Smooth as Butter: Zhou Mi x Henry
My fourth entry in the bonamana_x fanfiction challenge created by myself, cereal_strawz , and astormisbrewing . The master list for the pairings is here, I found this really bad pick-up line about butter...and used it in the fanfiction. Please enjoy.
Title: Smooth as Butter
Pairing: Zhou Mi x Henry
Rating: PG-13 for Zhou Mi’s unintentional dirty mouth?
Genre: Comedy
Theme: Butter
Summary: Zhou Mi has been taking too many crash courses in seduction from the rest of Super Junior, he just doesn’t know it. Henry, on the other hand, does.
All Henry had wanted was a piece of toast.
“I wanna butter your toast and eat you for breakfast.”
Henry paused halfway to the toaster. “E-excuse me?” Perhaps he hadn’t heard correctly. His Korean still wasn’t the best, and Zhou Mi’s accented version of it was even more difficult to understand. Obviously, something had just been lost in translation.
Zhou Mi smiled cheerfully at him from where he sat at the table with his bowl of noodles and his cup of coffee. Henry didn’t understand how anyone could eat so many noodles. This entire house was full to the brim with noodles. If he had to look at one more cup ramen he would kill. All he really wanted was a gigantic package of beef jerky, but everyone said that was unhealthy for breakfast so he’d decided on toast. And that…brought him back to his current problem.
“Eunhyuk hyung told me that! Well, he and Donghae were talking about toast and giggling and I overheard. It’s funny, isn’t it?”
Not even remotely so. If Henry had describe it as anything, it would be pitiful. Had that been meant to be a pick-up line? If so, why was Zhou Mi seducing him in the first place? He simply shook his head and placed the bread in the toaster before he paused, “Do you think we have butter?”
“Butter? I’ll check!” Zhou Mi was oddly chipper this morning-unlike Henry, who hated mornings and the entire action of ‘waking up’ with a passion-and had practically skipped over to the fridge. He pulled it open and began searching.
“So, do you like strawberries or blueberries?”
Well that was a random question. Henry paused in his search for a glass for his orange juice and turned. “Um, blueberries…why?”
“Because I need to know what kind of pancakes to make you in the morning.”
Henry had heard the line before. Not directed at himself, but he’d heard it. It was meant to be sexy, or confident, or maybe exuding sex-ok, it could only exude sex if Heechul hyung was saying it while half-clothed and leaning seductively in a doorway-but when Zhou Mi said it…it just really sounded like he wanted to make Henry pancakes.
“Where did you hear that one?”
“Yesung hyung!”
Henry went back to looking for a cup, as he heard Zhou Mi continue looking through the fridge for the butter. Really, it shouldn’t have been that difficult to find…maybe he should have found it himself.
“Maybe I should just eat some cereal…” Henry muttered to himself, not really meaning for Zhou Mi to hear.
“Cereal? Oh, I know a cereal joke! Do you like Kelloggs?” The way he said Kelloggs was cute, but that was not what Henry was supposed to be paying attention to! He needed to find the root of this ‘pick-up line’ problem. Because of this, he found himself saying wearily, “Yes.”
“Wanna frost my flakes?”
“Seriously, where did you even hear that one?”
Zhou Mi frowned a bit. “You haven’t laughed at any of them yet. Maybe they aren’t funny. Kibum told me this one though, and it’s an American joke, so you should get it! I’ll be the Burger King, and you’ll be the Dairy Queen: you treat me right, and I’ll do it your way!”
Henry blinked.
Zhou Mi stared in anticipation, as if he were waiting for it all to sink in and for Henry to burst into maniacal giggles. Zhou Mi was sorely disappointed when Henry simply turned around and began searching through the pantry.
“…peanut butter…it’s like butter…on toast…”
“Your legs are like peanut butter, smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.”
Ok well that one was inventive, and explicitly sexual. But the image it brought was not something Henry wanted to think about it. It was also an image he knew that Zhou Mi wasn’t thinking about because he was Zhou Mi…and Zhou Mi probably had no idea what half of those words meant.
Sometimes, ignorance was bliss.
Henry would just have to not mention any more foods as he waited for his bread to finish toasting. He couldn’t give Zhou Mi any more ammo to fire at him. There was only problem with this. The silence seemed to be uncomfortable for Zhou Mi, or maybe he simply figured that Henry was waiting for him to tell another corny, sexual food pick-up line…because he did.
“Kangin said a really funny one…or maybe it wasn’t, because Leeteuk-umma hit him afterwards and told him ‘not in front of the kids’ when Ryeowook and I walked by.” He seemed to take Henry’s silence as eager expectance, because he continued, “So it goes like this: If I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed?”
There had never been a more beautiful sound than the ding that proceeded his toast popping out of the toaster. Henry quickly grabbed the two pieces, not caring that they were hot and that he touched the edge of the toaster and burnt his index finger. He quickly put the toast on a plate.
He paused. There…was still no butter. What had Zhou Mi been looking for all this time?
“Zhou Mi…where is the butter?”
“Hm?” Zhou Mi blinked, before giving a sheepish grin. “Oh! Sorry! I’ll continue looking.”
Why did Henry feel as if he had just extended his torture? Where did everyone get these lines anyway? The only one who should know anything about pairing food and seduction together should have been Shindong…or someone who wanted to seduce Shindong.
…did that mean that the rest of Super Junior secretly wanted to seduce Shindong?
Or did they all secretly want to seduce Zhou Mi? They were, after all, telling him all these jokes. Henry felt a sudden stab of fear for his older band mate. He needed to protect him! Zhou Mi was too naïve and innocent and cute!
“I guess none of the jokes were really that funny, but this last one is the best!” Zhou Mi smiled brightly as he turned from looking in the fridge, “Heechul hyung told me this one, and it’s my favorite: If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!” He paused, “I don’t get it but it must be funny, because Hankyung ge started laughing really hard afterwards…” He blinked, “You’re…not laughing…?”
Henry was closer to crying.
By this point, Henry simply grabbed his toast and left without the butter. He didn’t need it. There was nothing wrong with simple, toasted bread. Nothing.
He was not about to ask for jam, not when he figured an entire slew of sexual innuendos would ensue. No, he was going to go and cry to Leeteuk and hope he made everyone stop giving Zhou Mi seduction tips. Or trying to get into his pants, whichever the case may be.
He was halfway to the door with his toast in hand when Zhou Mi called out his last line, still rummaging through the fridge, “Hey! I found the butter! Oh, that reminds me of another joke: I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey!”
Henry whirled around, “Where did you even hear that one?”
“…Leeteuk.”
Henry was no longer going to the older man for advice.