Could You Just Hold Me? 28/50
Chapter 28
After a few days Nick felt better. The evidence on his body faded as it did on Dean's. When there was no trace left, then it was like it had never happened, right?
During the day he kept himself busy, Bobby's books were good for that. There was so much evil out there, so many things to learn, and he absorbed everything. Succubi were still on the top of his list and he wanted to know everything there was to know about them but he wasn't picky about the rest. He spent hours with Sam or Bobby or both of them reading, discussing, learning.
Okay, he got a little bit anxious when neither Dean nor Sam were in the same room with him and yeah, he had a panic attack or maybe two but he got better. He didn't need constant physical contact anymore, most of the time, and over the day he could go for hours without thinking about her.
The nights were a different thing. With nothing left to do than to stare into the darkness surrounding him, he couldn't hold the thoughts and memories at bay. It took him hours to fall asleep and more often than not his dreams woke him up in the middle of the night. But Dean was always there, holding him.
And there wasn't another boner incident which certainly was a plus.
Nick woke up early with Dean still asleep pressed at his back and even in his sleep Dean had his arm protectively thrown over Nick. Over the last few days Nick had perfected the art of slipping out of the bed without waking Dean and he went for a shower.
That had become his morning routine. He tip-toed out of the room, had a shower as hot as he could stand and maybe even a little hotter than that and then he went downstairs where he would find Bobby and some much needed coffee.
He could get used to this, had gotten used to this already, but there was this little voice in his head that grew louder with every day telling him that this wasn't the solution. He couldn't go on like this forever. Sam and Dean had a busy life, had people to save and monsters to kill, and he was holding them back. And Bobby was a nice guy but he wouldn't want Nick to stay in his house forever.
But every time Nick thought about his future he only saw a big, black hole of nothingness. He couldn't go back to his old life, his best friend was dead and he wasn't sure if he could ever work the streets again. Not at the moment, anyway. He could barely take his shirt off in front of Dean and he could tolerate a touch from Sam or Dean, in fact he needed those touches, but as soon as the one touching him was out of his line of sight things became difficult.
"Everything okay, boy?" Bobby looked up from his newspaper when Nick entered the kitchen. There was a steaming mug of coffee waiting for him so Bobby had gotten used to their little morning routine as well which ghosted a little smile on Nicks face. With a sigh he slipped in his seat and breathed in the aroma of the coffee. Everything looked better with coffee.
"You didn't sleep well?" Bobby guessed and Nick wondered if he was referring to the shadows under his eyes or if Nick had woken up with a scream in the middle of the night. He had woken up a couple of times but he couldn't tell if he had screamed or not.
Nick hmpfed into his coffee and was glad when Bobby didn't push it. He nursed his coffee and nibbled at a piece of toast but Nick didn't feel like eating today. If he was honest he didn't feel like anything today. So he was glad when Sam strolled in not much later, still in his sleepwear and with bed-hair.
Bobby showed Sam an article he'd found in the newspaper and a minute later they were discussing if this was worth checking out and if it was what it could be. Nick didn't listen in to the conversation, his mind was floating somewhere in gray fog and for the moment he was content with not thinking at all.
At some point Dean came into the kitchen and he stroke Nick's hair when he said "Morning". He sat down next to Nick with their knees touching and that drew him back out of this floaty state of mind.
"You wanna check this out?" Dean asked Bobby without bothering to swallow the half-chewed bacon in his mouth first.
"It's probably nothing but I think I'm going to have a look. You never know." Bobby finished his coffee and above his head Sam and Dean exchanged a look. Nick knew exactly what they were thinking. With Bobby in the house they had to be careful with showing affection and even Nick had to remind himself that Sam was a good friend and not his boyfriend as long as Bobby was around.
It would be good to just be himself without constantly thinking about how his interaction with Sam would look to Bobby for a while. And there was the sex, of course. It was the last thing Nick wanted to do right now but Sam and Dean didn't have any action in a while, too. Nick didn't want to participate at the moment, even watching them was probably too much, but he wouldn't mind if Sam and Dean were going at it as soon as Bobby was out of the house.
"Sam." Bobby interrupted Nick's thoughts. "I'd like you to come with me on this."
"Ehm … I …" Sam threw his brother a helpless glance. "This doesn't sound like much. Probably a bust anyway."
"Maybe." Bobby pondered that for a moment. "But if not I would like to have some backup around."
Sam opened his mouth to protest but closed it without saying a word. And that was it.
They finished breakfast and less than an hour later Sam and Bobby left the house. If this turned out to be what they called a hunt they could be gone for a few days.
On the porch they said their goodbyes and to Nick's knowing eye it was obvious how much Sam and Dean had to restrain themselves to not hug and kiss. Instead Dean slipped in his big brother role, reminding Sam to be careful and to not take candies from strangers.
"Yeah, yeah." Bobby finally interrupted them. "And I'm going to make sure that he puts on warm socks, too. Can we go now?"
"The old man gets grumpy." Dean observed but waved his brother to leave already.
Sam hugged Nick and whispered an "I love you." in his ear and then Nick watched them drive away until they disappeared behind the old car wrecks.
"Looks like it's just the two of us now." Dean said and slung an arm around Nick's shoulder. Caught by surprise Nick stiffened for a second but then he huddled against Dean.
They went inside and Nick buried himself in the study. Dean sat nearby doing gun maintenance, the smell of the gun oil and the soft clicking of metal against metal reminding Nick that Dean was there.
Nick stared blindly at the pages and by the time Dean brought him a sandwich for dinner he had no idea what he'd done the last few hours. Judging but the worried expression on Dean's face he'd most likely stared at the same page for hours.
"We could watch some TV." Dean suggested while they ate their sandwiches. "Whatever you want just tell me."
All of a sudden it was too much. Dean stood too close to him, the room seemed to close in on him and the lingering smell of gun oil mixed with dust and leather threatened to suffocate him.
"I need fresh air." Nick dropped his half-eaten sandwich on the plate and bolted for the door. "Alone."
Nick breathed easier when he had some piles of old cars between himself and the house, when Dean couldn't see him anymore. He wandered aimlessly through the labyrinth of junk cars, hands buried deep in his pockets. The wind was chilly and he had forgotten to take his jacket with him but he didn't really feel the cold settling in his body.
Nick had no idea what was wrong with him today. The feeling of floating was back, his mind drifted in comfortable silence, disconnected from his body.
"Nick, hey man." Suddenly Dean was there. Why couldn't he leave him alone for five fucking minutes? But then Nick noticed how dark it already was. Had he been out here for hours?
"C'mon, let's get back inside." Dean coaxed him back towards the house. "You're all cold. How about a hot shower while I make us something to eat?"
Dean was babbling and that freaked Nick out because it meant that Dean was freaking out.
"Hey, it's okay." Dean rubbed Nick's chest and the warmth of his hand seeped through the thin t-shirt Nick was wearing. "Just breathe, you're good. Everything is fine."
Nick wasn't sure about the logistics behind this but not soon after that he stood naked under the hot spray of the shower. It didn't help against the cold inside of him. He still felt floaty and disconnected and wrong.
Nick wiped the mirror clean to look himself in the eye. He had no idea who the person was looking back at him and with a strangled cry Nick dropped to his knees. Arms slung tightly around himself, hugging himself, he rocked back and forth. His left knee had landed on something hard but it was a distant feeling not really connected to himself. But the pain grew with his rocking and it slowly pierced through the fog clogging his mind.
Nick froze. He felt his body, it was his again, he was there. Everything was so clear all of a sudden. The pain was like an anchor, grounding him, something he could hold on to.
But the pain rose farther, beyond the point where it helped him focus, and Nick shifted to get his knee off whatever he was kneeling on. His jeans, he realized, more precisely the buckle of the belt. With the pain gone he felt himself losing his focus again.
Nick licked his lips. Finally he knew what he needed and he felt a little bit stupid that he hadn't made the connection sooner. It wasn't that this was new to him.
Carefully he freed the belt out of the loops. Now he only needed to convince Dean.
Right on cue Dean knocked at the door.
"Nick, you alright?" He asked through the door. "You're scaring me here, man."
"Come in." Nick said with a dry mouth and even to his ears his voice sounded strange. Dean opened the door and stopped dead as soon as he spotted Nick.
Kneeling naked on the floor Nick bowed his head and stretched out his arms, presenting the belt to Dean.
"You have to be kidding me." Dean sounded somewhat muffled and Nick didn't need to look up at him to know that he was rubbing his face in disbelief.
"Please, sir." Suddenly Nick's voice was steady again. "I need it."
Dean stepped closer but didn't say anything for a long moment.
"You sure about this?"
"Yes, sir."
Dean took the belt from his hands.
"Please, I need it, sir." Nick didn't move, arms still stretched out he waited for Dean's orders.
"What is your safe-word?"
"Red, sir."
continue to chapter 29
back to Masterpost