FIC: This Is How It Feels (1/1)
I was going to spend the weekend doing some catch-up after the vacation and some personal financial work, honest. I did a little of the personal stuff, but work? Not a thing. Instead, I cranked this fic out, which took the better part of both days. I took the title from the song by Inspiral Carpets, but the tune (great as it is) has nothing to do with the fic.
Title: This Is How It Feels (1/1)
Author: LearnedHand
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Rating: 15+
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is owned by various corporate entities, and I am very, very happy that they haven’t taken steps to stop me from using their characters.
Summary: A mind is a terrible thing to waste. A mind-to-mind connection, even more so. But connections can be so unpredictable, sometimes.
Pairing: W/K and W/X.
Author’s Notes: This is my entry for invisionary's Old Friends With Indiscretions fic-a-thon. It is a stand-alone story, and not connected to anything else I’ve written. It is also proof that I am incapable of writing a truly short fic, and that some stories just don’t do what they’re told to do. I was originally shooting for pure fluff, just to see if I could, and then it looked like it was going to be nothin’ but porn, but it ended up being mostly friendly banter with a side of soft-porn and a dash of angst. Go figure.
The only fic-a-thon rules were that the story be 500 words minimum, and posted to the willowxander LJ community when done. My prompt was from ludditerobot: “Addis Ababa is seven time zones away from Rio.” This was due November 13, 2005. It is now March 6, 2006. Yes, I know I suck.
This story is all dialogue, even though only one word is spoken aloud in the whole thing. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
I have yet to discover the joys of having a beta reader, so please be tolerant of any errors you encounter. It’d be great if you could point them out to me, too, for the sake of future readers.
*************************************
Why Addis Ababa? Well, it seemed like the logical place to set up shop. If the African Union and the U.N. Economic Commission for Africa both have headquarters here, why not the Slayers Council, Or Organizational Brigade Involving Each Slayer?
*Snort*
Snort now, missy, but just you wait. I’m going to come up with the right words to make up the acronym “Scoobies” at some point, and when I do, I’m going to make everyone use it until Giles has to make it official. He should have known better than to try to get me to use that name he came up with. I mean, come on. The New Watchers Council? Lame. Not to mention a sucky acronym. I’ve just got to find the right words. Like, um, maybe the Secret Cadre Of Officials Bravely Initiating Each Slayer?
*Eye-roll*
Will, how in the world do you do that? I can only talk, or whatever you want to call it, over this connection, but you give me the full Willow experience in sense-a-round.
*You’ve never had the full Willow experience, mister. You’d know it if you had.*
---
*Xander?*
---
*Xander?!?*
Yeah?
*Where’d you go?*
I let go of that amplification amulet thingy for a second so I could shut my office doors. Figured I’d better take precautions if you’re in the mood for saucy talk.
*Well, don’t do that again without telling me, mister. For all I knew you could have been clubbed from behind by someone possessed by Ethros or something.*
Naah, I don’t think the two assistants the Council sent along are under the influence of some big, corrupting evil spirit thingy. Unless that’s what makes them love paperwork so much. You think that might be it?
*Possible, but I doubt it. Do they know what you’re getting up to behind closed doors?*
Well, I gave them my “time for private Council business, do not disturb” head nod right before I shut the doors, but that was it. Of course, I’ve only been at this for a couple of weeks, so it could’ve looked more like my “I’m going to take a nap now” head nod.
*Giggle*
Anyway, let’s see...Addis Ababa is seven time zones away from Rio, right?
*No, sweetie, it’s six time zones away. But, when I’m in daylight savings time like now, there’s only five hours difference, ‘cause Ethiopia doesn’t do the spring-forward, fall-back thing.*
That’s good. I never could get the hang of that anyway. I was always more of a fall-forward, spring-back kind of guy.
*Image of Xander falling on his face into a puddle*
*Image of Xander jumping back from something with a not-very-manly shriek.*
*Snicker*
Yeah, yeah, make fun of the clumsy guy with no depth perception. Y’know, it’s no fun not being able to send images back, ‘cause I’ve got a couple I’d really like you to see right about now.
*Well, I could do something about that, but that would involve me going into your mind and giving it a little tweak, and I don’t really think...*
Whoah, whoah, that’s okay, Will. Much as I’d like to have you see me sticking my tongue out at you, or see yourself surrounded by frogs, let’s not get into the brain modification thing. I’ll just do my best with my formidable language skills. I do have another question, though. How come we can talk to you in the first place? We’ve never really talked about how this thing works. And how come you can get through to us so much better than we can to you?
*It’s magic. Duh!*
Humph. You know what I meant.
*Hee, sorry. Couldn’t resist. Anyway, um, it’s like...all the brains in the world have this modem that connects them to the inter-brain-net, but they don’t really work that well. When someone like me with a nifty T-1 connection sends them a message, they get it, but all they can do is click “Reply” and send a message back to me. They can’t send a message to anyone else. Plus, they can only send out to me at dial-up speed, so all that goes out is the brain equivalent of voice. They’ve gotta upgrade their connection to a T-1 if they want to send the full-motion video and stuff.*
Oookay, I can just about follow that. But now that I know about my mental modem, how come I can’t use it to brain-talk to anyone I want?
*Because you don’t know anyone else’s mental e-mail address. If we upgraded you to the T-1 line-that’d be the brain tweak I was talking about-part of the package is a complete address book that lets you initiate any connection you want. So then, you could send messages out to anyone, along with being able to send pictures and feelings and stuff. But without the T-1 upgrade, you can’t initiate the connection, you can only respond.*
So what about when I’m talking to Buffy?
*That’s sort of a special “Reply All” thing I set up. I sent the original message to both of you, but it also gave each of you each other’s mental e-mail address. Except the metaphor kind of falls apart there, because if it was really like e-mail, you could use Buffy’s address to send a message straight to her, which you can’t. It works more like a party-line, like they used to have for phones, y’know? I set up a special party-line for the three of us, with one ring if one of you is trying to reach me, and two rings if you are trying to reach each other. Except that doesn’t really work, either, because I’m the phone company, too, and you’re using my lines to talk to each other...*
Whoah, whoah, wait a minute. You’re the phone company? So, you can listen in to me and Buffy when we talk to each other?
*Relax, Xander. I could listen in, but I don’t, ‘cause that’d be wrong. I’ve kind of cordoned off that part of my brain, so I only pick up anything when it’s so strong it breaks through the barriers, like if you guys were really angry and shouting at each other, I’d pick up a little of the negative vibe. That’s all.*
Oookay. So, um, have you?
*Have I what?*
Y’know, picked up any vibes, or whatever?
*Well, now that you mention it, I did feel something that felt a little bit like embarrassment tinged with glee a few days ago, but that’s all. One of you must have been really embarrassed and the other one must have been really happy about it for me to notice. So, what was going on? Dish, Xander!*
Oh, erm, you know, nothing much really. Just the usual Buffy teasing. I think I must’ve had louder than normal feelings ‘cause I was tired. That’s all.
*Pout*
No, really, it wasn’t anything. Let’s move on. Please?
*All right, I’ll let you off the hook for now. But I’m gonna find out sooner or later, buster.*
I don’t doubt it. Can we make with the moving on now?
*Right, consider us moved. So, why’d you want to know about the time zones, anyway?*
Oh, I was just trying to figure out what time it was over there, that’s all.
*You could’ve just asked, y’know.*
Yeah, I could’ve, but then I wouldn’t be able to figure out what time it was there to make sure I didn’t wake you up in the middle of the night in case I was the one that wanted to chat next time. I guess I could’ve figured it out if you just told me the time, but then I would’ve had to do the math in my head to figure out the formula, and as you know, I usually need help with the math.
*Resolve face*
Hey, what’s that for?
*Xander Harris, you are in charge of African operations for the New Watchers Council. You have a sizable budget and a growing inventory of weapons and spells and stuff. Plus, you were a construction foreman in the good ol’ days. I know darn well you can handle the math just fine. You shouldn’t play dumb with me, I know you too well for that.*
No more dumb-playing guy, check.
*And don’t you forget it.*
I won’t, I promise. Anyway, if you’re five hours difference, and it’s 9 here, that means it’s, what, 4 A.M. there? Egads, Will, you should have said something! What are you doing up? I’ll let you go, so you can get to sleep.
*No, don’t go, Xander! I wasn’t sleeping, don’t worry. I’m not tired, anyway. I mean, I’m not a Slayer, and I know I have to sleep as much as regular person, ‘cause sleep is real important, but I really don’t want to go to sleep right now, okay? So, let’s talk more about Addis Ababa. I still think you picked it for your headquarters just so you could say Addis Ababa all the time. It’s kind of fun to say, I admit. Ad-dis Ab-ba-ba.*
Will, consider this a serious look comin’ your way. No subject-changing. Why aren’t you asleep?
*Hey, we got to move on when you wanted, how come we don’t get to move on when I want?*
Because what I wanted to move on from was just embarrassing, but what you want to move on from has me worried, so I’m invoking my best-childhood-friend status to make you tell me what’s bothering you. You’ve been talking to me since, what, 3 A.M. your time? Sure, we Scoobs keep weird hours, but we’re not usually home and still up this late unless something bad’s a-brewin’. So make with the explaining, or I’ll call in reinforcements.
*Invoking best-childhood-friend status and threatening with reinforcements at the same time? Kind of gilding the lily, don’t you think?*
Don’t think that bringing up painted flowers is going to distract me. I’m focused. Like a camera.
*Are you an auto-focus camera, so I just need to get you to look elsewhere and your focus will change? Or are you a regular camera, so I just need to jiggle your arm a little to blur me up?*
Hey, you’re the one with all the book-learnin’, and even your modem metaphor didn’t hold up for too long. Cut me some slack with mine, okay?
*You didn’t use a metaphor, Xander. It was a simile.*
Look, Grammar Girl, you might think you’ve gotten me off-topic with your witty banter, but it didn’t work. Remember, this is the beginning of my work day, and I’m as sharp as I get. So, answer the question: why are you still up? Why hasn’t Kennedy dragged you to bed? Although, now that I think about it, you could be doing all this from bed, so maybe she already has...
*Xander, I love you dearly, but I do not think about you while I’m in bed with Kennedy, okay? And if I’m not thinking about you when I’m with Kennedy, I’m certainly not about to carry on a mental conversation with you while she’s putting her tongue bar to good use.*
Eep! Bad mental images! Bad Willow! Bad!
*Xander, I didn’t send you any images. Anything you’re seeing is all you.*
Oh. Um, sorry? Let me try that again...
Eep! Bad mental images! Bad Xander! Bad!
*Giggle*
So, anyway, I presume you talking to me now means Kennedy’s not there. Where is she?
---
Willow? You still there?
*Sniffle*
I get the feeling I’d be giving you a mental hug right now, if I could. What’s wrong? Where did she go? She didn’t leave you, did she? I never did get a chance to give her the shovel speech, and considering she’s all Slay-like now, she might not take it seriously anyway. So, um, do I need to sic Buffy on her?
*Sigh. No. At least, I don’t think so. I’ve been trying really hard not to check up on her, you know? I mean, I’m supposed to be witchy backup, so she’d call for me if she needed me for slay stuff, right? I can’t scry for her location, ‘cause that would be a non-trusty thing to do, not to mention totally self-serving and I’m really trying hard to stay away from that kind of stuff. But, she’s been staying out later and later for the past couple of weeks, and for the last couple days she’s been out past dawn. The only answer I can think of is that she’s got someone else, but I don’t want to think that, so I just worry that she’s dead, ‘cause that’s better.*
---
*That sounded really terrible, didn’t it? That it’s better that I worry she’s dead? I’m such a horrible person. Sniffle.*
No, I totally get that, I was just taking a minute to process. This is really hard without being able to see you. I don’t really know what to do. Are you looking for Support-o-Xander, Dear-Abby-Xander, or Shovel-Xander?
*Sigh. I don’t know what I’m looking for.*
Okay, Dear-Abby-Xander it is. Let’s see if this works.
Dear Restless in Rio:
You might be right. Your girlfriend might be seeing someone else. But there are many other reasons why she might be coming home later than usual recently. She might be tracking down a big vampire ring, and she hasn’t told you about it because she doesn’t want you to worry. She might be starting to feel the pressure and responsibility of being a Slayer, instead of just having a good time with it, so she’s increasing her patrol area. She might even be carving you a nice matching stake set of your very own for your birthday. But no matter what she’s doing, there is only one thing for you to do now: ask her about it. Don’t settle for anything less than a real answer. If it’s bad like you think, it’s healthier for everyone to get it out in the open so you can both move on. If it’s good, you’ll stop worrying and be able to sleep at night again. Don’t put it off. Ask her tonight.
Take care,
Dear-Abby-Xander
Boy, it’s hard to make the brain-talk sound like a letter. Did that make any sense?
*Snorfle. You really think she might be carving me a stake set?*
Snorfle? And hey, give me a break on the stake set. Abby has a staff of minions to come up with her examples and platitudes. I’m by my lonesome here.
*Snorfle: half-snort, half-sniffle. I wasn’t teasing about the stake set, I was thinking metaphor again. You really think she might be doing something nice for me?*
Honestly, I have no idea. You know Kennedy way better than I do. But I do know that there are more things other than sleeping around that might be keeping her out late. Plus, even a Slayer’s gotta be nuts if she’s gonna cheat on you. I mean, never mind the gorgeousness that is you. Just from a physical safety perspective, you’re a powerful witch who could track her down at any time, teleport yourself to her or her back to you, not to mention a lot of less-nice stuff.
*Yes, let’s not mention the less-nice stuff, please.*
Consider it not mentioned.
*Thanks. Hey, wait a minute. Gorgeousness?*
Excuse me?
*You said “the gorgeousness that is me.” You think I’m gorgeous?*
Of course I think you’re gorgeous. I might have lost an eye, but I’m not totally blind, you know.
*PLEASUREPRIDECONFUSIONLUSTSADNESS*
Whoah. Wow. What the heck was that?
*Sorry, what the heck was what?*
I just got this jumble of really-powerful feelings from you a second ago. Way different than anything else you’ve sent along. I’m glad I was sitting down, ‘cause I’m still kinda dazed.
*Oh, goddess. You felt that? You weren’t supposed to feel that! How could you have felt that? I’ve only been sending image-flashes with emotional resonance really, not full-blown emotions, ‘cause you shouldn’t be able to sense them. Hold on a second, I’ve got to check something...*
---
*Did you feel that?*
Nope. What’re you doing?
*I’m trying different emotions out, to see if one of them gets to you when I don’t consciously send it out. Here comes another one.*
---
*And another.*
*LUST*
Oh, I got that one all right. Less chaos, more pure that before, somehow, but still knock-you-back-on-your-heels powerful. And, um, if that was really directed at me? We so need to talk.
*Okay, we’ll talk in a second. One more to try, in case that one breaks through, too.*
---
*Nothing on that one, either?*
Nope, it looks like it’s just your, what, lusty feelings that get sent to me against your will?
*Looks like. I just went through the emotions that I thought I sent out, but I could have missed one. There are so many shades to emotions, too, it’s hard to test them all. But, it looks like any shade of lust gets through to you.*
What do you mean, shade of lust?
*You know, like how when you started off with Cordy, that was probably lust tinged with dislike. It’s very rare to have an emotion be totally pure, like pure hatred or pure love. It’s almost always got other emotions mixed in. That’s part of why you shouldn’t be able to pick up on any direct emotions.*
Huh?
*Sigh. Remember the inter-brain-net metaphor from before?*
Sure. Confused, yes. Short-term memory loss, no.
*Good. Remember how I said you’d have to have the T-1 line to send out pictures or video? Well, those can be received by the just-modem people. I’ve been sending you sound, pictures, or video, sometimes in such short bursts that all you got was the impression of something, like an eye-roll. But I haven’t been sending you the actual emotion of exasperation, just the picture and sound that convey the emotion. To send something as complicated as an emotion, or to start feeling what the other is feeling in real-time without consciously sending the emotion, both sides need to have the T-1 line. There’s just too much data flying around for a modem to handle. But you don’t have the T-1. And besides, it makes no sense that you’d only be able to sense emotions with lust in them. You either have the ability to make the full connection or you don’t. I’m...very confused.*
I’m glad I’m not the only one. So, who has the lust problem, you or me?
*Xander!*
Sorry, that sounded bad. What I meant was, does the fact that I can pick up your emotions with lust in them without the T-1 thing mean that there’s something strange going on in my brain, or that there’s something strange going on in your brain?
*Considering that both brains need to communicate fully for that kind of a connection to work, I’d say the problem is in both of our brains. Why?*
I think I know what’s wrong. The Fluke.
*Excuse me?*
Our formal-wear instigated fluking. We both felt really bad about it, we both tried to stop it, but we really couldn’t. Once the connection was made, it was like we couldn’t stop until the factory. Maybe we’ve got, I don’t know, a lust connection or something?
*But that’s...that’s...impossible! I mean, hello, gay now. So not lusting after the boy-types.*
But this was from before. Maybe once the connection is made, it never really goes away?
*That kind of thing just doesn’t happen. I mean, love at first sight, soulmates, sure, there is something to that. I’ve never really looked too much into that stuff, but maybe part of why that happens is because for some reason those people are able to make some sort of emotional connection between each other. But a lust connection? That’s absurd.*
Really? ‘Cause I think it makes a ton of sense. Obviously, you know way more about the magic of it, but based on observation and experience, it explains a lot of things. Why do people jump into bed with other people when they know nothing good will come from it? I mean, sure some guys are just thinking with their...
*Xander!*
Sorry, but you know what I mean. There are some couples that make no sense on any level but a physical one. If they don’t have a lust connection, why do they keep it up?
*So you’re saying, what, Parker and Buffy had a lust connection?*
No, I’m talking about a couple on equal terms. Parker took advantage of a younger and inexperienced Buffy, and besides, that was a one-night thing. I’m thinking more like Faith and Robin.
*I don’t think that’s just a simple lust connection. There’s MommySlayer/Daddy issues there, I think.*
Oh, no doubt. But why still Faith? I mean, sure, when it was just Buffy or Faith, Faith was the obvious choice. But we’ve got thousands of Slayers around now, many of them older than Faith and much easier to deal with. So why is Robin still with Faith? And why is she still with Robin? Faith’s got access to lots of older men now, and she’s not exactly known for relationship stability, but she’s still with him. Lust connection, I’m telling you.
*Okay, for argument’s sake, let’s say I go along with the lust connection concept. Why us? Why now?*
Well, I’m obviously just making this up as I go along, but bear with me for a second. Back in high school, pre-Oz, pre-Cordy, did you lust after me?
*Xander! I’m not going to tell you that!*
Look, if we’re going to figure this out, we’re going to have to be honest with each other. I promise, I’m going to be totally honest with you, too. Think Sherlock Holmes.
*What?*
This lust thing is a mystery to you, right? So, what does the detective do in a mystery? Gathers as much evidence as possible, even if it doesn’t seem to relate directly, because you never know what’s going to be the clue that breaks the case.
*Oh, all right. But if I get a sense you’re just fishing for compliments or blackmail material, I’m shutting you down in a nanosecond, understand?*
Yes, ma’am. Understood, ma’am. Permission to continue, ma’am?
*Snort. Just get on with it, Xander.*
Okay, sure. So, when did you start lusting after me?
*You don’t need to know that. But yes, I did lust after you pre-Oz.*
And even though we were best buds and spent so much time together, we didn’t get together pre-Oz. Why do you think that is?
*Because you were number than a pounded thumb and I was chicken?*
Valid points. But you had to know that I wasn’t thinking of you that way at the time.
*You were really subtle in your chasing after every girl that wasn’t me, but I did manage to figure that out, yeah.*
Your sarcasm, while not really necessary because I already feel about as bad as possible for not being aware of what it was like for you at the time, supports my point. There was no lust there from me. I loved you, sure, but it was totally sisterly. Did your lust for me go away when you started in with Oz?
*Of course it did. What kind of a girl do you think I am? I have never had you in mind while I’ve been with anybody. Not Oz, not Tara, and not Kennedy. Okay?*
And you can only lust after one person at a time?
*So, what, I’m this big hussy now, chasing every man or woman that walks by in a tight pair of jeans?*
No, Willow! That’s not it at all. Sigh. Maybe I’m going about this wrong. Let’s try something else. When Oz came back and you were getting started with Tara, did you still feel any lust for Oz?
*Maybe a little. But as soon as I got started with Tara, that all went away.*
Willow. Are you honestly telling me that you can turn your physical attraction to someone on and off like that? Even just through sense memory, there had to be a little bit of something there. Add in the length of time you were with Oz, mix with how he left, and it would have been unnatural for you not to still have some lusty feelings for Oz, even after he left.
*Sigh. Okay, fine, there might have been something there. Happy?*
This isn’t about me being happy, I’m just trying to prove my point. So, if you could have lusty feelings for Oz while you were with Tara, why couldn’t you still have lusty feelings for me while you were with Oz?
*Because...because Oz was my first! Special connection there, buck-o! You and I’d never done anything pre-Oz, so there’d be no reason for lingering lusty feelings.*
Then why The Fluke?
*That was...that was just clothes, and a fantasy from my past worming its way into the present.*
Then why did it keep going once we were back in regular clothes?
*Because I’d dreamed about being with you for years and years and years, okay? That wasn’t something I could just shut off, once it’d started. It was like I had this 13-year-old version of me inside my head that just wouldn’t let me stop.*
Okay, I get that, but don’t think it goes far enough. Can I tell you my theory now?
*Please, enlighten me.*
I’m going to use your inter-brain-net metaphor, okay?
*Fantastic. Just get on with it.*
Hey, no reason to get huffy. Remember, it was your emotional broadcast that started this whole thing in the first place.
*Glowers*
Oookay, then, my theory? I think all emotional connections are kind of like torrent files.
*Xander Harris. Have you been using Council computers to steal movies?*
Um, no comment? Anyway, let’s say that each emotion is its own folder of torrents, okay? So, people are walking around with their hate folder, and love folder, and lust folder, and all that. And each emotion folder has torrents for each separate person. Things really work out when the other person is broadcasting the same kind of torrent to you, so you set up this great torrent stream and build a really big file together which, depending on the emotion, can mean a really great friend, or a soul mate, or a mortal enemy, whatever.
Now, you and me, when we first met in kindergarten, started with the basic friends torrents, like caring, that kind of thing. Eventually, we got up to a love torrent. You had a lust torrent you were putting out there, but I wasn’t downloading it or broadcasting my own. Eventually, you put a lust torrent out there for Oz, which he immediately started downloading, but that doesn’t mean you took my address off your torrent broadcast list, at least not right away. You might have, eventually, but then The Fluke happened.
So, suddenly I started broadcasting a lust torrent to you, and you still had yours broadcasting to me a little, so we made a connection and you know what happened from there. Of course, like you said each emotion is tinged with others, so I’m really oversimplifying, but I hope you see what I mean.
*It’s kind of scary, but I think I do. Keep going.*
Eventually, you finally had enough and shut down our Lust torrent sharing. But once you start an emotional torrent, you can’t delete it like a computer torrent file, so the Xander Lust torrent just sits there, at 15% downloaded or whatever. Now, if you had no other contact with me after that, the Xander Lust torrent would probably just sit there and cause you no problems. But, each emotion is mixed in with others, so whenever there’s activity on the Xander Love torrent, or the Xander Worry torrent, or whatever, the Xander Lust torrent comes to your attention, a little. And it’s nagging at you, because you haven’t activated it in a while, but you keep ignoring it.
*How exactly do you think this led to my lust broadcasting to you?*
Well, when you are doing the brain-talky thing with me, you are linked up with my brain, right? So, that means the Xander Lust torrent is fairly close to my Willow Lust torrent. The other emotions, love, worry, disgust, whatever, all are activated from time to time, so there’s no pressure on them to make use of the brain-talk connection. But your Xander Lust torrent and my Willow Lust torrent are really pushing hard to reestablish the connection, so when you have any kind of lusty thought while connected to me, the Xander Lust torrent takes the opportunity and breaks through. It can’t fully activate, because you won’t let it, but it piggy-backs on your non-Xander lusty feelings to make a quick connection, bringing the rest of the emotions with it.
Does that make any sense?
---
Willow? Did you hang up or something?
*No, I’m thinking. Your explanation doesn’t sound as wrong as I thought it would.*
Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. Weren’t you just saying I wasn’t supposed to act dumb around you, ‘cause you know better?
*What? No, no, I didn’t mean I thought you were dumb. It’s just that you’re trying to explain a magical mental connection, about which you know just this side of nothing. Lots of potential for wrongness there. But your torrent idea kind of fits. I’d need to think about it a lot more, and write it down, and do some tests, but there’s only one thing that I can see wrong with it right now.*
Only one? Do tell.
*The Xander Lust torrent wouldn’t be able to piggy-back on any other lusty feelings. The only way it would be able to make a connection would be if I felt it, even if it was just for a split-second and was mixed in with a bunch of other torrents. Emotions can’t make themselves be felt; they either are felt or they aren’t.*
Well, I knew I couldn’t be all the way right.
*Hey, you did a really good job, considering you have no idea what you’re talking about.*
Snort. Gee, thanks.
*My pleasure. Now, I need to ask you a question.*
Um, okay, I guess. Shoot.
*Have you been activating your Willow Lust torrent lately?*
What? How? What?
*Xander, you promised. Totally honest, remember?*
Okay. Deep breath. Willow, I have something I need to tell you.
*Gulp. Um, okay. What is it?*
Willow, I’m...a guy.
*Xander! I was being serious!*
Hey, I am too! I think that you and Buff are so used to thinking of me as one of the girls that you forget sometimes. And I don’t think you really appreciate what being a guy means when it comes to lusty feelings.
*Is this where we get to the part about you being a total horn-dog?*
You’re beginning to sound like Faith, and not in a good way. No, I’m not a total horn-dog, just a guy. Guys, believe it or not, have lusty feelings for just about every woman they come across, at least a little.
*Oh, please. That’s such a cliché. Not to mention an excuse for bad behavior.*
No, really, it’s true. And it’s not an excuse for bad behavior, because most guys control it.
*So you’re trying to tell me you’ve had lusty feelings for everybody over the years? What about, oh, I don’t know, Chao-Ahn?*
Perhaps not full-blown lusty feelings, but definitely the occasional lusty thought that could’ve turned into lusty feelings if I let them.
*Dawn?*
Have you seen her in a swimsuit lately?
*Point. What about Joyce?*
Honestly, I had a couple of lusty thoughts, but they were kind of scary, so I tried to forget about them.
*Eww! You were thinking lusty thoughts about not just both daughters, but their Mom, too?*
Not at the same time or anything! Jeez, I’m a guy, but I’m not twisted.
*Says the guy with the full compliment of Summers Lust Torrents. And I’m still waiting on an answer on the status of the Willow Lust Torrent, buster.*
Sigh. In the spirit of total honesty, and with the protection of being on a separate continent, I admit to some recent activity on the Willow Lust meter.
*What? Really? But, why?*
In reverse order: I don’t know, yes, and you heard me. I think it might just have been because you were looking so happy before we all started heading out for our separate continents. There you were, still buzzing on the white magic a little even after all that time, and you were so happy, and peaceful, and closer to how you used to be in high school that you’ve been in years. I was so happy for you, and so proud of how far you’d come since, well, you know, and how good you were looking, and the “how good you were looking” started to morph, and the next thing I knew the Willow Lust Torrent was demanding my attention again.
*Xan, why didn’t you say anything?*
Snort. Say what, exactly? “Hey best bud, I know you’re not really into the male bits right now, and we’re about to head out to separate land masses, but I just wanted you to know that I’m really digging you right now!”
*Okay, maybe not, but you still should’ve told someone...wait, you did tell someone!*
Oh, no! I can’t believe you found out about that! I mean, it was just Robin, Giles, Andrew and me sitting around one night, braiding each others’ hair, and talking about our crushes, but you were never supposed to know. Darn your spying prowess!
*What? No, no, nothing like that. Although now I’ve got some very disturbing mental pictures, thank you very much.*
I aim to please.
*Wise guy. No, I mean that stuff I felt from you and Buffy the other day had to be about this, right? You felt really embarrassed telling her about it, and she was all happy about it, for some twisted Buffy reason.*
What, I can’t be embarrassed about something else?
*Xander, I told you, it has to be a really strong vibe for me to pick up on it. Or maybe, if your torrent theory is right, I’d pick up on it if it was about me, anyway. C’mon Xander, everything will make a lot more sense if the answer’s yes.*
Sigh. Alright, you’ve got me, the answer’s yes. But why does that mean everything makes more sense?
*Because you were talking with Buffy about lusting after me via my own brain. Sure, I didn’t pick up on the communication, but I did feel the vibe it was giving off. I’m sure that brought my Xander Lust closer to the surface.*
What, so it’s my fault again, is it? I thought your brain was doing the broadcasting here.
*I’m not talking about fault here, Xan. Remember, you said for something to be really strong, both of the people would have to have the same torrents going, right?*
Yeah, but...
*But nothing. Remember, an emotion can’t be forced or faked, it’s just felt. Maybe your vibe reminded me of my Xander Lust torrent, but that damn thing made its own way to the surface. And I didn’t push it back down. I toyed with it for a while, in part because I wanted to know why it was still around. It sounds like there’s been some mutual lusting going on, so no trying to take all the blame, you got that?*
Yes’m.
*My Xander Lust torrent seems to be strong enough to work together with your Willow Lust torrent to boost our connection so I can get lusty emotions through to you, even though that’s pretty much impossible. Hmm, I wonder if it works both ways. Xander, do you think you could try to send...*
LLLUUUSSSTTT
*PLEASURELUSTPLEASURE*
Oh, my.
*Oh goddess. Oh goddess. Oh goddess.*
Hey, Will? You okay, there?
*Do it again, Xander. Do it again!*
All right, here goes:
LLLLLUUUUUSSSSSTTTTT
*Oh...oh...oh!*
*PLEASURELUSTPLEASUREGUILTPLEASURELUSTLUSTLUSTPLEASURE*
Omigod...“Willow!”
*Pant pant pant*
Oops, looks like I said that last bit out loud. Deep breath. Gotta deal with the knocking assistants. Be right back.
*No problem. I need to get my breath back, anyway.*
---
---
Okay, I’m back.
*Shh. Let’s just sit back and enjoy for a minute, okay?*
Sure, no problem.
---
---
*Okay, I’m done. Thanks for waiting.*
That’s okay; I needed the break, too. But, um, what exactly did we just do? I mean, I’m pretty sure I know what just happened physically, but, I mean, how did we do that?
*Considering I don’t even know how all this is happening over this kind of a connection, I don’t know what you’re asking me.*
I think what I’m asking is: was it good for you?
*Snort.*
Seriously, though. I know what I felt coming from you, but I have no context, y’know? Put it in context for me.
*Okay, the short version? I was a little keyed up anyway, after a very stressful day and night, but that first Lust bomb you sent activated about every single nerve ending I have, including a lot of nerve endings that usually need a bit more, um, prolonged attention before really sitting up and taking notice. The second Lust bomb pushed me over the edge, brought me right back and pushed me over the edge two more times. What about for you?*
Well, for one thing, because I didn’t have any non-lusty emotions mixed in there, I think we just proved that guys are way more single-minded when it comes to this kind of thing.
*Chortle.*
I’m sorry: chortle?
*I was getting tired of sending the same images each time to conjure up a Snort. Back to the question, please.*
Sure thing. The mental pictures I came up with to get my first Lust bomb together was a pretty good starter. Your pleasure/lust response got me really fired up. Honestly, I almost lost it putting together my second Lust bomb, but your reaction to it? Let me put it this way: a few seconds later, I yelled your name. Out loud. And I never do that.
*Oh, right, assistants! I’m so sorry about that! How did you deal with them?*
Well, I’m really, really happy I’ve got this big ol’ wooden desk now, that’s for sure. Nothing was in plain sight, and I explained away the yelling your name thing as a reaction to a report I was reading of yours. That emergency change of clothes in the bottom drawer is going to come in handy, too.
*Okay, I’m done pretending I’m okay. Mental breakdown countdown?*
At about T minus 2 minutes and counting. You?
*Probably T minus 45 seconds and counting. Wanna fall apart with each other, or separately?*
Honestly, I think it’d be better alone. Is that okay?
*Sure, I understand. I think we’ve both got a lot of thinking to do.*
You more than me, ‘cause of the whole Kennedy thing. I was supposed to be helping, not making things worse. Sorry about that.
*Y’know, I find myself far less worried about what she might be up to than I was before, so that’s of the good. Of course, that’s more than outweighed by the fact that I’m calling my entire sexual orientation into question. Again. Sigh.*
Will, no matter where this ends up, you know I’ll always love you, right?
*Of course I do. I’ll always love you, too.*
Good. That’s good. I’m going to change my pants and then stare at the walls for the rest of the day. You get some sleep, okay?
*Headed there right now. D’you think you’ll be ready to talk when I get up?*
I don’t think so. I’ll probably need to sleep on it. Let the ol’ subconscious get the chance to sort through stuff, that kind of thing.
*No problem. So, if I’m still up late at night here, can I call you first thing tomorrow morning your time?*
If you’re up, go ahead. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume you got to bed, and I’ll call you when you wake up instead.
*Sounds like a plan. In bed now; must sleep.*
LUST
*Xaaander! Don’t do that!*
Sorry, sorry. I just got a picture of you in bed in my head, and it kind of slipped out. We’ll have to practice some control when we talk next.
*Sounds like fun. Sleeping now. G’night, Xander.*
Good night, Willow. I love you.
*Love you too.*
---
---
*Xan?*
Mmm-hmm?
*Hang up the phone, Xan.*
No, you hang up first.
*Xander Harris, I might be about to pass out from physical exhaustion and emotional stress, but I can still teleport over there if I have to and kick your ass.*
Note to self: do not get in the way of an over-tired Willow and her pillow.
*Darn tootin’.*
Good night, Willow. Sleep tight.
---
---
*Xander!*
What! What is it!
*My brain: T-1 line, phone company. Your brain: pokey modem, party-line user. Guess who can hang up and who can’t?*
So you’re saying that I’ll never be able to win the you-hang-up-first game?
*No. So stop trying.*
Hmmph. You’re no fun.
*LUST*
Ahhhh. I stand corrected.
*IRRITATIONLUSTIRRITATION*
I get it, I get it. I’m going now. Love you.
*Love you, too. G’night.*
G’night.
---
---
---
Willow? Still up?
---
Heh. Won the hang-up game by TKO, ‘cause she fell asleep.
---
Sweet dreams, Willow.
Title: This Is How It Feels (1/1)
Author: LearnedHand
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Rating: 15+
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is owned by various corporate entities, and I am very, very happy that they haven’t taken steps to stop me from using their characters.
Summary: A mind is a terrible thing to waste. A mind-to-mind connection, even more so. But connections can be so unpredictable, sometimes.
Pairing: W/K and W/X.
Author’s Notes: This is my entry for invisionary's Old Friends With Indiscretions fic-a-thon. It is a stand-alone story, and not connected to anything else I’ve written. It is also proof that I am incapable of writing a truly short fic, and that some stories just don’t do what they’re told to do. I was originally shooting for pure fluff, just to see if I could, and then it looked like it was going to be nothin’ but porn, but it ended up being mostly friendly banter with a side of soft-porn and a dash of angst. Go figure.
The only fic-a-thon rules were that the story be 500 words minimum, and posted to the willowxander LJ community when done. My prompt was from ludditerobot: “Addis Ababa is seven time zones away from Rio.” This was due November 13, 2005. It is now March 6, 2006. Yes, I know I suck.
This story is all dialogue, even though only one word is spoken aloud in the whole thing. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
I have yet to discover the joys of having a beta reader, so please be tolerant of any errors you encounter. It’d be great if you could point them out to me, too, for the sake of future readers.
*************************************
Why Addis Ababa? Well, it seemed like the logical place to set up shop. If the African Union and the U.N. Economic Commission for Africa both have headquarters here, why not the Slayers Council, Or Organizational Brigade Involving Each Slayer?
*Snort*
Snort now, missy, but just you wait. I’m going to come up with the right words to make up the acronym “Scoobies” at some point, and when I do, I’m going to make everyone use it until Giles has to make it official. He should have known better than to try to get me to use that name he came up with. I mean, come on. The New Watchers Council? Lame. Not to mention a sucky acronym. I’ve just got to find the right words. Like, um, maybe the Secret Cadre Of Officials Bravely Initiating Each Slayer?
*Eye-roll*
Will, how in the world do you do that? I can only talk, or whatever you want to call it, over this connection, but you give me the full Willow experience in sense-a-round.
*You’ve never had the full Willow experience, mister. You’d know it if you had.*
---
*Xander?*
---
*Xander?!?*
Yeah?
*Where’d you go?*
I let go of that amplification amulet thingy for a second so I could shut my office doors. Figured I’d better take precautions if you’re in the mood for saucy talk.
*Well, don’t do that again without telling me, mister. For all I knew you could have been clubbed from behind by someone possessed by Ethros or something.*
Naah, I don’t think the two assistants the Council sent along are under the influence of some big, corrupting evil spirit thingy. Unless that’s what makes them love paperwork so much. You think that might be it?
*Possible, but I doubt it. Do they know what you’re getting up to behind closed doors?*
Well, I gave them my “time for private Council business, do not disturb” head nod right before I shut the doors, but that was it. Of course, I’ve only been at this for a couple of weeks, so it could’ve looked more like my “I’m going to take a nap now” head nod.
*Giggle*
Anyway, let’s see...Addis Ababa is seven time zones away from Rio, right?
*No, sweetie, it’s six time zones away. But, when I’m in daylight savings time like now, there’s only five hours difference, ‘cause Ethiopia doesn’t do the spring-forward, fall-back thing.*
That’s good. I never could get the hang of that anyway. I was always more of a fall-forward, spring-back kind of guy.
*Image of Xander falling on his face into a puddle*
*Image of Xander jumping back from something with a not-very-manly shriek.*
*Snicker*
Yeah, yeah, make fun of the clumsy guy with no depth perception. Y’know, it’s no fun not being able to send images back, ‘cause I’ve got a couple I’d really like you to see right about now.
*Well, I could do something about that, but that would involve me going into your mind and giving it a little tweak, and I don’t really think...*
Whoah, whoah, that’s okay, Will. Much as I’d like to have you see me sticking my tongue out at you, or see yourself surrounded by frogs, let’s not get into the brain modification thing. I’ll just do my best with my formidable language skills. I do have another question, though. How come we can talk to you in the first place? We’ve never really talked about how this thing works. And how come you can get through to us so much better than we can to you?
*It’s magic. Duh!*
Humph. You know what I meant.
*Hee, sorry. Couldn’t resist. Anyway, um, it’s like...all the brains in the world have this modem that connects them to the inter-brain-net, but they don’t really work that well. When someone like me with a nifty T-1 connection sends them a message, they get it, but all they can do is click “Reply” and send a message back to me. They can’t send a message to anyone else. Plus, they can only send out to me at dial-up speed, so all that goes out is the brain equivalent of voice. They’ve gotta upgrade their connection to a T-1 if they want to send the full-motion video and stuff.*
Oookay, I can just about follow that. But now that I know about my mental modem, how come I can’t use it to brain-talk to anyone I want?
*Because you don’t know anyone else’s mental e-mail address. If we upgraded you to the T-1 line-that’d be the brain tweak I was talking about-part of the package is a complete address book that lets you initiate any connection you want. So then, you could send messages out to anyone, along with being able to send pictures and feelings and stuff. But without the T-1 upgrade, you can’t initiate the connection, you can only respond.*
So what about when I’m talking to Buffy?
*That’s sort of a special “Reply All” thing I set up. I sent the original message to both of you, but it also gave each of you each other’s mental e-mail address. Except the metaphor kind of falls apart there, because if it was really like e-mail, you could use Buffy’s address to send a message straight to her, which you can’t. It works more like a party-line, like they used to have for phones, y’know? I set up a special party-line for the three of us, with one ring if one of you is trying to reach me, and two rings if you are trying to reach each other. Except that doesn’t really work, either, because I’m the phone company, too, and you’re using my lines to talk to each other...*
Whoah, whoah, wait a minute. You’re the phone company? So, you can listen in to me and Buffy when we talk to each other?
*Relax, Xander. I could listen in, but I don’t, ‘cause that’d be wrong. I’ve kind of cordoned off that part of my brain, so I only pick up anything when it’s so strong it breaks through the barriers, like if you guys were really angry and shouting at each other, I’d pick up a little of the negative vibe. That’s all.*
Oookay. So, um, have you?
*Have I what?*
Y’know, picked up any vibes, or whatever?
*Well, now that you mention it, I did feel something that felt a little bit like embarrassment tinged with glee a few days ago, but that’s all. One of you must have been really embarrassed and the other one must have been really happy about it for me to notice. So, what was going on? Dish, Xander!*
Oh, erm, you know, nothing much really. Just the usual Buffy teasing. I think I must’ve had louder than normal feelings ‘cause I was tired. That’s all.
*Pout*
No, really, it wasn’t anything. Let’s move on. Please?
*All right, I’ll let you off the hook for now. But I’m gonna find out sooner or later, buster.*
I don’t doubt it. Can we make with the moving on now?
*Right, consider us moved. So, why’d you want to know about the time zones, anyway?*
Oh, I was just trying to figure out what time it was over there, that’s all.
*You could’ve just asked, y’know.*
Yeah, I could’ve, but then I wouldn’t be able to figure out what time it was there to make sure I didn’t wake you up in the middle of the night in case I was the one that wanted to chat next time. I guess I could’ve figured it out if you just told me the time, but then I would’ve had to do the math in my head to figure out the formula, and as you know, I usually need help with the math.
*Resolve face*
Hey, what’s that for?
*Xander Harris, you are in charge of African operations for the New Watchers Council. You have a sizable budget and a growing inventory of weapons and spells and stuff. Plus, you were a construction foreman in the good ol’ days. I know darn well you can handle the math just fine. You shouldn’t play dumb with me, I know you too well for that.*
No more dumb-playing guy, check.
*And don’t you forget it.*
I won’t, I promise. Anyway, if you’re five hours difference, and it’s 9 here, that means it’s, what, 4 A.M. there? Egads, Will, you should have said something! What are you doing up? I’ll let you go, so you can get to sleep.
*No, don’t go, Xander! I wasn’t sleeping, don’t worry. I’m not tired, anyway. I mean, I’m not a Slayer, and I know I have to sleep as much as regular person, ‘cause sleep is real important, but I really don’t want to go to sleep right now, okay? So, let’s talk more about Addis Ababa. I still think you picked it for your headquarters just so you could say Addis Ababa all the time. It’s kind of fun to say, I admit. Ad-dis Ab-ba-ba.*
Will, consider this a serious look comin’ your way. No subject-changing. Why aren’t you asleep?
*Hey, we got to move on when you wanted, how come we don’t get to move on when I want?*
Because what I wanted to move on from was just embarrassing, but what you want to move on from has me worried, so I’m invoking my best-childhood-friend status to make you tell me what’s bothering you. You’ve been talking to me since, what, 3 A.M. your time? Sure, we Scoobs keep weird hours, but we’re not usually home and still up this late unless something bad’s a-brewin’. So make with the explaining, or I’ll call in reinforcements.
*Invoking best-childhood-friend status and threatening with reinforcements at the same time? Kind of gilding the lily, don’t you think?*
Don’t think that bringing up painted flowers is going to distract me. I’m focused. Like a camera.
*Are you an auto-focus camera, so I just need to get you to look elsewhere and your focus will change? Or are you a regular camera, so I just need to jiggle your arm a little to blur me up?*
Hey, you’re the one with all the book-learnin’, and even your modem metaphor didn’t hold up for too long. Cut me some slack with mine, okay?
*You didn’t use a metaphor, Xander. It was a simile.*
Look, Grammar Girl, you might think you’ve gotten me off-topic with your witty banter, but it didn’t work. Remember, this is the beginning of my work day, and I’m as sharp as I get. So, answer the question: why are you still up? Why hasn’t Kennedy dragged you to bed? Although, now that I think about it, you could be doing all this from bed, so maybe she already has...
*Xander, I love you dearly, but I do not think about you while I’m in bed with Kennedy, okay? And if I’m not thinking about you when I’m with Kennedy, I’m certainly not about to carry on a mental conversation with you while she’s putting her tongue bar to good use.*
Eep! Bad mental images! Bad Willow! Bad!
*Xander, I didn’t send you any images. Anything you’re seeing is all you.*
Oh. Um, sorry? Let me try that again...
Eep! Bad mental images! Bad Xander! Bad!
*Giggle*
So, anyway, I presume you talking to me now means Kennedy’s not there. Where is she?
---
Willow? You still there?
*Sniffle*
I get the feeling I’d be giving you a mental hug right now, if I could. What’s wrong? Where did she go? She didn’t leave you, did she? I never did get a chance to give her the shovel speech, and considering she’s all Slay-like now, she might not take it seriously anyway. So, um, do I need to sic Buffy on her?
*Sigh. No. At least, I don’t think so. I’ve been trying really hard not to check up on her, you know? I mean, I’m supposed to be witchy backup, so she’d call for me if she needed me for slay stuff, right? I can’t scry for her location, ‘cause that would be a non-trusty thing to do, not to mention totally self-serving and I’m really trying hard to stay away from that kind of stuff. But, she’s been staying out later and later for the past couple of weeks, and for the last couple days she’s been out past dawn. The only answer I can think of is that she’s got someone else, but I don’t want to think that, so I just worry that she’s dead, ‘cause that’s better.*
---
*That sounded really terrible, didn’t it? That it’s better that I worry she’s dead? I’m such a horrible person. Sniffle.*
No, I totally get that, I was just taking a minute to process. This is really hard without being able to see you. I don’t really know what to do. Are you looking for Support-o-Xander, Dear-Abby-Xander, or Shovel-Xander?
*Sigh. I don’t know what I’m looking for.*
Okay, Dear-Abby-Xander it is. Let’s see if this works.
Dear Restless in Rio:
You might be right. Your girlfriend might be seeing someone else. But there are many other reasons why she might be coming home later than usual recently. She might be tracking down a big vampire ring, and she hasn’t told you about it because she doesn’t want you to worry. She might be starting to feel the pressure and responsibility of being a Slayer, instead of just having a good time with it, so she’s increasing her patrol area. She might even be carving you a nice matching stake set of your very own for your birthday. But no matter what she’s doing, there is only one thing for you to do now: ask her about it. Don’t settle for anything less than a real answer. If it’s bad like you think, it’s healthier for everyone to get it out in the open so you can both move on. If it’s good, you’ll stop worrying and be able to sleep at night again. Don’t put it off. Ask her tonight.
Take care,
Dear-Abby-Xander
Boy, it’s hard to make the brain-talk sound like a letter. Did that make any sense?
*Snorfle. You really think she might be carving me a stake set?*
Snorfle? And hey, give me a break on the stake set. Abby has a staff of minions to come up with her examples and platitudes. I’m by my lonesome here.
*Snorfle: half-snort, half-sniffle. I wasn’t teasing about the stake set, I was thinking metaphor again. You really think she might be doing something nice for me?*
Honestly, I have no idea. You know Kennedy way better than I do. But I do know that there are more things other than sleeping around that might be keeping her out late. Plus, even a Slayer’s gotta be nuts if she’s gonna cheat on you. I mean, never mind the gorgeousness that is you. Just from a physical safety perspective, you’re a powerful witch who could track her down at any time, teleport yourself to her or her back to you, not to mention a lot of less-nice stuff.
*Yes, let’s not mention the less-nice stuff, please.*
Consider it not mentioned.
*Thanks. Hey, wait a minute. Gorgeousness?*
Excuse me?
*You said “the gorgeousness that is me.” You think I’m gorgeous?*
Of course I think you’re gorgeous. I might have lost an eye, but I’m not totally blind, you know.
*PLEASUREPRIDECONFUSIONLUSTSADNESS*
Whoah. Wow. What the heck was that?
*Sorry, what the heck was what?*
I just got this jumble of really-powerful feelings from you a second ago. Way different than anything else you’ve sent along. I’m glad I was sitting down, ‘cause I’m still kinda dazed.
*Oh, goddess. You felt that? You weren’t supposed to feel that! How could you have felt that? I’ve only been sending image-flashes with emotional resonance really, not full-blown emotions, ‘cause you shouldn’t be able to sense them. Hold on a second, I’ve got to check something...*
---
*Did you feel that?*
Nope. What’re you doing?
*I’m trying different emotions out, to see if one of them gets to you when I don’t consciously send it out. Here comes another one.*
---
*And another.*
*LUST*
Oh, I got that one all right. Less chaos, more pure that before, somehow, but still knock-you-back-on-your-heels powerful. And, um, if that was really directed at me? We so need to talk.
*Okay, we’ll talk in a second. One more to try, in case that one breaks through, too.*
---
*Nothing on that one, either?*
Nope, it looks like it’s just your, what, lusty feelings that get sent to me against your will?
*Looks like. I just went through the emotions that I thought I sent out, but I could have missed one. There are so many shades to emotions, too, it’s hard to test them all. But, it looks like any shade of lust gets through to you.*
What do you mean, shade of lust?
*You know, like how when you started off with Cordy, that was probably lust tinged with dislike. It’s very rare to have an emotion be totally pure, like pure hatred or pure love. It’s almost always got other emotions mixed in. That’s part of why you shouldn’t be able to pick up on any direct emotions.*
Huh?
*Sigh. Remember the inter-brain-net metaphor from before?*
Sure. Confused, yes. Short-term memory loss, no.
*Good. Remember how I said you’d have to have the T-1 line to send out pictures or video? Well, those can be received by the just-modem people. I’ve been sending you sound, pictures, or video, sometimes in such short bursts that all you got was the impression of something, like an eye-roll. But I haven’t been sending you the actual emotion of exasperation, just the picture and sound that convey the emotion. To send something as complicated as an emotion, or to start feeling what the other is feeling in real-time without consciously sending the emotion, both sides need to have the T-1 line. There’s just too much data flying around for a modem to handle. But you don’t have the T-1. And besides, it makes no sense that you’d only be able to sense emotions with lust in them. You either have the ability to make the full connection or you don’t. I’m...very confused.*
I’m glad I’m not the only one. So, who has the lust problem, you or me?
*Xander!*
Sorry, that sounded bad. What I meant was, does the fact that I can pick up your emotions with lust in them without the T-1 thing mean that there’s something strange going on in my brain, or that there’s something strange going on in your brain?
*Considering that both brains need to communicate fully for that kind of a connection to work, I’d say the problem is in both of our brains. Why?*
I think I know what’s wrong. The Fluke.
*Excuse me?*
Our formal-wear instigated fluking. We both felt really bad about it, we both tried to stop it, but we really couldn’t. Once the connection was made, it was like we couldn’t stop until the factory. Maybe we’ve got, I don’t know, a lust connection or something?
*But that’s...that’s...impossible! I mean, hello, gay now. So not lusting after the boy-types.*
But this was from before. Maybe once the connection is made, it never really goes away?
*That kind of thing just doesn’t happen. I mean, love at first sight, soulmates, sure, there is something to that. I’ve never really looked too much into that stuff, but maybe part of why that happens is because for some reason those people are able to make some sort of emotional connection between each other. But a lust connection? That’s absurd.*
Really? ‘Cause I think it makes a ton of sense. Obviously, you know way more about the magic of it, but based on observation and experience, it explains a lot of things. Why do people jump into bed with other people when they know nothing good will come from it? I mean, sure some guys are just thinking with their...
*Xander!*
Sorry, but you know what I mean. There are some couples that make no sense on any level but a physical one. If they don’t have a lust connection, why do they keep it up?
*So you’re saying, what, Parker and Buffy had a lust connection?*
No, I’m talking about a couple on equal terms. Parker took advantage of a younger and inexperienced Buffy, and besides, that was a one-night thing. I’m thinking more like Faith and Robin.
*I don’t think that’s just a simple lust connection. There’s MommySlayer/Daddy issues there, I think.*
Oh, no doubt. But why still Faith? I mean, sure, when it was just Buffy or Faith, Faith was the obvious choice. But we’ve got thousands of Slayers around now, many of them older than Faith and much easier to deal with. So why is Robin still with Faith? And why is she still with Robin? Faith’s got access to lots of older men now, and she’s not exactly known for relationship stability, but she’s still with him. Lust connection, I’m telling you.
*Okay, for argument’s sake, let’s say I go along with the lust connection concept. Why us? Why now?*
Well, I’m obviously just making this up as I go along, but bear with me for a second. Back in high school, pre-Oz, pre-Cordy, did you lust after me?
*Xander! I’m not going to tell you that!*
Look, if we’re going to figure this out, we’re going to have to be honest with each other. I promise, I’m going to be totally honest with you, too. Think Sherlock Holmes.
*What?*
This lust thing is a mystery to you, right? So, what does the detective do in a mystery? Gathers as much evidence as possible, even if it doesn’t seem to relate directly, because you never know what’s going to be the clue that breaks the case.
*Oh, all right. But if I get a sense you’re just fishing for compliments or blackmail material, I’m shutting you down in a nanosecond, understand?*
Yes, ma’am. Understood, ma’am. Permission to continue, ma’am?
*Snort. Just get on with it, Xander.*
Okay, sure. So, when did you start lusting after me?
*You don’t need to know that. But yes, I did lust after you pre-Oz.*
And even though we were best buds and spent so much time together, we didn’t get together pre-Oz. Why do you think that is?
*Because you were number than a pounded thumb and I was chicken?*
Valid points. But you had to know that I wasn’t thinking of you that way at the time.
*You were really subtle in your chasing after every girl that wasn’t me, but I did manage to figure that out, yeah.*
Your sarcasm, while not really necessary because I already feel about as bad as possible for not being aware of what it was like for you at the time, supports my point. There was no lust there from me. I loved you, sure, but it was totally sisterly. Did your lust for me go away when you started in with Oz?
*Of course it did. What kind of a girl do you think I am? I have never had you in mind while I’ve been with anybody. Not Oz, not Tara, and not Kennedy. Okay?*
And you can only lust after one person at a time?
*So, what, I’m this big hussy now, chasing every man or woman that walks by in a tight pair of jeans?*
No, Willow! That’s not it at all. Sigh. Maybe I’m going about this wrong. Let’s try something else. When Oz came back and you were getting started with Tara, did you still feel any lust for Oz?
*Maybe a little. But as soon as I got started with Tara, that all went away.*
Willow. Are you honestly telling me that you can turn your physical attraction to someone on and off like that? Even just through sense memory, there had to be a little bit of something there. Add in the length of time you were with Oz, mix with how he left, and it would have been unnatural for you not to still have some lusty feelings for Oz, even after he left.
*Sigh. Okay, fine, there might have been something there. Happy?*
This isn’t about me being happy, I’m just trying to prove my point. So, if you could have lusty feelings for Oz while you were with Tara, why couldn’t you still have lusty feelings for me while you were with Oz?
*Because...because Oz was my first! Special connection there, buck-o! You and I’d never done anything pre-Oz, so there’d be no reason for lingering lusty feelings.*
Then why The Fluke?
*That was...that was just clothes, and a fantasy from my past worming its way into the present.*
Then why did it keep going once we were back in regular clothes?
*Because I’d dreamed about being with you for years and years and years, okay? That wasn’t something I could just shut off, once it’d started. It was like I had this 13-year-old version of me inside my head that just wouldn’t let me stop.*
Okay, I get that, but don’t think it goes far enough. Can I tell you my theory now?
*Please, enlighten me.*
I’m going to use your inter-brain-net metaphor, okay?
*Fantastic. Just get on with it.*
Hey, no reason to get huffy. Remember, it was your emotional broadcast that started this whole thing in the first place.
*Glowers*
Oookay, then, my theory? I think all emotional connections are kind of like torrent files.
*Xander Harris. Have you been using Council computers to steal movies?*
Um, no comment? Anyway, let’s say that each emotion is its own folder of torrents, okay? So, people are walking around with their hate folder, and love folder, and lust folder, and all that. And each emotion folder has torrents for each separate person. Things really work out when the other person is broadcasting the same kind of torrent to you, so you set up this great torrent stream and build a really big file together which, depending on the emotion, can mean a really great friend, or a soul mate, or a mortal enemy, whatever.
Now, you and me, when we first met in kindergarten, started with the basic friends torrents, like caring, that kind of thing. Eventually, we got up to a love torrent. You had a lust torrent you were putting out there, but I wasn’t downloading it or broadcasting my own. Eventually, you put a lust torrent out there for Oz, which he immediately started downloading, but that doesn’t mean you took my address off your torrent broadcast list, at least not right away. You might have, eventually, but then The Fluke happened.
So, suddenly I started broadcasting a lust torrent to you, and you still had yours broadcasting to me a little, so we made a connection and you know what happened from there. Of course, like you said each emotion is tinged with others, so I’m really oversimplifying, but I hope you see what I mean.
*It’s kind of scary, but I think I do. Keep going.*
Eventually, you finally had enough and shut down our Lust torrent sharing. But once you start an emotional torrent, you can’t delete it like a computer torrent file, so the Xander Lust torrent just sits there, at 15% downloaded or whatever. Now, if you had no other contact with me after that, the Xander Lust torrent would probably just sit there and cause you no problems. But, each emotion is mixed in with others, so whenever there’s activity on the Xander Love torrent, or the Xander Worry torrent, or whatever, the Xander Lust torrent comes to your attention, a little. And it’s nagging at you, because you haven’t activated it in a while, but you keep ignoring it.
*How exactly do you think this led to my lust broadcasting to you?*
Well, when you are doing the brain-talky thing with me, you are linked up with my brain, right? So, that means the Xander Lust torrent is fairly close to my Willow Lust torrent. The other emotions, love, worry, disgust, whatever, all are activated from time to time, so there’s no pressure on them to make use of the brain-talk connection. But your Xander Lust torrent and my Willow Lust torrent are really pushing hard to reestablish the connection, so when you have any kind of lusty thought while connected to me, the Xander Lust torrent takes the opportunity and breaks through. It can’t fully activate, because you won’t let it, but it piggy-backs on your non-Xander lusty feelings to make a quick connection, bringing the rest of the emotions with it.
Does that make any sense?
---
Willow? Did you hang up or something?
*No, I’m thinking. Your explanation doesn’t sound as wrong as I thought it would.*
Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. Weren’t you just saying I wasn’t supposed to act dumb around you, ‘cause you know better?
*What? No, no, I didn’t mean I thought you were dumb. It’s just that you’re trying to explain a magical mental connection, about which you know just this side of nothing. Lots of potential for wrongness there. But your torrent idea kind of fits. I’d need to think about it a lot more, and write it down, and do some tests, but there’s only one thing that I can see wrong with it right now.*
Only one? Do tell.
*The Xander Lust torrent wouldn’t be able to piggy-back on any other lusty feelings. The only way it would be able to make a connection would be if I felt it, even if it was just for a split-second and was mixed in with a bunch of other torrents. Emotions can’t make themselves be felt; they either are felt or they aren’t.*
Well, I knew I couldn’t be all the way right.
*Hey, you did a really good job, considering you have no idea what you’re talking about.*
Snort. Gee, thanks.
*My pleasure. Now, I need to ask you a question.*
Um, okay, I guess. Shoot.
*Have you been activating your Willow Lust torrent lately?*
What? How? What?
*Xander, you promised. Totally honest, remember?*
Okay. Deep breath. Willow, I have something I need to tell you.
*Gulp. Um, okay. What is it?*
Willow, I’m...a guy.
*Xander! I was being serious!*
Hey, I am too! I think that you and Buff are so used to thinking of me as one of the girls that you forget sometimes. And I don’t think you really appreciate what being a guy means when it comes to lusty feelings.
*Is this where we get to the part about you being a total horn-dog?*
You’re beginning to sound like Faith, and not in a good way. No, I’m not a total horn-dog, just a guy. Guys, believe it or not, have lusty feelings for just about every woman they come across, at least a little.
*Oh, please. That’s such a cliché. Not to mention an excuse for bad behavior.*
No, really, it’s true. And it’s not an excuse for bad behavior, because most guys control it.
*So you’re trying to tell me you’ve had lusty feelings for everybody over the years? What about, oh, I don’t know, Chao-Ahn?*
Perhaps not full-blown lusty feelings, but definitely the occasional lusty thought that could’ve turned into lusty feelings if I let them.
*Dawn?*
Have you seen her in a swimsuit lately?
*Point. What about Joyce?*
Honestly, I had a couple of lusty thoughts, but they were kind of scary, so I tried to forget about them.
*Eww! You were thinking lusty thoughts about not just both daughters, but their Mom, too?*
Not at the same time or anything! Jeez, I’m a guy, but I’m not twisted.
*Says the guy with the full compliment of Summers Lust Torrents. And I’m still waiting on an answer on the status of the Willow Lust Torrent, buster.*
Sigh. In the spirit of total honesty, and with the protection of being on a separate continent, I admit to some recent activity on the Willow Lust meter.
*What? Really? But, why?*
In reverse order: I don’t know, yes, and you heard me. I think it might just have been because you were looking so happy before we all started heading out for our separate continents. There you were, still buzzing on the white magic a little even after all that time, and you were so happy, and peaceful, and closer to how you used to be in high school that you’ve been in years. I was so happy for you, and so proud of how far you’d come since, well, you know, and how good you were looking, and the “how good you were looking” started to morph, and the next thing I knew the Willow Lust Torrent was demanding my attention again.
*Xan, why didn’t you say anything?*
Snort. Say what, exactly? “Hey best bud, I know you’re not really into the male bits right now, and we’re about to head out to separate land masses, but I just wanted you to know that I’m really digging you right now!”
*Okay, maybe not, but you still should’ve told someone...wait, you did tell someone!*
Oh, no! I can’t believe you found out about that! I mean, it was just Robin, Giles, Andrew and me sitting around one night, braiding each others’ hair, and talking about our crushes, but you were never supposed to know. Darn your spying prowess!
*What? No, no, nothing like that. Although now I’ve got some very disturbing mental pictures, thank you very much.*
I aim to please.
*Wise guy. No, I mean that stuff I felt from you and Buffy the other day had to be about this, right? You felt really embarrassed telling her about it, and she was all happy about it, for some twisted Buffy reason.*
What, I can’t be embarrassed about something else?
*Xander, I told you, it has to be a really strong vibe for me to pick up on it. Or maybe, if your torrent theory is right, I’d pick up on it if it was about me, anyway. C’mon Xander, everything will make a lot more sense if the answer’s yes.*
Sigh. Alright, you’ve got me, the answer’s yes. But why does that mean everything makes more sense?
*Because you were talking with Buffy about lusting after me via my own brain. Sure, I didn’t pick up on the communication, but I did feel the vibe it was giving off. I’m sure that brought my Xander Lust closer to the surface.*
What, so it’s my fault again, is it? I thought your brain was doing the broadcasting here.
*I’m not talking about fault here, Xan. Remember, you said for something to be really strong, both of the people would have to have the same torrents going, right?*
Yeah, but...
*But nothing. Remember, an emotion can’t be forced or faked, it’s just felt. Maybe your vibe reminded me of my Xander Lust torrent, but that damn thing made its own way to the surface. And I didn’t push it back down. I toyed with it for a while, in part because I wanted to know why it was still around. It sounds like there’s been some mutual lusting going on, so no trying to take all the blame, you got that?*
Yes’m.
*My Xander Lust torrent seems to be strong enough to work together with your Willow Lust torrent to boost our connection so I can get lusty emotions through to you, even though that’s pretty much impossible. Hmm, I wonder if it works both ways. Xander, do you think you could try to send...*
LLLUUUSSSTTT
*PLEASURELUSTPLEASURE*
Oh, my.
*Oh goddess. Oh goddess. Oh goddess.*
Hey, Will? You okay, there?
*Do it again, Xander. Do it again!*
All right, here goes:
LLLLLUUUUUSSSSSTTTTT
*Oh...oh...oh!*
*PLEASURELUSTPLEASUREGUILTPLEASURELUSTLUSTLUSTPLEASURE*
Omigod...“Willow!”
*Pant pant pant*
Oops, looks like I said that last bit out loud. Deep breath. Gotta deal with the knocking assistants. Be right back.
*No problem. I need to get my breath back, anyway.*
---
---
Okay, I’m back.
*Shh. Let’s just sit back and enjoy for a minute, okay?*
Sure, no problem.
---
---
*Okay, I’m done. Thanks for waiting.*
That’s okay; I needed the break, too. But, um, what exactly did we just do? I mean, I’m pretty sure I know what just happened physically, but, I mean, how did we do that?
*Considering I don’t even know how all this is happening over this kind of a connection, I don’t know what you’re asking me.*
I think what I’m asking is: was it good for you?
*Snort.*
Seriously, though. I know what I felt coming from you, but I have no context, y’know? Put it in context for me.
*Okay, the short version? I was a little keyed up anyway, after a very stressful day and night, but that first Lust bomb you sent activated about every single nerve ending I have, including a lot of nerve endings that usually need a bit more, um, prolonged attention before really sitting up and taking notice. The second Lust bomb pushed me over the edge, brought me right back and pushed me over the edge two more times. What about for you?*
Well, for one thing, because I didn’t have any non-lusty emotions mixed in there, I think we just proved that guys are way more single-minded when it comes to this kind of thing.
*Chortle.*
I’m sorry: chortle?
*I was getting tired of sending the same images each time to conjure up a Snort. Back to the question, please.*
Sure thing. The mental pictures I came up with to get my first Lust bomb together was a pretty good starter. Your pleasure/lust response got me really fired up. Honestly, I almost lost it putting together my second Lust bomb, but your reaction to it? Let me put it this way: a few seconds later, I yelled your name. Out loud. And I never do that.
*Oh, right, assistants! I’m so sorry about that! How did you deal with them?*
Well, I’m really, really happy I’ve got this big ol’ wooden desk now, that’s for sure. Nothing was in plain sight, and I explained away the yelling your name thing as a reaction to a report I was reading of yours. That emergency change of clothes in the bottom drawer is going to come in handy, too.
*Okay, I’m done pretending I’m okay. Mental breakdown countdown?*
At about T minus 2 minutes and counting. You?
*Probably T minus 45 seconds and counting. Wanna fall apart with each other, or separately?*
Honestly, I think it’d be better alone. Is that okay?
*Sure, I understand. I think we’ve both got a lot of thinking to do.*
You more than me, ‘cause of the whole Kennedy thing. I was supposed to be helping, not making things worse. Sorry about that.
*Y’know, I find myself far less worried about what she might be up to than I was before, so that’s of the good. Of course, that’s more than outweighed by the fact that I’m calling my entire sexual orientation into question. Again. Sigh.*
Will, no matter where this ends up, you know I’ll always love you, right?
*Of course I do. I’ll always love you, too.*
Good. That’s good. I’m going to change my pants and then stare at the walls for the rest of the day. You get some sleep, okay?
*Headed there right now. D’you think you’ll be ready to talk when I get up?*
I don’t think so. I’ll probably need to sleep on it. Let the ol’ subconscious get the chance to sort through stuff, that kind of thing.
*No problem. So, if I’m still up late at night here, can I call you first thing tomorrow morning your time?*
If you’re up, go ahead. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume you got to bed, and I’ll call you when you wake up instead.
*Sounds like a plan. In bed now; must sleep.*
LUST
*Xaaander! Don’t do that!*
Sorry, sorry. I just got a picture of you in bed in my head, and it kind of slipped out. We’ll have to practice some control when we talk next.
*Sounds like fun. Sleeping now. G’night, Xander.*
Good night, Willow. I love you.
*Love you too.*
---
---
*Xan?*
Mmm-hmm?
*Hang up the phone, Xan.*
No, you hang up first.
*Xander Harris, I might be about to pass out from physical exhaustion and emotional stress, but I can still teleport over there if I have to and kick your ass.*
Note to self: do not get in the way of an over-tired Willow and her pillow.
*Darn tootin’.*
Good night, Willow. Sleep tight.
---
---
*Xander!*
What! What is it!
*My brain: T-1 line, phone company. Your brain: pokey modem, party-line user. Guess who can hang up and who can’t?*
So you’re saying that I’ll never be able to win the you-hang-up-first game?
*No. So stop trying.*
Hmmph. You’re no fun.
*LUST*
Ahhhh. I stand corrected.
*IRRITATIONLUSTIRRITATION*
I get it, I get it. I’m going now. Love you.
*Love you, too. G’night.*
G’night.
---
---
---
Willow? Still up?
---
Heh. Won the hang-up game by TKO, ‘cause she fell asleep.
---
Sweet dreams, Willow.