Aug 07, 2011 00:10
The young man hadn't eaten properly since Darren broke up with him, he just couldn't get himself to do it and he didn't feel the need either.
When he finally reached his trailer he went straight to the sink.
His eyes were heavy and tired, bloodshot when he had rinsed off the makeup.
Chris was pale, even paler then he already was, his cheeks hollow and his eyes empty.
Why did it end like this?
He asked himself this question over and over again, whenever he was alone, before he went to bed, before he left his apartment.
It felt like he would never understand.
He knew that he had to talk to Darren to find out but it was so hard.
Facing the man who broke him like he'd never been broken before scared him.
Sure highschool had been rough but it made him stronger, this left him feel helpless and weak.
What made it even worse was that he couldn't tell anyone.
Not Amber, not Ashley, not Lea.
No one was supposed to know.
He even lied to his mother when she called him to make sure everything was fine.
She had asked him about Darren and he would have to fight back tears, saying "He's fine, he's just doing some shopping, he moved in you know."
He couldn't tell her the truth.
She was always worried about her son anyways, about him burning out in front of her eyes, overwhelmed with work because after all he was only 21 and for his mum he was still the little Christopher she raised.
He'd always be.
Chris took a deep breath, slumping down on his bed.
He felt dizzy and maybe it was because he needed to eat but his stomach told him no.
He felt sick all the time, the stinging pain in his chest was creeping through his body.
The young man reached for his phone, calling his mum because he couldn't stand it anymore.
He needed to talk.
"Hey honey! How are you? You haven't called for a while. I was worried about you!", his mum sounded so happy he wanted to cry.
He nearly said "I'm fine.", just because he was used to say it all the time, he had done this since he was 12.
Chris took a deep breath.
"Yeah, things were pretty...rough.", he finally said, rubbing his tired eyes.
"Rough? What's wrong darling - you...something isn't right isn't it? Is this about Darren?", she asked and Chris cursed her for knowing him so damn well.
"No...nothing's right mum...nothing at all. It's all breaking apart.", he felt tears prickle in his eyes and he tried to hold back a sob.
He hadn't cried for years and knowing that Darren was the reason made him feel nothing but anger and defeat.
"Christopher...Chris...Darling shush...it's all going to be fine."
"No, no mum it's not, it just isn't...i-it's over. I had my chance, he had his, we screwed up and there's nothing I can do.", he was shaking, heavy hot tears falling from his eyes.
"Shit...", he muttered, using his sleeve to dry his eyes.
"Do you...do you want to tell me what happened? Do you want me to visit you?"
"Y-you can't mum it's a 4 hour trip."
"You know that distance could never stop me."
"Thank you mum...but it's fine.", he smiled softly.
"Don't say that all the time. I know it's not. You know it's not. Just tell me what happened.", her voice was soft, comforting and it felt like home.
Chris let out a shaky sigh.
"I...I don't know what happened. W-we had an argument about him going public...no...wait I didn't even...I didn't force him into going public the next day you know, I just suggested it. I told him that if he really loved me...he'd - he'd...at least tell his family...because I love this man so much mum. I love him so much it hurts and he just dumped me for that. I just wanted him to show people he loved me just as much so I knew for sure. I never doubted his feelings before but I just wanted proof. Was that so wrong of me?"
"Honey it depends on how you told him. You said you didn't force him but at the same time you said you wouldn't believe his love was sincere if he didn't. See what I mean?"
"Y-yes of course but he knows I didn't mean it like that...I wanted to explain myself but he just said...that he doesn't think he'd love me enough to do it. He just left mum, he walked out on me and called me a girl because I was trying to get him to stay...I never wanted him to go mum...I told him 'go' because I was so upset but I meant 'stay'. I...I just want to be loved like I loved him. Unconditionally and if he really cared about me he would have stayed to figure everything out. I don't give a fuck about him being out as long as I can have him...it was just a suggestion. I just wanted him to accept himself."
"Language Christopher and I see why you're upset...I really do. Have you tried talking to him after he left? I mean...everybody needs time to cool off and maybe he just felt offended."
"He wanted to call me so we can meet up and talk...but I honestly don't know about that...today we had to shoot a scene and it already was pretty ugly...you know...it's just...it's hard to talk to him...we just keep blaming each other and it hurts a lot. I'm tired of it...and he said he didn't love me...so I guess I already have my answer."
"You never know. Just talk to him. You went through a lot of stuff and he wouldn't have spent a year with you if it didn't mean anything. That just doesn't sound like Darren at all. Just find out what's bothering him. And sweetie? Call me soon ok? I was worried sick because you never called! Oh and Hannah says hi!"
"I will mum...I'm sorry. Tell her I love her and that we can skype again as soon as things are figured out ok? And give her a hug."
"Of course sweetie. Take care. I love you."
"Love you too mum...and thanks for listening."
"That's what I'm here for Chris.", she said and he could hear her smile.
They hung up and Chris laid back, staring at the ceiling.
His mind was blank.
He didn't even have the strength to think about Darren right now.
Chris just felt tired, worn out.
He just wanted to sleep so desperately.
Darren would call if he was ready, until then he couldn't do anything but close his eyes and wait for the time to pass.
darren criss,
crisscolfer,
chris colfer,
rpf,
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