Why I just spent $1394 on a vacuum cleaner
Dear household CEO Ethan,
Please sit down before reading this message. I am writing to explain why I just paid $1394 for a Kirby vacuum cleaner. Please do not jump through the roof. Please sit down and look at how clean our living room is, how the carpet is back to the color we picked out in the showroom three years ago, how the ground-in matted area beneath my seat on the couch is finally clean, a feat we have never previously accomplished.
Why I just spent $1394 on a vacuum cleaner:
1. This was no impulse purchase. You and I have long-known our vacuum cleaner sucks, and we discussed the purchase of a new one. I actually mentioned the Kirby name at that point. When Juan came in, he looked at ours and showed me that the roller isn't even moving. We need to throw it away.
2. I have known the Kirby name for years. Roberta told me that when I had kids I would buying a Kirby. She explained the process--a guy comes to your house and vacuums with your current vacuum cleaner and then uses a Kirby with a special attachment to show all the shit your current system is missing. This works no matter how top of the line your current vacuum is (I know ours happens to suck especially bad (not "suck" in a good-vacuum-way)). They been selling vacuums and making people really, really happy for almost a century.
3. The guys were totally low-key and fun to chat with. They were seriously happy just to do the demo, with no pressure. The demo deal was that they would clean and shampoo a room for free. Both are from Bakersfield, and one just graduated from high school. I asked them about their commission structure, and they were upfront about telling me that they get credit for the number of demos performed, and that if they meet their demo quota this month, they are being rewarded with a trip to Las Vegas. I quized them on how many houses they visit in a day, what their coverage area is, how many they sell per month, what their return rate is (1 in 2.5 or 3). I teased them about how they had to close the deal today, and they admitted that in years in the business, they've only ever gotten 2 follow-up calls from people who saw the demo and decided to buy it later, so it is better to sell during the demo.
3. I have thoughtfully saved all my Kirby sample filters to show you what Juan cleaned up. The carpet was revolting, but in no way the scariest part. He did a few passes on your chair and came up with several ounces of dead skin cells, dust mite feces, and more. This is what causes asthma and allergies. He also cleaned 1/4 of the lampshade and got an obscene amount of dust and crap of it. In the bedroom, he did about five passes on the mattress and came up with skin cells and dust mite leftovers. He also did the TV, which was very cool.
4. The attachments totally rock. I'm actually really glad we had the demo, because I learned how to use all the attachments. You can do your blinds, your ceilings, your ceiling fans, your couch, your mattress, your window tracks, pretty much everything that I don't clean now. The window track stuff is amazing, and I can totally use it to detail my car, which is something I have been desperately wanting (and it costs about $100). I'll even detail your car to justify this purchase! The long-arm attachment is pure engineering design genius. The tube attachment is Lexan and totally killer in its ability to bounce back from deformaion.
5. I looked them up online (via my new wireless laptop internet connection) while they were giving the demo. I checked out the consumer info, the company structure, the museum exhibits, and the prices on eBay. You can get one for $800 on eBay, plus shipping, but that it totally unauthorized and violates the warranty. Kirby closes down dealers who sell online. All have a serial number and I own this Kirby for life. If someone steals it and brings it into a dealer, it will be sent back to me. Kirby buys sample vaccums from online dealers, traces the serial numbers, and closes down those distributors (I learned that from Wikipedia).
6. The price is great. This is an upright, a carpet dry foam cleaner, and a portable cleaner. It can even be a water-based paint sprayer. I know people who own their Kirbys for life. It has a full 3-year-warranty that covers things like me dropping it off a cliff, and then a lifetime rebuilt policy in which I pay for shipping and it gets factory reconditioned. I would have happily paid these guys $60 for the work they did in the living room and traffic areas to the bedroom. They busted ass and got it looking like new.
7. I was ruining the carpet with spot cleaner, and that is now uncessary.
8. The dry foam rules!!! Apparently, our old steam cleaner over-soaked the carpet. It gets the carpet pad wet, which can lead to mold and mildew. Also, it only goes one way, and often steam cleaners press the carpet down and only get dirt on one side. This thing uses dry foam that dries in about 20 minutes. I used it, and it doesn't have to move in straight lines. You move it around in all different directions and really work on the carpet. It is so killer. There is a detachable dry foam thing we can use to clean the couch.
9. The design is brilliant. It is sleek, lightweight, and glides like a charm. The arm is spring loaded and totally rules. You can move it at any angle. You can even change it from easy-glide to hard if you want to get a workout while you clean!! The cord is long enough to do all our carpets if we plug it in the foyer area.
10. We can buy a floor buffer thing if we want. That also does grout-cleaning.
11. If I refer people, I get free bags and shampoo. You can buy them online pretty reasonably with free shipping, too.
12. Juan taught me HOW to vacuum. I learned what I wsa doing wrong in the past. He also critiqued my shampoo-ing style. You should pay him extra just for the lessons in cleaning he gave me.
13. Our neighbors next door also bought one. When they came to my door, they had just been at Mrs. M's down the road, and they were like, "do you know Blake? He told us that Jessica is his favorite neighbor."
14. They gave me a "trade-in" on our old vac. Whatever. I would have paid extra just for them to take that POS away!!
15. I asked them about Dyson, which is a name I don't trust because it isn't time proven. They said that they were good vacuum cleaners, but Kirby demos still kick their ass. They explained that the Dyson doesn't clog because of the design, and the showed me how it was different from our old vac and from the Kirby. They also explained that they are cool looking. I personally think my old-shool aluminum Kirby is even cooler looking. Dysons cost between $300 and $400, and Kirby does trade-ins on them all the time.
Please sit down before reading this message. I am writing to explain why I just paid $1394 for a Kirby vacuum cleaner. Please do not jump through the roof. Please sit down and look at how clean our living room is, how the carpet is back to the color we picked out in the showroom three years ago, how the ground-in matted area beneath my seat on the couch is finally clean, a feat we have never previously accomplished.
Why I just spent $1394 on a vacuum cleaner:
1. This was no impulse purchase. You and I have long-known our vacuum cleaner sucks, and we discussed the purchase of a new one. I actually mentioned the Kirby name at that point. When Juan came in, he looked at ours and showed me that the roller isn't even moving. We need to throw it away.
2. I have known the Kirby name for years. Roberta told me that when I had kids I would buying a Kirby. She explained the process--a guy comes to your house and vacuums with your current vacuum cleaner and then uses a Kirby with a special attachment to show all the shit your current system is missing. This works no matter how top of the line your current vacuum is (I know ours happens to suck especially bad (not "suck" in a good-vacuum-way)). They been selling vacuums and making people really, really happy for almost a century.
3. The guys were totally low-key and fun to chat with. They were seriously happy just to do the demo, with no pressure. The demo deal was that they would clean and shampoo a room for free. Both are from Bakersfield, and one just graduated from high school. I asked them about their commission structure, and they were upfront about telling me that they get credit for the number of demos performed, and that if they meet their demo quota this month, they are being rewarded with a trip to Las Vegas. I quized them on how many houses they visit in a day, what their coverage area is, how many they sell per month, what their return rate is (1 in 2.5 or 3). I teased them about how they had to close the deal today, and they admitted that in years in the business, they've only ever gotten 2 follow-up calls from people who saw the demo and decided to buy it later, so it is better to sell during the demo.
3. I have thoughtfully saved all my Kirby sample filters to show you what Juan cleaned up. The carpet was revolting, but in no way the scariest part. He did a few passes on your chair and came up with several ounces of dead skin cells, dust mite feces, and more. This is what causes asthma and allergies. He also cleaned 1/4 of the lampshade and got an obscene amount of dust and crap of it. In the bedroom, he did about five passes on the mattress and came up with skin cells and dust mite leftovers. He also did the TV, which was very cool.
4. The attachments totally rock. I'm actually really glad we had the demo, because I learned how to use all the attachments. You can do your blinds, your ceilings, your ceiling fans, your couch, your mattress, your window tracks, pretty much everything that I don't clean now. The window track stuff is amazing, and I can totally use it to detail my car, which is something I have been desperately wanting (and it costs about $100). I'll even detail your car to justify this purchase! The long-arm attachment is pure engineering design genius. The tube attachment is Lexan and totally killer in its ability to bounce back from deformaion.
5. I looked them up online (via my new wireless laptop internet connection) while they were giving the demo. I checked out the consumer info, the company structure, the museum exhibits, and the prices on eBay. You can get one for $800 on eBay, plus shipping, but that it totally unauthorized and violates the warranty. Kirby closes down dealers who sell online. All have a serial number and I own this Kirby for life. If someone steals it and brings it into a dealer, it will be sent back to me. Kirby buys sample vaccums from online dealers, traces the serial numbers, and closes down those distributors (I learned that from Wikipedia).
6. The price is great. This is an upright, a carpet dry foam cleaner, and a portable cleaner. It can even be a water-based paint sprayer. I know people who own their Kirbys for life. It has a full 3-year-warranty that covers things like me dropping it off a cliff, and then a lifetime rebuilt policy in which I pay for shipping and it gets factory reconditioned. I would have happily paid these guys $60 for the work they did in the living room and traffic areas to the bedroom. They busted ass and got it looking like new.
7. I was ruining the carpet with spot cleaner, and that is now uncessary.
8. The dry foam rules!!! Apparently, our old steam cleaner over-soaked the carpet. It gets the carpet pad wet, which can lead to mold and mildew. Also, it only goes one way, and often steam cleaners press the carpet down and only get dirt on one side. This thing uses dry foam that dries in about 20 minutes. I used it, and it doesn't have to move in straight lines. You move it around in all different directions and really work on the carpet. It is so killer. There is a detachable dry foam thing we can use to clean the couch.
9. The design is brilliant. It is sleek, lightweight, and glides like a charm. The arm is spring loaded and totally rules. You can move it at any angle. You can even change it from easy-glide to hard if you want to get a workout while you clean!! The cord is long enough to do all our carpets if we plug it in the foyer area.
10. We can buy a floor buffer thing if we want. That also does grout-cleaning.
11. If I refer people, I get free bags and shampoo. You can buy them online pretty reasonably with free shipping, too.
12. Juan taught me HOW to vacuum. I learned what I wsa doing wrong in the past. He also critiqued my shampoo-ing style. You should pay him extra just for the lessons in cleaning he gave me.
13. Our neighbors next door also bought one. When they came to my door, they had just been at Mrs. M's down the road, and they were like, "do you know Blake? He told us that Jessica is his favorite neighbor."
14. They gave me a "trade-in" on our old vac. Whatever. I would have paid extra just for them to take that POS away!!
15. I asked them about Dyson, which is a name I don't trust because it isn't time proven. They said that they were good vacuum cleaners, but Kirby demos still kick their ass. They explained that the Dyson doesn't clog because of the design, and the showed me how it was different from our old vac and from the Kirby. They also explained that they are cool looking. I personally think my old-shool aluminum Kirby is even cooler looking. Dysons cost between $300 and $400, and Kirby does trade-ins on them all the time.