Libido [THERAPY]
I'm a fan of Daria, and the last two episodes of this animated series struck a deep chord with me (warning - intimate sexual details about me in the following cuts - if you don't want to know, don't look).
My Night with Daria
The 2nd last episode "My Night with Daria" has Daria thinking that she has to lose her virginity to Tom (her boyfriend). At the last minute she chickens out and leaves Tom a not, expecting them to break up. Later in the park, they have the following conversation:
Tom - Okay, very content. The point is, you're not ready. I understand.
(pause)
Daria - No, you don't understand. It's not that I'm not ready. It's that I'm scared.
Tom - Same thing.
Daria - No, it's not the same thing. I just admitted that I'm scared. The thought of that much intimacy... it's just overwhelming to me.
Tom - Oh. (pause) Daria, you know I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable.
Daria - And even if I could handle it, what if you were disappointed? Our whole relationship could be ruined.
Tom - You don't want to have sex because you're afraid it'll hurt our relationship, and then you break up with me. Doctor, my head.
Daria - I thought that's what you'd want.
Tom - Think again.
(he kisses her)
Tom - You know, I think that, despite ourselves, we just reached a new level of intimacy.
Daria - And lived to tell about it.
Watching that scene, I could see myself in Daria. I tell myself that I want sex (after all "normal" people do, don't they?), but what I really want (or need) is intimacy. Truth is, sexual intercourse is overwhelming to me. Always has been, as long as I can remember.
Back in Perth, just after I began my transition (way back in 1994/1995) I used to get full body massages regularly (mostly, by chaosmanor, who's very good at that) and it helped a lot. There wasn't that much need afterwards to look for anything more. Round about this time too, I started taking on the label of being "bisexual"; but without "testing" that, it was more an intellectual stance than a statement of desire.
I thought that maybe that would lead somewhere, but it never really did. I made friends with people in the Bi groups in Sydney and else where, and often marched (like this year) with them in the Mardi Gras parades. But, with one exception, there was no "sexual blossoming", no development that went anywhere. And that exception was a brief fling that left me feeling like a piece of meat rather than a sexual being.
So I guess what I seem to want, isn't sexual intimacy (I can make do with "platonic intimacy", like massages) but emotional intimacy. But I've really been afraid of that too. In the past when I've lived with people it's been really hard for me to have healthy boundaries. I took on the idea of being "co-dependent" but maybe that too was more a convenience than anything else - an excuse to stay distant, to not make an effort. Maybe.
Guess what I'm getting at is, that my sexual drive just seems to be "fucked up" and more trouble than it's worth. Why beat myself up over something that seems more about me fitting in, than enjoying myself? In America I had a liaison with someone - it was nice - but it was more important in that it confirmed one thing - that my body configuration post-surgery works - it's responsive (hurray!).
Looking back that one thing seems to have been more important for me to know, than to actually be sexually intimate with someone else. My libido has long drained away. There's no (or very very little) desire to even masturbate. What drove the desire then, was the need to know (and now I do).
So what to do now? Big question, and no clear answer just yet. One thing though is that I think I need to put this in perspective, and not let "false desires" (or what a SubGenius would call False Slack) run my life. Just what the fuck is important to me, if not that?