Myshuno fic: Empty Victory
Title: Empty Victory
Word count: 842
Prompt: Arguing over whose lift is the most useless and therefore better
Universe: Bass-Ackwards Apocalypse
The afterlife seriously sucked, Wally West Doran thought while floating morosely around the Death Island. Nothing to do, no couches to jump on, no pajamas to change into, no bottles to juggle. Just floating and arguing.
Oh dear sweet heartless creator, the arguing. It never stopped. Howard and Elton argued over who was better looking, who had the prettiest wife, who had the best looking kid, etc. It was safe to say that those two hated each other. Not that Emma and Jean were any better. They argued about which woman dated the best looking girl. But it got out of hand when they started bickering over who had the most useless lift of the Apocalypse.
"Mine was worse!" Jean shouted. "So we don't need 10 body points to leave the lot. Big deal! We couldn't leave anyway. And being able to call the fire department or police. Please! Useless! All we ever ate was moldy chef salad and Daddy meditated all the time so the burglar was scared of showing up."
"Pfft!" Emma snorted. "You wish. Your lift, at least, made it possible for the emergency services to be called. By the time I lifted Athletic, it wasn't needed. We had a new house so what did I accomplish? Nothing of importance. So we could move the bed, toddler blanket, the piano, and a painting into the new house. Big whoop. We had more money than the Creator we could have bought a hundred of those things and still had money left over."
Killian looked over at Kori and muttered, "I don't know, I thought my lift was pretty pointless. I mean everyone was mercilessly killed by the creator anyway when and where she chose."
Kori shrugged. "I'm out of this. I know my lift was important. Being able to miss work... Priceless. Especially for a working mom."
"My lift was important too," Barbara chimed. "Two words necessary. Career rewards."
"I'm also out," Shayera interjected. "Being able to build outside a 8x8 box? Kinda useful."
Christy and Xavier looked at each other. "Ours weren't terribly strong but they worked," Christy said after a few moments.
"But admit it, love, yours was better than mine," Xavier said.
She smiled. "True," she admitted. Then turned back to the bickering family members. "We're out, too."
Emma smirked at Jean and asked. "Okay who's left?"
Jean surveyed the group. "We haven't heard from either of the Eye Candies."
"I thought you were gay," Emma said. "And can I say 'ew' that you find my Dad eye candyish. But you've got a point... They haven't said anything."
"That's because beta version here knows that I have the most useless lift possible," Elton sneered from near his tombstone. " Criminal is pointless and actually causes problems if lifted too early. So I clearly win this contest."
Emma and Jean looked at each other and then shrugged. "You're right. Criminal was definitely more useless than either Athletic or Law Enforcement," Emma conceded.
"Of course I am. Now if could only assure that ghosts could procreate then I would woohoo with my lovely young, nubile, wife to celebrate my win."
Howard glared at Elton but didn't say anything.
Unable to take his niece's abusive husband's attitude any more, Wally finally spoke up. "You aren't the winner, Elton."
"I beg your pardon."
"You're not the winner, " Wally repeated.
"Oh, and who pray tell is," Elton inquired condescendingly.
Wally sighed and said, "I am."
"How so?"
"I lifted Law. The lift that doesn't do anything but give access to other lifts. At least with your lift we didn't have to pay the mob anymore and we could now have more than one craftable item on the lot. With my lift, we didn't get anything. No benefits. Nothing. And as the fifth lift of the apocalypse it was very weak. Your lift was better than mine."
"I do not agree."
"Fine. I put it to a poll. A show of hands would work. Everyone who thinks Elton's lift of Criminal was the most useless lift?"
No one other than 2.0 raised his hand. "Kori!" he hissed. "Put your hand up."
"No, Elton. Wally's lift was worse."
"You will pay for this later."
Kori smiled sadly. "What more can you do to me? I'm already dead, in a loveless marriage, and was forced to watch my children die. Do your worst, you always do."
Elton glared at her and stalked away angrily muttering under his breath.
Wally ignored him and instead asked, "Everyone who thinks Law was the most useless lift, raise your hands."
A forest of hands sprung up.
With a smile, Wally counted them. "I think that is everyone to your one, Elton. I win."
"Congratulations, enjoy your empty victory."
"At least it's a victory you didn't win. And that's enough for me." He paused and looked around the Death Spot. "Do you think I could jump on the sauna benches?" he asked no one in particular.
Kori laughed. "I've missed you Uncle Wally."
"I've missed me too," he replied.
Word count: 842
Prompt: Arguing over whose lift is the most useless and therefore better
Universe: Bass-Ackwards Apocalypse
The afterlife seriously sucked, Wally West Doran thought while floating morosely around the Death Island. Nothing to do, no couches to jump on, no pajamas to change into, no bottles to juggle. Just floating and arguing.
Oh dear sweet heartless creator, the arguing. It never stopped. Howard and Elton argued over who was better looking, who had the prettiest wife, who had the best looking kid, etc. It was safe to say that those two hated each other. Not that Emma and Jean were any better. They argued about which woman dated the best looking girl. But it got out of hand when they started bickering over who had the most useless lift of the Apocalypse.
"Mine was worse!" Jean shouted. "So we don't need 10 body points to leave the lot. Big deal! We couldn't leave anyway. And being able to call the fire department or police. Please! Useless! All we ever ate was moldy chef salad and Daddy meditated all the time so the burglar was scared of showing up."
"Pfft!" Emma snorted. "You wish. Your lift, at least, made it possible for the emergency services to be called. By the time I lifted Athletic, it wasn't needed. We had a new house so what did I accomplish? Nothing of importance. So we could move the bed, toddler blanket, the piano, and a painting into the new house. Big whoop. We had more money than the Creator we could have bought a hundred of those things and still had money left over."
Killian looked over at Kori and muttered, "I don't know, I thought my lift was pretty pointless. I mean everyone was mercilessly killed by the creator anyway when and where she chose."
Kori shrugged. "I'm out of this. I know my lift was important. Being able to miss work... Priceless. Especially for a working mom."
"My lift was important too," Barbara chimed. "Two words necessary. Career rewards."
"I'm also out," Shayera interjected. "Being able to build outside a 8x8 box? Kinda useful."
Christy and Xavier looked at each other. "Ours weren't terribly strong but they worked," Christy said after a few moments.
"But admit it, love, yours was better than mine," Xavier said.
She smiled. "True," she admitted. Then turned back to the bickering family members. "We're out, too."
Emma smirked at Jean and asked. "Okay who's left?"
Jean surveyed the group. "We haven't heard from either of the Eye Candies."
"I thought you were gay," Emma said. "And can I say 'ew' that you find my Dad eye candyish. But you've got a point... They haven't said anything."
"That's because beta version here knows that I have the most useless lift possible," Elton sneered from near his tombstone. " Criminal is pointless and actually causes problems if lifted too early. So I clearly win this contest."
Emma and Jean looked at each other and then shrugged. "You're right. Criminal was definitely more useless than either Athletic or Law Enforcement," Emma conceded.
"Of course I am. Now if could only assure that ghosts could procreate then I would woohoo with my lovely young, nubile, wife to celebrate my win."
Howard glared at Elton but didn't say anything.
Unable to take his niece's abusive husband's attitude any more, Wally finally spoke up. "You aren't the winner, Elton."
"I beg your pardon."
"You're not the winner, " Wally repeated.
"Oh, and who pray tell is," Elton inquired condescendingly.
Wally sighed and said, "I am."
"How so?"
"I lifted Law. The lift that doesn't do anything but give access to other lifts. At least with your lift we didn't have to pay the mob anymore and we could now have more than one craftable item on the lot. With my lift, we didn't get anything. No benefits. Nothing. And as the fifth lift of the apocalypse it was very weak. Your lift was better than mine."
"I do not agree."
"Fine. I put it to a poll. A show of hands would work. Everyone who thinks Elton's lift of Criminal was the most useless lift?"
No one other than 2.0 raised his hand. "Kori!" he hissed. "Put your hand up."
"No, Elton. Wally's lift was worse."
"You will pay for this later."
Kori smiled sadly. "What more can you do to me? I'm already dead, in a loveless marriage, and was forced to watch my children die. Do your worst, you always do."
Elton glared at her and stalked away angrily muttering under his breath.
Wally ignored him and instead asked, "Everyone who thinks Law was the most useless lift, raise your hands."
A forest of hands sprung up.
With a smile, Wally counted them. "I think that is everyone to your one, Elton. I win."
"Congratulations, enjoy your empty victory."
"At least it's a victory you didn't win. And that's enough for me." He paused and looked around the Death Spot. "Do you think I could jump on the sauna benches?" he asked no one in particular.
Kori laughed. "I've missed you Uncle Wally."
"I've missed me too," he replied.