[fic] The Rent-Boy and the Fat Copper
TITLE: The Rent-Boy and the Fat Copper
AUTHOR: Janni
WORD COUNT: 697.5
STYLE/WARNINGS: Crack. Brown Cortina. I almost wrote “crap,” except if it were that, I wouldn’t bother posting. But it’s most assuredly sheer, unadulterated crack. With profoundest of apologies to Charles Dodgson, who must surely be spinning in his grave. Seriously. I hear he makes the loveliest yarn... >3
AUTHOR’S NOTES: Filkity filkity filk. Of a sort. Misappropriation as well. Woe.As my worst best ideas often do, this came to me while I was doing something else completely and had no way in which to commit this to paper. Or electronic paper substitute. So it stayed and gestated in my head for far longer than it probably should have done, and the result is what you now see here. *g*
DISCLAIMER: All components herein are property of their respective authors. No infringement is intended and no money is being made, and I’m fairly certain you can discern who did what here, amiright?
THE RENT BOY AND THE FAT COPPER
The sun was shining on the docks,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"
The docks were wet as wet could be,
The road was dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.
The Rent-Boy and the Fat Copper
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of land:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"
"If seven maids with seven mops
Scrubbed it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Rent-Boy said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Fat Copper,
And shed a bitter tear.
"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Rent-Boy did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do much more than four,
To give a hand to each."
The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
The Rent-Boy and the Fat Copper
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
"The time has come," the Rent-Boy said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Fat Copper.
They thanked him much for that.
"A turned-down bed," the Rent-Boy said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."
"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Rent-Boy bent.
"Do you admire the view?
"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Fat Copper said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"
"It seems a shame," the Rent-Boy said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Fat Copper said nothing but
"The lube is spread too thick!"
"I weep for you," the Rent-Boy said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his moonlit thighs.
"O Oysters," said the Fat Copper,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
AUTHOR: Janni
WORD COUNT: 697.5
STYLE/WARNINGS: Crack. Brown Cortina. I almost wrote “crap,” except if it were that, I wouldn’t bother posting. But it’s most assuredly sheer, unadulterated crack. With profoundest of apologies to Charles Dodgson, who must surely be spinning in his grave. Seriously. I hear he makes the loveliest yarn... >3
AUTHOR’S NOTES: Filkity filkity filk. Of a sort. Misappropriation as well. Woe.As my worst best ideas often do, this came to me while I was doing something else completely and had no way in which to commit this to paper. Or electronic paper substitute. So it stayed and gestated in my head for far longer than it probably should have done, and the result is what you now see here. *g*
DISCLAIMER: All components herein are property of their respective authors. No infringement is intended and no money is being made, and I’m fairly certain you can discern who did what here, amiright?
THE RENT BOY AND THE FAT COPPER
The sun was shining on the docks,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"
The docks were wet as wet could be,
The road was dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.
The Rent-Boy and the Fat Copper
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of land:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"
"If seven maids with seven mops
Scrubbed it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Rent-Boy said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Fat Copper,
And shed a bitter tear.
"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Rent-Boy did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do much more than four,
To give a hand to each."
The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
The Rent-Boy and the Fat Copper
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
"The time has come," the Rent-Boy said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Fat Copper.
They thanked him much for that.
"A turned-down bed," the Rent-Boy said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."
"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Rent-Boy bent.
"Do you admire the view?
"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Fat Copper said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"
"It seems a shame," the Rent-Boy said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Fat Copper said nothing but
"The lube is spread too thick!"
"I weep for you," the Rent-Boy said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his moonlit thighs.
"O Oysters," said the Fat Copper,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.