FIC: Debunking Dating for Desperate Dudes

[ladydreamer]

Title: Debunking Dating for Desperate Dudes
Pairing: pre-slash Finn/Kurt
Word Count: ~4000
For this prompt on the finnkurt prompt meme: Finn buys a tape for desperate single men, and all of his answers come up Kurt.
Summary: All through high school and college, Finn found himself unlucky in love. In that all of his relationships have all kind of sucked. He’s starting to think that he’s choosing the wrong kind of girl, so he listens to an audiobook for desperate guys looking to have better relationships. As he listens and reflects on what he wants in a relationship, he finds there's really only one answer: Kurt.


Finn checked the battery on his iPod, then hopped on the treadmill.

If his friends knew what he was listening to as he worked out everyday, there’d be some raucous laughter for sure. Not that he and the boys didn’t hang around on their breaks talking about sports and joking about how crappy their relationships were. But Finn wasn’t thrilled about how bad all of his Big Deal relationships had been.

April Geller during that weekend of the 8th grade senior trip, and the week of the Spring Dance. The whole Quinn thing, part one and two. Rachel, on again, off again, on again, over and over until they both were exhausted. Dana, Strawberry, Miranda, Penny... Yeah, they’d all had some good times, and he’d cared about all of them, but nothing really ever clicked or was easy with them. Some of the relationships fed off of drama, but never passion (except Penny), and he was never really comfortable with the women he dated.

Not like some of his friends were, in their relationships, or Burt and his mom. They were romantic, in quiet ways, but they also had a sense of peace around one another. He wanted that. Something good, that clicked. He wasn’t afraid to work for it, but it shouldn’t be a constant fight. Or so Finn hoped. That couldn’t be what relationships were supposed to be like.

He turned on his audiobook: Debunking Dating for Desperate Dudes.

Okay, so the name was dumb. It was a hook. There were parts that were relentlessly funny. The author took time in the intro to mention the most ridiculous ways he’d screwed up his relationships. The first chapter got more serious, despite being entitled Get Out of Your Own Way, Dude! It had made Finn a little uncomfortable to recognize some of the stuff he did (or most often, didn’t do) in a relationship. So he figured he’d listen to the whole thing.

He turned up the speed on his treadmill and moved into a jog.

“Chapter Two: Who are you looking for anyway, dude?” the narrator read.

Finn chuckled.

“Now that you’ve taken a good look at yourself, you need to think about the kind of person you want in your life. Often, men will stop too soon. I like boobs! I’m an ass man! Sound familiar? It’s not just about the physical, although in Chapter Three, we’ll discuss what attracts you and what weight you should put on that initial attraction.

When it comes down to it, if you’ve been dating all the wrong women, maybe you need to think of the kind of person, not the kind of body, you want to spend your life with. If you’ve gotten to the point of reading this book, you’re looking for something that lasts more than a weekend. To do that, you need compatibility.”

“Good luck,” Finn muttered. He brushed his hair out of his eyes and took a swig of water.

“The following list of questions should help you start thinking about the women already in your life who you care about on a personal level. Maybe, one of these women is the one for you, but you haven’t been looking at her in that way. Try to keep yourself open to your true responses. If you find you don’t have a woman like that in your life, think about how your responses might apply to someone else. The love of your life could be right around the corner, but you need to be able to let yourself see that.”

“Oke-doke,” Finn said. He stretched his head from side to side, then sped up the treadmill again and increased the incline.

“When you are in a relationship, that person is the one you want to spend your time with. That person is the one whose calls you always take. Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long?”

Finn frowned as the audio went quiet.

“Do you see her face?” the narrator asked.

Finn leaned on his hand, eyes half-rolled back in his head. His first-year writing course was so boring, he felt like he might explode with dull. Why hadn’t he tried harder to test out of it?

His phone vibrated quietly in his pocket. He looked at it stealthily. Kurt’s text made him smile.

I think I underestimated my outfit today. If I’m not careful, I might be arrested.

Finn had to keep himself from laughing out loud and disturbing whole class. In college, the teachers took it personally if you spent your time texting.

Finn couldn’t help smiling fondly, thinking of all the smart, sassy, and fun text messages Kurt sent him throughout the day, just to cheer him up. That had started back in high school, before Kurt’s original crush on him had even waned. It had made his day better, for sure.

”Dude, just answer your phone or turn it off,” Puck grumbled.

Finn looked at it again. “Rachel’s just... I’ll be there for her tonight, but I can’t deal with all this audition drama. It’s West Side Story! She’s got it in the bag. As long as she doesn’t get in her head. I’ll text her later.”

Puck rolled his eyes and killed Finn’s man.

“Hey!”

“Head in the game, soldier!”

Finn shook his head and reset the game. “You’re ruthless.”

“You gotta be, if you wanna destroy the A-rabs.” Puck made shooty noises with his mouth and bounced a little on the couch.

“Don’t join the army, Puck.”

Finn’s phone went off again, and Puck groaned. But this time it wasn’t the few bars of “Don’t Stop Believing” that now signaled to him a long, exhausting one-sided conversation with his girlfriend. It was “Bad Romance.”

Finn paused the game and picked up the phone. “Kurt?”

“Hey, Finn,” Kurt replied. He sounded like he’d just been freaking bawling.

“Dude. You answer Kurt’s calls but not your girlfriend’s?” Puck teased.

Finn glared at him and got up so he could hear Kurt talk.

“Sorry, um.” Kurt swallowed loudly. “Are you busy? Could you give me a ride home?”

“Are you okay? I thought Rachel was driving you home?”

“I can’t talk to her right now. I just... Is this weird? I’ll just walk.”

“No, no. I’ll be right there. What happened? Did someone hurt you?”

“Just my pride,” Kurt muttered. “Remind me to stop trying to get the guys in the Glee club to treat me with respect. Or the teachers. Or Rachel.”

“Dude, what happened?” Finn pulled on his shoes and reached for his keys. He looked back at Puck who waved him off, then made a whip crack motion.

“They all laughed at me. Artie, and Bieste, and Pillsbury. Then Rachel. It was so humiliating. I swear I had a prom flashback.”

“I’m on my way. We’re getting ice cream before I have to go to the shop.”

Finn frowned deeply as the narrator continued. He’d missed a little of what the man said because the memory of Kurt’s face so crumpled and defeated was super distracting. Finn hated seeing him like that. Thankfully it happened a lot less now that they were away from the high school bullies, and his high school “friends.” Sure, Kurt had suffered rough times in New York. There was no shortage of jerks in the world, but it was different.

And they could always call each other when they got overwhelmed.

“It’s also important to remember that the person you will work with best won’t necessarily be the person you most want other people to see you with,” the narrator continued. “You need to be comfortable alone with this person. Who do you most like having around, to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face?”

Finn scanned the faces of all his past girlfriend through his head during the pause in the narration. Dana had seemed to be into football, but once they started dating, he found out that she had just been faking it to spend time with him. Miranda had a thing about him seeing her less than perfect, so she never just hung out with him. Rachel wouldn’t even let him use her bathroom. Strawberry was hard to hang out with because she always smelled kind of weird, and sometimes she got spacey.

Finn flopped back on the couch. Winter break was boring and stupid. No one was around, except Puck, and he’d already spent time with him this week. Also, Puck’s time wasn’t unlimited, since he’d gotten Beth back, and Finn wouldn’t be seeing his other friends from high school until around New Year’s. At best, he could crash one of Mr. Schue’s lessons, but for some reason, he didn’t really want to go in there and bust up their big dreams of stardom by pointing out how many of them had gone off to do other things.

Kurt swung the door open with a huge sigh, making a grand entrance. Then he jumped as he saw Finn sitting there.

“Oh!”

“Sorry.” Funny how Kurt could be so grandiose even when he didn’t know anyone was watching.

“I didn’t realize you’d get home first. I thought you were leaving later.” Kurt shifted his bag onto his shoulder and headed up the stairs. “Is Dana around?”

“We broke up a couple of weeks ago.”

“This is why I force warm milk on you, y’know,” Kurt called down the stairs. “You never tell me things!”

“I told you now!”

The house went quiet for a few minutes, and Finn slumped deeper into the couch. About twenty minutes later, Kurt bounded down the stairs and hopped into the seat next to him. His hair was pulled pulled back from his face with a sparkly headband, and he had weird green gunk on his face.

Finn bit his lip trying not to crack up.

“What are we watching? Oh, are you hungry? I could make something. I haven’t eaten all day. I don’t want to swoon all over you.”

“You don’t have to make anything.” Finn looked at the tv.

Kurt reached over and grabbed Finn’s phone. “I can order us a pizza. I’m off meat right now, though, is that okay? I just don’t even want to think about it, especially not fast food type ‘meat’.”

“Sure. Just don’t order any weird vegetables.”

“You mean anything green. Mushroom and olive okay?”

“Yeah.” Finn continued to flip through the channels as Kurt ordered. When he’d finished and tossed the phone back to Finn, he looked at his brother and frowned. “How’s it going? You know, without Blaine?”

“We don’t want to talk about that.” Kurt curled up onto the couch. He was wearing a sleek pajama bottom and a loose shirt that read “Who the fuck is Chanel?”

“And you complain I don’t tell you anything.”

Kurt rubbed his eyes, then grimaced at the part of his mask that came off on his hand. “I just had a rough flight, okay? We can bitch about exes later. I might even go crazy and give you a manicure.”

Finn settled on a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon and draped his arm over Kurt’s shoulders to give him a bro-hug.

“Thanks.”

“I’m just glad you’re home. I missed you, dude.”

Finn wiped his brow and felt a little strange. Maybe he should ask for his money back for this audiobook.

“Let’s think more about companionship. You want your partner to help relief your stress, to make your time more enjoyable, rather than less. When you travel, who would make your trip more enjoyable? Even if the trip is stressful. Especially if the trip is stressful. Can you see her face?”

”Omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod!”

Finn turned away from Rachel, on his right, to wrap an arm around his brother. “Dude, it’s okay.”

The plane shook as it ascended into the air.

Kurt’s hands were balled tight. “We’re gonna die.”

“How come no one told me Kurt’s afraid of flying?” Mercedes demanded.

“I’ve never been on a plane before!” Kurt covered his eyes.

“Adorbs,” Santana laughed.

“Get out the barf bag!” Puck called back at them.

Finn held him tight. “We’ll be in the air in a minute.”

Kurt moaned.

“Hey, and then we’ll be on our way to New York! You’ve always wanted to go, and I can’t imagine you letting a little thing like this get in your way.”

“Then I don’t think you know me very well.”

Finn didn’t let him go. He started rattling on all the cool things about New York, until he screwed up describing what was in the Central Park area, and Kurt looked up to correct him. Pretty soon, the plane had reached its best or most awesome altitude, or whatever, and was no longer shaking.

Kurt let out a deep breath and leaned over. Finn rubbed his back.

Santana turned around with a wicked smile. “Hey, I snuck some of the little bottles. Y’want some?”

“As tempting as that is, I think I’ve made enough of a nuisance of myself without projectile barfing all over everyone,” Kurt said.

Finn laughed and took a bottle. “I’ll get the stewardess to give us some Sprite to cut it with. If you don’t have too much, it’ll help you relax.”

“Oh, God. I just wanna see little Hummel-face snockered,” Santana clapped her hands excitedly.

Brittany turned around too. “Yay! I want more Kurt kisses. It’s been too long.”

“You guys lay off my man!” Mercedes ordered.

“What?” Sam looked over at them from his seat a few rows up.

Santana sat down quickly and hid her bottles. “Be cool!”

Kurt laughed and rested his head on Finn’s shoulder. Finn gave it a gentle pet and took Rachel’s hand.

Now a little spooked, Finn tried frantically to think of a girl he’d traveled with who made the experience better. Rachel was always even more high maintenance than usual on trips. Dana tended to use trips to flirty with new guys. Strawberry just wanted to go “commune” with nature... and that didn’t mean sex, unfortunately.

Kurt still hated flying, but that was sort of cute. Finn got the impression that now he did drink a little in the air, just to calm himself and took work with him to keep himself distracted. Once they got where they were going, Finn never failed to have a blast with him. Kurt was a suck the marrow out of life traveler.

“All of your times won’t be good. Sometimes when guys pick a girlfriend, they fail to remember this. Now, not all women are going to be natural nurturers, but your partner’s presence should be desirable when you aren’t your best. When you are in pain, or sick, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face?”

The memory came to Finn’s mind immediately.

Strong but gentle hands adjusted his pillows, then touched his forehead carefully. Even the tender touch ached, and Finn groaned.

A cool pack pressed against his forehead, and Finn panted.

Then he jumped up and darted into the bathroom to puke. It felt like all of his innards were just jumping up through his throat. He hadn’t done anything that bad! Well, trying to steal the girlfriend of a guy who he was kind of friends with, but that wasn’t... If she hadn’t wanted to...

A hand touched his back, and as he looked up at the pale, smooth face, suddenly a moist towelette was wiping over the corners of his mouth.

“Ugh.” Finn let his eyes fall closed. “I’m all gross.”

“That’s okay. I’ve seen what you guys do in the locker room,” Kurt joked.

“Where’s... um...”

“Carole had to go to work. Don’t worry,” Kurt’s velvety smooth voice assured him. “I’m here.”

And it was okay. Finn felt worse than he’d ever felt in his life, but it was okay.

Because Kurt was here.

Finn stopped the machine and stepped off of it. He felt a little overwhelmed. His first bout with mono had been really bad, but it wasn’t the first, or the last time that Kurt had taken care of him. And aside from his mom, no one really made him feel that much better when he was sick. Not the way they did. As particular as Kurt was about being clean, sometimes, he didn’t flinch at cleaning up the gross stuff when it came to someone he loved.

He grabbed his towel and wiped his neck.

“Now, what about those good times? When something good happens in your life, like a promotion or an award, who do you most want to share the news with? Who can’t you wait to tell? Who do you most want to celebrate with? Do you see her face?”

Finn sat on the bench in his workout room and just stared at the wall for a moment. He didn’t have to search for this memory. It hadn’t been that long ago.

He could hardly wait until the meeting was over to pick up his phone. His heart raced with excitement and just... so much pride. Finn had been out of work since he’d graduated from college, or rather, he’d been underemployed. He had been working the temp services, bouncing between jobs in service and construction, and just trying to make ends meet.

Today he’d gotten promoted to foreman in the construction company he’d been working for. Yeah, it was a blue collar job. Yeah, some of his friends wouldn’t get how awesome this was for him, but the experience and jump in pay would make his life a lot easier. Plus, he kind of liked doing it. Not like the temp jobs where he was stuck inside all day, wearing a suit.

“Hey, Finn!” Kurt said.

“I got a promotion!” Finn yelled.

Wow, that was subtle. But he couldn’t keep it inside.

“Ohhhmigod!” Kurt laughed. “You did? To... um what? I don’t know what you’re working on now. Is it with the temp service? Are you gonna be selling paper via Dunder Mifflin?”

“What? No, dude. It’s the construction company. They made me foreman!”

“Oh, wow! Yay!”

“You have no idea what I do, do you?”

“Well... build things. Right? And foreman means you’re in charge of building things?”

“Yeah, kind of. I’m not the architect, but I’m like, in charge of the construction crew, and training guys and stuff. It’s like being the project manager.”

“Oh, okay. Yeah, I get that.” Kurt paused. “Okay, we just have to celebrate. I’ll... I’ll look up flights back to Ohio-”

“You hate flying!”

“I totally... do. Um. But this is important! This is the break you’ve been needing. I have a few days between projects, and some people owe me for covering their shifts.” Kurt sighed. “I want to see you, anyway. I’m so proud of you, Finn. Oh! I can invite our friends! We can throw a party! For anyone who can make it back, anyway.”

“I feel so good right now. You don’t have to fly down.”

“Oh, would you can it? I’m not a fragile flower. I can handle a flight.”

“Yeah, whatever. Call me when you’re about to get on the plane so I can calm you down, though. Okay?”

When Finn got off the phone, he grinned from ear to ear. He’d call his parents when he got a chance later that day. Right now, he was walking on clouds.

“Do you see her face?” the narrator encouraged. “If someone hasn’t come to mind, take a moment and write down all the qualities that you thought you would want from these questions. Keep these in mind as you think about the kind of woman you really, truly want to as a partner-”

Finn hit pause and took out his ear buds. He knew. God, how long had he known, deep down, that the person he wanted to be with when he was alone, the only person he really wanted to comfort or share his happiness with, the person whose high-maintenance qualities and every day quirks were just adorable and made the whole package more appealing, was none other than the guy he’d shut down so many years ago? And still, Kurt had always been there. Always.

Maybe that was why it had been so hard to see. But he could now. He could see Kurt’s face right now. His rosy lips, that big smile that transformed his heart-shaped face, the way he walked and sometimes skipped, his concerned looks, his pissed off looks, the look when he was just emotionally spent.

Finn wiped his face again. His heart was going fast enough that he could easily still be on the treadmill. But he wasn’t the air-headed jock he used to be. He knew he had to think about how he’d approach Kurt with something like this. Since he and Blaine had decided they made better friends than boyfriends, Kurt had only tried a few relationships, but there had a few more men coming in and out of his life.

Fingers tenting in front of his face, Finn wondered if Kurt was having the same problem he was. Maybe he was looking for the wrong things in a guy, at least the guys he was trying to make things work with. The other guys... Finn was pretty sure that some of them were just sex buddies, or something like it. He didn’t talk to Kurt about his sex life, so if there was someone he didn’t know in Kurt’s apartment, Kurt would breeze over who he was, and Finn didn’t ask. He’d always tried to separate the idea of sex and Kurt...

Maybe that was why it had been so hard to see.

Whatever had caused him to miss this, Finn could see it clear as crystal now. He walked over and picked up his phone. Step one, start seeing Kurt more. He needed to see how open Kurt was to a relationship right now, and he’d go from there.

“Hey, Finn,” Kurt answered. He sounded tired, but not unwelcoming.

When he thought about it... Finn realized that Kurt always took his calls, too.

“Are you busy?”

“Um, I’m... Well, not really. Do you need something?”

Finn let out a breath slowly. Of course Kurt would make time to talk to Finn, if he needed something. “I just kind of wanted to talk.”

“Oh. Well... Give me two shakes, and I’ll be all yours, okay?”

“That sounds great.” Finn grabbed his water and got comfortable.

Maybe a long conversation catching up on what Kurt was doing wasn’t much, but it was a start. One long conversation, then others. Then maybe he’d have to head up to New York and really feel this out. And honestly, as he joked with Kurt and enjoyed hearing his voice again... He really wanted to see his face.

His desperately pounding heart told Finn all he really needed to know about that.

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