Fighting to Survive.

I'm with everyone else hoping you will write more, and if you are still taking suggestions, I think it would be interesting to see Sam finally back at work. Or maybe a snippit of what brought on the whole kidnap in the first place... but whatever you come up with, I'm sure to love it!

*add to others in mems*

[dorsetgirl]

This is really powerful. You've managed to express the thoughts/feeling of depression so well I may have to print it out to show a few friends...

That is a major, industrial-strength compliment; thank you so much. I'm a bit gob-smacked by what people have said on this issue, because a lot of this just came from my own thoughts. Which is a bit worrying.

In addition to Breaking Through which has since been posted, I have another one, possibly two, pieces for this, and I don't know if there will be more. I'm not sure about Sam back at work, although I do have some ideas for Gene setting the conditions under which he will allow Sam back to work.

I'm just so pleased people are still enjoying it. (If that's the right word...)

[wesseling]

I continue to love this series. Sam’s struggle rings so true in this.
I’m quite enjoying reading it in non chronological order. Makes me use my brain more. XD

I’d also like to know why Sam was kidnapped and if Gene has caught the kidnappers.

[dorsetgirl]

I'm glad it's working for you; it certainly works better for me this way, because I get to write what I feel like writing - what I have in my head - rather than "the next chapter" which I'm not very good at.

I've never thought about whether Gene has caught the kidnappers - I'll give that some thought when I've written up the other ideas. Thank you.

[nepthys_uk]

This was actually quite difficult for me to read because its so raw and so very real (that's a compliment, by the way :D). Sam may not be entirely in his right mind, but you have certainly got into his head as you've expressed his depression-skewed thought processes in such a believable and convincing way.

More scenes from this storyline would be great, but they work brilliantly as they stand.

[dorsetgirl]

This was actually quite difficult for me to read

Ah, the twisted world of h/c, where such a statement is a deep, deep compliment... Not that I set out to write h/c, I've never really seen the appeal. This all filled in from behind the ending as it were. I would never have started this story at the beginning and worked through to the end.

you've expressed his depression-skewed thought processes in such a believable and convincing way.

I've been very gratified and not a little surprised at the comments I've had on this piece; I'm glad it's believable. Thank you!

[saintvic]

This is a excellent addition to this series. I really like how it leads into Fighting to Survive as much as it stands by itself. It lets us see Sam's state of mind and why Gene had to deal with him as he did. The depth of despair that you show feels very realistic both to the situation and the character. This line in particular stood out for me:

He finally understands how much of him is defined by what he does, and now he can’t do it, maybe he isn’t who he was any more. Maybe he’s no-one now.

[dorsetgirl]

I'm glad this works for you as a believable lead-in to Fighting to Survive; just as well, really, given that Fighting to Survive was written first!

I've always felt that in the show, Sam is defined almost totally by his job - inevitable to an extent, given his situation, but I think we saw that in 2006 as well. I think he would feel he was no-one if he couldn't do his job any more. Thank you for commenting; I really appreciate you and others taking the time to feed back.

[mikes_grrl]

I'm with Ducky here: You captured the flavor and desperation of depression frighteningly well. That feeling that no matter how much you have accomplished in life or how much you achieve (in this case, Sam in recovery) you are still useless, and worthless, and undeserving of respect or love. Yes, that's it, I'll vouch for that (unfortunately).

As terrible as the events are that you describe, this is a wonderful piece, though, in that you (once again!) have tuned in beautifully to Sam's interior world. I've said it before and I'll say it again: you may be madly in love with Gene (who isn't???) but when it comes to writing, it is in exploring Sam's inner life where you just flat out SHINE.

This line really hit home for me, btw:
He doesn’t count the days or the nights; they’re all the same anyway.Oh ghod, yes...yes, I remember that feeling, which was not numb because it was so filled with self-loathing. Where every day you HOPE that hating yourself a little more will at least be some kind of accomplishment. *shudders

[dorsetgirl]

Wow, what a complimentary comment - thank you.

You captured the flavor and desperation of depression frighteningly well.

You think it's frightening? How do you think I feel, when this is direct from my own thoughts?! It's been a bit of a shock to have people say it's so realistic!

I'm glad you think it is, though. It just fell onto the paper virtually in one long stream of consciousness, and it took a very firm hand to turn it into something readable, during which I thought it had lost a lot of the feeling, so I'm happy that you think it worked.

Thanks for commenting.

Re LJ: Haven't had time to think about it yet - don't really know where to start. All I know is if I use my kids' Windows accounts (to grab five minutes without waiting for my account to load up) I can't log on to LJ at all, so I can't get into anything that has the adult content warning on it.