FIC: Memento Mori
Title: Memento Mori
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Suggestions of abuse and non-con, dark
Spoilers: Early S7
Summary: Chloe’s memory has betrayed her, and as she attempts to sort through the uneven memories, she faces her current struggles regarding her new status as more than human. abused!Chloe prompt for Absolut Chloe Challenge Second Wave (though... late). Set between the end of ‘Kara’ and the beginning of ‘Action.’
Author’s Notes: I am going by the canon ages according to her birth date listed on her tombstone in S4. If you have an issue with that, take it up with the writers. In fact, I’m taking issue with them in this fic.
Thanks to my glorious, fabulous, squeeblicious beta herohunter
There are lies. Tangled. Threads of one story knotted in another so hard and so complex that there is no unraveling the mess without taking a harsh, sharp pair of scissors to her memories.
Chloe walked into the alleyway with her hand on her taser. It was dark and cold that night, and she knew that she shouldn’t be doing this, but…
“Chloe. Glad to see you showed.”
She shifted her weight and crossed her arms. “I need answers.”
Memory: Four years old
Chloe knows the color red. Her mommy taught that red was apples and roses. Red is pretty pretty, and she wears her red dress every day that Mommy will let her. It’s her favoritest color.
But right now, it’s on her face, in her eyes. Blood splattered.
“Never again, baby. Never again. I love you. I’ll never hurt you again.”
Chloe sat at her desk in the bullpen, typing up her latest story on a meteor freak, feeling her soul die just a little more as she perpetuated bigotry against herself to keep her job and protect her future career. Feeling her stomach tighten, she looked up to see her cousin, the college dropout, laughing with the new editor on the phone. He was going to send her on assignment again, Chloe suspected.
She wanted to be supportive of Lois, but this was her dream being stolen from under her nose, as her cousin sat back and laughed and got the dream handed to her on a silver platter. She didn’t even see that Chloe was in pain. Chloe wondered if anyone really did. Lois hadn’t even asked if Chloe minded her taking a job at The Daily Planet, and while Chloe knew that Lois probably didn’t owe her anything, it would have been nice to have been considered, at least a little.
After all… she had saved Lois’ life.
So Chloe and Lois hadn’t spoken much lately, even though they were living together… technically. The whole situation made her stomach hurt so much that she couldn’t eat.
She forced a friendly smile as a coworker passed by. Her cell rang, the theme to the Warrior Angel Animated Series, and she looked at the unfamiliar number. “Hello?”
“Chloe? Oh my heart. Chloe, is that you?”
“Who is this?” she asked, lowering her voice and frowning.
“Sweetheart, it’s your mother. I’ve missed you.”
Memory: Five years old
Downstairs smells like burning and soap. Chloe comes down the stairs on her own, even though she’s not s’posed to without a grown up. Last time she went down the stairs she split her head open rushing to meet her Auntie. She doesn’t remember it, but there’s a scar in her hairline that she can feel when she runs her fingers through her hair. Sometimes when she’s thinking, she wiggles the scar from side to side with her fingertips.
Sobbing floats through the hallway, and Chloe is attracted to the sound. Daddy’s sitting in the middle of the kitchen, and smoke is coming up from the stove. She shuffles over to him and puts her arms around him and tells him in her most soothing voice, “Daddy, it’s okay, don’t cry, lemme get Mommy and she’ll make it better.”
Daddy puts his hands on her face and whispers, “God help me, you look like your
mother.”
Now when Chloe comes home from school, she has to go to her Auntie’s house. She loves her Auntie M, but sometimes she doesn’t want to go. Even crying lots, Daddy makes her go.
One day after one of the other mommies at from school drops her off, instead of going inside, she wanders away from the house. Dawdling along the road, she sees a turtle on its back. Chloe runs over to it and sets it right again, but the turtle doesn’t move.
Tears well up. The turtle is dead.
“Chloe!” Her Auntie with the long dark hair comes up after her and picks her up. “What have you got there, hm?”
“The turtle died!” Chloe cries, looking at her Auntie mournfully.
Auntie M secures Chloe on her hip and takes a look. “No, he’s fine, Chloe. Look at his legs move.”
Chloe frowns at the moving turtle. “I don’t feel good, Auntie.”
“Let me get you inside, sweetheart.”
Chloe spends the rest of the afternoon wrapped in a blanket, staring at the miraculous
turtle.
”Hey.” Chloe felt Clark appear behind her. “Lois isn’t here.”
“Why… would I care?” Clark asked, going over to her and sitting beside her on the couch. He waited a moment then gave her a bear hug. “You don’t look so good.”
“It’s nice to know someone cares.”
“You got a pretty big scare…” He sighed and rested his chin on her shoulder. Chloe had to smile, and he started to frown. “I didn’t know what to do. Should I have stopped you from going to Knox? I mean it was your choice, but… Chloe, your powers-“
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You’ve been crying,” he complained in frustration, as though there might be some way he could scare the pain away.
Chloe lowered her head. “I broke up with Jimmy. I don’t want to talk about that either, but… I wanted to thank you for saving me. I don’t want to take you for granted. You’re the best friend I’ve got.”
“Anytime. And ditto.” Clark beamed, and Chloe reached over to touch his nose gently.
“No more worrying ‘bout me forgetting you?”
Clark nods. “I know… I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want you to ever go. I can’t even imagine trying to live without you.”
“Clark, if… I can’t live with the thought that I might lose it and kill someone. And my powers might kill me…”
“I dunno.” He shrugged. “Knox seemed to think that your heart would make his girlfriend live forever.”
“Then maybe you can open me up and give my heart to Lana, and then you can always be happy,” Chloe said in an idle, far away voice.
“Chloe!”
“Did you know that the Egyptians considered the heart the seat of your soul?’
“Are you saying Lana has no soul?” Clark arched his brow suspiciously.
Chloe cracked a smile. “No.”
“I like your soul right where it is.”
Chloe tilted her head to look up at him. “Then I guess it’ll have to stay right here.” She tapped her chest.
Memory: Seven years old
Sometimes Chloe dreams that she can fly. She dreams and she’s walking on the sun with a handsome and brave man and they talk in colored iridescent bubbles. She dreams that she’s Angel Girl from the Warrior Angel comics, bald and dressed in a pretty purple outfit, and she helps Warrior Angel fly around and save people.
She dreams that there are aliens, and they take her up in their spaceship. Her daddy tells her that it isn’t real, but Chloe reads lots, and she knows that when the aliens take you, they take away your memory.
And that’s why she sometimes doesn’t know where she is and why she gets confused.
So Chloe dreams, and she’s on the sun again, talking to her tall, bald cousin from the stars. One of the good aliens. He lifts her up and promises that she’ll always heal from the wounds she gets from going out and saving people. He tells her she must be brave because Angel Girls never let fear for their own safety stop them from doing what is right and true.
Together they sit in his fortress and look down on the world. With her vision she can see its secrets. She can see that it needs someone, anyone, to save it.
When she wakes from these dreams, she’s happy.
Then there are others, ones where someone without a face has paralyzed her and touches her. She doesn’t scream because she can’t. She can only do and think what that faceless person is wanting her to do and think. The person makes her lay with her tummy exposed and takes away her voice.
When she wakes crying, her Daddy rushes in and holds her, and keeps telling her over and over that aliens aren’t hurting her. They aren’t real, so they can’t hurt her.
“I want Mommy!” she shrieks.
Her daddy sighs and kisses her head. “Sweetie, we’ve talked about this, okay? Mommy left us. I won’t; I promise, but you have to accept that she’s gone. I’m sure she had a good reason.”
Daddy sounds so sad that she doesn’t want to argue, but she still wants to go sleep in her mom’s bed.
One night when she wakes up, her daddy takes her into his room. It’s almost 3:00 am, and he puts on E.T. After that night, whenever she has a nightmare, Daddy shows her a movie with friendly aliens or creatures or reads to her or makes up a story about good aliens.
Chloe decides that it’s the government who’s taking her. She read about that. MiBs. She doesn’t know what that means, but she knows they steal your memories away and do things to you before bringing you back. Not even aliens could be so mean.
Chloe was strapped naked to a table. A bug pinned up in some kid’s collection. There were eyes staring at her. Staring into her. Dead, gray eyes. She looked at those eyes to the side of her from the other table. They were both angry and frightened but still dead in a way she couldn’t express. Something was careening out of control, and those gray eyes knew it. Then the lights came on and a beam of light began scanning over her abdomen.
She couldn’t scream.
When Chloe woke shrieking from her nightmare, she was alone in her apartment. Body shaking, and head hurting. Covering her mouth as she sobbed, she slipped out of bed and found her cell phone.
“Dad… Dad, if you’re there, pick up. I just…” She sighed softly. “Please call me when you get a chance, Dad. I miss you.”
Chloe went into the kitchen and splashed some water over her face. Soon she felt the whoosh of Clark arriving behind her.
“What is it? Are you okay?” he asked with wide, round eyes.
“It was just a nightmare. Why don’t you return your unwedded bliss?” Chloe suggested, tightening her pigtails. Then she headed for the fridge to get herself something to drink.
“Are you sure? That was a hell of a scream.”
“It was a hell of a nightmare. Want a root beer?” She raised the cold six-pack up.
“Sure, I guess.” Clark caught the can thrown at him then watched her as she began poking through the cabinets. “What are you doing?”
“Looking for popcorn.” She rose up on her toes to see in the back.
“Uh…” Clark reached over her and grabbed the box. “98% Fat Free? That’s not popcorn!”
Chloe ripped one of the packages open and put it into the microwave. “We can’t all have manly abs of steel.”
Clark pouted and leaned against the counter. “Aren’t you going back to sleep?”
“Aren’t you?”
“Lana’s in my bed.”
Chloe turned and scowled at him as though he’s just declared himself Emperor of Australia. Clark Kent. Super Fickleness, just like his risen from the dead galpal in virginal white.
“It’s just better not to go back and wake her up,” Clark explained vaguely.
Chloe knew that Clark was really just avoiding sex with Lana. Pansy. “Whatever. Want to watch a movie?”
”Uh… what are we watching?” Clark popped the top of his root beer and took a swig.
“Enemy Mine.” The microwave beeped, and Chloe took the bag out, shaking it a little. “Do you want some of Lois’ movie theatre style extra butter?”
“Oooh. Yes!” Clark scanned the cabinets, grinning with boyish excitement.
Chloe opened her bag, smirking at him. “The missus not let you have transfat?”
Clark shrugged. “I just haven’t had popcorn in forever. I don’t watch that many movies.”
“For real?” Chloe said sarcastically.
Clark laughed and started his bag in the microwave.
“I’m going to go start the movie.”
A few minutes later, Clark came back to the couch with the rest of the six-pack and transfat-ful bag of popcorn in tow. Chloe flipped the light switch and turned on the movie, then leaned back on to Clark’s broad shoulder.
“What the heck?” Clark frowned when the movie began playing.
“Quiet. Movie time.”
“What is this?”
“It’s sci fi.”
Clark munched his popcorn and took another swig of the root beer. “How come you never told me you had an alien fetish?”
Chloe held her finger up to her lips and shushed him.
Clark only grinned and eventually put his arm around Chloe’s shoulder supportively.
Memory: Eight years old
The mean men from the government take her away again. She comes in from school, and Mom rushes up to her all angry because she’s gotten ink all over her hands.
Then red. She is in her Daddy’s arms with her hands bandaged up, and he and Mom are screaming screaming screaming. Daddy says bad words and rushes out of the house, saying that he’s gonna call the cops.
They abruptly move to another neighborhood in Metropolis, and Daddy makes her promise to never talk to strangers.
But soon after, Chloe begins losing her afternoons somehow. She’s not sure what’s happening, but she writes an article for the school newspaper about alien abduction that her teacher Mr. Hedges likes a lot. Chloe is young for her grade. They had to skip her up to keep her out of trouble, and her teacher says that she’s very creative, but that she needs to be more respectful to the math teacher.
She is always excited to tell her mom about her school day. Only one afternoon she rushes into the house with the latest paper, and something is wrong. She can feel it in her little heart.
“Something tells me those aren’t happy tears. What’s wrong?”
And then her mom is gone and the men in the white coats leave Chloe there in the house alone, where she falls asleep on the sofa waiting for Daddy to come home, but he never comes, and she cries until she’s too tired to cry anymore.
The next morning she wakes up to see a policeman standing over her gently offering his hand and telling her that it’s all going to be okay. She’s confused, but she sees her daddy and bursts into tears again as she leaps up to hug him. He pulls her up in his arms and promises her that they’ll never let anyone hurt her again.
After that Daddy takes her to work with him, where he sets her in a chair and has someone try to explain all the things that go on at the plant and the rules she needs to follow. She nods seriously and tucks the information away for another day. What she understands, anyway.
“I miss Mom, Daddy,” she complains, resting her chin on her hands over one of the desks.
Daddy looks frustrated and musses her hair. “Babygirl, I’m gonna get you someone to talk to, alright? Maybe someone can help you.”
“Help me what?”
Daddy looks very sad.
He looks mad later that week when Chloe decides that she wants to be Angel Girl for Halloween and cuts all of her hair off in the bathroom.
“Please don’t leave, Daddy,” Chloe pleads, bowing her lips and looking up at him plaintively. “I’ll be good.”
Daddy sets down the clippers and hugs her from behind. “You’ve had a rough time, babygirl. Next time you want a haircut, tell me first. But don’t ever think I’m gonna leave you, okay? I love you.”
“Love you, too, Daddy.” Chloe leans over and kisses his nose.
Later, she runs her hands over the soft fuzz left on her head and feels small and neat and safe.
“I need answers.” Chloe looked up at Lex intensely.
“Hopefully I can provide,” he said in a congenial tone.
Her scowl deepened.
”We met once before. Do you remember, Chloe?” Lex put his hands into his pockets and strolled around her.
Chloe narrowed her eyes in exasperation. “Oh, did we?”
“Before we met in your office at The Torch. Do you remember that? Try. As I grow older, I feel as though there is nothing more crucial to your personality than the past. The past is what makes us who we are.” He stopped in place and looked up at the sky pensively, as though the night air may hold some secret of the universe. “Since part of my own past has been utterly rent from me, I know how precious it can be. I also know how traumatizing the past can be. It can keep you from looking to the future, if you let it paralyze you.”
“Is that why you lobotomized those patients?” she challenged.
“Chloe, you went to Knox yourself. I think you of all people would understand how desperately they might be to rid themselves of their powers as well as their memories of those powers.”
Chloe sighed in resignation. “Where did we meet?”
Lex favored her with a rare smile that she hadn’t since he and Clark had been friends. “At one of my father’s plants. You were nine, I think. I was fifteen.”
Memory: Nine years old
Chloe gets used to sitting around her dad’s office after school, and the guys tell her things. They teach her how the computers work, and she soaks it all up. It’s all really interesting, she thinks. But Daddy never ever lets them be alone with her.
“The Lion’s on his way!” a man hisses to her daddy one day. Daddy picks her up and hides her behind a machine, telling her not to come out until he says. He’s not supposed to have her at work, but he’s scared not to, he says.
Chloe waits for what seems like forever behind the machine, and it gets hot, so she pulls off her shirt and crosses her legs as she waits. When she hears someone coming, she scoots further away from the edge. The footsteps pause. She breathes out.
Then a boy’s head appears to the side of the machine. “What are you doing back here?” he demands, scowling real hard. He’s older than her and pale and wearing a black hat.
“Daddy put me back here. I’m not supposed to be here. Don’t tell!” She tilts her head and looks at him with big big eyes.
The boy’s scowl softens, and he comes to sit beside her. His eyes scan over her curiously as he drops down his book bag. “What happened to your hands?” he asks bluntly.
“I hurt ‘em playing soccer.”
“The rules of soccer require you not to use your hands,” he points out.
“Guess not.”
He pauses, seeming to consider his next question. “How did you lose your hair?”
Chloe smoothes her bandaged hand over the blond fuzz and smiles shyly. “I tried to cut off all my hair so I could be Angel Girl, but my mom and daddy got mad.”
The boy blinks at her. “You like comics?” He reached into his bag, then handed her a comic book. “The latest. Warrior Angel’s my favorite. However, Angel Girl is a lot of fun, too.”
Chloe grins widely. The boy doesn’t smile. He never smiles and instead just looks haunted and sad, but he hands her the comic, then tries to get her to put her shirt back on, and they sneak off to go read it someplace cooler until their parents are done.
“I dunno what they want, but I’ll find out and write a story on them. I’m gonna be a reporter for The Daily Planet when I grow up. I used to think it was aliens, but I don’t think so anymore.”
The boy leans back against the wall. “Do you not believe in extraterrestrial life?”
“No, I believe… I just don’t think they’d do that. Take someone and make them forget.”
“I think they would. I saw a spaceship once,” he says, in utter seriousness. “We live in an infinitely complex universe. There could be destructive, war-mongering aliens just as much as there could be cute and cuddly ones.”
“You saw a ship?” Her eyes widen again.
He gives her a single nod and leans forward. “You can’t tell anyone, ever.”
“I’m a reporter. I’ve got to tell the truth, always. No matter what.”
The boy frowns. “No one will believe you. They didn’t believe me, and I’m the one who saw it.”
Chloe shrugs. “I don’t care if people don’t believe me. They don’t anyway.”
“What don’t they believe you about?”
“The aliens… or the government. Someone takes me away and makes me forget what happened. And after I hurt.” She spreads her hands again for him. “Daddy said that I hurt them playing soccer, but I think maybe he was lying. I think they did this. But I never know why.”
“Where else do they hurt you?”
Chloe shakes her head stubbornly.
The boy thins his lips and puts his fingers ever so lightly on her shoulder. “I’m sorry you have no one to tell, or that they don’t understand what you’re trying to say. Memory is a funny thing. Our minds try to protect us from what is happening, and it can manifest in strange ways… I mean. Maybe we forget, or rewrite what happened in a way that we can handle.”
“I… um…”
“If you ever see the aliens, or the government agents, if they ever try to touch you in a way that you don’t like, or hurt you, keep trying to tell your parents. They’ll be able to figure out who it is eventually. That’s their job. To protect you.”
She nods and looks at her hands. “It hasn’t happened in a while. But… it scares me. I don’t want to remember… but I don’t want to forget either. Sometimes… when I dream-“
“Hey!” Her daddy comes outside and sees them leaning against the wall together. A scruffy man who looks like a hobo in a suit comes out after them.
“She just got dropped off from school,” the boy lies quickly. The scruffy man moves behind him and immediately places his hand on the back of the boy’s neck. Her daddy shoos her inside, and as she’s leaving she hears the boy telling her daddy that he needs to listen to what she’s saying about her dreams.
”Lex,” Chloe urged. “Who is Moira Sullivan?”
Lex’s head dipped downward, and he began to pace again.
“Do you know? Tell me… if you do. Is she my mother?”
“No, Chloe,” he practically whispered, lifting his head and meeting her eyes regretfully.
Chloe dropped the hand that was raised in preparation for attack and made an exasperated noise. “Who is she? I know she’s lapsed back into her catatonic state, but… who is she? Why do I dream about her? Why do I have memories of her singing me to sleep?” her voice cracked slightly, and she pressed her lips together. She wouldn’t cry. Not in front of Lex.
Lex’s expression seemed sympathetic. “Moira has the ability to control individuals with meta-human power. Especially individuals who have a concentration of meteor radiation in their bodies.”
“I know that, Lex,” she said tensely. “That’s how she was able to make me steal that truck and run you off the road… and everything else she made me do.”
“Control isn’t always physical,” Lex said in a gentle tone.
“She-“
Lex stopped moving and looked up once again. “Controlled your memories?”
Chloe’s mouth dropped open.
“I sincerely apologize. You were never to come in contact with her. We weren’t aware how she was getting to you.”
“Where is my mom? My real mom?”
Lex shrugged. “Back at Fairview. In Grandville.”
Chloe hugged her arms and widened her eyes. “Who is Moira Sullivan?”
”She’s a woman who was a friend of your family. She truly believed that she was your mother.”
Chloe chest began to rise and fall rapidly. “No no… mothers don’t… no…”
“Chloe!” Lex moved towards her, and she backed away sharply.
“Don’t start with me, Lex!” she yelled, barely able to breathe.
“I’m not-“
“You experimented on me!”
“That’s not what we were trying to do, Chloe! We-“ He cut himself off and backed away, showing her his hands in surrender. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry. If someone who’d strapped you down on a table walked up to you and said ‘I’m sorry’ would you forgive him?”
“No, I wouldn’t. I haven’t forgiven any of them,” Lex replied immediately. “And you don’t have to. While I don’t deserve forgiveness, you deserve an apology.”
“Wh-what?” Chloe lifted her chin. Lex shook his head. She took a deep breath. “Okay… okay. I… I have to see my mom.” She rubbed her arms and walked back and forth for a moment. “Why. Why talk to me? Why tell me this?
“Making amends is Step Nine of the Evilaholics Anonymous program.”
”Cut the bullshit, Lex,” she snapped.
Lex shrugged again and frowned softly.
“What are you really trying to do? You aren’t trying very hard to explain yourself.”
“Redemption in my mind isn’t about a flashy outward show. It’s about the inward journey, and doing whatever you can to ease the pain of the one you wronged. I know… that I might not be able to do that.” He thinned his lips. “And if you never forgive me, I have to accept that. From my own experiences, I know that forgiveness of the one who hurt you… isn’t always wise, Chloe.”
“I have to see my mother,” Chloe repeated. She looked at Lex for another moment. “And you’ve got to stop forgiving your dad. If you ever find him.”
“Will you forgive Moira?”
Chloe looked away evasively. “I don’t even know everything she did.”
“Sorting out what really happened will take time. Talk to your mother. Talk to your father. They can help you fill in the pieces,” Lex advised.
“You were there. You told my father to listen to my dreams… why?”
Lex put his hands back in his pockets. “My assessment could have been wrong.”
“Tell me,” Chloe demanded.
Lex tilted his head to the side. “The way you moved. The way you talked about it. The way you didn’t. I recognized the signs. I would, as you likely know.”
It was difficult for her heart to go out to a man who had hurt so many people. But it did. She wasn’t sure if there was anything she could do to make things better for him… but maybe at this point, it needed to be hard, for him to work through his role on the other end of this spectrum of abuse.
“Tell me what you thought happened, Lex. Please?”
“I suspected someone had been molesting you. Probably hurting you physically as well.”
Chloe felt her eyes pricking with tears. She shut them before they could betray her.
Lex spread his hands and continued. “It makes sense to me, particularly after having spoken to Moira. She can make you forget. She can alter your memories. She can make you do whatever she wants. She told me of this… ‘special bond’ that the two of you had.” He paused and shivered, looking a bit sick at the thought, as though this might be hitting too close to home.
Chloe had sharp eyes, and she never missed little details. Lex always stiffened when his father touched him.
“I knew what she meant. I believe she thinks she loves you, that the two of you were very close. Your father trusted her to take care of you after school. That much I know from asking Gabe about her. If she wakes again, you could be in danger. We don’t know how she was controlling you.”
“She gave me the piece of jewelry she was using, Lex. You don’t have to worry about me,” she assured him.
“I will always worry about you, Chloe. Whatever happens, please understand that you don’t have to become desperate. You can come to me. Haven’t I always tried to help you and Clark when you asked?”
“I’ll take that under consideration.” Chloe rolled her eyes and started to turn her back, then in a strange moment she stepped closer to him and put her arms around him tightly. Lex froze, as though he didn’t know how to react. Chloe more than understood, but was pleased when his strong hand touched her shoulder lightly. “Don’t let yourself get desperate again, Lex. You don’t have to; do you understand that? There are people who can help…”
Present: 20 years old
Fairview is a well-lit facility. Chloe knows that Clark heard the name of this place and assumed that it was something like Belle Reve, but there really is nowhere like Belle Reve, that Chloe can think of. Maybe in Gotham. This place, though, is clean, with warm blue walls and murals and friendly, well-trained staff. Most of the patients walk around in somewhat normal clothing. The orderly takes her down the hallways confidently; he is mostly guiding her. In Belle Reve, she might need a guard.
“Hi, Mom,” Chloe whispers, walking into her mother’s room.
The blond woman turns, looking a bit confused for a moment before focusing on Chloe and smiling. “Baby,” she replies softly, opening her arms.
Chloe walks over quickly and hugs her mother, Gillian Sullivan. The smell of her mother doesn’t have the perfume she remembers, but it’s close enough, and tears come to her eyes. She hasn’t been here for her mother enough. Not nearly enough. That part of the time she wasn’t able to recognize her real mother was cold comfort. Gillian was still been alone during that time, and Chloe will always wish she could be there for her more. If only there were a decent mental institution closer to where she lived. Chloe had seriously considered applying for a job at the Grandville Gazette.
“I love you, mom. I’m sorry I haven’t been here in awhile.”
“Your father hasn’t been in some time either,” the woman remarks sadly, drawing her feet up onto her bed. She always seems lonely.
“I talked to the heads of the hospital, and they said that you and I could go out sometime. Would you like that?”
Gillian reaches out for Chloe’s hand and squeezes it. “Your heart is in pain, baby. What is it?”
Chloe scoots up against her mother and leans on her shoulder. “I died.”
“Did you?” Gillian asks with interest.
Chloe nods. “I… I was going to ask you if you remembered if I did things like that when I was young, but I think that was when Moira was babysitting me.”
Gillian’s expression sours hearing that name.
Chloe searches her mother’s face, then continues, “I can heal people, mom. You can’t tell anyone because they won’t believe us, but I can.”
“That’s a wonderful gift, sweetheart.” Her bright green eyes look on Chloe proudly.
“It’s not a gift. I could… I could lose my mind… I could hurt people. I can’t… I can’t hurt people, Mom!”
Gillian’s hands cups Chloe’s face. Her thumbs brush away Chloe’s tears. “I know, honey, but I don’t think that you will. My problems aren’t particularly of the Norman Bates variety, if you know what I mean.”
Chloe bites her lips and thinks of how she’s going to explain. “Moira’s catatonic now. She was locked up somewhere else. Then she was moved.”
“Good. I don’t want that bitch anywhere near you,” Gillian snaps.
Chloe wraps her arms around her mother and hears her own voice rising higher and higher. “I’m so scared, mom. Not of Moira. Of myself. Of becoming as bad as her. I can’t even remember everything, but I know how… sometimes you start doing things that people have done to you-“
“You never will,” her mother says confidently. “Chloe didn’t you just tell me that you died? You died to save someone, did you?”
“Well. I got better.” Chloe raises a brow and hears her mother laughing.
“Remember your death, Chloe. Always. Remember your death. Although Moira has her own mental problems, she could control how much she hurt you. She never had to do those things. Your father told me, dear, when he found me.” She rubs her daughter’s back in circles. “But remember how you’ve used your powers, and what that means. It’s not your powers that define you, but what you choose to do with them, always.” She lifts Chloe’s face upward. “Moira misuses hers. You won’t. Your father doesn’t.”
“D-dad has powers?” Chloe shoots up straight in surprise.
Gillian laughs. “He never told you? Well, no wonder you’re so surprised to find out what you can do.”
“So, what, I come from a line of meteor freaks?” Chloe wrinkles her nose in frustration.
“Oh, for goodness sakes. Don’t say that. Unless you are using it to empower yourself. Your aren’t a freak, Chloe. You and your father have powers, probably from the meteor shower-“
“Were we in Smallville?” Chloe interrupts, half wanting to get out her pen and paper to take notes.
“Well, no, but we were flying down to Metropolis on the company jet. Your father had just gotten a job at the LuthorCorp plant in Metropolis, but our plane got hit by some of the meteor rocks, and we went down. I’d say you and your father gained your abilities then. He was hurt, and you put your little hands over him and cried. I really had no idea how he’d survived until now.” Her hand pets over Chloe’s hair. “Though, sweetie, if it wasn’t that, you may have come by your powers naturally, through my side of the family. Every woman in my family has had some kind of ability. Not one of us has escaped the Gift, I’m afraid.”
“Mom, what is this Gift that every woman in our family has? If it’s a gift, I don’t understand why you have to be locked up here,” Chloe asks with a frown. “You seem fine now.”
“It’s clairvoyance, mostly. I have a strong touch of empathy, myself. On the outside, I lose track of who I am. Often psychiatrists mark us as crazy and don’t believe our visions are anything more than delusions. Though, I’ve been here for nine years now; I’m getting better at coping with it.” Gillian covers her mouth and takes a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, sweetie. I shouldn’t have left the way I did.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” Chloe insists. “Where did you go?”
Gillian lowers her hands and looks at Chloe guiltily. “I was being pressured by the government to help them. I felt they needed me, and I was afraid that they would find something in you or your father. I should have said goodbye. I should have… I should have known about Moira. In my meditation, I should have seen the horrible things she would do to you.”
“You can’t blame yourself. Her power is to control people like us,” Chloe explains. She takes her mother’s hand. “And I don’t know much about how your powers work, but I don’t think you can control what you can see, can you?”
“No, but… you’re my daughter. I should have known that she wanted to replace me.” Gillian pats Chloe’s hand and shakes her head. “My mother always told me the Gift won’t bow to you wishes. I can’t help thinking that I should have used it to save the ones I love, and not strangers.”
Chloe beams. Her mom. Saving people. “I wanna hear about the things you did, someday.”
“Today, babygirl, I want to hear about you.” Gillian wraps her arms around her daughter and sighs. “I know it’s hard. I know that normality probably seems easier, but normality really isn’t all that normal. Not for our family.”
Chloe’s chest swells with hope, and she curls up against her mother to talk about everything she could remember from being with Moira, the crazy things that had happened over the years in Smallville, her recent breakup, and her deteriorating relationships with Lois and Lana. Her mother listens, making comments here and there as she strokes her fingers through her daughter’s hair.
When it comes time to go, Chloe cries again, promising to visit her as much as she can and to try to get her father to come as well. She leaves Fairview with lighter shoulders, and she remembers. Remembers falling to her knees. Shutting her eyes and seeing brilliant green before opening them and watching the wound in Lois’ belly pulling itself grotesquely together. Remembers standing up and stumbling. Leaning against the wall and feeling so much joy that her love could do such a miraculous thing.
Chloe pulls out her keys and calls her father, getting the answering machine again. She frowns and leaves a message: “I visited Mom. Daddy, we need to talk. Until then, try to keep your feet on the ground.”
She smirks as she gets into her car, knowing that someday she’s going to come back for her mother and take her away from this place for good. Until then, she’ll be trying her hardest to stay on her feet. Knowing that what she has inside her isn’t just an illness, nor a bit of madness that will inevitably swallow her whole, but instead it is an integral part of her. As much as the hacking mojo she learned from her not-a-boyrfriend in middle school and her journalism skills are. As much as her abuse and her heartbreaks are. Even more, it is a part of her originating from her connection to her family.
And Chloe will learn how it works, as she untangles the bits and bobs of her memories, and learns more about herself, and how she can use all that she has to bring forth her joy to the world.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Suggestions of abuse and non-con, dark
Spoilers: Early S7
Summary: Chloe’s memory has betrayed her, and as she attempts to sort through the uneven memories, she faces her current struggles regarding her new status as more than human. abused!Chloe prompt for Absolut Chloe Challenge Second Wave (though... late). Set between the end of ‘Kara’ and the beginning of ‘Action.’
Author’s Notes: I am going by the canon ages according to her birth date listed on her tombstone in S4. If you have an issue with that, take it up with the writers. In fact, I’m taking issue with them in this fic.
Thanks to my glorious, fabulous, squeeblicious beta herohunter
There are lies. Tangled. Threads of one story knotted in another so hard and so complex that there is no unraveling the mess without taking a harsh, sharp pair of scissors to her memories.
Chloe walked into the alleyway with her hand on her taser. It was dark and cold that night, and she knew that she shouldn’t be doing this, but…
“Chloe. Glad to see you showed.”
She shifted her weight and crossed her arms. “I need answers.”
Memory: Four years old
Chloe knows the color red. Her mommy taught that red was apples and roses. Red is pretty pretty, and she wears her red dress every day that Mommy will let her. It’s her favoritest color.
But right now, it’s on her face, in her eyes. Blood splattered.
“Never again, baby. Never again. I love you. I’ll never hurt you again.”
Chloe sat at her desk in the bullpen, typing up her latest story on a meteor freak, feeling her soul die just a little more as she perpetuated bigotry against herself to keep her job and protect her future career. Feeling her stomach tighten, she looked up to see her cousin, the college dropout, laughing with the new editor on the phone. He was going to send her on assignment again, Chloe suspected.
She wanted to be supportive of Lois, but this was her dream being stolen from under her nose, as her cousin sat back and laughed and got the dream handed to her on a silver platter. She didn’t even see that Chloe was in pain. Chloe wondered if anyone really did. Lois hadn’t even asked if Chloe minded her taking a job at The Daily Planet, and while Chloe knew that Lois probably didn’t owe her anything, it would have been nice to have been considered, at least a little.
After all… she had saved Lois’ life.
So Chloe and Lois hadn’t spoken much lately, even though they were living together… technically. The whole situation made her stomach hurt so much that she couldn’t eat.
She forced a friendly smile as a coworker passed by. Her cell rang, the theme to the Warrior Angel Animated Series, and she looked at the unfamiliar number. “Hello?”
“Chloe? Oh my heart. Chloe, is that you?”
“Who is this?” she asked, lowering her voice and frowning.
“Sweetheart, it’s your mother. I’ve missed you.”
Memory: Five years old
Downstairs smells like burning and soap. Chloe comes down the stairs on her own, even though she’s not s’posed to without a grown up. Last time she went down the stairs she split her head open rushing to meet her Auntie. She doesn’t remember it, but there’s a scar in her hairline that she can feel when she runs her fingers through her hair. Sometimes when she’s thinking, she wiggles the scar from side to side with her fingertips.
Sobbing floats through the hallway, and Chloe is attracted to the sound. Daddy’s sitting in the middle of the kitchen, and smoke is coming up from the stove. She shuffles over to him and puts her arms around him and tells him in her most soothing voice, “Daddy, it’s okay, don’t cry, lemme get Mommy and she’ll make it better.”
Daddy puts his hands on her face and whispers, “God help me, you look like your
mother.”
Now when Chloe comes home from school, she has to go to her Auntie’s house. She loves her Auntie M, but sometimes she doesn’t want to go. Even crying lots, Daddy makes her go.
One day after one of the other mommies at from school drops her off, instead of going inside, she wanders away from the house. Dawdling along the road, she sees a turtle on its back. Chloe runs over to it and sets it right again, but the turtle doesn’t move.
Tears well up. The turtle is dead.
“Chloe!” Her Auntie with the long dark hair comes up after her and picks her up. “What have you got there, hm?”
“The turtle died!” Chloe cries, looking at her Auntie mournfully.
Auntie M secures Chloe on her hip and takes a look. “No, he’s fine, Chloe. Look at his legs move.”
Chloe frowns at the moving turtle. “I don’t feel good, Auntie.”
“Let me get you inside, sweetheart.”
Chloe spends the rest of the afternoon wrapped in a blanket, staring at the miraculous
turtle.
”Hey.” Chloe felt Clark appear behind her. “Lois isn’t here.”
“Why… would I care?” Clark asked, going over to her and sitting beside her on the couch. He waited a moment then gave her a bear hug. “You don’t look so good.”
“It’s nice to know someone cares.”
“You got a pretty big scare…” He sighed and rested his chin on her shoulder. Chloe had to smile, and he started to frown. “I didn’t know what to do. Should I have stopped you from going to Knox? I mean it was your choice, but… Chloe, your powers-“
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You’ve been crying,” he complained in frustration, as though there might be some way he could scare the pain away.
Chloe lowered her head. “I broke up with Jimmy. I don’t want to talk about that either, but… I wanted to thank you for saving me. I don’t want to take you for granted. You’re the best friend I’ve got.”
“Anytime. And ditto.” Clark beamed, and Chloe reached over to touch his nose gently.
“No more worrying ‘bout me forgetting you?”
Clark nods. “I know… I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want you to ever go. I can’t even imagine trying to live without you.”
“Clark, if… I can’t live with the thought that I might lose it and kill someone. And my powers might kill me…”
“I dunno.” He shrugged. “Knox seemed to think that your heart would make his girlfriend live forever.”
“Then maybe you can open me up and give my heart to Lana, and then you can always be happy,” Chloe said in an idle, far away voice.
“Chloe!”
“Did you know that the Egyptians considered the heart the seat of your soul?’
“Are you saying Lana has no soul?” Clark arched his brow suspiciously.
Chloe cracked a smile. “No.”
“I like your soul right where it is.”
Chloe tilted her head to look up at him. “Then I guess it’ll have to stay right here.” She tapped her chest.
Memory: Seven years old
Sometimes Chloe dreams that she can fly. She dreams and she’s walking on the sun with a handsome and brave man and they talk in colored iridescent bubbles. She dreams that she’s Angel Girl from the Warrior Angel comics, bald and dressed in a pretty purple outfit, and she helps Warrior Angel fly around and save people.
She dreams that there are aliens, and they take her up in their spaceship. Her daddy tells her that it isn’t real, but Chloe reads lots, and she knows that when the aliens take you, they take away your memory.
And that’s why she sometimes doesn’t know where she is and why she gets confused.
So Chloe dreams, and she’s on the sun again, talking to her tall, bald cousin from the stars. One of the good aliens. He lifts her up and promises that she’ll always heal from the wounds she gets from going out and saving people. He tells her she must be brave because Angel Girls never let fear for their own safety stop them from doing what is right and true.
Together they sit in his fortress and look down on the world. With her vision she can see its secrets. She can see that it needs someone, anyone, to save it.
When she wakes from these dreams, she’s happy.
Then there are others, ones where someone without a face has paralyzed her and touches her. She doesn’t scream because she can’t. She can only do and think what that faceless person is wanting her to do and think. The person makes her lay with her tummy exposed and takes away her voice.
When she wakes crying, her Daddy rushes in and holds her, and keeps telling her over and over that aliens aren’t hurting her. They aren’t real, so they can’t hurt her.
“I want Mommy!” she shrieks.
Her daddy sighs and kisses her head. “Sweetie, we’ve talked about this, okay? Mommy left us. I won’t; I promise, but you have to accept that she’s gone. I’m sure she had a good reason.”
Daddy sounds so sad that she doesn’t want to argue, but she still wants to go sleep in her mom’s bed.
One night when she wakes up, her daddy takes her into his room. It’s almost 3:00 am, and he puts on E.T. After that night, whenever she has a nightmare, Daddy shows her a movie with friendly aliens or creatures or reads to her or makes up a story about good aliens.
Chloe decides that it’s the government who’s taking her. She read about that. MiBs. She doesn’t know what that means, but she knows they steal your memories away and do things to you before bringing you back. Not even aliens could be so mean.
Chloe was strapped naked to a table. A bug pinned up in some kid’s collection. There were eyes staring at her. Staring into her. Dead, gray eyes. She looked at those eyes to the side of her from the other table. They were both angry and frightened but still dead in a way she couldn’t express. Something was careening out of control, and those gray eyes knew it. Then the lights came on and a beam of light began scanning over her abdomen.
She couldn’t scream.
When Chloe woke shrieking from her nightmare, she was alone in her apartment. Body shaking, and head hurting. Covering her mouth as she sobbed, she slipped out of bed and found her cell phone.
“Dad… Dad, if you’re there, pick up. I just…” She sighed softly. “Please call me when you get a chance, Dad. I miss you.”
Chloe went into the kitchen and splashed some water over her face. Soon she felt the whoosh of Clark arriving behind her.
“What is it? Are you okay?” he asked with wide, round eyes.
“It was just a nightmare. Why don’t you return your unwedded bliss?” Chloe suggested, tightening her pigtails. Then she headed for the fridge to get herself something to drink.
“Are you sure? That was a hell of a scream.”
“It was a hell of a nightmare. Want a root beer?” She raised the cold six-pack up.
“Sure, I guess.” Clark caught the can thrown at him then watched her as she began poking through the cabinets. “What are you doing?”
“Looking for popcorn.” She rose up on her toes to see in the back.
“Uh…” Clark reached over her and grabbed the box. “98% Fat Free? That’s not popcorn!”
Chloe ripped one of the packages open and put it into the microwave. “We can’t all have manly abs of steel.”
Clark pouted and leaned against the counter. “Aren’t you going back to sleep?”
“Aren’t you?”
“Lana’s in my bed.”
Chloe turned and scowled at him as though he’s just declared himself Emperor of Australia. Clark Kent. Super Fickleness, just like his risen from the dead galpal in virginal white.
“It’s just better not to go back and wake her up,” Clark explained vaguely.
Chloe knew that Clark was really just avoiding sex with Lana. Pansy. “Whatever. Want to watch a movie?”
”Uh… what are we watching?” Clark popped the top of his root beer and took a swig.
“Enemy Mine.” The microwave beeped, and Chloe took the bag out, shaking it a little. “Do you want some of Lois’ movie theatre style extra butter?”
“Oooh. Yes!” Clark scanned the cabinets, grinning with boyish excitement.
Chloe opened her bag, smirking at him. “The missus not let you have transfat?”
Clark shrugged. “I just haven’t had popcorn in forever. I don’t watch that many movies.”
“For real?” Chloe said sarcastically.
Clark laughed and started his bag in the microwave.
“I’m going to go start the movie.”
A few minutes later, Clark came back to the couch with the rest of the six-pack and transfat-ful bag of popcorn in tow. Chloe flipped the light switch and turned on the movie, then leaned back on to Clark’s broad shoulder.
“What the heck?” Clark frowned when the movie began playing.
“Quiet. Movie time.”
“What is this?”
“It’s sci fi.”
Clark munched his popcorn and took another swig of the root beer. “How come you never told me you had an alien fetish?”
Chloe held her finger up to her lips and shushed him.
Clark only grinned and eventually put his arm around Chloe’s shoulder supportively.
Memory: Eight years old
The mean men from the government take her away again. She comes in from school, and Mom rushes up to her all angry because she’s gotten ink all over her hands.
Then red. She is in her Daddy’s arms with her hands bandaged up, and he and Mom are screaming screaming screaming. Daddy says bad words and rushes out of the house, saying that he’s gonna call the cops.
They abruptly move to another neighborhood in Metropolis, and Daddy makes her promise to never talk to strangers.
But soon after, Chloe begins losing her afternoons somehow. She’s not sure what’s happening, but she writes an article for the school newspaper about alien abduction that her teacher Mr. Hedges likes a lot. Chloe is young for her grade. They had to skip her up to keep her out of trouble, and her teacher says that she’s very creative, but that she needs to be more respectful to the math teacher.
She is always excited to tell her mom about her school day. Only one afternoon she rushes into the house with the latest paper, and something is wrong. She can feel it in her little heart.
“Something tells me those aren’t happy tears. What’s wrong?”
And then her mom is gone and the men in the white coats leave Chloe there in the house alone, where she falls asleep on the sofa waiting for Daddy to come home, but he never comes, and she cries until she’s too tired to cry anymore.
The next morning she wakes up to see a policeman standing over her gently offering his hand and telling her that it’s all going to be okay. She’s confused, but she sees her daddy and bursts into tears again as she leaps up to hug him. He pulls her up in his arms and promises her that they’ll never let anyone hurt her again.
After that Daddy takes her to work with him, where he sets her in a chair and has someone try to explain all the things that go on at the plant and the rules she needs to follow. She nods seriously and tucks the information away for another day. What she understands, anyway.
“I miss Mom, Daddy,” she complains, resting her chin on her hands over one of the desks.
Daddy looks frustrated and musses her hair. “Babygirl, I’m gonna get you someone to talk to, alright? Maybe someone can help you.”
“Help me what?”
Daddy looks very sad.
He looks mad later that week when Chloe decides that she wants to be Angel Girl for Halloween and cuts all of her hair off in the bathroom.
“Please don’t leave, Daddy,” Chloe pleads, bowing her lips and looking up at him plaintively. “I’ll be good.”
Daddy sets down the clippers and hugs her from behind. “You’ve had a rough time, babygirl. Next time you want a haircut, tell me first. But don’t ever think I’m gonna leave you, okay? I love you.”
“Love you, too, Daddy.” Chloe leans over and kisses his nose.
Later, she runs her hands over the soft fuzz left on her head and feels small and neat and safe.
“I need answers.” Chloe looked up at Lex intensely.
“Hopefully I can provide,” he said in a congenial tone.
Her scowl deepened.
”We met once before. Do you remember, Chloe?” Lex put his hands into his pockets and strolled around her.
Chloe narrowed her eyes in exasperation. “Oh, did we?”
“Before we met in your office at The Torch. Do you remember that? Try. As I grow older, I feel as though there is nothing more crucial to your personality than the past. The past is what makes us who we are.” He stopped in place and looked up at the sky pensively, as though the night air may hold some secret of the universe. “Since part of my own past has been utterly rent from me, I know how precious it can be. I also know how traumatizing the past can be. It can keep you from looking to the future, if you let it paralyze you.”
“Is that why you lobotomized those patients?” she challenged.
“Chloe, you went to Knox yourself. I think you of all people would understand how desperately they might be to rid themselves of their powers as well as their memories of those powers.”
Chloe sighed in resignation. “Where did we meet?”
Lex favored her with a rare smile that she hadn’t since he and Clark had been friends. “At one of my father’s plants. You were nine, I think. I was fifteen.”
Memory: Nine years old
Chloe gets used to sitting around her dad’s office after school, and the guys tell her things. They teach her how the computers work, and she soaks it all up. It’s all really interesting, she thinks. But Daddy never ever lets them be alone with her.
“The Lion’s on his way!” a man hisses to her daddy one day. Daddy picks her up and hides her behind a machine, telling her not to come out until he says. He’s not supposed to have her at work, but he’s scared not to, he says.
Chloe waits for what seems like forever behind the machine, and it gets hot, so she pulls off her shirt and crosses her legs as she waits. When she hears someone coming, she scoots further away from the edge. The footsteps pause. She breathes out.
Then a boy’s head appears to the side of the machine. “What are you doing back here?” he demands, scowling real hard. He’s older than her and pale and wearing a black hat.
“Daddy put me back here. I’m not supposed to be here. Don’t tell!” She tilts her head and looks at him with big big eyes.
The boy’s scowl softens, and he comes to sit beside her. His eyes scan over her curiously as he drops down his book bag. “What happened to your hands?” he asks bluntly.
“I hurt ‘em playing soccer.”
“The rules of soccer require you not to use your hands,” he points out.
“Guess not.”
He pauses, seeming to consider his next question. “How did you lose your hair?”
Chloe smoothes her bandaged hand over the blond fuzz and smiles shyly. “I tried to cut off all my hair so I could be Angel Girl, but my mom and daddy got mad.”
The boy blinks at her. “You like comics?” He reached into his bag, then handed her a comic book. “The latest. Warrior Angel’s my favorite. However, Angel Girl is a lot of fun, too.”
Chloe grins widely. The boy doesn’t smile. He never smiles and instead just looks haunted and sad, but he hands her the comic, then tries to get her to put her shirt back on, and they sneak off to go read it someplace cooler until their parents are done.
“I dunno what they want, but I’ll find out and write a story on them. I’m gonna be a reporter for The Daily Planet when I grow up. I used to think it was aliens, but I don’t think so anymore.”
The boy leans back against the wall. “Do you not believe in extraterrestrial life?”
“No, I believe… I just don’t think they’d do that. Take someone and make them forget.”
“I think they would. I saw a spaceship once,” he says, in utter seriousness. “We live in an infinitely complex universe. There could be destructive, war-mongering aliens just as much as there could be cute and cuddly ones.”
“You saw a ship?” Her eyes widen again.
He gives her a single nod and leans forward. “You can’t tell anyone, ever.”
“I’m a reporter. I’ve got to tell the truth, always. No matter what.”
The boy frowns. “No one will believe you. They didn’t believe me, and I’m the one who saw it.”
Chloe shrugs. “I don’t care if people don’t believe me. They don’t anyway.”
“What don’t they believe you about?”
“The aliens… or the government. Someone takes me away and makes me forget what happened. And after I hurt.” She spreads her hands again for him. “Daddy said that I hurt them playing soccer, but I think maybe he was lying. I think they did this. But I never know why.”
“Where else do they hurt you?”
Chloe shakes her head stubbornly.
The boy thins his lips and puts his fingers ever so lightly on her shoulder. “I’m sorry you have no one to tell, or that they don’t understand what you’re trying to say. Memory is a funny thing. Our minds try to protect us from what is happening, and it can manifest in strange ways… I mean. Maybe we forget, or rewrite what happened in a way that we can handle.”
“I… um…”
“If you ever see the aliens, or the government agents, if they ever try to touch you in a way that you don’t like, or hurt you, keep trying to tell your parents. They’ll be able to figure out who it is eventually. That’s their job. To protect you.”
She nods and looks at her hands. “It hasn’t happened in a while. But… it scares me. I don’t want to remember… but I don’t want to forget either. Sometimes… when I dream-“
“Hey!” Her daddy comes outside and sees them leaning against the wall together. A scruffy man who looks like a hobo in a suit comes out after them.
“She just got dropped off from school,” the boy lies quickly. The scruffy man moves behind him and immediately places his hand on the back of the boy’s neck. Her daddy shoos her inside, and as she’s leaving she hears the boy telling her daddy that he needs to listen to what she’s saying about her dreams.
”Lex,” Chloe urged. “Who is Moira Sullivan?”
Lex’s head dipped downward, and he began to pace again.
“Do you know? Tell me… if you do. Is she my mother?”
“No, Chloe,” he practically whispered, lifting his head and meeting her eyes regretfully.
Chloe dropped the hand that was raised in preparation for attack and made an exasperated noise. “Who is she? I know she’s lapsed back into her catatonic state, but… who is she? Why do I dream about her? Why do I have memories of her singing me to sleep?” her voice cracked slightly, and she pressed her lips together. She wouldn’t cry. Not in front of Lex.
Lex’s expression seemed sympathetic. “Moira has the ability to control individuals with meta-human power. Especially individuals who have a concentration of meteor radiation in their bodies.”
“I know that, Lex,” she said tensely. “That’s how she was able to make me steal that truck and run you off the road… and everything else she made me do.”
“Control isn’t always physical,” Lex said in a gentle tone.
“She-“
Lex stopped moving and looked up once again. “Controlled your memories?”
Chloe’s mouth dropped open.
“I sincerely apologize. You were never to come in contact with her. We weren’t aware how she was getting to you.”
“Where is my mom? My real mom?”
Lex shrugged. “Back at Fairview. In Grandville.”
Chloe hugged her arms and widened her eyes. “Who is Moira Sullivan?”
”She’s a woman who was a friend of your family. She truly believed that she was your mother.”
Chloe chest began to rise and fall rapidly. “No no… mothers don’t… no…”
“Chloe!” Lex moved towards her, and she backed away sharply.
“Don’t start with me, Lex!” she yelled, barely able to breathe.
“I’m not-“
“You experimented on me!”
“That’s not what we were trying to do, Chloe! We-“ He cut himself off and backed away, showing her his hands in surrender. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry. If someone who’d strapped you down on a table walked up to you and said ‘I’m sorry’ would you forgive him?”
“No, I wouldn’t. I haven’t forgiven any of them,” Lex replied immediately. “And you don’t have to. While I don’t deserve forgiveness, you deserve an apology.”
“Wh-what?” Chloe lifted her chin. Lex shook his head. She took a deep breath. “Okay… okay. I… I have to see my mom.” She rubbed her arms and walked back and forth for a moment. “Why. Why talk to me? Why tell me this?
“Making amends is Step Nine of the Evilaholics Anonymous program.”
”Cut the bullshit, Lex,” she snapped.
Lex shrugged again and frowned softly.
“What are you really trying to do? You aren’t trying very hard to explain yourself.”
“Redemption in my mind isn’t about a flashy outward show. It’s about the inward journey, and doing whatever you can to ease the pain of the one you wronged. I know… that I might not be able to do that.” He thinned his lips. “And if you never forgive me, I have to accept that. From my own experiences, I know that forgiveness of the one who hurt you… isn’t always wise, Chloe.”
“I have to see my mother,” Chloe repeated. She looked at Lex for another moment. “And you’ve got to stop forgiving your dad. If you ever find him.”
“Will you forgive Moira?”
Chloe looked away evasively. “I don’t even know everything she did.”
“Sorting out what really happened will take time. Talk to your mother. Talk to your father. They can help you fill in the pieces,” Lex advised.
“You were there. You told my father to listen to my dreams… why?”
Lex put his hands back in his pockets. “My assessment could have been wrong.”
“Tell me,” Chloe demanded.
Lex tilted his head to the side. “The way you moved. The way you talked about it. The way you didn’t. I recognized the signs. I would, as you likely know.”
It was difficult for her heart to go out to a man who had hurt so many people. But it did. She wasn’t sure if there was anything she could do to make things better for him… but maybe at this point, it needed to be hard, for him to work through his role on the other end of this spectrum of abuse.
“Tell me what you thought happened, Lex. Please?”
“I suspected someone had been molesting you. Probably hurting you physically as well.”
Chloe felt her eyes pricking with tears. She shut them before they could betray her.
Lex spread his hands and continued. “It makes sense to me, particularly after having spoken to Moira. She can make you forget. She can alter your memories. She can make you do whatever she wants. She told me of this… ‘special bond’ that the two of you had.” He paused and shivered, looking a bit sick at the thought, as though this might be hitting too close to home.
Chloe had sharp eyes, and she never missed little details. Lex always stiffened when his father touched him.
“I knew what she meant. I believe she thinks she loves you, that the two of you were very close. Your father trusted her to take care of you after school. That much I know from asking Gabe about her. If she wakes again, you could be in danger. We don’t know how she was controlling you.”
“She gave me the piece of jewelry she was using, Lex. You don’t have to worry about me,” she assured him.
“I will always worry about you, Chloe. Whatever happens, please understand that you don’t have to become desperate. You can come to me. Haven’t I always tried to help you and Clark when you asked?”
“I’ll take that under consideration.” Chloe rolled her eyes and started to turn her back, then in a strange moment she stepped closer to him and put her arms around him tightly. Lex froze, as though he didn’t know how to react. Chloe more than understood, but was pleased when his strong hand touched her shoulder lightly. “Don’t let yourself get desperate again, Lex. You don’t have to; do you understand that? There are people who can help…”
Present: 20 years old
Fairview is a well-lit facility. Chloe knows that Clark heard the name of this place and assumed that it was something like Belle Reve, but there really is nowhere like Belle Reve, that Chloe can think of. Maybe in Gotham. This place, though, is clean, with warm blue walls and murals and friendly, well-trained staff. Most of the patients walk around in somewhat normal clothing. The orderly takes her down the hallways confidently; he is mostly guiding her. In Belle Reve, she might need a guard.
“Hi, Mom,” Chloe whispers, walking into her mother’s room.
The blond woman turns, looking a bit confused for a moment before focusing on Chloe and smiling. “Baby,” she replies softly, opening her arms.
Chloe walks over quickly and hugs her mother, Gillian Sullivan. The smell of her mother doesn’t have the perfume she remembers, but it’s close enough, and tears come to her eyes. She hasn’t been here for her mother enough. Not nearly enough. That part of the time she wasn’t able to recognize her real mother was cold comfort. Gillian was still been alone during that time, and Chloe will always wish she could be there for her more. If only there were a decent mental institution closer to where she lived. Chloe had seriously considered applying for a job at the Grandville Gazette.
“I love you, mom. I’m sorry I haven’t been here in awhile.”
“Your father hasn’t been in some time either,” the woman remarks sadly, drawing her feet up onto her bed. She always seems lonely.
“I talked to the heads of the hospital, and they said that you and I could go out sometime. Would you like that?”
Gillian reaches out for Chloe’s hand and squeezes it. “Your heart is in pain, baby. What is it?”
Chloe scoots up against her mother and leans on her shoulder. “I died.”
“Did you?” Gillian asks with interest.
Chloe nods. “I… I was going to ask you if you remembered if I did things like that when I was young, but I think that was when Moira was babysitting me.”
Gillian’s expression sours hearing that name.
Chloe searches her mother’s face, then continues, “I can heal people, mom. You can’t tell anyone because they won’t believe us, but I can.”
“That’s a wonderful gift, sweetheart.” Her bright green eyes look on Chloe proudly.
“It’s not a gift. I could… I could lose my mind… I could hurt people. I can’t… I can’t hurt people, Mom!”
Gillian’s hands cups Chloe’s face. Her thumbs brush away Chloe’s tears. “I know, honey, but I don’t think that you will. My problems aren’t particularly of the Norman Bates variety, if you know what I mean.”
Chloe bites her lips and thinks of how she’s going to explain. “Moira’s catatonic now. She was locked up somewhere else. Then she was moved.”
“Good. I don’t want that bitch anywhere near you,” Gillian snaps.
Chloe wraps her arms around her mother and hears her own voice rising higher and higher. “I’m so scared, mom. Not of Moira. Of myself. Of becoming as bad as her. I can’t even remember everything, but I know how… sometimes you start doing things that people have done to you-“
“You never will,” her mother says confidently. “Chloe didn’t you just tell me that you died? You died to save someone, did you?”
“Well. I got better.” Chloe raises a brow and hears her mother laughing.
“Remember your death, Chloe. Always. Remember your death. Although Moira has her own mental problems, she could control how much she hurt you. She never had to do those things. Your father told me, dear, when he found me.” She rubs her daughter’s back in circles. “But remember how you’ve used your powers, and what that means. It’s not your powers that define you, but what you choose to do with them, always.” She lifts Chloe’s face upward. “Moira misuses hers. You won’t. Your father doesn’t.”
“D-dad has powers?” Chloe shoots up straight in surprise.
Gillian laughs. “He never told you? Well, no wonder you’re so surprised to find out what you can do.”
“So, what, I come from a line of meteor freaks?” Chloe wrinkles her nose in frustration.
“Oh, for goodness sakes. Don’t say that. Unless you are using it to empower yourself. Your aren’t a freak, Chloe. You and your father have powers, probably from the meteor shower-“
“Were we in Smallville?” Chloe interrupts, half wanting to get out her pen and paper to take notes.
“Well, no, but we were flying down to Metropolis on the company jet. Your father had just gotten a job at the LuthorCorp plant in Metropolis, but our plane got hit by some of the meteor rocks, and we went down. I’d say you and your father gained your abilities then. He was hurt, and you put your little hands over him and cried. I really had no idea how he’d survived until now.” Her hand pets over Chloe’s hair. “Though, sweetie, if it wasn’t that, you may have come by your powers naturally, through my side of the family. Every woman in my family has had some kind of ability. Not one of us has escaped the Gift, I’m afraid.”
“Mom, what is this Gift that every woman in our family has? If it’s a gift, I don’t understand why you have to be locked up here,” Chloe asks with a frown. “You seem fine now.”
“It’s clairvoyance, mostly. I have a strong touch of empathy, myself. On the outside, I lose track of who I am. Often psychiatrists mark us as crazy and don’t believe our visions are anything more than delusions. Though, I’ve been here for nine years now; I’m getting better at coping with it.” Gillian covers her mouth and takes a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, sweetie. I shouldn’t have left the way I did.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” Chloe insists. “Where did you go?”
Gillian lowers her hands and looks at Chloe guiltily. “I was being pressured by the government to help them. I felt they needed me, and I was afraid that they would find something in you or your father. I should have said goodbye. I should have… I should have known about Moira. In my meditation, I should have seen the horrible things she would do to you.”
“You can’t blame yourself. Her power is to control people like us,” Chloe explains. She takes her mother’s hand. “And I don’t know much about how your powers work, but I don’t think you can control what you can see, can you?”
“No, but… you’re my daughter. I should have known that she wanted to replace me.” Gillian pats Chloe’s hand and shakes her head. “My mother always told me the Gift won’t bow to you wishes. I can’t help thinking that I should have used it to save the ones I love, and not strangers.”
Chloe beams. Her mom. Saving people. “I wanna hear about the things you did, someday.”
“Today, babygirl, I want to hear about you.” Gillian wraps her arms around her daughter and sighs. “I know it’s hard. I know that normality probably seems easier, but normality really isn’t all that normal. Not for our family.”
Chloe’s chest swells with hope, and she curls up against her mother to talk about everything she could remember from being with Moira, the crazy things that had happened over the years in Smallville, her recent breakup, and her deteriorating relationships with Lois and Lana. Her mother listens, making comments here and there as she strokes her fingers through her daughter’s hair.
When it comes time to go, Chloe cries again, promising to visit her as much as she can and to try to get her father to come as well. She leaves Fairview with lighter shoulders, and she remembers. Remembers falling to her knees. Shutting her eyes and seeing brilliant green before opening them and watching the wound in Lois’ belly pulling itself grotesquely together. Remembers standing up and stumbling. Leaning against the wall and feeling so much joy that her love could do such a miraculous thing.
Chloe pulls out her keys and calls her father, getting the answering machine again. She frowns and leaves a message: “I visited Mom. Daddy, we need to talk. Until then, try to keep your feet on the ground.”
She smirks as she gets into her car, knowing that someday she’s going to come back for her mother and take her away from this place for good. Until then, she’ll be trying her hardest to stay on her feet. Knowing that what she has inside her isn’t just an illness, nor a bit of madness that will inevitably swallow her whole, but instead it is an integral part of her. As much as the hacking mojo she learned from her not-a-boyrfriend in middle school and her journalism skills are. As much as her abuse and her heartbreaks are. Even more, it is a part of her originating from her connection to her family.
And Chloe will learn how it works, as she untangles the bits and bobs of her memories, and learns more about herself, and how she can use all that she has to bring forth her joy to the world.