Numb3rs: "The Weight of Secrets for a Secret Agent" by bergann
Title: The Weight of Secrets for a Secret Agent
Author: Janne (bergann)
Fandom: Numb3rs (/Stargate Atlantis)
Pairing/characters: Colby Granger (Colby Granger/Evan Lorne)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don’t own anything! Nothing at all.
Prompt: 558. Numb3rs: Colby Granger: The real reason Colby hasn't had a date since coming to LA.
Summary: The first one arrives twelve weeks after Evan’s left. Colby isn’t sure where to send a reply, and so he doesn’t think to write one. It turns out it doesn’t matter, they keep coming every twelve weeks anyway.
Warnings: Probably some abuse of the timelines for both shows. Very mild sexual situations.
Author's Notes: This grew way more complex than I had ever planned it to be. Geesh. Buttloads of thanks and hugs to semirose for the beta ♥
Evan leaves on a Monday, two bags full of clothes and belongings that Colby has to admit he's gotten used to seeing around. Evan's standing in the doorway, one bag over each shoulder, and Colby grins, awkward and wrong-footed, shrugging one shoulder and they both laugh nervously. They've never been good at this - at talking when it matters, and everything that needs to be said has already been said in the two weeks since Evan got the orders.
"I'll see you," Evan says and Colby takes a chance, they’re in the shadows in any case, and snakes a hand to the back of Evan’s neck and presses their lips together briefly.
"Yeah," Colby says and then pats him on the back and steps away, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. They both smile, tight, then Evan walks to the taxi and within a month the rest of the stuff left in Colby’s apartment is gone.
Colby's left Denver for Los Angeles and Evan’s apartment in Colorado Springs, where he’d requested his stuff go should Colby up and move, remains untouched by Colby.
*
Los Angeles feels weird after a year and a half in Denver. The apartment is nice even though it doesn't have a pool, which Colby feels robs him of a proper LA living experience, but it's spacious enough to hold both of their crap, even if some of the shelves are overly-crowded. Everything seems to be gathered there; DVDs, books, weird stuff Evan would come home with, a couple of photographs, Evan's massive geology books. But he'd tried putting just his stuff there, and it had looked kind of wrong, like it wasn't his at all.
He's unpacked the last box when Sinclair calls, tells him they've got a homicide on a federal judge's wife, and that he can't get a hold of Eppes. "Give me five minutes," Colby says, memorizing the address Sinclair gives him and changes into a suit quicker than he's ever done before. The gun slides down his back easily and familiarly, like it isn't a habit he's been suppressing during his time with Evan.
Surprisingly, he gets there before Sinclair does, who gets out of his car as Colby is talking to the first policeman to arrive on the scene.
"Get a hold of Eppes yet?" Colby asks, turning away from Officer Jakeson, and walking together with Sinclair to where the judge is sitting.
"Yeah, he'll be by in ten," Sinclair says, grinning a little at the fact that Colby's forgotten Eppes' first-name rule when it comes to the team. "Judge Trelane? I'm Special Agent David Sinclair and this is Special Agent Colby Granger. Is it alright that we ask you a couple of questions?"
The office reminds him a lot of the one in Denver; different city, different people - but it’s the same government feel of it that Denver had been so full of. They all seem pretty okay, but Reeves turns out to be a profiler, a fact that makes Colby uneasy. He's certain his act is solid, but he doesn't like knowing a profiler is near. It puts him at risk of discovery, while he still wonders what she'd profile him as. A liar? Deceiver? Sad, hopeful bastard unable to let go? Or just a normal agent who has been in the Army? It simmers under his skin, enough so that he maybe goes against the JFA a little harder than strictly necessary. But it would have worked, he's certain of that, if Sinclair hadn't backed out of it.
And what the hell are wolf tickets anyway?
*
The first one arrives twelve weeks after Evan’s left, inside a white envelope.
Colby isn’t sure where to send a reply, and so he doesn’t think to write one. It turns out it doesn’t matter, they keep coming every twelve weeks anyway.
Colby digs out the DVDs and is about to send them, when he changes his mind and sends along a travel bag of M&Ms too.
*
"Team dinner," Don announces, tapping a pen against the wall of Colby's cubicle. "Dad's insisting."
"What, tonight?" Colby asks, shares a look with David. "We're in the middle of a case -"
"Yeah, I know, but it's not like we're getting anywhere, right?" Don points out, and it's true since they can't really do anything except paperwork until Charlie gets back to them. "And you gotta eat too, right?"
"Yeah, right, okay." Colby agrees and flicks a pencil at his computer screen. "Beats take out."
"Right, good." Don agrees, grinning as he looks over at David, raising an eyebrow.
"Sorry Don. I've got a date tonight. I rescheduled once, I'm not doing it again for you guys." David says, swiveling smugly in his chair. Colby rolls his eyes at Don who is shaking his head and laughing.
"Megan, you in?" Don asks.
"Sorry guys, I can't make it. I finally found a gym that has the classes late enough for me to attend."
"Okay. Then it looks like it's just you and the Eppes' tonight, Colby."
"What about Amita?" Colby asks, ignoring the way David and Megan are grinning at him behind Don's back.
"I don't know, Charlie just said she had some thing to attend." Don says and finally settles into his chair. "Why, the thought of an evening with me, Charlie and my dad isn't making you rethink, is it?"
"Of course not." Colby says grinning, and focuses on all the paperwork this case is generating.
*
The door closes shut in the other room with a click after Don and Charlie, Don shouting a last word of reassurance that Colby won't be needed for this right now and they'd call him later if anything else popped up.
"Seems like it's just you and me, Colby," Alan says, voice of a father who has gotten well-used to his sons running off and accepted it as part of life.
"Well, I don't like passing up the chance for more chicken," Colby answers, reaching for the pan. The moment feels weird, the fact that he's sitting in his boss' brother's house having dinner with his boss' father.
"Any reason why David and Megan couldn't make it?" Alan asks, once the silence has lasted long enough for Colby to regret not insisting harder that he should go with Don and Charlie. "Or did Don just forget to invite them?"
"David has a date, apparently," Colby says, and has to admit that awkwardness aside, it might be worth the chicken. "Once it was out, he wouldn't shut up about it. And Megan's got some yoga-class she's apparently been hunting down for a while."
"You done any of that lately?"
"Yoga? Not really my thing." Colby grins, forces the uneasy feeling down. Alan might let it go.
"No, I meant dating." Then again, he might not.
"Not for a while," Colby says vaguely, since Alan always gives him the feeling that he'll know a lie.
"And how long is a while?"
"Like, a year?" Colby guessed, poking at the rice. "I mean, technically, I haven't been on a date in years, but around a year is probably most accurate."
"So what, you're in a relationship that's lost its spark?" Alan asks and doesn't sound like he'd be all that surprised if Colby answered 'yes'.
"More like I'm in a relationship that has a lot of space between us to keep us safe." Colby says, focuses with new intensity on the dish and wishes Alan didn't have that aura of knowing when you're lying and being deeply disappointed for doing it, even when the lies haven't been said yet. Colby would have loved to lie right now. "Though it probably wouldn’t be my life that suffered most from it."
"So what you mean to say is that - oh, ah." Alan says and Colby's been watching as the gears change, can see the sudden bloom of understanding on Alan's face. "Ah."
"Yeah." Colby says and rubs a hand over his face. "Nobody really knows."
"Well, I'm honored that I - well, that I pried my way in on the secret." Alan says and passes another beer over. "Well I can't say this didn't come as a surprise, but Colby, if you want anyone to talk to, I am usually available." Alan grins, and Colby releases a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding. "Or should he ever be in the neighborhood, you're welcome for dinner."
"Yeah, thanks man." He says, grinning back and clinks the bottom of his bottle against Alan's.
"I never expected chicken to be a dish of confession," Alan admits, and Colby laughs, looking down at what's left of the bird on the plate.
"Learn something new everyday, right?"
*
*
"Looks like you've got a visitor," David says as they're escorting a suspect to the interrogation room. Colby glances over at his workspace, vision blurred slightly from the t-shirt he'd had to use on the cut he'd been given while fighting the bastard David's walking in - and sees Evan slouching in his chair.
"Right. Can you -? It'll only take like a minute." Colby asks, even though he's already walking away from David. "Evan!" Colby says, once he's close enough that shouting isn't necessary, watches as his chair spins around and Evan gets to his feet. "Hey man, this is a surprise! What are you doing here?"
"We got sent back, the whole team," Evan says after a hug that’s too quick and has Colby wanting to lean forward and press his lips against Evan's, to try and erase nearly two years of absence that Colby can feel simmering under his skin stronger than ever. But they're in the middle of the FBI offices, so he steps back still grinning and the blood-stained t-shirt is clasped in his hand, forgotten, until Evan reaches first out towards him - stopping in mid-movement and redirecting it to gesture at his own forehead.
"Oh, right." Colby says, looks through his drawer for a bandage. "Bastard hit me with a rock." Evan looks like he just remembered a funny joke, but he makes Colby sit and fixes the bandage on over his right eyebrow as he talks.
"We got a new command," Evan says, and already it sounds rehearsed, thought through, and Colby figures he'll live just fine with the de-classified version. "A lot of us got scrubbed, and I had some time-off gathered up so I thought I'd go see LA."
"Well, it's good to see you again," Colby says as Don walks out of the elevator. "It'll probably be a while before we're done here. The guy we just brought in might be the key to the case we're working on."
"And he hit you with a rock," Evan says, and again there's the expression on his face like an inside joke is being remembered.
"Colby, did you get Lincoln?" Don asks and is slapping a file against his palm. "What happened to you, man?"
"He hit me with a rock when I surprised him from around the corner." Colby says and strokes a thumb over the edge of the bandage. "David's got him in interrogation."
"That sucks, man." Don winces and pats him on the shoulder, glancing at Evan. "Who's this?"
Evan says, "Evan Lorne," and sticks his hand out as Colby says, "He's an old friend of mine from that tour in Afghanistan."
"Ah right, an army man, then?" Don asks, shakes Evan's hand. "I'm Don Eppes, Colby's boss."
"Air Force, actually." Evan says, and even though he's shaking Don's hand, his eyes slip back to Colby. "I didn't mean to interrupt your case, so I'll get going."
"Yeah, sure, man." Colby fishes his keys out of his pocket as Don's distracted by Megan reporting on the prints they'd lifted off the scene, and hands Evan the extra apartment key he'd had made - he couldn't say why he'd done it in the first place, but obviously not a bad plan. "I'll call when I'm done here, we can get take out, catch up."
"Alright, well, let's go lean on this guy." Don says, turning back around and Evan's already started walking away. "Charlie suggested the tit for tat approach again, I say we just lean on him first."
*
The apartment is dark when he gets home, but Evan's bag is in the hallway and Colby takes a trip into the kitchen to find the number for Chinese take-out before he walks into the bedroom to find Evan sacked out on top of the covers, hair sticking out like maybe he's been sleeping all day.
"Jet lag?" Colby asks, leaning against the doorframe. Evan moves remarkably quick, fast movements like sudden wakeups have become part of his life - like he's not expecting to be in Colby's bed in LA, but rather wherever it is that he got sent home from still. For a moment Colby thinks he's about to fall off the bed, and his body poises itself to spring forward in case he's needed, but then Evan's got himself back under control and is squinting at Colby in the dark.
"Something like that," Evan answers, and reaches out with one hand, fingers curling around Colby's wrist and he's being tugged forward, the calculation off enough that they end up sprawled back on the bed. Colby revels in the long-missed feeling of Evan's body stretched out under his own for a moment. They're both smiling when Colby leans down and kisses him warmly, slightly desperate after so long apart, tongue hunting down new tastes in familiar places.
The doorbell rings after ten minutes and Colby groans at bad timing from where Evan's got him on his back, hands pinning his hips as he licks and nips at Colby's neck. He pauses at the second chime, sits up and his weight on Colby's hips makes Colby's eyes close. "I - ordered Chinese." Colby says, slightly breathless, and Evan moves off him and into the hall.
There's the sound of the door opening, Evan's voice mixing with a stranger's in small talk as money is exchanged for food and Colby hasn't even blinked in the time it takes for the door to close before Evan's back. "The food's going to be cold," Colby points out, realizing Evan's hands aren't carrying the takeout.
"Doesn't matter," Evan says, shrugging, slowly getting back on the bed. "I've eaten a lot worse than cold Chinese takeout the past couple of months."
"Oh yeah? Like what?" Colby asks and Evan saves himself from answering by kissing him intently and he laughs once he realizes that somehow Evan's managed to sneak a bite of Chinese in the short amount of time it took him to get from door to bedroom. Colby's tongue chases the taste of Chinese from Evan's mouth and doesn't spare a thought to much of anything else for once.
*
Colby still has work in the morning. He untangles himself from Evan reluctantly, who makes a small, sleepy noise of protest. Colby's almost tempted to call in sick except the guy they'd brought in yesterday, while not actually being helpful, had carried a piece of code on him that Charlie should be done with sometime today.
The shower wakes him up some more, makes him more optimistic about the day, and when he enters the bedroom he sees that Evan's rolled over into the space he left behind, no doubt drawn to it by the heat. He's pulled the t-shirt over his head when he feels Evan's eyes on him - turning around as he's pulling on the jeans. "You have any plans?"
"It's LA," Evan says, grinning. "I figure I'll just enjoy the sun. Call my sister. Why don't you have a pool?"
"I was going to get one, except then I realized I didn't have the money for it." Colby hesitates briefly before he slips the gun into the back of his jeans, and ignores the amused look Evan is giving him. "Federal pay isn't that good."
"You should have mentioned something. I mean, half my stuff's here and I've got money I don't know what to do with." It's the first time it actually hits Colby what he's done; emptied out the apartment in Colorado - more Evan's than his, because he'd never been able to settle down there and the one he'd been paying for had been even more foreign to him - and taken both of their stuff to another state without even asking. Evan hasn't said anything though, doesn't look mad even now that they're so close to discussing it, and Colby studies him as he fastens the badge at his hip.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I guess I wasn't really thinking, was I?"
"I don't mind," Evan answers, sounds fondly amused and he's smiling. "Never liked living in Denver anyway. Now a place in LA, that's something to talk about, even if there's no pool."
"Well, there's always the sea," Colby grins, relieved and glances at his watch. "I'll see you later. Tell your sister hi." And he leaves before the complex emotion on Evan's face registers with him.
*
He doesn't get a chance to really think about it until late lunch-time. Charlie had figured out the code, leaving David and Colby to dig through a garbage truck that had over $150,000 worth of high-tech equipment hidden in it to sneak out of the city. He's still fairly certain he smells, even after showering and changing into the spare clothes stored away at the office.
He certainly smells worse than David, who detoured home. But even with the high-tech equipment relocated they still don't know who stole them, and Colby has a strange want for the case to be over by the end of the day and decides to spend the extra time looking over the case files.
But by the time David returns with lunch, Colby can't help but think about it. The thing is they really haven't told anybody before Alan, and Evan doesn't even know about that yet. Colby's pretty sure no one knew they were more than just good buddies from Afghanistan. It isn't something that's really bothered him before, not even after Alan started looking at him like he might start talking about Evan any moment - he has a lot of secrets, and time has shown he's good at keeping them.
But he doesn't know what Evan's told his sister - if he's said anything at all. Evan and his sister are army brats - Evan's mentioned sometimes the ideas they grew up with - but knows they're close, he just isn't sure which one cancels the other out.
*
"You look like you've had a good day," Evan says once he's collapsed on sun chair next to him. The sun chairs were usually more trouble than they were worth for Colby, since he rarely had days off to spend in them if he didn't spend his days off at the gym, at basketball matches and watching Discovery Channel after the sun had already gone down; and they took up all the space on the small balcony.
"Really? 'Cause I feel kind of like crap." Colby answers, willing to place money on the fact that those case files have been etched into his brain by now.
"Doesn't look like you got hit by a rock again though," Evan points out, and there's the same laugh from the day earlier, amusement at something Colby knows he can't share. "There's pizza on the way."
"Enjoying your first day of leave?" Colby asks instead and belatedly hands over the beer bottle he'd brought out with him.
"I don't think I've been this lazy in years," Evan admits, grinning when Colby shifts enough to look at him. "It feels a good kind of weird." He sounds relaxed, loose-limbed and briefly worry-free. Colby hadn't even realized how tense he'd been the day before until he sees him now, looking like he's here instead of halfway back at where he was stationed.
"How's your -" Colby starts, but Evan cuts him off and he finishes your day been? in his head - it's impossible to tell if it's because he knows the question Colby was going to ask, or if he'd planned to say it all along.
"I told Erika about us," Evan says and is studying the apartment across the road. "She wants us over next Thanksgiving."
"Really?" Colby asks, voice curious and just slightly hopeful. Enough so that Evan notices, tilts his head to the side and moves his eyes from the apartment to Colby's face, smiling.
"Yeah. As long as you want to."
"Mark the calendar," Colby jokes, smiling back.
*
"So what's with the gun?" Evan asks, approaching Colby from behind as he's preparing the teriyaki salmon and slowly drawing the gun out from the back of Colby's pants. "You didn't do this in Denver."
"Tactical advantage." Colby answers, leaning back slightly. "They don't expect it."
"No," Evan murmurs, amused. "I didn't either. You sure you're FBI material? There's another job I'm pretty sure uses guns in the same way, if not with the same intentions."
"Stop distracting the cook unless you want takeout again." Colby warns, and Evan hums a content laugh, but doesn't move away.
*
The night before Evan leaves again is torturously slow, a slight surprise as Colby expects time to fly past and for it to be morning before he knew it.
But it's filled with slow, gentle touches and kisses like they've got all the time in the world. He feels almost like he has too much time to memorize the touches, the feeling, and the slow shifting movements.
He loves it. Loves the feeling, illusion of having so much time. But he keeps waiting for morning.
When morning actually comes, as Evan climbs into the taxi, it still feels sort of like a déjà vu punch to the gut.
*
This time there isn’t the twelve week wait. Instead it’s in the mail three days later, stamp from Denver.
Colby takes it to mean that things don’t have to be so carefully worded anymore, but still worded differently, and their communication goes up.
*
"Heard you've had an Army buddy visiting." Alan says as Charlie shouts from upstairs about how the equations are done if Colby will just give him a couple of more minutes to check it over. Colby looks at Alan, who has placed down the crossword paper to study him. "How'd he like LA?"
"He was disappointed that there's no pool." Colby answers truthfully, and thinks about the last day. "But happy."
Alan nods, and looks serious enough that Colby wishes he'd just left it at the pool comment. "Are you?"
"Yeah," Colby says, and he can hear Charlie on his way down with the information Don asked for. "Better than before."
*
"Is there anyone else in on this?" Don asks, for the fifteenth time since the meeting started. Colby shakes his head, wants them to get that he's already said everything he knows, given up Dwayne - and they don't seem to understand that he's still struggling a little with that one, the fact that he gave up someone who risked their life to save his. Dwayne might be a traitor to the country, but he still went back into that Jeep and got him out of there when Colby had given in to a fucking horrible death, and that counts for something still.
It's been four weeks and he's ratted his ass out, gone over details, repeated names - but Don keeps coming back, same questions asked every time to make sure Colby hasn't forgotten something.
"No, Don." Colby says, running a hand over his face. "I told you everything I know."
"Really, so that Major Evan Lorne who was here a few months ago, another old buddy from Afghanistan, right? He's not in on this?" Don asks, all too casually and the sudden snap of his neck gives him whiplash.
"No," Colby says forcefully. "Evan was never part of it. We hung with him, sure, but he was Air Force, so we only saw him around every other day, okay? He'd already left when the guy approached us, he was only there for a couple of months."
"Right okay," Don says, and the doubt in his voice is more mocking than anything Colby's had thrown at him lately. "Well, I'm sorry if I'm suspicious of anything you say after it turns out you've been spying on us for two years."
"Listen to me Don. I've been honest about everything you've asked me since this whole thing started, man. I'm not lying about Evan. You accuse him of spying for the Chinese, you're ruining his career."
"Yeah, well, I know you're not lying." Don admits and he looks annoyed. "We investigated him last week. Talked to a General O'Neill who eventually got back to us sounding smug as he told us just how wrong we were."
"So what you're telling me is that Evan's already here and watching us from the cameras and you just wanted to see - what? If I'd snitch on someone innocent? If my story would match his? Or just planning to see if I say something to him I haven't already told you?"
"Come on Colby," Don says and sounds perfectly reasonable. "You've done this how many times?"
"Enough." Colby agrees, and glances up at the camera. "Send him in then."
The changes in Evan aren't as noticeable as they were last time, but Colby supposes that it all has a lot to do with the fact that the last time they saw each other was only a few months ago. But still, Evan looks tired and pissed and hurt - carrying it in every footstep as he doesn't even approach the table Colby's seated at.
"I think I liked it better when I met you at your office," Evan says, and it takes Colby a moment to realize that what Evan is doing is giving Colby the option to talk about it - he must be killing Don, Colby thinks, who probably gave him a specific list of things to press on. "The cluster was strangely decorative."
"Yeah, well, they're moving me in a week. Maybe the next place will have a nice view."
"Always hope," Evan agrees and studies the ceiling like it contains the answer to everything. "You remember after Dwayne pulled you out of that Jeep and the two of you were camped out, completely high on pain meds in that tent?" Colby, who has some blurred memories of that night thanks to the painkillers does know it's the same night he first planted one on Evan, nods even though he doesn't think that's what Evan's about to confess to on camera.
"Sure, you called me a lucky fool and Dwayne an idiot, then you thanked him and hit me over the head with an open palm like it was my fault the metal welded itself around my arm." Colby says, ducking his head to hide the small grin at the memory of Evan coming through the tent flaps to check if they were okay.
"Right," Evan agrees, and Colby thinks there might be a similar grin being forced back on his face. "I also pointed out that as long as one of you was in trouble, then it'd be 70% guaranteed the other was."
"Yeah," Colby says, grin slipping away again. "Since Dwayne tried cheating that money from the medics and I started defending his back."
"I just can't figure out why I expected this one to be different." Evan says, still staring at the ceiling. "You told me about Dwayne as the spy, and I just thought that it was another case of bad judgment on his part - I've seen it happen a lot before. But then I get the e-mail from Alan saying you're in jail for espionage for the Chinese government - I just wondered if you went in to protect his back like you always did."
"I barely knew it before it had already happened," Colby says and kind of wishes Don will storm in and declare the meeting over. He doesn't want to see the disappointment, betrayal and hurt on Evan's face, but he's not going to look away. "Wait, you say Alan e-mailed you? So you knew before they even contacted that general?"
"Yeah," Evan says and looks almost shifty. "I was asking for leave when they called, and spent a fun couple of days being questioned about you."
Colby winces. "Sorry man."
"Yeah," Evan sighs and looks at him. "I'm here for another two weeks. Maybe your next place won't have a pissed off FBI agent listening in."
"I won't really count on it," Colby says honestly, and glances up towards the camera. "He's probably going to stick around until I'm declared guilty or a miracle is pulled out of my ass."
Evan's smirk is practically filthy for a moment until he remembers where they are and the circumstances around it, and walks out the door - face once again blank.
*
When he wakes up in the hospital, he's confused and the room spins for a dizzying moment, the lights too bright. He expects to see Evan there - except it's really hope that Evan stuck around to see this all play out, to let him explain, to maybe understand. But there's no one and he sinks against the pillows, closes his eyes and presses the button he notices has been pushed into his hand.
"You're awake," the nurse says, there startlingly fast, and Colby jerks his head a little in agreement. She gives him a glass of water, doesn't let him hold it, and leaves to fetch the doctor.
He doesn't ask where anyone is, afraid he won't like the answer they give him.
He falls asleep after the doctor's looked him over and talked to him - describing how close he'd gotten and David saving him - but when he wakes up, it's to Alan sitting uncomfortably, worried, in the chair next to the bed.
"Hey," Colby croaks and Alan hasn't been looking at him, he realizes as the man jumps.
"Colby, how are you feeling?" Alan asks, and reaches for the button in Colby's hand. He moves it away slightly, decides that the quicker he gets it over with, the less it'll hurt.
"Where's Evan?" He asks, and Alan's gaze flickers, confirming it.
"I'm sorry, Colby. He left."
*
He tries not to think about it. It works, in a way - for the most part, he's too busy trying to prove himself, trying to earn back trust to sit at home and think too much about it. To look at the postcards or the pictures. He thinks about Dwayne almost as much as he does Evan.
It's the whole mess he dwells on, the secrets of the past three years of his life, the ones that aren't there anymore as much as the ones that still are. He writes everything out shortly in an e-mail, tries to see how it'll look - if it's enough to give him a second chance. In the end, it remains unsent.
He agrees to the date Megan sets him up with without even really thinking about it. He needs the distraction, needs to try and move on from the mess. New start.
Except the date's awkward, and it doesn't matter how much the girl he's with smiles and laughs at the stories he's telling, by the end of the night he doesn't do more than kiss her on the cheek and the next day he can't even remember her name. Isn't even that sure he actually knew it in the first place.
But it still takes Clay Porter to make him think about it, form opinions, not just reflect and feel sorry, angry with himself. He looks at the picture of his squad, of Dwayne and him, and finally he sends the e-mail to Evan.
A week later, the reply comes and it takes him a day to open it.
I can probably make it back an extra week before Thanksgiving.
You really need to rethink how you think time works.
Author: Janne (bergann)
Fandom: Numb3rs (/Stargate Atlantis)
Pairing/characters: Colby Granger (Colby Granger/Evan Lorne)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don’t own anything! Nothing at all.
Prompt: 558. Numb3rs: Colby Granger: The real reason Colby hasn't had a date since coming to LA.
Summary: The first one arrives twelve weeks after Evan’s left. Colby isn’t sure where to send a reply, and so he doesn’t think to write one. It turns out it doesn’t matter, they keep coming every twelve weeks anyway.
Warnings: Probably some abuse of the timelines for both shows. Very mild sexual situations.
Author's Notes: This grew way more complex than I had ever planned it to be. Geesh. Buttloads of thanks and hugs to semirose for the beta ♥
Evan leaves on a Monday, two bags full of clothes and belongings that Colby has to admit he's gotten used to seeing around. Evan's standing in the doorway, one bag over each shoulder, and Colby grins, awkward and wrong-footed, shrugging one shoulder and they both laugh nervously. They've never been good at this - at talking when it matters, and everything that needs to be said has already been said in the two weeks since Evan got the orders.
"I'll see you," Evan says and Colby takes a chance, they’re in the shadows in any case, and snakes a hand to the back of Evan’s neck and presses their lips together briefly.
"Yeah," Colby says and then pats him on the back and steps away, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. They both smile, tight, then Evan walks to the taxi and within a month the rest of the stuff left in Colby’s apartment is gone.
Colby's left Denver for Los Angeles and Evan’s apartment in Colorado Springs, where he’d requested his stuff go should Colby up and move, remains untouched by Colby.
*
Los Angeles feels weird after a year and a half in Denver. The apartment is nice even though it doesn't have a pool, which Colby feels robs him of a proper LA living experience, but it's spacious enough to hold both of their crap, even if some of the shelves are overly-crowded. Everything seems to be gathered there; DVDs, books, weird stuff Evan would come home with, a couple of photographs, Evan's massive geology books. But he'd tried putting just his stuff there, and it had looked kind of wrong, like it wasn't his at all.
He's unpacked the last box when Sinclair calls, tells him they've got a homicide on a federal judge's wife, and that he can't get a hold of Eppes. "Give me five minutes," Colby says, memorizing the address Sinclair gives him and changes into a suit quicker than he's ever done before. The gun slides down his back easily and familiarly, like it isn't a habit he's been suppressing during his time with Evan.
Surprisingly, he gets there before Sinclair does, who gets out of his car as Colby is talking to the first policeman to arrive on the scene.
"Get a hold of Eppes yet?" Colby asks, turning away from Officer Jakeson, and walking together with Sinclair to where the judge is sitting.
"Yeah, he'll be by in ten," Sinclair says, grinning a little at the fact that Colby's forgotten Eppes' first-name rule when it comes to the team. "Judge Trelane? I'm Special Agent David Sinclair and this is Special Agent Colby Granger. Is it alright that we ask you a couple of questions?"
The office reminds him a lot of the one in Denver; different city, different people - but it’s the same government feel of it that Denver had been so full of. They all seem pretty okay, but Reeves turns out to be a profiler, a fact that makes Colby uneasy. He's certain his act is solid, but he doesn't like knowing a profiler is near. It puts him at risk of discovery, while he still wonders what she'd profile him as. A liar? Deceiver? Sad, hopeful bastard unable to let go? Or just a normal agent who has been in the Army? It simmers under his skin, enough so that he maybe goes against the JFA a little harder than strictly necessary. But it would have worked, he's certain of that, if Sinclair hadn't backed out of it.
And what the hell are wolf tickets anyway?
*
The first one arrives twelve weeks after Evan’s left, inside a white envelope.
Colby isn’t sure where to send a reply, and so he doesn’t think to write one. It turns out it doesn’t matter, they keep coming every twelve weeks anyway.
Colby digs out the DVDs and is about to send them, when he changes his mind and sends along a travel bag of M&Ms too.
*
"Team dinner," Don announces, tapping a pen against the wall of Colby's cubicle. "Dad's insisting."
"What, tonight?" Colby asks, shares a look with David. "We're in the middle of a case -"
"Yeah, I know, but it's not like we're getting anywhere, right?" Don points out, and it's true since they can't really do anything except paperwork until Charlie gets back to them. "And you gotta eat too, right?"
"Yeah, right, okay." Colby agrees and flicks a pencil at his computer screen. "Beats take out."
"Right, good." Don agrees, grinning as he looks over at David, raising an eyebrow.
"Sorry Don. I've got a date tonight. I rescheduled once, I'm not doing it again for you guys." David says, swiveling smugly in his chair. Colby rolls his eyes at Don who is shaking his head and laughing.
"Megan, you in?" Don asks.
"Sorry guys, I can't make it. I finally found a gym that has the classes late enough for me to attend."
"Okay. Then it looks like it's just you and the Eppes' tonight, Colby."
"What about Amita?" Colby asks, ignoring the way David and Megan are grinning at him behind Don's back.
"I don't know, Charlie just said she had some thing to attend." Don says and finally settles into his chair. "Why, the thought of an evening with me, Charlie and my dad isn't making you rethink, is it?"
"Of course not." Colby says grinning, and focuses on all the paperwork this case is generating.
*
The door closes shut in the other room with a click after Don and Charlie, Don shouting a last word of reassurance that Colby won't be needed for this right now and they'd call him later if anything else popped up.
"Seems like it's just you and me, Colby," Alan says, voice of a father who has gotten well-used to his sons running off and accepted it as part of life.
"Well, I don't like passing up the chance for more chicken," Colby answers, reaching for the pan. The moment feels weird, the fact that he's sitting in his boss' brother's house having dinner with his boss' father.
"Any reason why David and Megan couldn't make it?" Alan asks, once the silence has lasted long enough for Colby to regret not insisting harder that he should go with Don and Charlie. "Or did Don just forget to invite them?"
"David has a date, apparently," Colby says, and has to admit that awkwardness aside, it might be worth the chicken. "Once it was out, he wouldn't shut up about it. And Megan's got some yoga-class she's apparently been hunting down for a while."
"You done any of that lately?"
"Yoga? Not really my thing." Colby grins, forces the uneasy feeling down. Alan might let it go.
"No, I meant dating." Then again, he might not.
"Not for a while," Colby says vaguely, since Alan always gives him the feeling that he'll know a lie.
"And how long is a while?"
"Like, a year?" Colby guessed, poking at the rice. "I mean, technically, I haven't been on a date in years, but around a year is probably most accurate."
"So what, you're in a relationship that's lost its spark?" Alan asks and doesn't sound like he'd be all that surprised if Colby answered 'yes'.
"More like I'm in a relationship that has a lot of space between us to keep us safe." Colby says, focuses with new intensity on the dish and wishes Alan didn't have that aura of knowing when you're lying and being deeply disappointed for doing it, even when the lies haven't been said yet. Colby would have loved to lie right now. "Though it probably wouldn’t be my life that suffered most from it."
"So what you mean to say is that - oh, ah." Alan says and Colby's been watching as the gears change, can see the sudden bloom of understanding on Alan's face. "Ah."
"Yeah." Colby says and rubs a hand over his face. "Nobody really knows."
"Well, I'm honored that I - well, that I pried my way in on the secret." Alan says and passes another beer over. "Well I can't say this didn't come as a surprise, but Colby, if you want anyone to talk to, I am usually available." Alan grins, and Colby releases a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding. "Or should he ever be in the neighborhood, you're welcome for dinner."
"Yeah, thanks man." He says, grinning back and clinks the bottom of his bottle against Alan's.
"I never expected chicken to be a dish of confession," Alan admits, and Colby laughs, looking down at what's left of the bird on the plate.
"Learn something new everyday, right?"
*
*
"Looks like you've got a visitor," David says as they're escorting a suspect to the interrogation room. Colby glances over at his workspace, vision blurred slightly from the t-shirt he'd had to use on the cut he'd been given while fighting the bastard David's walking in - and sees Evan slouching in his chair.
"Right. Can you -? It'll only take like a minute." Colby asks, even though he's already walking away from David. "Evan!" Colby says, once he's close enough that shouting isn't necessary, watches as his chair spins around and Evan gets to his feet. "Hey man, this is a surprise! What are you doing here?"
"We got sent back, the whole team," Evan says after a hug that’s too quick and has Colby wanting to lean forward and press his lips against Evan's, to try and erase nearly two years of absence that Colby can feel simmering under his skin stronger than ever. But they're in the middle of the FBI offices, so he steps back still grinning and the blood-stained t-shirt is clasped in his hand, forgotten, until Evan reaches first out towards him - stopping in mid-movement and redirecting it to gesture at his own forehead.
"Oh, right." Colby says, looks through his drawer for a bandage. "Bastard hit me with a rock." Evan looks like he just remembered a funny joke, but he makes Colby sit and fixes the bandage on over his right eyebrow as he talks.
"We got a new command," Evan says, and already it sounds rehearsed, thought through, and Colby figures he'll live just fine with the de-classified version. "A lot of us got scrubbed, and I had some time-off gathered up so I thought I'd go see LA."
"Well, it's good to see you again," Colby says as Don walks out of the elevator. "It'll probably be a while before we're done here. The guy we just brought in might be the key to the case we're working on."
"And he hit you with a rock," Evan says, and again there's the expression on his face like an inside joke is being remembered.
"Colby, did you get Lincoln?" Don asks and is slapping a file against his palm. "What happened to you, man?"
"He hit me with a rock when I surprised him from around the corner." Colby says and strokes a thumb over the edge of the bandage. "David's got him in interrogation."
"That sucks, man." Don winces and pats him on the shoulder, glancing at Evan. "Who's this?"
Evan says, "Evan Lorne," and sticks his hand out as Colby says, "He's an old friend of mine from that tour in Afghanistan."
"Ah right, an army man, then?" Don asks, shakes Evan's hand. "I'm Don Eppes, Colby's boss."
"Air Force, actually." Evan says, and even though he's shaking Don's hand, his eyes slip back to Colby. "I didn't mean to interrupt your case, so I'll get going."
"Yeah, sure, man." Colby fishes his keys out of his pocket as Don's distracted by Megan reporting on the prints they'd lifted off the scene, and hands Evan the extra apartment key he'd had made - he couldn't say why he'd done it in the first place, but obviously not a bad plan. "I'll call when I'm done here, we can get take out, catch up."
"Alright, well, let's go lean on this guy." Don says, turning back around and Evan's already started walking away. "Charlie suggested the tit for tat approach again, I say we just lean on him first."
*
The apartment is dark when he gets home, but Evan's bag is in the hallway and Colby takes a trip into the kitchen to find the number for Chinese take-out before he walks into the bedroom to find Evan sacked out on top of the covers, hair sticking out like maybe he's been sleeping all day.
"Jet lag?" Colby asks, leaning against the doorframe. Evan moves remarkably quick, fast movements like sudden wakeups have become part of his life - like he's not expecting to be in Colby's bed in LA, but rather wherever it is that he got sent home from still. For a moment Colby thinks he's about to fall off the bed, and his body poises itself to spring forward in case he's needed, but then Evan's got himself back under control and is squinting at Colby in the dark.
"Something like that," Evan answers, and reaches out with one hand, fingers curling around Colby's wrist and he's being tugged forward, the calculation off enough that they end up sprawled back on the bed. Colby revels in the long-missed feeling of Evan's body stretched out under his own for a moment. They're both smiling when Colby leans down and kisses him warmly, slightly desperate after so long apart, tongue hunting down new tastes in familiar places.
The doorbell rings after ten minutes and Colby groans at bad timing from where Evan's got him on his back, hands pinning his hips as he licks and nips at Colby's neck. He pauses at the second chime, sits up and his weight on Colby's hips makes Colby's eyes close. "I - ordered Chinese." Colby says, slightly breathless, and Evan moves off him and into the hall.
There's the sound of the door opening, Evan's voice mixing with a stranger's in small talk as money is exchanged for food and Colby hasn't even blinked in the time it takes for the door to close before Evan's back. "The food's going to be cold," Colby points out, realizing Evan's hands aren't carrying the takeout.
"Doesn't matter," Evan says, shrugging, slowly getting back on the bed. "I've eaten a lot worse than cold Chinese takeout the past couple of months."
"Oh yeah? Like what?" Colby asks and Evan saves himself from answering by kissing him intently and he laughs once he realizes that somehow Evan's managed to sneak a bite of Chinese in the short amount of time it took him to get from door to bedroom. Colby's tongue chases the taste of Chinese from Evan's mouth and doesn't spare a thought to much of anything else for once.
*
Colby still has work in the morning. He untangles himself from Evan reluctantly, who makes a small, sleepy noise of protest. Colby's almost tempted to call in sick except the guy they'd brought in yesterday, while not actually being helpful, had carried a piece of code on him that Charlie should be done with sometime today.
The shower wakes him up some more, makes him more optimistic about the day, and when he enters the bedroom he sees that Evan's rolled over into the space he left behind, no doubt drawn to it by the heat. He's pulled the t-shirt over his head when he feels Evan's eyes on him - turning around as he's pulling on the jeans. "You have any plans?"
"It's LA," Evan says, grinning. "I figure I'll just enjoy the sun. Call my sister. Why don't you have a pool?"
"I was going to get one, except then I realized I didn't have the money for it." Colby hesitates briefly before he slips the gun into the back of his jeans, and ignores the amused look Evan is giving him. "Federal pay isn't that good."
"You should have mentioned something. I mean, half my stuff's here and I've got money I don't know what to do with." It's the first time it actually hits Colby what he's done; emptied out the apartment in Colorado - more Evan's than his, because he'd never been able to settle down there and the one he'd been paying for had been even more foreign to him - and taken both of their stuff to another state without even asking. Evan hasn't said anything though, doesn't look mad even now that they're so close to discussing it, and Colby studies him as he fastens the badge at his hip.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I guess I wasn't really thinking, was I?"
"I don't mind," Evan answers, sounds fondly amused and he's smiling. "Never liked living in Denver anyway. Now a place in LA, that's something to talk about, even if there's no pool."
"Well, there's always the sea," Colby grins, relieved and glances at his watch. "I'll see you later. Tell your sister hi." And he leaves before the complex emotion on Evan's face registers with him.
*
He doesn't get a chance to really think about it until late lunch-time. Charlie had figured out the code, leaving David and Colby to dig through a garbage truck that had over $150,000 worth of high-tech equipment hidden in it to sneak out of the city. He's still fairly certain he smells, even after showering and changing into the spare clothes stored away at the office.
He certainly smells worse than David, who detoured home. But even with the high-tech equipment relocated they still don't know who stole them, and Colby has a strange want for the case to be over by the end of the day and decides to spend the extra time looking over the case files.
But by the time David returns with lunch, Colby can't help but think about it. The thing is they really haven't told anybody before Alan, and Evan doesn't even know about that yet. Colby's pretty sure no one knew they were more than just good buddies from Afghanistan. It isn't something that's really bothered him before, not even after Alan started looking at him like he might start talking about Evan any moment - he has a lot of secrets, and time has shown he's good at keeping them.
But he doesn't know what Evan's told his sister - if he's said anything at all. Evan and his sister are army brats - Evan's mentioned sometimes the ideas they grew up with - but knows they're close, he just isn't sure which one cancels the other out.
*
"You look like you've had a good day," Evan says once he's collapsed on sun chair next to him. The sun chairs were usually more trouble than they were worth for Colby, since he rarely had days off to spend in them if he didn't spend his days off at the gym, at basketball matches and watching Discovery Channel after the sun had already gone down; and they took up all the space on the small balcony.
"Really? 'Cause I feel kind of like crap." Colby answers, willing to place money on the fact that those case files have been etched into his brain by now.
"Doesn't look like you got hit by a rock again though," Evan points out, and there's the same laugh from the day earlier, amusement at something Colby knows he can't share. "There's pizza on the way."
"Enjoying your first day of leave?" Colby asks instead and belatedly hands over the beer bottle he'd brought out with him.
"I don't think I've been this lazy in years," Evan admits, grinning when Colby shifts enough to look at him. "It feels a good kind of weird." He sounds relaxed, loose-limbed and briefly worry-free. Colby hadn't even realized how tense he'd been the day before until he sees him now, looking like he's here instead of halfway back at where he was stationed.
"How's your -" Colby starts, but Evan cuts him off and he finishes your day been? in his head - it's impossible to tell if it's because he knows the question Colby was going to ask, or if he'd planned to say it all along.
"I told Erika about us," Evan says and is studying the apartment across the road. "She wants us over next Thanksgiving."
"Really?" Colby asks, voice curious and just slightly hopeful. Enough so that Evan notices, tilts his head to the side and moves his eyes from the apartment to Colby's face, smiling.
"Yeah. As long as you want to."
"Mark the calendar," Colby jokes, smiling back.
*
"So what's with the gun?" Evan asks, approaching Colby from behind as he's preparing the teriyaki salmon and slowly drawing the gun out from the back of Colby's pants. "You didn't do this in Denver."
"Tactical advantage." Colby answers, leaning back slightly. "They don't expect it."
"No," Evan murmurs, amused. "I didn't either. You sure you're FBI material? There's another job I'm pretty sure uses guns in the same way, if not with the same intentions."
"Stop distracting the cook unless you want takeout again." Colby warns, and Evan hums a content laugh, but doesn't move away.
*
The night before Evan leaves again is torturously slow, a slight surprise as Colby expects time to fly past and for it to be morning before he knew it.
But it's filled with slow, gentle touches and kisses like they've got all the time in the world. He feels almost like he has too much time to memorize the touches, the feeling, and the slow shifting movements.
He loves it. Loves the feeling, illusion of having so much time. But he keeps waiting for morning.
When morning actually comes, as Evan climbs into the taxi, it still feels sort of like a déjà vu punch to the gut.
*
This time there isn’t the twelve week wait. Instead it’s in the mail three days later, stamp from Denver.
Colby takes it to mean that things don’t have to be so carefully worded anymore, but still worded differently, and their communication goes up.
*
"Heard you've had an Army buddy visiting." Alan says as Charlie shouts from upstairs about how the equations are done if Colby will just give him a couple of more minutes to check it over. Colby looks at Alan, who has placed down the crossword paper to study him. "How'd he like LA?"
"He was disappointed that there's no pool." Colby answers truthfully, and thinks about the last day. "But happy."
Alan nods, and looks serious enough that Colby wishes he'd just left it at the pool comment. "Are you?"
"Yeah," Colby says, and he can hear Charlie on his way down with the information Don asked for. "Better than before."
*
"Is there anyone else in on this?" Don asks, for the fifteenth time since the meeting started. Colby shakes his head, wants them to get that he's already said everything he knows, given up Dwayne - and they don't seem to understand that he's still struggling a little with that one, the fact that he gave up someone who risked their life to save his. Dwayne might be a traitor to the country, but he still went back into that Jeep and got him out of there when Colby had given in to a fucking horrible death, and that counts for something still.
It's been four weeks and he's ratted his ass out, gone over details, repeated names - but Don keeps coming back, same questions asked every time to make sure Colby hasn't forgotten something.
"No, Don." Colby says, running a hand over his face. "I told you everything I know."
"Really, so that Major Evan Lorne who was here a few months ago, another old buddy from Afghanistan, right? He's not in on this?" Don asks, all too casually and the sudden snap of his neck gives him whiplash.
"No," Colby says forcefully. "Evan was never part of it. We hung with him, sure, but he was Air Force, so we only saw him around every other day, okay? He'd already left when the guy approached us, he was only there for a couple of months."
"Right okay," Don says, and the doubt in his voice is more mocking than anything Colby's had thrown at him lately. "Well, I'm sorry if I'm suspicious of anything you say after it turns out you've been spying on us for two years."
"Listen to me Don. I've been honest about everything you've asked me since this whole thing started, man. I'm not lying about Evan. You accuse him of spying for the Chinese, you're ruining his career."
"Yeah, well, I know you're not lying." Don admits and he looks annoyed. "We investigated him last week. Talked to a General O'Neill who eventually got back to us sounding smug as he told us just how wrong we were."
"So what you're telling me is that Evan's already here and watching us from the cameras and you just wanted to see - what? If I'd snitch on someone innocent? If my story would match his? Or just planning to see if I say something to him I haven't already told you?"
"Come on Colby," Don says and sounds perfectly reasonable. "You've done this how many times?"
"Enough." Colby agrees, and glances up at the camera. "Send him in then."
The changes in Evan aren't as noticeable as they were last time, but Colby supposes that it all has a lot to do with the fact that the last time they saw each other was only a few months ago. But still, Evan looks tired and pissed and hurt - carrying it in every footstep as he doesn't even approach the table Colby's seated at.
"I think I liked it better when I met you at your office," Evan says, and it takes Colby a moment to realize that what Evan is doing is giving Colby the option to talk about it - he must be killing Don, Colby thinks, who probably gave him a specific list of things to press on. "The cluster was strangely decorative."
"Yeah, well, they're moving me in a week. Maybe the next place will have a nice view."
"Always hope," Evan agrees and studies the ceiling like it contains the answer to everything. "You remember after Dwayne pulled you out of that Jeep and the two of you were camped out, completely high on pain meds in that tent?" Colby, who has some blurred memories of that night thanks to the painkillers does know it's the same night he first planted one on Evan, nods even though he doesn't think that's what Evan's about to confess to on camera.
"Sure, you called me a lucky fool and Dwayne an idiot, then you thanked him and hit me over the head with an open palm like it was my fault the metal welded itself around my arm." Colby says, ducking his head to hide the small grin at the memory of Evan coming through the tent flaps to check if they were okay.
"Right," Evan agrees, and Colby thinks there might be a similar grin being forced back on his face. "I also pointed out that as long as one of you was in trouble, then it'd be 70% guaranteed the other was."
"Yeah," Colby says, grin slipping away again. "Since Dwayne tried cheating that money from the medics and I started defending his back."
"I just can't figure out why I expected this one to be different." Evan says, still staring at the ceiling. "You told me about Dwayne as the spy, and I just thought that it was another case of bad judgment on his part - I've seen it happen a lot before. But then I get the e-mail from Alan saying you're in jail for espionage for the Chinese government - I just wondered if you went in to protect his back like you always did."
"I barely knew it before it had already happened," Colby says and kind of wishes Don will storm in and declare the meeting over. He doesn't want to see the disappointment, betrayal and hurt on Evan's face, but he's not going to look away. "Wait, you say Alan e-mailed you? So you knew before they even contacted that general?"
"Yeah," Evan says and looks almost shifty. "I was asking for leave when they called, and spent a fun couple of days being questioned about you."
Colby winces. "Sorry man."
"Yeah," Evan sighs and looks at him. "I'm here for another two weeks. Maybe your next place won't have a pissed off FBI agent listening in."
"I won't really count on it," Colby says honestly, and glances up towards the camera. "He's probably going to stick around until I'm declared guilty or a miracle is pulled out of my ass."
Evan's smirk is practically filthy for a moment until he remembers where they are and the circumstances around it, and walks out the door - face once again blank.
*
When he wakes up in the hospital, he's confused and the room spins for a dizzying moment, the lights too bright. He expects to see Evan there - except it's really hope that Evan stuck around to see this all play out, to let him explain, to maybe understand. But there's no one and he sinks against the pillows, closes his eyes and presses the button he notices has been pushed into his hand.
"You're awake," the nurse says, there startlingly fast, and Colby jerks his head a little in agreement. She gives him a glass of water, doesn't let him hold it, and leaves to fetch the doctor.
He doesn't ask where anyone is, afraid he won't like the answer they give him.
He falls asleep after the doctor's looked him over and talked to him - describing how close he'd gotten and David saving him - but when he wakes up, it's to Alan sitting uncomfortably, worried, in the chair next to the bed.
"Hey," Colby croaks and Alan hasn't been looking at him, he realizes as the man jumps.
"Colby, how are you feeling?" Alan asks, and reaches for the button in Colby's hand. He moves it away slightly, decides that the quicker he gets it over with, the less it'll hurt.
"Where's Evan?" He asks, and Alan's gaze flickers, confirming it.
"I'm sorry, Colby. He left."
*
He tries not to think about it. It works, in a way - for the most part, he's too busy trying to prove himself, trying to earn back trust to sit at home and think too much about it. To look at the postcards or the pictures. He thinks about Dwayne almost as much as he does Evan.
It's the whole mess he dwells on, the secrets of the past three years of his life, the ones that aren't there anymore as much as the ones that still are. He writes everything out shortly in an e-mail, tries to see how it'll look - if it's enough to give him a second chance. In the end, it remains unsent.
He agrees to the date Megan sets him up with without even really thinking about it. He needs the distraction, needs to try and move on from the mess. New start.
Except the date's awkward, and it doesn't matter how much the girl he's with smiles and laughs at the stories he's telling, by the end of the night he doesn't do more than kiss her on the cheek and the next day he can't even remember her name. Isn't even that sure he actually knew it in the first place.
But it still takes Clay Porter to make him think about it, form opinions, not just reflect and feel sorry, angry with himself. He looks at the picture of his squad, of Dwayne and him, and finally he sends the e-mail to Evan.
A week later, the reply comes and it takes him a day to open it.
I can probably make it back an extra week before Thanksgiving.
You really need to rethink how you think time works.