i loved you with the fire red, now it's turning blue.

[letmetouchit]

[He didn't understand it. Love. Why she spoke of it and soon fled afterward. It wasn't an emotional response that he could come to terms with. He cared for Dean, enough to leave him be, but he never would have used the word love himself. He learned much from humanity, but he never allowed himself to be that open. He was always shamefully faithful

Comments

[gracereturning]

[ Disappearing on him was painful for her. She didn't want to leave him there. She didn't want him to be on his own, helpless, but how he'd treated her... how he'd talked to her... She hadn't had much choice.

But now she's starting to worry again. To wonder. And, once more, she appears in his room without warning, just next to him. Just in time to turn toward him and tap her fingers to his forehead, healing the tiny nicks. ]

Hello, Castiel.

[gracereturning]

It's not difficult to understand... Love, Castiel. It's one of the most beautiful things about existence. It's a feeling. It's both nothing and everything at once, all consuming and nonexistent at the same time... [ Pause. ] It's part of why I fell. To be able to feel it. Understand it. And I knew... Long, long ago, I knew that if I ever had the chance... [ She trails off. ] It isn't important.

[letmetouchit]

Your tone betrays your words. I may not have the capacity but you still referred to me with that feeling.

[gracereturning]

Before I fell, I knew that if I were human and things were different, I could love you. I could see you being someone I felt all of those things for. And I do care for you. Otherwise I wouldn't be here.

[letmetouchit]

[Cas is quiet for a long time, reflective. He doesn't understand love, but he's seen it. Over the centuries he's been more than privy to it.] I didn't know.

[gracereturning]

I know. And by the time you found me after I left, it was too late to hope for anything like that. I tried, one more time, when I came to you while Dean was... handling Alastair. After that... I knew better.

[letmetouchit]

Your time with Dean. [He said gently.] I experienced envy, but I didn't understand why. [Cas looked down at his open palms.] I still don't.

[gracereturning]

[ She looks at him, furrowing her brow. ] It's easy to feel envy you can't explain.

[letmetouchit]

[Cas just drops his glance. Unsure what to say or do now that this was out in the open and he still didn't really get it.] I'm glad that he brought you back. You didn't deserve indoctrination, no one does.

[gracereturning]

[ She isn't sure how to respond to that, either. Her eyes feel glassy without her consent, involuntarily stinging with the sharp, wet bite of unshed tears. Her gaze softens and a smile spreads over her face, despite the emotion in her eyes. They're the happy sort of tears, after all. ] .. Thank you.

[letmetouchit]

[It doesn't go unnoticed and instead of responding he simply drops his gaze. Words fail him for a moment.]

[gracereturning]

I've always had faith in you, Castiel.

[letmetouchit]

[He's quiet for a little longer before he gets out:] I'm scared. [And fades back into silence for another few seconds.] Of this lesson. I have never enjoyed the feeling. [Revealing that he was mortal and powerless when he died in Kansas wasn't intentional but it just happened.]

[gracereturning]

[ She hesitates for a few moments before turning toward him, bringing her hands to his face to bring his gaze to meet hers. ] Even without grace, Cas... You're not helpless. And you're certainly not alone. You'll get through this. Fear? That's normal. But don't lose hope.

[letmetouchit]

It's a test that I'm afraid I'll fail.

[gracereturning]

I'm here to help you. To make certain that doesn't happen.