Fic: The Guidebooks Didn't Say Anything About This
Title: The Guidebooks Didn't Say Anything About This
Author: Lazaefair
Fandom: Veronica Mars/Harry Potter
Word count: 1415
Written for a friend. Yeah, it's unfinished. But it's been in my writing folder since last year and I'm probably never going to finish it. So, fuckit, I'm posting it.
"Petrificus Totalus!"
"Wh--"
Whatever that was, Veronica thought as she toppled over in a full body bind, I have got to get me one of those.
&
It turned out, the royalties from Big Murder, Small Town had been enough to send the author's beloved daughter to London for a summer vacation.
"Call it my 'I survived freshman year without getting knocked up or sentenced to 25 years in jail, or dying' gift."
Veronica's smile was dazzling. "I love you, Daddy."
"You know, most daughters don't wait to be sent off to London to say that to their fathers--" Keith remarked to an empty kitchen. His non-dead, non-pregnant, non-incarcerated daughter had already left to pack and call Mac.
Mac: "So, like, go forth. And consume disgusting amounts of fish and chips. And come home with one of those soldiers at Buckingham Palace."
Veronica: "I don't know, do you think I'd look good in the arms of a redcoat hottie?"
Mac: "You'd have to straighten his teeth with his rifle."
Veronica: "Adding a whole new meaning to the term 'metalmouth.'"
&
Some people didn't know when to leave a perfectly lovely, tourist-y afternoon the hell alone. Veronica had been enjoying being an ignorant Yankee rubbernecker for once.
Don't jump to conclusions, she soothed herself. It could be some sort of traveling public circus, or an over-the-top performance art group, or...
The explosions and screams, and what sounded like howled Latin profanities, derailed that train of thought. So did the slowly collapsing pillar, crumbling to pieces in front of her eyes and looking a lot like it was going to crush her to small pieces.
A body rolled out of the fray, bumping into her, its skin bubbling and smoking from whatever freaky energy beams were flying around. She bit her lip to stop the scream - he was definitely dead. And if Men In Black had been any indication, the crazy people were going to get out their flashy things soon and amnesiasize any poor schmucks like herself who still happened to be around. If they didn't bring the whole building down on her head first. Veronica dragged herself out of the rubble and fled.
&
The character outside her hotel door looked shifty. And he was holding the wooden stick that looked very similar to the sticks all the headcases had been carrying around the day before, the same ones that apparently channeled fatal spells...or laser beams. Damn. She was going to start talking about magicks and elves next if she didn't watch herself.
Well, first to deal with this. She swung the door open and quickly jammed the taser into the visitor's ribs. The electric crackling drowned out his yelping while the wooden stick - she should make it easier on herself and call it a wand, already - slid out of his hand and thumped on the thin carpet. Veronica grabbed his neck, dragging him into the room and pressing on the taser's trigger as hard as she could, and he crumpled to the ground. Neptune's tiniest PI uncharitably stuffed a handy sock into his mouth, snatched the wand, and sat on his chest.
"Now, let's not go through that again, shall we?" Veronica reached behind her to shut the door, but a reedy, brown-haired woman burst through first.
"Phil, what--oh, bollocks!"
"Don't move! Or he gets fifty thousand volts in the ribs." Veronica gestured at the taser, wishing for once that the handheld devices - so convenient for hiding in purses - looked more intimidating.
The brunette seemed to buy the bluff, pulling herself back and composing her expression. At least she didn't...uh...cast any spells. They both paused, breathing equally hard, though Veronica's heart raced when the woman spoke first. "Well. You seem remarkably unruffled about all this."
"Hey, I live in Neptune." The woman's face assumed a confused expression at that one, and Veronica hurried on, "Let's just say I've seen my share of dark, shocking things."
The brunette gestured with one hand. "May I request that you stop sitting on my trainee?"
Veronica shook her head. "Nope. I don't particularly feel like getting a lobotomy today, or whatever you people do. Promise me nothing happens and he won't get another dose." She paused. Oh, what the hell. "It'll be electrifying, let me tell you." Ba-dum bum shh.
"I could put you in a full body bind before you could move."
"I'm warning you, I have some practice pressing this trigger really quickly." She pushed the taser harder against the guy's ribs. He whimpered through the sock, something that sounded like, "Hermiofdghffione!"
"Oh, shut up, Phil--I could levitate you off, or hit you with a memory charm from here."
"I'm counting on your goodwill towards your fellow man."
The woman smiled thinly. "Can't have my fellow man running around babbling stories of magical secret agents to the police, I'm afraid."
"Is that the politically correct term these days?" Veronica smiled brightly in return. "Look, seriously, I promise I'll just go home and forget that I ever saw crazy people carrying around sticks and battling the forces of evil with them."
Tall, Thin, and Annoyed's eyes narrowed. Maybe it was a mistake to call her 'crazy.'
"...not that you're crazy. And, uh, you aren't on the side of evil, are you?"
And there was a smile at that one. Veronica liked that smile. It was a very non-threatening smile.
"Lucky for you, I think I like you," the woman said wryly. "Right, then. I, Hermione Granger, do solemnly swear that no harm will come to--"
"Veronica Mars," Veronica volunteered.
"--Veronica Mars, as long as she swears to keep what she has observed today a secret. And refrains from injecting fifty-thousand volts into myself, my trainee, or anyone else in the immediate vicinity." The tip of her wand wavered, and Veronica felt the truth of the promise sink into her bones. It was a damn unsettling feeling.
Granger efficiently flipped her wand up and tucked it back into her jeans.
"I'm pretty sure I won't be electrocuting myself anytime soon," Veronica remarked, but she slowly withdrew the taser and got up. Phil sprang up and raced behind Granger, standing awkwardly behind her and staring at Veronica.
Granger rolled her eyes and held out her hand. "His wand, please."
Veronica fingered the wand. It felt smooth and silky, like a really fancy conductor's baton, but completely normal. Completely normal wood - completely unremarkable wood. But she'd seen the spells yesterday.
"Can I have my sock back first?"
Phil started, remembered the cloth stuffed in his mouth, and spat it out on the ground. Granger rolled it towards Veronica with a delicately placed sneaker toe. Veronica hefted the taser and cautiously handed the wand over.
"You know," Granger remarked as Phil grabbed his precious wand and stuffed it into his shirt, "not many people react like this to...seeing us in action. I'm not sure you've never encountered magic before."
"Well, I'm pretty sure. I'm just a lowly PI - cheating spouses and petty thefts are what I deal in. Nothing remotely supernatural." Veronica smiled with what she hoped was an honest-looking smile.
"A private investigator?" And oh, that was not a speculative look at all. Granger reached into her pocket - Veronica surreptitiously moved her fingers back onto the taser trigger, but the other woman merely handed her a business card.
"I knew these would come in handy someday, I told Arthur so," Granger sounded a tiny bit triumphant.
She wasn't really all that much older, Veronica realized. "Department of Magical Law Enforcement?"
"Some issues have come up lately," the other woman said vaguely. "A couple of anomalies. It just so happens, we've been needing a private investigator, an outsider, to come in and aid. And they don't get much more 'outsider' than you, Miss Mars."
Veronica winced at the title. Held up her hands. "Look, whatever it is, I'm probably not qualified. I mean, it's..." she shrugged. "Magical Law Enforcement?"
Granger smiled conspiratorially, and Veronica remembered suspiciously the tingle she'd felt in her fingers when she'd touched the business card.
"Something to consider," Granger said airily. "Keep a positive frame of mind towards the offer, and you'll probably hear from us again. Have a nice day, Miss Mars."
And with a "Come along, Phil," tossed over her shoulder, she was gone. Veronica stood in her doorway with card and taser dangling from her hand, wrestling with disgustingly persistent curiosity already. She sighed.
Well, this wasn't going to ruin her vacation. At all.
Edit: Two follow-up ficlets here.
Author: Lazaefair
Fandom: Veronica Mars/Harry Potter
Word count: 1415
Written for a friend. Yeah, it's unfinished. But it's been in my writing folder since last year and I'm probably never going to finish it. So, fuckit, I'm posting it.
"Petrificus Totalus!"
"Wh--"
Whatever that was, Veronica thought as she toppled over in a full body bind, I have got to get me one of those.
&
It turned out, the royalties from Big Murder, Small Town had been enough to send the author's beloved daughter to London for a summer vacation.
"Call it my 'I survived freshman year without getting knocked up or sentenced to 25 years in jail, or dying' gift."
Veronica's smile was dazzling. "I love you, Daddy."
"You know, most daughters don't wait to be sent off to London to say that to their fathers--" Keith remarked to an empty kitchen. His non-dead, non-pregnant, non-incarcerated daughter had already left to pack and call Mac.
Mac: "So, like, go forth. And consume disgusting amounts of fish and chips. And come home with one of those soldiers at Buckingham Palace."
Veronica: "I don't know, do you think I'd look good in the arms of a redcoat hottie?"
Mac: "You'd have to straighten his teeth with his rifle."
Veronica: "Adding a whole new meaning to the term 'metalmouth.'"
&
Some people didn't know when to leave a perfectly lovely, tourist-y afternoon the hell alone. Veronica had been enjoying being an ignorant Yankee rubbernecker for once.
Don't jump to conclusions, she soothed herself. It could be some sort of traveling public circus, or an over-the-top performance art group, or...
The explosions and screams, and what sounded like howled Latin profanities, derailed that train of thought. So did the slowly collapsing pillar, crumbling to pieces in front of her eyes and looking a lot like it was going to crush her to small pieces.
A body rolled out of the fray, bumping into her, its skin bubbling and smoking from whatever freaky energy beams were flying around. She bit her lip to stop the scream - he was definitely dead. And if Men In Black had been any indication, the crazy people were going to get out their flashy things soon and amnesiasize any poor schmucks like herself who still happened to be around. If they didn't bring the whole building down on her head first. Veronica dragged herself out of the rubble and fled.
&
The character outside her hotel door looked shifty. And he was holding the wooden stick that looked very similar to the sticks all the headcases had been carrying around the day before, the same ones that apparently channeled fatal spells...or laser beams. Damn. She was going to start talking about magicks and elves next if she didn't watch herself.
Well, first to deal with this. She swung the door open and quickly jammed the taser into the visitor's ribs. The electric crackling drowned out his yelping while the wooden stick - she should make it easier on herself and call it a wand, already - slid out of his hand and thumped on the thin carpet. Veronica grabbed his neck, dragging him into the room and pressing on the taser's trigger as hard as she could, and he crumpled to the ground. Neptune's tiniest PI uncharitably stuffed a handy sock into his mouth, snatched the wand, and sat on his chest.
"Now, let's not go through that again, shall we?" Veronica reached behind her to shut the door, but a reedy, brown-haired woman burst through first.
"Phil, what--oh, bollocks!"
"Don't move! Or he gets fifty thousand volts in the ribs." Veronica gestured at the taser, wishing for once that the handheld devices - so convenient for hiding in purses - looked more intimidating.
The brunette seemed to buy the bluff, pulling herself back and composing her expression. At least she didn't...uh...cast any spells. They both paused, breathing equally hard, though Veronica's heart raced when the woman spoke first. "Well. You seem remarkably unruffled about all this."
"Hey, I live in Neptune." The woman's face assumed a confused expression at that one, and Veronica hurried on, "Let's just say I've seen my share of dark, shocking things."
The brunette gestured with one hand. "May I request that you stop sitting on my trainee?"
Veronica shook her head. "Nope. I don't particularly feel like getting a lobotomy today, or whatever you people do. Promise me nothing happens and he won't get another dose." She paused. Oh, what the hell. "It'll be electrifying, let me tell you." Ba-dum bum shh.
"I could put you in a full body bind before you could move."
"I'm warning you, I have some practice pressing this trigger really quickly." She pushed the taser harder against the guy's ribs. He whimpered through the sock, something that sounded like, "Hermiofdghffione!"
"Oh, shut up, Phil--I could levitate you off, or hit you with a memory charm from here."
"I'm counting on your goodwill towards your fellow man."
The woman smiled thinly. "Can't have my fellow man running around babbling stories of magical secret agents to the police, I'm afraid."
"Is that the politically correct term these days?" Veronica smiled brightly in return. "Look, seriously, I promise I'll just go home and forget that I ever saw crazy people carrying around sticks and battling the forces of evil with them."
Tall, Thin, and Annoyed's eyes narrowed. Maybe it was a mistake to call her 'crazy.'
"...not that you're crazy. And, uh, you aren't on the side of evil, are you?"
And there was a smile at that one. Veronica liked that smile. It was a very non-threatening smile.
"Lucky for you, I think I like you," the woman said wryly. "Right, then. I, Hermione Granger, do solemnly swear that no harm will come to--"
"Veronica Mars," Veronica volunteered.
"--Veronica Mars, as long as she swears to keep what she has observed today a secret. And refrains from injecting fifty-thousand volts into myself, my trainee, or anyone else in the immediate vicinity." The tip of her wand wavered, and Veronica felt the truth of the promise sink into her bones. It was a damn unsettling feeling.
Granger efficiently flipped her wand up and tucked it back into her jeans.
"I'm pretty sure I won't be electrocuting myself anytime soon," Veronica remarked, but she slowly withdrew the taser and got up. Phil sprang up and raced behind Granger, standing awkwardly behind her and staring at Veronica.
Granger rolled her eyes and held out her hand. "His wand, please."
Veronica fingered the wand. It felt smooth and silky, like a really fancy conductor's baton, but completely normal. Completely normal wood - completely unremarkable wood. But she'd seen the spells yesterday.
"Can I have my sock back first?"
Phil started, remembered the cloth stuffed in his mouth, and spat it out on the ground. Granger rolled it towards Veronica with a delicately placed sneaker toe. Veronica hefted the taser and cautiously handed the wand over.
"You know," Granger remarked as Phil grabbed his precious wand and stuffed it into his shirt, "not many people react like this to...seeing us in action. I'm not sure you've never encountered magic before."
"Well, I'm pretty sure. I'm just a lowly PI - cheating spouses and petty thefts are what I deal in. Nothing remotely supernatural." Veronica smiled with what she hoped was an honest-looking smile.
"A private investigator?" And oh, that was not a speculative look at all. Granger reached into her pocket - Veronica surreptitiously moved her fingers back onto the taser trigger, but the other woman merely handed her a business card.
"I knew these would come in handy someday, I told Arthur so," Granger sounded a tiny bit triumphant.
She wasn't really all that much older, Veronica realized. "Department of Magical Law Enforcement?"
"Some issues have come up lately," the other woman said vaguely. "A couple of anomalies. It just so happens, we've been needing a private investigator, an outsider, to come in and aid. And they don't get much more 'outsider' than you, Miss Mars."
Veronica winced at the title. Held up her hands. "Look, whatever it is, I'm probably not qualified. I mean, it's..." she shrugged. "Magical Law Enforcement?"
Granger smiled conspiratorially, and Veronica remembered suspiciously the tingle she'd felt in her fingers when she'd touched the business card.
"Something to consider," Granger said airily. "Keep a positive frame of mind towards the offer, and you'll probably hear from us again. Have a nice day, Miss Mars."
And with a "Come along, Phil," tossed over her shoulder, she was gone. Veronica stood in her doorway with card and taser dangling from her hand, wrestling with disgustingly persistent curiosity already. She sighed.
Well, this wasn't going to ruin her vacation. At all.
Edit: Two follow-up ficlets here.