Lead the Way - Chapter 078 - Wild Card
What a relief! The test is over and done with and I can now focus my energies on my gf and planning my next trip :) Did you guys know just how many fun things there are to do? Unbelievable!
Ah, but back to Emily and JJ. As you might have noticed in the last chapter, communication is developing between these two. However, I am a firm believer in realism and I don't think that they would just sit down and talk it all over in one big session, falling asleep totally drained and having sex the next morning, after which they're off to a perfect relationship.
So it might take a couple of chapters, but communication is developing :)
Lead the Way - 078 - Wild Card
This time there was no card. It made sense, considering that JJ held a letter in her hands. Once again, she recognized Emily’s handwriting. The envelope read: ‘Missing you’. Inside she found strange words.
JJ couldn’t even tell what language they were in. She read them aloud, thinking she could guess their meaning when she heard them.
Der Panther
Sein Blick ist vom Vorübergehn der Stäbe
so müd geworden, dass er nichts mehr hält.
Ihm ist, als ob es tausend Stäbe gäbe
und hinter tausend Stäben keine Welt.
Der weiche Gang geschmeidig starker Schritte,
der sich im allerkleinsten Kreise dreht,
ist wie ein Tanz von Kraft um eine Mitte,
in der betäubt ein großer Wille steht.
Nur manchmal schiebt der Vorhang der Pupille
sich lautlos auf - Dann geht ein Bild hinein,
geht durch der Glieder angespannte Stille -
und hört im Herzen auf zu sein.
Rainer Maria Rilke
No. She still had no idea what they meant. She picked up her laptop and googled one verse. She found a translation and then another and another. One she particularly liked she bookmarked:
The Panther
His vision, from the constantly passing bars,
has grown so weary that it cannot hold
anything else. It seems to him there are
a thousand bars; and behind the bars, no world.
As he paces in cramped circles, over and over,
the movement of his powerful soft strides
is like a ritual dance around a center
in which a mighty will stands paralyzed.
Only at times, the curtain of the pupils
lifts, quietly. An image enters in,
rushes down through the tensed, arrested muscles,
plunges into the heart and is gone.
Soon enough she came to understand why Emily had chosen the German original. It was hard to grasp and translate, from what she could tell, but beautiful and sad. She didn’t comprehend though, what this had to do with Emily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Pen? You know how you always say there’s nothing you can’t find out?”
“Uh! I smell a challenge in my future.”
“Maybe. See, Lauren, got this letter…”
“Your sister?”
“Yes.”
“Alright, go on.”
“Well she got this letter and she doesn’t know what it means, and I don’t know either.”
“Why doesn’t she ask her boyfriend?”
“They’re not together anymore and it would be kind of awkward, because she’s not even sure it’s from him.”
“I see. Show me the letter.” JJ handed her a printout of the translation. She didn’t know if Garcia would recognize Emily’s handwriting and it was in German anyway.
“Well, it’s clearly about loneliness.”
“Yeah, I figured.” JJ sighed.
“You should ask…” ‘Oh JJ you’re good. You almost had me fooled, you little sneak. Lauren’s boyfriend... You got this from Emily, didn’t you?’ But JJ had been very clear about Garcia not butting in on her private life with Emily and she had to respect that. Just because she needed her help now, didn’t give her the right to meddle. Well, maybe just a little.
“Give me a minute or two. I want to look up a couple of things. Do you want to wait or…?”
“Text me?”
“Absolutely.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JJ went back to her office wondering if her best friend had bought her cover story. She hadn’t been very creative, but hopefully the challenge would distract her from that. She picked up a case file and read through the first six pages of the report. Then she noticed that she had no idea what she had just read.
Finally her cell phone rang. Garcia was done. She ran over to 615W Digital Analysis and stopped in front of the door. She exhaled, trying very hard not to appear too eager to hear what Garcia had found out.
“So? Did you figure it out?”
“You knew I would.” Penelope smiled and hoped that JJ would understand what Emily had been trying to say. “So, I’ve asked around and it turns out, the poem is about being caged, not lonely. That the narrator is saying: Hey, I see where I would like to be, but I’ll never get there anyway, so I’ll just pace around and be broody. But then, and this happens every now and then, she, I mean he, sees something that makes him forget all of these depressing bars around him and it makes him stop and wonder, you know, what could be, if only. And then he realizes it’s completely useless and he dies a little inside. It’s so touching.”
“Touching, sure.” Lost in her own thoughts JJ left Garcia’s office.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Emily sat in the break room, reading the newspaper. A big fire at a recreational center in Royal, Indiana killed 12 people. She had trouble focusing on the article as she’d just seen JJ go in and out of her office twice since she’d left her that letter.
Would she understand what she had meant? Would she discard it because she didn’t speak German? No, JJ would know that there was more to it than boasting about her language skills. Besides, she didn’t even speak German.
Many years ago, back at Yale, her literature teacher had seen more in her. She had been impressed with Emily’s long list of languages and she had seen talent in the young woman. Mrs. Forrester never had been shy when it came to encouraging Emily.
For the Ambassador’s daughter, it had been a game. Could she seduce the married woman? She fantasized about her conquest, about what it would mean to make a woman cheat on a man with her. She didn’t care about Mrs. Forrester’s feelings, or what a mess she would leave behind once she put her clothes back on. She didn’t even care that she was pretty.
All she cared about was herself. She never did seduce her teacher. All she managed to do was disappoint her. Emily was too ashamed of her failure to go back to class. Instead of confronting her, Mrs. Forrester had sent her that poem.
Emily spent a few days in the library finding a translation. She didn’t realize what the author had meant, she couldn’t relate to the panther. It took years for her to grasp what Mrs. Forrester had seen in her.
That she was caged. That she had caged herself. That her refusing to make a deeper connection would isolate her not only from others but from herself as well. That she would be stuck in her lonely empty world because once she grew accustomed to it, she would never dare change it for fear it could get worse.
The panther could have tried to get out. He could have stopped eating. He had options. Yet he chose to die emotionally because no one was rescuing him. Emily was done being the panther. She was ready to be free to love and hurt. She was willing to admit that she needed JJ, that she liked her.
Someone was standing next to her. She looked up and saw that the blue eyes were filled with questions. Because there were others in the room, she couldn’t speak up. Emily followed her outside to an empty hallway.
JJ whispered: “Those iron bars…”
“Will.”
“I’m not seeing him.”
Emily’s heart leaped. So she had ended it with him! She really did have a fighting chance to get her angel back! Smiling just a little, she said: “You were.”
“You pushed me into his arms.” The tone was accusatory.
“No, I pushed you to be honest about your relationship with him.” Emily defended herself. She had gone over that conversation a million times in her head. She would make the same choice today. As long as JJ didn’t want to be with her, she had no right to keep her from being happy with someone else; man or woman.
“You could have let me leave him.”
“I thought he could make you happy.
“You were wrong.”
“It’s been known to happen.” Emily smiled sadly as JJ walked away.
Ah, but back to Emily and JJ. As you might have noticed in the last chapter, communication is developing between these two. However, I am a firm believer in realism and I don't think that they would just sit down and talk it all over in one big session, falling asleep totally drained and having sex the next morning, after which they're off to a perfect relationship.
So it might take a couple of chapters, but communication is developing :)
Lead the Way - 078 - Wild Card
This time there was no card. It made sense, considering that JJ held a letter in her hands. Once again, she recognized Emily’s handwriting. The envelope read: ‘Missing you’. Inside she found strange words.
JJ couldn’t even tell what language they were in. She read them aloud, thinking she could guess their meaning when she heard them.
Der Panther
Sein Blick ist vom Vorübergehn der Stäbe
so müd geworden, dass er nichts mehr hält.
Ihm ist, als ob es tausend Stäbe gäbe
und hinter tausend Stäben keine Welt.
Der weiche Gang geschmeidig starker Schritte,
der sich im allerkleinsten Kreise dreht,
ist wie ein Tanz von Kraft um eine Mitte,
in der betäubt ein großer Wille steht.
Nur manchmal schiebt der Vorhang der Pupille
sich lautlos auf - Dann geht ein Bild hinein,
geht durch der Glieder angespannte Stille -
und hört im Herzen auf zu sein.
Rainer Maria Rilke
No. She still had no idea what they meant. She picked up her laptop and googled one verse. She found a translation and then another and another. One she particularly liked she bookmarked:
The Panther
His vision, from the constantly passing bars,
has grown so weary that it cannot hold
anything else. It seems to him there are
a thousand bars; and behind the bars, no world.
As he paces in cramped circles, over and over,
the movement of his powerful soft strides
is like a ritual dance around a center
in which a mighty will stands paralyzed.
Only at times, the curtain of the pupils
lifts, quietly. An image enters in,
rushes down through the tensed, arrested muscles,
plunges into the heart and is gone.
Soon enough she came to understand why Emily had chosen the German original. It was hard to grasp and translate, from what she could tell, but beautiful and sad. She didn’t comprehend though, what this had to do with Emily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Pen? You know how you always say there’s nothing you can’t find out?”
“Uh! I smell a challenge in my future.”
“Maybe. See, Lauren, got this letter…”
“Your sister?”
“Yes.”
“Alright, go on.”
“Well she got this letter and she doesn’t know what it means, and I don’t know either.”
“Why doesn’t she ask her boyfriend?”
“They’re not together anymore and it would be kind of awkward, because she’s not even sure it’s from him.”
“I see. Show me the letter.” JJ handed her a printout of the translation. She didn’t know if Garcia would recognize Emily’s handwriting and it was in German anyway.
“Well, it’s clearly about loneliness.”
“Yeah, I figured.” JJ sighed.
“You should ask…” ‘Oh JJ you’re good. You almost had me fooled, you little sneak. Lauren’s boyfriend... You got this from Emily, didn’t you?’ But JJ had been very clear about Garcia not butting in on her private life with Emily and she had to respect that. Just because she needed her help now, didn’t give her the right to meddle. Well, maybe just a little.
“Give me a minute or two. I want to look up a couple of things. Do you want to wait or…?”
“Text me?”
“Absolutely.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JJ went back to her office wondering if her best friend had bought her cover story. She hadn’t been very creative, but hopefully the challenge would distract her from that. She picked up a case file and read through the first six pages of the report. Then she noticed that she had no idea what she had just read.
Finally her cell phone rang. Garcia was done. She ran over to 615W Digital Analysis and stopped in front of the door. She exhaled, trying very hard not to appear too eager to hear what Garcia had found out.
“So? Did you figure it out?”
“You knew I would.” Penelope smiled and hoped that JJ would understand what Emily had been trying to say. “So, I’ve asked around and it turns out, the poem is about being caged, not lonely. That the narrator is saying: Hey, I see where I would like to be, but I’ll never get there anyway, so I’ll just pace around and be broody. But then, and this happens every now and then, she, I mean he, sees something that makes him forget all of these depressing bars around him and it makes him stop and wonder, you know, what could be, if only. And then he realizes it’s completely useless and he dies a little inside. It’s so touching.”
“Touching, sure.” Lost in her own thoughts JJ left Garcia’s office.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Emily sat in the break room, reading the newspaper. A big fire at a recreational center in Royal, Indiana killed 12 people. She had trouble focusing on the article as she’d just seen JJ go in and out of her office twice since she’d left her that letter.
Would she understand what she had meant? Would she discard it because she didn’t speak German? No, JJ would know that there was more to it than boasting about her language skills. Besides, she didn’t even speak German.
Many years ago, back at Yale, her literature teacher had seen more in her. She had been impressed with Emily’s long list of languages and she had seen talent in the young woman. Mrs. Forrester never had been shy when it came to encouraging Emily.
For the Ambassador’s daughter, it had been a game. Could she seduce the married woman? She fantasized about her conquest, about what it would mean to make a woman cheat on a man with her. She didn’t care about Mrs. Forrester’s feelings, or what a mess she would leave behind once she put her clothes back on. She didn’t even care that she was pretty.
All she cared about was herself. She never did seduce her teacher. All she managed to do was disappoint her. Emily was too ashamed of her failure to go back to class. Instead of confronting her, Mrs. Forrester had sent her that poem.
Emily spent a few days in the library finding a translation. She didn’t realize what the author had meant, she couldn’t relate to the panther. It took years for her to grasp what Mrs. Forrester had seen in her.
That she was caged. That she had caged herself. That her refusing to make a deeper connection would isolate her not only from others but from herself as well. That she would be stuck in her lonely empty world because once she grew accustomed to it, she would never dare change it for fear it could get worse.
The panther could have tried to get out. He could have stopped eating. He had options. Yet he chose to die emotionally because no one was rescuing him. Emily was done being the panther. She was ready to be free to love and hurt. She was willing to admit that she needed JJ, that she liked her.
Someone was standing next to her. She looked up and saw that the blue eyes were filled with questions. Because there were others in the room, she couldn’t speak up. Emily followed her outside to an empty hallway.
JJ whispered: “Those iron bars…”
“Will.”
“I’m not seeing him.”
Emily’s heart leaped. So she had ended it with him! She really did have a fighting chance to get her angel back! Smiling just a little, she said: “You were.”
“You pushed me into his arms.” The tone was accusatory.
“No, I pushed you to be honest about your relationship with him.” Emily defended herself. She had gone over that conversation a million times in her head. She would make the same choice today. As long as JJ didn’t want to be with her, she had no right to keep her from being happy with someone else; man or woman.
“You could have let me leave him.”
“I thought he could make you happy.
“You were wrong.”
“It’s been known to happen.” Emily smiled sadly as JJ walked away.