To Sleep, Perchance To Dream - Ch 11 - The Undiscovered Country Part IV
Disclaimer: See Prologue
Rating PG13+ but only for one tiny place.
Pairing: Dom Cobb and Ariadne Bishop
Beta : Huge thanks to Vashti. Any remaining errors are mine, she did a great job.
Previous Chapters: Prologue - To Be Or Not To Be - Ch 1 - Slings and Arrows Of Outrageous Fortune ; Ch 2 - Whether 'tis Nobler In The Mind To Suffer ; Ch 3 - To Take Arms Against A Sea Of Trouble ; Ch 4 - To Die, To Sleep No More ; Ch 5 - For In That Sleep.... ; Ch 6 - ....What Dreams May Come ; Ch 7 - The Heartache and The Thousand Natural Shocks ; Ch 8 - The Undiscovered Country - Pt I ; Ch 9 - The Undiscovered Country - Pt II
Art Credit: All the amazing art found in this story is done by wickedandcruel. The originals and many more lovely pieces can be found at her Tumblr Your Own Destiny
Enjoy
To Sleep, Perchance To Dream
By Lattelady
Ch 11 - The Undiscovered Country - Part IV
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Ariadne woke feeling disoriented, and fighting disappointment. They'd done it, gone a level deeper. She should have made progress, found some clue to what was buried in her psyche. But all they'd ended up doing was sleeping. Before she could be overwhelmed by doubts, she reached for her bishop. It's weight and feel assured her she wasn't dreaming, but didn't do anything to improve her spirits.
"You all right?" Cobb's sleep-roughened voice rumbled against her ear. Sometime during the night they'd turned over and moved back to the way they’d begun the evening. They were both laying on their right side, with his body tucked protectively around hers.
"Just checking." She patted her pocket and shifted onto her back, unprepared for the giddy sensation in her stomach when it rubbed against the arm he still had around her.
"You didn't answer my question." He rose onto his elbow to stare down at her, while still keeping her pinned.
"Look, I've never really been a morning person." It was one version of the truth, but she could tell by the way his mouth tightened that he wasn't going to be diverted. "I'm...I don't know. I..." Ari tried to put her feelings into words. "I feel kinda sluggish. It’s like a hangover without the nausea and no alcohol the night before. God, what I wouldn't give for a cup of coffee."
"You're hitting all the foods that Sabine has black-listed for us. First alcohol and now coffee." He chuckled. "You have no idea what we're giving up. Sabine’s coffee is amazing and Miles' cellar is first rate."
"Can it, Cobb. You don't have to rub it in. I already knew those things were on my no-fly list long before you popped back into my life. Remember the herb tea in the cafe that first day?"
"Yeah, that's what gave you away. If you don't count the dark shadows under your eyes and the haunted expression on your face." He ran one finger over her cheekbones and up into her brows, enjoying the early morning conversation. It was an intimacy he'd missed without knowing it.
“The Professor was right when he said you were the most talented architectural student he’s ever had. You did an amazing job last night.” She wrapped her hand around his to keep him from further exploration. It was something she could easily get used to.
“Hmm, that’s odd, he told me that you were better than I ever was.” Cobb smiled at her gesture and her surprised look.
“That’s nice of him but after what I saw on that second level, I'd have to say he's wrong.” Ari really liked the Professor. He’d been very supportive the last three years, but she knew extraordinary talent when she saw it. “The simplicity of only changing the color of the window was a perfect way to keep the cottage familiar enough that it was reassuring, but different enough to mark it as a unique place. And that empty room was nothing short of art. I should...I should... Damn." She stuttered to a halt and rubbed her eyes as she fought an all-consuming feeling of disappointment and failure. "I should have been able to find the answers there."
"Ariadne." He tucked his hand between her slim waist and the mattress to pull her on her side, facing him. "It isn't about shoulds or coulds. It's about what is."
"But you're the man who taught me that they didn't exist." There was a hint of desperation in her voice that she couldn't hide.
"No, I tried to teach you that they didn't have to exist. The hard part is knowing the difference. That's why you have a totem." It was a lesson he hadn't been able to teach Mal, and he was damned if he'd be that careless with Ariadne.
"I hate doing this." Ari gave up and rested her forehead against his shoulder.
"I know sweetheart, I know you do." Dom held her tightly, throwing his left leg over her to keep her snug and safe. He was past caring that they were alone in bed and his experience far outweighed hers. His body had a mind of its own where she was concerned.
"Do you really?” She looked up, needing to be sure he understood. “When we landed at LAX and I looked into Saito eyes and saw the same loss and pain I’d seen in yours when we first met, I knew how really damaging shared dreaming could be. It didn't matter that it gave a whole new meaning to creating. It wasn't worth the price. That's why I changed my thesis project. I wanted...I needed to see if I could capture some of that limitless imagination and control it enough to fit in the real world."
"You did all that and more. Miles showed me your model. It’s impressive."
"Thanks. But it was something I had to do for me. I refused to have my best work done in a dream. There has to be more to me than that.” What she thought of her designs was what counted most but to have him validate them ran a close second.
"Stubborn and proud, I admired those qualities in you from the beginning." He'd seen from the crackle of temper in her eyes, when she'd defiantly flipped over his notepad to draw a maze on blank cardboard, instead of allowing herself to be distracted by the lines on his notebook, that Ariadne Bishop wasn't a follower but a trail blazer. At the time he'd believed the quickening in his blood had been excitement at being one step closer to home. He knew, now, that it had been honest to God desire.
"Dom," she sighed. "I'm not sure how many more nights I can do this." She clung to him, needing to tell him the truth and needing one more thing, an assurance that she wouldn’t get lost, as he and Mal had, and as Saito had. "What color is the window in the cottage on the third level, the one for tonight?"
"I'm not going to tell you. You'll only find out if we end up there." He tipped her head back and looked into her serious eyes. "Just remember that if we do, it's because you need to. Either we've got to go deeper to unlock what’s hiding from you or you need more sleep to deal with what we find when we get there, maybe both. Whatever the reason, you won’t be alone." He looked carefully, trying to see beyond her guarded expression. "You on board for that?"
"I don’t really have a choice." She sighed and absentmindedly ran her thumbnail through his chin stubble. Having him close helped push away the empty, disoriented feeling that clutched at her heart and made it hard to think or breathe, a feeling that had been growing since she woke that morning.
"You always have a choice,” he warned sternly.
"No, not if I want to find my way out of this mess.” The thought of ending up like Mal, a shade of a woman lost in real life and only alive in dreams, frightened Ari more than another night of cottages with colored windows that changed and a large empty room that she was sure held the accumulation of twenty-three years of hidden secrets. Just thinking about it made her dig into Cobb’s tee shirt and hold on for dear life.
"I’m right here,” he reassured. “I’m not going anywhere." He ran his thumb along her temple and was about to kiss her brow when he realized what he was doing. “Ariadne, this isn’t wise,” his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, coated with desire.
"You're right. Just, just give me a minute to get my balance back." Even as she asked, she shifted away from him. His arms were still around her and her forehead rested against his neck but they didn’t touch anywhere else.
Moments later Ari sighed and rolled to a sitting position, scrambling off the foot of the bed and headed for the door. “Sorry, Cobb, that won’t happen again.” She never looked back, just went into the hall and closed the door softly behind her.
She didn’t see Dominic Cobb roll over and bury his face in her pillow nor did she hear him moan her name in frustration and worry. It was apparent that Ariadne was more frightened of what they would find while dreaming than she was of letting him get close to her.
....................................................................................
Cobb shuffled into the kitchen after washing his face and using a spare toothbrush in the children’s bathroom. By the time he’d gotten out of bed, he heard the shower running in the one he shared with Ari.
“Good morning, Dominic,” Sabine called out cheerfully.
“Where are James and Phillipa?” He’d looked in their room and the playroom but there was no sign of them.
“Miles took them out for croissants and hot chocolate. They were very excited.” She went to the refrigerator to get eggs, cheese, and vegetables for omelets.
“You don’t have to cook for me.” Cobb frowned. “I can make my own food.”
“Ah, yes, and I have seen what you eat for breakfast.” His mother-in-law’s French accent became more pronounced as she spoke faster. “Ari deserves better than that...that cold cereal that goes pop, pop, puff, puff and so do you. While you are in my house...” Her words trailed off when she took a good look at him. “Dominic, what is wrong? What has happened? Miles, the children?” her voice shook with worry and she reached for her cell phone.
“They’re fine, Sabine, remember you told me so moments ago. They went out for breakfast.” He wrapped his arms around the older woman. Since Mal’s death, the smallest thing sent her scurrying to check on her family. “I am sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.”
“No, I am the one who is sorry. After what happened, I cling too tightly to those I love.”
“That’s not such a bad thing.” He handed her tissue to wipe her eyes, pretending it was nothing out of the ordinary for her to break down while discussing breakfast.
“No, I suppose it is not,” she sighed and poured coffee into two cups. “Now tell me what is bothering you.”
“It’s Ariadne.” He paused to check to be sure the older woman really was all right. When he was satisfied he continued, “She’s getting depressed.”
“She was depressed when she arrived.” Sabine put half-a-cup of coffee in front of her son-in-law and sat at the table with him.
“I thought I wasn’t allowed to have caffeine?”
“It is a small amount for medicinal purpose only. But you cannot tell, Ariadne. She sniffs around my kitchen, her eyes glued to the coffee press. It breaks my heart to shoo her off with only tea.” She watched the man across from her. He remained silent, face devoid of emotion but his stormy eyes told another story.
“Please, tell me what is bothering you. I can help. It is what I do.” Sabine covered his hand with hers, as much to comfort as to get his attention. “Ahhh, I see.” She smiled gently. “You are not comfortable talking about this with your mother-in-law. Then you should talk to the therapist, Mme. Benoit-Elkins. I will even send you a bill if it makes you feel better.”
“Ari hates shared dreaming,” his voice was low and quiet as he chose his words carefully. “And I believe the whole process we’re putting her through is adding unnecessary pressure.”
“That is to be expected.” She nodded, understanding what he wasn’t comfortable saying. “It is much easier to sleep beside a person when one does not care, but once emotions and hormones get involved---”
“Sabine!” he cut her off, choking on his coffee.
“Na, na, Monsieur Cobb. It is Mme. Benoit-Elkins when we are in session.” She sipped her coffee and continued, ignoring his shocked outburst. “I have seen the way your eyes follow her when she isn’t looking and she looks at you the same way. You have mourned for almost three years. It is time you remembered you are a man as well as a father.”
“How can you possibly approve?”
“I know there is no right or wrong where feelings are concerned. It is what one does with them that is important. Unfortunately, you carry around your guilt for Mal and it keeps you from remembering this. It keeps your life incomplete."
"I’m not doing as badly as I was," he whispered almost to himself.
"You should be doing much better than you are. You did not kill her, it was the dreaming that did that." Her voice was filled with sorrow edged with determination. "Miles and I could not have chosen a personality less suited for the rigors of shared dreams than our daughter's. But at the time, we did not understand the damage that could be done to a fragile psyche."
"What are you talking about?"
"Very simply, my darling Mal had a marvelous imagination and used it to change the parameters of her world. As a child that is acceptable and often expected, but as an adult it confuses issues and makes life difficult. She came up with the idea of the totem to guide her in dreams but, as dreaming became more seductive than the real world, often didn’t use it. Eventually it became easier to live in a place where there were no problems to overcome or no real issues that could not be bent or changed at her will. But I believe that doing so for an extended period made her unable to cope. A human needs challenges to survive."
“That makes no sense,” Cobb protested. He was beginning to wonder how well he knew the woman he’d married. Could she really have changed so much and he not notice? Had years of dreaming blinded him to what was going on in the real world?”
“Of course it does. Dominic, she loved you and the children dearly, but in the real world living with others means compromise. It means admitting that two people can be a couple but they cannot truly be one entity. I believe it is why she did what she did to you, a last bid to force you to follow her, to be one with her.” Sabine folded her hands and gazed over his shoulder, looking deep into the past. “I only wish I had understood these things before it was too late to save my child. When I was staying in your house, caring for James and Phillipa, I went over all of Mal’s journals, including some she had hidden away. But it wasn't until I returned to Paris that I understood what I had read."
“That’s not what happened, I---” In the face of his mother-in-law’s sorrow, Dom knew he could never admit his part in his wife’s death.
“You what? You think you did something that caused her to end her life?” Sabine looked at him with sad old eyes. “Whatever it is, you must leave it in the past. The seeds of her destruction were sown the first time she entered into shared dreaming. Whatever you blame yourself for is at most a tiny part of the whole, if it exists at all.
"Now, to the matter at hand, Ariadne. What is it that has you so worried, the part that you did not wish to share with your mother-in-law but can speak about openly with Mme. Benoit-Elkins?”
“Ariadne is strong. When we worked together seven months ago, nothing got past her. If she thought something needed fixing, she pushed me until I dealt with it. On a personal level she uses her strength and determination to keep people at a distance. But somehow--”
“Somehow she let you in?” Sabine patted his hand on the table between them. “I have seen it since the first moment I met her. I have also seen that you have allowed her to get close to you.”
“I guess.” He wanted to deny it, but there was useless. His mother-in-law already knew the truth. “Ariadne fights it tooth and nail but this morning she felt lost and defeated that we didn’t make more progress last night. She let me…ah…she needed someone to hold onto.”
“And that someone was you?” She smiled when Dominic nodded and hid behind his coffee cup. “Do you know why she keeps people at a distance?”
“No, she doesn’t talk about her past. Even sleep deprived, she’s stubborn.”
“If necessary you must be more stubborn. But first I suggest the two of you take the afternoon off. Go for a walk along the river as you planned yesterday. Do not push or dig, just be two young people enjoying a sunny spring day in Paris. It will do both of you good and maybe, just maybe, it will allow her to open up. If she does not make progress tonight then tomorrow afternoon you must prod her to speak of things she would rather not."
....................................................................................
That afternoon they took Sabine's advice and walked along The Seine.
"This is nice," Ariadne sighed and sniffed the air, her head back and her eyes closed, enjoying the sun on her face.
"Yeah, it is." Cobb reached for her hand. His original intent was to keep her beside him but as their skin touched, Dom's fingers intertwined with hers and he didn’t let go.
"That's kinda nice too." The words tumbled out before she could stop them.
"I thought you weren’t going to let me in?" He squeezed her fingers gently.
Ari stopped and looked up at him, her brows scrunched in doubt, as other people surged around them. It would be so easy to lean into him and let his touch drive away her empty lost feelings, but it wouldn’t be fair to either of them. “Dom, don’t.” Her voice was tinged with defeat.
“I told you I’d give you all the space you needed until you’ve got yourself put back together.” He was deadly serious as he met her gaze head on. “But one of these days I won’t bother to be a gentleman,” he warned.
“I’m not afraid of you.” And as she said it, she realized she wasn’t.
“Good,” he whispered and stroked her lower lip with the pad of his thumb. “Because you never have to be.”
....................................................................................
That night Ariadne got into Cobb’s bed as if it was the most natural thing in the world. If he felt her stiffen slightly as he pulled her against him, she refused to let it matter.
Miles warned them that he was reducing their sleep time another minute. In the bedroom in Paris they would sleep for three minutes. In the cottage with the clear window they would have thirty-six minutes, the one with the blue window there would be seventy-two minutes and they'd spend two hours and twenty-four minutes on the third level.
After going to sleep in the Loire Valley bed on the first level, they found themselves in the cottage with the blue window. Dom again held securely to Ari, as they got into bed and set up their equipment. He held her close and tight as he pushed the button that would take them one level deeper into her subconscious.
One instant they felt the sleep compound filling their veins and the next they were in a reproduction of the same empty room Cobb had created before. It was filled with nothing but shadows and dim light and two people wearing the clothes Ariadne had, again, changed them into.
“At lease I’m consistent,” she sighed, after getting a good look around and checking out their clothes.
“Relax. Whatever happens we’ll handle it.” He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her back against his chest. Cobb could feel her tension mounting with each slow second that passed.
He checked his watch and they’d been there for almost ten minutes. That was twice as long as Miles had instructed them to wait. “Okay, Tiger, that’s it for tonight.”
“Please, can’t we try a few more minutes?" She leaned back against his chest and tipped her head upward.
“It’s not a good idea, Sweetheart. Pushing yourself isn’t going to help.”
“This is getting hard on my ego.” Ari tried to shrug off a feeling of failure. “I’m used to getting it right the first time or at least learning from my mistakes.”
“This has nothing to do with mistakes. You’ve got months of sleep to make up for. Give yourself a break and take each night as it comes.” Cobb opened the door that led to the cottage and they stepped through. Again their clothes changed into the ones they’d worn to bed in Miles and Sabine’s home.
“I should have guessed it would be red.” Ariadne looked up at the round deep crimson window high on the wall, as they got into bed. “You’re going through all the primary colors first, aren’t you?”
“Nope, I’d never make a yellow window. I’m just having fun playing with the effects of different colored glass.” He pulled the quilt over them and tucked her against him. “It’s time to get some sleep.”
“Dom.” She relaxed against the warm curve of his body. “Thank you for doing this. You and your children could be off to the Greek Islands by now but you’re here instead.”
“Your welcome, Ariadne but you shouldn’t be thanking me. You wouldn’t be in this predicament if it weren’t for me.”
“Despite all the months with almost no sleep and all that came before, I wouldn’t trade any of it.” She turned over, so her head was on his shoulder and she could see his face. “I’m glad you chose me to be your architect.”
“I’m glad I chose you too.” He gently ran his hand up and down her back, digging his fingers into tight muscles along the way. “Now sleep, just sleep.”
“Hmmm,” she murmured. He felt her nod in response as her eyes slipped closed and she melted against him.
....................................................................................
The next morning Cobb woke first. He checked his totem and relaxed as the sand grains ran through the tiny hourglass. He wasn’t still caught in a dream, Ariadne was really asleep beside him. He knew she was going to be disappointed when she woke but right now she was warm and peaceful, sprawled across his chest with her head tucked against his neck.
Mornings were a difficult pleasure for Dom. He enjoyed Ariadne’s quiet presence beside him but it tested his restraint. He wanted to make love to her in the morning light, to see sleep-filled brown eyes darken with passion, and flare with desire as he slowly removed her clothes, touching and exploring her body as he went. He wanted to feel her hands move over him in response, coaxing him to teach her what brought him joy. He wanted to hear her gasp in surprise when he entered her and feel her tight warmth around him.
Cobb froze when he felt her begin to stir. His mind had been taking him places Ariadne wasn’t ready to follow, yet. He closed his eyes and took deep even breaths, as if he were asleep, ignoring his hand that had slipped under her shirt sometime while they slept, resting warm against her back. He felt her waken slowly and untangle her body from his.
“Dom, I’m sorry,” she whispered to herself as she carefully unwrapped his hand from where it was caught in the shirt he’d loaned her. He felt a petal soft brush of lips on his cheek and the movement of the mattress as she leaned closer and gave him an almost kiss. Seconds later she was off the bottom of the bed and the bedroom door was closed behind her.
....................................................................................
"Daddy, aren't you and RE coming with us." Phillipa watched with serious blue-gray eyes as he and Sabine filled two picnic baskets.
"R.E.?" He smiled at his daughter's attempt to pronounce Ariadne's nickname.
"Yeah, it's what Miss Bishop told me and James to call her." Phillipa glared at her father. "But you didn't answer my question. Are you guys coming with us?"
"Sorry, Peanut, but you and your brother are going with grandma and grandpa to that picnic spot you like so much in the Latin Quarter. I'm taking Ariadne out of the city. As much as she loves Paris, a drive in the country would do her good.”
“Are you coming back?” The little girl threw her body against her father’s leg and held on tightly. “Are you and RE coming back?” she sniffed. She knew something was wrong, something only adults understood. It was like when her mommy went away. They thought she was too young to remember but she did.
“Of course we are, Sweetie.” Dom picked up his daughter and hugged her with arms that shook. She was breaking his heart. A child psychologist in LA had assured him, and his mother-in-law had agreed, that his children had to relearn separation. His eyes sought Sabine’s for support. Theory was much easier on Cobb than actually doing. “Ariadne and I were gone for a few hours the last two afternoons and I came back both times. This won’t be any different.”
“But what if you disappear again?” Phillipa’s lower lip trembled. "Like you did before." She didn't mention her mom who was never coming back, because she finally understood that mommy was with God. Nothing else would have kept her away.
"Oh, baby doll," Cobb gasped and held her tighter. "I--"
“When your father was gone for so long, he was working.” Sabine cut in and gently stroked her granddaughter’s back. “But he is doing things differently now. He brought you and James with him to Paris and he is taking you with him to his job on Hera, remember. You will live there for almost a year. Grandpa and I will miss you very much but your father has to go where his work is.”
"You could come for a visit." Phillipa suggested, never letting go of her hold on her dad.
"What a splendid idea. We would love to do that." Sabine beamed at her. "We can go on picnics there, too, some while your father is busy at his computer or drafting board and some when he is free to join us."
"Daddy, I guess it's okay if you and RE go on your own picnic." She kept her arms wrapped around his neck. His hugs always made her feel better. "Just as long as you come back."
“Nothing could keep me away. You guys are stuck with me for life.” He snuggled his daughter, never wanting to let go. “These afternoons I spend with Ariadne are like when you go to Carolyn’s or Jane's. You always come back from those."
"You're going on a play date with RE?" The child giggled at the idea.
"He sure is but I don't play Shoots and Ladders with anyone but you." Ariadne walked into the kitchen and tickled Phillipa's neck. Her large worried brown eyes sought out Cobb’s blue ones. It was evident Ari had heard most of what had upset the little girl.
"Phillipa, why don’t you come with me. We can dance in the playroom like we did this morning. James and your grandpa are in there, maybe we can convince them to join us.” Ari took the child from Dom’s arms. “We'll let your daddy and grandma finish up here." She nodded to Sabine to take care of Cobb, who was looking white and drawn around the mouth, leaning his weight on the kitchen island.
"You think we can get grandpa to dance to your music?" the little girl asked as she scrambled down from Ariadne's arms.
"We can ask him." Ari laughed at the idea of the Professor moving to the beat of Nickelback.
"What you were listening to this morning, is not music," Sabine called after them.
"Sorry, we'll keep it down." The young woman nibbled her lip at Cobb’s taut shoulders and clenched fists. Ari knew she was causing him pain and didn’t understand why they were going on two separate picnics if it upset the children. "I seem to have lost my taste for French Blues."
“I quite understand, Ariadne.” Sabine Elkins was very familiar with the music used to synchronize a kick in dream sharing. “We will finish up in here.” She nodded toward the silent man in her kitchen, to reassure Ari that Dominic would be taken care of. “You need not worry.”
"Wait a second, RE." Phillipa stopped in her dash for the hall and ran back to her father. "I love you, Daddy," she whispered and hugged him one more time.
"I love you too, Peanut." He kissed the top of her head and let her go back to Ariadne.
Once they were alone, Sabine turned to her son-in-law. "Dominic, you did the right thing." She rubbed his shoulders while he buried his face in his hands.
"They're my children, how can I do this to them?" he gasped. “It’s like I’m putting them second.”
"This is harder on you than it is on them, my dear." She had her arm around him, trying to make him understand. "You are rebuilding the trust they lost when you were gone for so long. Each time you leave and return, as promised, you are proving yourself. To have given in and stayed with us would have done more harm than good."
“You don’t understand,” his words were rough with pain. “When I first came home, they were afraid to let me out of their sight for longer than a few minutes. They’re getting better. They’ll play in the yard or the playroom while I work in the study or fix dinner. But one or both of them will just appear. They don't want anything, I think they're checking to be sure that I'm still there."
"That is normal behavior. They are smart, brave children and they know that you love them. It will take time and patience to reassure them but you are doing all the right things. Now, it is time we finished packing these picnic baskets.”
To Ch 12 - The Undiscovered Country Pt V
Rating PG13+ but only for one tiny place.
Pairing: Dom Cobb and Ariadne Bishop
Beta : Huge thanks to Vashti. Any remaining errors are mine, she did a great job.
Previous Chapters: Prologue - To Be Or Not To Be - Ch 1 - Slings and Arrows Of Outrageous Fortune ; Ch 2 - Whether 'tis Nobler In The Mind To Suffer ; Ch 3 - To Take Arms Against A Sea Of Trouble ; Ch 4 - To Die, To Sleep No More ; Ch 5 - For In That Sleep.... ; Ch 6 - ....What Dreams May Come ; Ch 7 - The Heartache and The Thousand Natural Shocks ; Ch 8 - The Undiscovered Country - Pt I ; Ch 9 - The Undiscovered Country - Pt II
Art Credit: All the amazing art found in this story is done by wickedandcruel. The originals and many more lovely pieces can be found at her Tumblr Your Own Destiny
Enjoy
To Sleep, Perchance To Dream
By Lattelady
Ch 11 - The Undiscovered Country - Part IV
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ariadne woke feeling disoriented, and fighting disappointment. They'd done it, gone a level deeper. She should have made progress, found some clue to what was buried in her psyche. But all they'd ended up doing was sleeping. Before she could be overwhelmed by doubts, she reached for her bishop. It's weight and feel assured her she wasn't dreaming, but didn't do anything to improve her spirits.
"You all right?" Cobb's sleep-roughened voice rumbled against her ear. Sometime during the night they'd turned over and moved back to the way they’d begun the evening. They were both laying on their right side, with his body tucked protectively around hers.
"Just checking." She patted her pocket and shifted onto her back, unprepared for the giddy sensation in her stomach when it rubbed against the arm he still had around her.
"You didn't answer my question." He rose onto his elbow to stare down at her, while still keeping her pinned.
"Look, I've never really been a morning person." It was one version of the truth, but she could tell by the way his mouth tightened that he wasn't going to be diverted. "I'm...I don't know. I..." Ari tried to put her feelings into words. "I feel kinda sluggish. It’s like a hangover without the nausea and no alcohol the night before. God, what I wouldn't give for a cup of coffee."
"You're hitting all the foods that Sabine has black-listed for us. First alcohol and now coffee." He chuckled. "You have no idea what we're giving up. Sabine’s coffee is amazing and Miles' cellar is first rate."
"Can it, Cobb. You don't have to rub it in. I already knew those things were on my no-fly list long before you popped back into my life. Remember the herb tea in the cafe that first day?"
"Yeah, that's what gave you away. If you don't count the dark shadows under your eyes and the haunted expression on your face." He ran one finger over her cheekbones and up into her brows, enjoying the early morning conversation. It was an intimacy he'd missed without knowing it.
“The Professor was right when he said you were the most talented architectural student he’s ever had. You did an amazing job last night.” She wrapped her hand around his to keep him from further exploration. It was something she could easily get used to.
“Hmm, that’s odd, he told me that you were better than I ever was.” Cobb smiled at her gesture and her surprised look.
“That’s nice of him but after what I saw on that second level, I'd have to say he's wrong.” Ari really liked the Professor. He’d been very supportive the last three years, but she knew extraordinary talent when she saw it. “The simplicity of only changing the color of the window was a perfect way to keep the cottage familiar enough that it was reassuring, but different enough to mark it as a unique place. And that empty room was nothing short of art. I should...I should... Damn." She stuttered to a halt and rubbed her eyes as she fought an all-consuming feeling of disappointment and failure. "I should have been able to find the answers there."
"Ariadne." He tucked his hand between her slim waist and the mattress to pull her on her side, facing him. "It isn't about shoulds or coulds. It's about what is."
"But you're the man who taught me that they didn't exist." There was a hint of desperation in her voice that she couldn't hide.
"No, I tried to teach you that they didn't have to exist. The hard part is knowing the difference. That's why you have a totem." It was a lesson he hadn't been able to teach Mal, and he was damned if he'd be that careless with Ariadne.
"I hate doing this." Ari gave up and rested her forehead against his shoulder.
"I know sweetheart, I know you do." Dom held her tightly, throwing his left leg over her to keep her snug and safe. He was past caring that they were alone in bed and his experience far outweighed hers. His body had a mind of its own where she was concerned.
"Do you really?” She looked up, needing to be sure he understood. “When we landed at LAX and I looked into Saito eyes and saw the same loss and pain I’d seen in yours when we first met, I knew how really damaging shared dreaming could be. It didn't matter that it gave a whole new meaning to creating. It wasn't worth the price. That's why I changed my thesis project. I wanted...I needed to see if I could capture some of that limitless imagination and control it enough to fit in the real world."
"You did all that and more. Miles showed me your model. It’s impressive."
"Thanks. But it was something I had to do for me. I refused to have my best work done in a dream. There has to be more to me than that.” What she thought of her designs was what counted most but to have him validate them ran a close second.
"Stubborn and proud, I admired those qualities in you from the beginning." He'd seen from the crackle of temper in her eyes, when she'd defiantly flipped over his notepad to draw a maze on blank cardboard, instead of allowing herself to be distracted by the lines on his notebook, that Ariadne Bishop wasn't a follower but a trail blazer. At the time he'd believed the quickening in his blood had been excitement at being one step closer to home. He knew, now, that it had been honest to God desire.
"Dom," she sighed. "I'm not sure how many more nights I can do this." She clung to him, needing to tell him the truth and needing one more thing, an assurance that she wouldn’t get lost, as he and Mal had, and as Saito had. "What color is the window in the cottage on the third level, the one for tonight?"
"I'm not going to tell you. You'll only find out if we end up there." He tipped her head back and looked into her serious eyes. "Just remember that if we do, it's because you need to. Either we've got to go deeper to unlock what’s hiding from you or you need more sleep to deal with what we find when we get there, maybe both. Whatever the reason, you won’t be alone." He looked carefully, trying to see beyond her guarded expression. "You on board for that?"
"I don’t really have a choice." She sighed and absentmindedly ran her thumbnail through his chin stubble. Having him close helped push away the empty, disoriented feeling that clutched at her heart and made it hard to think or breathe, a feeling that had been growing since she woke that morning.
"You always have a choice,” he warned sternly.
"No, not if I want to find my way out of this mess.” The thought of ending up like Mal, a shade of a woman lost in real life and only alive in dreams, frightened Ari more than another night of cottages with colored windows that changed and a large empty room that she was sure held the accumulation of twenty-three years of hidden secrets. Just thinking about it made her dig into Cobb’s tee shirt and hold on for dear life.
"I’m right here,” he reassured. “I’m not going anywhere." He ran his thumb along her temple and was about to kiss her brow when he realized what he was doing. “Ariadne, this isn’t wise,” his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, coated with desire.
"You're right. Just, just give me a minute to get my balance back." Even as she asked, she shifted away from him. His arms were still around her and her forehead rested against his neck but they didn’t touch anywhere else.
Moments later Ari sighed and rolled to a sitting position, scrambling off the foot of the bed and headed for the door. “Sorry, Cobb, that won’t happen again.” She never looked back, just went into the hall and closed the door softly behind her.
She didn’t see Dominic Cobb roll over and bury his face in her pillow nor did she hear him moan her name in frustration and worry. It was apparent that Ariadne was more frightened of what they would find while dreaming than she was of letting him get close to her.
....................................................................................
Cobb shuffled into the kitchen after washing his face and using a spare toothbrush in the children’s bathroom. By the time he’d gotten out of bed, he heard the shower running in the one he shared with Ari.
“Good morning, Dominic,” Sabine called out cheerfully.
“Where are James and Phillipa?” He’d looked in their room and the playroom but there was no sign of them.
“Miles took them out for croissants and hot chocolate. They were very excited.” She went to the refrigerator to get eggs, cheese, and vegetables for omelets.
“You don’t have to cook for me.” Cobb frowned. “I can make my own food.”
“Ah, yes, and I have seen what you eat for breakfast.” His mother-in-law’s French accent became more pronounced as she spoke faster. “Ari deserves better than that...that cold cereal that goes pop, pop, puff, puff and so do you. While you are in my house...” Her words trailed off when she took a good look at him. “Dominic, what is wrong? What has happened? Miles, the children?” her voice shook with worry and she reached for her cell phone.
“They’re fine, Sabine, remember you told me so moments ago. They went out for breakfast.” He wrapped his arms around the older woman. Since Mal’s death, the smallest thing sent her scurrying to check on her family. “I am sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.”
“No, I am the one who is sorry. After what happened, I cling too tightly to those I love.”
“That’s not such a bad thing.” He handed her tissue to wipe her eyes, pretending it was nothing out of the ordinary for her to break down while discussing breakfast.
“No, I suppose it is not,” she sighed and poured coffee into two cups. “Now tell me what is bothering you.”
“It’s Ariadne.” He paused to check to be sure the older woman really was all right. When he was satisfied he continued, “She’s getting depressed.”
“She was depressed when she arrived.” Sabine put half-a-cup of coffee in front of her son-in-law and sat at the table with him.
“I thought I wasn’t allowed to have caffeine?”
“It is a small amount for medicinal purpose only. But you cannot tell, Ariadne. She sniffs around my kitchen, her eyes glued to the coffee press. It breaks my heart to shoo her off with only tea.” She watched the man across from her. He remained silent, face devoid of emotion but his stormy eyes told another story.
“Please, tell me what is bothering you. I can help. It is what I do.” Sabine covered his hand with hers, as much to comfort as to get his attention. “Ahhh, I see.” She smiled gently. “You are not comfortable talking about this with your mother-in-law. Then you should talk to the therapist, Mme. Benoit-Elkins. I will even send you a bill if it makes you feel better.”
“Ari hates shared dreaming,” his voice was low and quiet as he chose his words carefully. “And I believe the whole process we’re putting her through is adding unnecessary pressure.”
“That is to be expected.” She nodded, understanding what he wasn’t comfortable saying. “It is much easier to sleep beside a person when one does not care, but once emotions and hormones get involved---”
“Sabine!” he cut her off, choking on his coffee.
“Na, na, Monsieur Cobb. It is Mme. Benoit-Elkins when we are in session.” She sipped her coffee and continued, ignoring his shocked outburst. “I have seen the way your eyes follow her when she isn’t looking and she looks at you the same way. You have mourned for almost three years. It is time you remembered you are a man as well as a father.”
“How can you possibly approve?”
“I know there is no right or wrong where feelings are concerned. It is what one does with them that is important. Unfortunately, you carry around your guilt for Mal and it keeps you from remembering this. It keeps your life incomplete."
"I’m not doing as badly as I was," he whispered almost to himself.
"You should be doing much better than you are. You did not kill her, it was the dreaming that did that." Her voice was filled with sorrow edged with determination. "Miles and I could not have chosen a personality less suited for the rigors of shared dreams than our daughter's. But at the time, we did not understand the damage that could be done to a fragile psyche."
"What are you talking about?"
"Very simply, my darling Mal had a marvelous imagination and used it to change the parameters of her world. As a child that is acceptable and often expected, but as an adult it confuses issues and makes life difficult. She came up with the idea of the totem to guide her in dreams but, as dreaming became more seductive than the real world, often didn’t use it. Eventually it became easier to live in a place where there were no problems to overcome or no real issues that could not be bent or changed at her will. But I believe that doing so for an extended period made her unable to cope. A human needs challenges to survive."
“That makes no sense,” Cobb protested. He was beginning to wonder how well he knew the woman he’d married. Could she really have changed so much and he not notice? Had years of dreaming blinded him to what was going on in the real world?”
“Of course it does. Dominic, she loved you and the children dearly, but in the real world living with others means compromise. It means admitting that two people can be a couple but they cannot truly be one entity. I believe it is why she did what she did to you, a last bid to force you to follow her, to be one with her.” Sabine folded her hands and gazed over his shoulder, looking deep into the past. “I only wish I had understood these things before it was too late to save my child. When I was staying in your house, caring for James and Phillipa, I went over all of Mal’s journals, including some she had hidden away. But it wasn't until I returned to Paris that I understood what I had read."
“That’s not what happened, I---” In the face of his mother-in-law’s sorrow, Dom knew he could never admit his part in his wife’s death.
“You what? You think you did something that caused her to end her life?” Sabine looked at him with sad old eyes. “Whatever it is, you must leave it in the past. The seeds of her destruction were sown the first time she entered into shared dreaming. Whatever you blame yourself for is at most a tiny part of the whole, if it exists at all.
"Now, to the matter at hand, Ariadne. What is it that has you so worried, the part that you did not wish to share with your mother-in-law but can speak about openly with Mme. Benoit-Elkins?”
“Ariadne is strong. When we worked together seven months ago, nothing got past her. If she thought something needed fixing, she pushed me until I dealt with it. On a personal level she uses her strength and determination to keep people at a distance. But somehow--”
“Somehow she let you in?” Sabine patted his hand on the table between them. “I have seen it since the first moment I met her. I have also seen that you have allowed her to get close to you.”
“I guess.” He wanted to deny it, but there was useless. His mother-in-law already knew the truth. “Ariadne fights it tooth and nail but this morning she felt lost and defeated that we didn’t make more progress last night. She let me…ah…she needed someone to hold onto.”
“And that someone was you?” She smiled when Dominic nodded and hid behind his coffee cup. “Do you know why she keeps people at a distance?”
“No, she doesn’t talk about her past. Even sleep deprived, she’s stubborn.”
“If necessary you must be more stubborn. But first I suggest the two of you take the afternoon off. Go for a walk along the river as you planned yesterday. Do not push or dig, just be two young people enjoying a sunny spring day in Paris. It will do both of you good and maybe, just maybe, it will allow her to open up. If she does not make progress tonight then tomorrow afternoon you must prod her to speak of things she would rather not."
....................................................................................
That afternoon they took Sabine's advice and walked along The Seine.
"This is nice," Ariadne sighed and sniffed the air, her head back and her eyes closed, enjoying the sun on her face.
"Yeah, it is." Cobb reached for her hand. His original intent was to keep her beside him but as their skin touched, Dom's fingers intertwined with hers and he didn’t let go.
"That's kinda nice too." The words tumbled out before she could stop them.
"I thought you weren’t going to let me in?" He squeezed her fingers gently.
Ari stopped and looked up at him, her brows scrunched in doubt, as other people surged around them. It would be so easy to lean into him and let his touch drive away her empty lost feelings, but it wouldn’t be fair to either of them. “Dom, don’t.” Her voice was tinged with defeat.
“I told you I’d give you all the space you needed until you’ve got yourself put back together.” He was deadly serious as he met her gaze head on. “But one of these days I won’t bother to be a gentleman,” he warned.
“I’m not afraid of you.” And as she said it, she realized she wasn’t.
“Good,” he whispered and stroked her lower lip with the pad of his thumb. “Because you never have to be.”
....................................................................................
That night Ariadne got into Cobb’s bed as if it was the most natural thing in the world. If he felt her stiffen slightly as he pulled her against him, she refused to let it matter.
Miles warned them that he was reducing their sleep time another minute. In the bedroom in Paris they would sleep for three minutes. In the cottage with the clear window they would have thirty-six minutes, the one with the blue window there would be seventy-two minutes and they'd spend two hours and twenty-four minutes on the third level.
After going to sleep in the Loire Valley bed on the first level, they found themselves in the cottage with the blue window. Dom again held securely to Ari, as they got into bed and set up their equipment. He held her close and tight as he pushed the button that would take them one level deeper into her subconscious.
One instant they felt the sleep compound filling their veins and the next they were in a reproduction of the same empty room Cobb had created before. It was filled with nothing but shadows and dim light and two people wearing the clothes Ariadne had, again, changed them into.
“At lease I’m consistent,” she sighed, after getting a good look around and checking out their clothes.
“Relax. Whatever happens we’ll handle it.” He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her back against his chest. Cobb could feel her tension mounting with each slow second that passed.
He checked his watch and they’d been there for almost ten minutes. That was twice as long as Miles had instructed them to wait. “Okay, Tiger, that’s it for tonight.”
“Please, can’t we try a few more minutes?" She leaned back against his chest and tipped her head upward.
“It’s not a good idea, Sweetheart. Pushing yourself isn’t going to help.”
“This is getting hard on my ego.” Ari tried to shrug off a feeling of failure. “I’m used to getting it right the first time or at least learning from my mistakes.”
“This has nothing to do with mistakes. You’ve got months of sleep to make up for. Give yourself a break and take each night as it comes.” Cobb opened the door that led to the cottage and they stepped through. Again their clothes changed into the ones they’d worn to bed in Miles and Sabine’s home.
“I should have guessed it would be red.” Ariadne looked up at the round deep crimson window high on the wall, as they got into bed. “You’re going through all the primary colors first, aren’t you?”
“Nope, I’d never make a yellow window. I’m just having fun playing with the effects of different colored glass.” He pulled the quilt over them and tucked her against him. “It’s time to get some sleep.”
“Dom.” She relaxed against the warm curve of his body. “Thank you for doing this. You and your children could be off to the Greek Islands by now but you’re here instead.”
“Your welcome, Ariadne but you shouldn’t be thanking me. You wouldn’t be in this predicament if it weren’t for me.”
“Despite all the months with almost no sleep and all that came before, I wouldn’t trade any of it.” She turned over, so her head was on his shoulder and she could see his face. “I’m glad you chose me to be your architect.”
“I’m glad I chose you too.” He gently ran his hand up and down her back, digging his fingers into tight muscles along the way. “Now sleep, just sleep.”
“Hmmm,” she murmured. He felt her nod in response as her eyes slipped closed and she melted against him.
....................................................................................
The next morning Cobb woke first. He checked his totem and relaxed as the sand grains ran through the tiny hourglass. He wasn’t still caught in a dream, Ariadne was really asleep beside him. He knew she was going to be disappointed when she woke but right now she was warm and peaceful, sprawled across his chest with her head tucked against his neck.
Mornings were a difficult pleasure for Dom. He enjoyed Ariadne’s quiet presence beside him but it tested his restraint. He wanted to make love to her in the morning light, to see sleep-filled brown eyes darken with passion, and flare with desire as he slowly removed her clothes, touching and exploring her body as he went. He wanted to feel her hands move over him in response, coaxing him to teach her what brought him joy. He wanted to hear her gasp in surprise when he entered her and feel her tight warmth around him.
Cobb froze when he felt her begin to stir. His mind had been taking him places Ariadne wasn’t ready to follow, yet. He closed his eyes and took deep even breaths, as if he were asleep, ignoring his hand that had slipped under her shirt sometime while they slept, resting warm against her back. He felt her waken slowly and untangle her body from his.
“Dom, I’m sorry,” she whispered to herself as she carefully unwrapped his hand from where it was caught in the shirt he’d loaned her. He felt a petal soft brush of lips on his cheek and the movement of the mattress as she leaned closer and gave him an almost kiss. Seconds later she was off the bottom of the bed and the bedroom door was closed behind her.
....................................................................................
"Daddy, aren't you and RE coming with us." Phillipa watched with serious blue-gray eyes as he and Sabine filled two picnic baskets.
"R.E.?" He smiled at his daughter's attempt to pronounce Ariadne's nickname.
"Yeah, it's what Miss Bishop told me and James to call her." Phillipa glared at her father. "But you didn't answer my question. Are you guys coming with us?"
"Sorry, Peanut, but you and your brother are going with grandma and grandpa to that picnic spot you like so much in the Latin Quarter. I'm taking Ariadne out of the city. As much as she loves Paris, a drive in the country would do her good.”
“Are you coming back?” The little girl threw her body against her father’s leg and held on tightly. “Are you and RE coming back?” she sniffed. She knew something was wrong, something only adults understood. It was like when her mommy went away. They thought she was too young to remember but she did.
“Of course we are, Sweetie.” Dom picked up his daughter and hugged her with arms that shook. She was breaking his heart. A child psychologist in LA had assured him, and his mother-in-law had agreed, that his children had to relearn separation. His eyes sought Sabine’s for support. Theory was much easier on Cobb than actually doing. “Ariadne and I were gone for a few hours the last two afternoons and I came back both times. This won’t be any different.”
“But what if you disappear again?” Phillipa’s lower lip trembled. "Like you did before." She didn't mention her mom who was never coming back, because she finally understood that mommy was with God. Nothing else would have kept her away.
"Oh, baby doll," Cobb gasped and held her tighter. "I--"
“When your father was gone for so long, he was working.” Sabine cut in and gently stroked her granddaughter’s back. “But he is doing things differently now. He brought you and James with him to Paris and he is taking you with him to his job on Hera, remember. You will live there for almost a year. Grandpa and I will miss you very much but your father has to go where his work is.”
"You could come for a visit." Phillipa suggested, never letting go of her hold on her dad.
"What a splendid idea. We would love to do that." Sabine beamed at her. "We can go on picnics there, too, some while your father is busy at his computer or drafting board and some when he is free to join us."
"Daddy, I guess it's okay if you and RE go on your own picnic." She kept her arms wrapped around his neck. His hugs always made her feel better. "Just as long as you come back."
“Nothing could keep me away. You guys are stuck with me for life.” He snuggled his daughter, never wanting to let go. “These afternoons I spend with Ariadne are like when you go to Carolyn’s or Jane's. You always come back from those."
"You're going on a play date with RE?" The child giggled at the idea.
"He sure is but I don't play Shoots and Ladders with anyone but you." Ariadne walked into the kitchen and tickled Phillipa's neck. Her large worried brown eyes sought out Cobb’s blue ones. It was evident Ari had heard most of what had upset the little girl.
"Phillipa, why don’t you come with me. We can dance in the playroom like we did this morning. James and your grandpa are in there, maybe we can convince them to join us.” Ari took the child from Dom’s arms. “We'll let your daddy and grandma finish up here." She nodded to Sabine to take care of Cobb, who was looking white and drawn around the mouth, leaning his weight on the kitchen island.
"You think we can get grandpa to dance to your music?" the little girl asked as she scrambled down from Ariadne's arms.
"We can ask him." Ari laughed at the idea of the Professor moving to the beat of Nickelback.
"What you were listening to this morning, is not music," Sabine called after them.
"Sorry, we'll keep it down." The young woman nibbled her lip at Cobb’s taut shoulders and clenched fists. Ari knew she was causing him pain and didn’t understand why they were going on two separate picnics if it upset the children. "I seem to have lost my taste for French Blues."
“I quite understand, Ariadne.” Sabine Elkins was very familiar with the music used to synchronize a kick in dream sharing. “We will finish up in here.” She nodded toward the silent man in her kitchen, to reassure Ari that Dominic would be taken care of. “You need not worry.”
"Wait a second, RE." Phillipa stopped in her dash for the hall and ran back to her father. "I love you, Daddy," she whispered and hugged him one more time.
"I love you too, Peanut." He kissed the top of her head and let her go back to Ariadne.
Once they were alone, Sabine turned to her son-in-law. "Dominic, you did the right thing." She rubbed his shoulders while he buried his face in his hands.
"They're my children, how can I do this to them?" he gasped. “It’s like I’m putting them second.”
"This is harder on you than it is on them, my dear." She had her arm around him, trying to make him understand. "You are rebuilding the trust they lost when you were gone for so long. Each time you leave and return, as promised, you are proving yourself. To have given in and stayed with us would have done more harm than good."
“You don’t understand,” his words were rough with pain. “When I first came home, they were afraid to let me out of their sight for longer than a few minutes. They’re getting better. They’ll play in the yard or the playroom while I work in the study or fix dinner. But one or both of them will just appear. They don't want anything, I think they're checking to be sure that I'm still there."
"That is normal behavior. They are smart, brave children and they know that you love them. It will take time and patience to reassure them but you are doing all the right things. Now, it is time we finished packing these picnic baskets.”
To Ch 12 - The Undiscovered Country Pt V