[fic] the sun will rise pt 1
Title: The Sun Will Rise
Chapter: 1 of 3
Rating: PG-PG-13
Pairing: Willow/Tara (also background Spike/Buffy, Xander/Anya)
Disclaimer: Don't own the show, the characters, or the song the title is taken from.
Notes: This one was written from a request on FF.net.
Summary: When Giles leaves at the end of 'Tabula Rasa', Willow goes with him, desperate to change, but leaving Tara, Buffy, and the others behind to live without her... *AU season 6*
The sun was falling and Giles was alone, walking the last stretch between his apartment and his taxi to the airport. The others knew he was leaving, but they’d decided not to make a scene. He’d never enjoyed saying goodbye, not sure he’d be able to leave if he saw Buffy’s expression crumble - or even worse, shut down completely.
The cab was on the curb, but he was intercepted before he could get to the door. Willow appeared as if out of nowhere, her sneakers slapping loudly on the sidewalk as she ran to get to him. “Giles, wait! Wait!” she called, panting as she reached him.
“Willow, what is it? What’s wrong?” The taxi driver was giving the darkening sky anxious glances and Giles waved him back toward the car.
“Take me with you,” she said, breathing hard.
His frown was quick and deep. “Willow…”
“I’m slipping, Giles. I’m losing it.” Her eyes were wide, frantic. “It’s all I think about, all I want! I’m completely out of control. I’ve got to get off the Hellmouth…”
His eyes considered her from behind his glasses, his hand reaching out to her shoulder. “Leaving won’t make it easy, Willow. I’m afraid there is no simple solution for you.”
“I’m afraid of who I’m turning into,” she replied, green eyes haunted as she looked up at him. “I don’t want to be this person. Please, Giles, help me,” she pleaded.
The Watcher sighed, stepping back and opening the car door for her. Willow slid gratefully into the cab, empty-handed and obviously desperate as he looked over at her in the dark. Neither spoke until they got to the airport, making last minute arrangements on the Council’s dime to get the witch booked on his flight to London.
Night had fallen as the plane took off, the lights of Sunnydale disappearing quickly in their wake. England would be the farthest she’d ever been from home and no one even knew she was leaving. Tara’s face floated behind her eyelids and she took a deep breath. The blonde would undoubtedly be worried when they discovered her absence, but after her latest spectacular screw-up she doubted anyone would be missing her anytime soon.
She shook off the vision of her lover, the blonde’s expression becoming disappointed as her thoughts turned morose. “I think I’m going to try and sleep,” she said quietly, twisting onto her side as much as she could on the seat and spreading the thin blue airline blanket over herself.
She closed her eyes, but couldn’t quite manage to find rest or comfort. Her mind was racing, her guilt screaming. Things had gotten so bad, and it seemed to have all happened so fast. First Buffy and her revelation about heaven, then her own out of control memory spells as she tried to fix it but only managed to make things so much worse. Buffy was shut down, Tara was as good as gone. Her girlfriend had made one request of her and she’d failed completely.
Her moody thoughts made her want to cry, and she pushed down that impulse. The magic had gotten out of control, but she could still control her own body. She wasn’t going to cry. She could only keep telling herself that as slow tears rolled down her cheeks.
They’d only just arrived at Giles’ apartment when the phone rang. The Watcher gave Willow a knowing glance, both of them sure they knew who was on the other end. She shrunk back from answering it, feeling like a coward as he stepped past her to pick it up. “Rupert Giles,” he answered, and she could hear Buffy’s frantic voice through the speaker.
“Willow’s gone! She never came home last night! We were out looking for her all night,” the Slayer said anxiously.
“My flight was good,” he said dryly.
“Giles! It’s Willow! What if something happened to her?!” Buffy demanded. “We’re freaking out over here!”
“Willow is okay, Buffy,” he stated, voice calm and it calmed her unconsciously.
“How do you know that?” she questioned suspiciously, both of them able to hear her frown through the phone. “Giles…”
“She’s here…with me.”
“In England?!” Buffy yelped. “Let me talk to her!”
Willow shook her head as Giles looked at her. “We’ve just arrived. Perhaps we can call you later.”
“Is she okay? Tara’s freaking out!” Willow winced, shaking her head again. She couldn’t talk to them, any of them, not yet.
“Willow is safe,” Giles assured her.
Abruptly, Tara’s voice came through the line and Willow physically flinched. “Willow? Honey, please,” she pleaded. “Talk to me. I love you!”
“Tara…” Willow’s voice was hoarse, hands trembling at her sides. “I can’t,” she ground out through clenched teeth. She spun to go before her partner could speak again, sure that hearing the inevitable disappointment in her voice would break her resolve. She already wanted to turn around, back to the airport and home to beg for forgiveness. But she couldn’t do it. Not yet. Not until she could be trusted not to abuse the magic. Just the thought of what she’d done blew her mind. Using a spell on Tara, even without the mental abuses she’d gone through under Glory, was unconscionable.
Giles watched sadly as she bolted, slamming the bathroom door behind her. “She’s gone,” he informed the concerned girls on the other end of the line.
“What?!” Buffy demanded shrilly. “Giles!”
“Willow’s going through something,” Giles told her. “She needs help.”
“Okay, we’ll help her,” she said flatly. “Why’d she go to England?”
The Watcher sighed patiently, wishing that there was something that his Slayer could do. “I’m afraid this was her decision.”
“Can you help her?” Tara interjected, obviously near tears. “Please help her.”
“Willow’s powers have been beyond my own level for some time now, but I know some people who can help if anyone is capable of helping her,” he told her soothingly. “We’ll go tomorrow.”
“Thank you!” Tara sighed. “Giles…” Her voice trailed off, overwhelmed.
“You’ll keep in touch, right? Let us know how she’s doing?” Buffy asked, voice softer as she watched Tara’s suffering. “What we can do to help?”
“I will,” he promised. “I’ll call again tomorrow once we get a few things settled.”
“Okay,” Buffy agreed. “Thanks Giles.”
They clicked off and he went to knock on the door Willow was hiding behind. “You can come out now.” The knob turned and the door opened, but she didn’t come out. He peeked in to find her sitting on the tile floor, knees curled up to her chest. He entered and sat down across from her, moving slowly. “I have some friends who can help you. It won’t be easy. There’s no quick fix for you, Willow.”
“I have to, Giles,” she said immediately. “I can’t be like that anymore. Whatever it takes, however long…”
He hesitated, not sure she was considering the ramifications of such a commitment. “Your friends at home…if you’re sincere in this desire, it may be a long while before you see them again.” His sympathetic eyes found hers. “Tara…”
Willow felt tears sliding down her cheeks and she swallowed hard. “I know.” She tried to keep from crying, but couldn’t manage it. “What right do I have to be with her, when I’m like this?” She hiccupped, shoulders shaking. “How could I possibly ask her to wait…”
Giles wanted to comfort her, but the whole situation was out of his realm. So he reassured her with the one constant that he knew could help. “Tara loves you, Willow.” She couldn’t help a small smile at the way he always said her lover’s name, the soft, long ah sounds. “And some part of this is for her as well.”
“She’s everything, Giles,” Willow said hoarsely. “But I lost her.” Her eyes were teary. “She’s going to leave me. I had the best thing in the world and I threw it away.”
“You’re working things out,” he corrected her. “You and Tara will do the same.”
“Maybe,” she murmured, but her tone wasn’t convinced. She took a deep breath, sitting up straighter and wiping her eyes. “I want to be the person she loves again. I don’t know who I am anymore, but I’m not that person that Tara fell for.” Her face fell again and her breathing was shuddery. “I’m not Willow, not really…” Teary eyes found his sympathetic gaze and she blinked, sending the tears rolling down her face. “I want to be Willow again…”
“You will be,” he said softly. “We’ll go tomorrow and you can meet my friends at the coven.” She nodded, looking just the littlest bit encouraged. “And we’ll call home and you can reassure everyone. If you’re feeling up to it,” he added, seeing her expression freeze momentarily.
Her fingers were playing restlessly with creases in her jeans, the same jeans she’d been wearing since -Tara left, Buffy was happy - one day and she’d managed to ruin her life… She pushed the pain down, only realizing that her eyes had closed when she opened them. “Maybe,” she said quietly. The way she felt now, she didn’t know when speaking to the others would be conceivable. Some bitter, snide voice in her head, a voice that sounded strangely like Faith, reminded her that it was her own fault that she was hurting, that her friends were hurting because of her, that she’d had to run away to England to get away from her guilt.
Then Giles’ hand was in front of her eyes and he gave her a kind smile. “Let’s get some sleep,” he coaxed, helping her to her feet. They worked together soundlessly to make up the couch for her, the witch tucking herself under the blankets and watching as he sorted through bills and catalogues that had come since his return to Sunnydale a few weeks earlier. He was at home here, but she could see his conflict in his frame, his shoulders slumped and his steps slow.
The light clicked off in the kitchen and he padded toward his room quietly, leaving her to toss and turn on the couch. Sleep came only at the extremity of exhaustion and was over much too soon, sunlight through the patio doors the next morning dragging her awake. Giles already had coffee going, and he greeted her with a mug, sipping his own as he settled on the armrest by her feet.
“Morning,” she said hoarsely, sitting up and curling both hands around the cup. It was still steaming and the warmth seemed to radiate through her, down her arms and into her chest. It couldn’t touch her pain, the part of her that felt like solid ice inside. “What’s the plan?”
Giles gave her a smile, remembering the dedicated student she’d been at their first meeting. It was no surprise that the witch was eager to get started. “Well, I imagine that you’d rather not wear those clothes for much longer, so I thought we might remedy your lack of wardrobe before we leave for the country.”
Willow paused on her sip, looking down at herself. “You mean wearing the same clothes for three days isn’t the pinnacle of fashion?” she asked sarcastically.
“I wouldn’t know about that, but I thought you might enjoy a shower sometime in the near future,” he reminded her.
She nodded, smiling ruefully. “Okay. Then what?”
The Watcher gave her a patiently fond look. “Then we’ll go see my friends.”
The plan got carried out handily, Willow getting new clothes to replace the ones she’d left behind in Sunnydale, and getting cleaned up. She wasn’t nervous until Giles’ car’s tires crunched from pavement to gravel, the vehicle moving more slowly as they started uphill.
“You’re making a big commitment, Willow,” he said softly as they stopped, glancing sideways across the car at her. She met his eyes without speaking, and he continued. “I think they can help you. It will be good for you here.”
“Are you just going to leave?” she asked, She’d run away from home, but the idea of being completely cut off from her friends, from the people she loved, was too much to contemplate.
He shook his head, smiling reassuringly. “Of course not.”
“I’m sure this isn’t how you’d planned on starting your retirement,” she said, regret in her tone.
It took him another moment to answer. “No matter what, I will always care for Buffy…and for you.”
“And Xander?” she asked, unable to help smirking.
“Yes, and Xander. And Tara and Anya and Dawn.”
Then why’d you leave us? The thought shot through her brain, but she didn’t speak it, had enough self-control left for that. Instead she mustered a weak smile, smoothing both hands down the tops of her legs. “Thanks Giles.”
He nodded and they slid out of the car, the Watcher joining her at the front and moving forward together. Willow hung back as he greeted a middle-aged woman with long brown hair. “Willow Rosenberg, this is Paula Green,” he introduced them, stepping to the side to let them shake hands.
The redhead extended one hand hesitantly, greeting the other woman. She tensed as she felt the elder witch’s cautious exploration, a tiny tendril of energy that felt out her own power. Her first reaction was to match it with her own, but she held back, letting herself be mystically explored.
Paula clicked her tongue as she released Willow’s hand, giving her a sympathetic look. “It won’t be easy for you, my dear.” Her gaze turned to Giles. “It’s worse than you thought.”
“I’ll do what it takes,” Willow said seriously. “I want to be better.”
Paula surveyed her again, pacing a slow circle around the redhead. “I believe that you do.” She gave Giles a nod and Willow looked between the two adults quickly, not sure what the next step was now that she’d apparently been accepted. “Let’s find you two some rooms.” She led the way inside, Giles collecting their bags from the backseat and following Willow.
They were given rooms across from each other, the rooms small and sparse, but comfortable. Willow’s had a twin bed with a thick blue quilt that a voice in her head noted that Tara would have loved, and a tall, upright chest of drawers. Wanting to demonstrate her determination, she intended to get settled in immediately, but a bell chimed before either one could start unpacking.
“That’s supper,” Paula informed them. “If you’d care to join us.” She gave Willow a coaxing smile. “Jane is quite a good cook.”
Giles handled further introductions, the coven witches insisting that they take seats in the middle of the long table. Willow was quiet, letting the others interact around her. Giles was evidently good friends with several of the women, but a few of the younger ones had only heard stories about him. But none of them knew Willow and she was grateful for the privacy that bought her. Conversations went around her and over her, dishes passed up and down the table around her.
Left on her own, her thoughts inevitably turned to Tara. She’d been forcing her lover to the back of her mind ever since she’d fled, knowing that thinking of all she’d lost would drive her around the bend. But Tara had been the cook around Revello Drive and meals had become their family time with Dawn and Xander and Anya after Buffy had died. It had been bad, but now was somehow even worse. Even without Buffy she’d had Tara. Now she was alone.
Giles nudged her with an elbow, giving her a comforting smile and forcing her to amend her mental statement. She wasn’t home, wasn’t happy, but she wasn’t completely alone either.
Studies began in earnest after dinner, the ever-studious witch taking every book that was offered to her back to her room to read. She went to bed late, didn’t sleep well, and was woken up at sunrise for meditation with a few of the older witches, sitting while they evaluated her abilities.
“Well, what do I have to do? Quit or something?” she asked, looking up at them as she relaxed her legs and stretched.
“It would be easier for you if you could just quit,” Paula, apparently the group’s spokesperson, said. “What you’ll go through will be worse than the withdrawals.” She sighed heavily, arms crossed over her chest. “You’re quite powerful, but bottling the power is just as bad as unleashing it. What you must learn to do is control it, control yourself.” She gave the redhead a strained smile. “It will prove…trying, I’m afraid.”
“Whatever it takes,” Willow said, repeating what had become her personal mantra since she’d arrived in England. “Where do we start?”
Giles was walking up the hill toward the group, and he paused to listen as Paula and the other witches outlined a course of study for her, weaning her off of magic for a start. Willow listened attentively, determination plain on her face. She only noticed the Watcher’s presence when he cleared his throat. “Time for a break?” he suggested.
Willow waited for a nod from Paula before she agreed, not wanting anyone to think she was trying to get out of doing the work they’d just told her she was in for. “Thanks Giles,” she said as he handed her a tall glass of water.
“How was this morning’s meditation?” he asked, the pair walking as they talked.
“It was good,” she said. “Simple, but I don’t expect that it will stay that way.” She was quiet as they strolled down the hill, her eyes looking around curiously. “How did you find this place, Giles? I mean, you know them, so it wasn’t just for me…”
He gave her a small smile, his hands tucked in his pockets. “The first time I was here for much the same reason that you are. I was out of control, didn’t know myself.”
“And you came here for help?” Willow asked, looking at him with a fresh respect. She’d always looked up to him, but rarely remembered that he had struggled in much the same way that she was. He’d been their authority figure, Buffy’s Watcher and their teacher and guide, and it made it difficult to imagine that he’d once been an addicted teen like her.
His response took a bit longer to come, his hesitation obvious. “I was not as willing as you have been.” A rueful smile appeared on his lips. “I’m afraid many of the ladies here have quite a few memories of me as a willful, disobedient youth.”
“They all seem to like you now,” Willow pointed out with a laugh.
“Ah, well it’s been a long time since those days. I’m a much different man than I was.” Their eyes met and he smiled. “You’ve gotten several phone calls this morning,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Buffy called at five. And Tara has called every hour since. Xander was on the last call as well.”
The redhead sighed, looking over as his hand touched her shoulder. “Giles, I don’t know what to do…”
“You might start with talking to them,” he suggested kindly. “They’re your friends. They care very much for you.” His eyebrows rose. “Care enough to not bother with calculating the time difference,” he reminded her, voice softly teasing. “And I have no doubt that I’ve missed more than one phone call while we’re out here.” Willow looked conflicted and he stopped them to put both hands on her shoulders. “There’s no way to know that the friends you left behind are still your friends until you talk to them, Willow.”
“I don’t even know where to start,” Willow whispered. What was unspoken was clear. She couldn’t expect her life in Sunnydale to wait on her while she struggled on the other side of the globe. She couldn’t expect Tara to wait on her - not with all their problems, the lies and secrets that had ruined them. Green eyes closed and she tried to gather her strength. It would take everything she had to do what she must. “I’ll call home,” she said in surrender. “Thank you, Giles.”
He didn’t follow her inside, seeming to sense that she couldn’t do it with him looking over her shoulder. Her new bedroom was unfamiliar still, but it was better than nothing. The phone barely rang once before it was picked up. “Willow?” Buffy’s voice was hopeful and anxious.
“Have you been answering the phone like that all day?” she asked with a laugh to keep herself from panicking further.
“Thank God it’s you!” Buffy said, relieved. “Tara! She’s on the phone!” she called, raising her voice. “How are you? How’s England?”
“Fine. Everything’s fine,” Willow promised reassuringly.
“So why’d you leave then? Will, you didn’t even say goodbye!” Buffy reminded her, voice stressed.
Willow paused, frowning. “Buffy, are you okay?”
The Slayer looked up from the desk as Tara rushed in. “I’m…you know, I’m worried about you,” she said, stammering suddenly. “Listen, Tara wants to talk to you,” she said, clearly trying to get off the phone.
Before Willow could say anything, the phone had changed hands and Tara’s voice was in her ear. “Willow…”
The redhead’s eyes slammed shut at the sound of her name on Tara’s lips. “Tara.” She didn’t realize that she’d spoken until the blonde was crying softly in her ear. “Please don’t cry,” she pleaded. “I can’t make you cry anymore…” She swallowed hard, gathering her nerves. “Which is why I have something to say…”
“No,” Tara moaned, but Willow wouldn’t let herself be dissuaded.
“I don’t know how long I’m going to be gone,” she started, steeling herself against her lover’s whimper. “Tara, with how bad I messed up, as much as I hurt you… I can’t ask you to wait for me.”
“Willow…”
“No, please, just listen. I love you. I haven’t always shown you like I should have but I will always love you.” She sucked in a shuddery breath, her face feeling hot. “I can’t ask you to wait for me, though, Tara. You deserve…”
“Stop it!” Tara interrupted suddenly. “We talked about this, Willow! You can’t make decisions about our relationship by yourself!” The redhead could hear her tears over the phone, felt her heart clench at the sound. “You can’t run away to England, and not talk to me for three days, and then try and call and break up with me. That’s not how this is going to happen!”
“Did you not leave me?” Willow shot back, cursing herself before it was even out of her mouth. “Tara, I didn’t mean that…it’s stressful here, and I miss you, and I never want to hurt you again. Can you understand? I had to leave. I have to get better.”
“That’s all I ever wanted, Willow,” Tara said softly, still sniffling.
Willow sighed shakily. “I don’t know who I am anymore, Tara,” she whispered. “How can you love me when I don’t even know who that is.”
“I know you,” Tara stated, no trace of a stutter in her voice. “And I love you for who I know that you are.” She hesitated. “Honestly, I haven’t seen her lately, though.”
“Me neither,” Willow admitted. “And I’m scared of the person I am now. I can’t be the person who hurt you anymore. That’s why I had to leave, come here. They think they can help me be better. If I can control it, maybe I can come home.”
Tara smiled helplessly, able to hear her lover’s cautiously hopeful excitement. “You can control it, sweetie,” she said, wiping tears from her face with her free hand. “We all believe in you.”
“Thank you,” Willow gasped, overwhelmingly grateful. “I talked to the coven this morning, though, and they said…baby, it’s going to be a while before…”
“I believe in you, Willow,” Tara interjected. “Me. And I don’t care how long it takes. I just want you to feel better.”
“I don’t want you to wait on me,” Willow said bluntly, forcing herself to say it before she lost her nerve. Tara didn’t speak and she continued, “You deserve so much better than me, Tara. And I’m going to be gone… You should have a life - without me.”
“I don’t want one,” Tara answered promptly. “If you want to break up with me, you can do it to my face, Willow.”
“Don’t be like this,” Willow pleaded. “Tara, I’m trying to do the right thing by you!” She paused, trying to think. “How about this? I won’t be expecting anything when I get home. And if I’m lucky enough that you haven’t found someone else, we can start over. I mean, if you still want me. And if you’ve moved on, then I just have to live with my mistake.”
Tara swallowed hard, knowing that the redhead wouldn’t let this go. “If that’s the best I can get, I’ll take it,” she said finally. “But know that I love you, Willow. If you need some time, though, I’ll give it to you.” Her eyes closed helplessly. “I know you’re going to be going through a lot, so I won’t call again until you want me to. Just, please, you or Giles, one of you please call and let us know how it’s going,” she requested. “And anything that you need from me, you know it’s yours. You know that, right?”
Willow could feel tears sliding down her face, relief and love overwhelming her in a wave. “I know that,” she agreed hoarsely. It wasn’t something she wanted to need, but she knew that Tara was there for her, always would be, and she depended on it. “You’ll always be my friend…” she said lowly, repeating their words from that simultaneously awful and wonderful day when Oz had come back for her and she’d had to choose her love.
“Honey, of course I will,” Tara reaffirmed immediately.
Willow took another shaky breath, feeling her pulse pounding in her temples. “Tara, just…please be careful. The Hellmouth is dangerous and I…I need you to be okay.”
“Buffy’s here,” Tara reminded her. “We’ll be careful.” She paused for a beat. “You take care of yourself, Willow.” There was more she wanted to say, but she forced herself to stay quiet.
“I will. You too.” Willow made herself keep it simple, wanting to let herself beg for forgiveness but forcing it down. She could only pray that Tara would give her a chance to apologize whenever she could look her in the eyes again. “Is Buffy…or-or Xander, could I talk to…”
“Y-yeah, of course,” Tara stammered just as Xander came through the front door. “Xander!” she called. “Willow’s on the p-phone for you,” she said, handing it off to him.
He sat down in her seat at the desk and she started toward the front door only to hesitate at the base of the stairs. She had always known that her standing in the Scooby group stemmed from her relationship with Willow, but in the months after Buffy’s death, she’d grown more assured that the others liked her for who she was and not just who she was dating. Now that Willow was gone, though, she wasn’t sure what to do about her living situation. Willow wasn’t wrong, she’d packed the night Giles had left, but Willow had left as well and run further than she ever would have been able to do herself.
She knew Dawn wanted her to stay, and Revello Drive had become her home in those dark, painful months following the Slayer’s death. Buffy was back now though, so her presence in the house wasn’t strictly needed, especially in the light of Willow’s absence.
Sighing, she started up the stairs, telling herself that she could make one last check of their room and see if there was anything big she’d left behind. The room felt beyond empty, even with all of Willow’s things still in place. Just knowing that she was gone made everything feel less bright, the entire world less colorful. A framed picture on the dresser caught her eye, the two of them dancing close at her birthday party two years before, and she wondered who’d taken it. Even in the still she could see how happy they both were, the peace on Willow’s face and the completion on her own.
Another look around the room didn’t reveal anything obvious that she’d left, but she held onto the picture frame. As she turned to leave, she was surprised by Buffy, the Slayer lingering in the doorway. Her face was pale, eyes red and it was plain that she was beyond exhausted. “Hey,” Tara greeted her softly. “I was just going to g-go…”
“Why?” Buffy asked, still leaning with her shoulder in the doorway, her body blocking the exit. “Will’s not going to be using the room for a while, it sounds like. And Dawn said something about you leaving, I’m assuming that’s why she was in such a bitchy mood this morning…” She sighed heavily, something else beyond her best friend and her Watcher’s departures haunting her blue eyes. “I’d love it if you would stay, Tara.” Buffy looked around the room, still seeing traces of her mother’s presence through the witches’ possessions that filled the room now. “Please…this is your home now too.”
There was clearly something she wasn’t saying, something she couldn’t bring herself to speak aloud. “Willow, I was l-leaving…” Tara stammered. “And s-she…she said she didn’t w-want me to w-wait…”
Buffy nodded, her arms crossing her chest. “Yeah, you guys are having problems, I get that…but she’s not here, and… Dawn loves you guys, both of you. If you both leave, she’s going to hate me for letting you get out the door.” She gave a weak smile. “And you’re my friend, Tara. I don’t want you to go, but I understand if you can’t stay here…”
“Are you okay, Buffy?” Tara asked, concerned by the Slayer’s odd behavior.
The Slayer blinked, nodding. “Yeah,” she said unconvincingly. “Just, you know, Will and Giles are gone…”
The witch could sense that there was more to it, but she didn’t push. “Okay,” she agreed slowly. “You really wouldn’t mind if I stayed?”
“Of course not,” Buffy said immediately. “Mi casa is you casa, or whatever.”
Tara smiled crookedly, relieved. “Thanks Buffy. I guess I’ll get my stuff back from the campus tomorrow after class. And when Willow comes back…”
“We’ll figure it out then, okay?” Buffy interjected. “And thank you, Tara,” she said, voice low and tired. “It’s still…rough being back and I’m not sure I can handle Dawnie if you weren’t around.”
She turned to go, drawn back as Tara cleared her throat. “Willow… I told her I wouldn’t call again, but s-she promised to call and l-let us know how it’s going…” She swallowed, Buffy looking over her shoulder at the witch. “Just, please, tell me how she’s doing? I told her we wouldn’t talk, but I still need to know.”
“Of course,” Buffy agreed.
“And if she ever, if she needs anything, tell me?”
The Slayer nodded. “Sure, Tara.” She hesitated. “You guys can work it out, right? You and Will are the light at the end of my relationship tunnel.”
“What do you mean?” Tara asked, laughing quietly as she curled both arms around herself.
Buffy shrugged, still not facing her. “I mean love on the Hellmouth sucks, sometimes literally in my case, and you guys give me hope.” She smiled and the expression was almost sad. “If it makes a difference, Will’s doing this for you. She’d do anything for you.”
Tara’s head shook from side to side. “I don’t need her to do it for me. I need her to do it for herself.” She looked down shyly, eyes finding her beloved’s face in the picture still in her grip. “If she gets better and decides that she doesn’t want to work this out with me, at least she’s better. That’s what matters.”
“What you want matters too, Tara,” Buffy said, surprising them both with the sudden insight. “And it’s really great of you to be so supportive for Will, but if you want her, don’t let her get away.”
“Thank you, Buffy,” the witch said again, giving her a soft smile as she put the picture frame back down on the dresser. It might not be what either of them had expected from their separation, but she’d be home waiting on her whenever Willow returned. And she was willing to fight to keep her.
[part 2 is here]
Chapter: 1 of 3
Rating: PG-PG-13
Pairing: Willow/Tara (also background Spike/Buffy, Xander/Anya)
Disclaimer: Don't own the show, the characters, or the song the title is taken from.
Notes: This one was written from a request on FF.net.
Summary: When Giles leaves at the end of 'Tabula Rasa', Willow goes with him, desperate to change, but leaving Tara, Buffy, and the others behind to live without her... *AU season 6*
The sun was falling and Giles was alone, walking the last stretch between his apartment and his taxi to the airport. The others knew he was leaving, but they’d decided not to make a scene. He’d never enjoyed saying goodbye, not sure he’d be able to leave if he saw Buffy’s expression crumble - or even worse, shut down completely.
The cab was on the curb, but he was intercepted before he could get to the door. Willow appeared as if out of nowhere, her sneakers slapping loudly on the sidewalk as she ran to get to him. “Giles, wait! Wait!” she called, panting as she reached him.
“Willow, what is it? What’s wrong?” The taxi driver was giving the darkening sky anxious glances and Giles waved him back toward the car.
“Take me with you,” she said, breathing hard.
His frown was quick and deep. “Willow…”
“I’m slipping, Giles. I’m losing it.” Her eyes were wide, frantic. “It’s all I think about, all I want! I’m completely out of control. I’ve got to get off the Hellmouth…”
His eyes considered her from behind his glasses, his hand reaching out to her shoulder. “Leaving won’t make it easy, Willow. I’m afraid there is no simple solution for you.”
“I’m afraid of who I’m turning into,” she replied, green eyes haunted as she looked up at him. “I don’t want to be this person. Please, Giles, help me,” she pleaded.
The Watcher sighed, stepping back and opening the car door for her. Willow slid gratefully into the cab, empty-handed and obviously desperate as he looked over at her in the dark. Neither spoke until they got to the airport, making last minute arrangements on the Council’s dime to get the witch booked on his flight to London.
Night had fallen as the plane took off, the lights of Sunnydale disappearing quickly in their wake. England would be the farthest she’d ever been from home and no one even knew she was leaving. Tara’s face floated behind her eyelids and she took a deep breath. The blonde would undoubtedly be worried when they discovered her absence, but after her latest spectacular screw-up she doubted anyone would be missing her anytime soon.
She shook off the vision of her lover, the blonde’s expression becoming disappointed as her thoughts turned morose. “I think I’m going to try and sleep,” she said quietly, twisting onto her side as much as she could on the seat and spreading the thin blue airline blanket over herself.
She closed her eyes, but couldn’t quite manage to find rest or comfort. Her mind was racing, her guilt screaming. Things had gotten so bad, and it seemed to have all happened so fast. First Buffy and her revelation about heaven, then her own out of control memory spells as she tried to fix it but only managed to make things so much worse. Buffy was shut down, Tara was as good as gone. Her girlfriend had made one request of her and she’d failed completely.
Her moody thoughts made her want to cry, and she pushed down that impulse. The magic had gotten out of control, but she could still control her own body. She wasn’t going to cry. She could only keep telling herself that as slow tears rolled down her cheeks.
They’d only just arrived at Giles’ apartment when the phone rang. The Watcher gave Willow a knowing glance, both of them sure they knew who was on the other end. She shrunk back from answering it, feeling like a coward as he stepped past her to pick it up. “Rupert Giles,” he answered, and she could hear Buffy’s frantic voice through the speaker.
“Willow’s gone! She never came home last night! We were out looking for her all night,” the Slayer said anxiously.
“My flight was good,” he said dryly.
“Giles! It’s Willow! What if something happened to her?!” Buffy demanded. “We’re freaking out over here!”
“Willow is okay, Buffy,” he stated, voice calm and it calmed her unconsciously.
“How do you know that?” she questioned suspiciously, both of them able to hear her frown through the phone. “Giles…”
“She’s here…with me.”
“In England?!” Buffy yelped. “Let me talk to her!”
Willow shook her head as Giles looked at her. “We’ve just arrived. Perhaps we can call you later.”
“Is she okay? Tara’s freaking out!” Willow winced, shaking her head again. She couldn’t talk to them, any of them, not yet.
“Willow is safe,” Giles assured her.
Abruptly, Tara’s voice came through the line and Willow physically flinched. “Willow? Honey, please,” she pleaded. “Talk to me. I love you!”
“Tara…” Willow’s voice was hoarse, hands trembling at her sides. “I can’t,” she ground out through clenched teeth. She spun to go before her partner could speak again, sure that hearing the inevitable disappointment in her voice would break her resolve. She already wanted to turn around, back to the airport and home to beg for forgiveness. But she couldn’t do it. Not yet. Not until she could be trusted not to abuse the magic. Just the thought of what she’d done blew her mind. Using a spell on Tara, even without the mental abuses she’d gone through under Glory, was unconscionable.
Giles watched sadly as she bolted, slamming the bathroom door behind her. “She’s gone,” he informed the concerned girls on the other end of the line.
“What?!” Buffy demanded shrilly. “Giles!”
“Willow’s going through something,” Giles told her. “She needs help.”
“Okay, we’ll help her,” she said flatly. “Why’d she go to England?”
The Watcher sighed patiently, wishing that there was something that his Slayer could do. “I’m afraid this was her decision.”
“Can you help her?” Tara interjected, obviously near tears. “Please help her.”
“Willow’s powers have been beyond my own level for some time now, but I know some people who can help if anyone is capable of helping her,” he told her soothingly. “We’ll go tomorrow.”
“Thank you!” Tara sighed. “Giles…” Her voice trailed off, overwhelmed.
“You’ll keep in touch, right? Let us know how she’s doing?” Buffy asked, voice softer as she watched Tara’s suffering. “What we can do to help?”
“I will,” he promised. “I’ll call again tomorrow once we get a few things settled.”
“Okay,” Buffy agreed. “Thanks Giles.”
They clicked off and he went to knock on the door Willow was hiding behind. “You can come out now.” The knob turned and the door opened, but she didn’t come out. He peeked in to find her sitting on the tile floor, knees curled up to her chest. He entered and sat down across from her, moving slowly. “I have some friends who can help you. It won’t be easy. There’s no quick fix for you, Willow.”
“I have to, Giles,” she said immediately. “I can’t be like that anymore. Whatever it takes, however long…”
He hesitated, not sure she was considering the ramifications of such a commitment. “Your friends at home…if you’re sincere in this desire, it may be a long while before you see them again.” His sympathetic eyes found hers. “Tara…”
Willow felt tears sliding down her cheeks and she swallowed hard. “I know.” She tried to keep from crying, but couldn’t manage it. “What right do I have to be with her, when I’m like this?” She hiccupped, shoulders shaking. “How could I possibly ask her to wait…”
Giles wanted to comfort her, but the whole situation was out of his realm. So he reassured her with the one constant that he knew could help. “Tara loves you, Willow.” She couldn’t help a small smile at the way he always said her lover’s name, the soft, long ah sounds. “And some part of this is for her as well.”
“She’s everything, Giles,” Willow said hoarsely. “But I lost her.” Her eyes were teary. “She’s going to leave me. I had the best thing in the world and I threw it away.”
“You’re working things out,” he corrected her. “You and Tara will do the same.”
“Maybe,” she murmured, but her tone wasn’t convinced. She took a deep breath, sitting up straighter and wiping her eyes. “I want to be the person she loves again. I don’t know who I am anymore, but I’m not that person that Tara fell for.” Her face fell again and her breathing was shuddery. “I’m not Willow, not really…” Teary eyes found his sympathetic gaze and she blinked, sending the tears rolling down her face. “I want to be Willow again…”
“You will be,” he said softly. “We’ll go tomorrow and you can meet my friends at the coven.” She nodded, looking just the littlest bit encouraged. “And we’ll call home and you can reassure everyone. If you’re feeling up to it,” he added, seeing her expression freeze momentarily.
Her fingers were playing restlessly with creases in her jeans, the same jeans she’d been wearing since -Tara left, Buffy was happy - one day and she’d managed to ruin her life… She pushed the pain down, only realizing that her eyes had closed when she opened them. “Maybe,” she said quietly. The way she felt now, she didn’t know when speaking to the others would be conceivable. Some bitter, snide voice in her head, a voice that sounded strangely like Faith, reminded her that it was her own fault that she was hurting, that her friends were hurting because of her, that she’d had to run away to England to get away from her guilt.
Then Giles’ hand was in front of her eyes and he gave her a kind smile. “Let’s get some sleep,” he coaxed, helping her to her feet. They worked together soundlessly to make up the couch for her, the witch tucking herself under the blankets and watching as he sorted through bills and catalogues that had come since his return to Sunnydale a few weeks earlier. He was at home here, but she could see his conflict in his frame, his shoulders slumped and his steps slow.
The light clicked off in the kitchen and he padded toward his room quietly, leaving her to toss and turn on the couch. Sleep came only at the extremity of exhaustion and was over much too soon, sunlight through the patio doors the next morning dragging her awake. Giles already had coffee going, and he greeted her with a mug, sipping his own as he settled on the armrest by her feet.
“Morning,” she said hoarsely, sitting up and curling both hands around the cup. It was still steaming and the warmth seemed to radiate through her, down her arms and into her chest. It couldn’t touch her pain, the part of her that felt like solid ice inside. “What’s the plan?”
Giles gave her a smile, remembering the dedicated student she’d been at their first meeting. It was no surprise that the witch was eager to get started. “Well, I imagine that you’d rather not wear those clothes for much longer, so I thought we might remedy your lack of wardrobe before we leave for the country.”
Willow paused on her sip, looking down at herself. “You mean wearing the same clothes for three days isn’t the pinnacle of fashion?” she asked sarcastically.
“I wouldn’t know about that, but I thought you might enjoy a shower sometime in the near future,” he reminded her.
She nodded, smiling ruefully. “Okay. Then what?”
The Watcher gave her a patiently fond look. “Then we’ll go see my friends.”
The plan got carried out handily, Willow getting new clothes to replace the ones she’d left behind in Sunnydale, and getting cleaned up. She wasn’t nervous until Giles’ car’s tires crunched from pavement to gravel, the vehicle moving more slowly as they started uphill.
“You’re making a big commitment, Willow,” he said softly as they stopped, glancing sideways across the car at her. She met his eyes without speaking, and he continued. “I think they can help you. It will be good for you here.”
“Are you just going to leave?” she asked, She’d run away from home, but the idea of being completely cut off from her friends, from the people she loved, was too much to contemplate.
He shook his head, smiling reassuringly. “Of course not.”
“I’m sure this isn’t how you’d planned on starting your retirement,” she said, regret in her tone.
It took him another moment to answer. “No matter what, I will always care for Buffy…and for you.”
“And Xander?” she asked, unable to help smirking.
“Yes, and Xander. And Tara and Anya and Dawn.”
Then why’d you leave us? The thought shot through her brain, but she didn’t speak it, had enough self-control left for that. Instead she mustered a weak smile, smoothing both hands down the tops of her legs. “Thanks Giles.”
He nodded and they slid out of the car, the Watcher joining her at the front and moving forward together. Willow hung back as he greeted a middle-aged woman with long brown hair. “Willow Rosenberg, this is Paula Green,” he introduced them, stepping to the side to let them shake hands.
The redhead extended one hand hesitantly, greeting the other woman. She tensed as she felt the elder witch’s cautious exploration, a tiny tendril of energy that felt out her own power. Her first reaction was to match it with her own, but she held back, letting herself be mystically explored.
Paula clicked her tongue as she released Willow’s hand, giving her a sympathetic look. “It won’t be easy for you, my dear.” Her gaze turned to Giles. “It’s worse than you thought.”
“I’ll do what it takes,” Willow said seriously. “I want to be better.”
Paula surveyed her again, pacing a slow circle around the redhead. “I believe that you do.” She gave Giles a nod and Willow looked between the two adults quickly, not sure what the next step was now that she’d apparently been accepted. “Let’s find you two some rooms.” She led the way inside, Giles collecting their bags from the backseat and following Willow.
They were given rooms across from each other, the rooms small and sparse, but comfortable. Willow’s had a twin bed with a thick blue quilt that a voice in her head noted that Tara would have loved, and a tall, upright chest of drawers. Wanting to demonstrate her determination, she intended to get settled in immediately, but a bell chimed before either one could start unpacking.
“That’s supper,” Paula informed them. “If you’d care to join us.” She gave Willow a coaxing smile. “Jane is quite a good cook.”
Giles handled further introductions, the coven witches insisting that they take seats in the middle of the long table. Willow was quiet, letting the others interact around her. Giles was evidently good friends with several of the women, but a few of the younger ones had only heard stories about him. But none of them knew Willow and she was grateful for the privacy that bought her. Conversations went around her and over her, dishes passed up and down the table around her.
Left on her own, her thoughts inevitably turned to Tara. She’d been forcing her lover to the back of her mind ever since she’d fled, knowing that thinking of all she’d lost would drive her around the bend. But Tara had been the cook around Revello Drive and meals had become their family time with Dawn and Xander and Anya after Buffy had died. It had been bad, but now was somehow even worse. Even without Buffy she’d had Tara. Now she was alone.
Giles nudged her with an elbow, giving her a comforting smile and forcing her to amend her mental statement. She wasn’t home, wasn’t happy, but she wasn’t completely alone either.
Studies began in earnest after dinner, the ever-studious witch taking every book that was offered to her back to her room to read. She went to bed late, didn’t sleep well, and was woken up at sunrise for meditation with a few of the older witches, sitting while they evaluated her abilities.
“Well, what do I have to do? Quit or something?” she asked, looking up at them as she relaxed her legs and stretched.
“It would be easier for you if you could just quit,” Paula, apparently the group’s spokesperson, said. “What you’ll go through will be worse than the withdrawals.” She sighed heavily, arms crossed over her chest. “You’re quite powerful, but bottling the power is just as bad as unleashing it. What you must learn to do is control it, control yourself.” She gave the redhead a strained smile. “It will prove…trying, I’m afraid.”
“Whatever it takes,” Willow said, repeating what had become her personal mantra since she’d arrived in England. “Where do we start?”
Giles was walking up the hill toward the group, and he paused to listen as Paula and the other witches outlined a course of study for her, weaning her off of magic for a start. Willow listened attentively, determination plain on her face. She only noticed the Watcher’s presence when he cleared his throat. “Time for a break?” he suggested.
Willow waited for a nod from Paula before she agreed, not wanting anyone to think she was trying to get out of doing the work they’d just told her she was in for. “Thanks Giles,” she said as he handed her a tall glass of water.
“How was this morning’s meditation?” he asked, the pair walking as they talked.
“It was good,” she said. “Simple, but I don’t expect that it will stay that way.” She was quiet as they strolled down the hill, her eyes looking around curiously. “How did you find this place, Giles? I mean, you know them, so it wasn’t just for me…”
He gave her a small smile, his hands tucked in his pockets. “The first time I was here for much the same reason that you are. I was out of control, didn’t know myself.”
“And you came here for help?” Willow asked, looking at him with a fresh respect. She’d always looked up to him, but rarely remembered that he had struggled in much the same way that she was. He’d been their authority figure, Buffy’s Watcher and their teacher and guide, and it made it difficult to imagine that he’d once been an addicted teen like her.
His response took a bit longer to come, his hesitation obvious. “I was not as willing as you have been.” A rueful smile appeared on his lips. “I’m afraid many of the ladies here have quite a few memories of me as a willful, disobedient youth.”
“They all seem to like you now,” Willow pointed out with a laugh.
“Ah, well it’s been a long time since those days. I’m a much different man than I was.” Their eyes met and he smiled. “You’ve gotten several phone calls this morning,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Buffy called at five. And Tara has called every hour since. Xander was on the last call as well.”
The redhead sighed, looking over as his hand touched her shoulder. “Giles, I don’t know what to do…”
“You might start with talking to them,” he suggested kindly. “They’re your friends. They care very much for you.” His eyebrows rose. “Care enough to not bother with calculating the time difference,” he reminded her, voice softly teasing. “And I have no doubt that I’ve missed more than one phone call while we’re out here.” Willow looked conflicted and he stopped them to put both hands on her shoulders. “There’s no way to know that the friends you left behind are still your friends until you talk to them, Willow.”
“I don’t even know where to start,” Willow whispered. What was unspoken was clear. She couldn’t expect her life in Sunnydale to wait on her while she struggled on the other side of the globe. She couldn’t expect Tara to wait on her - not with all their problems, the lies and secrets that had ruined them. Green eyes closed and she tried to gather her strength. It would take everything she had to do what she must. “I’ll call home,” she said in surrender. “Thank you, Giles.”
He didn’t follow her inside, seeming to sense that she couldn’t do it with him looking over her shoulder. Her new bedroom was unfamiliar still, but it was better than nothing. The phone barely rang once before it was picked up. “Willow?” Buffy’s voice was hopeful and anxious.
“Have you been answering the phone like that all day?” she asked with a laugh to keep herself from panicking further.
“Thank God it’s you!” Buffy said, relieved. “Tara! She’s on the phone!” she called, raising her voice. “How are you? How’s England?”
“Fine. Everything’s fine,” Willow promised reassuringly.
“So why’d you leave then? Will, you didn’t even say goodbye!” Buffy reminded her, voice stressed.
Willow paused, frowning. “Buffy, are you okay?”
The Slayer looked up from the desk as Tara rushed in. “I’m…you know, I’m worried about you,” she said, stammering suddenly. “Listen, Tara wants to talk to you,” she said, clearly trying to get off the phone.
Before Willow could say anything, the phone had changed hands and Tara’s voice was in her ear. “Willow…”
The redhead’s eyes slammed shut at the sound of her name on Tara’s lips. “Tara.” She didn’t realize that she’d spoken until the blonde was crying softly in her ear. “Please don’t cry,” she pleaded. “I can’t make you cry anymore…” She swallowed hard, gathering her nerves. “Which is why I have something to say…”
“No,” Tara moaned, but Willow wouldn’t let herself be dissuaded.
“I don’t know how long I’m going to be gone,” she started, steeling herself against her lover’s whimper. “Tara, with how bad I messed up, as much as I hurt you… I can’t ask you to wait for me.”
“Willow…”
“No, please, just listen. I love you. I haven’t always shown you like I should have but I will always love you.” She sucked in a shuddery breath, her face feeling hot. “I can’t ask you to wait for me, though, Tara. You deserve…”
“Stop it!” Tara interrupted suddenly. “We talked about this, Willow! You can’t make decisions about our relationship by yourself!” The redhead could hear her tears over the phone, felt her heart clench at the sound. “You can’t run away to England, and not talk to me for three days, and then try and call and break up with me. That’s not how this is going to happen!”
“Did you not leave me?” Willow shot back, cursing herself before it was even out of her mouth. “Tara, I didn’t mean that…it’s stressful here, and I miss you, and I never want to hurt you again. Can you understand? I had to leave. I have to get better.”
“That’s all I ever wanted, Willow,” Tara said softly, still sniffling.
Willow sighed shakily. “I don’t know who I am anymore, Tara,” she whispered. “How can you love me when I don’t even know who that is.”
“I know you,” Tara stated, no trace of a stutter in her voice. “And I love you for who I know that you are.” She hesitated. “Honestly, I haven’t seen her lately, though.”
“Me neither,” Willow admitted. “And I’m scared of the person I am now. I can’t be the person who hurt you anymore. That’s why I had to leave, come here. They think they can help me be better. If I can control it, maybe I can come home.”
Tara smiled helplessly, able to hear her lover’s cautiously hopeful excitement. “You can control it, sweetie,” she said, wiping tears from her face with her free hand. “We all believe in you.”
“Thank you,” Willow gasped, overwhelmingly grateful. “I talked to the coven this morning, though, and they said…baby, it’s going to be a while before…”
“I believe in you, Willow,” Tara interjected. “Me. And I don’t care how long it takes. I just want you to feel better.”
“I don’t want you to wait on me,” Willow said bluntly, forcing herself to say it before she lost her nerve. Tara didn’t speak and she continued, “You deserve so much better than me, Tara. And I’m going to be gone… You should have a life - without me.”
“I don’t want one,” Tara answered promptly. “If you want to break up with me, you can do it to my face, Willow.”
“Don’t be like this,” Willow pleaded. “Tara, I’m trying to do the right thing by you!” She paused, trying to think. “How about this? I won’t be expecting anything when I get home. And if I’m lucky enough that you haven’t found someone else, we can start over. I mean, if you still want me. And if you’ve moved on, then I just have to live with my mistake.”
Tara swallowed hard, knowing that the redhead wouldn’t let this go. “If that’s the best I can get, I’ll take it,” she said finally. “But know that I love you, Willow. If you need some time, though, I’ll give it to you.” Her eyes closed helplessly. “I know you’re going to be going through a lot, so I won’t call again until you want me to. Just, please, you or Giles, one of you please call and let us know how it’s going,” she requested. “And anything that you need from me, you know it’s yours. You know that, right?”
Willow could feel tears sliding down her face, relief and love overwhelming her in a wave. “I know that,” she agreed hoarsely. It wasn’t something she wanted to need, but she knew that Tara was there for her, always would be, and she depended on it. “You’ll always be my friend…” she said lowly, repeating their words from that simultaneously awful and wonderful day when Oz had come back for her and she’d had to choose her love.
“Honey, of course I will,” Tara reaffirmed immediately.
Willow took another shaky breath, feeling her pulse pounding in her temples. “Tara, just…please be careful. The Hellmouth is dangerous and I…I need you to be okay.”
“Buffy’s here,” Tara reminded her. “We’ll be careful.” She paused for a beat. “You take care of yourself, Willow.” There was more she wanted to say, but she forced herself to stay quiet.
“I will. You too.” Willow made herself keep it simple, wanting to let herself beg for forgiveness but forcing it down. She could only pray that Tara would give her a chance to apologize whenever she could look her in the eyes again. “Is Buffy…or-or Xander, could I talk to…”
“Y-yeah, of course,” Tara stammered just as Xander came through the front door. “Xander!” she called. “Willow’s on the p-phone for you,” she said, handing it off to him.
He sat down in her seat at the desk and she started toward the front door only to hesitate at the base of the stairs. She had always known that her standing in the Scooby group stemmed from her relationship with Willow, but in the months after Buffy’s death, she’d grown more assured that the others liked her for who she was and not just who she was dating. Now that Willow was gone, though, she wasn’t sure what to do about her living situation. Willow wasn’t wrong, she’d packed the night Giles had left, but Willow had left as well and run further than she ever would have been able to do herself.
She knew Dawn wanted her to stay, and Revello Drive had become her home in those dark, painful months following the Slayer’s death. Buffy was back now though, so her presence in the house wasn’t strictly needed, especially in the light of Willow’s absence.
Sighing, she started up the stairs, telling herself that she could make one last check of their room and see if there was anything big she’d left behind. The room felt beyond empty, even with all of Willow’s things still in place. Just knowing that she was gone made everything feel less bright, the entire world less colorful. A framed picture on the dresser caught her eye, the two of them dancing close at her birthday party two years before, and she wondered who’d taken it. Even in the still she could see how happy they both were, the peace on Willow’s face and the completion on her own.
Another look around the room didn’t reveal anything obvious that she’d left, but she held onto the picture frame. As she turned to leave, she was surprised by Buffy, the Slayer lingering in the doorway. Her face was pale, eyes red and it was plain that she was beyond exhausted. “Hey,” Tara greeted her softly. “I was just going to g-go…”
“Why?” Buffy asked, still leaning with her shoulder in the doorway, her body blocking the exit. “Will’s not going to be using the room for a while, it sounds like. And Dawn said something about you leaving, I’m assuming that’s why she was in such a bitchy mood this morning…” She sighed heavily, something else beyond her best friend and her Watcher’s departures haunting her blue eyes. “I’d love it if you would stay, Tara.” Buffy looked around the room, still seeing traces of her mother’s presence through the witches’ possessions that filled the room now. “Please…this is your home now too.”
There was clearly something she wasn’t saying, something she couldn’t bring herself to speak aloud. “Willow, I was l-leaving…” Tara stammered. “And s-she…she said she didn’t w-want me to w-wait…”
Buffy nodded, her arms crossing her chest. “Yeah, you guys are having problems, I get that…but she’s not here, and… Dawn loves you guys, both of you. If you both leave, she’s going to hate me for letting you get out the door.” She gave a weak smile. “And you’re my friend, Tara. I don’t want you to go, but I understand if you can’t stay here…”
“Are you okay, Buffy?” Tara asked, concerned by the Slayer’s odd behavior.
The Slayer blinked, nodding. “Yeah,” she said unconvincingly. “Just, you know, Will and Giles are gone…”
The witch could sense that there was more to it, but she didn’t push. “Okay,” she agreed slowly. “You really wouldn’t mind if I stayed?”
“Of course not,” Buffy said immediately. “Mi casa is you casa, or whatever.”
Tara smiled crookedly, relieved. “Thanks Buffy. I guess I’ll get my stuff back from the campus tomorrow after class. And when Willow comes back…”
“We’ll figure it out then, okay?” Buffy interjected. “And thank you, Tara,” she said, voice low and tired. “It’s still…rough being back and I’m not sure I can handle Dawnie if you weren’t around.”
She turned to go, drawn back as Tara cleared her throat. “Willow… I told her I wouldn’t call again, but s-she promised to call and l-let us know how it’s going…” She swallowed, Buffy looking over her shoulder at the witch. “Just, please, tell me how she’s doing? I told her we wouldn’t talk, but I still need to know.”
“Of course,” Buffy agreed.
“And if she ever, if she needs anything, tell me?”
The Slayer nodded. “Sure, Tara.” She hesitated. “You guys can work it out, right? You and Will are the light at the end of my relationship tunnel.”
“What do you mean?” Tara asked, laughing quietly as she curled both arms around herself.
Buffy shrugged, still not facing her. “I mean love on the Hellmouth sucks, sometimes literally in my case, and you guys give me hope.” She smiled and the expression was almost sad. “If it makes a difference, Will’s doing this for you. She’d do anything for you.”
Tara’s head shook from side to side. “I don’t need her to do it for me. I need her to do it for herself.” She looked down shyly, eyes finding her beloved’s face in the picture still in her grip. “If she gets better and decides that she doesn’t want to work this out with me, at least she’s better. That’s what matters.”
“What you want matters too, Tara,” Buffy said, surprising them both with the sudden insight. “And it’s really great of you to be so supportive for Will, but if you want her, don’t let her get away.”
“Thank you, Buffy,” the witch said again, giving her a soft smile as she put the picture frame back down on the dresser. It might not be what either of them had expected from their separation, but she’d be home waiting on her whenever Willow returned. And she was willing to fight to keep her.
[part 2 is here]