Exchange Fic #22: The Romantic Misadventures of Sarah Williams (1/2)
Mod note: This fic was written by another incredible pinch hitter who deserves a round of applause for swooping in to deliver a gigantic fic on such short notice! :)
The actual identity of the writer will remain secret until all the submissions are in and posted.
****
Title: The Romantic Misadventures of Sarah Williams, Part One
Author: lixxle
Recipient: merellia
Prompt: Anything with Sir Didymus. I love when he-and other minor characters, too- show up in Labyrinth fanfic. A story doesn't have to be all Didymus All the Time, but a glimpse of what he's up to is always welcome.
Rating: T
Plot Summary/Author's Notes: Sarah Williams experienced her first romantic disappointment just two days shy of her sixteenth birthday. For the record, it was all Hoggle's fault (even if he did have the best of intentions).
Although I was given some marvellous alternative prompts, I, too, have a soft spot for the minor characters so I threw as many as I could. I hope you enjoy it! All mistakes are mine (and there are many. Oh so many...)
Sarah Williams experienced her first romantic disappointment just two days shy of her sixteenth birthday. For the record, it was all Hoggle's fault (even if he did have the best of intentions).
At the time, Sarah hadn't even been thinking of her love life...or the lack thereof. She had simply been sitting on the porch with Merlin after completing her chores, enjoying the Spring sunshine and sipping lemonade.
That is, until Hoggle suddenly burst through one of the hedges at the back of the garden.
"YOU," he yelled, puffing and red-faced as he hobbled hurriedly toward her, "attract trouble like Ludo attracts rocks."
He shook one stubby finger at her in an accusatory fashion and then abruptly bent forward, hands on his knees, desperately trying to catch his breath.
Sarah looked at the Hoggle-shaped hole in her newly-clipped hedge and then down at the dwarf, who was still struggling to breathe normally.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, brushing bits of hedge from Hoggle's back. "I've been mowing the lawn."
She looked at the uneven, meandering lawnmower tracks that now covered the garden.
"Badly," she amended. "There's no reason for you to come bursting in here, yelling things like that...unless I ran over a fairytale creature without knowing."
She looked over at the lawnmower, half-expecting to see bits of unicorn or some such thing trapped in the blades.
Hoggle pulled himself up into a standing position.
"No, no. Ain't nothing like that. You're about to go on another adventure. And knowing my luck, I'll be dragged into it right behind you," he grumbled.
Sarah held up her hand. "Ok. Time out. You told me that we're only granted one big adventure per lifetime. I didn't think I was even qualified for another one."
Hoggle's expression became distinctly mulish. "Well apparently the rules don't apply to you, Missy. No-one gets through the Labyrinth-but you did. No one beats Jar-" he broke off quickly and looked around.
Seeing that they were still alone, he sighed in relief.
"No-one gets their wished-away brother back," he amended, "but you did. No-one gets more than one adventure...but apparently, you do. It's your 'gift'," his air quotations rich in sarcasm, "for being 'Champion of the Labyrinth'. And apparently this adventure is going to be a big one."
A big one? Sarah was instantly intrigued; her last adventure certainly hadn't felt 'small' so what constituted a 'big' adventure was rather mind-boggling. Perhaps it contained a ship.
She shrugged. "Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so bad. Want a cookie?" she asked, calmly picking up a cookie for herself from the plate.
Hoggle threw his hands into the air. "I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. You already had an adventure where you did the rescuin'. So, according to 'The Way Things Are Done', that means you're the one who is gonna to be rescued this time around."
"What?" she screeched. "I'm going to be rescued?"
She dropped her cookie. Merlin stirred from his shady corner of the porch, snatched it up from the floor, and ran inside, triumphant.
Hoggle nodded approving. "Now that is the reaction I was expecting."
He snatched a spare glass from the open kitchen window and then hoisted himself up onto one of the porch chairs, his stubby legs swinging in the air.
Sarah was no longer calm. "What kind of adventure are we talking about here?"
Hoggle snorted disdainfully and poured himself a glass of icy lemonade. "It's the standard 'fair-maiden-awaitin'-rescue-in-a-tower' kind of adventure."
She looked at him in shock. "Why would I want to be a fair maiden, awaiting rescue? That's probably the last thing I'd want to do on an adventure!"
It was true. After she had fought her way to 'The Castle Beyond the Goblin City', Sarah had no desire to play the role of the fair, defenceless maiden-not when the hero got all the best lines and got to smash things up.
And Sarah had definitely acquired a taste for smashing things up.
"And besides," she said, thoughtfully, "how is sitting in a tower supposed to be a gift for making it through the Labyrinth?"
Hoggle looked around shiftily and then jammed two cookies into his mouth.
"You'resupposedtoberescuedbyyourOneTrueLove," he mumbled through cookie crumbs.
Sarah took a moment to decipher his comment and then lurched to her feet.
"One True Love?" she stammered, shocked. "I'm too young for a One True Love!"
Hoggle swallowed gamely. "So I keep telling them, but all they keep saying is 'True Love Waits'. Whatever that means..."
Sarah barely paid him any attention. She was already pacing across the porch.
"I don't have time to sit in a tower. And I certainly don't have any interest in a One True Love right now. I have my life all planned out!"
Hoggle nodded. "Don't I know it. You'll be off to college after high school," he recited, "to study theatre and English while, in the meantime, landing small parts in local theatre productions until you've honed your craft sufficiently to star on Broadway. Though only in plays and not in musicals because, let's face it-you couldn't carry a tune in a bucket..."
Sarah paused her pacing briefly to give him a dark look. Hoggle continued, oblivious.
"...then marriage eventually, but not until you're least thirty to give your career ample time to blossom," he rolled his eyes at the word, "then kids-two of them, four years apart to ensure that they both get equal attention, but close enough in age so that neither of them feels like an only child. Did I miss anything?"
"No," she said dryly, "you got it exactly right." She crossed her arms defensively. "I don't want this. Can you imagine how worried my family will be if I just disappeared? I don't...I don't want to disappear and never see my brother again."
Hoggle merely shrugged. "Well, you can kiss your plans goodbye. Farewell Broadway and Toby! Hel-lo tower and One True Love!"
Sarah practically collapsed into her chair. "Are you absolutely sure about this? Maybe it's just a rumor?"
"Ain't no rumor, Sarah. The whole Underground is talking about it. And you'd better be prepared because it's all going to happen sooner than you think."
"How soon?"
Hoggle took a healthy sip of lemonade. "Just after you turn sixteen. Apparently, there is some kind of age requirement."
Sarah stared at him in shock. "That's two weeks away!" Her shock turned to horror. "I have an algebra test that week!"
Hoggle shrugged again. "Don't even bother studying-algebra ain't going to help you where you're going."
Part of Sarah was rather relieved to miss the test. The rest of her, however, was rapidly heading towards a panic attack.
"How soon after my birthday?"
"Don't rightly know. It's supposed to be a surprise. But, mark my words: One day, you'll be on your way to school, minding your own business, and from out of nowhere a dragon will swoop down, grab ya, and fly away! And then where will you be?"
She frowned. "Where will I be?"
"Probably stashed away in the highest tower of some ol' deserted castle, surrounded by lava, waitin' to be rescued." He shook his head. "Damn lava."
Sarah blinked. "Damn lava," she agreed and took a long sip of her lemonade.
"And I ain't got no idea how you're going to get rescued from there. Lava tends to be hard to cross-even harder than the Bog."
He bit savagely into another cookie.
"Do you have you any idea who is going to rescue me?"
He shrugged. "Typically, a One True Love tends to be a prince."
A prince. Sarah thought about that for a moment. During her lifetime, she had only met one royal male and he was prone to giving her hallucinogenic fruit or sending stabby bits of machinery after her. Consequently, the prospect of a royal suitor wasn't as pleasant as it should be.
"Are you sure it's going to be a prince? Couldn't it be a knight?"
Hoggle shook his head. "We ain't got all that many knights anymore, on account of the dragons. Apparently the armor makes knights delightfully crunchy."
Sarah sighed. "Well, if it's a prince, I guess that narrows things down a little."
"Don't be so sure. We're talking about the Underground, so everything that can go wrong will go wrong."
Sarah's stomach dropped. "What do you mean?"
"If your One True Love doesn't rescue you in time, you might get accidentally rescued by something else; troll, jabberwocky, chicken. Though," he said thoughtfully, "of those options, your best bet is the chicken."
Sarah stared at him in shock. "My fate lies in the hands of heroic poultry?"
"Better believe it."
Suddenly, her eyes lit up. "Sir Didymus is a knight. And both you and Ludo have rescued me before; can't you guys rescue me this time?"
Hoggle pondered that. "We could, and we'll certainly try." He scowled, kicking out at the plastic table leg. "But, let's face it: If we ain't meant to rescue you, we won't be able to. That's 'The Way Things Are Done' when it comes to these adventures."
"Great," she said, shaking her head, her ponytail bobbing back and forth furiously. "Just great. I have to sit in a tower, surrounded by lava, waiting for someone..."
"Don't forget the chicken," Hoggle interjected.
"...or something to rescue me. What if they're incompetent and can't find me?"
Hoggle shrugged. "That's actually pretty likely. Worse still, your One True Love may not have even been born yet."
Sarah slumped in her chair. "Then I could be sitting in that tower..."
"...forever," finished Hoggle. "Though, look on the bright side: a century is typically the longest you'll have to wait."
That was a terrifying thought.
"A century in a tower seems like a lot of bother just for True Love," she said morosely.
Hoggle swallowed his cookie chunk. "Personally, I think True Love is all a bunch of goblin dung. You hear stories, but I ain't met mine and I don't know anyone who has. It's possible that you'll be sitting in that tower for nothing."
THAT was an eye-opener. Things were going from bad to lava-encrusted in seconds.
"Well, if you don't know who is going to rescue me, do you at least know who is going to kidnap me?"
"Other than the dragon? Nope." Hoggle shook his head. "But I know it ain't You Know Who. And before you ask," he interjected, as Sarah opened her mouth, "it's because he's been wearing a lot of beige lately."
At Sarah's puzzled look, he elaborated. "That usually means he's happy. If he was plotting something, he'd be wearing black."
Sarah blinked. "Huh."
They both took a moment to contemplate the Goblin King's sartorial choices and their possible relation to Sarah's future health and wellbeing.
Sarah sighed. "Can't I just say 'no' to this adventure?"
Before Hoggle could answer, Sarah stood up from her seat.
"I don't want to be stuck in a tower," she yelled at the sky. "And I don't want a One True Love! Well, not right now," she amended. "It's not that I don't appreciate the gesture, it's just that it's inconvenient right now. Thanks anyway!"
Hoggle grabbed her arm and pulled her back into her seat.
"Are you crazy? Didn't you learn anything from your trip through the Labyrinth? Words. Have. Power." He shook his head, disgusted. "Even if You Know Who is not the villain, there is still one out there right now, probably wearing black and definitely armed with a dragon. Do you really want to get his attention? Especially if your One True Love ain't goin' to rescue you right away?"
Sarah looked down at Hoggle and gave him a smirk. "Then I guess I'll just have to rescue myself then, won't I?"
Hoggle frowned. He recognized that particular smirk. It was the facial expression equivalent of 'piece of cake' and it made his eyelid twitch.
"There are some places where escape ain't all that easy from the inside," he warned, "especially when there's lava involved."
"Well then," she said, as she refilled their glasses, "I'll just have to avoid capture altogether then, won't I?"
Hoggle huffed at that.
"And dragons," she said cheerily.
"Yeah, but will the dragons avoid you?"
Sarah shrugged and patted Hoggle's shoulder. She looked fiercely determined.
"I'm not worried."
After all, she had beaten a living maze at the age of fifteen. How hard could this be?
Hoggle dropped his face into his hands. "And that's what worries me most of all."
**********
But she was worried...just a little. Which was...worrying.
After Hoggle left, she began to mentally weigh-up the pros and cons of this latest adventure.
Pros: True Love (at an inconvenient time).
Cons: Contact with dragons; unknown villain (most likely a megalomaniac fae with a Grimm fetish); lengthy stay in tower with lava-pool views; possible non-existence of True Love; high likelihood of rescue by chicken after hundreds of years waiting in the tower; not being able to see Toby grow up; Broadway plans put on hold indefinitely.
After carefully contemplating her list, it was clear that the Cons list was winning by a landslide, given that the only Pro was the slim possibility of True Love. And besides, she wondered: Was True Love really that much of a Pro? After all, her Dad and Karen were more than happy and their relationship certainly wasn't the stuff of fairytales. Did she really need her One True Love to bring future happiness?
In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she would be satisfied with the every-day, garden variety of Love rather than the fancy, fairytale variety of True Love (and Love had the bonus of being lava-free...she hoped).
By the end of the afternoon, she had come to the conclusion that True Love had to go.
****
Sarah realized that if she wanted to get out of her next adventure, she would need A Plan.
'Operation Thwart True Love,' so to speak.
She spent a productive day in the library, plotting and scheming, and then returned home cautiously optimistic, only to find the Wiseman and his hat sitting on the edge of her bed.
"Honey, I'm home," sing-songed the Hat when Sarah entered the room. "Where were you, Señorita? Had a hot date?"
Sarah snorted and reached up to scratch its head. "Yes. With a stack of library books."
"Kinky," the bird-like Hat said approvingly.
"Ahh, the library," the Wiseman beamed. "A very suitable place for a young lady. Were you trying to find something in particular?"
"Well, as a matter of fact..."
She explained that she was on the cusp of a quest for True Love and her reluctance to go along for the ride.
The Wiseman shook his head. "An adventure is a terrible thing to waste."
Sarah threw herself into her armchair, crossing her long legs at the ankles.
"Thanks, but I've had enough adventure to last me a lifetime. But I think I found a way around it." She leaned forward, excited. "Most of the heroines-Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel-were all virtuous maidens who needed a First Kiss to be rescued..."
The Hat perked up. "Oooh, I like where this is going!"
"Be quiet," the Wiseman said sternly to the little hat. He gave Sarah an encouraging look. "Do go on."
Sarah flicked her hair over her shoulder impatiently. "Well, if I give away my First Kiss, then surely I won't qualify for any new adventures, right?"
The Wiseman sighed happily. "Ahhh...a First Kiss. Love, after all, is the greatest adventure of them all."
The Hat nodded. "Though, for the record, sex can also be pretty adventurous,"
Sarah waved her hand impatiently. "I'm not talking about love...or sex," she blushed. "Just a kiss."
The Wiseman tilted his head, the little hat tipping precariously. "But what is a First Kiss, my dear, but a prelude to a 'Happily Ever After'?"
"Or a way of getting out of a coma," the Hat chirped. "Just ask Sleeping Beauty."
The Wiseman levelled a glare at his headwear. "Would you be quiet?"
"Ok, ok. Don't lose your incontinence pads," the Hat grumbled to itself.
Sarah ignored their bickering. She quickly stood up and began pacing across the room.
"I have to do something. I can't sit by and wait to be kidnapped by a dragon! Hoggle seems to think that I won't be able to get out of the tower by myself so I'd just have to sit there and wait to be rescued. And who knows how long that will take? I have all sorts of dreams and plans! I don't want to waste all that time sitting in a tower, surrounded by lava!"
"Damn lava," the Hat muttered.
"Indeed," agreed the Wiseman.
Sarah sniffed, willing herself not to cry. "And what about my family? I would simply disappear-never to be seen again. They would be so worried." She lifted her chin, determined. "I can't do that to them. I can't simply disappear and not be around to see Toby grow up."
She stopped her pacing and turned to them, her eyes beseeching. "So you must understand-I'll do whatever I can do to disqualify myself from this next adventure."
The Wiseman gave her a kind smile. "I understand. But, my dear-what if this next adventure is your one and only chance for a Happily Ever After? After all, the fair maiden is typically rescued by her One True Love and that always leads to a Happily Ever After."
Sarah blinked. "And what if I literally spend eternity in a tower waiting for a chicken?"
The Hat shrieked. "Touché, Lady!" The Hat bent down to look at his owner. "She's got you there, Old Man!"
The Wiseman merely rolled his eyes.
Sarah knelt down before them, resting her hand on the Wiseman's knee.
"What do you think? Will it work?"
The Wiseman scratched his chin meditatively. "A First Kiss has many uses. To squander it in haste would not be wise. Perhaps you should speak to His Majesty about your plans..."
The Hat nodded. "Si si. Blondie typically knows his way out of a tricky situation. And he has been mucho happy lately, wearing beige and all..."
Sarah shook her head emphatically. "No. Not him. Never him. Besides, I have to do this alone. That's 'The Way These Things Are Done'." She sighed. "Please. Tell me-will it work?"
The Hat and the Wiseman looked at each other. The Hat nodded.
"Pucker up, Señorita!"
Sarah beamed. "Thank you! Both of you!"
She lunged forward and engulfed them in a hug. The Hat preened under her attention. The Wiseman, however, patted her gently on the back and remained uneasy.
"Be warned," he intoned, "A kiss, especially a First Kiss, has its own special power-"
"Sarah!" Karen's voice called from downstairs. "Dinner's ready! Go wash up!"
Sarah pulled away from them both. "I'd better go. I'll see you later, right?"
"Like you can stay away from us," the Hat chirped saucily.
Sarah blew the Hat a kiss and bounded out of the room.
"-a power to change the course of one's life, forever," the Wiseman finished with a sigh.
The Hat tutted. "The youth of today: Always too busy to receive dire warnings of their impending doom."
The Wiseman sighed again, deeply. "Doom is right. Let's hope she chooses her First Kiss wisely, otherwise I fear that this will all go terribly wrong."
The Hat began to preen itself, supremely unconcerned. "Meh. It always goes wrong before it goes right."
**
When Sarah had presented her plan to relinquish her First Kiss to her friends during one of their weekly high teas in her bedroom, Hoggle had agreed to the plan wholeheartedly.
"Get rid of it," he had grumbled, pausing to sip Earl Grey rather daintily from a rose-print cup. "Them First Kisses are nothin' but trouble and, as I told you before, trouble seems to find you without you even trying. Besides," he frowned, "who knows who'll try'n rescue you? I wouldn't trust most princes as far as I could throw 'em. And don't even start me on the kings..." he muttered.
In fact, he was so disturbed by the thought of Sarah at the hands of an unscrupulous prince or a disreputable king that he barely touched his Oreos.
"Ok," she said briskly, her own tea untouched. "Then it's just a matter of finding a suitable candidate and kissing him. That should be enough to ensure that I am disqualified from any further adventures. Right?"
Hoggle nodded emphatically. Sir Didymus, however, looked disturbed.
"But, my Lady," he said, carefully placing his tea cup back on its saucer, "one's First Kiss is an important milestone. Why, True Love can come from a First Kiss and a Happily Ever After..."
As he spoke, Sarah's attention was caught by a flash of white outside her bedroom window. She frowned. Surely not...?
Hoggle snorted. "True love? Ha! I think all those Bog fumes have finally pickled your brain. You know what 'came' from my first kiss? Two weeks of lip rot and a broken heart."
He snorted again and looked over at Ludo, who was lapping at a bowl of milk. "Don't tell me you're buying into this True Love crud..."
Ludo looked up, a magnificent milk moustache ringing his mouth.
"Uh-huh."
Hoggle threw up his hands in disgust, but the old fox was not at all perturbed. He picked up his tea cup again, his paw delicately curled.
"Then perhaps thine First Kiss should not have been bestowed on someone who was unworthy of the honor, Brother Hoggle."
Ambrosius, sitting at the old knight's feet, barked sharply in agreement.
Hoggle gave a half-hearted shrug. "Maybe," he muttered into his teacup.
Sir Didymus gave a small smirk and turned to Sarah, who was still staring out the window.
"What say you, my Lady? My Lady?"
Sarah blinked and turned her attention back to the group.
"I'm sorry...what were you saying? Something about lip rot?" She reached for her tea cup.
"Lip rot bad," Ludo stated and returned to his milk bowl.
Hoggle rolled his eyes. "Trust you to have heard that bit."
The old fox placed his hand on Sarah's. "Just be careful, my Lady. A First Kiss is not something to be given away lightly."
Sarah gave him a bright smile. "You have nothing to fear, Sir Knight. And besides-who says that I am giving it away lightly? I have a plan."
She squeezed his hand reassuringly and then took a sip of tea. She grimaced.
"Eew, it's cold; let me get another pot. I'll be back in a minute."
Sarah picked up the teapot and quickly left her bedroom, carefully closing the door behind her.
The little knight tilted his head, listening until Sarah's footsteps faded away.
"I fear this will not end well for our Sarah," he said, worried.
Hoggle reached for a cheese sandwich. "Well, it will end far better than being surrounded by lava. That ain't no happy ending."
"Lava bad."
Hoggle gave a gruff laugh. "I'm with Ludo on this one."
Sir Didymus started to say something then stopped. Instead, he took another sip of his tea.
"Well, out with it," Hoggle grumbled.
"But would it end badly?"
"What do you mean?"
"If our Sarah is destined for another adventure-most especially an adventure with a tower and lava-then there is a very good chance that it will end in True Love and Happily Ever After. Verily, the adventures with the greatest sacrifices often hold the greatest rewards. Are we, perhaps, leading her from the path of true happiness by favoring her scheme?"
Hoggle pointed at Didymus with his half eaten sandwich.
"If there is even the remote possibility of Sarah bein' stuck in a tower for a hundred years, then she should get rid of that kiss as soon as she can," he said stubbornly. "Nothing can make up for living your entire life away from everyone who loves you. Not even True Love, if that even exists. Who knows if her One True Love would even come to rescue her?!"
He threw down his sandwich in disgust.
Didymus took another sip of his tea. "A very good argument, Brother. I confess that I would not want our fair maiden to disappear, even for True Love. Though, should she leave us, I vow that I will do my utmost to find her, even if the search takes me to the ends of the earth and to my very last breath."
"Me too," said Ludo.
Hoggle gave the old fox's shoulder an awkward pat. "I know. Me too," he said gruffly, and quickly removed his hand.
Ambrosius rubbed his head against Hoggle's calf.
"Dumb mutt," Hoggle grumbled.
He slipped Ambrosius a cookie as surreptitiously as possible, checking to see if Didymus had noticed.
Didymus hadn't; he was stroking his long whiskers in a meditative fashion.
"Perhaps, Brother Hoggle, thou should mention Sarah's predicament to His Majesty."
Hoggle, who had just taken a large sip of tepid tea, sprayed it across the room.
Directly at Ludo.
"Agh!" yelled Ludo.
Ludo blindly groped around him until his fingers found the crochet throw rug on the edge of Sarah's bed. He buried his shaggy face in it, desperately trying to wipe away the tea that was dripping from his fur.
Hoggle, however, didn't even notice. He was too horrified.
"Do I look like I have a death wish? Do you think I woke up this mornin' and said to myself: 'Today looks like a great day to be bogged! But... how can I accomplish this feat? Oh yes! I can simply mention Sarah's name within a ten mile radius of the King!'"
Sir Didymus held up one paw. "Verily, my dear friend, I did not mean to cause thou distress. Or to cause Brother Ludo, uh....moisture," he said, turning to Ludo, who was still trying to clean the tea from his fur. "It is merely that His Majesty has always maintained a feverent interest in our fair maiden's affairs; He will not be pleased when He hears of this turn of events second-hand."
At that, Hoggle only shrugged and picked up his mangled cheese sandwich.
"He is never pleased. And he'll get over it, the way he always gets over it; he'll put on somethin' shiny, dance around the throne room singing a sad song about how everyone misunderstands him, and then he'll bog a couple of goblins. Business as usual in the Goblin Kingdom."
Ludo shuddered. He clutched the tea-stained throw rug to his chest.
"Ludo scared."
Sir Didymus patted Ludo's shaggy arm. "There is nothing to fear, my Brother. Well, not on our part." He bent down and gently ruffled Ambrosius' ears. "I fear, however, for Sarah: Once she makes the decision to thwart True Love, her path will become much more difficult."
What Sir Didymus did not realise is that it was already too late. As soon as Sarah rejected the gift of True Love in favor of an adventure-free life...
...well...
True Love decided to reject her right back.
**
So, with Hoggle's endorsement still ringing in her ears, Sarah began planning her First Kiss with the single-minded focus of a fifteen year old woman trying to escape a lava-encrusted fate.
All she needed was a man-any man-to kiss. She wondered if she could simply pounce on some unsuspecting boy at school, accomplish the deed, and then run off.
Or, perhaps it would be better to do it outside of school so that she wouldn't have to deal with any uncomfortable consequences.
She sighed. Although The Plan would ensure that she remained lava-free, it would probably lead her on the merry path toward a sexual assault charge.
That evening, however, as she was finalizing her plans, the unthinkable happened-her hormones woke up. Stretching luxuriantly, they surveyed the situation, noted that an interaction with the opposite sex was imminent, and startled to meddle most gleefully.
Suddenly, Sarah became somewhat... excited...about the prospect of her First Kiss. And thanks to that growing excitement, her plans took a turn from the pragmatic to the romantic. Before she knew it, Sarah's plans for her First Kiss involved less 'pouncing' and 'running', and more 'lingering' and 'enjoying'.
And with those plans came daydreaming-lots and lots of daydreaming-about the event.
After two straight days of contemplating all the possibilities, she had planned out what she wanted from her First Kiss experience. She had decided on an innocent yet meaningful brush of lips, possibly under a starlit sky.
A full moon wouldn't go astray, either.
Perhaps the scent of wild honeysuckle in the air.
And a few fireflies scattered around the scene, for ambience.
Of course, it would be imperative that she would wear her hair up for the big event, held aloft by the tortoiseshell combs she had purchased at the Curio Shoppe on her fifteenth birthday. After all, such an important step toward womanhood should be marked by a sophisticated hairstyle-and the peony-print summer dress that Karen had bought her during their last stepmother-stepdaughter bonding attempt which, fortuitously, had happened during the sales.
By the end of the week, Sarah had the scene of her First Kiss completely mapped out in minute detail, except for the identity of the recipient. In her daydreams, he was a blurry figure, though he appeared rather tall-she couldn't imagine stooping down for her first kiss, the dynamic would be all wrong-with heroic hair and artistic hands. Surely that wouldn't be too much to ask?
Surely?
****
Unsurprisingly, given her rejection of True Love, Sarah's quest for a First Kiss did not go according to plan.
Although she had dreamed of stars and honeysuckle and tortoiseshell combs, the deed actually took place on the grimy linoleum floor of a high school hallway under a flickering neon light at exactly 10am-possibly one of the most unromantic hours of the day.
Sarah had just walked out of her History class when she had collided-literally and bodily-with Jeremy Botts; an angular young man with a prominent adam's apple, a squinty left eye, and a secret love of macramé.
They had fallen to the floor in a tangle of limbs and books and mutual "AGHHHS!"
But calamity only truly struck when Sarah had lifted her head at the exact same moment that Jeremy had accidentally lowered his and...
...well...
the deed was done.
It was less of a kiss than an act of oral warfare. There was a mashing of lips accompanied by the 'clacking' sound of teeth colliding and Sarah registered the metallic taste of braces and...eew! Cheetos...before she managed to shrug him off.
In utter horror, she registered the applause and catcalls of the other students walking down the hall. Ducking her head so that her long, dark hair hid her face from the crowd, she desperately gathered up her belongings while simultaneously trying very, very hard not to wish for the ground to open up and swallow her (because, with her luck, it would).
Then, with her chin held high, she stood up and looked down at Jeremy Botts, who continued to decorate the hallway floor in a kiss-induced stupor or possibly a mild concussion-it was difficult to tell.
"Libertine!" she hissed, pointing down at the semi-comatose boy. "Degenerate!"
And, with a regal toss of her hair, she quickly left the hallway.
****
In her queenly, albeit hurried exit, Sarah missed seeing Jeremy Botts receive a rousing round of applause from fellow members of the 'Dungeons and Dragons' society.
In fact, his friends were so impressed by his seduction of the prettiest girl in school-no matter how accidental-that they felt a sudden collective urge to raise him up onto their shoulders in recognition of his triumph.
However, this urge was quickly squashed by the knowledge that, even as a group, they lacked the upper arm strength to hoist up even a small chihuahua.
Instead, they bought him an orange soda from the closest vending machine and patted him on the back most vigorously.
****
Sarah had managed to make it all the way home before bursting into hot, angry tears. She stormed into her room, threw her books on the floor in frustration, and sat down at her dressing table.
"I need you," she said tearfully at her reflection.
In the space of time that it took for her to turn toward her bed, Ludo had appeared, his big eyes filled with compassion, his arms outstretched to catch her as she launched herself across the room.
For the next hour, snuggled against his furry orange chest, she told him all about her foiled plans, her lost dreams, and her bitter humiliation. Ludo was the perfect friend; fluffy, comforting, and quick to add his sympathies.
"Cheetos bad," he acknowledged with a sad shake of his head.
Sarah sniffed. "First Kisses should not taste like Cheetos," she agreed.
They sat in companionable silence for a moment. Then Sarah sighed.
"Do you think I was silly to have planned it all out?"
Ludo shook his large, shaggy head. "No."
"Though, I guess I did get a bit carried away." She laughed self-consciously. "I guess I still dream big."
"Good," Ludo said, rather emphatically.
Sarah took heart at that and used every scrap of courage she had to ask the question she really feared.
"Do you think it will get better?"
At Ludo's puzzled look, she tried to explain. "Kissing. Because, if what happened with Jeremy Botts is a preview of what's to come, I think kissing is going to be one of those things that's better in fairytales. And if kissing is this bad, well, Love is probably going to be a disaster..."
At that, Ludo nodded sadly.
In her current state of self-involvement, Sarah didn't ask why Ludo had seemed so wistful at the mention of Love. If she had, she would have found out that Ludo's love-life was as ill-fated as hers.
He had once spent an entire summer evening serenading a beautiful she-beast whom he had spied reclining across a hay bale. He had stayed at a respectful distance throughout the long hours of the night, singing of his appreciation for her fine horns and her feminine form, even though he couldn't see either of these features in the moonless night.
It was only when he approached his love in the pale light of dawn that he realized that it was not a female of his kind reclining in gentle repose on that hay bale, but a drunk minotaur in a ballet tutu passed out in a pool of ale. Oddly enough, such acts of drunken transvestism were commonplace in the Goblin Kingdom; it was a natural by-product of having a national drink that was as potent as paint-stripper and a King who possessed more frosted eye-shadow than an Avon saleswoman.
To be honest, Ludo thought that Sarah's misadventures with her Cheetos-flavored suitor paled in comparison to losing your heart to a cross-dressing minotaur, but he was too good of a friend to say that out loud. Instead, he simply patted her on the head and sighed.
"Love hard."
Sarah sniffed. "I think you're right about that."
"Whatever you just did, it sure did the trick."
Sarah looked up from Ludo's chest to see Hoggle peering at her from the other side of her mirror, his face creased in a rare smile.
She quickly rubbed the remaining tears from her eyes. "It worked? I'm no longer qualified to sit in a tower surrounded by lava?"
"Ha! At this point, you ain't qualified to sit in a chair in the middle of the Bog."
Sarah put on her biggest and falsest smile. "Great! That's just wonderful."
Ludo patted her shoulder.
Hoggle did a little jig on the spot. "Ain't it just? This is cause for a celebration!"
Within a blink, he was climbing over the dressing table and, with a little help from Ludo, sitting on the bed beside them.
He surreptitiously looked left, then right, then behind him, and pulled out a small bottle from his vest.
"I...ahh... liberated this from You-Know-Who's private collection."
Sarah's eyes widened. "Hoggle! Are you nuts? He will kill you!"
Hoggle shrugged. "Killin's not Captain Tighty Pants' style. He'll probably just hang me above the Bog for a while."
Sarah gave him an admiring look. "Who is this fellow sitting before me? To think, even the mention of the word 'Bog' used to send you into a panic attack."
Hoggle hung his head bashfully. "Well, there are worse things that can happen. Like being surrounded by lava. And besides," he looked up at the bottle in his hand, "I've always wanted to try this. It's Floraqua-apparently, it contains the nectar of every flower in existence. Some say that it is the most delicious drink that you will ever taste; others say that it tastes like bottled goblin pi-"
He stopped abruptly and gave Sarah an apologetic look. "Ahh, bottled goblin spit."
Hoggle held up the bottle to the light; thousands of gold flecks floated merrily in liquid the color of mother of pearl.
"Pretty," breathed Ludo, his large finger reaching out to touch the bottle.
"Lovely," sighed Sarah.
"Well?" Hoggle brought the bottle back down to eye level. "What are we waitin' for?" He pulled out the cork with his teeth and spat it onto the ground. "Let's celebrate!"
Sarah squared her shoulders. "Absolutely! A victory is a victory!"
Even if it feels a little hollow, she thought wryly.
****
Floraqua's flavor lived up to its reputation... of tasting like something that a goblin had excreted.
The three friends each simultaneously took a sip...and then spat their drink across the room. They then spent the rest of the evening trying to remove the taste of the vile liquid.
"I'm tempted to drink the Bog just to get this foul taste out of my mouth," muttered Hoggle, as Ludo dragged his tongue along the carpet.
Sarah thought it was a fitting end to her disastrous day.
Later that night, when Sarah was finally alone in her room, she flung herself onto her bed and contemplated her situation.
She wiped the last of her tears from her eyes, took a deep breath, and told herself, quite firmly, to get a grip. All of this was fixable. Her schoolmates would no doubt tease her about the incident, but they would eventually forget about it.
And as for her love life, well, it was bound to get better. This first incident was just a small hiccup and had nothing at all to do with the fact that she had rejected True Love.
Nothing at all.
Kisses, romance, Love-well, surely all of it would get better with time and practice.
Yet, just as she was finally falling into slumber, she heard a familiar male voice, whisper: Ah yes, precious thing, but hasn't it already been so much better?
And with that melodious voice came the memory of a white ballroom and a handsome King, gazing at her as if she had turned his world upside down.
***
Sarah Williams experienced her second romantic disappointment under an elm tree in her favorite park on a cold November evening.
In an attempt to drive her misbegotten First Kiss from her mind, she had turned her considerable attentions to finding the perfect target for her Second Kiss. This time, she would ensure that her plans were sensible albeit romantic; that her target was both suitable and accessible; and that the experience was romantic and Cheetos-free.
And once she found the lucky male worthy of her Second Kiss, woe betide anyone-including the man himself-who got in her way.
Marco Bryce was easily the most attractive male in her year. He was pleasingly tall with piercing blue eyes, thick dark hair, and the kind of confidence that comes from having an acne-free adolescence and an aptitude for football. To Sarah, he was a walking, talking Second Kiss in acid washed jeans.
The problem was that most of the other females in her year also had romantic designs on Marco Bryce. But Sarah didn't allow herself to be concerned with such matters-all she needed to do was to get his attention and everything would work out.
In the end, she accomplished this feat remarkably easily; all it took was a flick of her dark hair, a smile across English class, and the same kind of laser-sharp determination on her part that had seen her befriend or destroy anything that stood between her and her wished-away brother.
To be honest, Marco Bryce didn't stand a chance; it was just lucky for him that he had a penchant for formidable women.
On that fateful day, Marco Bryce had sat beside her in English class and then asked to walk her home. It was cold, which allowed them an excellent excuse to huddle close as they walked along the winding streets from the high school to Sarah's house.
Once they got to the park, Marco slowed his steps and Sarah had followed suit until they had finally stopped beneath a large elm. Sarah found herself backed against the tree trunk, as Marco closed the distance between them, his eyes glazed.
This is it! she thought triumphantly.
As his lips descended towards hers, she noticed that the evening stars were starting to peek through the clouds, a crescent moon beginning to shine above them. Her heart began to beat wildly.
It was all perfect...
...that is, until Marco Bryce shoved his tongue in her mouth and began to wiggle it around quite vigorously-rather like a salmon valiantly trying to swim upstream against a strong current.
Sarah broke free in disgust. "Look, I've only done this once, but I'm pretty sure that your tongue should not be trying to breakdance in my mouth." She gamely lifted her chin. "Clearly, this is not going to work."
She picked up her books and marched away, leaving Marco stunned, his tongue still protruding from his slack lips.
***
When she entered her room, Sir Didymus was waiting for her on her bed, Ambrosius sitting by his feet.
Sarah threw her books onto her desk and yanked off her red woollen hat. She held up her hand to halt the knight's greeting.
"Just give me a moment to wash my mouth out in bleach and I'll tell you all about it," she grumbled and walked out off to the bathroom.
Didymus and his steed exchanged looks. "Surely she jests?"
Ambrosius attempted to shrug.
When she came back, her breath minty-fresh (and bleach-free), she told him the entire story.
By the end, Didymus was, justifiably, furious. Even Ambrosius began to bare his teeth. After threatening to run Marco Bryce through with his sword, her very own knight kissed her palm very prettily. Sarah tried not to giggle at the feel of his whiskers against her skin.
"Thou art truly the brightest of all treasures, milady!"
Sarah sniffed a little, overcome. "Why thank you, Sir Knight!"
The kindly fox patted her hand. "Let no man's tongue make you think otherwise..." Sarah smiled mistily at the Knight "...else I CUT IT FROM HIS MOUTH!" he yelled, brandishing his sword again.
Ambrosius gave her a look that said: See what I have to put up with? and then placed his paws over his eyes.
Sarah coaxed the knight to put away the sword. They sat in silence for a moment, watching the snowfall from her window.
"Do you think...do you think I brought this upon myself by rejecting True Love?" she asked hesitantly.
The little knight gave her a half-hearted smile. "It could all simply be a coincidence. After all, Love is complicated at the very best of times, my Lady." His tone, however, wasn't particularly encouraging. "Though, the Sarah I know never gives up, even when the odds are greatest."
Sarah reached over and hugged him. "I won't give up. Not until I have Love in a headlock."
When the excitable old knight had finally been dragged away by his noble steed, Sarah curled up on her bed and sighed. It had seemed simple in those old fairytales-kisses were fated things that led to Happily Ever Afters; not revolting acts of tongue-based acrobatics.
Then again, perhaps those fairytale kisses were only perfect because they were of the True Love variety.
That was a depressing thought.
"Kisses and Love," she said, punching her pillow vigorously, "appear to be more complex than I first thought."
But as she slipped off to sleep, that melodious male voice intruded upon her slumber once more.
They don't have to be, the voice whispered.
And the memory came, unbidden, of a King in a white feathered cape, offering her the world.
Love me, the King implored, gazing at her as if she was his one last chance.
Love me, he whispered through her dreams.
***
Sarah Williams experienced her third romantic disappointment on the eve of her senior prom.
She had dressed beautifully for the occasion in a gown of forest green taffeta, with a sweetheart bodice and a puffed skirt. She had decided to wear her hair half up and held in place with a shiny barrette, the rest cascading artfully around her bare shoulders. Four strings of pearls were gaily festooned around her throat.
When her father saw her walk down the stairs, a little wobbly in her heels, he had demanded that she climb right back up and put on something more respectable.
In a surprising show of female solidarity, Karen had told her father that the strapless gown was not too grown up at all, and that Sarah's green eye-shadow and red lipstick were in keeping with the current fashion (and not something that ladies of the night would wear, thank you very much!). Karen also stated, quite firmly, that Sarah looked absolutely lovely and that all the girls her age would be wearing something similar.
At that moment, Sarah thought Karen was both wonderful and formidable, which was everything she aspired to be.
Her father had, as usual, crumbled under Karen's onslaught. He sighed and hugged Sarah, telling her that she looked far too lovely and was growing up far too quickly. To Karen's credit, she only looked triumphant for a moment and then clicked photo after photo of Sarah as she posed with her father and then with her prom date, Kenny J. Davis.
Kenny J. Davis started the evening as the perfect escort. He bought Sarah a corsage that was only slightly wilted; told a giggling Karen that she looked too young to have a teenage stepdaughter; ruffled Tobys hair, (and laughed good-naturedly when Toby tried to bite Kenny's calf in retaliation); and then talked sports with her Dad until they were in danger of being late for the prom.
Kenny even escorted her to his car-a magnificent red Pontiac Firebird Trans Am that was Kenny's pride and joy. He carefully closed her car door behind her and, for a moment, Sarah felt like Cinderella going off to the ball (albeit in a carriage made of metal and US automotive engineering rather than enchanted pumpkins and transformed mice).
Sarah waved goodbye to her family, who happily waved back, Karen still clicking pictures as fast as humanly possible. Toby blew her a kiss from the window and then bared his teeth when Kenny looked his way. Sarah figured that spending thirteen hours in the company of goblins during one's formative years was bound to leave a mark-a feral mark-on Toby's personality. She made a mental note to make sure that Toby didn't acquire a fondness for ale or urinating on public property in his later years.
The prom started wonderfully. Sarah danced and laughed, drank fizzy fruit punch and danced some more. Kenny had a sense of humor and some killer dance moves and they took over the dance-floor, spurred on by the cheers of the crowd.
But as the night wore on, the punch began to taste less like fruit and more like someone's mother's cooking sherry. More disturbingly, Kenny's dance moves became more and more pelvic and his hands became more and more prone to wander and grope. That is, until Sarah grew tired of saying 'no' and 'stop' and simply stopped him herself with a knee to his groin and a stiletto to his instep. Unluckily for Kenny, Sarah had knees like granite and metal-tipped heels.
Such a pity.
She felt absolutely no remorse as she left him writhing in agony on the dance-floor. She caught a lift back home with her friend Jenny and Jenny's date, Dan, who was incredibly sober thanks to his Mormon upbringing and an aversion to fruit-flavored beverages.
When she came through the front door, she quickly walked past her parents with a firm "I don't want to talk about it!" and ran straight to her room.
As soon as she switched on the light, she pulled the shiny barrette out of her hair and threw it across the room in fury.
"Careful there, luv. You could do some damage with one of those things."
Sarah looked around the room, trying to locate the voice. "Who said that?"
"Over here, luv."
On the edge of her desk was the Blue Worm.
"Oh, it's you," she said sadly, and sat down on her armchair.
The Blue Worm nodded cheerily. "Yep, it's me. Heard you got into a spot of trouble tonight. Just came to see if you were alright."
Sarah snorted. "Good news travels fast, I see."
"Bad news travels even faster. Wanna tell me what happened?"
Sarah fiddled with her strands of pearls. "My date was an octopus."
The Blue Worm blinked owlishly. "Well, that's open-minded of ya. But I gotta tell ya; interspecies love ain't all it's cracked up to be. You gotta try real hard to make it work, you do."
Sarah stared at him, stunned, and then started to laugh, which felt wonderful. "Ah...no. He wasn't a real octopus. He just became drunk and grabby."
With a sigh, she told him all about her evening.
The Blue Worm shook his head. "Well, that doesn't sound very chivalrous of him. Someone really should teach him some manners. You can't just go around treating ladies like that!"
He beckoned her closer, until they were eye-to-eye.
"Tell you what," he whispered, "let me have a chat to a few of the lads and we'll see what we can do to square this whole situation up."
Sarah teared up, touched that he was so willing to jump to her defence.
"Really," she whispered, "there's no need to do anything. I took care of it myself. Besides, I'm just...I'm just really happy that you came to see me tonight."
The Blue Worm gave her a warm smile. "Like we'd let you go through something like this on your own! You've got lots of friends, luv-just remember that."
Sarah nodded, speechless, and brushed away her tears, her makeup running in a horrifying fashion.
"Now, now-cheer up, you. And no more tears; you'll ruin that pretty face of yours, you will. And then where will you be?"
"You're right," she said, reaching for a box of Kleenex, "no more tears, especially over Kenny J. Davis!"
The Blue Worm nodded approvingly. "You just make yourself a pot of tea and think no more of it."
Sarah wiped away her tears (and a good amount of green eye-shadow) and smiled gamely at the Blue Worm. "Thank you. For everything."
"Don't mention it, luv. Now go and get that cuppa."
****
Later that night, when Sarah was lying in bed, still too wired to sleep, she heard a faint scratching sound under her bed.
Then the sound of whispers.
Then the sound of snickers.
Then...
"Psst. Hey, Sarah. You awake up there?" a voice whispered.
Sarah sat up and then leaned over the side of the bed, her hair brushing the floor. Underneath her bed was pitch black with shadows, but those shadows were moving.
"Yes," she whispered back.
"Good. Here you are then-this is for you. It's a present."
There was the sound of something rolling along the floor toward her. Whatever it was sounded round and heavy and Sarah had a terrible feeling that she knew what it was.
She pulled herself upright, flicked the switch on her lamp, and then peered back under the bed.
Unfortunately, she was right.
"No. No way. Take it back," she told the voice under her bed.
She then sat back up, folding her arms protectively against her chest. There was no way that she was touching that thing.
Shortly, she heard chattering and whispering and then three goblins dragged themselves out from under the bed. One of them was coughing.
"Would it kill you to clean up under there every now and then?" he coughed. "It's murder on my asthma."
"Sure. Right away," she said, flatly, "just as long as you get that," she pointed to the crystal, which was now rolling back and forth beside the goblins, "out of my room."
"What? This?" asked a tall goblin, who had a nose that resembled a crushed plum. "It's a crystal, nothing more."
Sarah shook her head vehemently. "It is always something more. Get it out."
A thin goblin wearing a pointy helmet picked up the crystal and held it out to her. "This time, it's nothing more. We just wanted you to see this."
He held the crystal right under her nose. She was about to pull away when she saw the oddest flash of red within the crystal's depths. Peering closer, she saw the inconceivable sight of a shiny red Pontiac Firebird Trans Am sinking, hood-first, into the Bog of Eternal Stench. She could even hear the Pontiac's alarm blaring away in bewilderment.
"You did this?" she said in wonder. "For me?"
The goblin with the pointy helmet shrugged.
"Well, mostly for you. We've always wanted to steal something other than a kid. Jax here," he pointed to the goblin with the crushed-plum nose, "has always wanted to drive a car..."
"...into the Bog," Jax said excitedly. "The splash was amazing!"
The pointy helmet goblin nodded in agreement.
"And this guy," he pointed to the coughing goblin, who was currently wiping his nose on his sleeve, "really likes the color red. So this was actually a great opportunity to live out our dreams."
Sarah felt a rush of joy that came both from the knowledge that these goblins-probably after a visit from the Blue Worm-had cared enough to do something to make her feel better and from the fact that she had been avenged. She knew that the loss of his Pontiac would hurt Kenny more than any damage she had inflicted on his person with her appendages. It was petty and a little cruel of her to be pleased by Kenny's misfortune, but at this moment, it felt glorious.
Though, even as she revelled in watching the Pontiac sink into the malevolent ooze of the Bog, something, possibly her conscience, niggled at her.
She bit her lip. "Don't you think that you guys went a little too far?"
The goblin with the helmet shrugged. "Nah, could have been worse."
"He could have been in the car," added Jax.
"With his family and all his pets," added the coughing goblin.
Jax sighed. "That would have made a better splash."
The goblins nodded sadly.
"Besides," added the goblin with the helmet, "you didn't ask us to do it."
"We volunteered to help," said Jax.
The coughing goblin nodded. "Good Samaritans, we are."
"See?" beamed the goblin with the helmet. "It was actually an act of kindness. Think no more about it, Sarah."
Sarah decided to do just that. "Well, thanks, I guess."
"You're welcome!" they said simultaneously, and began to crawl back under her bed.
"Bye fellas!" she called.
"Bye," they said.
The goblin with the helmet waved as he disappeared, the crystal tucked into his vest. "See you next boyfriend."
Sarah paused mid-wave.
"Hang on," she said, bending over the side of the bed, "this isn't going to happen to me again, is it? Is it?"
But the goblins were gone, leaving Sarah to contemplate the fact that this steady run of bad luck when it came to her romantic life wasn't a run of bad luck at all, but 'The Way Things Are'.
*****
Part Two
The actual identity of the writer will remain secret until all the submissions are in and posted.
****
Title: The Romantic Misadventures of Sarah Williams, Part One
Author: lixxle
Recipient: merellia
Prompt: Anything with Sir Didymus. I love when he-and other minor characters, too- show up in Labyrinth fanfic. A story doesn't have to be all Didymus All the Time, but a glimpse of what he's up to is always welcome.
Rating: T
Plot Summary/Author's Notes: Sarah Williams experienced her first romantic disappointment just two days shy of her sixteenth birthday. For the record, it was all Hoggle's fault (even if he did have the best of intentions).
Although I was given some marvellous alternative prompts, I, too, have a soft spot for the minor characters so I threw as many as I could. I hope you enjoy it! All mistakes are mine (and there are many. Oh so many...)
Sarah Williams experienced her first romantic disappointment just two days shy of her sixteenth birthday. For the record, it was all Hoggle's fault (even if he did have the best of intentions).
At the time, Sarah hadn't even been thinking of her love life...or the lack thereof. She had simply been sitting on the porch with Merlin after completing her chores, enjoying the Spring sunshine and sipping lemonade.
That is, until Hoggle suddenly burst through one of the hedges at the back of the garden.
"YOU," he yelled, puffing and red-faced as he hobbled hurriedly toward her, "attract trouble like Ludo attracts rocks."
He shook one stubby finger at her in an accusatory fashion and then abruptly bent forward, hands on his knees, desperately trying to catch his breath.
Sarah looked at the Hoggle-shaped hole in her newly-clipped hedge and then down at the dwarf, who was still struggling to breathe normally.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, brushing bits of hedge from Hoggle's back. "I've been mowing the lawn."
She looked at the uneven, meandering lawnmower tracks that now covered the garden.
"Badly," she amended. "There's no reason for you to come bursting in here, yelling things like that...unless I ran over a fairytale creature without knowing."
She looked over at the lawnmower, half-expecting to see bits of unicorn or some such thing trapped in the blades.
Hoggle pulled himself up into a standing position.
"No, no. Ain't nothing like that. You're about to go on another adventure. And knowing my luck, I'll be dragged into it right behind you," he grumbled.
Sarah held up her hand. "Ok. Time out. You told me that we're only granted one big adventure per lifetime. I didn't think I was even qualified for another one."
Hoggle's expression became distinctly mulish. "Well apparently the rules don't apply to you, Missy. No-one gets through the Labyrinth-but you did. No one beats Jar-" he broke off quickly and looked around.
Seeing that they were still alone, he sighed in relief.
"No-one gets their wished-away brother back," he amended, "but you did. No-one gets more than one adventure...but apparently, you do. It's your 'gift'," his air quotations rich in sarcasm, "for being 'Champion of the Labyrinth'. And apparently this adventure is going to be a big one."
A big one? Sarah was instantly intrigued; her last adventure certainly hadn't felt 'small' so what constituted a 'big' adventure was rather mind-boggling. Perhaps it contained a ship.
She shrugged. "Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so bad. Want a cookie?" she asked, calmly picking up a cookie for herself from the plate.
Hoggle threw his hands into the air. "I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. You already had an adventure where you did the rescuin'. So, according to 'The Way Things Are Done', that means you're the one who is gonna to be rescued this time around."
"What?" she screeched. "I'm going to be rescued?"
She dropped her cookie. Merlin stirred from his shady corner of the porch, snatched it up from the floor, and ran inside, triumphant.
Hoggle nodded approving. "Now that is the reaction I was expecting."
He snatched a spare glass from the open kitchen window and then hoisted himself up onto one of the porch chairs, his stubby legs swinging in the air.
Sarah was no longer calm. "What kind of adventure are we talking about here?"
Hoggle snorted disdainfully and poured himself a glass of icy lemonade. "It's the standard 'fair-maiden-awaitin'-rescue-in-a-tower' kind of adventure."
She looked at him in shock. "Why would I want to be a fair maiden, awaiting rescue? That's probably the last thing I'd want to do on an adventure!"
It was true. After she had fought her way to 'The Castle Beyond the Goblin City', Sarah had no desire to play the role of the fair, defenceless maiden-not when the hero got all the best lines and got to smash things up.
And Sarah had definitely acquired a taste for smashing things up.
"And besides," she said, thoughtfully, "how is sitting in a tower supposed to be a gift for making it through the Labyrinth?"
Hoggle looked around shiftily and then jammed two cookies into his mouth.
"You'resupposedtoberescuedbyyourOneTrueLove," he mumbled through cookie crumbs.
Sarah took a moment to decipher his comment and then lurched to her feet.
"One True Love?" she stammered, shocked. "I'm too young for a One True Love!"
Hoggle swallowed gamely. "So I keep telling them, but all they keep saying is 'True Love Waits'. Whatever that means..."
Sarah barely paid him any attention. She was already pacing across the porch.
"I don't have time to sit in a tower. And I certainly don't have any interest in a One True Love right now. I have my life all planned out!"
Hoggle nodded. "Don't I know it. You'll be off to college after high school," he recited, "to study theatre and English while, in the meantime, landing small parts in local theatre productions until you've honed your craft sufficiently to star on Broadway. Though only in plays and not in musicals because, let's face it-you couldn't carry a tune in a bucket..."
Sarah paused her pacing briefly to give him a dark look. Hoggle continued, oblivious.
"...then marriage eventually, but not until you're least thirty to give your career ample time to blossom," he rolled his eyes at the word, "then kids-two of them, four years apart to ensure that they both get equal attention, but close enough in age so that neither of them feels like an only child. Did I miss anything?"
"No," she said dryly, "you got it exactly right." She crossed her arms defensively. "I don't want this. Can you imagine how worried my family will be if I just disappeared? I don't...I don't want to disappear and never see my brother again."
Hoggle merely shrugged. "Well, you can kiss your plans goodbye. Farewell Broadway and Toby! Hel-lo tower and One True Love!"
Sarah practically collapsed into her chair. "Are you absolutely sure about this? Maybe it's just a rumor?"
"Ain't no rumor, Sarah. The whole Underground is talking about it. And you'd better be prepared because it's all going to happen sooner than you think."
"How soon?"
Hoggle took a healthy sip of lemonade. "Just after you turn sixteen. Apparently, there is some kind of age requirement."
Sarah stared at him in shock. "That's two weeks away!" Her shock turned to horror. "I have an algebra test that week!"
Hoggle shrugged again. "Don't even bother studying-algebra ain't going to help you where you're going."
Part of Sarah was rather relieved to miss the test. The rest of her, however, was rapidly heading towards a panic attack.
"How soon after my birthday?"
"Don't rightly know. It's supposed to be a surprise. But, mark my words: One day, you'll be on your way to school, minding your own business, and from out of nowhere a dragon will swoop down, grab ya, and fly away! And then where will you be?"
She frowned. "Where will I be?"
"Probably stashed away in the highest tower of some ol' deserted castle, surrounded by lava, waitin' to be rescued." He shook his head. "Damn lava."
Sarah blinked. "Damn lava," she agreed and took a long sip of her lemonade.
"And I ain't got no idea how you're going to get rescued from there. Lava tends to be hard to cross-even harder than the Bog."
He bit savagely into another cookie.
"Do you have you any idea who is going to rescue me?"
He shrugged. "Typically, a One True Love tends to be a prince."
A prince. Sarah thought about that for a moment. During her lifetime, she had only met one royal male and he was prone to giving her hallucinogenic fruit or sending stabby bits of machinery after her. Consequently, the prospect of a royal suitor wasn't as pleasant as it should be.
"Are you sure it's going to be a prince? Couldn't it be a knight?"
Hoggle shook his head. "We ain't got all that many knights anymore, on account of the dragons. Apparently the armor makes knights delightfully crunchy."
Sarah sighed. "Well, if it's a prince, I guess that narrows things down a little."
"Don't be so sure. We're talking about the Underground, so everything that can go wrong will go wrong."
Sarah's stomach dropped. "What do you mean?"
"If your One True Love doesn't rescue you in time, you might get accidentally rescued by something else; troll, jabberwocky, chicken. Though," he said thoughtfully, "of those options, your best bet is the chicken."
Sarah stared at him in shock. "My fate lies in the hands of heroic poultry?"
"Better believe it."
Suddenly, her eyes lit up. "Sir Didymus is a knight. And both you and Ludo have rescued me before; can't you guys rescue me this time?"
Hoggle pondered that. "We could, and we'll certainly try." He scowled, kicking out at the plastic table leg. "But, let's face it: If we ain't meant to rescue you, we won't be able to. That's 'The Way Things Are Done' when it comes to these adventures."
"Great," she said, shaking her head, her ponytail bobbing back and forth furiously. "Just great. I have to sit in a tower, surrounded by lava, waiting for someone..."
"Don't forget the chicken," Hoggle interjected.
"...or something to rescue me. What if they're incompetent and can't find me?"
Hoggle shrugged. "That's actually pretty likely. Worse still, your One True Love may not have even been born yet."
Sarah slumped in her chair. "Then I could be sitting in that tower..."
"...forever," finished Hoggle. "Though, look on the bright side: a century is typically the longest you'll have to wait."
That was a terrifying thought.
"A century in a tower seems like a lot of bother just for True Love," she said morosely.
Hoggle swallowed his cookie chunk. "Personally, I think True Love is all a bunch of goblin dung. You hear stories, but I ain't met mine and I don't know anyone who has. It's possible that you'll be sitting in that tower for nothing."
THAT was an eye-opener. Things were going from bad to lava-encrusted in seconds.
"Well, if you don't know who is going to rescue me, do you at least know who is going to kidnap me?"
"Other than the dragon? Nope." Hoggle shook his head. "But I know it ain't You Know Who. And before you ask," he interjected, as Sarah opened her mouth, "it's because he's been wearing a lot of beige lately."
At Sarah's puzzled look, he elaborated. "That usually means he's happy. If he was plotting something, he'd be wearing black."
Sarah blinked. "Huh."
They both took a moment to contemplate the Goblin King's sartorial choices and their possible relation to Sarah's future health and wellbeing.
Sarah sighed. "Can't I just say 'no' to this adventure?"
Before Hoggle could answer, Sarah stood up from her seat.
"I don't want to be stuck in a tower," she yelled at the sky. "And I don't want a One True Love! Well, not right now," she amended. "It's not that I don't appreciate the gesture, it's just that it's inconvenient right now. Thanks anyway!"
Hoggle grabbed her arm and pulled her back into her seat.
"Are you crazy? Didn't you learn anything from your trip through the Labyrinth? Words. Have. Power." He shook his head, disgusted. "Even if You Know Who is not the villain, there is still one out there right now, probably wearing black and definitely armed with a dragon. Do you really want to get his attention? Especially if your One True Love ain't goin' to rescue you right away?"
Sarah looked down at Hoggle and gave him a smirk. "Then I guess I'll just have to rescue myself then, won't I?"
Hoggle frowned. He recognized that particular smirk. It was the facial expression equivalent of 'piece of cake' and it made his eyelid twitch.
"There are some places where escape ain't all that easy from the inside," he warned, "especially when there's lava involved."
"Well then," she said, as she refilled their glasses, "I'll just have to avoid capture altogether then, won't I?"
Hoggle huffed at that.
"And dragons," she said cheerily.
"Yeah, but will the dragons avoid you?"
Sarah shrugged and patted Hoggle's shoulder. She looked fiercely determined.
"I'm not worried."
After all, she had beaten a living maze at the age of fifteen. How hard could this be?
Hoggle dropped his face into his hands. "And that's what worries me most of all."
**********
But she was worried...just a little. Which was...worrying.
After Hoggle left, she began to mentally weigh-up the pros and cons of this latest adventure.
Pros: True Love (at an inconvenient time).
Cons: Contact with dragons; unknown villain (most likely a megalomaniac fae with a Grimm fetish); lengthy stay in tower with lava-pool views; possible non-existence of True Love; high likelihood of rescue by chicken after hundreds of years waiting in the tower; not being able to see Toby grow up; Broadway plans put on hold indefinitely.
After carefully contemplating her list, it was clear that the Cons list was winning by a landslide, given that the only Pro was the slim possibility of True Love. And besides, she wondered: Was True Love really that much of a Pro? After all, her Dad and Karen were more than happy and their relationship certainly wasn't the stuff of fairytales. Did she really need her One True Love to bring future happiness?
In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she would be satisfied with the every-day, garden variety of Love rather than the fancy, fairytale variety of True Love (and Love had the bonus of being lava-free...she hoped).
By the end of the afternoon, she had come to the conclusion that True Love had to go.
****
Sarah realized that if she wanted to get out of her next adventure, she would need A Plan.
'Operation Thwart True Love,' so to speak.
She spent a productive day in the library, plotting and scheming, and then returned home cautiously optimistic, only to find the Wiseman and his hat sitting on the edge of her bed.
"Honey, I'm home," sing-songed the Hat when Sarah entered the room. "Where were you, Señorita? Had a hot date?"
Sarah snorted and reached up to scratch its head. "Yes. With a stack of library books."
"Kinky," the bird-like Hat said approvingly.
"Ahh, the library," the Wiseman beamed. "A very suitable place for a young lady. Were you trying to find something in particular?"
"Well, as a matter of fact..."
She explained that she was on the cusp of a quest for True Love and her reluctance to go along for the ride.
The Wiseman shook his head. "An adventure is a terrible thing to waste."
Sarah threw herself into her armchair, crossing her long legs at the ankles.
"Thanks, but I've had enough adventure to last me a lifetime. But I think I found a way around it." She leaned forward, excited. "Most of the heroines-Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel-were all virtuous maidens who needed a First Kiss to be rescued..."
The Hat perked up. "Oooh, I like where this is going!"
"Be quiet," the Wiseman said sternly to the little hat. He gave Sarah an encouraging look. "Do go on."
Sarah flicked her hair over her shoulder impatiently. "Well, if I give away my First Kiss, then surely I won't qualify for any new adventures, right?"
The Wiseman sighed happily. "Ahhh...a First Kiss. Love, after all, is the greatest adventure of them all."
The Hat nodded. "Though, for the record, sex can also be pretty adventurous,"
Sarah waved her hand impatiently. "I'm not talking about love...or sex," she blushed. "Just a kiss."
The Wiseman tilted his head, the little hat tipping precariously. "But what is a First Kiss, my dear, but a prelude to a 'Happily Ever After'?"
"Or a way of getting out of a coma," the Hat chirped. "Just ask Sleeping Beauty."
The Wiseman levelled a glare at his headwear. "Would you be quiet?"
"Ok, ok. Don't lose your incontinence pads," the Hat grumbled to itself.
Sarah ignored their bickering. She quickly stood up and began pacing across the room.
"I have to do something. I can't sit by and wait to be kidnapped by a dragon! Hoggle seems to think that I won't be able to get out of the tower by myself so I'd just have to sit there and wait to be rescued. And who knows how long that will take? I have all sorts of dreams and plans! I don't want to waste all that time sitting in a tower, surrounded by lava!"
"Damn lava," the Hat muttered.
"Indeed," agreed the Wiseman.
Sarah sniffed, willing herself not to cry. "And what about my family? I would simply disappear-never to be seen again. They would be so worried." She lifted her chin, determined. "I can't do that to them. I can't simply disappear and not be around to see Toby grow up."
She stopped her pacing and turned to them, her eyes beseeching. "So you must understand-I'll do whatever I can do to disqualify myself from this next adventure."
The Wiseman gave her a kind smile. "I understand. But, my dear-what if this next adventure is your one and only chance for a Happily Ever After? After all, the fair maiden is typically rescued by her One True Love and that always leads to a Happily Ever After."
Sarah blinked. "And what if I literally spend eternity in a tower waiting for a chicken?"
The Hat shrieked. "Touché, Lady!" The Hat bent down to look at his owner. "She's got you there, Old Man!"
The Wiseman merely rolled his eyes.
Sarah knelt down before them, resting her hand on the Wiseman's knee.
"What do you think? Will it work?"
The Wiseman scratched his chin meditatively. "A First Kiss has many uses. To squander it in haste would not be wise. Perhaps you should speak to His Majesty about your plans..."
The Hat nodded. "Si si. Blondie typically knows his way out of a tricky situation. And he has been mucho happy lately, wearing beige and all..."
Sarah shook her head emphatically. "No. Not him. Never him. Besides, I have to do this alone. That's 'The Way These Things Are Done'." She sighed. "Please. Tell me-will it work?"
The Hat and the Wiseman looked at each other. The Hat nodded.
"Pucker up, Señorita!"
Sarah beamed. "Thank you! Both of you!"
She lunged forward and engulfed them in a hug. The Hat preened under her attention. The Wiseman, however, patted her gently on the back and remained uneasy.
"Be warned," he intoned, "A kiss, especially a First Kiss, has its own special power-"
"Sarah!" Karen's voice called from downstairs. "Dinner's ready! Go wash up!"
Sarah pulled away from them both. "I'd better go. I'll see you later, right?"
"Like you can stay away from us," the Hat chirped saucily.
Sarah blew the Hat a kiss and bounded out of the room.
"-a power to change the course of one's life, forever," the Wiseman finished with a sigh.
The Hat tutted. "The youth of today: Always too busy to receive dire warnings of their impending doom."
The Wiseman sighed again, deeply. "Doom is right. Let's hope she chooses her First Kiss wisely, otherwise I fear that this will all go terribly wrong."
The Hat began to preen itself, supremely unconcerned. "Meh. It always goes wrong before it goes right."
**
When Sarah had presented her plan to relinquish her First Kiss to her friends during one of their weekly high teas in her bedroom, Hoggle had agreed to the plan wholeheartedly.
"Get rid of it," he had grumbled, pausing to sip Earl Grey rather daintily from a rose-print cup. "Them First Kisses are nothin' but trouble and, as I told you before, trouble seems to find you without you even trying. Besides," he frowned, "who knows who'll try'n rescue you? I wouldn't trust most princes as far as I could throw 'em. And don't even start me on the kings..." he muttered.
In fact, he was so disturbed by the thought of Sarah at the hands of an unscrupulous prince or a disreputable king that he barely touched his Oreos.
"Ok," she said briskly, her own tea untouched. "Then it's just a matter of finding a suitable candidate and kissing him. That should be enough to ensure that I am disqualified from any further adventures. Right?"
Hoggle nodded emphatically. Sir Didymus, however, looked disturbed.
"But, my Lady," he said, carefully placing his tea cup back on its saucer, "one's First Kiss is an important milestone. Why, True Love can come from a First Kiss and a Happily Ever After..."
As he spoke, Sarah's attention was caught by a flash of white outside her bedroom window. She frowned. Surely not...?
Hoggle snorted. "True love? Ha! I think all those Bog fumes have finally pickled your brain. You know what 'came' from my first kiss? Two weeks of lip rot and a broken heart."
He snorted again and looked over at Ludo, who was lapping at a bowl of milk. "Don't tell me you're buying into this True Love crud..."
Ludo looked up, a magnificent milk moustache ringing his mouth.
"Uh-huh."
Hoggle threw up his hands in disgust, but the old fox was not at all perturbed. He picked up his tea cup again, his paw delicately curled.
"Then perhaps thine First Kiss should not have been bestowed on someone who was unworthy of the honor, Brother Hoggle."
Ambrosius, sitting at the old knight's feet, barked sharply in agreement.
Hoggle gave a half-hearted shrug. "Maybe," he muttered into his teacup.
Sir Didymus gave a small smirk and turned to Sarah, who was still staring out the window.
"What say you, my Lady? My Lady?"
Sarah blinked and turned her attention back to the group.
"I'm sorry...what were you saying? Something about lip rot?" She reached for her tea cup.
"Lip rot bad," Ludo stated and returned to his milk bowl.
Hoggle rolled his eyes. "Trust you to have heard that bit."
The old fox placed his hand on Sarah's. "Just be careful, my Lady. A First Kiss is not something to be given away lightly."
Sarah gave him a bright smile. "You have nothing to fear, Sir Knight. And besides-who says that I am giving it away lightly? I have a plan."
She squeezed his hand reassuringly and then took a sip of tea. She grimaced.
"Eew, it's cold; let me get another pot. I'll be back in a minute."
Sarah picked up the teapot and quickly left her bedroom, carefully closing the door behind her.
The little knight tilted his head, listening until Sarah's footsteps faded away.
"I fear this will not end well for our Sarah," he said, worried.
Hoggle reached for a cheese sandwich. "Well, it will end far better than being surrounded by lava. That ain't no happy ending."
"Lava bad."
Hoggle gave a gruff laugh. "I'm with Ludo on this one."
Sir Didymus started to say something then stopped. Instead, he took another sip of his tea.
"Well, out with it," Hoggle grumbled.
"But would it end badly?"
"What do you mean?"
"If our Sarah is destined for another adventure-most especially an adventure with a tower and lava-then there is a very good chance that it will end in True Love and Happily Ever After. Verily, the adventures with the greatest sacrifices often hold the greatest rewards. Are we, perhaps, leading her from the path of true happiness by favoring her scheme?"
Hoggle pointed at Didymus with his half eaten sandwich.
"If there is even the remote possibility of Sarah bein' stuck in a tower for a hundred years, then she should get rid of that kiss as soon as she can," he said stubbornly. "Nothing can make up for living your entire life away from everyone who loves you. Not even True Love, if that even exists. Who knows if her One True Love would even come to rescue her?!"
He threw down his sandwich in disgust.
Didymus took another sip of his tea. "A very good argument, Brother. I confess that I would not want our fair maiden to disappear, even for True Love. Though, should she leave us, I vow that I will do my utmost to find her, even if the search takes me to the ends of the earth and to my very last breath."
"Me too," said Ludo.
Hoggle gave the old fox's shoulder an awkward pat. "I know. Me too," he said gruffly, and quickly removed his hand.
Ambrosius rubbed his head against Hoggle's calf.
"Dumb mutt," Hoggle grumbled.
He slipped Ambrosius a cookie as surreptitiously as possible, checking to see if Didymus had noticed.
Didymus hadn't; he was stroking his long whiskers in a meditative fashion.
"Perhaps, Brother Hoggle, thou should mention Sarah's predicament to His Majesty."
Hoggle, who had just taken a large sip of tepid tea, sprayed it across the room.
Directly at Ludo.
"Agh!" yelled Ludo.
Ludo blindly groped around him until his fingers found the crochet throw rug on the edge of Sarah's bed. He buried his shaggy face in it, desperately trying to wipe away the tea that was dripping from his fur.
Hoggle, however, didn't even notice. He was too horrified.
"Do I look like I have a death wish? Do you think I woke up this mornin' and said to myself: 'Today looks like a great day to be bogged! But... how can I accomplish this feat? Oh yes! I can simply mention Sarah's name within a ten mile radius of the King!'"
Sir Didymus held up one paw. "Verily, my dear friend, I did not mean to cause thou distress. Or to cause Brother Ludo, uh....moisture," he said, turning to Ludo, who was still trying to clean the tea from his fur. "It is merely that His Majesty has always maintained a feverent interest in our fair maiden's affairs; He will not be pleased when He hears of this turn of events second-hand."
At that, Hoggle only shrugged and picked up his mangled cheese sandwich.
"He is never pleased. And he'll get over it, the way he always gets over it; he'll put on somethin' shiny, dance around the throne room singing a sad song about how everyone misunderstands him, and then he'll bog a couple of goblins. Business as usual in the Goblin Kingdom."
Ludo shuddered. He clutched the tea-stained throw rug to his chest.
"Ludo scared."
Sir Didymus patted Ludo's shaggy arm. "There is nothing to fear, my Brother. Well, not on our part." He bent down and gently ruffled Ambrosius' ears. "I fear, however, for Sarah: Once she makes the decision to thwart True Love, her path will become much more difficult."
What Sir Didymus did not realise is that it was already too late. As soon as Sarah rejected the gift of True Love in favor of an adventure-free life...
...well...
True Love decided to reject her right back.
**
So, with Hoggle's endorsement still ringing in her ears, Sarah began planning her First Kiss with the single-minded focus of a fifteen year old woman trying to escape a lava-encrusted fate.
All she needed was a man-any man-to kiss. She wondered if she could simply pounce on some unsuspecting boy at school, accomplish the deed, and then run off.
Or, perhaps it would be better to do it outside of school so that she wouldn't have to deal with any uncomfortable consequences.
She sighed. Although The Plan would ensure that she remained lava-free, it would probably lead her on the merry path toward a sexual assault charge.
That evening, however, as she was finalizing her plans, the unthinkable happened-her hormones woke up. Stretching luxuriantly, they surveyed the situation, noted that an interaction with the opposite sex was imminent, and startled to meddle most gleefully.
Suddenly, Sarah became somewhat... excited...about the prospect of her First Kiss. And thanks to that growing excitement, her plans took a turn from the pragmatic to the romantic. Before she knew it, Sarah's plans for her First Kiss involved less 'pouncing' and 'running', and more 'lingering' and 'enjoying'.
And with those plans came daydreaming-lots and lots of daydreaming-about the event.
After two straight days of contemplating all the possibilities, she had planned out what she wanted from her First Kiss experience. She had decided on an innocent yet meaningful brush of lips, possibly under a starlit sky.
A full moon wouldn't go astray, either.
Perhaps the scent of wild honeysuckle in the air.
And a few fireflies scattered around the scene, for ambience.
Of course, it would be imperative that she would wear her hair up for the big event, held aloft by the tortoiseshell combs she had purchased at the Curio Shoppe on her fifteenth birthday. After all, such an important step toward womanhood should be marked by a sophisticated hairstyle-and the peony-print summer dress that Karen had bought her during their last stepmother-stepdaughter bonding attempt which, fortuitously, had happened during the sales.
By the end of the week, Sarah had the scene of her First Kiss completely mapped out in minute detail, except for the identity of the recipient. In her daydreams, he was a blurry figure, though he appeared rather tall-she couldn't imagine stooping down for her first kiss, the dynamic would be all wrong-with heroic hair and artistic hands. Surely that wouldn't be too much to ask?
Surely?
****
Unsurprisingly, given her rejection of True Love, Sarah's quest for a First Kiss did not go according to plan.
Although she had dreamed of stars and honeysuckle and tortoiseshell combs, the deed actually took place on the grimy linoleum floor of a high school hallway under a flickering neon light at exactly 10am-possibly one of the most unromantic hours of the day.
Sarah had just walked out of her History class when she had collided-literally and bodily-with Jeremy Botts; an angular young man with a prominent adam's apple, a squinty left eye, and a secret love of macramé.
They had fallen to the floor in a tangle of limbs and books and mutual "AGHHHS!"
But calamity only truly struck when Sarah had lifted her head at the exact same moment that Jeremy had accidentally lowered his and...
...well...
the deed was done.
It was less of a kiss than an act of oral warfare. There was a mashing of lips accompanied by the 'clacking' sound of teeth colliding and Sarah registered the metallic taste of braces and...eew! Cheetos...before she managed to shrug him off.
In utter horror, she registered the applause and catcalls of the other students walking down the hall. Ducking her head so that her long, dark hair hid her face from the crowd, she desperately gathered up her belongings while simultaneously trying very, very hard not to wish for the ground to open up and swallow her (because, with her luck, it would).
Then, with her chin held high, she stood up and looked down at Jeremy Botts, who continued to decorate the hallway floor in a kiss-induced stupor or possibly a mild concussion-it was difficult to tell.
"Libertine!" she hissed, pointing down at the semi-comatose boy. "Degenerate!"
And, with a regal toss of her hair, she quickly left the hallway.
****
In her queenly, albeit hurried exit, Sarah missed seeing Jeremy Botts receive a rousing round of applause from fellow members of the 'Dungeons and Dragons' society.
In fact, his friends were so impressed by his seduction of the prettiest girl in school-no matter how accidental-that they felt a sudden collective urge to raise him up onto their shoulders in recognition of his triumph.
However, this urge was quickly squashed by the knowledge that, even as a group, they lacked the upper arm strength to hoist up even a small chihuahua.
Instead, they bought him an orange soda from the closest vending machine and patted him on the back most vigorously.
****
Sarah had managed to make it all the way home before bursting into hot, angry tears. She stormed into her room, threw her books on the floor in frustration, and sat down at her dressing table.
"I need you," she said tearfully at her reflection.
In the space of time that it took for her to turn toward her bed, Ludo had appeared, his big eyes filled with compassion, his arms outstretched to catch her as she launched herself across the room.
For the next hour, snuggled against his furry orange chest, she told him all about her foiled plans, her lost dreams, and her bitter humiliation. Ludo was the perfect friend; fluffy, comforting, and quick to add his sympathies.
"Cheetos bad," he acknowledged with a sad shake of his head.
Sarah sniffed. "First Kisses should not taste like Cheetos," she agreed.
They sat in companionable silence for a moment. Then Sarah sighed.
"Do you think I was silly to have planned it all out?"
Ludo shook his large, shaggy head. "No."
"Though, I guess I did get a bit carried away." She laughed self-consciously. "I guess I still dream big."
"Good," Ludo said, rather emphatically.
Sarah took heart at that and used every scrap of courage she had to ask the question she really feared.
"Do you think it will get better?"
At Ludo's puzzled look, she tried to explain. "Kissing. Because, if what happened with Jeremy Botts is a preview of what's to come, I think kissing is going to be one of those things that's better in fairytales. And if kissing is this bad, well, Love is probably going to be a disaster..."
At that, Ludo nodded sadly.
In her current state of self-involvement, Sarah didn't ask why Ludo had seemed so wistful at the mention of Love. If she had, she would have found out that Ludo's love-life was as ill-fated as hers.
He had once spent an entire summer evening serenading a beautiful she-beast whom he had spied reclining across a hay bale. He had stayed at a respectful distance throughout the long hours of the night, singing of his appreciation for her fine horns and her feminine form, even though he couldn't see either of these features in the moonless night.
It was only when he approached his love in the pale light of dawn that he realized that it was not a female of his kind reclining in gentle repose on that hay bale, but a drunk minotaur in a ballet tutu passed out in a pool of ale. Oddly enough, such acts of drunken transvestism were commonplace in the Goblin Kingdom; it was a natural by-product of having a national drink that was as potent as paint-stripper and a King who possessed more frosted eye-shadow than an Avon saleswoman.
To be honest, Ludo thought that Sarah's misadventures with her Cheetos-flavored suitor paled in comparison to losing your heart to a cross-dressing minotaur, but he was too good of a friend to say that out loud. Instead, he simply patted her on the head and sighed.
"Love hard."
Sarah sniffed. "I think you're right about that."
"Whatever you just did, it sure did the trick."
Sarah looked up from Ludo's chest to see Hoggle peering at her from the other side of her mirror, his face creased in a rare smile.
She quickly rubbed the remaining tears from her eyes. "It worked? I'm no longer qualified to sit in a tower surrounded by lava?"
"Ha! At this point, you ain't qualified to sit in a chair in the middle of the Bog."
Sarah put on her biggest and falsest smile. "Great! That's just wonderful."
Ludo patted her shoulder.
Hoggle did a little jig on the spot. "Ain't it just? This is cause for a celebration!"
Within a blink, he was climbing over the dressing table and, with a little help from Ludo, sitting on the bed beside them.
He surreptitiously looked left, then right, then behind him, and pulled out a small bottle from his vest.
"I...ahh... liberated this from You-Know-Who's private collection."
Sarah's eyes widened. "Hoggle! Are you nuts? He will kill you!"
Hoggle shrugged. "Killin's not Captain Tighty Pants' style. He'll probably just hang me above the Bog for a while."
Sarah gave him an admiring look. "Who is this fellow sitting before me? To think, even the mention of the word 'Bog' used to send you into a panic attack."
Hoggle hung his head bashfully. "Well, there are worse things that can happen. Like being surrounded by lava. And besides," he looked up at the bottle in his hand, "I've always wanted to try this. It's Floraqua-apparently, it contains the nectar of every flower in existence. Some say that it is the most delicious drink that you will ever taste; others say that it tastes like bottled goblin pi-"
He stopped abruptly and gave Sarah an apologetic look. "Ahh, bottled goblin spit."
Hoggle held up the bottle to the light; thousands of gold flecks floated merrily in liquid the color of mother of pearl.
"Pretty," breathed Ludo, his large finger reaching out to touch the bottle.
"Lovely," sighed Sarah.
"Well?" Hoggle brought the bottle back down to eye level. "What are we waitin' for?" He pulled out the cork with his teeth and spat it onto the ground. "Let's celebrate!"
Sarah squared her shoulders. "Absolutely! A victory is a victory!"
Even if it feels a little hollow, she thought wryly.
****
Floraqua's flavor lived up to its reputation... of tasting like something that a goblin had excreted.
The three friends each simultaneously took a sip...and then spat their drink across the room. They then spent the rest of the evening trying to remove the taste of the vile liquid.
"I'm tempted to drink the Bog just to get this foul taste out of my mouth," muttered Hoggle, as Ludo dragged his tongue along the carpet.
Sarah thought it was a fitting end to her disastrous day.
Later that night, when Sarah was finally alone in her room, she flung herself onto her bed and contemplated her situation.
She wiped the last of her tears from her eyes, took a deep breath, and told herself, quite firmly, to get a grip. All of this was fixable. Her schoolmates would no doubt tease her about the incident, but they would eventually forget about it.
And as for her love life, well, it was bound to get better. This first incident was just a small hiccup and had nothing at all to do with the fact that she had rejected True Love.
Nothing at all.
Kisses, romance, Love-well, surely all of it would get better with time and practice.
Yet, just as she was finally falling into slumber, she heard a familiar male voice, whisper: Ah yes, precious thing, but hasn't it already been so much better?
And with that melodious voice came the memory of a white ballroom and a handsome King, gazing at her as if she had turned his world upside down.
***
Sarah Williams experienced her second romantic disappointment under an elm tree in her favorite park on a cold November evening.
In an attempt to drive her misbegotten First Kiss from her mind, she had turned her considerable attentions to finding the perfect target for her Second Kiss. This time, she would ensure that her plans were sensible albeit romantic; that her target was both suitable and accessible; and that the experience was romantic and Cheetos-free.
And once she found the lucky male worthy of her Second Kiss, woe betide anyone-including the man himself-who got in her way.
Marco Bryce was easily the most attractive male in her year. He was pleasingly tall with piercing blue eyes, thick dark hair, and the kind of confidence that comes from having an acne-free adolescence and an aptitude for football. To Sarah, he was a walking, talking Second Kiss in acid washed jeans.
The problem was that most of the other females in her year also had romantic designs on Marco Bryce. But Sarah didn't allow herself to be concerned with such matters-all she needed to do was to get his attention and everything would work out.
In the end, she accomplished this feat remarkably easily; all it took was a flick of her dark hair, a smile across English class, and the same kind of laser-sharp determination on her part that had seen her befriend or destroy anything that stood between her and her wished-away brother.
To be honest, Marco Bryce didn't stand a chance; it was just lucky for him that he had a penchant for formidable women.
On that fateful day, Marco Bryce had sat beside her in English class and then asked to walk her home. It was cold, which allowed them an excellent excuse to huddle close as they walked along the winding streets from the high school to Sarah's house.
Once they got to the park, Marco slowed his steps and Sarah had followed suit until they had finally stopped beneath a large elm. Sarah found herself backed against the tree trunk, as Marco closed the distance between them, his eyes glazed.
This is it! she thought triumphantly.
As his lips descended towards hers, she noticed that the evening stars were starting to peek through the clouds, a crescent moon beginning to shine above them. Her heart began to beat wildly.
It was all perfect...
...that is, until Marco Bryce shoved his tongue in her mouth and began to wiggle it around quite vigorously-rather like a salmon valiantly trying to swim upstream against a strong current.
Sarah broke free in disgust. "Look, I've only done this once, but I'm pretty sure that your tongue should not be trying to breakdance in my mouth." She gamely lifted her chin. "Clearly, this is not going to work."
She picked up her books and marched away, leaving Marco stunned, his tongue still protruding from his slack lips.
***
When she entered her room, Sir Didymus was waiting for her on her bed, Ambrosius sitting by his feet.
Sarah threw her books onto her desk and yanked off her red woollen hat. She held up her hand to halt the knight's greeting.
"Just give me a moment to wash my mouth out in bleach and I'll tell you all about it," she grumbled and walked out off to the bathroom.
Didymus and his steed exchanged looks. "Surely she jests?"
Ambrosius attempted to shrug.
When she came back, her breath minty-fresh (and bleach-free), she told him the entire story.
By the end, Didymus was, justifiably, furious. Even Ambrosius began to bare his teeth. After threatening to run Marco Bryce through with his sword, her very own knight kissed her palm very prettily. Sarah tried not to giggle at the feel of his whiskers against her skin.
"Thou art truly the brightest of all treasures, milady!"
Sarah sniffed a little, overcome. "Why thank you, Sir Knight!"
The kindly fox patted her hand. "Let no man's tongue make you think otherwise..." Sarah smiled mistily at the Knight "...else I CUT IT FROM HIS MOUTH!" he yelled, brandishing his sword again.
Ambrosius gave her a look that said: See what I have to put up with? and then placed his paws over his eyes.
Sarah coaxed the knight to put away the sword. They sat in silence for a moment, watching the snowfall from her window.
"Do you think...do you think I brought this upon myself by rejecting True Love?" she asked hesitantly.
The little knight gave her a half-hearted smile. "It could all simply be a coincidence. After all, Love is complicated at the very best of times, my Lady." His tone, however, wasn't particularly encouraging. "Though, the Sarah I know never gives up, even when the odds are greatest."
Sarah reached over and hugged him. "I won't give up. Not until I have Love in a headlock."
When the excitable old knight had finally been dragged away by his noble steed, Sarah curled up on her bed and sighed. It had seemed simple in those old fairytales-kisses were fated things that led to Happily Ever Afters; not revolting acts of tongue-based acrobatics.
Then again, perhaps those fairytale kisses were only perfect because they were of the True Love variety.
That was a depressing thought.
"Kisses and Love," she said, punching her pillow vigorously, "appear to be more complex than I first thought."
But as she slipped off to sleep, that melodious male voice intruded upon her slumber once more.
They don't have to be, the voice whispered.
And the memory came, unbidden, of a King in a white feathered cape, offering her the world.
Love me, the King implored, gazing at her as if she was his one last chance.
Love me, he whispered through her dreams.
***
Sarah Williams experienced her third romantic disappointment on the eve of her senior prom.
She had dressed beautifully for the occasion in a gown of forest green taffeta, with a sweetheart bodice and a puffed skirt. She had decided to wear her hair half up and held in place with a shiny barrette, the rest cascading artfully around her bare shoulders. Four strings of pearls were gaily festooned around her throat.
When her father saw her walk down the stairs, a little wobbly in her heels, he had demanded that she climb right back up and put on something more respectable.
In a surprising show of female solidarity, Karen had told her father that the strapless gown was not too grown up at all, and that Sarah's green eye-shadow and red lipstick were in keeping with the current fashion (and not something that ladies of the night would wear, thank you very much!). Karen also stated, quite firmly, that Sarah looked absolutely lovely and that all the girls her age would be wearing something similar.
At that moment, Sarah thought Karen was both wonderful and formidable, which was everything she aspired to be.
Her father had, as usual, crumbled under Karen's onslaught. He sighed and hugged Sarah, telling her that she looked far too lovely and was growing up far too quickly. To Karen's credit, she only looked triumphant for a moment and then clicked photo after photo of Sarah as she posed with her father and then with her prom date, Kenny J. Davis.
Kenny J. Davis started the evening as the perfect escort. He bought Sarah a corsage that was only slightly wilted; told a giggling Karen that she looked too young to have a teenage stepdaughter; ruffled Tobys hair, (and laughed good-naturedly when Toby tried to bite Kenny's calf in retaliation); and then talked sports with her Dad until they were in danger of being late for the prom.
Kenny even escorted her to his car-a magnificent red Pontiac Firebird Trans Am that was Kenny's pride and joy. He carefully closed her car door behind her and, for a moment, Sarah felt like Cinderella going off to the ball (albeit in a carriage made of metal and US automotive engineering rather than enchanted pumpkins and transformed mice).
Sarah waved goodbye to her family, who happily waved back, Karen still clicking pictures as fast as humanly possible. Toby blew her a kiss from the window and then bared his teeth when Kenny looked his way. Sarah figured that spending thirteen hours in the company of goblins during one's formative years was bound to leave a mark-a feral mark-on Toby's personality. She made a mental note to make sure that Toby didn't acquire a fondness for ale or urinating on public property in his later years.
The prom started wonderfully. Sarah danced and laughed, drank fizzy fruit punch and danced some more. Kenny had a sense of humor and some killer dance moves and they took over the dance-floor, spurred on by the cheers of the crowd.
But as the night wore on, the punch began to taste less like fruit and more like someone's mother's cooking sherry. More disturbingly, Kenny's dance moves became more and more pelvic and his hands became more and more prone to wander and grope. That is, until Sarah grew tired of saying 'no' and 'stop' and simply stopped him herself with a knee to his groin and a stiletto to his instep. Unluckily for Kenny, Sarah had knees like granite and metal-tipped heels.
Such a pity.
She felt absolutely no remorse as she left him writhing in agony on the dance-floor. She caught a lift back home with her friend Jenny and Jenny's date, Dan, who was incredibly sober thanks to his Mormon upbringing and an aversion to fruit-flavored beverages.
When she came through the front door, she quickly walked past her parents with a firm "I don't want to talk about it!" and ran straight to her room.
As soon as she switched on the light, she pulled the shiny barrette out of her hair and threw it across the room in fury.
"Careful there, luv. You could do some damage with one of those things."
Sarah looked around the room, trying to locate the voice. "Who said that?"
"Over here, luv."
On the edge of her desk was the Blue Worm.
"Oh, it's you," she said sadly, and sat down on her armchair.
The Blue Worm nodded cheerily. "Yep, it's me. Heard you got into a spot of trouble tonight. Just came to see if you were alright."
Sarah snorted. "Good news travels fast, I see."
"Bad news travels even faster. Wanna tell me what happened?"
Sarah fiddled with her strands of pearls. "My date was an octopus."
The Blue Worm blinked owlishly. "Well, that's open-minded of ya. But I gotta tell ya; interspecies love ain't all it's cracked up to be. You gotta try real hard to make it work, you do."
Sarah stared at him, stunned, and then started to laugh, which felt wonderful. "Ah...no. He wasn't a real octopus. He just became drunk and grabby."
With a sigh, she told him all about her evening.
The Blue Worm shook his head. "Well, that doesn't sound very chivalrous of him. Someone really should teach him some manners. You can't just go around treating ladies like that!"
He beckoned her closer, until they were eye-to-eye.
"Tell you what," he whispered, "let me have a chat to a few of the lads and we'll see what we can do to square this whole situation up."
Sarah teared up, touched that he was so willing to jump to her defence.
"Really," she whispered, "there's no need to do anything. I took care of it myself. Besides, I'm just...I'm just really happy that you came to see me tonight."
The Blue Worm gave her a warm smile. "Like we'd let you go through something like this on your own! You've got lots of friends, luv-just remember that."
Sarah nodded, speechless, and brushed away her tears, her makeup running in a horrifying fashion.
"Now, now-cheer up, you. And no more tears; you'll ruin that pretty face of yours, you will. And then where will you be?"
"You're right," she said, reaching for a box of Kleenex, "no more tears, especially over Kenny J. Davis!"
The Blue Worm nodded approvingly. "You just make yourself a pot of tea and think no more of it."
Sarah wiped away her tears (and a good amount of green eye-shadow) and smiled gamely at the Blue Worm. "Thank you. For everything."
"Don't mention it, luv. Now go and get that cuppa."
****
Later that night, when Sarah was lying in bed, still too wired to sleep, she heard a faint scratching sound under her bed.
Then the sound of whispers.
Then the sound of snickers.
Then...
"Psst. Hey, Sarah. You awake up there?" a voice whispered.
Sarah sat up and then leaned over the side of the bed, her hair brushing the floor. Underneath her bed was pitch black with shadows, but those shadows were moving.
"Yes," she whispered back.
"Good. Here you are then-this is for you. It's a present."
There was the sound of something rolling along the floor toward her. Whatever it was sounded round and heavy and Sarah had a terrible feeling that she knew what it was.
She pulled herself upright, flicked the switch on her lamp, and then peered back under the bed.
Unfortunately, she was right.
"No. No way. Take it back," she told the voice under her bed.
She then sat back up, folding her arms protectively against her chest. There was no way that she was touching that thing.
Shortly, she heard chattering and whispering and then three goblins dragged themselves out from under the bed. One of them was coughing.
"Would it kill you to clean up under there every now and then?" he coughed. "It's murder on my asthma."
"Sure. Right away," she said, flatly, "just as long as you get that," she pointed to the crystal, which was now rolling back and forth beside the goblins, "out of my room."
"What? This?" asked a tall goblin, who had a nose that resembled a crushed plum. "It's a crystal, nothing more."
Sarah shook her head vehemently. "It is always something more. Get it out."
A thin goblin wearing a pointy helmet picked up the crystal and held it out to her. "This time, it's nothing more. We just wanted you to see this."
He held the crystal right under her nose. She was about to pull away when she saw the oddest flash of red within the crystal's depths. Peering closer, she saw the inconceivable sight of a shiny red Pontiac Firebird Trans Am sinking, hood-first, into the Bog of Eternal Stench. She could even hear the Pontiac's alarm blaring away in bewilderment.
"You did this?" she said in wonder. "For me?"
The goblin with the pointy helmet shrugged.
"Well, mostly for you. We've always wanted to steal something other than a kid. Jax here," he pointed to the goblin with the crushed-plum nose, "has always wanted to drive a car..."
"...into the Bog," Jax said excitedly. "The splash was amazing!"
The pointy helmet goblin nodded in agreement.
"And this guy," he pointed to the coughing goblin, who was currently wiping his nose on his sleeve, "really likes the color red. So this was actually a great opportunity to live out our dreams."
Sarah felt a rush of joy that came both from the knowledge that these goblins-probably after a visit from the Blue Worm-had cared enough to do something to make her feel better and from the fact that she had been avenged. She knew that the loss of his Pontiac would hurt Kenny more than any damage she had inflicted on his person with her appendages. It was petty and a little cruel of her to be pleased by Kenny's misfortune, but at this moment, it felt glorious.
Though, even as she revelled in watching the Pontiac sink into the malevolent ooze of the Bog, something, possibly her conscience, niggled at her.
She bit her lip. "Don't you think that you guys went a little too far?"
The goblin with the helmet shrugged. "Nah, could have been worse."
"He could have been in the car," added Jax.
"With his family and all his pets," added the coughing goblin.
Jax sighed. "That would have made a better splash."
The goblins nodded sadly.
"Besides," added the goblin with the helmet, "you didn't ask us to do it."
"We volunteered to help," said Jax.
The coughing goblin nodded. "Good Samaritans, we are."
"See?" beamed the goblin with the helmet. "It was actually an act of kindness. Think no more about it, Sarah."
Sarah decided to do just that. "Well, thanks, I guess."
"You're welcome!" they said simultaneously, and began to crawl back under her bed.
"Bye fellas!" she called.
"Bye," they said.
The goblin with the helmet waved as he disappeared, the crystal tucked into his vest. "See you next boyfriend."
Sarah paused mid-wave.
"Hang on," she said, bending over the side of the bed, "this isn't going to happen to me again, is it? Is it?"
But the goblins were gone, leaving Sarah to contemplate the fact that this steady run of bad luck when it came to her romantic life wasn't a run of bad luck at all, but 'The Way Things Are'.
*****
Part Two