Fic: What's in His Words
Title: What's in His Words
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: S1 (post 115)
Summary: Justin overhears something that makes him wonder if it's worth it to stick around Brian.
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Minor angst.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, they belong to Cowlip.
Beta: nomeci
Feedback: Please let me know what you think!
It was an ordinary Friday night at Woody's. Of course, a few months ago you wouldn't have considered this the least bit ordinary. Back then you'd have gone to the movies with Daphne or stayed at home playing Tomb Raider.
Now you didn't even live at home anymore.
Sometimes you wondered if you'd have gone to Liberty Avenue that night if you had known how much your life would change after that. Even though you couldn't go home because your father couldn't tolerate your 'disgusting lifestyle'; you had to suffer at school from Chris Hobbs and the other homophobic pricks; and you had to put up with Brian's bullshit in case you wanted to be with him, you were 100% sure that you hadn't made a mistake by coming out of the closet.
They say that every cloud has a silver lining and nobody knew better than you how true it was. You didn't have a father anymore but you had your mother and sister who still loved you unconditionally. On top of that you had Debbie and Vic as your surrogate mother and father for whom you would be always grateful as long as you live.
School was a living hell and you were looking forward to the day when it would be all over but since you had been harassed at school, your friendship with Daphne became stronger because she didn't have much more friends besides you either, so you were always there for each other.
Then there was Brian; what you had with him wasn't like what you had imagined it would be once you began seeing someone. You had thought that you would meet a boy like you on the mysterious streets of Liberty Avenue and then you would be always together. You had been wrong.
Brian was complicated; he didn't do relationships, he didn't do boyfriends and he didn't do love. When you had gathered your courage and gone back to his place the second time, your whole world had come crushing down after his little speech in front of his building. You had been crying the whole time you driven home and you had been sure that you would never see him again. Later, when you had talked with Daphne and she told you about her plan how to make Brian jealous, you had realized that she had been right; if you wanted to be with Brian you had to be persistent and stop moping around.
Somehow you had done the impossible and wormed yourself into his life. Even though there were times when he still acted like an asshole, you knew that he cared about you; you could tell from the way he pretended to be annoyed with your babblings but he laughed at all the right places; the way he possessively put his arm around your shoulders when guys were cruising you at Woody's; the way he set his alarm half an hour earlier when you spent the night at his place so he could drive you to school.
Tonight wasn't your lucky night, though. When you arrived at Woody's the guys were already there; Michael and Ted acknowledged you with a nod, Emmett hugged you and kissed your cheek and Brian just smirked at you but it was enough for your heart to start to beat a little faster. They were playing pool and you stood close and watched them while you nursed your beer. Emmett and Ted were loosing in a row even though Brian was playing only half heartedly because he was too busy checking out a tall brunet who had been giving him the eye for a while.
Sometimes it was fun watching him pick up his tricks because it always amazed you how effortlessly he could have anyone he wanted in the blink of an eye; other times your heart broke into a million pieces when you watched him leave with someone else.
It seemed like that tonight you weren't the one he wanted because after a while he put his cue stick into your hand and with one glance towards the trick he was off to the men's room with the guy in tow. You just stood there staring after him and you were angry with yourself because after all this time a part of you still felt disappointed.
The guys looked at you expectantly when they realized that you still hadn't moved to join the game but it was like you were drawn by an invisible force towards the direction Brian had disappeared and your legs started to move on their own. You put down the cue stick on the table and slowly made your way towards the men's room, ignoring Emmett's voice when he called after you. You didn't know why but you needed to be there.
When you walked inside you could easily guess where they were because only one door was closed and the unmistakable sounds of sex filled the air. You stood by the sink, just a few feet away from the stalls because there wasn't much room and you listened. You knew that Brian was fucking the guy because he was kind of quiet, just taking his breath a little faster than normally. You had first hand experience that when he was fucking someone he wasn't making much noise but when he was given a blowjob or at least when you gave him a blowjob he was louder than usual.
The trick on the other hand was very vocal; telling Brian how good it was and encouraging him to go faster, harder.
It was strange standing there and listening to them fuck; you had had threesomes with Brian a few times before but this was different because he didn't know that you were there.
You realized that you hadn't been really thinking when you followed them because now you weren't sure what you wanted to do. How much longer should you stay? Should you let Brian see you after they were finished?
You were kind of lost in thought when the trick started to speak again; you would have laughed at the absurdity of the situation if he had said something other than what he did.
"Who's that" *thrust* "blond guy" *thrust* "you're always" *thrust* "with?"
Your heart skipped a beat and at first you weren't sure that you had heard him correctly but you knew that you hadn't drunk that much tonight to imagine things, so you anxiously waited for Brian's answer.
Brian laughed in a strange, high pitched voice and you realized that he had already had a few drinks before you came here tonight; but he wasn't drunk enough not to be able to answer a question. "He's no one."
Your heart started to beat so loudly in your ears that you barely heard the trick's next question.
"Then why" *thrust* "are you" *thrust* "with him?"
Brian sped up his thrusts and the trick started moaning louder. "He has" *thrust* "a great" *thrust* "ass. Now" *thrust* "shut up!"
You suddenly had enough of this and you stumbled out of the men's room. As the door shut behind you, the sudden noise and smoke made you dizzy for a moment but then you immediately made a beeline for the exit. You saw Emmett's worried face and Michael and Ted's curious glances out of the corner of your eye but right now you didn't want to deal with them; you just wanted to get out of there.
You had a million thoughts racing through your mind and you ran straight into some guys who were just coming through the door.
"Hey! Watch it!" one of them complained loudly.
"Sorry," you mumbled under your breath, not bothering to look up as you continued on your way.
Being a Friday night, Liberty Avenue was crowded; when you started running towards the bus stop like someone was chasing after you, you drew a few people's attention to yourself but you ignored them and kept running.
When you reached the bus stop you heaved a few deep breaths and thought that by now Brian had probably ditched his trick and noticed that you weren't there. Somehow you doubted that he would make a big deal out of it.
Fortunately you didn't have to wait long for the bus and before you knew it, you were home. Debbie was working late at the diner and Vic was watching TV. He didn't ask you why you were home so early so after saying hello, you ran up the stairs to your room. You quickly stripped down to your briefs and crawled into bed under the covers.
You weren't crying like some little faggot but you still felt stupid. You knew that it was just sex between the two of you; Brian himself told you once that he wasn' t your lover or boyfriend, not even your friend. But deep down inside, you always hoped that it would change one day; that he would change.
The reason you were upset was not because he ditched you tonight for another; you had accepted it a long time ago that tricking was second nature to Brian and he probably wouldn't change that for anyone - especially not for you; a seventeen year old twink. So you were okay with it; most of the time, anyway.
You always thought or at least hoped that he kept you around not just because of the sex; there had to be something more. You highly doubted that you were the first one in all these years with whom he enjoyed the sex this much.
You had thought you were special because you could see beyond his bullshit and you could read between the lines; now you weren't so sure because you had no idea what Brian's words meant tonight.
You had promised yourself a long time ago that no matter how hard he tried to push you away, you would make him love you or at least acknowledge you as a part of his life. When you learned tonight that all these month's hard work had been for nothing, you didn't know what else to do, so just you left.
It hurt to know that he still thought about you the same way like at the beginning; just a fuck. You knew that it was hard for him to express his feelings and it was nobody's business what you meant to him, but you felt betrayed, like he had denied all those moments that you had spent together; which would always have a special place in your heart.
A little voice inside your head kept telling you that he had been drunk and he hadn't known what he was saying but you also knew that drunk people rarely lied.
After a while you fell asleep; the last thought on your mind was that Brian Kinney was an asshole and you never wanted to see him again.
When you woke up the next morning the previous night's events came rushing back to your mind and your first thought was that Brian Kinney was an asshole and you never wanted to see him again.
Fortunately you didn't have to work at the diner that weekend where you would have to face him and you decided that you wouldn't go to Woody's or Babylon either; you couldn't face him yet. You stayed late in bed until Debbie yelled from downstairs that it was time to get up. After breakfast you were moping around in your room and you were bored out of your mind. After a while you started sketching, concentrating hard not to draw him but after the fifth time one of his body parts started to appear on the paper, you gave up and went over to Daphne's.
She noticed that you weren't talking and smiling like usual and she tried to find out what was up but when she realized that you weren't going to tell her the truth, she let you off the hook with some lame excuses like you were just tired. In the end you had a great time and as always when you were down, she managed to cheer you up. By the time dinner time rolled around and you had to hurry home if you didn't want Debbie to have your balls, you were able to laugh like you meant it.
Later, when Debbie asked you why you weren't going to Babylon, you told her that you didn't feel like it. Instead you watched her favorite TV show with her; you sat beside her on the couch while Vic was snoring quietly in an armchair. You stared at the TV screen but your mind was somewhere else.
Sunday morning you helped around the house and did your homework in the afternoon. Just as you finally forgot about Brian, suddenly you remembered that it was Sunday; which meant Debbie's family gatherings, which meant that you would have to see Brian. You realized that living with Debbie certainly had its disadvantages.
Everyone started to arrive one by one around seven; first Michael, shortly after Mel and Linds with Gus, then Emmett and Ted. Emmett casually asked you if you were okay but you could see the concern in his eyes. You wondered not for the first time what it would have been like if you had hooked up with a guy like him that night. Your life would be so much easier; but then again, maybe it wouldn't.
It was one of those rare occasions when Brian wasn't late and you were standing by the kitchen counter when he arrived. After he greeted everyone in his own way, he came up to you and kissed you. You resisted at first but then you let him because he was more gorgeous than the last time you saw him and he smelled so good. Then you remembered that you hated him so you pushed him away. When you tried to walk past him, he gently grabbed your arm and whispered in your ear in a low voice,
"Why did you leave so early the other night?" his hot breath washed over the side of your face. "I wanted to take you home."
You broke free from his grasp and hissed in his face in a quiet voice, "My ass isn't available for you 24/7."
For a moment you thought you saw hurt flicker in his eyes but then he just looked confused. You finally walked away and sat down at the table; you looked around but surprisingly nobody was paying attention to the two of you because everybody was getting ready to take their places around the table. Brian came over too but he didn't sit beside you. Then Debbie started serving the food and conversation began.
You glanced at him a few times during the meal and he was watching you with an unreadable expression on his face. After a while you just stared at your plate while you chewed on your food; even though it was one of your favorites, you weren't hungry. Nobody noticed the tension between you or even if they did, they didn't say anything.
When he left he didn't even bother to ask you whether you wanted to go with him or not.
On Monday morning you had an early shift before school so you met him again. You forced out a smile when you went to take his order and he smiled back. He offered to drop you off at school but you declined, saying that you would take the bus. He bit his lip and nodded but didn't say anything; that unreadable expression returned to his face.
The day went by like a blur. The only thing on your mind was him; you were torn between being hurt remembering his words from that fateful night and missing him because it had been days since you had sex with him.
It was getting dark outside and you were lying on your bed with one of your books in your hands. You were trying to study but you had been on the same page for the last half an hour, doodling on the margins. Suddenly you heard the front door open and close, then you heard voices coming from downstairs; it was him. You set up straight on your bed when you heard him jogging up the stairs. He knocked softly then he stuck his head in the door.
"Hey. Can I come in?" he asked half way through the door.
"Sure."
He closed the door behind him and sat down beside you on the bed.
"What's up with you?" he asked after a moment of silence.
"What do you mean?" you asked slowly.
"Well, I know it sounds strange coming out of my mouth, but I feel like you've been avoiding me." When you started to say something he held up his hand, "And even though you were right yesterday night, I have to admit that you surprised me with what you said."
You blushed. "Sorry if I was harsh."
"No problem, I can take it," he put his tongue in his cheek and you smiled despite yourself. Then his voice became serious. "Is something bothering you? Is this about school?"
"No," you said quietly.
He waited. "Then what?"
"I'd rather not talk about it right now."
He looked at you for a moment, searching your eyes. "Okay." Then he leant forward and kissed you; it was quick, his lips barely touched yours before he pulled back but he stayed close afterwards. "I want to fuck you tonight."
As always, you felt a shiver ran down your spine hearing him say that. You wanted to say no and wanted to stay angry with him but this was the Brian you loved so much; a caring man who came to see what was the matter with you because, even though he wouldn't admit it, he had been worried about you while he could have been at Woody's or Babylon getting his dick sucked. It seemed like that he would get it from you too eventually but with any other trick he wouldn't have to speak this much before it.
"Here?" you heard yourself ask.
He chuckled quietly. "I'm sure Debbie would appreciate it. No, you twat. At my place. And you can spend the night."
Those were the magic words and like so many times before, they worked now as well.
"Okay," you said.
You grabbed your duffle bag which was always ready to go by the foot of your bed, then you took out your school uniform from the closet while he went down to the kitchen to talk with Vic. Debbie was working late again; otherwise you would have to listen to one of her speeches how much she didn't like it when you were fucking all night long on a school night. Sometimes she really was your mother.
On the way to the loft neither of you said anything. You kept looking out of the window watching the street lights passing by but you could see out of the corner of your eye that he looked at you now and then. You knew that he wouldn't let you off the hook until you told him everything.
When you arrived at his place talking was the last thing on his mind though. The moment the door slid shut behind you, he was all over you. He pulled you flush against his body and kissed you with abandon. You wanted to protest because you could still hear in your head the words he said to that trick about you but with his tongue deep down your throat, you forgot about everyone and everything. You could concentrate only on his taste in your mouth, his unique scent that made you light headed and his strong arms around your waist.
Somehow you made it to the bedroom without tripping over each others feet. He pulled his shirt over his head then helped you with yours. He sucked on your neck while you tried to get inside his jeans with trembling hands. He wasn't wearing any underwear and his pubes tickled when you slid your hand inside. He was already hard and you both moaned when you wrapped your fingers around his cock. You started stroking him while you pushed his jeans down around his ankles and fondled his balls. He loved this and he threw his head back, exposing his neck; you took the opportunity to nip on his collarbone.
He let you for a while then he took your hands away his cock and pushed you down on the bed. He pulled your pants and underwear off before you had time to blink twice. He towered above you and you were mesmerized again by his beauty. The blue lights illuminated his tall and lean body and you slowly looked him up and down; your eyes traveled over his strong muscular legs; his hard cock standing up against his flat stomach; his toned chest and broad shoulders; his long, elegant neck and his full red lips. Your breath caught in your throat when your eyes met with his and you realized that the only sound can be heard in the loft was your breathing.
He lowered himself on top of you and placed open mouthed kisses on your chest. When he reached one of your nipples he licked it, then took your nipple ring between his teeth and gently tugged on it. You closed your eyes and moaned in pleasure while he licked it again a few times. Then he moved to your other nipple and closed his lips around it. He sucked it into a hard bud before he bit down on it gently. You arched your back, your chest following his mouth. You opened your eyes to see that he was smirking at you so you put your hands on the back of his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. He kissed you hard for a long time, exploring every crevice of your mouth. Then without breaking apart, he rolled around until you were on top of him. He pulled back long enough to put his mouth by your ear and licked the lobe.
"Suck me off," he said in a husky voice, his hot breath tickling your ear.
You were happy to oblige because you loved having him in your mouth, loved everything about it; the way it filled your mouth when you took him all the way in; the way his dick was throbbing and hardening on your tongue. You had had a few dicks down your throat by now but it was never like this with anyone else. You couldn't imagine the day when you would get tired of his taste or smell because it was intoxicating. You loved the sounds he made while you sucked him. You knew that he wasn't the screaming type in bed, so you felt thrilled every time a gasp or a moan escaped his lips. You remembered that time once you had really gotten into it; you had done every trick you knew he loved over and over again, taking him to the edge but always stopping at the last minute. In the end he had been writhing under you and begging you to finish him off. After that you had been ridiculously proud of yourself for days.
You settled between his legs and started to work your magic on him. First you licked just the tip all over until it was glistening with your saliva and he was thrusting his hips to your face, demanding for more. You gave in but you were still the one in charge.
You took the tip in your mouth and swirled your tongue around it while your hand slowly stroked his hard shaft. When he was getting desperate, you bobbed your head up and down a few times on his cock before you took all of him; until his cock hit the back of your throat. You swallowed around the head and he moaned low in his throat; one of his hands flew up to your hair and the other gripped your shoulder, his fingers digging into your flesh. You knew that he would leave marks which you would probably still be able to see tomorrow but you didn't care.
After a while your mouth abandoned his cock, replaced by your hand. You leisurely began to stroke him while you moved down to his balls. You lapped at the smooth skin then you took first one, then the other in your mouth, gently rolling them around with your tongue.
You couldn't resist the temptation so you moved lower until you reached his hole; it had been a forbidden territory for you but sometimes he let you play with it.
You knew that you were a bottom; you liked to take it up the ass since that first night. But there were times like this when he was lying in front of you naked, his skin glistening with sweat, his face flushed, his legs open; wanton and vulnerable that you wished that you were a top because you wanted to fuck him so bad it almost hurt.
You licked tiny circles around his hole and you tried to push your tongue inside for a few times but he was tense and didn't let you in. You desperately wanted to taste him so you played dirty and used one of the tricks you knew always drove him crazy; you brushed your thumb back and forth across his slit and sure enough he relaxed a little and you immediately pushed your tongue inside.
"Justin," he warned you but you noticed that his thighs fell open a little wider so you continued.
He probably was in a good mood because he let you play with him a little longer than usual. Then his grip tightened on your hair and he tugged a little, trying to pull you up.
"Justin," his voice was hoarse" I need to come in your mouth."
You quickly moved back to his cock and started to suck him vigorously. You moved your hand between your legs to get yourself off in time with him. You had become hard without touching yourself; at the beginning it had been embarrassing that you were so easy but then Brian had told you that he liked it that you were always horny. Then you had noticed that it made him horny when you were horny; so it was okay after all.
You came first; your cum covered your hand then you felt his cock tense and he filled your mouth with his salty cum which you eagerly swallowed drop by drop. You kept his cock in your mouth as the aftershocks ran through his body.
When he was done, he pulled you up by your shoulders and kissed you deeply. He moaned as he tasted himself on your tongue and his tongue hungrily danced in your mouth.
After you broke apart, you lay beside him. He gave you a tissue from the nightstand to clean your hands and you lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as it slowly returned to normal.
He lit up a cigarette and waved his fingers through your hair.
"You know," he inhaled then blew out the smoke" you're very good at this."
"Yeah, I am."
He chuckled softly above your head. "And modest too."
Neither of you said anything for a long time while he smoked; you traced little patterns on his chest with the tip of your fingers and just enjoyed this rare moment when it was just the two of you. No Mikey and the others at Woody's; no thumpa-thumpa at Babylon; and no tricks cruising him everywhere he went. Just the two of you and the quiet loft. You wished not for the first time that you would be able to freeze the moment because at times like this, you felt like he was yours. But you knew that it was only an illusion; his words the other night at Woody's just confirmed it.
After a while he put out his cigarette in the ashtray then playfully slapped your ass. "Get up. I need to take a piss."
As he disappeared in the bathroom you padded across the loft to the kitchen. You took out a bottle of water from the refrigerator and stood at the counter while you took a few sips.
You heard him flush the toilet then he came out to the kitchen too. You couldn't take your eyes off him as he walked towards you. When your eyes met his, he smiled at you because he knew that you couldn't resist him when he was naked; or in his clothes for that matter.
He stood very close behind you, wrapped his arms around your waist and put his mouth to your ear. "Are you ready to tell me what's up with you, little boy?"
You put your hands on his and smiled. "No."
"Hmm, I see," he kissed the spot behind your ear that always drove you crazy and your cock twitched. "Then tell me why you'd take off so early on Friday night."
"I didn't know you had plans with me," you began. "You'd barely said to me two words."
"Christ," he dropped his hands and walked to the other side of the counter. "I told you; we are not a bunch of lesbians, we are not a couple-"
"I know," you suddenly screamed at him surprising the both of you.
He looked at you so intently that you had to look away. You studied the countertop as you spoke again; in a normal voice this time.
"I know. I know that I'm nothing to you and you just keep me around because you like my ass."
He didn't say anything and when you looked up he had that unreadable expression on his face again. You walked past him and headed towards the bedroom.
As you sat down on the bed he appeared at the bottom of the stairs.
"Well," he began, "you do have a nice ass and I do like it." His tone was light and he tried to make you smile but this time he failed. He sighed and sat down on the bed; not too close but not too far either.
"Justin,"
"I heard you," you interrupted him, looking straight into his eyes.
He didn't know what you were talking about. "You heard what?"
"The other night at Woody's you said the same things to your trick; that I'm nothing to you and you just like my ass."
"Jesus, I barely remember anything from that night, let alone him. I was high as a kite."
"Well, I can remember. I was there."
He laughed. "What? You followed me to the men's room?"
"I've never been so humiliated in my life, Brian. I felt like a piece of meat."
A single tear escaped from one of your eyes and he brushed it away with his hand then he started caressing your cheek. His voice was gentle when he spoke again.
"Justin, you're not a piece of meat and you shouldn't believe in every word you hear; especially not when a drunk or a high person says them."
"But it's true, isn't it? Why else would you say it?"
He dropped his hand and your heart sank.
He looked at you frustrated. "How.. how can you expect me to define to a complete stranger what you mean to me when I still haven't figured it out for myself?"
"But you said-"
"Justin," he said in a firm voice. "You saw me that night; I was high and didn't know what I was saying."
You moved closer to him on the bed and touched his arm. "Please, Brian, tell me what am I to you. Am I just your fuck buddy? Because sometimes I feel like there is more to us than that."
He shrugged off your hand and looked at you with cold eyes. "There isn't an 'us'."
You touched his arm again. "Brian, please," you whispered.
He ran his hand through his hair. "Christ. You know I don't do this heart to heart shit."
You looked at him for a minute then you lay down on the bed, facing away from him. A lump formed in your throat but you swallowed hard a few times until it went away.
You felt bare and vulnerable; literally because you were naked and emotionally because you showed him your true feelings which he couldn't or wouldn't want to return.
For a few minutes nothing happened; you thought that he was going to tell you any minute to get dressed and go home so he could go to Babylon or just be alone. Then you felt the bed dip as he lay behind you; he put his hand on your shoulder and you stopped shivering.
"Justin,"
You turned around and snuggled as close to his body as you could, burying your face in his chest. His hand slid down to your back and he gently caressed it while he spoke.
"Do you really think that if you would mean nothing to me I would bring you back to my place several times a week when I have a no repeat policy?"
You shook your head a little and whispered against his chest, "No."
"That I would have taken you in after your father kicked you out on the street and you had nowhere to go?"
You shook your head again.
"That I would have gone after you when you ran away to New York with my credit card and then brought you back to live at Debbie's?"
You shook your head and smiled at the memory.
"And most of all, do you really think that I would have left Gus alone with you for hours when I went to the Leather Ball if you were nothing to me?"
You raised your head off his chest so you could look into his eyes. His words started to make you feel better and you smiled. "No."
"You," he stopped for a moment, obviously searching for the right words. "You're more than just a fuck buddy but I... I just don't know what you are yet."
He looked so miserable that you lifted your head and kissed him on his chin. You smiled again when you lay back on the pillow. "Thank you. It's enough for now."
He chuckled softly. "I knew that you would want more."
He sat up and covered the both of you with the duvet. When he lay down again you settled back into his arms and he pulled you close against his body.
Your eyes were heavy with sleep but the sudden realization that you were going to sleep this way made you wide awake. Even though you had slept many times in his bed by now, it had been always obvious that he slept on that side of the bed that was closer to the closet and you on the other; an invisible line separating the two of you. He usually slept facing away from you and seemed to need his own space even asleep. You respected this and resisted the urge to wrap yourself around him; of course this didn't mean that you didn't lie as close to him as possible without actually touching. Sometimes when he fell asleep before you, you moved really close to him and rested your forehead against his shoulder blades.
So, tonight when it seemed like that you were going to sleep face to face with his arms around you, you tried to stay awake a little while longer to enjoy this rare occasion. He must have sensed your restlessness because he kissed your forehead and murmured against your hair,
"Sleep now, twat."
And you did.
~the end~
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: S1 (post 115)
Summary: Justin overhears something that makes him wonder if it's worth it to stick around Brian.
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Minor angst.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, they belong to Cowlip.
Beta: nomeci
Feedback: Please let me know what you think!
It was an ordinary Friday night at Woody's. Of course, a few months ago you wouldn't have considered this the least bit ordinary. Back then you'd have gone to the movies with Daphne or stayed at home playing Tomb Raider.
Now you didn't even live at home anymore.
Sometimes you wondered if you'd have gone to Liberty Avenue that night if you had known how much your life would change after that. Even though you couldn't go home because your father couldn't tolerate your 'disgusting lifestyle'; you had to suffer at school from Chris Hobbs and the other homophobic pricks; and you had to put up with Brian's bullshit in case you wanted to be with him, you were 100% sure that you hadn't made a mistake by coming out of the closet.
They say that every cloud has a silver lining and nobody knew better than you how true it was. You didn't have a father anymore but you had your mother and sister who still loved you unconditionally. On top of that you had Debbie and Vic as your surrogate mother and father for whom you would be always grateful as long as you live.
School was a living hell and you were looking forward to the day when it would be all over but since you had been harassed at school, your friendship with Daphne became stronger because she didn't have much more friends besides you either, so you were always there for each other.
Then there was Brian; what you had with him wasn't like what you had imagined it would be once you began seeing someone. You had thought that you would meet a boy like you on the mysterious streets of Liberty Avenue and then you would be always together. You had been wrong.
Brian was complicated; he didn't do relationships, he didn't do boyfriends and he didn't do love. When you had gathered your courage and gone back to his place the second time, your whole world had come crushing down after his little speech in front of his building. You had been crying the whole time you driven home and you had been sure that you would never see him again. Later, when you had talked with Daphne and she told you about her plan how to make Brian jealous, you had realized that she had been right; if you wanted to be with Brian you had to be persistent and stop moping around.
Somehow you had done the impossible and wormed yourself into his life. Even though there were times when he still acted like an asshole, you knew that he cared about you; you could tell from the way he pretended to be annoyed with your babblings but he laughed at all the right places; the way he possessively put his arm around your shoulders when guys were cruising you at Woody's; the way he set his alarm half an hour earlier when you spent the night at his place so he could drive you to school.
Tonight wasn't your lucky night, though. When you arrived at Woody's the guys were already there; Michael and Ted acknowledged you with a nod, Emmett hugged you and kissed your cheek and Brian just smirked at you but it was enough for your heart to start to beat a little faster. They were playing pool and you stood close and watched them while you nursed your beer. Emmett and Ted were loosing in a row even though Brian was playing only half heartedly because he was too busy checking out a tall brunet who had been giving him the eye for a while.
Sometimes it was fun watching him pick up his tricks because it always amazed you how effortlessly he could have anyone he wanted in the blink of an eye; other times your heart broke into a million pieces when you watched him leave with someone else.
It seemed like that tonight you weren't the one he wanted because after a while he put his cue stick into your hand and with one glance towards the trick he was off to the men's room with the guy in tow. You just stood there staring after him and you were angry with yourself because after all this time a part of you still felt disappointed.
The guys looked at you expectantly when they realized that you still hadn't moved to join the game but it was like you were drawn by an invisible force towards the direction Brian had disappeared and your legs started to move on their own. You put down the cue stick on the table and slowly made your way towards the men's room, ignoring Emmett's voice when he called after you. You didn't know why but you needed to be there.
When you walked inside you could easily guess where they were because only one door was closed and the unmistakable sounds of sex filled the air. You stood by the sink, just a few feet away from the stalls because there wasn't much room and you listened. You knew that Brian was fucking the guy because he was kind of quiet, just taking his breath a little faster than normally. You had first hand experience that when he was fucking someone he wasn't making much noise but when he was given a blowjob or at least when you gave him a blowjob he was louder than usual.
The trick on the other hand was very vocal; telling Brian how good it was and encouraging him to go faster, harder.
It was strange standing there and listening to them fuck; you had had threesomes with Brian a few times before but this was different because he didn't know that you were there.
You realized that you hadn't been really thinking when you followed them because now you weren't sure what you wanted to do. How much longer should you stay? Should you let Brian see you after they were finished?
You were kind of lost in thought when the trick started to speak again; you would have laughed at the absurdity of the situation if he had said something other than what he did.
"Who's that" *thrust* "blond guy" *thrust* "you're always" *thrust* "with?"
Your heart skipped a beat and at first you weren't sure that you had heard him correctly but you knew that you hadn't drunk that much tonight to imagine things, so you anxiously waited for Brian's answer.
Brian laughed in a strange, high pitched voice and you realized that he had already had a few drinks before you came here tonight; but he wasn't drunk enough not to be able to answer a question. "He's no one."
Your heart started to beat so loudly in your ears that you barely heard the trick's next question.
"Then why" *thrust* "are you" *thrust* "with him?"
Brian sped up his thrusts and the trick started moaning louder. "He has" *thrust* "a great" *thrust* "ass. Now" *thrust* "shut up!"
You suddenly had enough of this and you stumbled out of the men's room. As the door shut behind you, the sudden noise and smoke made you dizzy for a moment but then you immediately made a beeline for the exit. You saw Emmett's worried face and Michael and Ted's curious glances out of the corner of your eye but right now you didn't want to deal with them; you just wanted to get out of there.
You had a million thoughts racing through your mind and you ran straight into some guys who were just coming through the door.
"Hey! Watch it!" one of them complained loudly.
"Sorry," you mumbled under your breath, not bothering to look up as you continued on your way.
Being a Friday night, Liberty Avenue was crowded; when you started running towards the bus stop like someone was chasing after you, you drew a few people's attention to yourself but you ignored them and kept running.
When you reached the bus stop you heaved a few deep breaths and thought that by now Brian had probably ditched his trick and noticed that you weren't there. Somehow you doubted that he would make a big deal out of it.
Fortunately you didn't have to wait long for the bus and before you knew it, you were home. Debbie was working late at the diner and Vic was watching TV. He didn't ask you why you were home so early so after saying hello, you ran up the stairs to your room. You quickly stripped down to your briefs and crawled into bed under the covers.
You weren't crying like some little faggot but you still felt stupid. You knew that it was just sex between the two of you; Brian himself told you once that he wasn' t your lover or boyfriend, not even your friend. But deep down inside, you always hoped that it would change one day; that he would change.
The reason you were upset was not because he ditched you tonight for another; you had accepted it a long time ago that tricking was second nature to Brian and he probably wouldn't change that for anyone - especially not for you; a seventeen year old twink. So you were okay with it; most of the time, anyway.
You always thought or at least hoped that he kept you around not just because of the sex; there had to be something more. You highly doubted that you were the first one in all these years with whom he enjoyed the sex this much.
You had thought you were special because you could see beyond his bullshit and you could read between the lines; now you weren't so sure because you had no idea what Brian's words meant tonight.
You had promised yourself a long time ago that no matter how hard he tried to push you away, you would make him love you or at least acknowledge you as a part of his life. When you learned tonight that all these month's hard work had been for nothing, you didn't know what else to do, so just you left.
It hurt to know that he still thought about you the same way like at the beginning; just a fuck. You knew that it was hard for him to express his feelings and it was nobody's business what you meant to him, but you felt betrayed, like he had denied all those moments that you had spent together; which would always have a special place in your heart.
A little voice inside your head kept telling you that he had been drunk and he hadn't known what he was saying but you also knew that drunk people rarely lied.
After a while you fell asleep; the last thought on your mind was that Brian Kinney was an asshole and you never wanted to see him again.
When you woke up the next morning the previous night's events came rushing back to your mind and your first thought was that Brian Kinney was an asshole and you never wanted to see him again.
Fortunately you didn't have to work at the diner that weekend where you would have to face him and you decided that you wouldn't go to Woody's or Babylon either; you couldn't face him yet. You stayed late in bed until Debbie yelled from downstairs that it was time to get up. After breakfast you were moping around in your room and you were bored out of your mind. After a while you started sketching, concentrating hard not to draw him but after the fifth time one of his body parts started to appear on the paper, you gave up and went over to Daphne's.
She noticed that you weren't talking and smiling like usual and she tried to find out what was up but when she realized that you weren't going to tell her the truth, she let you off the hook with some lame excuses like you were just tired. In the end you had a great time and as always when you were down, she managed to cheer you up. By the time dinner time rolled around and you had to hurry home if you didn't want Debbie to have your balls, you were able to laugh like you meant it.
Later, when Debbie asked you why you weren't going to Babylon, you told her that you didn't feel like it. Instead you watched her favorite TV show with her; you sat beside her on the couch while Vic was snoring quietly in an armchair. You stared at the TV screen but your mind was somewhere else.
Sunday morning you helped around the house and did your homework in the afternoon. Just as you finally forgot about Brian, suddenly you remembered that it was Sunday; which meant Debbie's family gatherings, which meant that you would have to see Brian. You realized that living with Debbie certainly had its disadvantages.
Everyone started to arrive one by one around seven; first Michael, shortly after Mel and Linds with Gus, then Emmett and Ted. Emmett casually asked you if you were okay but you could see the concern in his eyes. You wondered not for the first time what it would have been like if you had hooked up with a guy like him that night. Your life would be so much easier; but then again, maybe it wouldn't.
It was one of those rare occasions when Brian wasn't late and you were standing by the kitchen counter when he arrived. After he greeted everyone in his own way, he came up to you and kissed you. You resisted at first but then you let him because he was more gorgeous than the last time you saw him and he smelled so good. Then you remembered that you hated him so you pushed him away. When you tried to walk past him, he gently grabbed your arm and whispered in your ear in a low voice,
"Why did you leave so early the other night?" his hot breath washed over the side of your face. "I wanted to take you home."
You broke free from his grasp and hissed in his face in a quiet voice, "My ass isn't available for you 24/7."
For a moment you thought you saw hurt flicker in his eyes but then he just looked confused. You finally walked away and sat down at the table; you looked around but surprisingly nobody was paying attention to the two of you because everybody was getting ready to take their places around the table. Brian came over too but he didn't sit beside you. Then Debbie started serving the food and conversation began.
You glanced at him a few times during the meal and he was watching you with an unreadable expression on his face. After a while you just stared at your plate while you chewed on your food; even though it was one of your favorites, you weren't hungry. Nobody noticed the tension between you or even if they did, they didn't say anything.
When he left he didn't even bother to ask you whether you wanted to go with him or not.
On Monday morning you had an early shift before school so you met him again. You forced out a smile when you went to take his order and he smiled back. He offered to drop you off at school but you declined, saying that you would take the bus. He bit his lip and nodded but didn't say anything; that unreadable expression returned to his face.
The day went by like a blur. The only thing on your mind was him; you were torn between being hurt remembering his words from that fateful night and missing him because it had been days since you had sex with him.
It was getting dark outside and you were lying on your bed with one of your books in your hands. You were trying to study but you had been on the same page for the last half an hour, doodling on the margins. Suddenly you heard the front door open and close, then you heard voices coming from downstairs; it was him. You set up straight on your bed when you heard him jogging up the stairs. He knocked softly then he stuck his head in the door.
"Hey. Can I come in?" he asked half way through the door.
"Sure."
He closed the door behind him and sat down beside you on the bed.
"What's up with you?" he asked after a moment of silence.
"What do you mean?" you asked slowly.
"Well, I know it sounds strange coming out of my mouth, but I feel like you've been avoiding me." When you started to say something he held up his hand, "And even though you were right yesterday night, I have to admit that you surprised me with what you said."
You blushed. "Sorry if I was harsh."
"No problem, I can take it," he put his tongue in his cheek and you smiled despite yourself. Then his voice became serious. "Is something bothering you? Is this about school?"
"No," you said quietly.
He waited. "Then what?"
"I'd rather not talk about it right now."
He looked at you for a moment, searching your eyes. "Okay." Then he leant forward and kissed you; it was quick, his lips barely touched yours before he pulled back but he stayed close afterwards. "I want to fuck you tonight."
As always, you felt a shiver ran down your spine hearing him say that. You wanted to say no and wanted to stay angry with him but this was the Brian you loved so much; a caring man who came to see what was the matter with you because, even though he wouldn't admit it, he had been worried about you while he could have been at Woody's or Babylon getting his dick sucked. It seemed like that he would get it from you too eventually but with any other trick he wouldn't have to speak this much before it.
"Here?" you heard yourself ask.
He chuckled quietly. "I'm sure Debbie would appreciate it. No, you twat. At my place. And you can spend the night."
Those were the magic words and like so many times before, they worked now as well.
"Okay," you said.
You grabbed your duffle bag which was always ready to go by the foot of your bed, then you took out your school uniform from the closet while he went down to the kitchen to talk with Vic. Debbie was working late again; otherwise you would have to listen to one of her speeches how much she didn't like it when you were fucking all night long on a school night. Sometimes she really was your mother.
On the way to the loft neither of you said anything. You kept looking out of the window watching the street lights passing by but you could see out of the corner of your eye that he looked at you now and then. You knew that he wouldn't let you off the hook until you told him everything.
When you arrived at his place talking was the last thing on his mind though. The moment the door slid shut behind you, he was all over you. He pulled you flush against his body and kissed you with abandon. You wanted to protest because you could still hear in your head the words he said to that trick about you but with his tongue deep down your throat, you forgot about everyone and everything. You could concentrate only on his taste in your mouth, his unique scent that made you light headed and his strong arms around your waist.
Somehow you made it to the bedroom without tripping over each others feet. He pulled his shirt over his head then helped you with yours. He sucked on your neck while you tried to get inside his jeans with trembling hands. He wasn't wearing any underwear and his pubes tickled when you slid your hand inside. He was already hard and you both moaned when you wrapped your fingers around his cock. You started stroking him while you pushed his jeans down around his ankles and fondled his balls. He loved this and he threw his head back, exposing his neck; you took the opportunity to nip on his collarbone.
He let you for a while then he took your hands away his cock and pushed you down on the bed. He pulled your pants and underwear off before you had time to blink twice. He towered above you and you were mesmerized again by his beauty. The blue lights illuminated his tall and lean body and you slowly looked him up and down; your eyes traveled over his strong muscular legs; his hard cock standing up against his flat stomach; his toned chest and broad shoulders; his long, elegant neck and his full red lips. Your breath caught in your throat when your eyes met with his and you realized that the only sound can be heard in the loft was your breathing.
He lowered himself on top of you and placed open mouthed kisses on your chest. When he reached one of your nipples he licked it, then took your nipple ring between his teeth and gently tugged on it. You closed your eyes and moaned in pleasure while he licked it again a few times. Then he moved to your other nipple and closed his lips around it. He sucked it into a hard bud before he bit down on it gently. You arched your back, your chest following his mouth. You opened your eyes to see that he was smirking at you so you put your hands on the back of his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. He kissed you hard for a long time, exploring every crevice of your mouth. Then without breaking apart, he rolled around until you were on top of him. He pulled back long enough to put his mouth by your ear and licked the lobe.
"Suck me off," he said in a husky voice, his hot breath tickling your ear.
You were happy to oblige because you loved having him in your mouth, loved everything about it; the way it filled your mouth when you took him all the way in; the way his dick was throbbing and hardening on your tongue. You had had a few dicks down your throat by now but it was never like this with anyone else. You couldn't imagine the day when you would get tired of his taste or smell because it was intoxicating. You loved the sounds he made while you sucked him. You knew that he wasn't the screaming type in bed, so you felt thrilled every time a gasp or a moan escaped his lips. You remembered that time once you had really gotten into it; you had done every trick you knew he loved over and over again, taking him to the edge but always stopping at the last minute. In the end he had been writhing under you and begging you to finish him off. After that you had been ridiculously proud of yourself for days.
You settled between his legs and started to work your magic on him. First you licked just the tip all over until it was glistening with your saliva and he was thrusting his hips to your face, demanding for more. You gave in but you were still the one in charge.
You took the tip in your mouth and swirled your tongue around it while your hand slowly stroked his hard shaft. When he was getting desperate, you bobbed your head up and down a few times on his cock before you took all of him; until his cock hit the back of your throat. You swallowed around the head and he moaned low in his throat; one of his hands flew up to your hair and the other gripped your shoulder, his fingers digging into your flesh. You knew that he would leave marks which you would probably still be able to see tomorrow but you didn't care.
After a while your mouth abandoned his cock, replaced by your hand. You leisurely began to stroke him while you moved down to his balls. You lapped at the smooth skin then you took first one, then the other in your mouth, gently rolling them around with your tongue.
You couldn't resist the temptation so you moved lower until you reached his hole; it had been a forbidden territory for you but sometimes he let you play with it.
You knew that you were a bottom; you liked to take it up the ass since that first night. But there were times like this when he was lying in front of you naked, his skin glistening with sweat, his face flushed, his legs open; wanton and vulnerable that you wished that you were a top because you wanted to fuck him so bad it almost hurt.
You licked tiny circles around his hole and you tried to push your tongue inside for a few times but he was tense and didn't let you in. You desperately wanted to taste him so you played dirty and used one of the tricks you knew always drove him crazy; you brushed your thumb back and forth across his slit and sure enough he relaxed a little and you immediately pushed your tongue inside.
"Justin," he warned you but you noticed that his thighs fell open a little wider so you continued.
He probably was in a good mood because he let you play with him a little longer than usual. Then his grip tightened on your hair and he tugged a little, trying to pull you up.
"Justin," his voice was hoarse" I need to come in your mouth."
You quickly moved back to his cock and started to suck him vigorously. You moved your hand between your legs to get yourself off in time with him. You had become hard without touching yourself; at the beginning it had been embarrassing that you were so easy but then Brian had told you that he liked it that you were always horny. Then you had noticed that it made him horny when you were horny; so it was okay after all.
You came first; your cum covered your hand then you felt his cock tense and he filled your mouth with his salty cum which you eagerly swallowed drop by drop. You kept his cock in your mouth as the aftershocks ran through his body.
When he was done, he pulled you up by your shoulders and kissed you deeply. He moaned as he tasted himself on your tongue and his tongue hungrily danced in your mouth.
After you broke apart, you lay beside him. He gave you a tissue from the nightstand to clean your hands and you lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as it slowly returned to normal.
He lit up a cigarette and waved his fingers through your hair.
"You know," he inhaled then blew out the smoke" you're very good at this."
"Yeah, I am."
He chuckled softly above your head. "And modest too."
Neither of you said anything for a long time while he smoked; you traced little patterns on his chest with the tip of your fingers and just enjoyed this rare moment when it was just the two of you. No Mikey and the others at Woody's; no thumpa-thumpa at Babylon; and no tricks cruising him everywhere he went. Just the two of you and the quiet loft. You wished not for the first time that you would be able to freeze the moment because at times like this, you felt like he was yours. But you knew that it was only an illusion; his words the other night at Woody's just confirmed it.
After a while he put out his cigarette in the ashtray then playfully slapped your ass. "Get up. I need to take a piss."
As he disappeared in the bathroom you padded across the loft to the kitchen. You took out a bottle of water from the refrigerator and stood at the counter while you took a few sips.
You heard him flush the toilet then he came out to the kitchen too. You couldn't take your eyes off him as he walked towards you. When your eyes met his, he smiled at you because he knew that you couldn't resist him when he was naked; or in his clothes for that matter.
He stood very close behind you, wrapped his arms around your waist and put his mouth to your ear. "Are you ready to tell me what's up with you, little boy?"
You put your hands on his and smiled. "No."
"Hmm, I see," he kissed the spot behind your ear that always drove you crazy and your cock twitched. "Then tell me why you'd take off so early on Friday night."
"I didn't know you had plans with me," you began. "You'd barely said to me two words."
"Christ," he dropped his hands and walked to the other side of the counter. "I told you; we are not a bunch of lesbians, we are not a couple-"
"I know," you suddenly screamed at him surprising the both of you.
He looked at you so intently that you had to look away. You studied the countertop as you spoke again; in a normal voice this time.
"I know. I know that I'm nothing to you and you just keep me around because you like my ass."
He didn't say anything and when you looked up he had that unreadable expression on his face again. You walked past him and headed towards the bedroom.
As you sat down on the bed he appeared at the bottom of the stairs.
"Well," he began, "you do have a nice ass and I do like it." His tone was light and he tried to make you smile but this time he failed. He sighed and sat down on the bed; not too close but not too far either.
"Justin,"
"I heard you," you interrupted him, looking straight into his eyes.
He didn't know what you were talking about. "You heard what?"
"The other night at Woody's you said the same things to your trick; that I'm nothing to you and you just like my ass."
"Jesus, I barely remember anything from that night, let alone him. I was high as a kite."
"Well, I can remember. I was there."
He laughed. "What? You followed me to the men's room?"
"I've never been so humiliated in my life, Brian. I felt like a piece of meat."
A single tear escaped from one of your eyes and he brushed it away with his hand then he started caressing your cheek. His voice was gentle when he spoke again.
"Justin, you're not a piece of meat and you shouldn't believe in every word you hear; especially not when a drunk or a high person says them."
"But it's true, isn't it? Why else would you say it?"
He dropped his hand and your heart sank.
He looked at you frustrated. "How.. how can you expect me to define to a complete stranger what you mean to me when I still haven't figured it out for myself?"
"But you said-"
"Justin," he said in a firm voice. "You saw me that night; I was high and didn't know what I was saying."
You moved closer to him on the bed and touched his arm. "Please, Brian, tell me what am I to you. Am I just your fuck buddy? Because sometimes I feel like there is more to us than that."
He shrugged off your hand and looked at you with cold eyes. "There isn't an 'us'."
You touched his arm again. "Brian, please," you whispered.
He ran his hand through his hair. "Christ. You know I don't do this heart to heart shit."
You looked at him for a minute then you lay down on the bed, facing away from him. A lump formed in your throat but you swallowed hard a few times until it went away.
You felt bare and vulnerable; literally because you were naked and emotionally because you showed him your true feelings which he couldn't or wouldn't want to return.
For a few minutes nothing happened; you thought that he was going to tell you any minute to get dressed and go home so he could go to Babylon or just be alone. Then you felt the bed dip as he lay behind you; he put his hand on your shoulder and you stopped shivering.
"Justin,"
You turned around and snuggled as close to his body as you could, burying your face in his chest. His hand slid down to your back and he gently caressed it while he spoke.
"Do you really think that if you would mean nothing to me I would bring you back to my place several times a week when I have a no repeat policy?"
You shook your head a little and whispered against his chest, "No."
"That I would have taken you in after your father kicked you out on the street and you had nowhere to go?"
You shook your head again.
"That I would have gone after you when you ran away to New York with my credit card and then brought you back to live at Debbie's?"
You shook your head and smiled at the memory.
"And most of all, do you really think that I would have left Gus alone with you for hours when I went to the Leather Ball if you were nothing to me?"
You raised your head off his chest so you could look into his eyes. His words started to make you feel better and you smiled. "No."
"You," he stopped for a moment, obviously searching for the right words. "You're more than just a fuck buddy but I... I just don't know what you are yet."
He looked so miserable that you lifted your head and kissed him on his chin. You smiled again when you lay back on the pillow. "Thank you. It's enough for now."
He chuckled softly. "I knew that you would want more."
He sat up and covered the both of you with the duvet. When he lay down again you settled back into his arms and he pulled you close against his body.
Your eyes were heavy with sleep but the sudden realization that you were going to sleep this way made you wide awake. Even though you had slept many times in his bed by now, it had been always obvious that he slept on that side of the bed that was closer to the closet and you on the other; an invisible line separating the two of you. He usually slept facing away from you and seemed to need his own space even asleep. You respected this and resisted the urge to wrap yourself around him; of course this didn't mean that you didn't lie as close to him as possible without actually touching. Sometimes when he fell asleep before you, you moved really close to him and rested your forehead against his shoulder blades.
So, tonight when it seemed like that you were going to sleep face to face with his arms around you, you tried to stay awake a little while longer to enjoy this rare occasion. He must have sensed your restlessness because he kissed your forehead and murmured against your hair,
"Sleep now, twat."
And you did.
~the end~