GL Fic: Down On My Knees (Five times Olivia Prays)
Title: Down On My Knees
Pairing: GL Otalia
Rating: PG fo sho
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, don't have any money any way blah blah blah
Spoilers: Deals with some things from Olivia's past along with their relationship right up to when Rafe finds them making with the big flirty flirt.
A/N: The five times thing has invaded my brain so here's more. Please be kind, show me some love. I'm a needy bitch.
Kneeling in front of the toilet fervently wishing her stomach would stop turning, she falls back into practices that have been ingrained into her memory from birth. She’d thought she’d given up on even believing in this idea of God her mother drummed into her head. After that first morning, as if waking up alone, cloths torn, memories gone wasn’t enough to make her doubt the presence of God, then the tight smile and disapproval rolling of the man in suit shoving her out the door sealed the deal. No merciful God would ever visit this hell on a sixteen-year-old girl. So she’d snuck back into the house, avoided Marissa and her mother, and buried her childhood, her dreams and God all in the same morning. Four weeks later her dreams and her childhood have stayed buried, but God’s been resurrected in this moment. Resurrected in this moment when her need is greater than it’s ever been. Between bouts of heaving and tears she finds her lips reciting by rote the words that cross her mother’s lips with frequency. She’s never really believed, but she knows in this moment that if her prayers are answered no one will ever convince her that God doesn’t exist. Please God don’t let it be true.
********
The nurses had brought her a padded chair to sit on, once she’d thoroughly convinced them and Buzz that she was going nowhere. She leaned forward, resting her chin on her hands and locked her eyes on the little body in the bed. Beneath the hospital smell she can still detect Emma’s sweet little girl smell, a cross between sugar from the cookies she knows the kitchen staff sneak her daughter and the scent of fresh cut grass that clings to the little girl after every visit to the park. She’d never thought that would become her favorite scent. The hospital moves around them, machines beeping, people passing in the halls and nurses peaking in every few moments, but Olivia’s eyes stay locked on the little girl in the bed. She hears the beep of the machine monitoring Emma’s heartbeat and it takes seconds for her own to match the rhythm. She’s wanted a lot of things in her life; money, power, even love, but she’s never wanted anything as much as she wants to see her daughter’s eyes this very second. She knows she’d give anything for that to happen, even her own life. Suddenly, she remembers Sunday mornings in San Cristobal, Sam’s small hand in hers, her mother’s voice asking God to watch over her family. She knows how well that worked, her father gone, Marissa dead, her childhood destroyed in one night, her mother… Her mind slams down on that thought before it can continue. But for Emma she’d try anything right? Sitting up she clasps her hands and looks up. Please God I’ll give anything.
********
It’s almost like a scene from a western movie. Here they are, standing face to face over the grave of a man that’s come to mean so much to both of them. Two people from such different places, physically and philosophically, tied together by the heart beating franticly in her chest. Olivia has to shake her head to dislodge pictures of Gary Cooper in High Noon from flashing across her brain. She knows it’s a ridiculous thought, but a standoff is exactly what this is. Natalia’s face is set in determination and Olivia knows her own is still too open for Natalia to ignore the pain written across it. Her feelings are a little too close to the surface for even her own comfort. She’s not sure she can do the right thing for Natalia. She’s not sure she has the strength. But in the moment between talking to Gus and facing Natalia she pleads silently, praying to Gus, to God, to anyone in the whole universe who will listen, to give her enough strength to do the right thing. Dear God give me the strength.
********
It had been so easy for her to forget about the rest of the world, to forget even the promises of patience she’d made to the woman standing next to her. One more sweet dimpled smile from Natalia and Olivia thought she might even forget her own name. Today the words she and Natalia have shared have given her glimpses of the future she hopes they can have. And for the first time in her life she finally feels like maybe she could really have it all. Maybe that brass ring is within her grasp. And then, at Rafe's first angry words, it all disappears like smoke slipping through her fingers. She can feel Natalia flinch when the boy demands to know what the hell they’re doing. She wants to believe that they’ll all find a way to make this work, that Rafe will be happy and accept them. But she’d seen his face, even in the short amount of time it took to make her retreat with Emma in tow. Before she and Emma had left Natalia alone to talk to her son, she’d seen the future the way it would be instead of the way she wanted it to be. Now driving her and Emma back to The Beacon, away from the future that had been within her reach, she grips the steering wheel tightly and suddenly wishes some of Natalia’s faith had rubbed off on her. St Anthony, saint of miracles I could use a little favor.
*********
It’s not their first kiss, it’s just the first one that counts. One minute they’re sharing bashful glances across her office, tentatively building bridges between where they are now and where they want to be in the future they see with their hearts. The next minute they’re pressed together from knee to shoulder, and she’s got her arms wrapped around one of the most amazing things in her life. Every part of her body that’s touching Natalia’s sparks with awareness, including her lips that are pressed so deliciously to Natalia’s. She’s had so many kisses she’s lost count, but somehow this feels like her first. Or at least the way her fist is supposed to feel. Her heart trips over itself, beating out a rhythm that she thinks should be setting off that stupid beeper in her purse. The kiss heals every broken piece of her past and promises her a future she’s always wanted. She wishes it could go on forever. But she knows they’re going to have to stop, she can already feel the burn in her lungs, the need to draw in oxygen, but she’s reluctant to pull back. Please God, don’t ever let this moment end.
.
Pairing: GL Otalia
Rating: PG fo sho
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, don't have any money any way blah blah blah
Spoilers: Deals with some things from Olivia's past along with their relationship right up to when Rafe finds them making with the big flirty flirt.
A/N: The five times thing has invaded my brain so here's more. Please be kind, show me some love. I'm a needy bitch.
Kneeling in front of the toilet fervently wishing her stomach would stop turning, she falls back into practices that have been ingrained into her memory from birth. She’d thought she’d given up on even believing in this idea of God her mother drummed into her head. After that first morning, as if waking up alone, cloths torn, memories gone wasn’t enough to make her doubt the presence of God, then the tight smile and disapproval rolling of the man in suit shoving her out the door sealed the deal. No merciful God would ever visit this hell on a sixteen-year-old girl. So she’d snuck back into the house, avoided Marissa and her mother, and buried her childhood, her dreams and God all in the same morning. Four weeks later her dreams and her childhood have stayed buried, but God’s been resurrected in this moment. Resurrected in this moment when her need is greater than it’s ever been. Between bouts of heaving and tears she finds her lips reciting by rote the words that cross her mother’s lips with frequency. She’s never really believed, but she knows in this moment that if her prayers are answered no one will ever convince her that God doesn’t exist. Please God don’t let it be true.
********
The nurses had brought her a padded chair to sit on, once she’d thoroughly convinced them and Buzz that she was going nowhere. She leaned forward, resting her chin on her hands and locked her eyes on the little body in the bed. Beneath the hospital smell she can still detect Emma’s sweet little girl smell, a cross between sugar from the cookies she knows the kitchen staff sneak her daughter and the scent of fresh cut grass that clings to the little girl after every visit to the park. She’d never thought that would become her favorite scent. The hospital moves around them, machines beeping, people passing in the halls and nurses peaking in every few moments, but Olivia’s eyes stay locked on the little girl in the bed. She hears the beep of the machine monitoring Emma’s heartbeat and it takes seconds for her own to match the rhythm. She’s wanted a lot of things in her life; money, power, even love, but she’s never wanted anything as much as she wants to see her daughter’s eyes this very second. She knows she’d give anything for that to happen, even her own life. Suddenly, she remembers Sunday mornings in San Cristobal, Sam’s small hand in hers, her mother’s voice asking God to watch over her family. She knows how well that worked, her father gone, Marissa dead, her childhood destroyed in one night, her mother… Her mind slams down on that thought before it can continue. But for Emma she’d try anything right? Sitting up she clasps her hands and looks up. Please God I’ll give anything.
********
It’s almost like a scene from a western movie. Here they are, standing face to face over the grave of a man that’s come to mean so much to both of them. Two people from such different places, physically and philosophically, tied together by the heart beating franticly in her chest. Olivia has to shake her head to dislodge pictures of Gary Cooper in High Noon from flashing across her brain. She knows it’s a ridiculous thought, but a standoff is exactly what this is. Natalia’s face is set in determination and Olivia knows her own is still too open for Natalia to ignore the pain written across it. Her feelings are a little too close to the surface for even her own comfort. She’s not sure she can do the right thing for Natalia. She’s not sure she has the strength. But in the moment between talking to Gus and facing Natalia she pleads silently, praying to Gus, to God, to anyone in the whole universe who will listen, to give her enough strength to do the right thing. Dear God give me the strength.
********
It had been so easy for her to forget about the rest of the world, to forget even the promises of patience she’d made to the woman standing next to her. One more sweet dimpled smile from Natalia and Olivia thought she might even forget her own name. Today the words she and Natalia have shared have given her glimpses of the future she hopes they can have. And for the first time in her life she finally feels like maybe she could really have it all. Maybe that brass ring is within her grasp. And then, at Rafe's first angry words, it all disappears like smoke slipping through her fingers. She can feel Natalia flinch when the boy demands to know what the hell they’re doing. She wants to believe that they’ll all find a way to make this work, that Rafe will be happy and accept them. But she’d seen his face, even in the short amount of time it took to make her retreat with Emma in tow. Before she and Emma had left Natalia alone to talk to her son, she’d seen the future the way it would be instead of the way she wanted it to be. Now driving her and Emma back to The Beacon, away from the future that had been within her reach, she grips the steering wheel tightly and suddenly wishes some of Natalia’s faith had rubbed off on her. St Anthony, saint of miracles I could use a little favor.
*********
It’s not their first kiss, it’s just the first one that counts. One minute they’re sharing bashful glances across her office, tentatively building bridges between where they are now and where they want to be in the future they see with their hearts. The next minute they’re pressed together from knee to shoulder, and she’s got her arms wrapped around one of the most amazing things in her life. Every part of her body that’s touching Natalia’s sparks with awareness, including her lips that are pressed so deliciously to Natalia’s. She’s had so many kisses she’s lost count, but somehow this feels like her first. Or at least the way her fist is supposed to feel. Her heart trips over itself, beating out a rhythm that she thinks should be setting off that stupid beeper in her purse. The kiss heals every broken piece of her past and promises her a future she’s always wanted. She wishes it could go on forever. But she knows they’re going to have to stop, she can already feel the burn in her lungs, the need to draw in oxygen, but she’s reluctant to pull back. Please God, don’t ever let this moment end.
.