Huh. Well, okay, I think

[ladyqkat]

I am having an interesting epiphany and have no clue how to use the knowledge to help myself. What follows is just an interesting observation of my reactions to certain interactions and, please, please, not a request for ego-boo or such. Just a note for me to mull over and find a process to work with.

Comments

[cjsmith]

It was easier when I was employable and bringing in money because then I could kind of throw money (or purchased things) at people to get them to at least accept me.

Oh wow, this rings true for me too. I presume I won't be liked, but if I can bring the good wine to the party I figure they'll let me in the door. And now that I'm not bringing in money, I have to figure out why anybody would like me at all. So... yeah. Similar thought process. (Dunno what that's worth, of course.)

[ladyqkat]

Well, if I ever figure out how to bypass the mental tapes, I'll clue you in. *grin*

I think this is also one reason I value my on-line friends a lot. I offer nothing but words on the screen and you (inclusive) accept me and my words without me having to, usually, second guess things. The default assumption in this medium is that if someone doesn't like me or what I have to say they can leave or by-pass the entry and I'll never know. And if someone tries to trounce me in my own space I can dismiss them from my space.

I have banished the Russian trolls and someone who I used to know in meatspace. I don't like doing that, but this is my space.

[irismoonlight]

Oddly enough, you might find not having the money to "bribe" people with forces you to deal with an issue that's been holding you back all your life. A silver lining of sorts.

Self hatred is one of the hardest issues I had to deal with in therapy and it still rears its ugly head from time to time. If it helps any, insecurity is rampant. Arrogant people often are hiding raging insecurities.

I had to get to the point of liking/valuing myself before I could make any progress on believing I was valuable to others. That involved taking seriously and valuing the things I brought to the table, honoring others when they gave me compliments ("it's insulting to blow off someone's compliment to you, accept it already"), internalizing things others valued about me that I thought were important.

On a total aside, I don't know (or care) how old you are, but I have a friend who's on Medisomething, (Medicare? Medicaid?) and they pay for her hearing aids.

[ladyqkat]

sordak has VA and Medicare. I do not qualify for Medicare and his VA disability is 30% which omits me. I have absolutely no medical what-so-ever. The minimal charge for the "free" clinic is more than what we can afford at this time. Which is also why I am no longer on my depression meds.

[ladyqkat]

BTW - thank you for the input. It does help. It is just putting it into play in my wonky brain that is problematical.