Kevin Thomas Caldwell (May 27, 1961 - February 2, 2024)

[leathercubster]

One of my best bear buddies for over twenty-one years, Kevin Caldwell, passed away on February 2nd at 62 years old. I knew with his declining health that he was nearing death's door, but I thought he would have a few years left in him given his successful hospital visits the last few years. But past treatments to his tonsil cancer have taken its toll and his organs began to shut down. Before he slipped away and was able to regain consciousness, he gave a final kiss to his lover of twenty-four years, Kirk. pup Jerame was also visiting in the hospital and told boy (Alex) Zander, who then told me at 10:44pm that Kevin had passed away minutes before. I was in the staff room about to clean up before locking up when I got the WhatsApp call. Sometime later, I talked to Kirk on the phone and I plan to talk to him again soon, perhaps talk about Kevin's background. He provided me a link to a write-up he posted on the LGBTQ Fresno page announcing Kevin's passing. Very likely I'll have to update on here in the future to keep things accurate.




Kevin was born May 27, 1961 the youngest of four siblings in Stockton, California where he grew up with them. His mother was of Irish descent and his father was Canadian. I used to joke that he was my favourite Irish-Canadian-American bear. I think he told me that he came out to his family in the early 1980s, after high school. Of the four siblings, three of them were gay. His oldest brother was in the US Marines or Navy. I remember Kevin having to deal with an incident involving Veteran Affairs. His brother was receiving (home?) care from a male nurse that his brother also had a sexual relationship with. As you can expect, VA didn't take kindly to it when that fell apart. The only other thing I remember about his brother was that Kevin showed him a picture of me one day and his brother thought I was cute! He had a number of health problems, especially with his heart, and passed away June 6, 2015. Kevin's oldest sister, Maureen, is the only surviving sibling currently and the only one who was straight. Kevin was probably the one he was closest to and usually would visit her in Redding periodically (their brother moved to Redding sometime before passing away.) The other sibling just above him was another sister who was a lesbian - though she had mental health problems. She passed away sometime after their older brother, though it was more of a relief for both Kevin and Maureen. I know little about Kevin's early days in gay California culture prior to joining the Knights of Malta and his early days in the club. He was involved with the early bear scene that was emerging as a subculture in the 80's and 90's, identifying as one and held an exclusive attraction to bears and cubs. Perhaps around the same time, he was involved with and part of the leather community. Well into the 90's, he was increasingly becoming more a mentor and taking on a Daddybear role. He was featured in the 11th issue of Drummer Tough Customer (I still need to confirm this - I've purchased the issue off Ebay, but I won't be able to pick it up until August in Wisconsin) and had gained good experience in BDSM play from fellow leathermen. I don't recall when he joined the Knights of Malta, but apparently in the early 80's with the Stockton Chapter and then later the Modesto Chapter. I guess since the later 1980's or early 90's, he joined the Fresno Chapter and been with them since. In 2001, he moved to Fresno permanently as he was living there on and off.



At Assembly 1994 in San Francisco during Labour Day weekend, my fellow Dogwood Knight, Wayne T. met Kevin for the first time and they took an immediate liking to each other. Kevin was partnered with John at the time and would be for around a few more years (more on John below.) Kevin must have met Kirk around 1999 or 2000. Kirk was originally from Poland though I don't remember the circumstances as to how he ended up in the United States. Obviously, growing up gay in Poland was difficult so I think by his early 20's he traveled around Europe a bit. Around twenty years ago I talked to a former Daddybear friend of his, Tom McNiven, who knew of his background as I think they met in the UK before Kirk went to the US to follow him. I don't remember all the details of those conversations and have long lost contact with Tom. Before Kirk met Kevin, I remember Kevin telling me that there was a big bear that Kirk played with early in the US who ended dying of a heart attack! Thankfully, he didn't get in trouble despite being a visitor. I can assume sometime after, Kevin and Kirk met, fell in love, and soon after was introduced to the rest of the Knights at Seattle's Assembly in 2000. Kirk was a Knight for around a few years before deciding to quit, but would still support them and attend events. The only story I know of Assembly 2000 involved the Knights cruising Kirk that weekend, and one of my Knights getting a little too cruisey. Wayne M., who had been in the Dogwood Chapter for around a couple years at that time, was very infatuated with Kirk at their first meeting and wanted him as his slave. In a hotel room, likely the hospitality suite, Kirk laid on the bed which invited some Knights to feel him up and perhaps lightly play with his nipples, which he enjoyed but Wayne M. was the only one that groped him inappropriately. This didn't sit too well with Kevin and later on, Wayne's infatuation with Kirk got too much that Kevin had to physically restrain Wayne away from Kirk at one point! This was obviously embarrassing, and this would be the only time Wayne and Kirk would ever meet physically. They would still talk through phone via Jim DeYoung when Wayne lived with him for years. Since Kirk couldn't visit Canada and Wayne barely returned to a Knights event in the United States since, they will likely never see each other for the rest of their lives. The last time Wayne saw Kevin was Assembly 2012 (more on that below), and the last they said anything to each other was via a phone call I made at Anniversary 2022.



The first meeting between Kevin and I was Assembly 2002 here in Vancouver. Kevin knew of me beforehand because of a phone conversation both he and Jim DeYoung had prior to Assembly. Because I was a cub and Jim knew Kevin liked cubs, Kevin had a good interest in wanting to meet me. Around a week before the event, I got messaged by Kevin on the long-defunct Bear.net website. I think he figured who I was, but I didn't quite know who he was even though he happened to be from Fresno. From what I remember, he said that he was going to be in town the following weekend and I replied that it was my group's Assembly and that he was free to join us. I don't remember what happened next in our message exchange, but I got a little defensive as to how it was proceeding. Kevin was a Daddy-type and I let him know that I already had a Daddy (David) in my life - but I misunderstood his intent. Still, it finally hit me that this was the Kevin that Jim was trying to hook us up together! I think he sent me a couple of low-res pics and found him very sexy. I was getting excited to finally meet him! He and the rest of the Fresno Knights arrived in Vancouver August 30th and after my part-time job that afternoon in Surrey, I took the skytrain to downtown and went to the Dufferin Hotel/Pub where everyone was staying that weekend. I met and said hello to my Knights in the back bar and the Seattle Knights who also arrived, but I didn't see Kevin or the other Fresno Knights as they were tired and in bed. I then went home and returned to the hotel the next day, August 31st. I don't remember how Kevin and I first saw each other for the first time or how we were introduced, but we immediately hit it off. After brunch at Panama Jacks with all the Knights, I think we all went to the Pumpjack Pub for a beer bust. Around that time, I was wearing my new and first-ever leather harness that I just bought at Mack's Leathers. When we returned to the Dufferin Hotel that early afternoon, Kevin invited me into his room and for the next couple of hours, we were in bed together. No anal, but lots of oral and bear lovemaking. We spent nearly an hour in the shower together afterwards, just lathering, cuddling... the whole three hours was one of the best experiences in my young gay life. After we were done, we all went to the formal dinner at the Holiday Inn on Howe. I didn't have my Knights formals at the time, but Kevin looked very handsome in his (the Yosemite Chapter would change their formals in 2003 or 2004). After dinner, we returned to the Dufferin Pub for the formal show. Kevin was in the production with Fresno and his chapter won that night. Seattle was second and Vancouver third. After the show, I had a sexual fling with past Vancouver Emperor and Grand Lord of the Knights, Gordon Newman. He had been cruising me for awhile so after the show, he invited me up to his room for a quickie (it sadly would be the only time he and I played as he passed away in 2003 or 2004) before we returned to the bar. I believe it was when I soon had to say goodbye to Kevin and take a final picture together. I couldn't be a part of the whole Assembly weekend as I had to go with my best friend, Marc, to Nanaimo for my older brother's wedding for the rest of the Labour Day weekend. I found out later how the rest of the weekend went. One low point was on the bus that the late-Seattle Knight, Harvey, was driving that weekend (both American chapters used his bus to enter and leave Canada) when one of my Knights, Nestor, was either drunk/high and made a scene on the bus with a threat toward a Fresno Knight. After he made that scene and asked to be let off somewhere, I later found out about this from Kevin (I don't remember when, maybe 1-4 years later?) during an online chat. He said no one from my chapter apologized for Nestor's behaviour, but didn't want to make a big deal about it. I had none of that and brought it to my chapter's attention the following meeting, saying we should give them a written apology and that Nestor was no longer a part of our group as he has since quit. I thought this would be appropriate before the next Gathering/Assembly and my chapter agreed, sending Fresno Chapter a letter or email with the apology to smooth any bad feelings over that incident.

No one from my chapter could attend Gathering in 2003 in Reno. Kevin would later tell me about an incident there with past Reno Knights, Joe & Lou. Both of them were very senior in the Knights and in fact, had been with the Seattle Chapter back in the early to mid 1970's when the club started a gay biker group. Kevin had never gotten along with them and it culminated with this incident in which a fellow Fresno Knight, Robert(?), was having a seizure in one of the bars they were visiting. Even though he was in medical distress, all Joe & Lou say to Kevin as they were drinking, "He's (Robert) killing our buzz". Kevin was furious at them - though I don't remember what he said. That is all I remember mentioned about that weekend told to me, outside of the Knights visiting their home which looked something out of 18th century France. Tacky. LOL!





The second meeting between us was Assembly 2004 in Fresno from September 3-6, and it was the first time I meet Kirk. I didn't write anything about Kevin in my report on the weekend, likely because we didn't spend much time together. He was busy all weekend with the event, but there were a couple of things that stood out. I remember him having to deal with a minor accident with the bus we were on in which a Don Rose Oil tanker clipped our bus. Our hired driver pulled to the side and they had conversations with the tanker driver. It didn't lead to anything major and we continued on our way west to the Californian coast to Hearst Castle that early afternoon. After we returned to Fresno and went to the Den (a long since closed bear bar), the last event that day was a night pool party at Kevin & Kirk's place (at the time, they rented a house in the 1500 block of North Teilman Ave). He picked up a ton of food and it was the first time I ever ate Popeye's chicken. Jim, Kevin, and I sat together and talked about Knights stuff as we stuffed out mouths with fast food and desserts. Another thing I remember was the following Sunday night after the formal show, I wore some of the small amount of leather I had at the time while I was packing some of my things in the hotel room Jim and I were sharing. There was a group of seven us, including Kevin & Kirk. Kevin was tired and a little drunk, sitting on the floor next to the outside door. I noticed he was giving me this leery, somewhat lustful look at me. I'm surprised Kirk didn't notice as he was chatting with others. But I quite enjoyed the visual attention Kevin was giving me that moment. The whole weekend was a lot of fun and I even got to meet Daddy Eric for the first time as he was an associate "Eagle" member then and was living in Florida. I did enjoy seeing Kevin with his shirt off and belly hanging out quite a bit too! One last thing I should mention about Assembly 2004 - some of my Dogwood Knights thought I was guaranteed to get laid that weekend, but Jim was the one who ended up getting laid - twice. I didn't get to play with anyone, though I got cruised by a small handful of Knights and supporters. We honestly found it funny, though I do wish I could have had Kevin and/or Daddy Eric that weekend.





At Gathering 2005 in Portland from September 2-4, Kevin and I ended up sharing a room together at the Washington Park Inn. At first, I was supposed to share a room with my fellow Knight Peter, but he allowed me to go with Kevin. On that Friday night after we visited the Eagle, the Dirty Duck, and C.C. Slaughters, Kevin went to the room where Peter and I were staying in, joined by Jim, Wayne T., and a local Daddybear who was with me that I've chatted with online. Jim and Peter were seated by a table while Kevin and Wayne were sitting on the edge of the bed, talking about stuff while I proceeded to fist this Daddy behind Kevin and Wayne. Peter could see what I was doing and was very turned on while Jim's eyes widened in surprise. The other Knights stopped talking and looked behind them to see my hand in this Daddy's ass while he was moaning in arousal! LOL! Let's say they never forgot that scene. Sharing a room with Kevin for a couple of nights was worth the three year wait as we caught up on playing and cuddling. Very few of his Knights came up, but Daddy Eric and his then-boy, Earl, were with us.





Seattle hosted Assembly in 2006 from September 1-4. For the first couple of nights at the Seattle Pacific Hotel, I was sharing a room with Paige Turner only. At the Cuff that Friday night, Kevin introduced me to his local friend Daddy Carl - who was the current Seattle Leather Daddy that year. Not much else happened with him and I until Sunday. This is what I wrote: [As] I was browsing around the hotel, a bad incident happened - our member Chuck had upset Robert, a Fresno Knight with his consistent groping and not-gonna-let-you-go hugs that it prompted Kevin Caldwell to talk to me and asked if I could talk to Chuck to control himself as Robert is sensitive and thought it was getting out of hand (they were interested in each other before but now it was getting too much). I replied I would talk to Jim if I ever ran into him and tried to look for him to no avail. While looking, I ran into Chuck and he did the same "hug" but I kept my mouth shut on the situation as I wanted to talk to Jim first but since I still couldn't find him, I returned to my room. Meanwhile, I get a phone call from Kevin saying a SECOND incident happened on Robert again and said that if nothing is done, that he himself will physically restrain Chuck if needed who can't seem to take no for an answer. I answered that I will immediately find Jim and talk to him whom I eventually did and he suggested that I ask the most senior executive around to handle the situation, which was Wayne T. I called him up and explained the situation and said he would talk to Chuck who was causing trouble for our chapter...

After the formal and dinner and show that night: The night was free and some decided to go bar hoping while some of us went back to the hotel. Carl Bronsdon came around and he gave me a ride back to the hotel so we both went back to my suite with Kevin and Paige also coming. All four of us spent around over a couple hours talking about people we knew in the community, Coronations, Knights members, deceased friends, etc. We also looked through a collection of pictures that Kevin had of current and past Knights, bear/leather buddies, drag queens, etc. It was a very interesting evening and poor Carl was tired from his long day of work and after-work work that he left for home and said he would swing by for the final Brunch tomorrow.

After Daddy Carl left, Kevin stayed the night in my room and shared the same bed as me. In the morning, I had a hard-on and snuggled up to Kevin who was sleeping on his side. For the first time, I fucked him and fucked him raw. He loved it and I probably kept it up for nearly half an hour. Paige could see what I was doing and didn't say a word as she let us have our moment together. After we were done, he left to return to his room. Sometime afterwards, maybe the following year, we chatted on Yahoo IM and we got into talking about how much he enjoyed me fucking him bareback in Seattle and then adds "I want you to shoot your cub cum inside of me :-)" When he wrote that, I remember getting a major hard-on and very much wanted to do that. But it would be years until we could play again. We didn't see each other in 2007 as Gathering was canceled.







Instead of an Assembly in 2008, we decided on another Gathering and it took place in Reno from August 29 to September 1. We stayed at The Sands Regency Hotel and I shared a room with Seattle Knight Gary Sixsmith. Around sunset that Friday, we went to The Patio with the Seattle Knights and I found Kevin who introduced me to the third in his relationship, Bryce. He was staying with him and thus, no playing could be done. I also got to meet Joe & Lou for the first and only time that weekend, but I had no interest in them (they passed away sometime in 2015.) Kevin & Bryce and I spent some time together that Saturday starting with breakfast at the Peppermill Hotel that included Fresno Knight Houston/Amber. After the formal dinner, we all went to Carl's Pub with the local bears who joined us that weekend. It would be the last we would see them for the rest of the weekend, especially Dean, who I would not see again until BiggerVegas 2019. But it was thanks to Kevin that a small handful came to join us. Back at Kevin & Bryce's hotel room, Kevin showed me the Golden State Bears' Bear Round-Up movie and later, would give me a DVD copy of it as a gift. He also showed me some pictures of the Golden State Bears events before I retired back to my room for bed. The next day, I hung out with them quite a bit before dinner. By the end of dinner, I wrote this: Kevin wasn’t feeling well also and asked me about Walgreen’s as I was there earlier and he was going to take a cab there to buy some Tylenol. I said I would walk back there and buy him some so all he had to do was go back to his hotel room. While on the way back to the hotel I took the last city pictures as it was the only chance I had to get some cool neon signs and lights. I got back to Kevin’s hotel room and gave him his medication. We snuggled together and talked with Bryce as it’ll likely be a year when we will see each other again so I wanted to just have the last night of Reno to be special. From that came one of the best pictures taken of the two of us by Bryce. The rest of 2008 was okay until my third, Kevin McKenzie, died near the end of the year. Things were going to get bad for me emotionally for the next five years and Kevin would be there to help me through it. But even his life would take a drastic downturn come 2009.



Sometime in 2008 or 2009, Kevin was diagnosed with tonsil cancer. The usual treatments toward it weren't working and that was when the doctor got suspicious. He asked Kevin if he had been testing for HIV infection. He replied that he does a cotton swab test regularly plus some blood tests and his tests have come back negative. The doctor does a scrape of his bone marrow and they discover that he was in fact, HIV positive! It explained why the treatments weren't working. I think they also figured he had the infection since around 2003. Kevin then told me that he thinks a black bear he met up with for a BB fuck session during a visit to Washington DC was the guy who infected him. He found out the guy had a reputation of not disclosing his HIV status, but since Kevin tested negative for years after that encounter, he thought he got lucky. It begged the question on how the usual tests didn't pick up the antibodies. Recently, Kirk told me a different story as to Kevin's HIV infection and thinks I may have been mistaken on what Kevin told me years ago. I said it's likely what Kevin knew in recent years was probably more accurate than what he thought back in 2009. Anyways, the proper treatment toward the cancer worked, but he ended up losing all his hair and beard that year. He would need treatment on and off through the years, but at least it kept the cancer in remission. We met at Gathering from September 4-7 in Sacramento. This time, I had my then roommate and fellow Knight Shane with me. It would be the only time Kevin would meet him as my Daddy David eventually kicked Shane out of our household in early spring 2010. I didn't write much about Kevin at Sacramento Gathering outside of seeing him with all his hair gone and his face had some whiskers left. He also lost about 100 pounds. We had an opportunity to play the final night of the gathering, but he wasn't much in the mood. We got to snuggle together instead though.





In early January 2010, Kevin sends me a selfie with his hair growing back. He was showing more grey in his beard that from then on, I referred to him as Daddy or Daddybear Kevin. He was a Daddybear before, but he was definitely looking like one now! We met in Seattle for Assembly from September 3-6, joined by Kirk and Bryce. The three of them hung out everywhere together all weekend, but I was included in some of the outings. I don't remember how it happened, but Kevin and I managed to play that Monday morning in my room. I think Kirk and Bryce were out somewhere, so he could sneak to my room and we could have each other for a bit. This is what I wrote in my old blog entry: I got out of bed by 8:30am and was hoping to play with Kevin that morning and waited for him to arrive. I did some final packing and organized some stuff until Kevin arrived after 10:15am. We played around and showered together - something we waited a year for! He left to go back to his suite next door and I grabbed everything and went down to the lobby to check out. This ended up being the last time Kevin would visit Seattle. The following year, Gathering was supposed to be in Portland, but it was canceled as Kevin couldn't attend as he had an unexpected car repair. Since I was poised to be the only other non-Seattle Knight to attend, it was moved to Seattle. I ended up canceling too as I got a bad case of Shingles! So it would be another year that we would meet again.







As some of you remember, 2012 was "The Year from Hell" between Daddy David and I. I would message Kevin on Yahoo IM or text him when I was down and he provided much emotional support to me. I'm sure it didn't surprise him when he found out how much David turned on me. He tried to warn me for years, given the on and off problems I mentioned in the past, that David was capable of replacing me in his life. I didn't think it would happen given the years together and I proved my loyalty to him a lot. Kevin had never met David face-to-face before, but come Assembly 2012 in Vancouver, he briefly met David for the first and only time. Kirk couldn't come up to Canada due to his status, but Bryce and Carol could. At that time, Bryce haven't been up to Vancouver and Canada since Expo '86! Carol has never been to Canada before. I spent some decent time with them throughout the weekend. On Friday, we enjoyed some social and snack time at Jim & Paul's apartment. Saturday, a couple of us took the Fresno Knights to the PNE as one of their major exhibitions that summer was Star Trek: The Exhibition. Being Trekkies, we enjoyed it. We got a picture of us taken in The Original Series bridge with Carol in the captain's chair. After I paid for a couple of copies and waiting for it to finish developing, my younger sister was at the PNE with a friend of hers and my 6-year old niece. This was the only time Kevin got to meet her. I wrote this: Throughout the entire time we have been in the PNE, I have been calling and texting my younger sister as she was also visiting that day with her daughter. So while waiting for replies, we walked around the fairgrounds until we met them plus a really good friend of my sister at the bottom of the slope that I guess connects the PNE and Playland (I'm not sure). This is the first time my sister has seen me in my Knights vest and also meet other Knights! Immediately they took a liking to each other. Bryce liked her T-shirt, while a couple of Knights asked if she was older or younger than me (she is 2 years younger and is the youngest of my siblings). Kevin and her agreed about my shyness though Kevin added that "we've been working on him and he's coming out of his shell". To finish off the quick visit and part our ways, we had a group picture taken by my sister's friend. It was a shame they couldn't joins us as we were looking into leaving soon. After the PNE, we transited back to downtown and had supper at Hamburger Mary's. I recalled Kevin wanting to go to one and I promised him back the year prior during an online chat that I'd take him to the one in Davie Village. We enjoyed it while having supper together as a group (this was before the restaurant renovated soon after and was never the same diner again.) The next late-morning at the Interchapter Meeting, the Seattle Chapter made a major proposal to the by-laws that would change everything. Assemblies have become too expensive and labour-intensive for hosting chapters to put on. Since we have just as much fun at Gatherings, it was decided to make Assemblies optional from then on. Also, cities for Gatherings can be chosen by a host chapter and be anywhere they chose - not just in cities that had chapters in the past. Finally, these future get-togethers don't have to be on Labour Day weekend, they can be any weekend as long as months notice is given. We agreed to it, and the Fresno Chapter would host starting next year. Later at the formal dinner that night, I believe it was when Kevin got to meet David. David didn't say much about Kevin, but Kevin found what he had heard of me talk about David for years rang true, so he didn't have a high opinion of him. The next day at the Sunday farewell brunch, David's then-slave Calvin joined us. Kevin showed some interest in Calvin, and would feel sorry for him given the situation with David that was going on in our household. About a month later, Calvin would abruptly leave David and we would never hear from him again. But Assembly did end on a good note for Kevin and I: we got to play Sunday morning before brunch in my hotel room. I was staying with Peter and he slipped out just so Kevin and I could have some fun. I made the mistake of taking my morning piss as I lost my morning wood and couldn't fuck Kevin much without it. But we got some good lovemaking in. It was the 10th Anniversary of our first meeting here in Vancouver. Assembly 2012 was the final time Kevin would be in Vancouver and Canada in general. I tried for years to push for him to come to our Anniversary weekends in November, but he couldn't make it to them.





To start off the new Gathering/Assembly format, the Fresno Chapter held 2013 Gathering in Las Vegas and it marked my first time there. They chose the Stratosphere Casino, Hotel & Tower and I bunked with Eugene and Victor of the Seattle Chapter. A couple of Golden State Bears members joined that year too. Kevin was with Kirk and we had dinner together at a nearby Denny's sometime after I arrived. Back at the hotel, some of us went up to one of the highest points of the hotel and got separated from Kevin & Kirk. When we couldn't find or get a hold of Kevin, I returned to my room soon after. The next morning, Kevin called Eugene and I to join him for breakfast at Roxy's Diner downstairs. After breakfast and meeting the remaining Seattle Knights, we were introduced to a big bear buddy of Kevin named Brian (I spelled it as "Brain" in my entry, maybe that was his actual name?) from Sacramento. He and Kevin had been friends for around twenty years at that point and happened to be in town. He hung out with us for a few hours including a stop at a Carl's Jr. for lunch. I think that was the last I ever saw Brian and he may have since passed away. Too bad, he was very handsome! After the formal dinner that night, some of us went to Club Metro and then returned to the hotel. Kirk wanted to go up the tower like the previous night as he didn't get the chance before. Unlike the previous night, we didn't separate. I got some pictures of us including a nice one of Kevin & Kirk. Sunday after the Interchapter meeting, Kevin & Kirk took Eugene and I to Fremont to check out the shops while they went on their way. Later at night, I walked all the way to the Fun Hog Ranch, hoping to find Kevin there but by the time I arrived, he wasn't there. It sucked as I almost collapsed from the night heat when I arrived. The next morning after I had some fun in bed with Eugene, Kevin stopped in. I could tell he was enjoying leering at my naked body, but nothing happened between us. I found out he and GSB member Terry were at the Fun Hog Ranch the previous night and that I had missed them. Aw fuck! After showering and around check-out downstairs, I said good-bye to him before he and Kirk drove home.









I think Kevin wasn't interested in going to Gathering in Spokane during the July 4th weekend in 2014 or most likely, couldn't do the drive there. He also didn't come up for Gathering in Vancouver the following year during the Canadian Thanksgiving (US Columbus Day) weekend. He couldn't travel because his older sister planned the funeral for their older brother that same weekend - three months after his death. I was pissed!. After that 3-year wait, we got to meet July 1-4 for 2016 Gathering in Palm Springs. What I liked about the weekend is that it was mostly the four of us who attended: Kevin, Eugene, Wayne T., and me. We stayed at the Posh Palm Springs Inn that was owned by Tony & Santo - friends of Kevin (they have long since sold the place and pretty much retired.) Kevin arrived after the three of us and after he had a nap, we both had some private snuggling together. The next day at brunch, I got to meet Kevin's former lover, John. Wayne T. originally met him before at San Francisco Assembly in 1994 and again anywhere from 1996-1998 in Vancouver when he and Kevin came up together. A funny story: both Kevin & John came up at a time in which we had snow in the Lower Mainland. John had never experienced snow before in his life and when it was thrown at him and getting covered in it, he HATED it! Kevin thought it was funny! Anyways, they both remained friends after breaking up though I'm not sure the last time they saw each other prior to Gathering. I myself would run into John a couple times at Palm Springs Leather Pride through the years. Wayne T. enjoyed his time with John, similar to how I felt toward Kevin. The rest of day was fun with a great visit to the Tool Shed later at night and it ended with me spending the night with Kevin in his room, which we haven't done since Seattle 2006. He loved that I fucked him raw in the morning, which he would tell me later that it reminded him of 2006. Soon after that day, long-time Seattle Knight Fugi who was living in San Diego, and Seattle groupie Arnie who was in San Diego on business, decided to drive up and join us! And just for that day another long-time Seattle Knight who was living in Palm Springs, Gary Sixsmith, joined us with his then boyfriend. So for that time, we went from four to eight of us. After the formal dinner at Billy Reed's and a visit to the Barracks in the Cathedral City, Gary and his then-boyfriend separated from us for the rest of the event. As I was packing up back in our hotel room, Wayne went to visit and spend time with Kevin. After my shower, I went to Kevin's room and Wayne traded off after they had some chat and cuddle time together. That night would be the last night Kevin and I would sleep together and play. I wrote this when morning came: As I woke up in the morning, I stroked a bit and went on my left side and fucked Daddy Kevin from behind. He was taking me in but I couldn't cum in him just yet so I pulled out, stroked, and once I was about to shoot, shoved my cock back in his hole and orgasimed deep inside him. It was fucking hot and Daddy Kevin was well pleased to take my cub seed (he told me a little later that I managed to get back in him good and deep as it was my worry that I didn't aim well in that small window of opportunity). We waited many years for this moment and I hope we get more opportunities for many years to come! Little did I know, that would be the only time we would enjoy such a moment. There was something good that came out of Palm Springs that year: Eugene and Kevin got to know more about each other and develop a stronger friendship as Knights. While I had to sacrifice playing with Eugene that weekend, it was worth having that time with Kevin.







Kevin & Kirk drove up to Portland, OR for 2017 Gathering from September 8-11. While we got to spend some time together as a group, not much happened of note between Kevin and I. The following year in Sacramento from August 24-27, my chapter was hosting but he helped in getting us a host hotel. Appearance-wise, he was just starting to lose weight as I think this was the beginning of his very slow health decline from treatments. We did manage to get a small snuggle in that Saturday night while I was showing some Knights the then-newish Star Trek: Discovery just before Kirk came in. The weekend was also the first time I ever met the third in their relationship, Riis. We also met pup Jerame whom my chapter hung out with a lot. Sunday night we all went to The Bolt, the city's leather bar. We got a great picture of Kevin, Rich, and I outside on the back patio- the three presidents together! I was smoking a stale cigar that night and got some nicotine poisoning. Kevin noticed how nauseated and tired I was feeling that he came over and massaged my shoulders from behind. Sigh... so nice.





Gathering next year in 2019 was hosted by his chapter in Long Beach during the Victoria Day weekend of May 17-20, which also happens to to be Long Beach Pride. We got some decent time together as a group throughout the weekend. Both Kirk and Riis were with him and sharing a room together. While we were at the Pride parade that Sunday, I was with Wayne T and pup Jerame at a completely different part of the route. After Long Beach, Kevin and I kept in contact throughout the pandemic for the next three years. Long Beach would end up being the last time Wayne T would see Kevin, though would keep in touch via various phone calls.







The final Gathering Kevin would attend was the one his chapter hosted in San Jose, August 26-30, 2022. The last few years of hospital visits and treatments for his cancer were not kind to Kevin as I noticed he had lost quite a bit of weight and he didn't have the energy he once had. He was still in good spirits though. We got some good amount of socializing that weekend amongst the Knights, but things felt weird with the Seattle Knights that at times, they wanted more to hang around each other than with the rest of us. I think even Kevin noticed it, which is a shame as that would be the last time the Seattle Knights (sans Eugene) would see him alive. Come the last day of Gathering, he & Kirk and Houston left for Fresno early without saying goodbye to us. He soon texted me saying he wasn't feeling well and wanted to get home. I understood, but was grateful to just see him post-pandemic. He and his chapter couldn't make it to Denver Gathering last year. But going back to just before Rubbout 2023, Eugene suggested that we consider visiting Kevin in Fresno as, in his opinion, it wasn't looking good for Kevin. By Rubbout, I took that more to heart and as I was making plans for my summer vacation later on, decided to make it the last stop of my trip.



August 25-27, 2023 I took the trip to Fresno. I haven't been there since Assembly 2004 above, so just one weekend shy of nineteen years. I arrived at the airport first and Kevin greeted me. While waiting for Eugene to arrive, we sat near the exit terminal and got to have some nice conversation. We were also checking out some of the hot bears that were walking by. After Eugene arrived, we had a late lunch at a Carl's Jr. before we were dropped off at our hotel. After a few hours, we were picked up by Kirk & Riis to go to a Vietnamese restaurant to have dinner with the Knights. For a small handful of years, I usually got Kevin a package of Tassimo coffee pods from Canada, specifically the "McCafe" flavour that he loved and cannot get in the US. On the way to the restaurant, Kirk says that they no longer have a Tassimo and now have a Keurig! Aw shit. He still took the coffee pods off my hands anyways as they could find someone to use it. It was a nice dinner with a small amount of Knights. The next day, Eugene and I spent around five hours at Kevin & Kirk's, having some great chats and watching some archival footage of the Knights and other past gay Fresno stuff. Bryce joined us too for a bit. The four of us went to a nice Yemeni restaurant for supper and after Kevin dropped Kirk off at home, he stayed with us in our room for under a couple of hours. I wished Kevin and I could have cuddled and done something, but nothing really happened. Even then, I looked at it as a missed opportunity given it was only the three of us. I began to suspect something between us in recent years: perhaps he isn't as attracted to me compared to years ago? Compared to years ago, Kevin seemed to be less cruisey toward me, even in messaging. I could chalk it up to declining health, but his interest in me felt somewhat waning. Wayne T. told me that Kevin said to him that he still had feelings toward me and wanted some play. But I'll never know at what degree he desired me in his final years. A final cuddle within that hotel visit, even with Eugene around, would have been reassuring. The next day, he and Kirk dropped Eugene and I off at the airport where, sadly, it ended up being our final hugs, kisses, and goodbyes we would ever give to Kevin. August 27th was the last physical visit. From then on, we texted and talked on WhatsApp like we usually did.

The rest of 2023 was him being in and out of the hospital. We had discussions on the next Gathering taking place in San Francisco this summer - which he was skeptical about and his chapter did not warm up to the idea given the hotel costs during Dore Alley weekend. I remember late last year the WhatsApp message he sent about this issue, and I didn't bother to reply and didn't text him for awhile as I was pissed off. It made no sense to me: the Fresno Chapter lived the closest to SF so their travel costs would be cheaper than the rest of us who have to fly down. Yes, the hotel costs are a sticking issue and so are the other problems that the city is currently dealing with. I'm willing to work on some of those things and outside a couple years of the pandemic, I have been to SF every summer since 2017. To keep the peace, I said while SF was my top choice, San Diego and Reno were alternatives if SF wasn't going to work. Before his second-last hospitalization in January, we were discussing about hotel possibilities in SF. I didn't want to bother him about it again until he was feeling better. But come late-January and then February 2nd, it all came apart.

Ever since we met, Kevin and I chatted a lot online about our lives. I wish I could remember some of those details and had them saved. Just before Yahoo ceased their Instant Messaging program, I copied and pasted our conversations from late-April 2012 to December 2015. I also wish I had our earlier conversations saved before that! Since it was 2012, it was during that very dark time between Daddy David and I. Skimming through those old IM conversations with Kevin, it makes me so glad he was a shoulder I could cry on. Even since 2002, he had to deal with a lot of my problems with David on and off.

A sample of a conversation we had September 21, 2012:
12:05:46 AM
ramzacub: You know how I feel... it's just traumatizing to see the man you loved for over 10 years just sink himself so much deeper in despair. To see a generally good man become so cold and selfish in a few years. He never realized how lucky he was to have me (not to stroke my ego, but my track record and reputation speak for themselves).
12:10:51 AM
frsnobear: Yeah I understand
12:13:19 AM
ramzacub: Sigh...
12:13:26 AM
frsnobear: <<>>
12:15:14 AM
ramzacub:  makes me wish it was you I met May 16, 2001...
12:17:10 AM
frsnobear: Well who knows
12:18:37 AM
ramzacub: if I were in Fresno though LOL!
12:21:53 AM
frsnobear: I could have moved to Canada
12:22:18 AM
frsnobear: had the option to move, took the immigration exam and passed
12:22:25 AM
frsnobear: with a 92%
12:23:53 AM
ramzacub: Hard to say if you would have been happy. Between Kirk and I, Kirk got the better end of the stick, I was unfortunate to end up where I am now. To be used and cast away,
12:24:33 AM
frsnobear: I think you both could have worked out well together
12:27:27 AM
ramzacub: I guess, but I'd always feel second fiddle to him. David would have chosen him over me in a heartbeat if that ever happened. More talent, more brains, can get a good paying job, it be hard to compete with that.
12:29:03 AM
frsnobear: everybody had something to offer
12:30:29 AM
ramzacub: I guess David could never see that in me or whatever I had wasn't enough.
12:30:51 AM
frsnobear: he is not a nice man

A conversation on September 9, 2014 we were talking about the late-Jim DeYoung and before Kevin signed off, we said this about our meeting for the first time in 2002:

10:52:21 PM
ramzacub: But was it true that Jim sent you my pic before we met?
10:52:32 PM
frsnobear: Yes it was
10:52:46 PM
ramzacub: I remember that for some reason.
10:53:08 PM
frsnobear: and he is the one that told me you and I would hit it off in more ways than one
10:53:24 PM
ramzacub: Yes, he was very sure I would be interested in you.
10:53:39 PM
frsnobear: he wasn't wrong
10:53:40 PM
ramzacub: heh, he was encouraging it. :x
10:54:13 PM
ramzacub: He was very smitten by Kirk.
10:55:10 PM
frsnobear: yeah also said that if Kirk wasn't around you might have became my cub
10:55:35 PM
frsnobear: :x
10:56:10 PM
ramzacub: Really? Smart man! Given that we were both Knights, it may have been reality. Ah well, fate declared that I get the short end of the stick. :x:-*
10:56:59 PM
frsnobear: I could have moved to Vancouver
10:57:37 PM
ramzacub: Possibly, or Seattle to make things easier as travel and meeting up at Knights events meant we could have been together a lot.
10:57:49 PM
frsnobear: Yeah

It's a shame I no longer have the earlier Yahoo IM and cellphone text conversations as I would have remembered more of Kevin's background. Skimming through the messages I did have, I noticed that he and I talked dirty to each other - I mean, did that kind of talk A LOT! The vast majority of times, I would be the one that would initiate it when the opportunity presented itself. A lot of it was my wanting to bareback and cum in him, which was a huge turn-on for us both. Like I mentioned above, I think after the first time I fucked him at Assembly 2006 in Seattle, he admitted to me in a Yahoo IM that "I'd love to have your cub cum inside me." I remember reading that statement and getting an instant hard-on. From then on, we would mention it a lot on and off online or in recent years, via text. Besides sexting, our conversations would get into matters of religion, politics, gay and bear culture, etc. I suppose he was raised in a somewhat religious household, but he was not religious himself. Surprisingly, he was politically moderate on issues and I'd argue was a Republican voter. We agreed on many things, though not everything, especially on religion. Early on, I told him I was generally fiscally liberal, but slowly as time went on and especially after I got my school custodian job, I became more fiscally conservative. I said that while I understood why I would take a more liberal position when younger and lower income, some of my reasoning didn't stand up to scrutiny so I eventually took a more conservative look.

As I mentioned above and I'll end on this, Kevin and I knew that if the situation was different, we could have ended up together. What worked against this was my birth year - had I been born in the mid-1970's, a good chance I would have joined the Knights in my very early 20's and we would have been introduced and fell in love. But it couldn't be. Fate determined that Kirk would meet him over a couple years before I did. I wrongly thought that I was fortunate with David and while there were positives in all our years together, the negatives that came later on did leave me with some regret and I envied Kirk more. They had a relationship, I basically didn't. Deep down, I was happy with the friendship Kevin and I had and that he loved me unconditionally even if we couldn't be partners. Admittedly in recent years with his health slowly going down, he seemed less interested in me and somewhat less cruising. It wasn't the same feeling we had even a decade ago. He still was faithful to Kirk while I was growing up and becoming more bear than cub. But we were still close and texting each other on WhatsApp. I am ever so glad I got to see him one last time last summer, even if we didn't snuggle or have one final opportunity for some bear lovemaking.

My world feels emptier now that he is gone because he was one of my best friends and one of the few bears I loved so deeply. To you Kevin, my heart says this: Kevin Caldwell, you were one of the nicest, most honorable men I have ever known. Your devotion to the Knights has kept us going and you were beloved by all of us. I enjoyed the friendship we had for over twenty years and my regret is that we didn't get to see each other more often. Had things been more in our favour, I gladly would have been your lover and husband. Kirk was really lucky to have found you first and admittedly, admired your devotion to him. Thank you so much for all the conversations we had and for being there during those dark times in my life. You were a good Daddy mentor to me when I needed it. Wherever you are in the afterlife, I pray I will see you again. You are a beautiful soul and I won't forget you! I love you, and God bless you!