Jump the Track: Chapter 7
Title - Jump the Track
Chapter - 7/?
Author - lafleurdumal85
Rating - NC-17
Summary - High school AU. It's Dean's senior year at Lawrence High, and he's already given up on himself. It takes the arrival of the strange, intense, awkward Castiel Delacroix at the school to prove to Dean that maybe his life is worth saving after all.
Chapter warnings - language, underage drinking, sexual references, kissing
Spoilers - References to characters from seasons 1-6. Apart from that, it's completely AU.
“Hey, Cas, guess what? I read a book over Christmas.”
“You did?” Dean knew Castiel was smiling even though they were talking over the phone, and it made him smile too.
“Yup. A whole book, from start to finish. Just for the hell of it. I haven’t done that since I grew out of Dr Seuss. It was Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, and it was friggin’ awesome. Sam lent it to me.”
“I haven’t read that one. I enjoyed American Gods though - I think you’d like it.”
Dean laughed. “Look at us, having a conversation about books. What the hell have you done to me, Cas?”
“I take it you had a good Christmas?”
“Yeah, it was great. I ate too much, Sam got over-excited and fell down the stairs, my dad set fire to the table cloth a little bit... How was yours?”
“Yes. Good. It was fine. I’m... I’m looking forward to seeing you again. At school.”
“Yeah.” Dean smiled. “Yeah, me too.”
...
The real turning point came at the end of January. The start of the new semester had gone smoothly. Dean had turned eighteen, and had been given tickets to the rock festival in Kansas City he’d been dying to attend. His grades had continued to improve, and Castiel had continued to tutor him. The study dates were more a matter of habit now. Dean was just about back on track with everything, and it wasn’t like he ever expected to get the kind of grades Cas did. He just needed to graduate. The company was nice though, and it was easier to work when there was someone working beside him.
Dean habitually sat with Castiel in study hall as well. It was just because it made things easier; he got restless and distracted if he didn’t. So it was that he felt a strong surge of annoyance when he walked into the classroom for the study period he and his friend shared on Monday morning to see that Tara Bury was sitting right next to Castiel. Cas was poring over his English notes for the big test he had on Friday and couldn’t have been less interested in Tara, but she kept glancing over at him with that little coy smile. Dean narrowed his eyes. How she could make such a disgusting display in a public place was beyond him. Some girls had no shame.
“Hey, Tara!” he hissed. “You’re kinda in my seat there.”
She looked up at him coldly. “This is study hall, there are no assigned seats. There are plenty of other places to sit.”
“Exactly! So if you wouldn’t mind moving...”
“No! I’m sitting here! Find somewhere else, Dean.”
Dean inhaled deeply. So that’s how it was. Fine, he was willing to play dirty. Cas shouldn’t have to put up with her unwanted attentions. He dragged a chair over from another desk and squeezed himself into the narrow gap between Tara and his friend. Tara made a small noise of outrage, but Dean saw the corner of Castiel’s mouth twitch a little like it did when he wanted to smile.
When the bell rang, they walked to the cafeteria together.
Cas handed Dean a notebook. “I’ve brought my old calculus notes for you, if you’re still struggling.” He still looked thoroughly amused.
Dean grinned. “Cas, you’re an angel.”
The other boy scowled half-heartedly. “Don’t be facetious.”
Dean glanced at him sideways. There was a lightness about Castiel today; a spark of something beneath his trademark stoicism. “What’s got you in such a good mood?”
Castiel looked at him cautiously. “Do you promise not to tell anyone just yet?”
“Sure.”
Castiel took a deep breath. “I’ve been accepted to Cornell. I found out at the weekend.”
Dean felt himself go hot, then immediately cold. “Cornell... the school?”
“Yes. Their arts faculty is excellent, and they have a beautiful library. I only applied on the off-chance - I thought that as I’ve been home-schooled most of my life it might stand against me, but... but they liked my application so much they’ve accepted me without an interview!” He smiled then, one of his rare, true smiles, and Dean felt like there really wasn’t enough air in his lungs.
“That’s great, Cas!” he enthused, his voice sounding horribly over-bright. “So... you’re actually going to college!”
Castiel’s expression clouded a little. “I haven’t told my family yet; I’m waiting for the right time. I don’t suppose they’ll be terribly happy, but I can’t see what they can do. It’s not as though I’ll be cutting myself off from the church. I can still work from them while I’m away, and I’ll be back in the holidays. Besides, I’m eighteen now. I can make my own choices.” He smiled again, like happiness was a new concept and it scared him a little.
Dean kind of felt like he wanted to throw up. “That’s great, Cas! It’s awesome! I’m so happy for you!”
“Dean, are you all right?”
“I’m fine! Listen, I have to bail. I said I’d, uh, pick up some extra test papers from Henricksen. I’ll see you later, okay?” Dean hated the false brightness in his voice, and he walked away quickly because his smile was making his face hurt.
Dean didn’t think about where he was going, he just knew that he had to get out because this place was suffocating him. He felt like punching something. God, he’d been such a fucking idiot to even hope that Cas was going to stay. He was way too good for a place like this. He had an amazing future ahead of him, a future that didn’t involve Dean. Dean should be happy for him instead of moping around like a little bitch because he was going to lose the one thing that he... God, he was a fucking idiot.
Somehow, Dean found himself wandering over the sports field towards the bleachers. He knew exactly what he was doing there, and he knew who he was looking for. Sure enough, Steve, Karl and Laura were there smoking. They all looked a little surprised to see him - Dean hadn’t hung out with them in weeks.
“Winchester!” Steve eyed him suspiciously. “Where the hell have you been?”
Dean forced a laugh. “I’ve just been busy. You know, extra hours at work.”
“How come you’ve been hanging around Jesus boy? Are you two, like, best friends now? Does he make you do Bible study with him?”
“No! It’s not... it’s nothing. I just talked him into letting me copy his notes and shit. Anyway, that’s all over now.” He grinned. “I’m a free man again.”
Karl laughed stupidly. “Nice! Cause a bunch of us are gonna be hanging at the park tonight having a few drinks. You up for it?”
Dean didn’t even have to think about it. Anything to dull the ache in his chest. “Absolutely.”
...
There was a little voice in the back of Dean’s head that told him it would be a terrible idea to call Cas. It was the same voice that reminded him to pretend to be happy, pretend not to care, make the people he loved think he was okay so he wouldn’t become a burden.
Then again, there was the drunk part of him that just didn’t give a damn about any of that, and right now Drunk Dean was winning.
“Dean?”
“Hey, Cas.”
“Dean, it’s eleven at night. I was asleep.”
“Yeah... sorry about that. I just... Cas, I wanted to...”
“Dean, are you drunk?”
“See, I knew you’d do that. I can feel the judgement radiating out of the phone, Cas. It’s so easy for you to be superior up in your attic-”
“Dean, where are you?”
“I’m in Centennial Park. And... and you need to stop doing this to me. You need to stop-”
“I’m on my way. Stay where you are.” Castiel hung up.
It took Dean a couple of minutes of glaring at his cell phone to figure out what had just happened. Castiel was on his way here, to the park, to collect Dean as if he was a naughty child. Son of a bitch! What the hell had Dean been thinking, calling him up like that? What had he been trying to prove? Dean went back to join the others; he didn’t know what to do now. He looked at the people around him, all drunk or stoned, lying around stupidly, staring at nothing. His kind of people. Dean suddenly felt so depressed he wanted to die.
Eventually, Dean pulled his phone out again and clumsily sent a text to Cas telling him not to come. He got a reply within seconds. I’M 5 MINUTES AWAY. STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
Damn it! How the hell did Cas get here so fast? Okay, so the park wasn’t far from his house, but how did he even get out? Dean wished he hadn’t gotten drunk. He kept looking around - he hoped that he could just slip away when he saw Cas and that the others would be too out of it to notice.
Sadly, it was Dean who was too out of it to notice. He couldn’t see how because he really had been on the look-out, but Castiel was suddenly there, right in front of him, giving Dean his best ‘you’ve really let me down this time’ face.
“I’m taking you home.”
“Cas, it’s fine. You shouldn’t have come.”
“Well, I have, and now we’re leaving.”
“I’m not a fucking kid, okay!” Dean shook him off.
He’d spoken a little too loudly - the others looked up to see what the commotion was. Steve got to his feet unsteadily. “What the hell is he doing here? Seriously, Winchester, is he stalking you or something? Nobody called the God Squad!”
“Back off, okay?” Dean mumbled. “It’s cool.”
“I’m here to collect Dean,” Castiel said coldly.
“Cas, would you let me handle this? You shouldn’t even be here.”
“Yeah, get the hell out of here, freak!” Steve shoved Castiel hard in the chest, clearly too stupid or too drunk to remember what had happened last time he’d tried that.
Castiel stepped forward, crowding himself into Steve’s space, and Dean couldn’t help but feel awed by the sheer electric power his quiet, unassuming friend could evoke. “Do you really want to start with me?” he said softly.
Steve blinked and stepped back. “Fine. You two go off and be gay together or whatever.”
Dean stepped forward angrily, but Castiel held him back. “Dean, leave it. We’re going.” He gripped Dean’s arm painfully and practically dragged him away.
“Cas, why the hell did you come out here?” Dean panted. “It was fine. I’m sorry I called you, but I don’t need you fucking rescuing me, okay? And how the hell did you even get permission to come anyway?”
“I didn’t,” came the curt reply. “No one knows I’m here. And evidently you do need rescuing. Dean, I’m sick of watching you indulge in this idiotic, self-destructive behavior, and I won’t tolerate it. You can do better than that.”
“No, you can! You’re the one who’s gonna get out of here and do something amazing, not me. I’m a fucking lifer, all right?”
Castiel shook his head. “I’m so tired of hearing this from you.”
“Well, I’m sorry for being boring. I’m sure you’ll find yourself a much less tedious set of friends at Cornell.”
Castiel pulled up short. “Dean, why did you call me tonight? If you didn’t really want me to come out here, then why?”
“I... I don’t know, I was drunk.”
“But you’ve been doing so well.” Castiel’s eyes were earnest and impossibly blue in the moonlight.
Dean’s teeth were chattering. “Yeah well... sometimes I feel like I can hardly hold it together, okay? You know, you’ve got all these options and all this future ahead of you, and when I look into my future I just see... I just see more years of boredom and disappointment and guilt. And you’re not gonna be there. So forgive me for needing a little distraction occasionally.”
Castiel looked genuinely hurt. “I’m sure you’ll get over it,” he whispered. “Once you’ve successfully graduated you won’t be needing my assistance anymore.”
Dean blinked. “Is that what you think? What, you think I only spend time with you because you help me study?”
Castiel looked away. “We should get going, I don’t want to be up all night. I’ll see you home.” He walked away and Dean followed him, feeling increasingly frustrated.
They caught the night bus back to Dean’s part of town, and Castiel refused to engage in conversation, staring passively out of the window despite Dean’s attempts to get his attention.
Then Castiel went as far as to walk Dean home from the bus stop.
Dean protested that he was fine, he hadn’t drunk that much, and he didn’t need a minder, but Cas had given him that look, and Dean had shut up. He had to concede to himself that seeing as he’d almost died the last time he’s wandered around by himself when he was drunk, he probably did need a minder.
They walked in silence. The cold night air cleared Dean’s head, and he was soon completely sober. He glanced over at his friend; Castiel looked thoughtful and serious. Not that that was much of a change, but Dean could tell that there was something particular on his mind. When they reached Dean’s house they stopped, and Dean turned to Castiel expectantly.
“Okay, Cas, what is it?”
Castiel didn't bother pretending not to know what Dean was talking about. “Why do you really spend time with those people?” He gave Dean a long, penetrating look.
Dean looked away, uncomfortable. “Well… why not?”
“They’re not good friends, and you know it. You don’t even like them.”
Castiel had that talent for stating uncomfortable truths.
Dean shrugged, turning away.
“Dean.”
“What?” Dean felt like the night was closing in on him.
“You deserve better. You have better.”
Dean looked at his friend. Castiel was gazing at him with big, serious eyes, and it struck Dean that this was all so ridiculous. Cas was one of those rare, good people who hadn’t been tainted by the world. He simply couldn’t see that Dean didn’t have any other options, that the world had already had its way with him. He couldn’t see that Dean didn’t deserve the friendship of someone like him.
“What does it even matter?” Dean muttered.
“It matters because this is your life, Dean!” Castiel’s jaw was set. “I’m sick of you talking about it not mattering, when you have so many people around you who love you. I mean, do you even realize how fortunate you are? Do you have any idea what I would give to…” He turned away, frustrated.
“Cas, don’t. Don’t do that. Of course I know I’m lucky. Hell, I’ve been handed everything on a plate. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m… that I’m… It’s me, Cas. Not my life, me. All the chances I’ve been given, and I still screw it up. I’m a loser. And… and you caring and trying to fix me only makes it worse because I know that in a few months you’re gonna go off to some Ivy League school, and you’re gonna have this amazing life, and… and you’re gonna forget all about me.”
The look in Castiel’s eyes was painful. “Dean…”
“This is it for me. I mean, I’m never gonna leave Lawrence. I’ll scrape through high school if I’m lucky, but then what? I’ll work at my dad’s garage, get a cheap downtown apartment, have a series of casual relationships and one night stands until I get old and no one wants me anymore. And then I’ll just rot here. And you and Jo and Sammy… you’re all gonna leave. You all have futures and potential, and you’ll leave and forget about me. So… so what if I hang out with losers? Because at the end of the day, I’m one of them.”
Castiel shook his head. “You have no idea…”
Dean couldn’t look at him anymore. “Don’t think I’m not grateful. I mean, someone like you taking the time to… to help me out and… well, it means a lot. It means everything. But honestly? Maybe it would’ve been better for everyone if you’d just left me in the water and-”
Castiel shoved Dean hard in the chest, knocking the breath out of him. “Don’t you ever say that!” he hissed. “Do you have any idea what you’ve… Do you even know what my life was like before I met you?”
“Cas,” Dean choked. “Don’t. Just… just stop caring. I can’t… you’re gonna leave and… and if you care, it’s just… Cas, why even bother with me?”
Castiel’s expression was unfathomable. “You really have no idea, do you? Dean, is your opinion of yourself that low that you can’t see what you mean to… to… to everyone? That you can’t see your worth?” He lowered his hands, but didn’t move away.
Dean shook his head. “Why would you even bother, though?” he whispered. “You could have anything, and you’re… you’re…”
Castiel was trying to say something, Dean could tell. Clearly, he was trying to think up some good reason, any reason, that he had bothered with Dean for so long, aside from a sense of charity. He wasn’t going to be able to come up with anything, Dean thought. He would realize that Dean had been right, that he’d been wasting his time. And then he would walk away.
Instead, Castiel kissed him. Hard and desperate and painful. Dean made a small noise of surprise, too astonished by what was happening to respond, too astonished to even think. And then before his brain could even attempt to unfreeze, Castiel had pushed away from him violently. He was staring at Dean, wide-eyed and horrified. “I… I’m so sorry,” he gasped. “I didn’t mean… Oh God.” He turned and ran, and Dean tried to go after him, tried to call his name, but Castiel’s lips must have had some kind of paralyzing agent in them because by the time Dean had forced himself to move, the other boy was long gone. Dean stood tingling in the darkness, staring into space, for an unfathomable amount of time before he realized that it was freezing cold, and he forced himself to turn around and go into the house.
Much to Dean’s dismay, his parents were still up, watching TV in the front room.
“Dean!” Mary said. “It’s gone midnight! We were worried; you should have called.”
Dean stared at her stupidly.
“Dean!” John was using his military voice, which was never good. “Did you hear your mother? Where the hell have you been? It’s a school night, for chrissake! What are you-” He stared at Dean. “What the hell is wrong with you? Did someone slip you some roofies of something?”
Dean blinked a couple of times; he needed to get his shit together. “Uh… no. No, I’m just really, really tired. I’m sorry, I… forgot the time. I’m sorry, Mom. Dad.” Dean turned around and headed for the stairs. John started to go after him, presumably to question him further, but much to Dean’s relief Mary held him back.
As soon as Dean was in his room, he slumped on the floor, his back against the door, and stared. What had just happened was so surreal, so unexpected, that Dean was starting to doubt that it had actually taken place. He ran his tongue along his lips slowly, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the door with a soft thud. Castiel had kissed him. Dean still had the taste of him, and it made him shiver. “Oh fuck,” he whispered. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck…”
Dean got to his feet and paced his room. Then he threw himself face-down on the bed. Then he got up again and resumed pacing. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He felt feverish. What the hell had just happened? Castiel had kissed him, and it had made him feel… oh, fuck! This was ridiculous. It hadn’t even lasted that long! There hadn’t even been any tongue involved! It was not the kind of kiss you get worked up over, yet Dean had felt more passion in those few brief seconds than he’d ever… oh, fuck. He scrubbed a hand over his face. Dean liked girls. Girls, with their curves and their soft hair and their breasts. Dean smiled dreamily to himself, momentarily distracted. Breasts. He shook his head. He was good at being with girls; he’d always known, instinctively, what he had to do to be with them. He knew all the lines, all the moves, and he’d always been happy with that. Hell, it was one of the few things Dean had felt confident that he could do. He was certain that he’d never been attracted to another guy before. He thought about kissing Steve, and almost physically recoiled. That, however, probably had more to do with the fact that Steve was, well, Steve. And here he was, feeling all warm and tingly over Castiel, who was most definitely a guy. He sat down on the bed, slowly rocking back and forth. This was madness. It couldn’t be happening to him. He was just… confused or something. Although confusion rarely left him with such sweaty palms.
Dean closed his eyes and breathed in deeply through his nose, trying to calm down. He needed to think this through logically. Castiel had just kissed him, and Dean been really shocked but… he had liked it. Maybe that was just a natural physical reaction to being kissed. No, that didn’t make any sense. Still, he’d never thought about Castiel this way before tonight, had he? He thought about how he felt when he was with Cas. How he always looked forward to seeing him, even if it was just to study. How sometimes the prospect of seeing Castiel was the only thing that got him to school. He thought of how much he hated it when Cas hung out with other people, and how he dreaded the day when the other boy would inevitably leave. Oh. Oh God. Dean buried his head in his hands. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…”
Because this chapter's so long, I've had to post it in two parts. The next section is here
Chapter - 7/?
Author - lafleurdumal85
Rating - NC-17
Summary - High school AU. It's Dean's senior year at Lawrence High, and he's already given up on himself. It takes the arrival of the strange, intense, awkward Castiel Delacroix at the school to prove to Dean that maybe his life is worth saving after all.
Chapter warnings - language, underage drinking, sexual references, kissing
Spoilers - References to characters from seasons 1-6. Apart from that, it's completely AU.
“Hey, Cas, guess what? I read a book over Christmas.”
“You did?” Dean knew Castiel was smiling even though they were talking over the phone, and it made him smile too.
“Yup. A whole book, from start to finish. Just for the hell of it. I haven’t done that since I grew out of Dr Seuss. It was Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, and it was friggin’ awesome. Sam lent it to me.”
“I haven’t read that one. I enjoyed American Gods though - I think you’d like it.”
Dean laughed. “Look at us, having a conversation about books. What the hell have you done to me, Cas?”
“I take it you had a good Christmas?”
“Yeah, it was great. I ate too much, Sam got over-excited and fell down the stairs, my dad set fire to the table cloth a little bit... How was yours?”
“Yes. Good. It was fine. I’m... I’m looking forward to seeing you again. At school.”
“Yeah.” Dean smiled. “Yeah, me too.”
...
The real turning point came at the end of January. The start of the new semester had gone smoothly. Dean had turned eighteen, and had been given tickets to the rock festival in Kansas City he’d been dying to attend. His grades had continued to improve, and Castiel had continued to tutor him. The study dates were more a matter of habit now. Dean was just about back on track with everything, and it wasn’t like he ever expected to get the kind of grades Cas did. He just needed to graduate. The company was nice though, and it was easier to work when there was someone working beside him.
Dean habitually sat with Castiel in study hall as well. It was just because it made things easier; he got restless and distracted if he didn’t. So it was that he felt a strong surge of annoyance when he walked into the classroom for the study period he and his friend shared on Monday morning to see that Tara Bury was sitting right next to Castiel. Cas was poring over his English notes for the big test he had on Friday and couldn’t have been less interested in Tara, but she kept glancing over at him with that little coy smile. Dean narrowed his eyes. How she could make such a disgusting display in a public place was beyond him. Some girls had no shame.
“Hey, Tara!” he hissed. “You’re kinda in my seat there.”
She looked up at him coldly. “This is study hall, there are no assigned seats. There are plenty of other places to sit.”
“Exactly! So if you wouldn’t mind moving...”
“No! I’m sitting here! Find somewhere else, Dean.”
Dean inhaled deeply. So that’s how it was. Fine, he was willing to play dirty. Cas shouldn’t have to put up with her unwanted attentions. He dragged a chair over from another desk and squeezed himself into the narrow gap between Tara and his friend. Tara made a small noise of outrage, but Dean saw the corner of Castiel’s mouth twitch a little like it did when he wanted to smile.
When the bell rang, they walked to the cafeteria together.
Cas handed Dean a notebook. “I’ve brought my old calculus notes for you, if you’re still struggling.” He still looked thoroughly amused.
Dean grinned. “Cas, you’re an angel.”
The other boy scowled half-heartedly. “Don’t be facetious.”
Dean glanced at him sideways. There was a lightness about Castiel today; a spark of something beneath his trademark stoicism. “What’s got you in such a good mood?”
Castiel looked at him cautiously. “Do you promise not to tell anyone just yet?”
“Sure.”
Castiel took a deep breath. “I’ve been accepted to Cornell. I found out at the weekend.”
Dean felt himself go hot, then immediately cold. “Cornell... the school?”
“Yes. Their arts faculty is excellent, and they have a beautiful library. I only applied on the off-chance - I thought that as I’ve been home-schooled most of my life it might stand against me, but... but they liked my application so much they’ve accepted me without an interview!” He smiled then, one of his rare, true smiles, and Dean felt like there really wasn’t enough air in his lungs.
“That’s great, Cas!” he enthused, his voice sounding horribly over-bright. “So... you’re actually going to college!”
Castiel’s expression clouded a little. “I haven’t told my family yet; I’m waiting for the right time. I don’t suppose they’ll be terribly happy, but I can’t see what they can do. It’s not as though I’ll be cutting myself off from the church. I can still work from them while I’m away, and I’ll be back in the holidays. Besides, I’m eighteen now. I can make my own choices.” He smiled again, like happiness was a new concept and it scared him a little.
Dean kind of felt like he wanted to throw up. “That’s great, Cas! It’s awesome! I’m so happy for you!”
“Dean, are you all right?”
“I’m fine! Listen, I have to bail. I said I’d, uh, pick up some extra test papers from Henricksen. I’ll see you later, okay?” Dean hated the false brightness in his voice, and he walked away quickly because his smile was making his face hurt.
Dean didn’t think about where he was going, he just knew that he had to get out because this place was suffocating him. He felt like punching something. God, he’d been such a fucking idiot to even hope that Cas was going to stay. He was way too good for a place like this. He had an amazing future ahead of him, a future that didn’t involve Dean. Dean should be happy for him instead of moping around like a little bitch because he was going to lose the one thing that he... God, he was a fucking idiot.
Somehow, Dean found himself wandering over the sports field towards the bleachers. He knew exactly what he was doing there, and he knew who he was looking for. Sure enough, Steve, Karl and Laura were there smoking. They all looked a little surprised to see him - Dean hadn’t hung out with them in weeks.
“Winchester!” Steve eyed him suspiciously. “Where the hell have you been?”
Dean forced a laugh. “I’ve just been busy. You know, extra hours at work.”
“How come you’ve been hanging around Jesus boy? Are you two, like, best friends now? Does he make you do Bible study with him?”
“No! It’s not... it’s nothing. I just talked him into letting me copy his notes and shit. Anyway, that’s all over now.” He grinned. “I’m a free man again.”
Karl laughed stupidly. “Nice! Cause a bunch of us are gonna be hanging at the park tonight having a few drinks. You up for it?”
Dean didn’t even have to think about it. Anything to dull the ache in his chest. “Absolutely.”
...
There was a little voice in the back of Dean’s head that told him it would be a terrible idea to call Cas. It was the same voice that reminded him to pretend to be happy, pretend not to care, make the people he loved think he was okay so he wouldn’t become a burden.
Then again, there was the drunk part of him that just didn’t give a damn about any of that, and right now Drunk Dean was winning.
“Dean?”
“Hey, Cas.”
“Dean, it’s eleven at night. I was asleep.”
“Yeah... sorry about that. I just... Cas, I wanted to...”
“Dean, are you drunk?”
“See, I knew you’d do that. I can feel the judgement radiating out of the phone, Cas. It’s so easy for you to be superior up in your attic-”
“Dean, where are you?”
“I’m in Centennial Park. And... and you need to stop doing this to me. You need to stop-”
“I’m on my way. Stay where you are.” Castiel hung up.
It took Dean a couple of minutes of glaring at his cell phone to figure out what had just happened. Castiel was on his way here, to the park, to collect Dean as if he was a naughty child. Son of a bitch! What the hell had Dean been thinking, calling him up like that? What had he been trying to prove? Dean went back to join the others; he didn’t know what to do now. He looked at the people around him, all drunk or stoned, lying around stupidly, staring at nothing. His kind of people. Dean suddenly felt so depressed he wanted to die.
Eventually, Dean pulled his phone out again and clumsily sent a text to Cas telling him not to come. He got a reply within seconds. I’M 5 MINUTES AWAY. STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
Damn it! How the hell did Cas get here so fast? Okay, so the park wasn’t far from his house, but how did he even get out? Dean wished he hadn’t gotten drunk. He kept looking around - he hoped that he could just slip away when he saw Cas and that the others would be too out of it to notice.
Sadly, it was Dean who was too out of it to notice. He couldn’t see how because he really had been on the look-out, but Castiel was suddenly there, right in front of him, giving Dean his best ‘you’ve really let me down this time’ face.
“I’m taking you home.”
“Cas, it’s fine. You shouldn’t have come.”
“Well, I have, and now we’re leaving.”
“I’m not a fucking kid, okay!” Dean shook him off.
He’d spoken a little too loudly - the others looked up to see what the commotion was. Steve got to his feet unsteadily. “What the hell is he doing here? Seriously, Winchester, is he stalking you or something? Nobody called the God Squad!”
“Back off, okay?” Dean mumbled. “It’s cool.”
“I’m here to collect Dean,” Castiel said coldly.
“Cas, would you let me handle this? You shouldn’t even be here.”
“Yeah, get the hell out of here, freak!” Steve shoved Castiel hard in the chest, clearly too stupid or too drunk to remember what had happened last time he’d tried that.
Castiel stepped forward, crowding himself into Steve’s space, and Dean couldn’t help but feel awed by the sheer electric power his quiet, unassuming friend could evoke. “Do you really want to start with me?” he said softly.
Steve blinked and stepped back. “Fine. You two go off and be gay together or whatever.”
Dean stepped forward angrily, but Castiel held him back. “Dean, leave it. We’re going.” He gripped Dean’s arm painfully and practically dragged him away.
“Cas, why the hell did you come out here?” Dean panted. “It was fine. I’m sorry I called you, but I don’t need you fucking rescuing me, okay? And how the hell did you even get permission to come anyway?”
“I didn’t,” came the curt reply. “No one knows I’m here. And evidently you do need rescuing. Dean, I’m sick of watching you indulge in this idiotic, self-destructive behavior, and I won’t tolerate it. You can do better than that.”
“No, you can! You’re the one who’s gonna get out of here and do something amazing, not me. I’m a fucking lifer, all right?”
Castiel shook his head. “I’m so tired of hearing this from you.”
“Well, I’m sorry for being boring. I’m sure you’ll find yourself a much less tedious set of friends at Cornell.”
Castiel pulled up short. “Dean, why did you call me tonight? If you didn’t really want me to come out here, then why?”
“I... I don’t know, I was drunk.”
“But you’ve been doing so well.” Castiel’s eyes were earnest and impossibly blue in the moonlight.
Dean’s teeth were chattering. “Yeah well... sometimes I feel like I can hardly hold it together, okay? You know, you’ve got all these options and all this future ahead of you, and when I look into my future I just see... I just see more years of boredom and disappointment and guilt. And you’re not gonna be there. So forgive me for needing a little distraction occasionally.”
Castiel looked genuinely hurt. “I’m sure you’ll get over it,” he whispered. “Once you’ve successfully graduated you won’t be needing my assistance anymore.”
Dean blinked. “Is that what you think? What, you think I only spend time with you because you help me study?”
Castiel looked away. “We should get going, I don’t want to be up all night. I’ll see you home.” He walked away and Dean followed him, feeling increasingly frustrated.
They caught the night bus back to Dean’s part of town, and Castiel refused to engage in conversation, staring passively out of the window despite Dean’s attempts to get his attention.
Then Castiel went as far as to walk Dean home from the bus stop.
Dean protested that he was fine, he hadn’t drunk that much, and he didn’t need a minder, but Cas had given him that look, and Dean had shut up. He had to concede to himself that seeing as he’d almost died the last time he’s wandered around by himself when he was drunk, he probably did need a minder.
They walked in silence. The cold night air cleared Dean’s head, and he was soon completely sober. He glanced over at his friend; Castiel looked thoughtful and serious. Not that that was much of a change, but Dean could tell that there was something particular on his mind. When they reached Dean’s house they stopped, and Dean turned to Castiel expectantly.
“Okay, Cas, what is it?”
Castiel didn't bother pretending not to know what Dean was talking about. “Why do you really spend time with those people?” He gave Dean a long, penetrating look.
Dean looked away, uncomfortable. “Well… why not?”
“They’re not good friends, and you know it. You don’t even like them.”
Castiel had that talent for stating uncomfortable truths.
Dean shrugged, turning away.
“Dean.”
“What?” Dean felt like the night was closing in on him.
“You deserve better. You have better.”
Dean looked at his friend. Castiel was gazing at him with big, serious eyes, and it struck Dean that this was all so ridiculous. Cas was one of those rare, good people who hadn’t been tainted by the world. He simply couldn’t see that Dean didn’t have any other options, that the world had already had its way with him. He couldn’t see that Dean didn’t deserve the friendship of someone like him.
“What does it even matter?” Dean muttered.
“It matters because this is your life, Dean!” Castiel’s jaw was set. “I’m sick of you talking about it not mattering, when you have so many people around you who love you. I mean, do you even realize how fortunate you are? Do you have any idea what I would give to…” He turned away, frustrated.
“Cas, don’t. Don’t do that. Of course I know I’m lucky. Hell, I’ve been handed everything on a plate. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m… that I’m… It’s me, Cas. Not my life, me. All the chances I’ve been given, and I still screw it up. I’m a loser. And… and you caring and trying to fix me only makes it worse because I know that in a few months you’re gonna go off to some Ivy League school, and you’re gonna have this amazing life, and… and you’re gonna forget all about me.”
The look in Castiel’s eyes was painful. “Dean…”
“This is it for me. I mean, I’m never gonna leave Lawrence. I’ll scrape through high school if I’m lucky, but then what? I’ll work at my dad’s garage, get a cheap downtown apartment, have a series of casual relationships and one night stands until I get old and no one wants me anymore. And then I’ll just rot here. And you and Jo and Sammy… you’re all gonna leave. You all have futures and potential, and you’ll leave and forget about me. So… so what if I hang out with losers? Because at the end of the day, I’m one of them.”
Castiel shook his head. “You have no idea…”
Dean couldn’t look at him anymore. “Don’t think I’m not grateful. I mean, someone like you taking the time to… to help me out and… well, it means a lot. It means everything. But honestly? Maybe it would’ve been better for everyone if you’d just left me in the water and-”
Castiel shoved Dean hard in the chest, knocking the breath out of him. “Don’t you ever say that!” he hissed. “Do you have any idea what you’ve… Do you even know what my life was like before I met you?”
“Cas,” Dean choked. “Don’t. Just… just stop caring. I can’t… you’re gonna leave and… and if you care, it’s just… Cas, why even bother with me?”
Castiel’s expression was unfathomable. “You really have no idea, do you? Dean, is your opinion of yourself that low that you can’t see what you mean to… to… to everyone? That you can’t see your worth?” He lowered his hands, but didn’t move away.
Dean shook his head. “Why would you even bother, though?” he whispered. “You could have anything, and you’re… you’re…”
Castiel was trying to say something, Dean could tell. Clearly, he was trying to think up some good reason, any reason, that he had bothered with Dean for so long, aside from a sense of charity. He wasn’t going to be able to come up with anything, Dean thought. He would realize that Dean had been right, that he’d been wasting his time. And then he would walk away.
Instead, Castiel kissed him. Hard and desperate and painful. Dean made a small noise of surprise, too astonished by what was happening to respond, too astonished to even think. And then before his brain could even attempt to unfreeze, Castiel had pushed away from him violently. He was staring at Dean, wide-eyed and horrified. “I… I’m so sorry,” he gasped. “I didn’t mean… Oh God.” He turned and ran, and Dean tried to go after him, tried to call his name, but Castiel’s lips must have had some kind of paralyzing agent in them because by the time Dean had forced himself to move, the other boy was long gone. Dean stood tingling in the darkness, staring into space, for an unfathomable amount of time before he realized that it was freezing cold, and he forced himself to turn around and go into the house.
Much to Dean’s dismay, his parents were still up, watching TV in the front room.
“Dean!” Mary said. “It’s gone midnight! We were worried; you should have called.”
Dean stared at her stupidly.
“Dean!” John was using his military voice, which was never good. “Did you hear your mother? Where the hell have you been? It’s a school night, for chrissake! What are you-” He stared at Dean. “What the hell is wrong with you? Did someone slip you some roofies of something?”
Dean blinked a couple of times; he needed to get his shit together. “Uh… no. No, I’m just really, really tired. I’m sorry, I… forgot the time. I’m sorry, Mom. Dad.” Dean turned around and headed for the stairs. John started to go after him, presumably to question him further, but much to Dean’s relief Mary held him back.
As soon as Dean was in his room, he slumped on the floor, his back against the door, and stared. What had just happened was so surreal, so unexpected, that Dean was starting to doubt that it had actually taken place. He ran his tongue along his lips slowly, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the door with a soft thud. Castiel had kissed him. Dean still had the taste of him, and it made him shiver. “Oh fuck,” he whispered. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck…”
Dean got to his feet and paced his room. Then he threw himself face-down on the bed. Then he got up again and resumed pacing. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He felt feverish. What the hell had just happened? Castiel had kissed him, and it had made him feel… oh, fuck! This was ridiculous. It hadn’t even lasted that long! There hadn’t even been any tongue involved! It was not the kind of kiss you get worked up over, yet Dean had felt more passion in those few brief seconds than he’d ever… oh, fuck. He scrubbed a hand over his face. Dean liked girls. Girls, with their curves and their soft hair and their breasts. Dean smiled dreamily to himself, momentarily distracted. Breasts. He shook his head. He was good at being with girls; he’d always known, instinctively, what he had to do to be with them. He knew all the lines, all the moves, and he’d always been happy with that. Hell, it was one of the few things Dean had felt confident that he could do. He was certain that he’d never been attracted to another guy before. He thought about kissing Steve, and almost physically recoiled. That, however, probably had more to do with the fact that Steve was, well, Steve. And here he was, feeling all warm and tingly over Castiel, who was most definitely a guy. He sat down on the bed, slowly rocking back and forth. This was madness. It couldn’t be happening to him. He was just… confused or something. Although confusion rarely left him with such sweaty palms.
Dean closed his eyes and breathed in deeply through his nose, trying to calm down. He needed to think this through logically. Castiel had just kissed him, and Dean been really shocked but… he had liked it. Maybe that was just a natural physical reaction to being kissed. No, that didn’t make any sense. Still, he’d never thought about Castiel this way before tonight, had he? He thought about how he felt when he was with Cas. How he always looked forward to seeing him, even if it was just to study. How sometimes the prospect of seeing Castiel was the only thing that got him to school. He thought of how much he hated it when Cas hung out with other people, and how he dreaded the day when the other boy would inevitably leave. Oh. Oh God. Dean buried his head in his hands. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…”
Because this chapter's so long, I've had to post it in two parts. The next section is here