Men... HUMPH!
I hasten to point out that (for now) this does not include my OWN man, who is delicious in all the possible ways, 'though if he messes up he's a goner.
What makes guys think they are gifts from above? What makes them think they are "all that" in bed? I'm not even coming CLOSE to saying that there aren't women like that around... we just tend to shy away from grabbing our crotches and telling someone of the opposite sex that they are gonna love a taste of what we've got for them. Therefore, in the interest of improved male/female relations (in all senses of the word), I give you *fanfare and shite*....
Lavender Jones's Guide To Fewer Fuckups™
If you don't like this list... go home and make your own, and leave me alone! My lj! MINE!
*Women don't like guys who constantly spout about how great they are. It's boring. We are supposed to occasionally boost your egos, not listen to you do the job yourself. Same with sex. That should be two people getting off... not just YOU. Think about it a minute. You'll get the picture.
*We're glad you have strengths and hobbies. We don't want to listen about them day in and day out. That's what your male friends and dogs are for. We are more than willing to share your interests on a "need to know" basis. Just the way you share ours.
*We don't care if you aren't interested in hearing what we have to say if "the game" is on (insert other stupid male excuse if preferred). We expect you to be alert and listen or NO SOUP FOR YOU!
*Women are mentally superior. It has been proven in a whole bunch of tests and junk in some University somewhere. So STOP spouting about how much you know all the time. You are BORING THE SHITE OUT OF US. Try asking us what WE think, for a change (unless you are my man - in which case you already have/I have told you whether you wanted to hear it or not, and you made me feel as though you did - and life is Rockin' The Casbah!).
*The correct answer to "does my ass look fat in these jeans"/"does this dress make me look fat" or ANY other question even REMOTELY similar is: "You have NEVER looked anything but beautiful and sexy in anything you wear. I think you may be the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on, and my heart still skips a beat when you walk into the room." Trust me, this WILL get you laid.
*Of COURSE we want you to take us out to dinner/movie/party etc. We are social creatures. We expect to be shown off for the incredible beings we are. We expect you to show how much you think of us by looking at NO other woman in the room, and by letting "the guys" know that you are proud to be with us. That's DUH territory, people. Get an "A" in this category or NO SOUP FOR YOU!
*We do not demand CONSTANT money spending. None of us want to be seen as that material, no matter how material we actually are. There ARE inexpensive romantic ways to handle this: a candle-lit movie at home with popcorn; wine or sparkling water in front of the fireplace.. we LIKE shite like this!
*Beer belches and farts aren't NEARLY as funny as you'd think.
*We LIKE guys who are sensitive. DEAL. We won't tell your friends if you feel THAT freaked out about it, but He Man was BORING too! So was "She Ra", BY THE WAY! What a DITZ!
*Self assurance is sexy. Overblown ego is a pain in the ass and should be left at the door. And YES this means YOU!
*Yes, you ARE supposed to tell us you love us - OFTEN. It is never to be implied or inferred. You are ALSO supposed to let us know how sexy and beautiful we are. It's in the contract you never signed: Page 43, section 8c, subsection ii.
*If you overdo the complements, etc, we get bored of that too. We are women, and you are supposed to be confused/mystified by us. Page 89, section 5b, subsection vi.
*When we ask you if you think another woman is pretty, you are NEVER to answer with anything but "What woman? The only woman I can see is you." This will also get you laid.
*Ok, so you have decided that we are The Goddess For You. That's nice. Get a life. This is the point where we need you to back off a bit and be a man who has friends. We have friends, and now that we have you we need you to go and play with yours so we can go hang with ours. Don't question this. It's how it works.
*Women love. We do that. We love shopping, we love shoes, we love our friends, we love our men. Saying we love you may not ALWAYS mean what you THINK it does. BREATHE!
*Don't TELL us how wonderful you are in bed. A)It spoils the surprise; B)If you are wrong, you look like a total TWAT and you STILL won't know how much you suck; C)Either we should tell you how good YOU are, or you should tell us how good WE are.. or perhaps both.
It should NEVER be you telling us about you. THAT'S boring too.
*RELAX! We don't expect NEARLY as much as you seem to think we do. Breathe and be real for a while. Life will roll along MUCH more smoothly.
So, summing it up: Don't be a pompous ass, make sure you let us know we are the ONLY woman you worship, keep all your ego shite to yourself because it's boring. There.. that's good I think. Any questions? NOT FROM YOU!!! NO SOUP FOR YOU!
This is Lavender Jones signing off from Holier-Than-Thou-Dom. Keep Your Stick On The Ice...I stole that from Red Green. He's Canadian too, Eh.
In other news... I REALLY relate to these lyrics. Here is a lnk to listen to a bit of the song, too. You'll need to go to the song "Feeling Way Too Damn Good".
I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me
You must've broke down
Coz you finally said that you would
But now that you're here
I just feel like I'm constantly dreaming
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way to damn good
For 48 hours I don't think that we left my hotel room
Should show you the sights
Coz I'm sure that I said that I would
We gotta make love just one last time in the shower
Well something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way to damn good
And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to damn good, oh
Feelin' way too damn good
Sometimes I think best if left in the memory
It's better kept inside than left for good
Lookin' back each time they tried to tell me
Well something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way too damn good
And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to damn good, oh
Feelin' way too damn good
Oh, oh, feelin' way too damn good
I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me
You must've broke down
Coz you finally said that you would
But now that you're here
I just feel like I'm constantly dreaming
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way to damn good
And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to damn good, oh, oh
Feelin' way too damn good
(I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me)
Feelin' way too damn good
(I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me)
What makes guys think they are gifts from above? What makes them think they are "all that" in bed? I'm not even coming CLOSE to saying that there aren't women like that around... we just tend to shy away from grabbing our crotches and telling someone of the opposite sex that they are gonna love a taste of what we've got for them. Therefore, in the interest of improved male/female relations (in all senses of the word), I give you *fanfare and shite*....
Lavender Jones's Guide To Fewer Fuckups™
If you don't like this list... go home and make your own, and leave me alone! My lj! MINE!
*Women don't like guys who constantly spout about how great they are. It's boring. We are supposed to occasionally boost your egos, not listen to you do the job yourself. Same with sex. That should be two people getting off... not just YOU. Think about it a minute. You'll get the picture.
*We're glad you have strengths and hobbies. We don't want to listen about them day in and day out. That's what your male friends and dogs are for. We are more than willing to share your interests on a "need to know" basis. Just the way you share ours.
*We don't care if you aren't interested in hearing what we have to say if "the game" is on (insert other stupid male excuse if preferred). We expect you to be alert and listen or NO SOUP FOR YOU!
*Women are mentally superior. It has been proven in a whole bunch of tests and junk in some University somewhere. So STOP spouting about how much you know all the time. You are BORING THE SHITE OUT OF US. Try asking us what WE think, for a change (unless you are my man - in which case you already have/I have told you whether you wanted to hear it or not, and you made me feel as though you did - and life is Rockin' The Casbah!).
*The correct answer to "does my ass look fat in these jeans"/"does this dress make me look fat" or ANY other question even REMOTELY similar is: "You have NEVER looked anything but beautiful and sexy in anything you wear. I think you may be the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on, and my heart still skips a beat when you walk into the room." Trust me, this WILL get you laid.
*Of COURSE we want you to take us out to dinner/movie/party etc. We are social creatures. We expect to be shown off for the incredible beings we are. We expect you to show how much you think of us by looking at NO other woman in the room, and by letting "the guys" know that you are proud to be with us. That's DUH territory, people. Get an "A" in this category or NO SOUP FOR YOU!
*We do not demand CONSTANT money spending. None of us want to be seen as that material, no matter how material we actually are. There ARE inexpensive romantic ways to handle this: a candle-lit movie at home with popcorn; wine or sparkling water in front of the fireplace.. we LIKE shite like this!
*Beer belches and farts aren't NEARLY as funny as you'd think.
*We LIKE guys who are sensitive. DEAL. We won't tell your friends if you feel THAT freaked out about it, but He Man was BORING too! So was "She Ra", BY THE WAY! What a DITZ!
*Self assurance is sexy. Overblown ego is a pain in the ass and should be left at the door. And YES this means YOU!
*Yes, you ARE supposed to tell us you love us - OFTEN. It is never to be implied or inferred. You are ALSO supposed to let us know how sexy and beautiful we are. It's in the contract you never signed: Page 43, section 8c, subsection ii.
*If you overdo the complements, etc, we get bored of that too. We are women, and you are supposed to be confused/mystified by us. Page 89, section 5b, subsection vi.
*When we ask you if you think another woman is pretty, you are NEVER to answer with anything but "What woman? The only woman I can see is you." This will also get you laid.
*Ok, so you have decided that we are The Goddess For You. That's nice. Get a life. This is the point where we need you to back off a bit and be a man who has friends. We have friends, and now that we have you we need you to go and play with yours so we can go hang with ours. Don't question this. It's how it works.
*Women love. We do that. We love shopping, we love shoes, we love our friends, we love our men. Saying we love you may not ALWAYS mean what you THINK it does. BREATHE!
*Don't TELL us how wonderful you are in bed. A)It spoils the surprise; B)If you are wrong, you look like a total TWAT and you STILL won't know how much you suck; C)Either we should tell you how good YOU are, or you should tell us how good WE are.. or perhaps both.
It should NEVER be you telling us about you. THAT'S boring too.
*RELAX! We don't expect NEARLY as much as you seem to think we do. Breathe and be real for a while. Life will roll along MUCH more smoothly.
So, summing it up: Don't be a pompous ass, make sure you let us know we are the ONLY woman you worship, keep all your ego shite to yourself because it's boring. There.. that's good I think. Any questions? NOT FROM YOU!!! NO SOUP FOR YOU!
This is Lavender Jones signing off from Holier-Than-Thou-Dom. Keep Your Stick On The Ice...I stole that from Red Green. He's Canadian too, Eh.
In other news... I REALLY relate to these lyrics. Here is a lnk to listen to a bit of the song, too. You'll need to go to the song "Feeling Way Too Damn Good".
I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me
You must've broke down
Coz you finally said that you would
But now that you're here
I just feel like I'm constantly dreaming
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way to damn good
For 48 hours I don't think that we left my hotel room
Should show you the sights
Coz I'm sure that I said that I would
We gotta make love just one last time in the shower
Well something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way to damn good
And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to damn good, oh
Feelin' way too damn good
Sometimes I think best if left in the memory
It's better kept inside than left for good
Lookin' back each time they tried to tell me
Well something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way too damn good
And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to damn good, oh
Feelin' way too damn good
Oh, oh, feelin' way too damn good
I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me
You must've broke down
Coz you finally said that you would
But now that you're here
I just feel like I'm constantly dreaming
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way to damn good
And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to damn good, oh, oh
Feelin' way too damn good
(I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me)
Feelin' way too damn good
(I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me)