Underneath a Stretching Skyline, verse #12 : A Thousand Cries Without a Tear
Title: A Thousand Cries Without a Tear
Author: Lauehime
Rating: Mature
Genre/pairing: H/C, Family, Angst, Gen
Characters: Sam, Dean, Lucifer
Word count: ~ 8,700
Warnings: Some cussing, alcohol abuse and withdrawal symptoms, moderate to high levels of angst
Summary: Sam cries out for help and Dean is concerned so he decides to help. He just doesn’t know what he’s gotten himself into this time.
Written for spnshannanigans’s prompt on ohsam which is “Sam's memories from hell threaten to overwhelm him every moment of every day. To calm the storm in his head, he comes to rely on either drugs or alcohol (or both). Dean allows this to continue (for now anyway) because he doesn't know how to help Sam and he can't stand the screaming”
Disclaimer: The show belongs to Kripke.
A/N: This is a series of verses. Every chapter can be read as a standalone (but it would make more sense if you’ve read at least some of them). Each verse has its own title based on the lyrics of the song Underneath a Stretching Skyline.
A/N2: I’m sorry for how long it took me to get this posted. I’d started writing this quite a while ago but when I went back to it and read it, it thought it was just terribly bad so I went back and rewrote it. I hope this one’s better!
I made a video for these verses. You can watch it HERE.
Feedback is love. Enjoy!
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It had grown to be more than a bad habit. It was his every day. In the morning, he used booze to spike his coffee. At diner, he found comfort in the many beers he drank. He then spiced his afternoon with regular shots of liquor. After that, they had to eat again and that only meant more beer. Finally, when they came back to the motel, he cursed the long days and drowned himself in anything he had left.
Dean watched his brother with a profound sadness. He just didn’t feel like he was the right person to preach. Still, something needed to be done or Sam would destroy himself completely.
On the days Sam didn’t drink himself into oblivion, Lucifer was all over him and mercilessly taunting him. It was just a matter of time before Sam crumbled. These days, he was either drunk or body rocking in a corner while haunted by memories Dean didn’t even want to venture into. Both options were bad enough to give him nightmares.
One day, he decided that he needed to try something or he’d lose his brother. Sam was obviously drunk for a change. They were in a bar and while Dean was trying to hustle pool to make some money, Sam was nowhere to be found.
As much as Sam was known as the psychic one, Dean didn’t need abilities to guess his brother’s whereabouts. After piling up a good amount of money, he made a beeline for the bathroom. As he’d imagined, his brother’s gigantic legs poked out of one of the cabinets.
“Sammy?” Dean tried. The only answer he got was the sound of retching and the horrible smell that traced a neat trail between himself and the toilet his brother was currently making friends with. He heard the racket of a sliding lock before more heaving echoed in the tiny restroom.
Dean pushed the door open as far as it would go; which means halfway until his brother’s most likely limp form stopped it from going further.
“I guess it’s what happens when you drink the whole bar to yourself.” He didn’t mean to tease. In fact, all he really wanted was for Sam to realize what he was doing to himself. He poked his head past the crack he’d made and pulled back just as quickly. With a hand covering his nose, he swayed from one foot to the other in hopes of finding a comfortable position.
“Holy hell, buddy. You gonna live?”
He heard a snort and a cough from the other side.
“Don’ think so…” Sam moaned between dry heaves. His struggle was audible.
“Yeah. I feel for you, man. I mean, look at yourself! You’re drunk eight days a week. You don’t take care of yourself, you hardly eat and when you do, it’s not exactly ‘cordon bleu’… And now this? This isn’t you, man,” Dean pointed out sadly. He only wished he could do something more to help. He hated seeing his little brother so helpless.
Sam snorted deeply, to the point where Dean couldn’t even tell if it was from annoyance or if it was his brother’s respiratory system that was failing him. And that was just one of those days.
“Dnnnn?”
“Yeah, Sammy?”
Sam’s voice was slurred past the usual point and Dean could swear he sounded like a scared kid.
“You mad?”
Dean felt a stab of sympathy for his brother. With everything going on, Sam still worried about what his brother might think of him. However mad he wanted to be, he couldn’t resist such Samness.
“No, buddy. I’m just worried about you, is all.” Dean admitted with a heavy heart at the sight of such misery.
“D’n… I’m soo… sorrrry. Lucifff… devil won’t go ‘way… only way he does is when…” Sam stopped and Dean could hear the sound of his brother’s wayward stomach. Seconds later, Sam choked on more bile.
“It’s okay. Just breathe through it,” Dean instructed. He hated the door that kept him physically separated from his brother. There was a beat of silence.
“D’n..! Help me… don’ wanna be like th’s… hate this…” Sam’s breathing was so slow that if he weren’t talking in long drawn sentences, Dean wouldn’t even notice that it was still there and working.
“Yeah, wait ‘til tomorrow morning.” It brought a sad smile to Dean’s face, but what really got to him was Sam’s call for help. Was his brother just saying this because he was drunk or did Sam really want out?
“Fuck you… Hate you,” Sam cursed, tensing up again as his stomach pumped itself one more time.
“Love you too, kiddo. Let’s get you out of here and we’ll deal with this in the morning.”
He heard Sam cough and spit the remnants of bile from his mouth. He then felt a slight push on the door and knew his cue when he saw it. He took a step back and watched as Sam awkwardly pushed the door with his foot. It only came back to him with a force and almost slammed him in the head.
“Careful, Sasquatch. You’re in no shape to take down that door.” Dean went to help his lanky brother with a lopsided grin. At least Sam wasn’t in one of those moods that made him so difficult to deal with. The eldest managed to help the other up while supporting him. Sam wouldn’t go far on his own two legs anyway.
“Alright, one foot at the time. C’mon, big guy,” Dean cheered. Sam’s head lolled on his neck but he managed to make it to the car without face planting. Folding his long legs into the vehicle was yet another challenge.
Once both settled, Dean careful steered the car away from the parking lot. They hadn’t reached the first stop sign before Sam started snoring. Dean thought that his brother would be a pain to arouse later, but then he pushed the idea away. They’d cross the bridge when they’d come to it.
It didn’t prove to be as hard as he thought. Sam startled awake when he parked the car in front of their motel room. “Motel?” he mumbled when he saw the sign on the door.
“Yeah. Your bed’s waiting for you”
Sam nodded. The sudden motion drained the color from his face. Dean didn’t miss the sudden pallor and knew instantly what was coming.
“Inside. Now.”
The instruction was clear, but it’s the tone that seemed to awaken something in Sam. The youngest managed to keep everything in until he reached the commode. That’s when things went south.
Dean pulled aspirin from his duffle and filled a glass of water. When the sound of retching died down, he went to the bathroom to help his brother. Sam was pale and leaning against the toilet as if it were the only thing holding him up. Dean carefully soaked a towel and wrapped it around his brother’s neck.
“How’re you feeling?”
Sam’s lids peeled open sluggishly and he gave his big brother a puzzled look.
“How does it look?” His sarcastic come back surprised Dean because it surely meant Sam was already doing better. Still, he didn’t look like he’d be running on all cylinders anytime soon.
“I’m sorry but you look awful, little brother. Here.” Dean handed the pills to his brother. Sam raised a shaky hand to catch them.
“Gee, thanks,” he mumbled before dry swallowing the tablets. He took the water Dean handed over to him anyway.
“Anytime.” Dean studied his brother closely and Sam squirmed under the scrutiny.
“Did you mean what you said at the bar?” Dean suddenly asked. He hadn’t forgotten and he really hoped Sam hadn’t either. His younger brother stared at him for what seemed like a long time, but it really must’ve been only a few seconds.
“Yeah. Help me, Dean. Please.”
Warmth spread inside Dean’s chest. He’d waited this moment for a long time.
“Okay. You can count on me, Sammy. I won’t let you down,” Dean assured. Sam nodded until he spotted Lucifer’s head inches from the doorway.
‘Oh did you hear that, Sammy? Your brother’s not letting you down! How about you return the favor for a change?’ Lucifer snickered wickedly and Sam had to bury his eyes into the crook of his elbow until he couldn’t see the devil anymore. Problem was he could still hear him all too well.
SNSN
It started the next morning. Sam had all his memories from the previous night, thanks to the tolerance he’d built over time. Any normal human being would be dead drinking only half of what Sam used to drink in a day.
Skipping the coffee sweetener wasn’t too hard. Sam could deal. Coffee was coffee and it actually soothed him after the rough night he’d spent in the almost cozy company of the commode. Dean was hovering a little more than usual, which was saying something. Sam pretended he didn’t notice the subtle stares he got from Dean.
Morning went by easier than Sam would’ve expected. They researched a case and Dean put him on computer duty, which kept him from thinking about alcohol. Dean even let Sam babble about useless trivia. The youngest could tell where his brother was coming from, but he did enjoy the reprieve.
It went all the way to diner time before he felt thirsty. The idea of a cold bear crossed his mind, but he pushed it away. He chugged a glass of icy cold water instead. When one wasn’t enough, he went for three more. Twenty minutes later, his bladder was threatening to explode.
As he was taking care of his personal business, he noticed a strange tingling in the tips of his fingers. He thought maybe the blood circulation in his hands had been cut off so he shook them to push the chills away. They eventually vanished on their own. Sam stared at his reflection in the mirror.
A familiar face poked from behind the shower curtain.
‘Yeah, you keep doing that, Sammyboy. Keep telling yourself you can do this. It might just work. I mean why wouldn’t you be able to control the poison that’s running inside your veins?’ Lucifer winked.
Sam’s heart picked up speed. When he turned around, the archangel smiled and disappeared. Sam let out a breath of relief, but a little voice at the back of his head wouldn’t shut up about the fact that the fallen angel would be back. It was just a matter of time.
When he came out of the bathroom, he was shakier than he had been all morning. He focused on taking deep breaths and shaking his hands whenever the tingling returned. These weren’t withdrawal signs, of course. He was just nervous because Lucifer was roaming around…
Diner wasn’t easy without his usual drink. Sam pushed food around his plate without hardly eating anything. His stomach was spinning too quickly. He was on constant watch out for any signs of Hell.
“So you think we should follow this lead?” Dean asked. He’d been talking about the research and possible hunt for about fifteen minutes. He looked up to realize that Sam wasn’t even looking at him, but actually anywhere but at him.
“Sam? Hey, you with me?” Dean’s voice was a little louder this time. Sam was still looking all around, oblivious to what was going on in front of him.
“Sam!” Dean barked impatiently, worry threatening to overtake him. The eldest was about to get up and do something when Sam startled and almost fell off his seat.
“Damn it, Dean! What is it?” Sam was obviously irritated which had Dean frowning.
“Anything you want to share with the class? You totally spaced out, man.”
Sam visibly deflated. “Sorry.”
Dean studied his brother thoroughly for a few more seconds before deciding to drop it. Sam wasn’t used to this after all. On any other day, Sam would already be drunk and out of it. He had to remind himself that his little brother needed time to get used to it.
“Is everything okay, now? Can I have your attention for five minutes?” Dean didn’t want to sound like he was pushing it, but then maybe hunting would distract his brother from whatever it was that followed him in his universe no one else had access to.
Sam nodded, visibly forcing his focus on his brother. Dean stared back for a few seconds, only making sure that the youngest was indeed with him this time.
“As I was saying, Bobby found a whole list of addresses that have been registered under names that we suspect to be Leviathans. One of them leads to an old factory that’s supposedly not too far from here. You wanna check it out?”
Sam nodded quickly, his eyes a little wider than they should have been by that time of day.
“Yeah, of course. Let’s check it out.” The answer was sharp and blurted out, but if Sam gave his green light, Dean would go with it.
“You sure you’re okay?” Concern flashed into his green eyes. Sam nodded stiffly and his eyes didn’t soften. Dean thought his brother appeared to be on the lookout for something. He just couldn’t tell if Sam was keeping an eye out for Lucifer or if he just tried to keep his head into the game.
“I’m fine,” Sam assured robotically. His eyes still roamed over the room too much for Dean’s comfort.
Then, Dean realized Sam had hardly touched his breakfast and he was still hungry after his. He figured his brother wouldn’t mind if he stole a bite or two. He grabbed his fork and started toward Sam’s plate.
At the sudden unexpected movement, Sam jumped out of his seat with one thought - blocking the oncoming blow. He grabbed Dean’s wrist with both hands and weighed his brother’s arm down against the table before he realized what he was doing. Dean was staring at him in shock. Sam blanched and let his brother’s arm go.
“S…sorry” he stumbled, wiping his sweaty palms against the fabric of his jeans. Somehow, he’d snapped back into reality in time to see what was about to happen. The thought of hanging around Dean suddenly made him nervous.
Dean rubbed the reddening hand-shaped marks on his forearm. “Jesus, Sam.”
Dean was still shell-shocked after his brother’s reaction. He would’ve ended with a broken arm if Sam hadn’t awakened when he did.
“I… I’m sorry, Dean” Sam stuttered. His eyes were wide as if he’d just seen a dead body. Dean noticed his brother’s genuine terror and any hint of anger he could’ve had vanished right away.
“It’s okay. I’m fine,” he assured, but his own eyes were still wide and staring back at Sam in shock.
Sam’s face crumbled. “I didn’t mean it! Maybe I should stay away. Don’t hesitate to lock me up if you have to.”
The youngest was in panic mode and Dean couldn’t help but remember the two times his brother had gone through withdrawal. This time was supposed to be different since it wasn’t demon blood Sam was detoxing from…
Dean raised both hands out in surrender and tried to hush his jittery brother. “Okay, okay. Listen to me. Sammy? Nobody’s locking you up, alright? We can get through this. I said I’d help you with this and I will.”
Sam searched Dean’s eyes for the moment they would betray his brother’s words. Only, Dean’s eyes didn’t falter and Sam finally relaxed. He took deep breaths and tried to calm his racing heart.
“That’s it. Just breathe. When it gets bad, remember to breathe. Got it?”
Sam nodded. Breathing in and out already made him feel better. All that stress had his head spinning and he didn’t know how much more of that he could take.
“Good. You up for the hunt?” Dean asked because really, he wouldn’t voluntarily put his brother in a dangerous position.
“Yeah, think so. Let’s go.” Sam nodded and blinked his eyes sluggishly. He himself wondered if that was such a good idea, but what could a little sweating and lightheadedness do to him?
But then, it only got worse. As Dean drove the Impala, Sam grabbed the leather from his seat and dug his nails into it. When he felt something tear, he had to lean back on clenching his fists upon themselves. His nails dug into the palms of his hands until they drew blood. Sam was hardly aware of the pain while he kept his eyes on the road and feared everything that they could encounter on the way.
What if they drove off the road? But Dean was a good driver, he wouldn’t let that happen. But then what if another driver pushed them off the road? There was no one around but what if? And if it wasn’t someone but something? What if they bumped something on the way? What if Leviathans found them and crashed their car?
Sam’s heart beat as fast as the Impala sped down the road. He could feel the thumps inside his head and they wouldn’t slow down. His breath started to catch at the bottom of his throat and he feared that he’d start choking soon. Sweat rolled down his skin and made him shiver.
“Sammy?”
That voice. It was the one that meant everything. Dean used it when he was concerned and while checking out on his brother. Sam could hear the are you okay? behind it.
“ ‘m okay. Just a headache,” he mumbled, closing his eyes. In a way, it was true.
Then there was that voice again at the back of his head. ‘Aw, Sammy. Lying to your brother again? Didn’t he tell you you could count on him? Or is it that you don’t want to let him down by telling him the truth?’
Sam pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes and rubbed them. It had been a long day and as much as his craving for alcohol was starting to go down, his stomach wasn’t going in the same direction. Sam felt uncomfortable and like he could be sick at any second.
“We there soon?” he asked through tight lips. He didn’t want to risk tempting his stomach.
Dean turned to look at him before settling his eyes back on the road. “Yeah, why? You okay?”
Sam rolled his eyes. “Can I just ask a question without making it seem like it’s all about me?” He was clearly annoyed and Dean was taken by surprise. He took a few seconds to find his voice again.
“Sure. Jesus Christ, I’m sorry.”
The youngest nodded as if to say ‘apology taken’. Dean relaxed in his seat, but he still stole glances in his brother’s direction every once in a while.
They found the old factory they were looking for. Luckily for them, the sun had set a few hours ago. At least this way they wouldn’t be an easy target. Dean parked in front of the factory and sprung out of the car to take a look at the place. It was deserted to say the least. The factory looked like it had been abandoned for years.
“Looks like we might have made a mistake on this one,” Dean prompted as he turned to take a look at his brother. Sam was leaning against the top of the car.
“I don’t know. If I wanted to plot something evil without people noticing, that’s the kind of place I’d come to,” Sam replied with a cautious expression.
Dean puckered his lips and cocked his head to the side. “Yeah, okay. Maybe. Makes sense! But there still isn’t any lead that we can follow…”
Sam cut him off before he could finish. “You sure?”
Dean frowned and stared at his brother questioningly. Sam moved his head towards something behind Dean’s head. The latter spun around and tilted his head back so that his eyes reached the height Sam was pointing to. There it was. There was a surveillance camera up there and judging from the looks of it, it had been installed long after the factory. Leviathans might still be behind this, after all.
“The little fuckers. I don’t know what they’re planning, but it surely stinks. They better hope I never find them,” Dean threatened through clenched teeth.
“Sure, Dean. What do we do now?”
Dean turned around to take a look at his brother. Sam looked beat. He was pale and shaky. Dean wondered if his brother could actually stand without leaning on the car for support, like he was doing at the moment.
“Let’s go back to the motel. You can take a beauty nap while I try to work my way through this security system,” Dean proposed. Sam looked like he wanted to complain, but then something in him just settled down.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” Dean echoed. He didn’t know his brother to be quite the quitter.
“Yeah. I’m beat. Let’s head back. Either way, there’s nothing for us here.”
Dean turned to take a last look at the place. As Sam said, there was nothing more they could do. He could only wish the tricks Frank had given him would help him pierce the security system. He’d be able to see what these cameras were looking out for.
“Alright, let’s go,” Dean conceded.
They slipped back into the car and drove back to the motel.
As soon as they got there, Sam headed for the shower while Dean settled on the laptop. He concentrated on remembering how to do this, but still didn’t miss the fact that Sam was taking longer than usual. Maybe Sam only needed space after such a day.
Eventually, Sam did come out of the bathroom. Dean couldn’t help but to think of something to say to tease his brother. That was his way of saying he’d been worried.
“Hey, you weren’t manscaping in there were you?”
Sam rolled in eyes in annoyance. “Bite me,” he spat back.
Dean shivered exaggeratedly. “Ew, no thank you,” he joked with a horrified face. Sam offered him a lopsided grin before plopping down onto his bed.
“Please, don’t watch porn when I try to sleep,” Sam threw with a grin. Dean saw the effort for what it was and smiled back at his brother’s attempts at normal.
“If I were you, I’d be more worried about letting some fingers out.” Dean winked and Sam stared back in horror.
“If you do that, I swear I’m gonna kill you.”
Dean chuckled to himself before going back to his task while taking a couple of peaks in his brother’s direction. Sam had stretched over the whole bed but he didn’t look peaceful, even in his sleep. His features were pinched and he twitched nervously from time to time.
Dean managed to connect the laptop to the cameras and cheered for himself, delighted with his own work. Sam wouldn’t believe him when he woke up. He stole another glance in Sam’s direction. That’s when he noticed that Sam was trembling. He frowned and got off his chair to get to his brother’s side.
He noticed then that Sam was mumbling softly. All those elements together had him worried and he raised a hand to Sam’s forehead. He only had time to register the heat waves coming from his brother’s skin when something grabbed him and went down on the ground with him.
As he got his brain to work again, he realized that what had him pinned to the ground was his enormous brother. Sam was holding him down with the help of his two-hundred-and-something pounds. Dean shook his head when he realized what was going on.
“Sam! Hey, it’s me.”
Sam’s eyes were glassy and hard, but seemed to soften at the sound of Dean’s voice. That was until recognition hit them and they filled with shame.
“Dean… I’m sorry…” he stammered. Dean could see just how confused his brother was and held no anger against him.
“It’s okay, don’t worry. But Jesus, Sammy. You’re burning up!”
As soon as Sam sat back on his heels, Dean pushed himself into a sitting position and studied his younger brother.
“Am I?” Sam asked, trying to look up at his forehead as if he could actually see the fever.
“Yeah. Let me get you some aspirin and water.”
Sam shrugged and leaned back against the bed so he didn’t have to waste precious energy on keeping himself upright. Dean came back quickly with pills and water. Sam downed them without hesitating.
“How’re you feeling?” Dean asked, thinking about just how many times he’d asked that question in the nearest past. Sam shrugged.
“Funny. But it’ll pass, I guess,” Sam tried although he wasn’t convincing himself. He didn’t feel like he was dying and he assumed that was a good start.
“If you say so… but then you’ll let me know if it doesn’t?”
Sam’s eyes met Dean’s and he could see the clear concern in them. Somehow, it made him feel better to know that Dean would have his six if anything happened. He finally nodded in reply.
“Good. Back to bed, now.”
Sam’s lips tugged into a smile despite himself. “Yes, dad.”
He pulled his heavy limbs off the floor and buried himself into the comfort of his bed. Hopefully, he’d sleep better this time around.
Winchester’s luck was close to none when they happened to wish for something they needed. Sam’s sleep was plagued by nightmares and he woke up out of breath and covered in sweat. Dean was waiting for him with aspirin and water. Sam took it gratefully.
“Hold on just a while longer. The symptoms should wear off soon,” Dean supported. Sam looked at him with a perplexed expression.
“Symptoms?” he echoed.
Dean pursed his lips. He knew better than to play coy with his brother. “C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. We’ll get through this, alright?”
Sam’s eyebrows arched. “We? Dean, you’re not the one who has to physically put up with this crap.”
“Maybe not, but I’m the one who hears you scream in your sleep.” Dean’s face didn’t reflect anger, but Sam felt guilty all the same. If his brother couldn’t sleep because of him, it still put him as a liability whether Dean admitted it or not.
“Sam, I can hear you beating yourself up. Just don’t, okay.”
Dean’s reassurances were honest and Sam felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.
The next night was worse. Sam was lying on his back and shivering like a leaf. Dean was sleeping in the bed next to him. Sam felt awful and didn’t want to wake his brother up, but everything was so wrong.
He was sweating and he was cold and he was petrified. He held the comforter up to his chin and looked everywhere around and above himself. Every sound made him flinch and the constant tightening of his muscles left him exhausted and in pain. His breath echoed in the small room and resonated back to his own ears. He was surprised it didn’t wake Dean up. He still couldn’t bring himself to disturb Dean from his precious sleep.
So he tossed and turned and muffled shrieks of terror when he thought he heard or saw something. That’s when he started to feel movement from beneath the covers on the bed. He couldn’t bring himself to look, but it definitely felt like something was crawling along his legs.
Without thinking, he jumped to his feet and ran as far away from the bed as he could. His heart was beating so quickly that he could feel its rattle inside every single inch of his body. The little motion left him out of breath.
He heard someone snickering and turned his head desperately. As he’d feared, Lucifer was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.
‘You sure you’re not losing your marbles here, Sam?’
Sam’s eyes widened with horror. So Lucifer was behind it all? The devil didn’t want him to get better so he played with his sanity until he broke?!
‘But you told Dean you could do it. Aww, that’s so sad… I mean, how is he going to react when he realizes your bravado was all an act to keep him from locking you up for good?” Lucifer jested.
“Just shut up, you fuckin’ son of a bitch! Get lost, you fuckin’ piece of trash!” Sam shouted with a force that made even the devil shiver. Dean woke up with a start. He was a hunter after all, and a hunter’s senses were sharp even in sleep.
“Sam?”
‘Oh Sammy, you woke Dean up. Such a fine way to treat your brother… you know, after everything he’s done for you.’ Lucifer gave him a pout of mock pity and Sam couldn’t hold back any longer. He threw himself at the devil and let his fists break loose.
“Woah, Sam!” Dean yelled as he sprinted behind his brother.
Sam’s mind was disconnected from his body for a few seconds too many. He punched and pushed and shoved until he couldn’t feel his knuckles anymore. Dean grabbed him from behind and tried to restrain him, but Sam was big and he didn’t go down without a fight.
“Sammy, c’mon! Calm the fuck down! Hey. Hey! Sam!” Dean tried as he readjusted his grip on his squirming brother. Sam’s skin felt like boiling water to the touch. The fever hadn’t gone down. In fact, it had probably gone up.
“Dean! Let…go! Gotta…” Sam fought to no avail. He was weakened by the fever and Dean’s hold was too strong.
“He’s not real, Sam. Don’t listen to him, he’s not real.”
Sam finally calmed when he realized he wouldn’t get out of this one. There was no way out and he’d only end up hurting Dean. He stopped fighting and his eyes slid toward the wall where the devil had been standing. Surely enough, there was no Lucifer. Instead, there were dents the size of his fists into the wall. He brought his knuckles closer to his face and noticed the blood covering them.
“Did I punch the wall?” Sam asked, suddenly aware of his surroundings. Dean’s dejected sigh was enough to answer his question.
“Please lock me up,” Sam blurted out. Dean was taken aback by the sudden demand from his brother.
“Are you seeing him right now?”
Sam shook his head. The only thing he saw was the damage he’d done and the blood that was all around.
“Okay, then. Let’s cool down before we get you cleaned up.”
Sam was amazed by how calm Dean remained through the whole situation. Between his punching at shadows and his fracturing his knuckles while leaving the wall bloodied, Dean kept his head straight and pulled out the first aid kit to clean everything up.
“I’m sorry,” was the words Sam managed to repeat like a mantra. He’d lost count of how many times he’d said it in the recent past. Dean could only relate.
“Don’t. It’s okay. Your fever’s up.” Dean handed the pills and Sam chugged them down. They knew the drill by then.
“Want anything to help you sleep?” Dean suddenly asked. Sam wasn’t sure he trusted himself with anything that was stronger than aspirin, but given his latest attempt to get some rest, he figured he could leave his worries aside for the sake of one night of sleep.
Once doped on the good stuff, he went back to bed and tried to clear his head.
Dean watched from the side only to make sure his brother fell asleep. Once he heard the soft snores, he settled back to his own bed and tried to bury his own worries in favor of letting sleep claim him. He’d have all the time in the world to worry about Sam in the morning.
Only, morning came too quickly. When Dean peeled his eyes open wondering what woke him, he noted that Sam was already up and about. He frowned in confusion, remembering that he’d given Sam the good stuff to make him sleep. How was his brother even awake?
“Sam?”
Sam hardly turned at the sound of his name. He was too busy pacing back and forth. Dean noticed something else. The blinds were pulled and all the lights were turned off. He extended his arm toward the light switch and flicked it on. The effect on Sam was immediate. His knees buckled and he fell into the bathroom.
Dean got up from his bed and ran after his brother. Sam was on his knees and dry heaving over the toilet. Nothing came out but a string of saliva mixed with bile.
“Hey, you okay?” Dean asked as he tried to mask the panic he felt inside.
Sam let his whole weight crash limply against the tiles that composed the floor.
“Where’s D’n” he breathed out, his eyes at half mast. Dean frowned.
“I’m right here, buddy.” To prove his point he knelt at his brother’s side. Sam didn’t even seem to see him.
“Need D’n,” he mumbled with eyes threatening to close.
“What can I do for you, champ?”
Dean waited, but no answer came from his brother except a choked gurgling sound.
“Sam?”
Sam’s lips parted and he sounded like he was gasping for air until his body started shaking with tremors that all came with more violence than the previous one.
“Holy shit, Sammy!” Dean ran behind his brother and tried to slide his body under Sam’s to keep the youngest from splitting his head open on the ceramic. The tremors died down as quickly as they came and Sam rested limply against Dean.
“S-Sam?” Dean always hated it with a passion with his little brother convulsed in front of him.
“Where ‘m I?” Sam’s voice was breathy as if his little fit had knocked the air out of him. Dean looked at the bathroom around them and turned back to his barely-with-it brother.
“We’re at the motel, remember?”
Sam squeezed his eyes shut when they crossed the path of the bathroom light. His body started to jerk again. Dean feared another fit when he realized it was the work of Sam’s stomach. He helped his brother to his side and Sam spat warm bile on the floor.
There was a sudden howling in the distance. Sam’s head snapped up.
“Hey, hey. Take it easy, will ya?” Dean instructed as his brother became rigid again.
But Sam only focused on the feral cries that seemed to be getting closer. There was no mistaking what was running toward them.
“No! Not this time! I won’t let you take him!” Sam cried as he tried to push himself away from Dean’s grasp in an attempt to get into a seated position.
Dean sighed sadly. “Don’t listen to him, Sammy. He’s not real,” he tried as he studied the tensed muscles in his brother’s back. Sam’s head snapped back into his direction.
“Who are you talking about?”
Dean was taken aback by the question. Sam’s eyes were glassy and unfocused and Dean caught himself wondering how bad it was this time.
“Who are you talking about?”
Sam’s eyes widened with panic. “The Hellhounds! We need to run, Dean! I can hear them coming closer. I won’t let them have you this time,” Sam urged frantically. A terrible feeling crept up Dean’s guts.
“Sam, I can’t hear anything. Nothing’s coming after us, man,” he tried but his words went through and through like air.
“They’re in the room, Dean! They found us and they’ll kill us if we don’t run!” Sam’s eyes were so wide and convinced that Dean had to take a look at the room to make sure that there were no signs of the beasts.
“Sammy,” Dean started, but he was cut off right away.
“Dean, they’ll…” but Sam never got to conclude his sentence either. His breath caught in his throat and he stiffly fell back to the floor where his limbs contracted and released repeatedly. Dean felt like he was the one who couldn’t breathe.
He started to put the pieces of the puzzle together and realized he’d overestimated the situation. Sam wasn’t just going through the slight nausea and mood swings of alcohol withdrawal. His brother was feverish, delirious and even seizing, for fuck’s sake!
It meant two things. For one, Dean had taken things too lightly and he seriously needed to get a change of plan soon before Sam croaked. Secondly and lastly, Sam had been drinking way more than he let on. Had Dean known how serious this was, he would have never let his brother sober up at once.
Frustrated yet terrified, Dean held onto his convulsing brother until the tremors died down. Sam wasn’t as aware this time as he’d been after the first fit. The youngest was staring aimlessly through occasional sluggish blinks. Dean would be a damn fool to let this go on any longer.
“Hey Sammy, you with me?” he tried while shaking his brother toward a sitting position. Sam fell limply as if all his body strength had been sucked out of him.
“I’m gonna get you some help, okay? Trust me. If I’d known, I would have never let it get that bad. I’m so sorry, buddy.”
Dean rolled Sam over gently and maneuvered him into a sitting position. The only proof that Sam was still in there was the occasional moan party that came through whenever Dean pulled at a string he should’ve left idle.
“Of course, you’d mind helping me out a little! You’re not heavy at all, you know. Don’t worry, I’ve got it,” Dean sighed as he dragged his slumbering brother to the car. Sam managed some movements in the process of fitting his body into the passenger seat. That’s about all the strength he had before giving in to the darkness.
Dean settled behind the wheel and gunned the engine. “You better not die on me, you hear?”
Sam remained passive which only fed Dean’s nervousness. He sped down the road then slowed again when his brother started seizing.
“Hey, none of this until we get to the ER! Capice?”
“D’n?”
Dean’s eyes snapped open in relief. So that limp slug next to him could still talk? It was about time it did!
“Sammy?”
“D’n? There are… Oh my fucking God, Dean!” Sam jolted awake and tried to fold his eternal legs onto the seat. Dean gripped the wheel tighter and alternated between checking the road and checking over his paranoid brother.
“What is it?” Dean didn’t see anything.
“Rats! The car’s full of rats!” Sam cried out. Even from where he sat, Dean could see the pearling sweat on his brother’s brow. He could only assume that Sam’s fever must have raised another couple of notches. Or maybe it was something else that pushed his brother toward a full blown psychotic break. Dean wasn’t sure whether he preferred this or the constant visits from Lucifer.
“Calm down, okay? If you stay calm, they won’t come near you,” Dean tried. It wasn’t much, but it kept Sam from squirming for a good thirty seconds before his brother started fighting them off again.
“Sam, just calm down!”
But Sam didn’t listen. If the car was big enough for him to stand, he’d probably be up and pacing. The only things that seemed to calm him were the fits, but Dean didn’t even start to like that option.
They reached the ER and Dean wasted no time in grabbing his little brother out of the car and walking beside him all the way to the sliding doors. People looked up when they walked in and then turned their eyes back to their own misery. Dean paid them no attention and carried his brother to the main triage booth.
“What’s up with him?” the nurse asked as soon as she saw Sam. Her face changed into one of concern.
“Alcohol withdrawal… for starters.”
She frowned and called him in with a sign of her hand. Dean carried Sam into the room and the nurse met them quickly. “Let’s get him lying down,” she proposed when she took in the vacant look in the tall man’s eyes.
Dean helped Sam down and turned him to his side so his brother faced the nurse. Within seconds, she had a pressure cuff around his arm, a pulse oximeter on his finger and a thermometer under his tongue.
The changes on her face didn’t please Dean at all.
“What’s the chief complaint?” She did need to ask, but seeing the appearing vitals on the screen, she would take this young man in even if the other guy said he was perfectly healthy.
“My brother’s quite the heavy drinker… but he hasn’t been drinking for a couple of days and he’s been all but fine ever since,” Dean admitted shamefully.
The nurse nodded and wrote Sam’s vitals down on the file she’d just opened for him. “Can you be a little more specific?” she asked as she looked back up to him.
Dean swallowed past the lump of fear in his throat. Sam had gone rather quiet on the gurney where he laid.
“At first he was irritable and spacing out like… a lot… but then there was the high fever, the sweating, the night terrors and the vomiting… And I didn’t get to the good part yet, because then the seizures and the hallucinations started.”
Her eyes widened. “Seizures and hallucinations?” she echoed. Dean nodded.
“Okay, I’ll call a doctor right away,” she informed before proceeding to the task. Dean turned to Sam.
“Sammy? You still with me?”
Sam didn’t look at Dean directly. He was busy staring all around and jumped at every noise that was too sudden or too loud. Dean went to grab his brother’s hand, but Sam flinched away from the contact.
“Sam?”
Sam’s eyes were wide and filled with fear. “What’s going on? Where am I?”
‘You’re in Hell, Sam. Look all around you! Confined spaces, scalpels and needles… kinda looks like the cage, don’t you think?’ Came the reply with that voice Sam dreaded so much. His eyes snapped into the direction it came from. Lucifer was sitting on the nurse’s chair and rolled himself back and forth.
“No. No! Go away!” Sam started to stand albeit unsteadily. Dean didn’t need a sixth sense to know what was going on. He was used to the hallucination, but when added to the rest of them and to the way Sam was completely disconnected from what was real and what wasn’t, Dean could tell it wasn’t going to end well. At least he had an excuse for the hell visions, which he couldn’t have explained to the medical personnel, otherwise.
“Sam,” Dean tried when his little brother went out of his way to reach the devil he was the only one to see. The nurse was faster than Dean and ran toward Sam after she’d called for backup.
“Sir, maybe you should sit down.”
Sam wasn’t listening to her and he was about a kilometer taller than she was. Pushing her aside was easy enough. Dean caught her and made sure she was okay before he went for his brother.
“Get out of my life! Go away!” Sam fumed as he reached the empty chair. Lucifer stood up to face Sam and shrugged.
‘I am part of your life, Sammy. This is your life. You didn’t think the American Apple Pie Dream was ever gonna be yours, did you? You’re the chosen one, brother. You’re the real antichrist! Isn’t that wonderful?’
Satan brightened as Sam’s composure deteriorated. The latter was ready to jump like a caged animal.
“Shut up…! Just shut… fuck…” Sam stammered before his knees buckled and he started going down. Dean was there to catch him in time. They both went down.
“Sammy, shhh. It’s okay, I’m right here.” Dean tried to be soothing, but Sam was on the verge of panic. It broke Dean’s heart to see his brother so weakened. “Just breathe through it,” he added when Sam’s gasps became audible.
Gasping turned to choking and Dean could tell what was coming next. As he’d silently predicted, Sam started to convulse against him. The backup personnel rushed into the room at the same time. The petite nurse had had time to pull herself back up.
“Alcohol withdrawal and possible DTs* with seizures. We need to stabilize him and then set up an IV,” she explained quickly while the staff started working.
Dean didn’t know what was going on, but his focus was solely on his brother. Sam fell limply against him and he could easily hear the deep breaths coming from his little brother.
“It’s okay, buddy. It’s over. They’re gonna give you the good stuff,” Dean cooed in his brother’s ear. Sam was barely with him, but Dean liked to believe that his words had an effect anyway.
A male nurse was coming toward them with a syringe. Dean scrutinized his every movement. The nurse noticed how his actions were surveyed and he tried to smile reassuringly.
“You took real good care of him,” the nurse noted. Dean didn’t see it as a compliment. This was his duty and not a question of how much quality he wanted to put into it.
“He’s my little brother.” It meant everything. At least, it did for Dean. The nurse seemed to understand anyway.
“Can I help you take care of him? I’ve got something here that’ll make the seizures go away. He’ll be able to relax a bit more…”
Dean would’ve liked the tone had he been eight, but then he understood what the nurse was trying to do. Seeing a loved one in pain was never easy and he preferred the babying to the ignorance of his veto toward his brother’s care. He nodded to let the nurse know that he could do his job and leaned closer to Sam’s ear.
“Sammy?”
Sam’s eyes fluttered, but he didn’t appear to have a lot of energy left in him. “D’n,” he moaned softly. To Dean it sounded like music.
“The nurse is going to give you something to help you sleep, okay? Just don’t fight it,” Dean warned. Sam caught sight of the needle in the nurse’s hand. Beyond the nurse was the shadow of the devil that had been tormenting him for too long.
‘See, Sammy. They’re putting you to sleep. Think you’ll wake up this time?’ Lucifer taunted with puckered lips.
Sam didn’t have much strength left, but he still tried to roll away. Dean noticed the change and the agitation and rolled his eyes in exasperation. If only Satan could leave his brother alone for five fucking minutes…
He leaned even closer to Sam’s hear and whispered for only his brother to hear. “Whatever he said to you, it’s not real. I’m here, Sammy. As long as I’m around, nothing bad’s gonna happen to you. I promise.”
Sam calmed enough to let Dean get a better hold on him. Dean pulled his brother to his chest and held him tightly with more affection than strength. The personnel didn’t miss anything from the scene. The nurse who had greeted them had to smile at how good Dean was at this. Those brothers had to be close, for she’d never seen a delirious patient calm so easily in his brother’s presence.
“Alright, Sam. You’re gonna feel a little pinch,” the male nurse warned. Somehow it got Sam nervous and he started squirming.
“Shhh, it’s okay. Let him help you,” Dean whispered with bated tenderness only Sam was allowed to hear. The youngest breathed deeply and Dean held him protectively.
The nurse nodded to let them know he was about to begin. Dean eyed him approvingly and the other man started the injection. Sam twitched from the needle, but it wasn’t enough to interfere with the procedure. Once the medicine was in, Sam let out a long breath and settled back limply against Dean.
The male nurse turned to the rest of the team and motioned for them to bring a gurney. It took four of them to move Sam from the floor and onto the bed. By the time Sam rested on his back on the gurney, he was starting to get slightly twitchy. It seemed much better from Dean’s point of view if he compared it to the full body seizures he’d witnessed before. They were able to start an IV and prepared to roll Sam away to one of the exam booths.
“We need to run some tests for the labs. It should help us figure out the right way to help your brother. You can sit in the waiting room in the meantime. We’ll come get you whenever you can see him,” the petite nurse informed with a smile.
“Thanks.”
“I’m Kate, by the way,” she said with a wink. Dean smiled sadly.
“I’m Dean.”
“Alright, Dean. Someone will let you know more about Sam when the time comes.”
Dean nodded. He hated that he couldn’t follow but, as sad as it made him to think about it, he knew there was nothing he could do to help his brother. He trusted the doctors to do their job.
He dragged his feet to the waiting room and picked a seat where he could keep an eye on the exam rooms. If someone came out, he would know. He didn’t need to wait for too long when Kate came back to find him with an unnerved expression. Dean’s stomach sank. What was wrong with his brother this time?
“Dean, we need your help,” she admitted as soon as she reached him. Dean’s eyes were wide from worry.
“What happened? Is he okay?”
She sighed and it was probably the only moment she let Dean see how tired she was. He could understand for he felt the same.
“He won’t go down. He was agitated when he realized you weren’t around and we gave him enough diazepam to knock out a horse. We can’t give him anymore or we’ll need to put him on mechanical life support. See, his body is shutting down like it should on this medication, but it’s him. He’s fighting it,” she explained. Dean rolled his eyes. Sam was such a Winchester after all.
“The stubborn little shit,” Dean blurted out without thinking. He darted for the room where Sam was.
Sam was propped up on pillows to keep him steady while he lay on his left side. The medical equipment had suddenly appeared all around and over him. If Dean had known how serious the whole thing would get, he would’ve brought Sam in sooner.
He went to stand by the side of the gurney where he was face to face with Sam. His little brother was obviously fighting sleep. Sam’s eyes were glassy and his lids kept trying to veil over his exhausted eyes. His lips parted slightly and Dean could hear Sam fight against the settling of his lungs, which seemed to make it hard for him to get in enough air; and that was on top of the aid of the supplemental oxygen he was already receiving.
Dean smiled sadly as he reached for Sam’s shaky hand. It felt clammy to the touch, but Dean didn’t care. He’d take Sam any way rather than no Sam at all. To his surprise Sam squeezed his hand with the little muscle function he had left. His glassy eyes watered. To Dean, it was Sam’s way of saying ‘I’m glad you’re here’.
“You can sleep now. I’m not going anywhere. Get some rest, Sammy.” He smiled again, but with more confidence this time. His little brother seemed to need a securing presence and he was more than happy to still be the one person who could provide that.
Sam’s lips tugged into a weak lopsided grin. His heavy lids went all the way down and Sam finally let out the long breath he’d been holding. His respiration evened out and just like that, Dean knew that Sam was finally sleeping and that everything would be better in the morning.
END
*DTs = Delirium Tremens (severe alcohol withdrawal)
Author: Lauehime
Rating: Mature
Genre/pairing: H/C, Family, Angst, Gen
Characters: Sam, Dean, Lucifer
Word count: ~ 8,700
Warnings: Some cussing, alcohol abuse and withdrawal symptoms, moderate to high levels of angst
Summary: Sam cries out for help and Dean is concerned so he decides to help. He just doesn’t know what he’s gotten himself into this time.
Written for spnshannanigans’s prompt on ohsam which is “Sam's memories from hell threaten to overwhelm him every moment of every day. To calm the storm in his head, he comes to rely on either drugs or alcohol (or both). Dean allows this to continue (for now anyway) because he doesn't know how to help Sam and he can't stand the screaming”
Disclaimer: The show belongs to Kripke.
A/N: This is a series of verses. Every chapter can be read as a standalone (but it would make more sense if you’ve read at least some of them). Each verse has its own title based on the lyrics of the song Underneath a Stretching Skyline.
A/N2: I’m sorry for how long it took me to get this posted. I’d started writing this quite a while ago but when I went back to it and read it, it thought it was just terribly bad so I went back and rewrote it. I hope this one’s better!
I made a video for these verses. You can watch it HERE.
Feedback is love. Enjoy!
SNSNSNSN
It had grown to be more than a bad habit. It was his every day. In the morning, he used booze to spike his coffee. At diner, he found comfort in the many beers he drank. He then spiced his afternoon with regular shots of liquor. After that, they had to eat again and that only meant more beer. Finally, when they came back to the motel, he cursed the long days and drowned himself in anything he had left.
Dean watched his brother with a profound sadness. He just didn’t feel like he was the right person to preach. Still, something needed to be done or Sam would destroy himself completely.
On the days Sam didn’t drink himself into oblivion, Lucifer was all over him and mercilessly taunting him. It was just a matter of time before Sam crumbled. These days, he was either drunk or body rocking in a corner while haunted by memories Dean didn’t even want to venture into. Both options were bad enough to give him nightmares.
One day, he decided that he needed to try something or he’d lose his brother. Sam was obviously drunk for a change. They were in a bar and while Dean was trying to hustle pool to make some money, Sam was nowhere to be found.
As much as Sam was known as the psychic one, Dean didn’t need abilities to guess his brother’s whereabouts. After piling up a good amount of money, he made a beeline for the bathroom. As he’d imagined, his brother’s gigantic legs poked out of one of the cabinets.
“Sammy?” Dean tried. The only answer he got was the sound of retching and the horrible smell that traced a neat trail between himself and the toilet his brother was currently making friends with. He heard the racket of a sliding lock before more heaving echoed in the tiny restroom.
Dean pushed the door open as far as it would go; which means halfway until his brother’s most likely limp form stopped it from going further.
“I guess it’s what happens when you drink the whole bar to yourself.” He didn’t mean to tease. In fact, all he really wanted was for Sam to realize what he was doing to himself. He poked his head past the crack he’d made and pulled back just as quickly. With a hand covering his nose, he swayed from one foot to the other in hopes of finding a comfortable position.
“Holy hell, buddy. You gonna live?”
He heard a snort and a cough from the other side.
“Don’ think so…” Sam moaned between dry heaves. His struggle was audible.
“Yeah. I feel for you, man. I mean, look at yourself! You’re drunk eight days a week. You don’t take care of yourself, you hardly eat and when you do, it’s not exactly ‘cordon bleu’… And now this? This isn’t you, man,” Dean pointed out sadly. He only wished he could do something more to help. He hated seeing his little brother so helpless.
Sam snorted deeply, to the point where Dean couldn’t even tell if it was from annoyance or if it was his brother’s respiratory system that was failing him. And that was just one of those days.
“Dnnnn?”
“Yeah, Sammy?”
Sam’s voice was slurred past the usual point and Dean could swear he sounded like a scared kid.
“You mad?”
Dean felt a stab of sympathy for his brother. With everything going on, Sam still worried about what his brother might think of him. However mad he wanted to be, he couldn’t resist such Samness.
“No, buddy. I’m just worried about you, is all.” Dean admitted with a heavy heart at the sight of such misery.
“D’n… I’m soo… sorrrry. Lucifff… devil won’t go ‘way… only way he does is when…” Sam stopped and Dean could hear the sound of his brother’s wayward stomach. Seconds later, Sam choked on more bile.
“It’s okay. Just breathe through it,” Dean instructed. He hated the door that kept him physically separated from his brother. There was a beat of silence.
“D’n..! Help me… don’ wanna be like th’s… hate this…” Sam’s breathing was so slow that if he weren’t talking in long drawn sentences, Dean wouldn’t even notice that it was still there and working.
“Yeah, wait ‘til tomorrow morning.” It brought a sad smile to Dean’s face, but what really got to him was Sam’s call for help. Was his brother just saying this because he was drunk or did Sam really want out?
“Fuck you… Hate you,” Sam cursed, tensing up again as his stomach pumped itself one more time.
“Love you too, kiddo. Let’s get you out of here and we’ll deal with this in the morning.”
He heard Sam cough and spit the remnants of bile from his mouth. He then felt a slight push on the door and knew his cue when he saw it. He took a step back and watched as Sam awkwardly pushed the door with his foot. It only came back to him with a force and almost slammed him in the head.
“Careful, Sasquatch. You’re in no shape to take down that door.” Dean went to help his lanky brother with a lopsided grin. At least Sam wasn’t in one of those moods that made him so difficult to deal with. The eldest managed to help the other up while supporting him. Sam wouldn’t go far on his own two legs anyway.
“Alright, one foot at the time. C’mon, big guy,” Dean cheered. Sam’s head lolled on his neck but he managed to make it to the car without face planting. Folding his long legs into the vehicle was yet another challenge.
Once both settled, Dean careful steered the car away from the parking lot. They hadn’t reached the first stop sign before Sam started snoring. Dean thought that his brother would be a pain to arouse later, but then he pushed the idea away. They’d cross the bridge when they’d come to it.
It didn’t prove to be as hard as he thought. Sam startled awake when he parked the car in front of their motel room. “Motel?” he mumbled when he saw the sign on the door.
“Yeah. Your bed’s waiting for you”
Sam nodded. The sudden motion drained the color from his face. Dean didn’t miss the sudden pallor and knew instantly what was coming.
“Inside. Now.”
The instruction was clear, but it’s the tone that seemed to awaken something in Sam. The youngest managed to keep everything in until he reached the commode. That’s when things went south.
Dean pulled aspirin from his duffle and filled a glass of water. When the sound of retching died down, he went to the bathroom to help his brother. Sam was pale and leaning against the toilet as if it were the only thing holding him up. Dean carefully soaked a towel and wrapped it around his brother’s neck.
“How’re you feeling?”
Sam’s lids peeled open sluggishly and he gave his big brother a puzzled look.
“How does it look?” His sarcastic come back surprised Dean because it surely meant Sam was already doing better. Still, he didn’t look like he’d be running on all cylinders anytime soon.
“I’m sorry but you look awful, little brother. Here.” Dean handed the pills to his brother. Sam raised a shaky hand to catch them.
“Gee, thanks,” he mumbled before dry swallowing the tablets. He took the water Dean handed over to him anyway.
“Anytime.” Dean studied his brother closely and Sam squirmed under the scrutiny.
“Did you mean what you said at the bar?” Dean suddenly asked. He hadn’t forgotten and he really hoped Sam hadn’t either. His younger brother stared at him for what seemed like a long time, but it really must’ve been only a few seconds.
“Yeah. Help me, Dean. Please.”
Warmth spread inside Dean’s chest. He’d waited this moment for a long time.
“Okay. You can count on me, Sammy. I won’t let you down,” Dean assured. Sam nodded until he spotted Lucifer’s head inches from the doorway.
‘Oh did you hear that, Sammy? Your brother’s not letting you down! How about you return the favor for a change?’ Lucifer snickered wickedly and Sam had to bury his eyes into the crook of his elbow until he couldn’t see the devil anymore. Problem was he could still hear him all too well.
SNSN
It started the next morning. Sam had all his memories from the previous night, thanks to the tolerance he’d built over time. Any normal human being would be dead drinking only half of what Sam used to drink in a day.
Skipping the coffee sweetener wasn’t too hard. Sam could deal. Coffee was coffee and it actually soothed him after the rough night he’d spent in the almost cozy company of the commode. Dean was hovering a little more than usual, which was saying something. Sam pretended he didn’t notice the subtle stares he got from Dean.
Morning went by easier than Sam would’ve expected. They researched a case and Dean put him on computer duty, which kept him from thinking about alcohol. Dean even let Sam babble about useless trivia. The youngest could tell where his brother was coming from, but he did enjoy the reprieve.
It went all the way to diner time before he felt thirsty. The idea of a cold bear crossed his mind, but he pushed it away. He chugged a glass of icy cold water instead. When one wasn’t enough, he went for three more. Twenty minutes later, his bladder was threatening to explode.
As he was taking care of his personal business, he noticed a strange tingling in the tips of his fingers. He thought maybe the blood circulation in his hands had been cut off so he shook them to push the chills away. They eventually vanished on their own. Sam stared at his reflection in the mirror.
A familiar face poked from behind the shower curtain.
‘Yeah, you keep doing that, Sammyboy. Keep telling yourself you can do this. It might just work. I mean why wouldn’t you be able to control the poison that’s running inside your veins?’ Lucifer winked.
Sam’s heart picked up speed. When he turned around, the archangel smiled and disappeared. Sam let out a breath of relief, but a little voice at the back of his head wouldn’t shut up about the fact that the fallen angel would be back. It was just a matter of time.
When he came out of the bathroom, he was shakier than he had been all morning. He focused on taking deep breaths and shaking his hands whenever the tingling returned. These weren’t withdrawal signs, of course. He was just nervous because Lucifer was roaming around…
Diner wasn’t easy without his usual drink. Sam pushed food around his plate without hardly eating anything. His stomach was spinning too quickly. He was on constant watch out for any signs of Hell.
“So you think we should follow this lead?” Dean asked. He’d been talking about the research and possible hunt for about fifteen minutes. He looked up to realize that Sam wasn’t even looking at him, but actually anywhere but at him.
“Sam? Hey, you with me?” Dean’s voice was a little louder this time. Sam was still looking all around, oblivious to what was going on in front of him.
“Sam!” Dean barked impatiently, worry threatening to overtake him. The eldest was about to get up and do something when Sam startled and almost fell off his seat.
“Damn it, Dean! What is it?” Sam was obviously irritated which had Dean frowning.
“Anything you want to share with the class? You totally spaced out, man.”
Sam visibly deflated. “Sorry.”
Dean studied his brother thoroughly for a few more seconds before deciding to drop it. Sam wasn’t used to this after all. On any other day, Sam would already be drunk and out of it. He had to remind himself that his little brother needed time to get used to it.
“Is everything okay, now? Can I have your attention for five minutes?” Dean didn’t want to sound like he was pushing it, but then maybe hunting would distract his brother from whatever it was that followed him in his universe no one else had access to.
Sam nodded, visibly forcing his focus on his brother. Dean stared back for a few seconds, only making sure that the youngest was indeed with him this time.
“As I was saying, Bobby found a whole list of addresses that have been registered under names that we suspect to be Leviathans. One of them leads to an old factory that’s supposedly not too far from here. You wanna check it out?”
Sam nodded quickly, his eyes a little wider than they should have been by that time of day.
“Yeah, of course. Let’s check it out.” The answer was sharp and blurted out, but if Sam gave his green light, Dean would go with it.
“You sure you’re okay?” Concern flashed into his green eyes. Sam nodded stiffly and his eyes didn’t soften. Dean thought his brother appeared to be on the lookout for something. He just couldn’t tell if Sam was keeping an eye out for Lucifer or if he just tried to keep his head into the game.
“I’m fine,” Sam assured robotically. His eyes still roamed over the room too much for Dean’s comfort.
Then, Dean realized Sam had hardly touched his breakfast and he was still hungry after his. He figured his brother wouldn’t mind if he stole a bite or two. He grabbed his fork and started toward Sam’s plate.
At the sudden unexpected movement, Sam jumped out of his seat with one thought - blocking the oncoming blow. He grabbed Dean’s wrist with both hands and weighed his brother’s arm down against the table before he realized what he was doing. Dean was staring at him in shock. Sam blanched and let his brother’s arm go.
“S…sorry” he stumbled, wiping his sweaty palms against the fabric of his jeans. Somehow, he’d snapped back into reality in time to see what was about to happen. The thought of hanging around Dean suddenly made him nervous.
Dean rubbed the reddening hand-shaped marks on his forearm. “Jesus, Sam.”
Dean was still shell-shocked after his brother’s reaction. He would’ve ended with a broken arm if Sam hadn’t awakened when he did.
“I… I’m sorry, Dean” Sam stuttered. His eyes were wide as if he’d just seen a dead body. Dean noticed his brother’s genuine terror and any hint of anger he could’ve had vanished right away.
“It’s okay. I’m fine,” he assured, but his own eyes were still wide and staring back at Sam in shock.
Sam’s face crumbled. “I didn’t mean it! Maybe I should stay away. Don’t hesitate to lock me up if you have to.”
The youngest was in panic mode and Dean couldn’t help but remember the two times his brother had gone through withdrawal. This time was supposed to be different since it wasn’t demon blood Sam was detoxing from…
Dean raised both hands out in surrender and tried to hush his jittery brother. “Okay, okay. Listen to me. Sammy? Nobody’s locking you up, alright? We can get through this. I said I’d help you with this and I will.”
Sam searched Dean’s eyes for the moment they would betray his brother’s words. Only, Dean’s eyes didn’t falter and Sam finally relaxed. He took deep breaths and tried to calm his racing heart.
“That’s it. Just breathe. When it gets bad, remember to breathe. Got it?”
Sam nodded. Breathing in and out already made him feel better. All that stress had his head spinning and he didn’t know how much more of that he could take.
“Good. You up for the hunt?” Dean asked because really, he wouldn’t voluntarily put his brother in a dangerous position.
“Yeah, think so. Let’s go.” Sam nodded and blinked his eyes sluggishly. He himself wondered if that was such a good idea, but what could a little sweating and lightheadedness do to him?
But then, it only got worse. As Dean drove the Impala, Sam grabbed the leather from his seat and dug his nails into it. When he felt something tear, he had to lean back on clenching his fists upon themselves. His nails dug into the palms of his hands until they drew blood. Sam was hardly aware of the pain while he kept his eyes on the road and feared everything that they could encounter on the way.
What if they drove off the road? But Dean was a good driver, he wouldn’t let that happen. But then what if another driver pushed them off the road? There was no one around but what if? And if it wasn’t someone but something? What if they bumped something on the way? What if Leviathans found them and crashed their car?
Sam’s heart beat as fast as the Impala sped down the road. He could feel the thumps inside his head and they wouldn’t slow down. His breath started to catch at the bottom of his throat and he feared that he’d start choking soon. Sweat rolled down his skin and made him shiver.
“Sammy?”
That voice. It was the one that meant everything. Dean used it when he was concerned and while checking out on his brother. Sam could hear the are you okay? behind it.
“ ‘m okay. Just a headache,” he mumbled, closing his eyes. In a way, it was true.
Then there was that voice again at the back of his head. ‘Aw, Sammy. Lying to your brother again? Didn’t he tell you you could count on him? Or is it that you don’t want to let him down by telling him the truth?’
Sam pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes and rubbed them. It had been a long day and as much as his craving for alcohol was starting to go down, his stomach wasn’t going in the same direction. Sam felt uncomfortable and like he could be sick at any second.
“We there soon?” he asked through tight lips. He didn’t want to risk tempting his stomach.
Dean turned to look at him before settling his eyes back on the road. “Yeah, why? You okay?”
Sam rolled his eyes. “Can I just ask a question without making it seem like it’s all about me?” He was clearly annoyed and Dean was taken by surprise. He took a few seconds to find his voice again.
“Sure. Jesus Christ, I’m sorry.”
The youngest nodded as if to say ‘apology taken’. Dean relaxed in his seat, but he still stole glances in his brother’s direction every once in a while.
They found the old factory they were looking for. Luckily for them, the sun had set a few hours ago. At least this way they wouldn’t be an easy target. Dean parked in front of the factory and sprung out of the car to take a look at the place. It was deserted to say the least. The factory looked like it had been abandoned for years.
“Looks like we might have made a mistake on this one,” Dean prompted as he turned to take a look at his brother. Sam was leaning against the top of the car.
“I don’t know. If I wanted to plot something evil without people noticing, that’s the kind of place I’d come to,” Sam replied with a cautious expression.
Dean puckered his lips and cocked his head to the side. “Yeah, okay. Maybe. Makes sense! But there still isn’t any lead that we can follow…”
Sam cut him off before he could finish. “You sure?”
Dean frowned and stared at his brother questioningly. Sam moved his head towards something behind Dean’s head. The latter spun around and tilted his head back so that his eyes reached the height Sam was pointing to. There it was. There was a surveillance camera up there and judging from the looks of it, it had been installed long after the factory. Leviathans might still be behind this, after all.
“The little fuckers. I don’t know what they’re planning, but it surely stinks. They better hope I never find them,” Dean threatened through clenched teeth.
“Sure, Dean. What do we do now?”
Dean turned around to take a look at his brother. Sam looked beat. He was pale and shaky. Dean wondered if his brother could actually stand without leaning on the car for support, like he was doing at the moment.
“Let’s go back to the motel. You can take a beauty nap while I try to work my way through this security system,” Dean proposed. Sam looked like he wanted to complain, but then something in him just settled down.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” Dean echoed. He didn’t know his brother to be quite the quitter.
“Yeah. I’m beat. Let’s head back. Either way, there’s nothing for us here.”
Dean turned to take a last look at the place. As Sam said, there was nothing more they could do. He could only wish the tricks Frank had given him would help him pierce the security system. He’d be able to see what these cameras were looking out for.
“Alright, let’s go,” Dean conceded.
They slipped back into the car and drove back to the motel.
As soon as they got there, Sam headed for the shower while Dean settled on the laptop. He concentrated on remembering how to do this, but still didn’t miss the fact that Sam was taking longer than usual. Maybe Sam only needed space after such a day.
Eventually, Sam did come out of the bathroom. Dean couldn’t help but to think of something to say to tease his brother. That was his way of saying he’d been worried.
“Hey, you weren’t manscaping in there were you?”
Sam rolled in eyes in annoyance. “Bite me,” he spat back.
Dean shivered exaggeratedly. “Ew, no thank you,” he joked with a horrified face. Sam offered him a lopsided grin before plopping down onto his bed.
“Please, don’t watch porn when I try to sleep,” Sam threw with a grin. Dean saw the effort for what it was and smiled back at his brother’s attempts at normal.
“If I were you, I’d be more worried about letting some fingers out.” Dean winked and Sam stared back in horror.
“If you do that, I swear I’m gonna kill you.”
Dean chuckled to himself before going back to his task while taking a couple of peaks in his brother’s direction. Sam had stretched over the whole bed but he didn’t look peaceful, even in his sleep. His features were pinched and he twitched nervously from time to time.
Dean managed to connect the laptop to the cameras and cheered for himself, delighted with his own work. Sam wouldn’t believe him when he woke up. He stole another glance in Sam’s direction. That’s when he noticed that Sam was trembling. He frowned and got off his chair to get to his brother’s side.
He noticed then that Sam was mumbling softly. All those elements together had him worried and he raised a hand to Sam’s forehead. He only had time to register the heat waves coming from his brother’s skin when something grabbed him and went down on the ground with him.
As he got his brain to work again, he realized that what had him pinned to the ground was his enormous brother. Sam was holding him down with the help of his two-hundred-and-something pounds. Dean shook his head when he realized what was going on.
“Sam! Hey, it’s me.”
Sam’s eyes were glassy and hard, but seemed to soften at the sound of Dean’s voice. That was until recognition hit them and they filled with shame.
“Dean… I’m sorry…” he stammered. Dean could see just how confused his brother was and held no anger against him.
“It’s okay, don’t worry. But Jesus, Sammy. You’re burning up!”
As soon as Sam sat back on his heels, Dean pushed himself into a sitting position and studied his younger brother.
“Am I?” Sam asked, trying to look up at his forehead as if he could actually see the fever.
“Yeah. Let me get you some aspirin and water.”
Sam shrugged and leaned back against the bed so he didn’t have to waste precious energy on keeping himself upright. Dean came back quickly with pills and water. Sam downed them without hesitating.
“How’re you feeling?” Dean asked, thinking about just how many times he’d asked that question in the nearest past. Sam shrugged.
“Funny. But it’ll pass, I guess,” Sam tried although he wasn’t convincing himself. He didn’t feel like he was dying and he assumed that was a good start.
“If you say so… but then you’ll let me know if it doesn’t?”
Sam’s eyes met Dean’s and he could see the clear concern in them. Somehow, it made him feel better to know that Dean would have his six if anything happened. He finally nodded in reply.
“Good. Back to bed, now.”
Sam’s lips tugged into a smile despite himself. “Yes, dad.”
He pulled his heavy limbs off the floor and buried himself into the comfort of his bed. Hopefully, he’d sleep better this time around.
Winchester’s luck was close to none when they happened to wish for something they needed. Sam’s sleep was plagued by nightmares and he woke up out of breath and covered in sweat. Dean was waiting for him with aspirin and water. Sam took it gratefully.
“Hold on just a while longer. The symptoms should wear off soon,” Dean supported. Sam looked at him with a perplexed expression.
“Symptoms?” he echoed.
Dean pursed his lips. He knew better than to play coy with his brother. “C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. We’ll get through this, alright?”
Sam’s eyebrows arched. “We? Dean, you’re not the one who has to physically put up with this crap.”
“Maybe not, but I’m the one who hears you scream in your sleep.” Dean’s face didn’t reflect anger, but Sam felt guilty all the same. If his brother couldn’t sleep because of him, it still put him as a liability whether Dean admitted it or not.
“Sam, I can hear you beating yourself up. Just don’t, okay.”
Dean’s reassurances were honest and Sam felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.
The next night was worse. Sam was lying on his back and shivering like a leaf. Dean was sleeping in the bed next to him. Sam felt awful and didn’t want to wake his brother up, but everything was so wrong.
He was sweating and he was cold and he was petrified. He held the comforter up to his chin and looked everywhere around and above himself. Every sound made him flinch and the constant tightening of his muscles left him exhausted and in pain. His breath echoed in the small room and resonated back to his own ears. He was surprised it didn’t wake Dean up. He still couldn’t bring himself to disturb Dean from his precious sleep.
So he tossed and turned and muffled shrieks of terror when he thought he heard or saw something. That’s when he started to feel movement from beneath the covers on the bed. He couldn’t bring himself to look, but it definitely felt like something was crawling along his legs.
Without thinking, he jumped to his feet and ran as far away from the bed as he could. His heart was beating so quickly that he could feel its rattle inside every single inch of his body. The little motion left him out of breath.
He heard someone snickering and turned his head desperately. As he’d feared, Lucifer was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.
‘You sure you’re not losing your marbles here, Sam?’
Sam’s eyes widened with horror. So Lucifer was behind it all? The devil didn’t want him to get better so he played with his sanity until he broke?!
‘But you told Dean you could do it. Aww, that’s so sad… I mean, how is he going to react when he realizes your bravado was all an act to keep him from locking you up for good?” Lucifer jested.
“Just shut up, you fuckin’ son of a bitch! Get lost, you fuckin’ piece of trash!” Sam shouted with a force that made even the devil shiver. Dean woke up with a start. He was a hunter after all, and a hunter’s senses were sharp even in sleep.
“Sam?”
‘Oh Sammy, you woke Dean up. Such a fine way to treat your brother… you know, after everything he’s done for you.’ Lucifer gave him a pout of mock pity and Sam couldn’t hold back any longer. He threw himself at the devil and let his fists break loose.
“Woah, Sam!” Dean yelled as he sprinted behind his brother.
Sam’s mind was disconnected from his body for a few seconds too many. He punched and pushed and shoved until he couldn’t feel his knuckles anymore. Dean grabbed him from behind and tried to restrain him, but Sam was big and he didn’t go down without a fight.
“Sammy, c’mon! Calm the fuck down! Hey. Hey! Sam!” Dean tried as he readjusted his grip on his squirming brother. Sam’s skin felt like boiling water to the touch. The fever hadn’t gone down. In fact, it had probably gone up.
“Dean! Let…go! Gotta…” Sam fought to no avail. He was weakened by the fever and Dean’s hold was too strong.
“He’s not real, Sam. Don’t listen to him, he’s not real.”
Sam finally calmed when he realized he wouldn’t get out of this one. There was no way out and he’d only end up hurting Dean. He stopped fighting and his eyes slid toward the wall where the devil had been standing. Surely enough, there was no Lucifer. Instead, there were dents the size of his fists into the wall. He brought his knuckles closer to his face and noticed the blood covering them.
“Did I punch the wall?” Sam asked, suddenly aware of his surroundings. Dean’s dejected sigh was enough to answer his question.
“Please lock me up,” Sam blurted out. Dean was taken aback by the sudden demand from his brother.
“Are you seeing him right now?”
Sam shook his head. The only thing he saw was the damage he’d done and the blood that was all around.
“Okay, then. Let’s cool down before we get you cleaned up.”
Sam was amazed by how calm Dean remained through the whole situation. Between his punching at shadows and his fracturing his knuckles while leaving the wall bloodied, Dean kept his head straight and pulled out the first aid kit to clean everything up.
“I’m sorry,” was the words Sam managed to repeat like a mantra. He’d lost count of how many times he’d said it in the recent past. Dean could only relate.
“Don’t. It’s okay. Your fever’s up.” Dean handed the pills and Sam chugged them down. They knew the drill by then.
“Want anything to help you sleep?” Dean suddenly asked. Sam wasn’t sure he trusted himself with anything that was stronger than aspirin, but given his latest attempt to get some rest, he figured he could leave his worries aside for the sake of one night of sleep.
Once doped on the good stuff, he went back to bed and tried to clear his head.
Dean watched from the side only to make sure his brother fell asleep. Once he heard the soft snores, he settled back to his own bed and tried to bury his own worries in favor of letting sleep claim him. He’d have all the time in the world to worry about Sam in the morning.
Only, morning came too quickly. When Dean peeled his eyes open wondering what woke him, he noted that Sam was already up and about. He frowned in confusion, remembering that he’d given Sam the good stuff to make him sleep. How was his brother even awake?
“Sam?”
Sam hardly turned at the sound of his name. He was too busy pacing back and forth. Dean noticed something else. The blinds were pulled and all the lights were turned off. He extended his arm toward the light switch and flicked it on. The effect on Sam was immediate. His knees buckled and he fell into the bathroom.
Dean got up from his bed and ran after his brother. Sam was on his knees and dry heaving over the toilet. Nothing came out but a string of saliva mixed with bile.
“Hey, you okay?” Dean asked as he tried to mask the panic he felt inside.
Sam let his whole weight crash limply against the tiles that composed the floor.
“Where’s D’n” he breathed out, his eyes at half mast. Dean frowned.
“I’m right here, buddy.” To prove his point he knelt at his brother’s side. Sam didn’t even seem to see him.
“Need D’n,” he mumbled with eyes threatening to close.
“What can I do for you, champ?”
Dean waited, but no answer came from his brother except a choked gurgling sound.
“Sam?”
Sam’s lips parted and he sounded like he was gasping for air until his body started shaking with tremors that all came with more violence than the previous one.
“Holy shit, Sammy!” Dean ran behind his brother and tried to slide his body under Sam’s to keep the youngest from splitting his head open on the ceramic. The tremors died down as quickly as they came and Sam rested limply against Dean.
“S-Sam?” Dean always hated it with a passion with his little brother convulsed in front of him.
“Where ‘m I?” Sam’s voice was breathy as if his little fit had knocked the air out of him. Dean looked at the bathroom around them and turned back to his barely-with-it brother.
“We’re at the motel, remember?”
Sam squeezed his eyes shut when they crossed the path of the bathroom light. His body started to jerk again. Dean feared another fit when he realized it was the work of Sam’s stomach. He helped his brother to his side and Sam spat warm bile on the floor.
There was a sudden howling in the distance. Sam’s head snapped up.
“Hey, hey. Take it easy, will ya?” Dean instructed as his brother became rigid again.
But Sam only focused on the feral cries that seemed to be getting closer. There was no mistaking what was running toward them.
“No! Not this time! I won’t let you take him!” Sam cried as he tried to push himself away from Dean’s grasp in an attempt to get into a seated position.
Dean sighed sadly. “Don’t listen to him, Sammy. He’s not real,” he tried as he studied the tensed muscles in his brother’s back. Sam’s head snapped back into his direction.
“Who are you talking about?”
Dean was taken aback by the question. Sam’s eyes were glassy and unfocused and Dean caught himself wondering how bad it was this time.
“Who are you talking about?”
Sam’s eyes widened with panic. “The Hellhounds! We need to run, Dean! I can hear them coming closer. I won’t let them have you this time,” Sam urged frantically. A terrible feeling crept up Dean’s guts.
“Sam, I can’t hear anything. Nothing’s coming after us, man,” he tried but his words went through and through like air.
“They’re in the room, Dean! They found us and they’ll kill us if we don’t run!” Sam’s eyes were so wide and convinced that Dean had to take a look at the room to make sure that there were no signs of the beasts.
“Sammy,” Dean started, but he was cut off right away.
“Dean, they’ll…” but Sam never got to conclude his sentence either. His breath caught in his throat and he stiffly fell back to the floor where his limbs contracted and released repeatedly. Dean felt like he was the one who couldn’t breathe.
He started to put the pieces of the puzzle together and realized he’d overestimated the situation. Sam wasn’t just going through the slight nausea and mood swings of alcohol withdrawal. His brother was feverish, delirious and even seizing, for fuck’s sake!
It meant two things. For one, Dean had taken things too lightly and he seriously needed to get a change of plan soon before Sam croaked. Secondly and lastly, Sam had been drinking way more than he let on. Had Dean known how serious this was, he would have never let his brother sober up at once.
Frustrated yet terrified, Dean held onto his convulsing brother until the tremors died down. Sam wasn’t as aware this time as he’d been after the first fit. The youngest was staring aimlessly through occasional sluggish blinks. Dean would be a damn fool to let this go on any longer.
“Hey Sammy, you with me?” he tried while shaking his brother toward a sitting position. Sam fell limply as if all his body strength had been sucked out of him.
“I’m gonna get you some help, okay? Trust me. If I’d known, I would have never let it get that bad. I’m so sorry, buddy.”
Dean rolled Sam over gently and maneuvered him into a sitting position. The only proof that Sam was still in there was the occasional moan party that came through whenever Dean pulled at a string he should’ve left idle.
“Of course, you’d mind helping me out a little! You’re not heavy at all, you know. Don’t worry, I’ve got it,” Dean sighed as he dragged his slumbering brother to the car. Sam managed some movements in the process of fitting his body into the passenger seat. That’s about all the strength he had before giving in to the darkness.
Dean settled behind the wheel and gunned the engine. “You better not die on me, you hear?”
Sam remained passive which only fed Dean’s nervousness. He sped down the road then slowed again when his brother started seizing.
“Hey, none of this until we get to the ER! Capice?”
“D’n?”
Dean’s eyes snapped open in relief. So that limp slug next to him could still talk? It was about time it did!
“Sammy?”
“D’n? There are… Oh my fucking God, Dean!” Sam jolted awake and tried to fold his eternal legs onto the seat. Dean gripped the wheel tighter and alternated between checking the road and checking over his paranoid brother.
“What is it?” Dean didn’t see anything.
“Rats! The car’s full of rats!” Sam cried out. Even from where he sat, Dean could see the pearling sweat on his brother’s brow. He could only assume that Sam’s fever must have raised another couple of notches. Or maybe it was something else that pushed his brother toward a full blown psychotic break. Dean wasn’t sure whether he preferred this or the constant visits from Lucifer.
“Calm down, okay? If you stay calm, they won’t come near you,” Dean tried. It wasn’t much, but it kept Sam from squirming for a good thirty seconds before his brother started fighting them off again.
“Sam, just calm down!”
But Sam didn’t listen. If the car was big enough for him to stand, he’d probably be up and pacing. The only things that seemed to calm him were the fits, but Dean didn’t even start to like that option.
They reached the ER and Dean wasted no time in grabbing his little brother out of the car and walking beside him all the way to the sliding doors. People looked up when they walked in and then turned their eyes back to their own misery. Dean paid them no attention and carried his brother to the main triage booth.
“What’s up with him?” the nurse asked as soon as she saw Sam. Her face changed into one of concern.
“Alcohol withdrawal… for starters.”
She frowned and called him in with a sign of her hand. Dean carried Sam into the room and the nurse met them quickly. “Let’s get him lying down,” she proposed when she took in the vacant look in the tall man’s eyes.
Dean helped Sam down and turned him to his side so his brother faced the nurse. Within seconds, she had a pressure cuff around his arm, a pulse oximeter on his finger and a thermometer under his tongue.
The changes on her face didn’t please Dean at all.
“What’s the chief complaint?” She did need to ask, but seeing the appearing vitals on the screen, she would take this young man in even if the other guy said he was perfectly healthy.
“My brother’s quite the heavy drinker… but he hasn’t been drinking for a couple of days and he’s been all but fine ever since,” Dean admitted shamefully.
The nurse nodded and wrote Sam’s vitals down on the file she’d just opened for him. “Can you be a little more specific?” she asked as she looked back up to him.
Dean swallowed past the lump of fear in his throat. Sam had gone rather quiet on the gurney where he laid.
“At first he was irritable and spacing out like… a lot… but then there was the high fever, the sweating, the night terrors and the vomiting… And I didn’t get to the good part yet, because then the seizures and the hallucinations started.”
Her eyes widened. “Seizures and hallucinations?” she echoed. Dean nodded.
“Okay, I’ll call a doctor right away,” she informed before proceeding to the task. Dean turned to Sam.
“Sammy? You still with me?”
Sam didn’t look at Dean directly. He was busy staring all around and jumped at every noise that was too sudden or too loud. Dean went to grab his brother’s hand, but Sam flinched away from the contact.
“Sam?”
Sam’s eyes were wide and filled with fear. “What’s going on? Where am I?”
‘You’re in Hell, Sam. Look all around you! Confined spaces, scalpels and needles… kinda looks like the cage, don’t you think?’ Came the reply with that voice Sam dreaded so much. His eyes snapped into the direction it came from. Lucifer was sitting on the nurse’s chair and rolled himself back and forth.
“No. No! Go away!” Sam started to stand albeit unsteadily. Dean didn’t need a sixth sense to know what was going on. He was used to the hallucination, but when added to the rest of them and to the way Sam was completely disconnected from what was real and what wasn’t, Dean could tell it wasn’t going to end well. At least he had an excuse for the hell visions, which he couldn’t have explained to the medical personnel, otherwise.
“Sam,” Dean tried when his little brother went out of his way to reach the devil he was the only one to see. The nurse was faster than Dean and ran toward Sam after she’d called for backup.
“Sir, maybe you should sit down.”
Sam wasn’t listening to her and he was about a kilometer taller than she was. Pushing her aside was easy enough. Dean caught her and made sure she was okay before he went for his brother.
“Get out of my life! Go away!” Sam fumed as he reached the empty chair. Lucifer stood up to face Sam and shrugged.
‘I am part of your life, Sammy. This is your life. You didn’t think the American Apple Pie Dream was ever gonna be yours, did you? You’re the chosen one, brother. You’re the real antichrist! Isn’t that wonderful?’
Satan brightened as Sam’s composure deteriorated. The latter was ready to jump like a caged animal.
“Shut up…! Just shut… fuck…” Sam stammered before his knees buckled and he started going down. Dean was there to catch him in time. They both went down.
“Sammy, shhh. It’s okay, I’m right here.” Dean tried to be soothing, but Sam was on the verge of panic. It broke Dean’s heart to see his brother so weakened. “Just breathe through it,” he added when Sam’s gasps became audible.
Gasping turned to choking and Dean could tell what was coming next. As he’d silently predicted, Sam started to convulse against him. The backup personnel rushed into the room at the same time. The petite nurse had had time to pull herself back up.
“Alcohol withdrawal and possible DTs* with seizures. We need to stabilize him and then set up an IV,” she explained quickly while the staff started working.
Dean didn’t know what was going on, but his focus was solely on his brother. Sam fell limply against him and he could easily hear the deep breaths coming from his little brother.
“It’s okay, buddy. It’s over. They’re gonna give you the good stuff,” Dean cooed in his brother’s ear. Sam was barely with him, but Dean liked to believe that his words had an effect anyway.
A male nurse was coming toward them with a syringe. Dean scrutinized his every movement. The nurse noticed how his actions were surveyed and he tried to smile reassuringly.
“You took real good care of him,” the nurse noted. Dean didn’t see it as a compliment. This was his duty and not a question of how much quality he wanted to put into it.
“He’s my little brother.” It meant everything. At least, it did for Dean. The nurse seemed to understand anyway.
“Can I help you take care of him? I’ve got something here that’ll make the seizures go away. He’ll be able to relax a bit more…”
Dean would’ve liked the tone had he been eight, but then he understood what the nurse was trying to do. Seeing a loved one in pain was never easy and he preferred the babying to the ignorance of his veto toward his brother’s care. He nodded to let the nurse know that he could do his job and leaned closer to Sam’s ear.
“Sammy?”
Sam’s eyes fluttered, but he didn’t appear to have a lot of energy left in him. “D’n,” he moaned softly. To Dean it sounded like music.
“The nurse is going to give you something to help you sleep, okay? Just don’t fight it,” Dean warned. Sam caught sight of the needle in the nurse’s hand. Beyond the nurse was the shadow of the devil that had been tormenting him for too long.
‘See, Sammy. They’re putting you to sleep. Think you’ll wake up this time?’ Lucifer taunted with puckered lips.
Sam didn’t have much strength left, but he still tried to roll away. Dean noticed the change and the agitation and rolled his eyes in exasperation. If only Satan could leave his brother alone for five fucking minutes…
He leaned even closer to Sam’s hear and whispered for only his brother to hear. “Whatever he said to you, it’s not real. I’m here, Sammy. As long as I’m around, nothing bad’s gonna happen to you. I promise.”
Sam calmed enough to let Dean get a better hold on him. Dean pulled his brother to his chest and held him tightly with more affection than strength. The personnel didn’t miss anything from the scene. The nurse who had greeted them had to smile at how good Dean was at this. Those brothers had to be close, for she’d never seen a delirious patient calm so easily in his brother’s presence.
“Alright, Sam. You’re gonna feel a little pinch,” the male nurse warned. Somehow it got Sam nervous and he started squirming.
“Shhh, it’s okay. Let him help you,” Dean whispered with bated tenderness only Sam was allowed to hear. The youngest breathed deeply and Dean held him protectively.
The nurse nodded to let them know he was about to begin. Dean eyed him approvingly and the other man started the injection. Sam twitched from the needle, but it wasn’t enough to interfere with the procedure. Once the medicine was in, Sam let out a long breath and settled back limply against Dean.
The male nurse turned to the rest of the team and motioned for them to bring a gurney. It took four of them to move Sam from the floor and onto the bed. By the time Sam rested on his back on the gurney, he was starting to get slightly twitchy. It seemed much better from Dean’s point of view if he compared it to the full body seizures he’d witnessed before. They were able to start an IV and prepared to roll Sam away to one of the exam booths.
“We need to run some tests for the labs. It should help us figure out the right way to help your brother. You can sit in the waiting room in the meantime. We’ll come get you whenever you can see him,” the petite nurse informed with a smile.
“Thanks.”
“I’m Kate, by the way,” she said with a wink. Dean smiled sadly.
“I’m Dean.”
“Alright, Dean. Someone will let you know more about Sam when the time comes.”
Dean nodded. He hated that he couldn’t follow but, as sad as it made him to think about it, he knew there was nothing he could do to help his brother. He trusted the doctors to do their job.
He dragged his feet to the waiting room and picked a seat where he could keep an eye on the exam rooms. If someone came out, he would know. He didn’t need to wait for too long when Kate came back to find him with an unnerved expression. Dean’s stomach sank. What was wrong with his brother this time?
“Dean, we need your help,” she admitted as soon as she reached him. Dean’s eyes were wide from worry.
“What happened? Is he okay?”
She sighed and it was probably the only moment she let Dean see how tired she was. He could understand for he felt the same.
“He won’t go down. He was agitated when he realized you weren’t around and we gave him enough diazepam to knock out a horse. We can’t give him anymore or we’ll need to put him on mechanical life support. See, his body is shutting down like it should on this medication, but it’s him. He’s fighting it,” she explained. Dean rolled his eyes. Sam was such a Winchester after all.
“The stubborn little shit,” Dean blurted out without thinking. He darted for the room where Sam was.
Sam was propped up on pillows to keep him steady while he lay on his left side. The medical equipment had suddenly appeared all around and over him. If Dean had known how serious the whole thing would get, he would’ve brought Sam in sooner.
He went to stand by the side of the gurney where he was face to face with Sam. His little brother was obviously fighting sleep. Sam’s eyes were glassy and his lids kept trying to veil over his exhausted eyes. His lips parted slightly and Dean could hear Sam fight against the settling of his lungs, which seemed to make it hard for him to get in enough air; and that was on top of the aid of the supplemental oxygen he was already receiving.
Dean smiled sadly as he reached for Sam’s shaky hand. It felt clammy to the touch, but Dean didn’t care. He’d take Sam any way rather than no Sam at all. To his surprise Sam squeezed his hand with the little muscle function he had left. His glassy eyes watered. To Dean, it was Sam’s way of saying ‘I’m glad you’re here’.
“You can sleep now. I’m not going anywhere. Get some rest, Sammy.” He smiled again, but with more confidence this time. His little brother seemed to need a securing presence and he was more than happy to still be the one person who could provide that.
Sam’s lips tugged into a weak lopsided grin. His heavy lids went all the way down and Sam finally let out the long breath he’d been holding. His respiration evened out and just like that, Dean knew that Sam was finally sleeping and that everything would be better in the morning.
END
*DTs = Delirium Tremens (severe alcohol withdrawal)