a sleepless mind in his heart and an insatiable personality

Mar 22, 2007 13:00

Days are ticking by again. Go here, hurry there. I'm so trapped and spent and thirsting for something else. I find myself reading more and more. Anything to experience something. To go everywhere and nowhere at once. I'm longing. One word that sums up my life, longing. I find myself longing the keenest when I am happiest in life. Where have I heard that before? It seems so long ago that I understood these things. I'm finding religious philosophy in making toast. I understand my bedroom to be a holy temple. I see the pulse and movement of everything just beneath the skin.

God is everywhere, speaking to me. In rushed whispers or roaring winds, when I log on or pick up a book. And I feel so numb to it all somehow. I can't explain. I know that whatever I am doing right now I'm meant to be doing this. I'm meant to be feeling this and numbness. There are so few people I can explain this to. I can talk with B. about this and he does understand but in a different way. He starts speaking of the "Holy Ghost" and how hard it is to "live that life". I beg to differ. The "life" lives you. When light is shining all around and finally your eyes can see it that is so threatening and profound. But I guess in a way he's completely right too. I could choose not to see this, I could cover this over with a thousand different dramas like usual.

Or I could choose to let go of all this self pity and stop blaming everyone else. It doesn't matter who is to blame because nothing matters against this light, nothing at all but everything at the same time. Everything matters in such a new way. You see this is why I never struggle with whether or not atonement is real, whether or not I'm pagan or christian. Because in the end the only question is will you let it go? Will you serve the Living God by losing yourself completely and becoming yourself more than you ever have? And this is how I know God is real. He is the God of the Hunt, She is the Mother of us all. He is the love of Christ, She is the Holy Spirit.

And even this shadow of myself that I am I look around and all I can say is "holy, holy, holy".
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