[Dreams of the Waking Man: Sixth Dream] Relapse
the second of the pair of 'undeleted' scenes (very slightly modified from the deleted version).
warnings: MAUDLIN CRAP (potentially lethal flangsty sap overdose). slash. au with 616 references. spoilers for some arcs of C&DP, and Messiah War. language: pg-13 (primetime tv plus s*** and f***).
pairing: Nate/Wade.
timeline: some weekday between the 12th and the 20th of November, 2011.
disclaimer: marvel owns Cable & Deadpool, disney owns marvel.
notes: 1) i have no idea why i didn't write this in present tense, but every time i try to convert it, it seems to lose an aspect of its effect. there's a different kind of subtlety to writing in past tense than there is for mixed or present, and the particular flavor of this piece just doesn't translate. 2) as hard as it must be to love someone who may or may not remember you five minutes from now, i imagine it's just as hard to be on the other end and know you're losing your mind. certain kinds of blackouts aren't very scary (surgical anesthesia, post-op drugs, minor trauma blackouts like during a car accident), because you know why they happened and you realize your brain really doesn't need to remember experiencing severe injury or intense pain, but an unexplained blackout is as creepy as falling asleep while driving, and i think that having one while you're supposed to be looking after a child would be awful. i think that for most people, the natural answer to 'what's the scariest thing you can think of?' would be 'something bad happening to the people i love.' 3) don't ask how Inez knows what Wade said in Hollow. pretend he told her after a day at the firing range or something.
Relapse
It was happening again-Wade was losing time.
When Nate had fixed his brain after the bizarre dimension-hopping adventure, Wade had stopped losing time. His short-term memory lasted properly through the day, his long-term memory no longer sprung random leaks, he no longer found himself in odd places doing odd things without remembering why. His brain was normal(-ish), and it had been so damn long since any part of him had been anything even approaching normal…
He hadn’t worried so much about losing time right after Nate left. After all, everyone was saying Nate was dead, and Wade acknowledged that he was at least a little traumatized by the fact on some level. He’d heard of people losing whole months while they were mourning, and the worst he’d ever gotten was a week (because Sandi called him every Tuesday to check on him).
And then Nate had come back, and Wade had counted down each day (counted hours and minutes sometimes) until the next time he’d see Hope. Seeing Nate was nice, and sleeping with Nate again was nice but sort of not-nice (emotionally, anyway), but seeing Hope was downright wonderful (which was not one of Wade’s usual words, but Hope deserved un-Wade-ish words).
But now it wasn’t even Thanksgiving yet, he’d had Nate and Hope coming to see him for just over two months, Nate had been all lovey-dovey and domestic for about a week, and Wade was losing time again.
He tried to brush it off the first time, telling himself that he was just distracted. The next time, oh, just some low blood sugar. The third time, however, his memory jumped from eating scrambled eggs for breakfast all the way to afternoon in Central Park.
He wondered if he should tell Nate. Maybe Nate would be able to find a way to help. Maybe Nate wouldn’t let him babysit anymore.
No, he didn’t think he could handle it if Nate stopped trusting him around Hope. They’d only be able to spend time together if Nate was with them, and Nate would only let them do dorky ‘safe’ things, and Hope would end up all sheltered and freakish, and Nate would be giving him that look like ‘I thought I could trust you.’
But the sixth or seventh time sealed it.
That time, he went from falling asleep in front of TV to Hope calling his name and tugging on his hand to tell him that it was almost four and they had to get back before they got in trouble. They made it back in time, Nate kissed him and said they’d be back Saturday morning, Nate and Hope went home, and Wade sat down on the couch and cried for two hours.
He would have to tell Nate. He’d lost time with Hope. Anything could have happened while he was out of it. They had never found a reason for him to have killed Haji Bin Barat.
Maybe Nate would never bring Hope to see him again. At least she’d be safe.
Wade blanked again, and the news told him he’d lost thirteen hours. He panicked some more. He cried some more. Finally, he called Nate.
It took two rings before Nate picked up, and he sounded groggy. ~Wade? You’re up awfully early.~
Wade opened his mouth, but he couldn’t find his voice.
~Wade?~ Nate called again, sounding concerned.
“I…I, uh…”
How should he say it? Was there a good way to say it? Was there a spectacularly bad way to say it?
~Take a deep breath,~ Nate said. ~It’ll be all right. Go slowly. One fact at a time. Is someone hurt?~
“I don’t think so.”
~Are you okay?~
He swallowed. “Define ‘okay.’”
~Are you bleeding?~
“No.”
~Are all your limbs attached?~
“Pretty sure.”
He heard Nate exhale deeply. ~All right. Thank the Mother for that much, at least… What’s wrong, then?~
He fidgeted and tried not to start crying again. “Know how you fixed my brain, right after the thing with the Skornn and the spear and lots of people thinking you were dead again?”
~…Yes?~
“I think it maybe might be kinda sorta un-fixing itself.”
There was a long pause.
Wade worried that Nate might have just put the phone down and walked away. “Nate?”
~I’m here,~ Nate promised, but he sounded tense. ~What makes you think your brain is ‘un-fixing itself’?~
The bottom dropped out of Wade’s stomach, and he almost lost his courage. After all, Nate had never believed him before about just how faulty his memory was. Nobody had. ‘Oh, sure, Deadpool’s like an ADHD kid on crack, but he’s not fricking amnesiac.’ Except that he really had been. At its worst, his brain had lost about ninety percent of his short-term memory intermittently throughout the day and pretty much all of it when he slept.
~Wade, if it’s bad enough to upset you like this and make you call me in the middle of breakfast when you would normally be asleep, I need you to tell me what it is.~
“I’m losing time again,” Wade finally managed, feeling the panic and hysteria coming back full-force. He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Now that he’d said it, the words came pouring out. “I just lost thirteen hours, according to the morning news crew. I lost most of yesterday and all of the day before. I came around at curtain call for a show I don’t remember seeing, and Hope was there, Nate, oh god, I can’t even remember what we did or what happened or how we got there or anything. I mean, for fuck’s sake, if I could forget where I left you when I was flying around the damn world to save you…if I could kill somebody and not even remember seeing him before…” And he was crying again, even though it wouldn’t help anything, even though it was stupid and girly and useless.
There was another long pause.
“I know I should’ve told you sooner,” Wade went on, needing to explain. “I should’ve told you the third time, when I was finally sure it was really happening again. I was worried you’d stop trusting me around her, but I don’t even care about that anymore, I just want her to be safe. I know you promised her you guys would be back Saturday, but make something up. Tell her I’m sick. Tell her I had to work. Tell her anything-well, I mean, not anything; don’t tell her the truth. I know that sounds horrible, and it’s really selfish, but I don’t want her to be scared of me, I wouldn’t be able to take that.”
~We’ll figure something out,~ Nate finally said, and his voice was strained. ~Wade, I…~
“Don’t,” he begged. “Please, don’t apologize. You tried. You always tried so hard to fix me. It isn’t your fault if somebody up there likes me better broken. I’m sorry about Christmas, after you guys went to the trouble of inviting me ‘n all, but I don’t think it’ll be a good idea.”
And he hung up before he could really embarrass himself by sobbing like a baby.
So he cried on the couch for a while and generally felt sorry for himself.
Someone knocked on the door.
“Go away,” he called.
There was some brief fiddling and clicking, and the door opened.
Drat. Served him right for not drawing the chain when most of his coworkers were experts at breaking and entering.
Whoever-it-was locked the door again and came around to sit beside him.
“Go away, Inez,” he mumbled.
“Stop that,” she told him, and hugged him close. “Cable called. Told me what was up. It’ll be okay, honey. I know it feels like the end o’ the world, but it’ll be okay, I promise. Even when you had yerself a memory like a sieve, you didn’t just go and attack people randomly, and you didn’t forget fast enough that you couldn’t react to sudden danger. Just throw somebody into the mix to make sure you don’t walk in front of a bus or somethin’, and you’ll be fine. Sandi or I could spot ya, no sweat. Or Cable could.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Hush,” she chided, rubbing his shoulder. “Shucks, honey, his main worry in all this is that you’re up here breakin’ yer heart all by yer lonesome, and he can’t come take care o’ ya on account o’ Hope would just try to tag along and end up makin’ ya sadder. Your man loves you, and he loves ya enough to know that you love that little girl even more ‘n he does.”
“How do you know if he loves anybody or not? Not like he ever says it…”
“You told him not to,” she pointed out.
“I never told him not to!” Wade denied churlishly. “I just said I wasn’t gonna ask if he did, because I didn’t wanna know if he didn’t. I learned that lesson pretty damn well, thanks-when it comes to him, I don’t ask questions if I won’t like the answers.”
“Oh, honestly,” she sighed. “You boys are about as sharp as a pillowcase full o’ guinea pigs. Both of ya runnin’ around like headless chickens, tryin’ not to disappoint each other while you have a damn pedestal-building contest. You got any tissues, honey?”
“Bob buys the antiviral kind, so the kids can’t spread germs around,” Wade said, waving toward the kitchen.
She got up briefly, came back with the box. “Here, blow yer nose. I’ll be right back.” And she left.
Maybe she was gone five minutes, maybe five days. Maybe she came back and left again. Wade couldn’t tell.
The next thing he was properly aware of (that he could remember, anyway) was being held in big, strong arms.
“Uh…hi,” he mumbled. “When’d you get here?”
Nate squeezed him slightly, then pulled back to give him one of those long, sad looks. “Three hours ago.”
Wade looked away. “Where’s Hope? Not here, right?”
“Scott and Emma are watching her. She and Inez both had some very firm opinions on the subject of me sitting at home worrying while you were here all by yourself.”
“You didn’t tell her…”
“No. I said you were sick. I’m pretty sure she didn’t believe me.”
Wade nodded. “Good.”
“Wade, look at me.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you to look me in the eye when I say this-because I want you to believe me instead of shrugging it off.”
Wade’s eyes stung, but he met Nate’s gaze. “When you say what?” he whispered, already knowing the answer.
“I love you. I’ve loved you from the moment I peered into your mind and could see for the first time just how much you loved me. I’ve never been so flattered or felt so treasured.”
And even though Wade was crying (again…yeah, sure, it was life-altering once-in-a-lifetime true-love crap, but he might theoretically have a shred of manly pride left somewhere…oh, would the humiliating girliness never end?), he could see clearly enough to find matching tears on Nate’s cheeks, and he couldn’t imagine why any of this was happening at all, what he could possibly have done to deserve to be loved by someone who wasn’t just as filthy and evil and broken as he was.
“I took you so much for granted, Wade,” Nate mumbled. “I just selfishly made assumptions and tried to make everyone fit into the roles I imagined for them. And somewhere along the line, I stopped loving you, and when I realized I had, I felt so awful. I met a version of you that had loved me for almost two thousand years, and he reminded me of every single part of you that I’d missed for so long, and it was like a lightswitch turning on in the dark.”
Nate cupped his cheeks, pressed a brief, desperate little kiss to his lips before continuing.
“Dom thinks she can stop me from doing things, but you’re the only one who’s ever really made me see something I’d done as wrong, and I did do so many things wrong with you, but I don’t want to waste whatever time we have left. I don’t want you to be two thousand years old and wish you could die because all I ever did was leave. I don’t want you to ever get used to losing me. So I’m going to stick with you through this, and we’re going to find a way for you to get better again.”
“Mean it?” Wade squeaked.
“Mean it,” Nate huffed with a soggy smile. “I love you. So much. Please, promise me you won’t try to do this all by yourself.”
“Promise.” Wade grinned. “Now, whether I’ll remember that promise, or who you are, or even my own damn name…”
Nate just laughed and hugged him close again.
.End.
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