HEAVEN OR CALIFORNIA, Ch. 1-2

[lemonlyelit]

If you're going to critique only one post of this novel, please critique this one. If the beginning isn't strong enough to keep people reading, it doesn't matter how good the rest is. :) With that, away we go

Comments

[pokeystar]

Would the very beginning be stronger without the first diary entry - a tad confusing, unless Abbott is your protagonist? I wouldn't cut it entirely, in any event - maybe place it between the first Ian scene & the switch to Heaven? Otherwise, when can I read the next bit/ whole thing?!

[lemonlyelit]

Good idea--the arrangement of the beginning scenes has been plaguing me. Thank you!

I'm also concerned that the Heaven setup is confusing, at least at first. Was there anything there that could be clearer? Or cut, because I was trying to explain too much and the readers already get it? :)

[kalquessa]

I second this. Ian's opening is more magnetic. I want to know what his deal is as soon as we see his reaction to the news of David's death. Abbott's journal entries, while convincing (nice touch with the "wow, death, but also I hate how my skin gets all icky in this heat" that is 100% teenage girl) are not compelling on their own until you know a little more of the situation.

[sparrowinsky]

So far it's fascinating. The end of the first chapter, Tristan's "Stop counting. Numbers go to infinity; it will never end; stop counting, stop, stop, stop." is great.

The thing that's kind of jarring is the journal entries. The rest of it sets up a lovely mood, melancholy and a touch mysterious, but the journal entries break the mood, kind of throw me out of the story.

It's a great start, though. I can't wait to read the next bits. :)

[lemonlyelit]

Thank you--and great thought on the journal entries. Since I have plenty of Abbott scenes in third person like everyone else's, there's no reason I shouldn't convert some (or even all) of the journal entries into third person as well. I would even enjoy it.

Cool. Even if these are the only two bits of feedback I get, I'm already coming away with great revision ideas!

[kalquessa]

This might work out better, though I kinda like the journal entries, myself. They do kinda break up the tone, but you're telling this from several viewpoints, so...*shrug* what would really make them work for me is if this was written with a composite of several different sources: second person narrative, Abbott's journal, newspaper articles, police reports...this is just a random thought, I have no idea if it would be practical, or not, but the last time I read a book written in this fashion (In Conquest Born by C.S. Friedman, if memory serves) I thought the technique was pretty cool.

[lemonlyelit]

Ah--the epistolary novel! I also love that form. Think I first encountered it in a book called Up the Down Staircase, but it's been around a long time. (See also Les Liaisons Dangereuses and many other 18th-century works of scandalous fictional letters back and forth.) :) I imagine I will definitely write such a book someday, though I don't know if I'll add many to this particular one. Still, I can never write a novel without at least a few "documents within the document," such as letters, journals, or articles. Even aside from Abbott's entries, this story does have a couple in store yet...

[wildecate]

I got a bit confused because I didn't know initially who Abbott was. The Pastor really put my teeth on edge which I hope was your point. Abbott's reaction was very accurate. I don't know the ages of these characters, I'm a Brit and Senior, Junior and Sophomore don't mean much to me :-( Curious to read more.

[lemonlyelit]

Sounds like I really ought to do something about those journal entries! Will do.

Heh, yes, the pastor is of the obnoxious in my mind too. Though he means well.

In the American high school scheme (and university too, at least for undergraduates), the order of the four years is: freshman, sophomore, junior, senior; and the ages are roughly 14, 15, 16, 17, respectively, at the start of the school year. We Yanks feel similarly confused when we pick up British books set in schools. "Sixth form? The hell..?" :)

[wildecate]

You get confused? It used to be so easy. 1st year, 2nd year, 3rd year, 4th year, 5th year and 6th form. Which went 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 to 18. Sigh. Now we're all Year 10 and Year 11. God knows how old that is.

[lemonlyelit]

Hmm, I wonder if they're equating it with the U.S. system. In addition to the freshman, etc., names, all the years previous to college/university are numbered. First grade is about age six; twelfth grade is the senior year of high school, so age 17-18. Think Canada is similar, only they say "grade one" instead of "first grade," and so on.

[dirae]

Like someone else said, perhaps rearrange the beginning as not to start with the journal entry. I like the “in medias res" of starting with the Ian Sornak bit beacuse it fools the reader into connecting with him until he is pegged as a villain.

I think the first journal entry is the weakest part thus far because it repeats information that is better explained elsewhere and prolongs the true intro to Abbott.

Coming from a background as a reading teacher, I must say that the “oddness” of Abbott’s last name could be cumbersome… despite telling us how to say it, a number of us will continue to read her name as simply “Abe” (as in Lincoln) and not “Ah-bay”. Her name could prove distracting to a casual reader. (Any significance, btw, in regard to her name- as in an Abbot who is the superior of an ABBEY?)

Potential aplenty, though the most developed of the character so far is Ian with Abbott not far behind.

[lemonlyelit]

Ah, as in "Dear Abby?" Heh. Hadn't even thought of that, but it fits. It does have those religious overtones, which is a general fit in a story featuring angels. But in truth: when we lived in California there was a local anchorwoman named Abbott, and I always thought it was a cute name for a girl--perhaps not something I'd actually name a daughter, but I wanted to give it to a character. As for "Abe," that doesn't matter to me. She can easily become a Matsumoto or even a Jones. :)

Glad to hear the Ian bits are convincing. Funny in a way, since I didn't add them until after the first draft was done. (Or maybe that explains why, since by then I knew everyone better...) In any case, he may be my first real villain, so the territory felt shaky.

Thank you! Good food for thought.

[kalquessa]

I like the “in medias res" of starting with the Ian Sornak bit beacuse it fools the reader into connecting with him until he is pegged as a villain.

Yes. I really liked that we got to see David from his point of view, followed up quickly by Tristan's (very different) perspective on the same character.

[rockstarbob]

There are a lot of characters to keep track of in the first two chapters, and I found myself reeling a bit, wondering who the protagonist is. But maybe you did that on purpose? If not, I wonder if there's a way to slow down, or put off any character introductions until later? It's a lot to keep track of

[lemonlyelit]

Thank you for the comments! Nah, I got nothing up my sleeve with Abbott's last name, so no need to hang onto it. :)

My intuition was also that there are perhaps too many characters in the very beginning. Since you mention it too, I will be thinking of ways to sort that out. Possibly I can put off introducing Michaela and Tristan's parents (by name anyway), for instance, until a bit later. Hmm...