Actually Lorannon spoke -very- differently in the old version, and he wasn't drinking. That was a little bit of tweaking on my part. What this story REALLY needs is a total rewrite, though, not a tweaking!
I think genuine small children can be lots of fun. But -these- two are completely artificial bits of fairy floss I just want to ... well, let's just keep it PG and say that I share your sentiments. ;D
Huh, the kids didn't seem too sweet too me. Conniving little rascals.
I quite enjoyed the pov on this, I do like seeing familiar characters from a stranger's view, it's so refreshing. Just a thoroughly enjoyable read all around, I liked Lorannon a lot in this, probably because he's not being smart-mouthed.
The whole Keminaré bit was hilarious, as was the kids 'triumphal procession.'
Was reading just for fun, but one thing did jump out: "Dray stared captiously at the clothes underneath the cloak." oooh, brand new adjective there. ;)
I'd ask for more, but a) It's not for me, and b) You've got a LOT you're already working on *nudgenudgebook2prologuenudge* ;)
Oh, you're being extremely kind, dear, but I'm afraid I'm with Pantha - those two kids generally feel to me like artificial movie-kids, not real kids. Real kids are so much more -natural- and devious. ;D
You made me all insecure about 'captiously', so I had to go check, but here it is in my dictionary (captious/captiously): it means 'in a fault-finding, skeptical or suspicious manner'. In other words, Dray was doubtful about what Lorannon was going to be wearing, but he actually did turn out to have a uniform.
And thankee very much for reading! I was quite surprised that you liked this one - going soft in your old age, perhaps? ;D *ducks*
WELL...*blushes* thanks for teaching me a new word! I could swear I'd never seen that one before, but there it was, grinning up at me from my dictionary. =P
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I want a sparky sword too!
Loved the smugness as they passed all their friends too.
So do Dray and Triptie join the ranks of the paladins?
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I think genuine small children can be lots of fun. But -these- two are completely artificial bits of fairy floss I just want to ... well, let's just keep it PG and say that I share your sentiments. ;D
Thankee muchly, Pantha!
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Huh, the kids didn't seem too sweet too me. Conniving little rascals.
I quite enjoyed the pov on this, I do like seeing familiar characters from a stranger's view, it's so refreshing. Just a thoroughly enjoyable read all around, I liked Lorannon a lot in this, probably because he's not being smart-mouthed.
The whole Keminaré bit was hilarious, as was the kids 'triumphal procession.'
Was reading just for fun, but one thing did jump out:
"Dray stared captiously at the clothes underneath the cloak." oooh, brand new
adjective there. ;)
I'd ask for more, but a) It's not for me, and b) You've got a LOT you're already working on *nudgenudgebook2prologuenudge* ;)
Reply
You made me all insecure about 'captiously', so I had to go check, but here it is in my dictionary (captious/captiously): it means 'in a fault-finding, skeptical or suspicious manner'. In other words, Dray was doubtful about what Lorannon was going to be wearing, but he actually did turn out to have a uniform.
And thankee very much for reading! I was quite surprised that you liked this one - going soft in your old age, perhaps? ;D *ducks*
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